Samuel's Kisses

Samuel went to Heaven three days before Mother's Day, 2008.  I remember briefly thinking, "at least it wasn't ON Mother's Day," as if that was of any consolation.  It wasn't like so many other "holidays" weren't ruined over his years anyway, what's another one.   At some point down the line, I realized that in 2011, this year, today, his Heavenly Birthday and Mother's Day would be one in the same.  Three years later, the dates collide.

Curiosity made me look forward on the calendar to see then the next collision of dates would occur.  That'd be 2016, five years from today also the eighth year of his relocation.   Yesterday, I was led to look backward on the calendar to see when a date collision had occurred while Samuel was still living.  It was 2005, three years before he left us.  Anyone seeing these number patterns?  There are 3's, 5's and 8's again.  Some of you might remember this post about the numerology "message" God led me to shortly after Samuel left.   The number 3 refers to what is solid, real, substantial, complete and entire. In Scripture, 3 denotes Divine Perfection or Completeness.   5 is the number of grace and divine strength given to man. Words in Hebrew that only occur five times in the Bible are gift, innocence, gladness, to sing, rest, certainty, and the Comforter or Advocate which refers to the Holy Spirit.   The number 8 in the Bible signifies a new beginning, the divine connection between the natural and supernatural, divine destiny.  For most of this year, I have been half-heartedly trying to figure out what significance God must have had in mind for this date collision. It's painful, to be certain. Yet I know Him well enough to know that if He allows us to suffer, there is something He wants us to learn, something He wants us to know, or something He wants us to find.


I decided to look back at the journal to what I wrote on Mother's Day, May 8, 2005, and to see what we were doing at that time.  I was rejoicing in the miracle of Samuel's living while journaling a play by play of the events that occurred in the year prior.   Interestingly enough, I did not journal on 5/8/06 because I had a cold/virus of some sort and felt awful.  As I write this, I'm battling yet another cold that just came on last night.  I journaled on 5/4 and 5/9/06 and when I read these words, I came completely undone.

We went in (to the hospital) on a Tuesday.  He got Vincristine on a Wednesday.  He was miserable all week, and rarely talked.  Everyone told us that with pneumonia, it hurt too much to talk.  I accepted that.  He did not want to be held.  Again, everyone told me that he would be really sore, I accepted that too.  I spent Mother's Day with my Mother at the hospital.  Mark stayed home with the kids.  Samuel had had a rough week.  The following Monday after Mother's Day, Samuel woke me up at 5am asking for kisses.  It seemed strange but I was so happy to hear him talk and ask for kisses that I gave him lots of kisses.  He held my face and kissed me five or six times.  After that, he was mostly silent for almost three months.  That was the last affection he showed me.


The day after Mother's Day, he held my face and kissed me five or six times, and after that, everything went downhill.  He stopped communicating and his body had everything go wrong short of dying.  May was a VERY bad month for Samuel.  Nearly everything bad that happened, that set him up for death, happened in May.  What has me undone is the fact that an angel had to have woke him up and whispered to him to kiss his Mama goodbye early that morning in 2004 just as one had to have done in 2008.  At the time, I didn't know that his love in those moments was to cover three months of him being in a vegetative state.  It wasn't until a year later that I realized the significance of those kisses and even then I didn't get it.  Not really.  I do now and only because it was at 5:30am, this very morning, three years ago, that he woke me up, gave me kisses, blew raspberry kisses to Mark, gave me the biggest strongest hug I have ever received, held our hands and went to live with Jesus.  An angel had to have, again, whispered into his ear.  And in both instances, he did not, with his mouth, say goodbye.  

This parting will not last forever, just as the one in 2004 did not last forever.  Both are bitter silences, with a few rays of light here and there.  In 2004, there was the brief occasion where Samuel spoke something quickly before retreating back to himself.  And in the last three years, there have been occasions where he has broken the silence as well. 

Samuel woke us up on 7/31/2004 speaking real words after 80 days of near silence and utter despair over not knowing if he had significant brain damage.  On that day, our sorrows departed and joy unspeakable filled us.  Our boy came back to us.  Our boy was given back to us and we rejoiced and thanked the Lord for it and I still do.   That day marked a positive turning point for all of us.  Hope emerged strongly on that day.

