Perfection

As I was walking by a very large church, I glanced up at the doors and saw a woman standing there. As soon as she saw me looking at her, she motioned me in. She was full of smiles and very kind so I decided to take her up on the invite. As I walked through the big outer doors, I was surprised that once inside, I didn't find a huge sanctuary but instead an open outdoor area garden with a gold railing around it. A hallway with multiple rooms ran around the outer perimeter of the inner garden. My escort allowed me to lead her as I walked by each door peeking my head in to see what was going on in each room. Each room had a different church service going on inside it and it seemed like my escort was waiting on me to pick the service that most interested me. From the street, I would have never guessed that this huge church was actually housing for all these different little rooms where there was literally something for everyone. I was drawn into a room where people were singing and dancing for Jesus. I recognized the song and wanted to be a part of this worship service. My escort offered to find me a seat but I didn't want to disturb the people. I motioned to the wall space and told her I would just stand at the back. Just after we entered, the music changed to a song I didn't recognize and I noticed that the people who were once standing sat down to watch a certain woman who was in the middle of the room. She had so much joy singing and dancing for Jesus that she didn't even notice she had suddenly become a spectacle to this congregation. The band continued to play and the people seemed to be mesmerized by this woman's worship. I tried to catch the words of the song that she sang but I was as caught up in what she was doing as everyone else was so I just watched in amazement. I had never seen anything like this in church before. She was dressed in silks of many vivid colors that seemed to glisten as she danced. She wasn't obnoxious, but glorious and everyone noticed. She sang words that were somehow muffled in my ears but seemingly in tune but I never heard them clearly. That did not detract from her radiance. She had a joy that was infectious and it appeared to me that the world going to hell in a hand basket just outside the doors was not a concern for her. She was untouched by the cares outside the doors of this place. I wanted what she had. I wanted that kind of joy and carefree abandon that she had. The song ended and she disappeared from my sight but I knew I wanted to meet her. I asked my escort, "Who is that woman?" The escort told me that she didn't know who she was, only that this woman only shows up when this particular song was sung, and then left when it was over. To her knowledge, nobody knew who she was.

I asked my escort, "What song was that?"

"It's called "Perfection,"" she replied.

That word echoed over and over in my mind and I was compelled to try to find this woman who was now gone. Only a minute or two had passed since the song ended so I left my escort and hurried outside knowing that I wouldn't be able to miss someone dressed the way she was. As soon as I was out the big doors, I walked very quickly up and down the street looking in every direction seeing no one who resembled this woman. Disappointed, I walked back by the church front and as I glanced at the big doors, I saw my escort once again standing there. She was smiling a huge knowing smile and in the moment, I knew.

That woman I saw and was searching for had been me.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
And then I woke up.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^



March has been a whirlwind of days, many that I hope to soon forget but am certain that they will remain etched into my spirit regardless. Between birthdays, death dates, milestone days I should not have needed to recognize, sad news and Passover (which is it's own bittersweet anniversary), I feel like I have traveled a very bumpy road and need a break from myself. We all know that won't happen because April is another month of days (pun intended) and so is May. March, April and May are a trifecta of the grief emotional roller coaster in overdrive. I am really ready to ditch this ride and see if by doing so, the roller coaster will crash and burn. I am sick of it. That said, it is always in the lowest of moments that God shows me my heart, renews my spirit and lights my path. Sorrow is always a place of intense spiritual growth if you allow God to work on your heart.

I had my 37th birthday last week and birthdays for me are always a time where I ask God, "Who am I and why am I here," type questions. Some days I just feel like I am wasting my "talents." Talents that were born out of Samuel's saga. Faith that was born out of adversity. Faith that grew mightily out of miracles and faith that expounded even further when prayers were not answered the way I wanted. I feel like I need to be doing something......something more than I am doing now. I ask myself, "Am I living to please myself or to please God?" I am fully aware that living to please oneself will become a fruitless pursuit of elusive mirages. I don't want to ever fall into this trap and I seriously doubt I will. But by the same token, I feel like I am spinning my wheels ready to race the good race for God but not knowing where to start, or what I can do given that I am stranded at home five days a week. Being stranded didn't bother me nearly as much when Samuel was here because I had a lot to do. His absence leaves giant blocks of time still unused when I consider how much I used to get done in a day and the immense satisfaction I had for doing it. God has allowed me to do a lot in my life. Things I wouldn't have picked, would not have dreamed of doing, and today would not choose to trade with anyone. Many days were hard and those days were often the most blessed because I knew I was living out His Will. I've had my downtime. I've had my rest. I am ready to get up and go again. So, as a result of this line of questioning, I have had several "aha" moments with God this last month and feel like I know what He wants me to do with my life in the coming years. None of it makes any sense with the direction the world is going in. He'll need to do some major door opening to pave the way though as well as lay some things on Mark's heart because I can do nothing without his involvement. But, God created the world and He owns everything in it so if what is currently in my heart is His Will, I know all I have to do is say yes and have the faith to wait on His provision. I have done that knowing that the greatest blessings, the most joyous joys are only experienced when you say to Him, "Not my will, but Yours." This is one of the greatest lessons from our Lord Jesus during Passover. If God's Son submitted to God, how much more then should we? When Paul spoke of us presenting our bodies as a living sacrifice to God in Romans 12:1, he said it was our reasonable service in exchange for the grace He has afforded us through the sacrifice of His Son. If somebody died to save your life, or even more simply, when a loved one dies, a reasonable person will honor their memory in some very unique way. This is not an unreasonable request from our Lord, to honor the sacrifice of His Son by seeking to do His will while on this earth.


Last year at this time, I was heavily dreading April. I had been dreading it for months but when it came, the Lord turned April into a month of great joy. He allowed Samuel to visit me and the joy from that visitation carried me through every anniversary with many more smiles than tears. Samuel hasn't been around for awhile and I remind myself as all these anniversaries come and go that Heaven has no time, or at least doesn't record time like we do. Samuel's visits have never corresponded with anniversaries but instead have corresponded with what has been in my heart. I don't know what triggers him to come near, only that it is always a welcome surprise when it does happen. That said, it seems like he has been very busy up there because he hasn't been very near at all. And yes, that is tending to make me feel a little more sorrow as the time between my feeling his spirit grows longer. And after what this March has brought to bear, I have been dreading April. Yesterday morning, the first of April, I woke up from the dream I shared above and trust me, the Lord got my attention. He hasn't spoken a word to me so powerfully before but it continues to echo and echo and echo in my head because it's just so odd.


Perfection.


Perfection by it's oldest definition means something which is complete — which contains all the requisite parts; something which is so good that nothing of the kind could be better; or something which has attained its purpose


I am no perfectionist. At least not by the world's standards. I know that there will be nothing perfect on this earth until the Lord stands on it. Striving for worldly perfection is useless and I refuse to waste my time trying. So, the Lord giving me the word, "perfection," did at first seem like April Fools because He knows I find perfectionists very annoying. He also knows that I would attribute such a strong word to Him alone.



Perfection is a word for Heaven in my book. Perfection is something God does. Perfection is something we have to look forward to when we are with Him. Samuel is now perfection. I am not. True perfection is not something we can attain on this earth by ourselves and it has nothing to do with what the world calls perfect. Godly perfection is having every aspect of your life rooted and grounded in God's love and that is what we are to be pursuing daily because NO ONE is perfect here. Perfection is becoming more like Jesus daily. He is perfection. Perfection is divine love. This whole week of Passover is about our Lord's perfect sacrifice because God so loved the World and desperately wanted all His children in right relationship with Him. Is there a love stronger than one which would suffer and die for another? In that respect, I am not surprised that He would say "perfection" during these Holy Days. I am surprised He would say it to me.

I don't know what it means. To my knowledge (and quick research), there is no worship song called "Perfection." Secular, yes. Religious, no. That doesn't surprise me because as a Christian, I have not seen perfection and I am not sure anyone on earth could write a religious song about it and do it any justice. I have an idea of what perfection might be like but mainly because I know what it is not. But I've not seen it. Only those who have seen God have seen perfection. Only those who have died and gone to Heaven have seen perfection. Some of those dead were then revived and could not even find the right words to describe Heaven and feared nobody would even believe them. So, I would say, we truly have no clue what perfection is. What I do know is that He has my full attention on this and by drawing my attention back up to Him, I am suddenly getting that break I wanted from myself here on earth. That's a good thing.

Perfection? Tell me more.

Not my will, but Yours, Lord. Amen.

It's Never Going to be Right

The kids have departed to Mark's parents for the night. Swimming lessons for Anna in the morning and then we'll pick them all up with their cousin, Angus, who is only 2.5 months younger than Samuel would be. He's coming to spend the day. He's been here for birthday parties before, but never for the entire day. Anna says she has fun with him but that he's no Samuel. I'm sure it will be interesting and fun. He cried when he had to go home from Anna's party. He's an only child and enjoyed the bustle of a busier household.

But for the time being, it's quiet here at home and I feel no need to clean even though I should. Mark won't be home for awhile yet and while I have somehow gotten used to this stillness, it still doesn't feel right. When I was in my teen years, I enjoyed stillness. I often went on three hour horseback rides just to quiet my spirit and sort out complicated thoughts. I came home filthy but well-adjusted. Somehow, going riding doesn't feel right anymore even though it is something I never did with Samuel. It doesn't do what it used to do. Life is less complicated without Samuel in it and yet more complicated than it ever was before he existed. Before he was born, I never knew a piece of my heart had been missing. Now that he is gone, there isn't one day I don't miss him being part of my everyday life. It's still hard to rectify his absence when life goes on.

Before Samuel was ever hospitalized, I would tell you my favorite time of day to embrace the stillness was just before I fell asleep. The kids all tucked in their beds for the night, all the work of the day accomplished and nothing left to do but relax. For as long as it took me to drift off to dreamland, I had no responsibilities other than to compose myself for the next day. I remember loving that feeling!

After Samuel was hospitalized, I learned to loathe the late-nights. Everything bad that happened to Samuel occurred at night just as we were trying to go to bed. I began to dread bedtime wondering what the next thing would be. That and whatever it was kept us up all night and then I couldn't sleep in the daytime either. When there was stillness at the hospital, it was only because he was drugged.

When things started turning around for Samuel and we were getting close to heading home in late July 2004, I started liking the early mornings. I used to wake up around 5am knowing no RN would come in until around 8am and Samuel would probably not wake up until 6:30-7am if I was really quiet. I would quickly and quietly shower, dress and run downstairs for coffee telling my RN not to go in to his room and not to let anyone else go in either. They knew I would be gone less than 10 minutes so it was never a big deal. I could get all this done by 5:45am. Then I could just sit by his bed, watch the sun rise and drink espresso. We were in a room where the window view was east and as the sun began to beam it's rays in, I would close the drapes just a little a time so they would not wake him. I enjoyed that stillness where I could pretend that all was well even when it wasn't. I spent time in prayer as I listened to the sound of him breathing so peacefully without a care in the world......at least until he woke up. For the last couple weeks, I have woke up to the sun rising in my window and am reminded of sitting by Samuel's bed waiting patiently for him to get up. For a brief second before I am ever fully awake, I imagine him watching over me while I sleep; like the scene is in reverse. It makes me happy every morning when it's the first thought to come to mind. Maybe it's real and maybe it's not. I don't know. I don't care. These few seconds of lucid stillness help me get through the day regardless.

Mark and I mainly run errands in the time where the kids are at his parents because I can go nowhere during the week. Last weekend we hit Costco and then ate dinner out. It's about a 20 minute drive in which we pretty much said nothing. Mark was playing my new Martina CD and we were just content to listen in the stillness. As I enjoyed the music blaring, I knew in my heart that the stillness didn't feel right. I would be willing to bet Mark would say the same. Sometimes there are no words that convey what's missing in our hearts and so we say nothing each not wanting to burden the other with the sadness that comes from this new found freedom. In that stillness, there is a tangible sadness we both recognize and seem to spare sharing when the kids are around. Or maybe the house is just never still with the kids so we never quiet ourselves enough to let the sadness creep in. That's a good thing.

Every day I catch myself thinking, "This is not right," I remind myself that "it wasn't right when Samuel was here either." It wasn't. It was worse and it was better, just depended on the day. Life wasn't right the day my brother was killed in a car accident. Life wasn't right when 230k people died in the Haitian earthquake. Life wasn't right when the twin towers were bombed. Life wasn't right when Delma died, even though she was old and we knew it was coming. When was life EVER right? There have been little moments here and there that were glorious but they don't last. If Mark and I have figured out how to do one thing in this life, that would be to make the best of bad situations. We continue to do that every day every way we can. The current "not right" we are still trying to get used to and make the best of now nearly two years later. I don't mind shedding silent tears here and there. It's bound to happen when the quiet times set in. Currently, too much stillness is still a bad thing. Perhaps that is why I don't find riding Bud comforting yet.

The Bible tells us that Children of God are not of this world. Well, thank God for that. The Bible also tells us that Jesus was a man of sorrows and as followers of Him, we also will partake in sorrows. Life on earth was never meant to be Heavenly. If has never been nor will ever be "right." If it were, there would be no need for Heaven or the blessed hope. Jesus said to be of good cheer for He overcame the world. I am trying. We are trying. Every day we make a choice to either dwell on everything that is not right, or to make the best of things knowing something better is just across the horizon. I am coming to fully realize what Jesus meant when He said, "He who endures to the end," and "the patience of the Saints." There are still so many days when I feel like I am stuck in this life because I know there is something better waiting. Samuel is waiting. The Bible tells us not to love our lives on earth or we will lose our eternal life with Him. I do not love my life on Earth. I am thankful for the blessings and the people who surround me, but I would be ready to step foot in Heaven in an instant and would never look back. Course, my prayer is that God spare all our lives here, or take us to Heaven together because I don't want to go through loss again.....we'll see how that turns out.

The little Samuel moments like the new morning thing lift my spirits. They help me to endure these quiet moments that still feel tremendously awkward and at times still awful. I know life is never going to be right as long as we live on Earth. Still trying to get used to it.

When Random Isn't Random

Have you ever had something just pop into your head that interrupted whatever you were previously thinking about so much so that you forgot everything that came before it. You ask yourself, "Where the heck did that come from?" It feels random and yet it is that randomness that draws your attention to it. I had one of those moments a few nights ago.


I was in bed, ready to fall asleep yet still half thinking, half praying, slightly annoyed with the events of the day, slightly annoyed overall and then PING; total interruption. I saw Samuel and I sitting in the lobby of the Tacoma hospital. For a brief few seconds I watched us as if I was an observer totally detached from the scene. The sheer randomness of this seemingly forgettable moment entering my mind woke me right up. Of all the things to remember, this wouldn't even be on the bottom of my list.

The hospital lobby is not somewhere I would ever want to find myself again. It wasn't a place I wanted to be in even when I was. We only found ourselves sitting there waiting when Samuel needed a transfusion on a weekend. I would check us in with the lobby desk who would then call up to the floor to let them know we were there. We would then sit and wait for someone to come for us. When Samuel needed transfusions, he also had no immune system so sitting here in the middle of anyone and everyone walking in off the street, coming and going from the hospital, coughing and sneezing, was not something I wanted to do for long. This was not a safe place for Samuel to be. Many times we came when he wasn't able to walk so he sat in his stroller. I would tell him, "Don't touch anything." There were plants by the benches and occasionally a toy display and it was all he could do to keep his little fingers off these things. I would wheel him to a corner where people didn't seem to want to sit away from anything he could touch and watch the elevator hoping the RN would hurry up. On the days when he actually walked himself into the hospital, we sat in the same place but I did not allow him to play or fidget at all trying to minimize germ exposure. Thankfully we never had to wait longer than five to ten minutes here.

Conversely, after we were discharged and I knew Mark was nearing the hospital to pick us up, we would head back down to this lobby to wait for him to pull in. He could just drive up and get us without parking if we were ready to go. And again, the same rules applied, "Don't touch anything." This time we stood on the other side of the room where I could see the cars coming in. We never waited more than a couple minutes to get out of there and trust me, we couldn't wait to get out of there. We were beyond sick of the hospital by the time Samuel was transfusion dependent.

Of all the things that would come to mind right as I was falling asleep, this was just odd. Even more odd was the fact that this scene, as I saw it in third person, wasn't a true memory. On the surface, the hospital lobby looked just as I remember it and we certainly sat in it multiple times but other parts of what I saw would never have happened. Samuel and I were sitting Indian style face to face on the bench by the door where we usually stood to wait for Mark. He was touching everything and it didn't bother me. We usually came with a backpack, a book bag, some toys and his food but I saw none of these next to us. There was no stroller either and he didn't look sick at all We were so enthralled in conversation though I didn't hear what was said, and neither one of us seemed concerned about watching for our ride. We had perfect peace without a care in the world.

I didn't dream it, I saw it. About five seconds worth. Enough to recognize that it was a scene from the past that at first glance looked normal, but upon further inspection, never happened. I never recall memories in the third person either. I knew God was trying to show me something here. He always knows how to get my attention, that's for sure.

I haven't felt Samuel's spirit near since before Thanksgiving yet I feel like I am plugged in to him somehow. I don't feel a gut-wrenching separation anymore and haven't for nearly a year. Since I was with him in April...... Putting all his sound clips on my computer has filled our house with his voice ringing out whenever it wishes. One day he said, "Look Mom" so many times that my kids asked me what he wanted. They didn't realize that was e-mail notification. We laughed because he called me so many times one day that it was like old times when he used to call me every five minutes if I wasn't nearby. The clips I took ring in my ears even when I am not near the computer. One, "I didn't ask for this," whirled around my head for weeks. He said that about a Christmas gift he apparently wasn't enthused about. Typical Samuel, said exactly what came into his head. We all know where he gets that...... He never said that about being sick all the time, that for whatever reason, he accepted as his normal. This life we live without him, nobody asked for this. While peace rules my heart over him being in Heaven because I remind myself, he got out of here and he is finally safe, the days we spend here feel like they drag on and on.