And now, today, our boy waits for us to be given to him.  What I wouldn't give to hear him call my name.  What I wouldn't give to have him hold my face and give me kisses; kisses of greeting, and not parting.  This remembrance of Samuel's parting kisses is my gift of encouragement this Mother's Day. It reminds me that this is not forever even though there are times when it feels like forever.  It reminds me also that even though he is mostly silent, and feels so far away, he's still with us just as he was in 2004.  He's waiting on God's timing just as we are.   Looking at the dates and the numerology reminds me that God's hands are always holding us and He is always good, full of blessings and surprises. He does nothing without purpose and nothing is ever random.  And this pain of waiting - I've bore it before.  It's still excruciating at times, but I am assured that joy will come and when it does come, nothing and NO ONE can ever steal it again.    And on that day, there will be joy unspeakable and we will rejoice and thank God for it for eternity.

I thank God every day that I was chosen to be Samuel's mother.  Mother's Day, for me, is a day of thanksgiving to the One who blessed me with four little ones of my own.
Happy Mother's Day!

Oobi

When I was typing out the post entitled "It's Never Easy to Say Goodbye," I typed that I haven't "heard" from Samuel lately but knew he was fine but still wished I could get an update from Heaven anyway......then I deleted it.  I believe I know why he hasn't been as near to me, or more accurately, why I do not perceive him as being near; it's because there have been many other issues of life that occupy my thoughts and time that there hasn't been room to dwell on his absence.  Still little similarities here and there to life lived with Samuel always brings sadness back with a piercing vengeance.  I decided long ago that I will not feel guilty for NOT dwelling on missing him and I don't; but I do recognize the all too familiar pain of him being gone when it resurfaces and I try to push past it.  Hence why I chose to delete what I originally wrote.

Well, not so fast...... 

He read it, he saw me delete it, he felt my sadness and he "updated" me.

I wanted to write this yesterday, the morning after it happened, but my children thought the flu would be a nice detour from school this week so I've been busy.  And thankfully, Samuel's gut taught me extremely well how to deal with and get rid of any GI upset including the flu which seems to spread like wildfire.  But again, not so fast, this flu responds well to Lugol's Iodine, which if you don't have some on hand, you should get some immediately.  While the kids all got sick, Mark and I have not...yet. (knock on wood)

Back to Saturday night after I wrote the above mentioned post.  Anna was the only one sick that night but as usual, when I am expecting someone to be sick in the night, I never sleep well.  About 11:30pm after I'd been in bed at least two hours but tossed and turned most of that time, I was awakened by what I thought at first was loud music.  I listened a little longer and then it sounded like someone playing a very loud video game.  I was instantly annoyed and somebody was going to be in trouble.  Most likely Daniel.  I listened a little longer hoping he'd turn it off and for a moment all went silent.  Then on it went again.  So, I got up, opened my bedroom door and realized immediately that nothing was on upstairs where all the kids were supposed to be sleeping.  I also knew right away that the TV downstairs which I distinctly remembered was at a normal volume before I turned it OFF was the culprit.  You remember, the TV that we believe Samuel plays with?  The one which turns itself on and off, changes channels, and turns the volume up and down whenever "he" feels like it.  Or, maybe it's just defective but at any rate, the timing never seems coincidental. 

I walked downstairs and the TV was blaring loud and as I rounded the corner.   I yelled, "Who's in here?"  Nobody answered because nobody was in there.  But, it took me less than a second to note that the show on the blasted TV was Oobi. 
Oobi is the show that Samuel used to beg me to stay up until 11pm to watch with him because it's not on during the day. He loved it and when he felt good enough to want to stay up to watch it, we did.  Each and every time he asked.

Yes, if you haven't seen it, it's hands dressed up like faces. A brother and sister who are taken care of by their very patient and loving grandfather. At the time of our viewing, It was very much one of those annoying preschool shows and he was keeping me up late to see it when he was nearly six. I'd joke that he was too old for this baby show.   "Oobi?  Really?  You want to stay up til 11:00 to watch Oobi the baby show?"  He'd just smile and giggle, pleased as ever about that prospect.    When Samuel liked something, he liked it and he didn't care what anyone thought.   That's a quality I really miss in a child.  He was never a follower, always a leader.