The entire counsel of Ecclesiastes rules my life. I wake up day after day vexed by the vileness of sin in the world. What's good is now bad and what's bad is now good. It disgusts me. And it's rampant. The earth is reaping the "world with no God" that they have so craved for generations and look where it's gotten us. There is no future here without God's intervention and still so few have come to that conclusion. I get up each day and catch up on what has happened since I went to bed and all I see is the boulder growing larger and picking up steam. People run to and fro each thinking they have the solution to the world's problems and all that happens is their solutions continue to make matters worse. The crises worldwide is not economic, it's spiritual. Until we come to terms with the spiritual problem which points back to sin, we can forget about man made solutions. They are withheld from our knowledge, obviously.

Ever since Samuel's relocation to Heaven, I have had ample time to reacquaint myself with the world again. Prior to Samuel's death, we lived in our own little world and it was easy to have no clue what was going on worldwide. Now I look at it everyday as I try to educate my children on how they should live here, what they should expect here, and what is expected of them here. Each day they wait to find out where the latest earthquake has occurred. We were marking them on a world map and that was interesting for a time, right up until Haiti when they realized the utter disaster an earthquake is capable of. They are aware of the wars, famines, droughts, and chaos worldwide as well as what the Bible says about the "last days." They do their studies to meet the home school requirements for our state but the real education comes from understanding the way this world works, or how this world is broken, depending on your point of view. They watch people rise and see them fall. They see famous people who are miserable and poor people full of joy in spite of their lack of resources. They ask questions about who, what, where and why and they get answers. They understand a little more everyday how little this world has to offer them in terms of fulfillment. They have learned very early in life to savor the tiniest things that go unnoticed by many; family fun, good pizza, pancakes they made themselves, a campfire, a movie everyone sat down to watch, a trip to the snow, a small job well done and rewarded, a couple good friends, a life free of hospitals, just to name a few. It is a gift from God to feel exuberant over these seemingly small trifles. That is what Ecclesiastes is trying to teach. Solomon didn't learn these lessons until he was very old suffering the consequences of his many sins and he penned this book in the hopes it would not take us as long to figure out to stop wasting our time chasing the wind. This is the biggest most important lesson I try to teach my kids daily which is quite contrary to what schools teach. Education doesn't equal fulfillment. All the money in the world doesn't buy joy. Chasing the dream of more, more and more stuff makes it impossible to cherish the little things along the way. Life begins with God breathing life into our bodies and it ends with Him taking that breath away. Life is only fulfilled and meaningful if you honor Him as you live it. If you reject Him, you live life chasing after something you never find.

Depression is the epitome of Ecclesiastes because it forces you to see life on earth as it truly is....futile. Futile, that is, without God. The incidence of drug use, alcohol abuse and "need" for anti-depressants is astronomical and it all points back to spiritual depravity. Then we hear, "depression meds don't work." Well, duh! They don't address the real problem. We were not meant to exist without an intimate relationship with God. We were created by God to live in His presence. Adam and Eve lived with Him until their fall. And even after that, He was still with them, helping them, guiding them, because at that point, they needed Him even more. He didn't disown them and the entire Bible is a love story between God and His people from beginning to end. He doesn't reject people, they reject Him. Eventually, He just stops calling them allowing them to get further and further away from Him of their own free will. There are consequences to that rejection, in the spirit, in the mind and in the body. Those consequences affect the world. We're living in that world now. Godly children need to know what they are dealing with and that it's far deeper than just money problems.

Another of Samuel's sound clips has been echoing in my head as well. "Get this show on the road." This was said early Christmas morning as he was waiting to open presents. Mark told him, "Tell Mama to get this show on the road." So, of course, he said it. And that is exactly how I feel about my life right now. I am vexed by the evil around me and my lack of ability to change it. My finances stop me from helping people as much as I would like and all the worldly possessions we finance tie us down. We're stuck with them. I am thankful to have what I have and yet I loathe it all the same. I am annoyed at my own greed and a lot of this debt wasn't debt I asked for. It was the cost of trying to save a life. Life today feels like a treadmill. We walk a long way and never seem to move. The day to day mundane is driving me insane because I see the world stage being set for something and yet it feels like it is still far away. Mark is feeling the same vexation though he doesn't realize it as much as I do. Everyday he works in an environment where children are living with major physical problems due to accidents, genetics, or abuse. 95% do it without parents involved. After all we did for Samuel, Mark cannot find even one good excuse for this behavior. Seeing it day after day only serves to deepen the wounds he carries. His heart is so tender for these children. He knows their needs for love and how much of a difference that can make even in the most horrible of circumstances. The worst part of everything is that you want to help and you can't. Either because of bureaucracy or lack of funds. All you can do is watch. And most people don't watch. They cover their eyes, they harden their hearts or they drug themselves to the point of not caring anymore if they ever did in the first place. People who do care forget to pray or don't know they should. I just think, "Something's got to change. How long can this go on?" I don't want to live in a world like this much less try to raise my children in it. There is only so much heartache a "sober" heart can stand to watch, how much more heartache must God have then? I hear Samuel's words echo, "Get this show on the road." Do something to change this! Please! Or remove us from it. Whichever. I know there is a correction coming, and I just wish it would hurry up. People need to wake up, sober up and turn back to God. Just as one person can affect many for evil, one person can also affect many for good. So everyday I am waiting and waiting for something, and still wondering how many more awful things might our family have to endure here in the interim.

And so, now you understand where my annoyance comes from. Why I went to bed slightly annoyed, praying, and thinking. I have been doing that for months now but those feelings have intensified since 2010 began. Mainly because I am well aware that for all of 2009, God put a hedge of protection around us so that we could have peace and He could bind up our wounds. When 2010 rolled around, after a quiet 2009, I cannot help but wonder what is coming and am trying to do the best I can to prepare my family for things we didn't ask for. When I saw Samuel and I sitting in the hospital lobby, I was reminded once again that God always hears me. He knows my heart perfectly. Even better than I know it.

So there I was, sitting and waiting in a place I have previously determined was not a safe place to be stuck in, yet I had perfect peace. I had no baggage at all. Nothing to tie me down to this earth whatsoever. And Samuel was there waiting with me, and not at all sick. Whomever we were waiting for was apparently wasn't getting off the elevator nor were they driving up because we were not looking in either direction. Thinking out loud, you cannot see God but if you belong God, you'll hear Him when He calls. The thing about the hospital lobby is, we never had to wait long.

And this whole vision can stand alone and fill me with hope for the future, and knowledge that He is not far away from us ever. He hears the cries of the hearts of His people. He brings rest to the weary and hope to the hopeless. Regardless of where we are with Him, we all have those kinds of days here. They won't go away until we are with Him either. I have come to realize that more than ever. He fills all the holes in my heart that Samuel's absence left behind but it's still not yet enough because I have tasted a bit of what Samuel lives now and it blows this existence out of the water. I crave that. What Samuel has in Heaven. It's a far cry from what we live on earth and my heart longs for it daily.

It's awesome to see how God can take a scene that IRL was nothing I would ever want to remember and alter it to show me His Glory making it memorable forever. I know that is the true essence of God, to take something miserable and redeem it for good. And as if that isn't awesome enough, when you put this vision together with the scene He replayed for me last April, also a memory that was slightly altered for His Glory, it's like the continuation of it. And again, I tell you, we never had to wait long once we entered the lobby. It's so cool to think that just as I am waiting here, Samuel is also waiting in Heaven for the Glory which is to come.

Let the whole world know that our God reigns forever. Amen.


ETA after I published this and viewed the entry on the Blog itself, the song that "randomly" played was, "Something's got to change." And again I say, God hears...........

Conversations in the Heart

Over the last couple weeks, I have been editing video in an effort to preserve every last Samuel gem I can find. Video was never my favorite mode of saving memories so there are only a few hours of Samuel's lifetime captured. Of course now, I am kicking myself in the butt because there isn't more video and at the same time I am so thankful we have what we have. I have been telling Mark, "We are so lucky to have this." Some of the stills I have taken from video take my breath away because he is so beautiful. Taking the photos apart from the video, you would never believe his body was destroying itself.


I have also edited out many sound bytes which I added to Samuel's Site as well as to my computer. Every computer sound is now Samuel's voice. When I told Mark I was planning to put Samuel's voice on the computer, he told me if I did, it would break his heart. Thankfully as he watched me find and edit out Samuel's words, his heart was fine. When my e-mail arrives, instead of "You've got mail," Samuel says, "Look Mom!" It's so cool. It also freaked out the neighbors when they first heard it because they thought someone was standing behind them, which was pretty funny. His voice sounds incredibly real when it bursts out of the speakers. I realized how much we have missed his voice around here and most especially the way he articulated things.


I tend to favor the still pictures from his life because they show his spirit true. When you add sound, context and movement back, it takes away from his spirit. For example, I watch the video and see my beautiful boy so burdened by his physical body. I see the way he walked so frail like an old man at times. I see him trying so hard not to let it get him down. I see and hear the heartbreak Mark and I shared the entire time. Samuel was better at hiding reality than we were. In the earlier video, say from 2004-2006, it is not as obvious if you didn't live it. But in the 2007 video, the sorrow is all over us. We tried to carry the sorrow for Samuel but it is apparent by 2007 that he was not only burdened by his body but also burdened by what his body was doing to us. He was still trying so hard to be happy, to make the best of things, but I can tell you very plainly that it was an effort on his part by that time.


Mark and I watched these videos back in January and I didn't even make it a minute before I was sobbing as I watched him smile. I viewed it with much sadness because that life was the best he got here and it stung deeply. Those recorded memories and many more unrecorded ones were all we had to cling to. The stab of physical death only served to put the final unnecessary blow on the videos. At that time, I didn't have a revelation of what Samuel was like in Heaven and even though I was aware that his body and spirit were two separate entities, and that he was forever healed and free, I had no concept of what that really meant, looked like or felt like. Everyone writes that their child is forever healed and free when they die from some horrible disease but it's only head knowledge. For many, it remains head knowledge and their heart never seems to move beyond that first week after physical death even many years later. Watching your child die is certainly something you don't easily recover from to be certain. It changes you in ways that can never be articulated in words. Just as when you feel them come alive inside your body when you are pregnant cannot be accurately explained unless you have experienced it, neither can feeling them take their last breath or feeling their heart stop. As beautiful as feeling the unborn move inside you is, the opposite ugliness is feeling your living child's body die in your arms. It's beyond hideous -- because we only see one side of it. I asked the Lord for over a year to show me the other side; the side Samuel lived on. He didn't show me but instead, allowed me to feel what it felt like which made a bigger impression than anything I might see since I don't trust my eyes all that much.



When I started previewing the video looking for Samuel's one-liners, I started from 2007 and worked my way back knowing that by the time I reached the video of him before the age of two, he says very little. Well, unless you count, quacks, barks, purrs, snorts and laughing. He had his own language and it wasn't English. He seemed to just know he was the entertainment so he always hammed it up for the camera. The funny thing is that it always seemed like he and I had all these conversations even back then. Yet, he never really talked until after he was diagnosed. I remember Mark commenting when we were in the hospital in that first week that Samuel was finally starting to talk and the words he said were perfect English, as if he had been talking for years. We were like, "Wow!"



Samuel and I always understood each other without spoken words. We had conversations between our hearts without the head knowledge to recognize it at the time. Mark and I do this often as well. Things between Samuel and I now are a lot like they were when he was a baby; we don't need words, only the Holy Spirit as interpreter and teacher. Occasionally, Samuel is even allowed to visit which only serves to impress upon my heart whatever the message was in a most undeniable way. In the months between the January viewing of the video and these last couple weeks, I realize that my head knowledge about Samuel being healed and free is now heart knowledge that has taken root very deeply. I can easily identify and separate the physical limitations his body put on him; the parts of his life that are from the curse that is on the earth from his beautiful perfect spirit. I am very much aware of the freedom he now enjoys because he shed that body and I am happy that he no longer has to live like he did here. I asked Mark the other day if he can even imagine what it will be like to live carefree with Samuel. He cannot because we never did here. But, when Samuel is allowed to share something with me for even a brief second, the joy is more than overwhelming. I get a small taste of what it will be like and I cannot wait. Because of this, it was easy to grab his pictures and happy words from the video without tears because I know which parts of his life on earth were left here and which parts he took. Somehow, this heart knowledge is something he knew and shared before he left. One day when he saw that I was quietly crying as I helped him limp to the bathroom while carrying his IV pack he told me that he was sorry and then changed his sentence to "My body is sorry, Mama." I knew then that he had learned something we hadn't yet fully understood. Something it has taken me this last full year to really comprehend.


Samuel never cried as we did when we all knew he was living out his last days here. I always wondered about that. I was glad at the time that I did not have to wipe his tears as well as my own but it was a curious thing nonetheless. I have learned something about that this past year too. In the few instances I have been physically ill over the last year, unlike in years when Samuel was here, I was able to rest and focus on myself vs. run myself ragged taking care of others. It felt so foreign and was a nice change. In those times when my focus was on myself because I didn't have anything pressing to take care of, or just could not get out of bed, it was then that I heard God most clearly. It was then that He taught me so much about life here and life in Heaven too. But back in November when we were all sick with the flu (probably Swine Flu but no one was oinking), I had an entirely different experience. One I think Samuel must have had in those last days. I felt love and peace and some very amazing presences around me. Like they were right beside me. The cares I had for this world and even my own sick body were minimal. Not only was Samuel near me, but so were Delma and Mac. I felt like they were going to walk through the door any minute. Since Delma and Mac went to Heaven, I have never ever felt them near me like that. Little Delma things here and there but never like she was right around the corner, or within my grasp. I was afraid to speak of the feeling because it might go away. It did go away after I got better. There was a place in the middle of it though were I almost did not want to get better because I wanted them to stay. It was absolutely amazing to feel them near. I asked myself at some point in the midst of it, "Is this what Samuel felt when he was dying?" If so, I know why he never cried. I know why he understood so fully that his body was not his true identity in Christ. I know why he knew that he had nothing to be sorry for and nothing to worry about in leaving this earth. I also know why he was excited to go to Heaven yet clinging to us. He was thinking about us being left behind. When I felt Delma, Mac and Samuel's presence, I so wanted to be with them for eternity and yet I knew I could not leave my family here without me. I believe that part of what took Samuel so long to agree to leave his body here for good was a conversation between him and God about what would happen to his family here.



I believe that God allowed me to experience this back in November to answer many of my questions concerning Samuel's last days here. Ones I hadn't actually asked in many many months. Because of it, I know that if I or any of my loved ones who belong to God are ever in a bad physical state, or near death, that we will be surrounded by many loved ones and we will feel them intimately. I know that when we leave this earth, we will be most happy to do so knowing that our loved ones left behind are not all that far away after all. While death here is a tragedy, for those who go to Heaven, it is a triumph and a great victory. I think Samuel was allowed to see or feel the "other side" before he ever left his body here. I am pretty certain he was dreaming of being in Heaven on those last days here and the peace that I have found through this experience is beyond measure and words.



After Samuel went to Heaven, someone sent me a note that "God had a plan for Samuel in Heaven now." I remember thinking that God's plans for us are on earth. When we get to Heaven, God rewards us. We don't "work." We just enjoy. I figured Samuel was up there playing and would never look back. His job was done here. We were left to pick up the pieces and try to go on after that misery while life was a party for him. Our two worlds were now separate. Well, I was wrong and the person who sent me this note probably didn't realize how right they were. Being Samuel's mother and watching the way he lived his life on earth taught me a lot about what God can do if you allow Him to. Having tragedy after tragedy finally steal him from my arms was the ultimate insult that has forever cut loose any desires I might have had for this or in this world. Before this year, I had head knowledge about this scripture passage which speaks to how we should live on earth. (Colossians 3:1-4) Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all His glory. Today this scripture is how I live my life. It is deeply rooted into my heart. I live life here and try to filter it with an eternal perspective. Will such and such really matter in eternity? That question really changes the way you choose to live day to day. Last year ended with the Lord giving me new perspectives on Samuel's lifetime here and simply getting those revelations changed a lot of my perceptions about what we are allowed to know about Heaven. The Lord and I literally had conversations during that time where I asked and He answered and not an audible word was spoken. We conversed at the speed of thought and those conversations took root deeply into my heart. That was a first for me. A first of many. Our day to day conversations do not always revolve around Samuel however. The revelations about Samuel or from him have only come at certain times usually when I am not expecting them at all. But every day I hear the Lord answer me; I will ask a question in my mind that somehow pertains to Him and He will answer. Those little conversations keep my life on earth in check with Him because I know that if I ask something and don't hear the answer, I have gotten too far away from Him and need to back up. I don't ever ever want to be in a place where I don't hear Him everyday again. That is frightening.



I realized from the day Samuel left us til now that a lot of what we think about God is wrong. We have been educated with Earth logic which is foolishness to God. Let God be true and every man a liar (Romans 3:4). That scripture will get you a long way in learning to be taught by Him vs. the world. When I really took hold of Ephesians 2 which teaches that when we become part of God's family, we are seated with Christ in Heaven, that is when my head knowledge of what I thought was true stepped aside and allowed God to teach me all the things that are true from His perspective over the past year. We limit ourselves so much with the junk of the earth. The more I have realized this, the harder I have tried to break free of those bonds to live closer to the joy I have only experienced from God. Samuel is part of this. The things I have learned are things I would have never learned if not for Samuel's life and love on earth Things I could not share with you if not for Samuel's life here. Samuel has drawn me closer to God than any other single human being I have ever known. What does that say about God's plan for his life? What an amazing child of God he is! I count myself the luckiest mom on earth every day because of Samuel. I am a better mom every day to my children on earth because of Samuel. And a better wife. I am blessed coming in and will be blessed when I leave here. Amazing, amazing, amazing!