Staying up to watch this show when I would have rather been sleeping is one of those things I have always looked back on and thought that I was so glad I did for him.  You have to remember that sleep was a highly valued commodity back then.  Yet today this is something we still talk about saying, "remember all those nights where I stayed up to let him watch Oobi?  I am so glad I did that."   We usually got to bed around 9pm here so you might understand that it was a real treat for him to be able to stay up to see it. Especially when I made everyone else go to bed and he would go to each person's room to tuck them in for the night including Mark, all the while tickled pink to have this quiet time, just him and I, to watch this show.  When he was a baby, before cancer was ever a thought, he used to stay up very late with me.  That was back when I used to sew orders long into the night.  He was content to be wherever I was no matter the time.  He wasn't calling it a night until I did.  All sleep was to him was time he was wasting when he could be up spending it with me....unless of course we were co-sleeping which was often the only way I could get him to go to bed.  I don't regret that either.

So in longing for an "update" from Samuel in Heaven, I got it in a most undeniable way.  I have previously been shown as well as felt very strongly that my own grandfather is looking after Samuel in Heaven. In watching just a portion of this show Saturday night, Oobi's grandpa reminded me of my own. I thought back to all those nights where I stayed up late watching this "mindless" entertainment with Samuel simply because it made him happy. And now it makes me happy and seems a lot less mindless because I know God used it to bring me this message as well as another confirmation that my grandfather is taking care of Samuel (along with Delma I am sure but he always had a special way with little kids).    And of course also, yet another confirmation that He and Samuel both hear my heart and read what I write, even when it's deleted.   What an amazing early birthday gift and just like Samuel to use something like Oobi, which I scoffed at to bring me a message, knowing it would get my attention and make me laugh.  I'll add this to my list of things I want to ask him when I see him in Heaven, "Oobi?  Really?"  And he'll just smile and laugh, pleased as ever for being so clever.  That's my boy.

Day Eight - Ode to Sleep

Babies are eight days old today.

They are supposed to be spending their first couple weeks as follows:
90% sleeping and 10% eating.

Sounds simple enough, right?  Mama should be able to easily handle this?  Not so.  At least not yet.  Turns out, canine babies need a human Mommy as well.

For a couple days after Bear noticed Javier was missing, she lost interest in doing much with her remaining babies but the bare minimum which was to nurse them.  I became their Mommy during that time.  These little ones needed someone to snuggle and love them while their own Mama grieved.  I understand that feeling well and so it was second nature to just step in.    As a result, there hasn't been much sleep for me in over a week and a few of those nights, I was up with the babies just about all night.  Either one couldn't latch on or another stole their tit, one seemed to have a tummy ache while another cried because they didn't get enough milk, one had to pee but was exhausted and needed to be held and cuddled in order to pee and finally sleep while another was seemingly crawling in circles looking for something unknown.  Just when I thought everyone was going to finally sleep, we'd start all over again.  Bear was the only one who slept through those nights.  I'm glad she didn't have 8 babies or shall I say, that "I" don't have 8 babies.

During the day, the kids are great helpers in keeping the babies who are the smallest on the fullest tits, holding the ones who are feeling sad and making sure everyone has in fact peed. Each baby has either tripled their birth weight already or is very close to doing so. They have eaten so much that we have had two nights where it seemed as if Bear ran out of milk for them. Very frustrating. As you know, milk production can be stimulated in humans and the same is true for dogs so I'm on it. Bear has been very finicky since Javier died so I am quite literally spoon feeding her while she is nursing her babies to be assured that every one's nutritional needs are being met. 

For the record, I have many volunteers to take the night shift but either they have to go to work, or be coherent for school so I have told them it's best for them to sleep.    The vet asked me if this was my first litter to which I answered that it was my first "as an adult."  She mentioned something about new breeders not realizing how much work is involved in raising the puppies to which I answered that this "work" paled in comparison to the "work" of trying to save a dying human baby.  It's all about perspective. Samuel's life still shines the lamp of perspective on most every situation that requires "work."   And this "work" is temporary.  This era will be over soon.  By the one month mark, the pups will be a lot more independent and all these sleepless nights will be a bittersweet memory.  I think I am going to end up with four little fuzzy dogs who think I am their Mommy though.