My eyes are drawn to Samuel's eyes as I watch the videos. The picture that is now the header for the blog just takes my breath away. On video, this picture is him looking at me while we are having a little conversation. You would never know by looking at his face that the leukemia is back. You would never know that his butt was hurting and he was limping. You would never know that he was trying so hard to not be grumpy...for me. When I see his shining face in this picture,, I don't see any of those things. I see his eyes looking at me. I see his spirit shining through in spite of it all. I feel his love. I am thankful beyond measure to God for allowing all these little conversations between all of our hearts to get me to the point I am at today. I look forward to many many more of them in this new year.

May you be blessed this year and give God the glory for it! Happy New Year!

A Precious Time

You might be wondering where Mark was in these pictures. He was at work. We have been taking a small school break to just play all day, or it would seem that way anyway. The kids are very excited for Christmas as they always are and as far as being ready goes, we have everything done. All we have left to do is enjoy the season.

Mark and I enjoyed choosing gifts for each child this season. We spent quite a few hours looking through stores to find just the right thing. We stopped often to look at dinosaurs. There are so many cool ones out these days. They make us smile as we chase each other around with one that growls, snarls and tries to bite you. We were goofing around in one store which is pretty much our normal anyway but an employee told us she was sorry she didn't have a web cam to put us on YouTube. Ha. We talk about what Samuel would think of each toy we see with his name all over it. Yet, my heart is happy knowing that it's Christmas everyday where he lives. I don't have to buy him things with the hope that he will be entertained enough by the toy that he forgets his troubles for awhile. I am fully aware that he is fantastic and doing amazing things I can only dream of for now. It's Samuel, I know whatever he is doing will be fun. I also know he cannot wait to show me. Still,it is the greatest exercise in patience I have ever experienced just to wait to be with him again. Things are today, as I said they would be many years ago; I know where he is and he knows where I am. I know he is well taken care of and I don't have to worry about him. Doesn't mean I don't miss him obviously but even that has dramatically changed.

Last year, things were much different here. My heart was heavy. All of our hearts were heavy without our precious boy here with us. It has taken so long to get used to him not being here day in day out and yet it seems we have done just that. But I know it is much more than simply getting used to things. Last year at this time, I had yet to experience Samuel's tangible presence. The Lord was only just beginning to reveal so many truths about Samuel's life to me at this time. There was a lot to take in and it took literally months to process and lay down. No more what ifs or I wishes. Making peace with the past was the first step. But even that wasn't enough to lift the burdens I was carrying. In February, God allowed Samuel to visit his Dad long enough to tell him "it's okay" and let him see that Samuel is now a big strong radiant boy. And that gave me some more peace but quite frankly, it wasn't my experience so the peace didn't last long. In April, I really hit bottom. I had made peace with the past but that still did not ease the loneliness I lived with. Samuel was one of my best friend's ever. I was truly spoiled to have both him and his dad as best friends at the same time. When he was suddenly gone and Mark went back to work, the days were as blank as ever right up until Mark came home. That was when the day seemed to start for me. I felt terrible for my other kids because that feeling really spoke of my lesser relationships with them. It has taken me some time to understand the kind of bond I had with Samuel vs. the other kids. Samuel wasn't going to be with us for very long. God obviously knew that. I didn't. All I did know was the intimacy we had immediately after he was born that seemed to grow exponentially each day. I wasn't going to get a "lifetime" with Samuel as perhaps I will have with the other kids. We incorporated a lifetime of love into his short life here. It was so anti climatic to live without it. Awful. On that day in April, the sorrow of knowing that I would never experience Samuel's love on earth again sunk so deeply into me that I wasn't sure I would ever be happy again. It was then that God allowed Samuel to be with me in a very tangible way and it was that experience that lifted the burden of loneliness nearly completely. That experience helped me realize that nothing has changed. Those few moments I was with him were some of the most incredible moments I have ever experienced on earth. His spirit and love blanketed mine for weeks if not months after that. That was certainly a turning point. When the anniversary of his physical death came and went, my spirit rose above it because my last experience with him then was just weeks before when he was very very much alive. More alive then than ever on this earth.

The summer came and went and our family had many happy times. Over the last year, my relationship with each child has begun to blossom in ways I thought impossible because of my loneliness for Samuel. I am starting to see little qualities of Samuel that I loved in each child come out and I feel like I am finally getting to know each child a lot more intimately. Mark and I both realize that Samuel was such an awesome child because of all the one on one time we spent with him. Doing the same with each of my other children is having the same effect. Time well spent! My days are filled with joy and laughter again. Especially with Daniel who is starting to pick up and carry on some of Samuel's humor.

September arrived and Samuel was allowed to visit me again, only this time I didn't see him, just felt him. But he was here nonetheless. He cannot hide the glorious joy he implants into my spirit. And then again in November, I felt him again only this time it was when I was up and fully awake vs. barely awake. How could this be? I really wondered how on earth I could be so blessed to have felt him here so very much over this past year.

Interestingly enough, the healing in my heart that has taken place because of this defies any earthly logic. I feel as if Samuel never died. He just left and couldn't take his body because he got a new one. A body worthy of his glorious spirit. The body he had certainly was not worthy of it. Because I have experienced his presence so much this past year, I know that God has more than made up for everything that happened to him on earth. God allowing me to feel Samuel has also bridged the gap of loneliness I feel for him. God knows he was one of my best friends. Today, I do not dwell on the tragedies and think "poor Samuel" because I know he is anything BUT poor now. And Samuel being Samuel, he has made certain that I am certain of all these things and know he is happy. Even more than that; he made sure I know that he is still Samuel. The Samuel we knew when he was free of pain and suffering. Last year all I could think about was how when I saw him again, I was going to apologize for ever allowing that chemo in that first month. I don't know what I would have done in it's place but I certainly feel ill when I think about the poison ruining his body. Today, I know I don't have to apologize. All of that is not relevant anymore because he thanked me for helping him no matter what the outcome. He knows we always did what we thought was best. Last year I wasn't certain of this. This year I am. On the glorious day I see him again for eternity, I can guarantee you we won't be talking about the past......period. I will be waiting for him to escort me all around the land and I think we will probably be running, singing and laughing.

When I look back on his life here, I do so with a sense of accomplishment knowing we did everything we could do to give him some quality of life here. When it became obvious that his body wasn't going to sustain him, we helped him to embrace going to Heaven. It wasn't easy as you well know but there comes a point when you have to ask yourself what you are trying to save your child from. I knew I wanted to save Samuel from suffering and if that meant he had to move to Heaven, we would accept that. Putting that down on paper and living it out are two different things and it has taken me about 18 months to work what I knew in my heart all out into real life. He is in good hands there.

I am also well aware of how sensitive Samuel is to my spirit. I was aware of this last year but it is so much more clear to me now. That continues to amaze me because when his body died, the bond we shared felt broken. I realize now that it was my own sorrow that suffocated any attempt he might have made to show me it wasn't. Last year at this time, God helped me get into a place spiritually where I could feel that our bond is still as strong as ever - just different. As I have learned to be more sensitive to God's voice, apparently, I have also become more sensitive to Samuel's spirit.

Samuel's Video is one of my favorite shows currently. Funny, after it was mostly done, I found myself wondering when he ever found time to be sick. That was amazing in itself because I fully remember him being sick and yet the Lord has gently softened those memories and allowed the good times to rise above the bad. God also lets me experience the future by allowing Samuel to be near occasionally. I remember being so afraid that the awful memories would haunt me for the rest of my life, but they don't. I remember writing sometime last year Psalm 37:4 which says Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

I didn't know what my heart could desire that was on this earth so I wasn't sure how He would deliver his promise here. Thankfully, the desire of my heart wasn't limited to earth. He knew I desired to somehow feel Samuel, talk to Samuel, be with Samuel, something. He delivered easily a hundredfold over anything I ever thought possible here. Another thing I am especially aware of is that when I am physically ill, Samuel is very very near. That is very comforting.

I have found that doing little Samuel projects like the video is very fulfilling to my spirit as well. I asked God what Samuel thought of his video shortly after I posted it on the Mom and Me site. It took me awhile to get the answer but only because it came in a way I wasn't expecting. I separated Samuel's Site from the Mom and Me site back in 2006 for a variety of reasons but mainly because it was too hard to update with so many pages. When I changed hosting last May, that left Samuel's Site in limbo and I haven't been able to do any editing ever since which is why I placed the video on the Mom and Me site. After Samuel went to Heaven, the business slowed down extremely noticeably. That was fine because I didn't want to work it anyway. It has really never picked up since. I am certain because of the economy however after I asked God what Samuel thought of his video suddenly business has picked up considerably. So much so that I have been quite busy since I put up the video. The customers aren't even watching the video so I know the two things are not correlated because of that. It's just that I put "Samuel" back on the Mom and Me site and whatever life he brought to it in the past has been revived again. Either that or he just really liked his video. I know he liked how it ends. Pretty interesting! One day we will laugh about all these little things and I can just hear him saying, "Boy it took you so long to figure that out."

Since making the video, I realized that I can do something for Samuel "for Christmas." I just have to be a little more creative than going to a store and buying something. As it just so happens, I received some amazing software for Christmas and in playing around with it, I got motivated to get Samuel's Site out of limbo. It is a work in progress to get everything moved over and re-organized but I am enjoying it.

As the year winds down, I realize and appreciate that I am living in a precious time right now. Over the past year, God has been piecing my life back together in amazing and unmistakable ways. He has been knitting my family together in a beautiful fashion that has yet to be completed. We are in a good place. We have a lot of peace and quiet and for that I am thankful. I have learned not to take these kinds of days for granted.

Merry Christmas all! May the love and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ find you and fill you.

Christmas Everyday

I had intended to get back on here and record Samuel's latest "message" to me well before now. I like to put these down while the refreshing I receive from his spirit lingers. (He was here again) Instead, my family took an unscheduled detour with the flu for the last week with everyone now in varying stages of "getting better." It's amazing how narrow your world becomes when you are sick. And then to have your entire family sick at once, nothing outside these walls even matters anymore. That "narrowing" is a very familiar feeling to us.

The flu we experienced had some particularly nasty elements. Everyone missed the GI symptoms which was nice but the splitting headache was debilitating. Then it mutated so many times that just when you thought you were getting better, your symptoms moved somewhere else and you got worse. Everyone lost their taste buds for days and Anna refused to eat because "everything is gross." I was never able to fully explain to her that the food was fine, but she just didn't taste it right. She was certain I was clueless about how gross the food was but we all had the same problem. Anna was probably the most miserable for the longest period of time, that she has ever been in her life. As hard as we tried to avoid this flu, and for all the vitamins and herbs we took to "ease" this if we did get it, it sure didn't seem as though it mattered much. Everyone had their share of the misery with this one. The one thing we do do well, however, is take care of each other. Our world was "narrowed" for so long because of Samuel, that it is just second nature for everyone to pick up the slack and keep things going as best they can. The difference now, is that we know our sickness won't last but a few days and then we can get back to our "normal" lives. Yet we also know that even with the best of planning and most careful contacts, we will still have to deal with sickness in the future, but once it has left our house, we don't give it a second thought until it makes the rounds again.

I think of Samuel a lot when I get sick. I am always glad he will miss out on whatever the newest misery is here. Anna was the first to get sick last Wednesday and Kaysha and I followed suit on Thursday. I spent that day in bed for the most part with Daniel taking care of the three of us. By Friday, I was doing better or at least, the headache was gone and Daniel was sick so I was back to taking care of them. I decided I would rather take care of the sick than be the sick. I was tricked into thinking I was getting over it too but it was just the calm before the next storm. I started thinking of our last conversations with Samuel. Telling him about how once he gets to Heaven, he will never be sick again. Not ever. He will never hurt. He can eat whatever he wants and play and play and play. I told him he would be so happy. We told him it was not fair to him to stay on earth with his body in that condition when he could go to Heaven instead. I started thinking about what that might have felt like for him. To finally know that he was truly healed. No more doctors, no more surgeries, no more medicine, no more ports, no more sore tummy and butt. I tried to imagine what that would have felt like if he was on earth with us but I couldn't imagine the joy lasting long because I knew that as long as he was here, there was never a guarantee. While we constantly worked to get him feeling better, we never ever had peace that "it" was over. We always knew tomorrow might bring disaster. And just like we know that we will get the flu or a bad cold again, we also knew Samuel would constantly have obstacles in his way that would challenge his quality of life for as long as he stayed on earth. We just chose to ignore them when his days were good so that we could enjoy those days knowing that they might be all we got here.

The day he went to Heaven was the day he was set free from that awful lifestyle of disease. That day of healing was the one we looked forward to for his whole life. It should have been a day of celebration. All his suffering was finally over and he was forever made whole and set free. He got everything we wanted him to have. Everything we told him he would get. For us, in theory, this should have been a glorious day, but it wasn't. There was no celebrating on earth even though we knew he was finally healed. All we were left with was emptiness. He went on to a party we were not invited to. He went to a place we had never been. He was experiencing something we had not yet experienced. He felt so far away and it felt so unfair that we were not able to see or experience his final healing. I thought I would feel something, but all I felt was the weight of my sorrow. It was like that for months.

I have wondered ever since the day Samuel left, how it must have felt for him to be healed. What was it like? Did he believe me immediately when I told him these things on earth, or was he skeptical like Anna was about whether or not the food was really good. Did he understand immediately that he was forever healed or did he choose to enjoy it for awhile and pretend disease and pain just didn't exist until they showed up again? And when they didn't show up, did he ask Delma and Mac if he was going to get sick again and have no Mommy there or did he fully understand that "it" was over? Did Jesus Himself help him understand? I have asked God over and over since Samuel left to just give me a glimpse of Samuel's first day in Heaven. Who was there? What did he do? Was there a big party? I never received that glimpse.

I woke up early on Saturday and got out of bed to take Bush Woolly out to pee. Mark asked me if I was feeling better. I couldn't tell so told him I would let him know when I came back upstairs. I thought of Samuel, as I began to realize that I was not better. Did he walk around Heaven saying he would let them know if he was better or not after a little stroll? I let my dog out and sat on the couch thinking I was not much better than the day before. I thought for certain I would be better. How many more days of this? My mind kept drifting back to Samuel thinking he would never experience any of this again. I was happy for him and continued to try to imagine how it would feel to be in Heaven after all he endured here. As I sat there, I started to feel Samuel's presence. The same kind of presence I felt when I dreamed I was with him in the hospital last April and then back in September when I "caught" him in my doorway. Both of those times, I was sleeping and then awakened. But this time, I was fully awake downstairs. I thought I must be imagining it, so I got up and let my dog back in and headed back to bed. But his presence grew stronger and stronger as I went back upstairs. I could feel him everywhere, all over me, and on everything I touched and I knew I wasn't imagining it. I was overcome with his emotion, not my own, but his; like when he was on earth and I felt what he felt. It was a very familiar feeling in that I knew I was feeling him, but the emotions were especially intense. Pure joy. Bursting joy. Infectious. I felt physically better immediately. And peace but with excitement. Every good thing was in there and NO bad. Nothing. You would obviously assume nothing bad, but everything we shared on earth was laced with some kind of dread. This wasn't. It was a similar joy that he has left me with previously, but bigger and bursting with wonder, excitement, perhaps a little suspense. I asked myself, "Is this what he feels like everyday? It feels like.....Christmas, when you are a kid." And then another thought, "Heaven for him is like Christmas everyday."

When I was a child, Christmas at Delma's was full of surprises and wonder. Full of loved ones, good food and fun. Full of things to do, places to go, people to see. People don't have to work, and everybody is happy and nobody is sick. Everything is beautiful, people are singing about Jesus, everything is decorated to the 9's. Delma and Mac always put Christmas lights on their house. She had fresh flowers on her table. Everything you looked at was decorated. She had the manger scene on display and there were angels everywhere. There was candy and cookies galore which I always appreciated. The tree was beautiful, the food was delicious and she always had her extended family there. There were games to play, everyone brought their pets, everyone was smiling and hugging and kissing. Even my parents seemed to have a truce on that day. The candles were lit, there was always a song in your heart and everyone was apt to serve another. And we, the kids, were most cherished on that day. You did not want it to end. It was one of those days the devil wasn't allowed to touch and you knew it. Nothing bad ever happened at Delma's. I cannot say the same for Christmas at my Dad's parents house or even at our own. I grew up believing that Christmas was a Christian holiday so I was never quite certain why my Dad's parents even celebrated. Or my dad for that matter. None of them seemed to enjoy any of it. Christmas never seemed like work to Delma and Mac either and their house was welcoming to anyone who stopped by no matter who it was.

I don't have the words to fully describe to you the kind of joy and thrill Samuel shared with me, but the way I felt as a child on Christmas at Delma's is about as close as I can come as far as an earth experience goes. Samuel showed me that he feels like this every day. Not just him, but everyone in Heaven feels this joy and peace and surprise and suspense and love, and wonder, and I could go on and on and the words I can write will never ever be enough. Tears of joy seem to be the only way I can rely this even close to good enough. Once you experience it, you never want to let it go. I know I don't. And I am in luck because that joyous feeling hasn't left me but has grown stronger as I have begun to feel better. Saturday afternoon, my sickness moved up into my head and left me miserable for days but the feeling didn't leave. Just dulled a bit. Sunday, Mark had his first symptoms as well. And the days have passed since then and we have all taken turns taking care of each other and still the feeling hasn't left me. Today, it is very strong again. I can see how a person would leave this earth for Heaven and never ever look back at any worldly care here. People yes, stuff no. Samuel has everything we can hardly wrap our minds around, and more. What makes that joy more and more complete is when family members arrive in Heaven for the eternal reunion. Everything we are "working" for on this earth is in Heaven. That is most obvious to me and I hope it is to you too.