Staying up several nights in a row reminds me of staying up with Samuel.   I have a lot of time to ponder those nights again especially when those all too familiar coping mechanisms resurface.   That horrible feeling I'd get upon climbing into bed for the night knowing I wasn't going to sleep is back.  The part of my brain that won't allow my body to go to sleep because it is just so much harder to get up if you sleep- that has kicked in again so I toss and turn when I could actually be sleeping.  The situation may be different but the way I react to it is the same.  After a long night, I can hardly think straight during the day and as a result, a lot of tasks have had to slide or have someone else take them on.  I told Mark I don't know how I ever managed to function and function well during Samuel's time here.   I guess I just got used to it.  "Life or death" is a great motivator. 

 I've made my bed downstairs on the couch in the same room where I slept with Samuel for the first six months of his life. 

The "Back Room" as it has been dubbed, is the room Samuel always played in when he felt good.  A lot of fun was had here.  I used to sew in this room while he played, drew pictures or watched TV right next to me.   It has also previously been our bedroom which we shared with both Samuel and Anna, as well as a family room/office/playroom when we first moved in.

I guess we've come full circle with a new twist.  This room is back to the family room/office/playroom but it's never looked this good.    New paint, new floor, and Mark built in this desk for the kids.   We finally got the new window in; it had only been sitting in the backyard for about ten years but what's the rush? 

We did a little Samuel theme; the wall paints are called "Copper Mountain" and "Mystic Forest" which remind me of Land Before Time.  Yes, they are in fact burnt orange and teal.  He would love this.  The floor is a snap-together creamy faux tile with flecks of teal and gold in it.  We hung some of his drawings, some of our favorite pictures of him, the giant dino picture Kaysha made him for his 5th birthday, and of course, most of his dinos are also in here.  Anna's toys are all here as well and there is room for everyone to sit together and watch a movie or just hang out.  It's very warm and inviting and also very different than any other room in the house.  We love how it's turned out.  It's ended up being the perfect puppy room as well.

Notice Bushalee is getting closer to the babies...

We hoped Samuel would come visit more often now that we've mostly finished "his" room but actually, he's been coming around for quite awhile.  Up to two nights back, some of the most interesting occurrences were with the TV.  The kids used to spend the night with Mark's parents one weekend night per week and during that time, no one used this room.  That means lights out, TV off, etc.  Well, one morning after we had just arrived home from the store, I walked by this room and caught the TV on out of the corner of my eye.  At first, I thought the kids forgot to turn it off but then I quickly remembered that they weren't even home.  I asked Mark if he turned it on and he obviously did not.  So that was one time.  Since then, the TV will occasionally just switch itself on and off when the kids are in there.  We just say, "Hi Samuel," when this happens.  I have actually been waiting for the TV to just come on while I am sleeping in this room but it hasn't.  However, two nights ago while I was laying on the couch contemplating no sleep and then Samuel, the light right above my head (that you see on in this picture) switched on.  It's a touch lamp but no one was there to touch it.  I told everyone the next day that Samuel came and turned on the light and they then tried everything possible to get this light to come on without touching it with their hands.  Nothing else worked.  Only one conclusion can be made: Samuel.

I guess he came to see the puppies.  Maybe he brought Javier?  When it happened, I told him that I wished I could see him but it was nice that he was there nonetheless.  He always lets me know he is close when my heart hurts on his account.  He still makes me smile and laugh with his antics.

Another interesting thing that has happened is to this picture he drew me.

The dino was originally colored with a purple marker and the purple has changed to silver.  The colors of this picture now resemble the necklace that was made for me a couple years back.  The dino was done in silver with Jesus in copper.   The picture is framed and has been hung in the back room for years.  The back room did not previously have a window which could somehow sun bleach this until the last couple months.  I noticed the color change before we did the window.  None of the other colors changed, just the purple is now silver like my necklace. We have several other pictures up in here and none of them have changed at all.  Just this one.  I find that very interesting and clever......

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On to the babies.....

Panda and Diego love each other.  I often find them together.