And I realize this morning, as I am on the verge of feeling back to normal physically, that my world has been significantly narrowed by this experience. Shortly after Samuel's joy showered me on Saturday morning, I was up going about my day and everything I touched that was a part of his "quality of life" seemed to say "Thank you" to me. All the herbals are still out on the counter just like they were when he was here, only now they are ours. I started to mix myself some medicine for the morning and I heard Samuel say "thank you." I opened the cupboard where still so many of this medicines are on the shelf and I heard "Thank you." I went to get into the tub and looked at the Epsom salt and, "Thank you." And that is how the day went. Everything that even remotely was part of Samuel's care, seemed to have his voice inside it telling me "thank you." That and his joy was just everywhere.

Samuel came to share with me this gigantic joy he has. I know that is because he loves me and probably has wanted me to experience this with him ever since the day he left. Perhaps my own human emotions stopped this from happening because my pain clouded me from feeling his joy. Perhaps, I had been asking the wrong question. I didn't really want to "see" his joy, but instead wanted to "feel" what he felt like I did when he was here. That is something I have missed so much. For whatever reason, that thought didn't occur to me to ask until I got sick last week and I didn't really ask God so much as I wondered and tried to imagine it for myself. That was when Samuel was allowed to "step in." And it strikes me that in the middle of sharing with me the joy he feels everyday, he thanked me again and again. He thanked me during the Christmas season in 2007 with the picture he drew me. That was a "Thanks for helping me get better." That was when he probably was tricked into thinking he was never going to be that sick again. We were all tricked into thinking that was the worst it was ever going to get. This latest thanks surrounded everything we used to help him get better, but ended up being things that failed in the end. Don't think I don't think about that each time I open the cabinet and see these things either. And yet, he thanked me for each and every thing I did even so. I don't think it was because these things failed and he went to Heaven, but because I never stopped trying. Because when he was here, nothing else was as important to me as helping him feel better and when everything in the medicine cabinet failed, I told him Jesus would not fail to rescue him. Jesus did not fail to heal him. Samuel's life in Heaven was everything I told him it would be, and more. I didn't know what that felt like on the day Samuel's body died, but I do now. It is like Christmas everyday.

This leaves me breathless yet I still want to tell you this. Drop everything else and serve God first. What's truly important in life will fall into order after that. There is nothing more important on earth OR in Heaven than relationships. When Samuel was with us on earth and we lived a "narrowed" life all the time, what was important in life was always very very clear to me. Now that he is in Heaven and we don't live with that degree of narrowing anymore, it is in times of sickness in this house when everyone slows down and helps each other, or we sit down and watch a movie together or just snuggle on the couch together, that we stop and remember again, what is most important. Love. I think God allows family sick time to remind us to regroup and rekindle our love. As we were watching movies together each trying to forget some physical annoyance, I reminded myself that it was often times like these that Samuel and I bonded most. Times when it was just about getting through an hour at a time that we clung to each other as if we were all we had. We didn't care about what was going on in the world or next door. We didn't care about goals for earthly accomplishments or popularity among peers. In those extreme moments when money failed, drugs failed, people outside our home failed, we knew that our love did not fail. It sustained us through everything. Even physical death. That love came from the Lord. In a very difficult time, that love made the real priorities in life very simple and clear. One day, that love will be all that matters again.

God is love. We are on earth to learn to love Him, to love others and share His love with them. You will take that love with you when you leave. Your reward in Heaven will come from the efforts you put into loving people on earth. Being with Him in Heaven is living in the ultimate most divine love with peace, surprise, joy, beauty, friends, family, and things I don't have words for. I just know I got a taste of it. Everything on earth pales in comparison to what I feel in my heart right now.

I Have to Share This...

When Samuel went to Heaven, I received numerous books on grieving. I have previously shared some of the insights from several books and while some parts were helpful, I found much of the contents made my grief worse. Mainly because there was no focus on God and eternity in much of what is published today. Without God, without the hope of eternity, I can understand how the loss of a child would be a devastation leading to desolation. There was one book, however that stands out as a gem. It doesn't focus on the grieving process or horrendous tragedies from which people never truly recover. The book is, "Within Heaven's Gates," By Rebecca Ruter Springer.

This is the account of Rebecca's "dream" (vision, visitation) of Heaven originally published in 1898. She was literally on her death bed, possibly comatose, and suddenly escorted to Heaven where she lives for quite some period of time. Since there is no "time" in Heaven, we are not told exactly how long in earth's time but she does eventually return to her earthly body long enough to publish her journey. This book was incredibly uplifting when I read it last summer. I literally devoured it in half a day with many breaks for tears of joy. I didn't know it at the time of reading, but I found a secret to coping with the grief of Samuel's relocation: being spiritually uplifted. This book literally took me to another place. A place I have gone to again and again with every supernatural experience I have had since Samuel's departure.

I eventually gifted it to a man with ALS so I haven't read it in awhile. It is my "book of choice" to give to someone who has recently lost a loved one because it paints a vivid, amazing and unexpected picture of what living in Heaven is like. I wouldn't even bother giving someone a book on grieving after reading this one. It is hard to be overwhelmed by sadness when you read it. It also opens your mind to the spiritual realm of being that we often feel is something only to be experienced by a "chosen few." That is not so and I have learned that more and more in the past year. The supernatural realm and experiences lift our spirits up to a place where earthly cares vanish. It allows us to experience the bigger picture. It has been those experiences that have kept me going more than anything else. Mainly because I never know what might happen with each new day and I love the treasure hunt searching for God behind every corner of my life. In those moments when Samuel shows up, that is just a bonus.

As I said, this book was first published in 1898 and then subsequently has been republished several times since under different titles. As I just gifted this book to a family, I was prompted to reread it. I found it on Google Books under the title, "My Dream of Heaven," and found it has several "lost" chapters in it that weren't part of "Within Heaven's Gates." Once again, I was mesmerized but most especially by the lost chapters. When most people read a book like this, you do so with a hint of skepticism and a ton of hope. When you hear stories of someone's "glimpse" of Heaven, or NDE where they went to Heaven, there is always a mix of intrigue, hope, and disbelief because it hasn't happened to you. My initial read through last year left me full of joy and hope but also a lot of questions. Questions I realized with my read through this last week, have been answerd. Minute details in this book that went over my head in the first read, I found I was nodding my head to in the second read because I had actually experienced them firsthand. This book has become even more real to me now.

I don't want to spoil this book for you if you choose to read it, but there is a lot of detail given to children who die early in life. One of the lost chapters has some detail about a family who lost their little son. They worried that he might not have anyone to "meet" him and care for him in Heaven and the story is told about his grandparents who raise him and teach him all about life in Heaven. They become the "guardians" until the parents join them. That one struck a chord. A young girl speaks of coming to Heaven very early in her life and the author remarks about how radiant she looked. The girl explained that that radiance comes from being with Jesus so much. That one struck a chord. There is a whole chapter devoted to the author meeting Jesus. There was detail about Heavenly residents taking journey's to Earth to "help" their loved ones. One child spoke about going back to the earth to "comfort" her mother but the mother's sorrow was so deep that the child could never get through to the mother. That struck a big chord in that I had to work through quite a bit of sorrow to be "open" enough to feel Samuel's presence and truly believe it was him. I think we fool ourselves in believing things are not possible when they are and we are missing a lot because of this illusion. There was talk of basking in the glory of the Lord in which you can hardly explain it, and don't care about anything else. That especially struck a chord because in the two instances where I have either felt or been with Samuel, the glory on him (which must come from being with Jesus) was so powerful that it envelops you for days. You can hardly explain it and you take hours to savor it all over again and commit it to memory. Mark's experience was similar in the feeling it left behind and he too said Samuel looked so good that he could hardly find the words to describe him. There is a lot of detail of Heavenly homes, things to do, places to go, people to see. Also, hobbies, jobs, earthly visits, etc. Tons about what people know about life down here and what they are not allowed to know. So many of these little details I skimmed over in the first read hoping they were in fact true, have become experience and heart knowledge in the past year. I realized again, how the Lord has opened my spiritual eyes to see more and more of His glory and how that has lifted me up out of the deepest heartache I have ever known. If you have read my accounts of all the supernatural experiences we have had since Samuel relocated, then you will also notice many similarities in this book. Things I read and thought were not possible "for me" actually happened "to me." And yet, this book was penned over a hundred years ago but as the Bible says, the Lord is the same yesterday, today and forever so we should not be surprised.

If that doesn't whet your appetite to check it out, I don't know what else to say. You can read most of it free here...... (Intra Muros) Jo Lynn, thank you for the link!

Amazon has several versions of it as well.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one, but most especially a child, get them a copy of this book. If that person is "not religious," or you are unsure, enclose some good scriptures and let God do the rest. This book is truly annointed. Good scriptures are Acts 2:22 He who calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. Romans 10:13 echos this. Romans 10:9-10 says that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.

Putting My Finger on It

The timing of Samuel's visit last Sunday baffled me. Don't get me wrong, feeling him so near me was nothing short of a huge blessing and has certainly been invigorating. God knows I needed that. But something is up and I couldn't put my finger on it. I confided this to my friend Sue the same day Samuel was here.

Back in April, when I was able to be with Samuel, that vision addressed something that was lingering in my spirit that had come to a head the night before. I knew when I saw him that he came to set me free to live and enjoy life without him. I have been free ever since.

Since I know that nothing God allows is random or with a surface intent but instead He is direct and with many layers of meaning, I am a little mixed on this visit. So I am basking in the glory with my eyes wide open for what lies ahead. Now perhaps Samuel here was a gift to me personally for seeking Him at more and more intimate levels. Perhaps it is a glimpse of a gift of more spiritual discernment which I will happily love. I don't know. But I do know God is not random. This wasn't random.

I sent Sue this yesterday......

Something is up......We went about our day as usual yesterday and the Samuel glory actually faded. By evening, I couldn't feel it at all. It was actually disappointing. This morning it is back even heavier than before, only with no Samuel sighting. He is all over me.
Something is up. Seems like a good thing.... I will keep you posted.

What I did not share with her was this; if I didn't know better, I would swear I was pregnant. Not because I feel bad but because I feel a great joy and also feel like I cannot wait for something..... It's the kind of joy you feel when you find out you are expecting or are very near your due date; I cannot tell which. I continue to 'sense' my baby, Samuel, all over around me, and his presence is stirring my spirit in expectation that I don't have long to wait now to see him again. I haven't been able to put my finger on it until today. I am not pregnant, but I am expecting. I didn't feel like this a week ago.

My visit with Samuel back in April mended my heart in ways I never thought possible and when I was allowed to be with him, it was only after reaching the utter bottom of despair...again. In our visit, as you might recall, Samuel woke me up so I could look out the hospital window with him. He said, "Daddy's coming." Except we were not looking down, we were looking up. I knew we were looking for God. The visitation revitalized me both from the despair of the past and the burden of how long I was going to have to wait to see Samuel again. In the visit, we were both looking up, as if the Lord was going to appear at any moment. Five months have passed since then.

Samuel's visit this last Sunday was not an answer to my sorrow or feeling like I was unable to go on. Other than that I had been sick, it seemed random. He is always near when I am sick, but not like that. Usually the lights flash, or I find something special, etc. The lights haven't flashed regularly for quite some time actually. Something else interesting was that Samuel was peeking through the cracked open door. He wasn't beside me, and no words or glimpses of flesh were given. I just knew he was standing in the hallway peeking in and like the visit in April, he was again, waking me up. Strangely, I have been woken up at all kinds of odd hours of the night in the last two weeks. That is odd for me because I sleep through nearly every night. I am not being awoken to worry or anything negative. I am just "up."

Yesterday's proverb was 7. I read through it several times throughout the day. What stuck out to me was the verse that says to bind the Lord's commands to your fingers. Here is the context. (v-1-3)

My son, keep my words, And treasure my commands within
you. Keep my commands and live, And my law as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; Write them on the tablet of your heart.

I don't know why but "fingers" really got me thinking. I get why we need the commands written into our hearts, but binding them to our fingers? Our fingers usually end up doing what is firmly embedded in our hearts, don't they? I have pondered it all night, because again, I was up at 3am for a time.

This morning, I read through Proverbs 8 still pondering 7. Read through Proverbs 8 and where the word wisdom occurs, insert "The Holy Spirit" and see if it doesn't read perfectly and perhaps give even more insight to you. The Holy Spirit IS the wisdom of God given to His children as a guarantee of our inheritance into His Kingdom. Ephesians 1:13-14 says In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory.

Early this morning, I opened an e-mail from our church reminding us about the Feast of Trumpets, or Yom Teruah. Our church realizes the significance of God's calendar and celebrates all the Feast Days as "dress rehearsals" for things that are yet to come. Over the last year, my family has keyed in on the significance of God's calendar and corresponding current events as well as prophecy yet to be fulfilled. Anyway, this appointed time is when the shofars are blown, sounding the alarm. "The King is Coming!" There is a series of trumps which culminate in a very long and loud 'last trump." The Biblical Calender puts us in the month of Elul which is considered the month of repentance and turning back to God in preparation for His arrival.....some year soon. After Yom Teruah, the books in Heaven are opened and judgement takes place. Ten days later on Yom Kippur, the books are closed and judgement is meted out. I opened the church website and found they have embedded a new video on it of the last solar eclipse. I watched it without reading the comments above and near the end of the video, I saw something I wasn't looking for. I saw the "signet ring." Not just any signet, but God's. It is a Star of David signet. That is when I knew what "fingers" means. A signet is a mark of the reining King. It's imprint was used by Kings to mark decrees as law and to show ownership. Esther 8:8 says You yourselves write a decree concerning the Jews, as you please, in the king’s name, and seal it with the king’s signet ring; for whatever is written in the king’s name and sealed with the king’s signet ring no one can revoke.” The signet ring was also given as a pledge. The priestly garments made in Exodus 39 included the plate of the holy crown of pure gold, and wrote on it an inscription like the engraving of a signet: HOLINESS TO THE LORD. (v-30) Do you know that the Holy Spirit is our signet ring? The Holy Spirit sets us aside as Holy to the Lord? Our promise that WE belong to God? Our pledge that He will return for us? When we bind His commands to our fingers, we do it through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit of promise. The Holy Spirit is our helper and we are to yield to it. A lot of times yielding to the Spirit directly affects the works of our hands. The Holy Spirit is Wisdom spoken of in Proverbs 8, not to mention all over the Bible. Proverbs 8: 35-36 says 35 For whoever finds me finds life, And obtains favor from the LORD; But he who sins against me wrongs his own soul; All those who hate me love death.” If the Holy Spirit tells you to do something, or not to do something and you choose not to listen, you know that wrong deep in your soul. Listening to the Holy Spirit brings joy and life. Blaspheming the Holy Spirit is the unforgivable sin which leads to death.

We are in the last days of the Jewish year 5769. Each Hebrew letter has a corresponding picture meaning as well as numerical value. I have known for quite some time that this year has been symbolized by the Shepard's staff and a signet ring. Seeing the signet in the eclipse reawakened me to the Biblical significance of it and especially to "fingers" because as soon as I saw the ring, I couldn't help but point my finger right into the middle of it. Then I thought of the Wedding Supper of the Lamb.

After seeing that, I had to look up the meaning of Jewish year 5770 which begins September 19. I just about fell out of my chair when this year was called "pregnant with great meaning" by more than a few scholars. I found a shocking yet exciting blog that shares quite a bit of Biblical insight and Bible Code. That was just one of many. You would have to be living 1,000 feet underground to not look at the condition of the world and KNOW something is up. Everyone seems to be waiting for something to happen and some even seem to be hoping it will speed up and just happen already. Some seem to be hastening it along.

Eschatology buffs know that birth pangs and labor are words that signify the events of the "last days." Even the Jews who don't accept Jesus as Messiah feel the pregnant expectation of "something is about to happen." Even the heathen who reject Christ feel something in the air. Wake up! Discern the times we are living in. If you lack discernment, ask God for Wisdom. Seek Him diligently and you will find Him.

As I suspected, Samuel's visit wasn't random. It has left me with a heightened sense of awareness, great joy and expectation. Samuel was peeking through the door. I know that isn't random either. God is standing at the door and the door is cracked open enough that He will soon come through to take what He purchased with the blood of Christ. The King is coming! Whether that be sooner than we thought, or we still have a few years, is for Him to know and us to find out. A few years to Him is nothing if a thousand years is like a day. Jesus tells us to not be so wrapped up in worldly things that we cannot discern the times. Remember that He only comes as a "Thief in the Night" to those who aren't looking for His arrival. I am looking. I am absolutely pregnant with expectation of what is yet to come. I finally put my finger on why I feel this way! I know why Samuel was here....he cannot wait either. God feels very close. I wonder if you feel a sense of expectation too.

Some of the closing lines of Proverbs 8 fit nicely here.

“ Now therefore, listen to me, my children, For blessed are those
who keep my ways. Hear instruction and be wise, And do not
disdain it. Blessed is the man who listens to me, Watching daily at my gates, Waiting at the posts of my doors.

I leave this information for you to draw your own conclusions, draw upon your Widsom, and let the Lord speak to your heart.