Top to bottom:
Brutus, Asterith, Panda and Diego

Close up of Asterith.  She is rapidly changing colors.  She was born black but is getting tons of chocolate brown hair on her back and head while she also has a lot of gold and while underneath.  I think we don't know what color she will be when she grows up.  Havanese tend to be chameleons at times.

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  My head hit the pillow last night and I actually don't remember anything else after that.  I just passed out.  I woke up at 10:30pm after going to bed around 9pm and the babies were just fine.  Bear was sleeping on the floor next to me though, not with them.  I put her back with them and like Zombies, they smell her and just start crawling her direction noses sniffing away.  Soon they are all eating quietly and I think I can actually go back to bed and sleep and so I do.  At 2am, I wake again and Bear needs water so I get up to do that and back to bed til 4:30am when I hear someone sounding like they are drowning.  It's Panda who must have inhaled milk instead of sucking it.  She has many nicknames so far and they all have to do with her eating habits.  We sometimes call her The Snooty Cow and Miss Piggy. 

I hope last night is an omen for a little more rest but if not, I can deal.  Until then, Ode to Sleep.

Love Without LImits

When you know "It's" coming, it's a blessing and a curse. I am talking about death ..... when you know it's coming. Two years ago this week, we knew "it" was coming and watched as time ticked away faster than we ever thought possible. We knew "it" was near, we wanted "it" to go away but "it" didn't. We never knew if each today was THE day. We didn't know how much time was left or if any of that time would be quality time because of pain and sorrow. When you know "it" is coming, your heart is always in the pit of your stomach.

There are things you instinctively do when you know "it" is coming. Things you will eventually be glad you had time for because you knew "it" was coming. Things other people do not need to teach you. And yet strangely enough, there were people who thought they should advise us about what we should be doing for Samuel when we knew "it" was coming. (Note: none of these people had personally experienced "it" before but apparently they thought they were experts.) These people obviously did not realize where Samuel was going whether they said they did or not. Their actions told me they believed death was the final destination. They were appalled that we didn't celebrate his birthday, as if giving him a bunch of gifts he could not take with him would have impressed him. As if us eating cake and ice cream that he could not eat or enjoy would have pleased him. They thought we needed to take him somewhere special one last time, as if we could somehow outdo what God had in store for him in Heaven. They thought they should barge into our lives to usurp moments of Samuel's last days here--as if what happened in his last days here was all about them or would somehow affect them more moving forward than it would us. The audacity of these people still amazes me to this day.

The only thing that matters when you know "it" is coming are the most intimate impartations of love. Period. That's all you have to keep you going. My hope is that you would not need someone to tell you this but given what I have just shared above, obviously some people are confused on this subject. These people tried to burden me with guilt over these worldly things that they thought I was stealing from Samuel or them in his final days here. That gave me a clear picture of their priorities and made it that much easier for our family to close the doors to unnecessary outsiders during Samuel's last days here. You might find it interesting that I have never heard from any of these "helpful" people since. I can only assume they survived.

There is only one thing that transcends into Heaven from this Earth and that is love. Even though I know Samuel was surrounded by love for all his life, I cannot help but think back to his last days and ask myself if I told him "I love you" enough. I know I told him I loved him more often that I could count. Was it enough? It's one thing to tell him in my mind as I do every day, but it's totally different to say it and get a response. As I was pondering the "did I tell him I loved him enough times" question, I was reminded of the day I asked him if he knew how much I loved him and he gave me an answer which comforts me to this day.

Now mind you, this wasn't the first time I asked him this exact question. I asked it enough times in those last weeks that he always gave me the same answer in his best "you've asked me this a hundred times" tone......"Yes, Mom, a whole buttload." I don't actually know how much a buttload is, or why that word was even chosen other than everything in his life revolved around his butt. And for the majority of his life, he earned his nickname "Pooper." However, two days before he went to Heaven, when I asked him this question as he was laying on the couch with no shirt on, he arched his back, opened his arms as wide as they would go, and with the sweetest expression he told me, "Mama, I will ALWAYS know how much you love me." Then he blew kisses in the air and wrapped those arms around me tightly. I will never forget that. Ever. He knew "it" was coming and that I needed more than the buttload answer at that point

He woke up at 2am on this very morning two years ago and spent a good deal of time telling me how much he loved me. There were more hugs and kisses in this week than quite possibly any other week in Samuel's life knowing that these were going to be the last days we would be able to touch each other for who knows how long. Words are often never enough when "it" parts you just as there are never enough hugs and kisses to cover the time in which you are separated. I think I might always wonder if I did enough. It's amazing how quickly your arms ache. There were promises made for our Heavenly future together and promises made for the between time. There were many tears on my part; tears which served to improve my vision making those last love-filled days beautiful even in the midst of the intense sorrow. Tears I shed a little every day for a boy whose love had no limits. It was two nights before he went to Heaven that the Lord allowed me to understand that Samuel chose to stay with us and endure the life he had for as long as he did because he loved us so much.

Over the last few days, I have been asking God for some new revelation about this time two years ago. Was there anything I missed? Any glimmering diamond yet to be found? Was there anything left unspoken? Enough time has passed and enough house cleaning has transpired that I don't find "new" Samuel things here anymore. It seems like all his lost treasures have been found. All the pictures have been taken, all the movies have been viewed, all the words I wrote about him living on earth have been written. "It's" over. "It's" been over for everyone but us here in this house for quite some time. The only way "it" will ever be over for me is when I am reunited with Samuel again for eternity. The only remedy for "it" is him and with great thanks to Jesus, Samuel is never far from my spirit. While my arms still ache for him to be with me, I am always comforted when I am made aware that he's around.


I was longing for something from God for my heart this week so I started directly asking Him for it on Friday. I didn't know what the something should be; an insight, a new perspective, or a word fitly spoken directly to my heart. Just something.

Last night, I got the something. I wasn't looking for it, or shall I say, I wasn't listening for it because I was sewing. A song I forgot even existed came on and after I caught the chorus, it would not leave me alone. I stopped what I was doing to catch the lyrics to see if this was really the something and as I listened, I was pretty sure it was. The Lord confirmed it for me this morning when the song still would not leave me alone prompting me to reread parts of the journal from these days for further confirmation. This song mimics the very intimate conversation Samuel and I had two years ago this morning at 2am as well as throughout this week as if it was written specifically for us.

"I'll Still Love You More"
Ask me how much you mean to me
And I wouldn't even know where to start
Ask if this love runs deep in me
And you won't find a deeper love in any heart
You could say you couldn't live one day without me
You could say all of your thoughts are about me
You could think no other love could be as strong
But you'd be wrong
You'd be wrong

Ask me just what I'd do for you
And I'll tell you I would do anything
Ask if this heart beats true for you
And I'll show you a truer heart could never be
You could say there's not a star that you won't bring me
You could say there'll be no day that you won't need me
You could think no other love could last as long
But you'd be wrong
You'd be wrong

And for every kiss, I'll kiss you back a hundred times
And for everything you do, I'll just do more
And for all the love you give, I'll give you so much back you'll see
Got so much love for you inside.

If you say that you love me
More than anybody
Than anyone's ever been loved before
As much as you love me
Baby, I'll still love you
Baby, I'll still love you more
I'll still love you more


This was precisely what I needed to hear for this exact week. I cannot even explain to you all the thoughts running through my head that this speaks to. Only that it does. Samuel always loved without limits, and he still does regardless of "it." I am so blessed.

The Hardest Lessons Part Two

• Moments of peace and safety on this earth are just that: moments. They never last. True peace and safety only last in the presence of God because that is where they originate. That's why Heaven is called Heaven and Earth is nowhere even close.
• There is no limit to the evil that currently dominates this earth. You will see things you never thought you'd see. You may have to do things you never dreamed you'd do. You might think thoughts that astonish even you. You may have to make decisions that feel like they're choices between jumping off a cliff or slitting your throat. You might think you've seen the worst of the worst and then the unthinkable overtakes you. The unthinkable CAN and probably will happen to you ESPECIALLY if you claim the Name of Jesus. Then what? The devil wants your soul and he will do anything to get you to "curse God and die." Die here is in the eternal sense. There are a lot of "dead" people walking around the earth already. The devil leaves them alone as they pose no threat; he already owns their souls.
• Each day your heart beats on this earth, you are either being prepared, purified and sanctified for an eternity with God, or you are being lied to, corrupted, defiled and reserved for Hell. The choice of which is fully in your hands.

These days "between births" have been a time of reflection. I retract what I said about Samuel perhaps not being aware of the anniversaries or dates because I have been showered with signs from him over the last week. While most have moved on from his ordeal and it seems as if his life has been largely forgotten, he knows I have not forgotten and neither has he. On his birthday, one of his signs to me was the song "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" which was his first ever favorite song as a baby and the last song playing when he left me. This was the song that always took him to "his own land" and soothed him even in the midst of turmoil. This is the song that he went to Heaven listening to so talk about going to "another land." I used to sing it to him whenever he needed comforting and I am not at all surprised that he found a way to play it for me on his special day. That is just the way he is. He always tried his best to make me feel better when he was here too.

Two years ago, these were the most difficult gut-wrenching yet precious last days of his life here. My last memories of him in my care. My last memories of the strength he had while his heart was still beating here. I wish there had been some better way to say good-bye instead of that hideousness he suffered through and then I think he would have never left me if it had been bearable. What kind of a life would he be living if he were still with us today? He proved that he could endure and endure and endure and I believe our love kept him alive many times when he should have died. The devil proved that he was never going to just let Samuel live in peace and safety here. Life here for Samuel would always include immeasurable suffering. That is not how I wanted him to grow up. That is not how I envisioned his childhood playing out on the day he was born. I will never forget our conversations during these last days.

"Baby, you've got to go to Heaven. It's not fair for you to live like this."

"But Mama, I will miss you."

"Baby, you will be able to see me every day. And you will be able to eat, and you will be able to play, and you'll have lots of friends, and Delma and Mac, and you won't hurt, and you won't poop and you will be happy. You will be so happy that you'll never want to come back here. Baby, you will never hurt again. Not ever. And no nose tube, and no port, and no more medicine and no more doctors and no more nurses. You'll be able to live there even better than you have ever been able to live here."

"Can I take my Sara?"

"No, but I am sure you will have a real Sara. And a whole bunch of dinos too. Everyone will be waiting for you."

We had this same conversation for days and sometimes he agreed he should go and sometimes he did not. It all depended on how effective the pain killers were. In the moments when they actually helped, he was for sure staying. In the moments when they failed, he was definitely leaving.

The special things Samuel has done for me in the last week only serve to remind me what I already know but still need to remind myself of daily to keep all these events and memories in perspective.

Don't put too much emphasis on the here and now. "This," whatever this currently is, is only temporary.

We need to keep our minds always fixed on the eternal so that we can get through these uncertain days that are still ahead. Troubled times are most certainly upon the world as a whole and seem to be escalating daily. The Bible clearly says this will happen so we are not surprised. The devil is working double duty trying to get God's people to "curse God and die," or at the very least, to "fall away from God." While some people choose to walk away from God based on some horrific tragedy they couldn't believe happened to them, others have given away their eternal future over the most trivial of things. I am reminded of Esau who sold his birthright, the highly coveted blessings from God that passed down through his father, to Jacob in exchange for a meal. Esau was a person who lived in the moment. At that moment, he was starving claiming that he was going to die if he didn't eat. Jacob, trickster that he was, told Esau he would only feed him if he sold his birthright. Maybe he first said it as a joke not seriously thinking Esau would take him up on this ridiculous offer, but when he actually agreed, Jacob made him swear to it. And it came to pass. When Esau eventually realized what he had done, it could not be undone no matter how much he begged, pleaded or cried. Was Esau thinking of eternity when he sold his birthright? Obviously not.

If a person can lose all their worldly possessions in a tragic hour, how much emphasis should we put on our things and passion for acquiring them? Amos 2:7 speaks of people who "pant after the dust of the earth." That verse really nails covetousness and I love the imagery. If a person rejects God because of loss of worldly possessions, which life is more important to them? This one, or eternity? Likewise, we also hold our loved ones in high regard as God commands and yet in one vile second, even they can be taken from us. If we reject God over the loss of a loved one, which life are we choosing? The here and now or the eternal? While Esau's example seems so pathetic and perhaps even a bit trivial, it reminds us that the choices we make when we live in the moment, no matter how awful that moment is or isn't, can still cost us everything in the end if we make them carelessly.

This begs the question; what can you hold on to in this life? Answer; the promises of God. That's it. We control nothing. All we own is dust. WE are dust. Everything we see is temporary. Everything we feel is temporary. Everything we do is temporary. Everything can change in an instant. The only constant is the Lord. If you do not know Him, or more importantly, if He does not know you, you have nothing; in this life or the next one.

Delighted

The Lord blesses me every day with something new. I have learned to wake up looking for His treasures. There is always something cool that He does just for me. I say "me" because usually the treasures are for me personally and nobody else would even notice them. God is so very very intimate and personal . Yet, there are times when His treasure for my sake is enjoyed by all of my family. This weekend was one of those times.

Something everyone has enjoyed lately is occasionally eating out. Somehow this is still a novelty. Going back to the days of hospital trips, hospital food, drive-thrus on the way to some awful place, or take-out on the way home, we just never went in to a place to eat because we were always in a hurry. We still have to remind the kids how to behave in a restaurant because it is rather foreign still. Anyway, well before Thanksgiving, Mark and I decided to eat in at a little teriyaki place we have frequented a lot over the past ten years but mainly as take-out. Mark works at five different locations within a 50 mile radius from our house and says that this particular place has the best teriyaki. A Korean family owns and operates it and they speak English with a thick accent that can make them difficult to understand at times, especially on the phone. One of the daughters came to the table to take our order and when she spoke, I noticed two things immediately. One, she had no accent; if I had called, I would have thought she was Caucasian. And two, her voice sounded exactly like Samuel's GI. I asked Mark if he noticed. He noticed she had no accent but did not notice the vocal similarity.

Both of us loved Samuel's GI. She was a definite stand out for us because she actually cared about Samuel, had empathy for everything we endured, believed in what we were trying to do and defended our cause even among her own colleagues on several occasions. She was the only MD we had who I could trust in all things. It is unfortunate that a MD like this is such a rarity. Our experience with the medical "professionals" was that the more credentials they had, the less humanity they held on to; instead you got big egos, little compassion, and no common sense. Samuel's GI did not fall into this trap. I remind myself that when you go against the grain, as we did, not many people go with you. This lady did. We still talk about her. I e-mail her to say hello occasionally but obviously, our lives do not intersect anymore so I haven't seen her since summer of 2008. I remember the receptionist blocking out large slots of our appointments with her at her request just so we could visit so I will assume the admiration was mutual. Of all the people I might miss, I do miss seeing her. Different circles.

So, when this lady at the teriyaki place had the same voice, I just wanted to sit there and listen to her talk. Hearing her made me happy. Luckily, Mark is used to my insanity. He also understands the way I see people, recognize people and remember people is not the way you might. Since my vision sucks, I subconsciously find other ways of "seeing" people. I have excellent voice recognition. I also pay close attention to wording, tone of voice and mannerisms. I have occasionally had people tell me they had a hard time getting used to the fact that I never looked at them when we were talking. My answer was that I don't have to look at you to hear what you are saying. I don't make eye contact because unless you are in my personal space, I cannot. So, I don't bother. This has been mistaken for rudeness a time or two, you can probably understand why. I do. People with good vision mainly depend on what their eyes tell them and make judgements and assumptions based on that. Those judgements and assumptions are not always accurate.

On the 4th of July in 2008 my mom was here and Mark had his friend and friend's girlfriend over at the same time. I knew Mark's friend but had never met his girlfriend. After they left, my mom commented on the girl's expensive clothes and various other cosmetic items that I never noticed and quite frankly, the info was not necessary or helpful for me to determine if I might like her or want to re invite her to visit my house again. Instead, I listened intently to what she said, how she said it and watched to see if her body language matched. Somehow I memorize that for future use. I don't know what she wore other than jeans and a shirt. I don't know how much her shoes cost, or what kind of jewelry she wore. Her hair is long, wavy and nearly black. She wears it pulled off her face which has light skin tone. She is slender but not anorexic. I don't know what color her eyes are or how much make-up she wore. I don't care. I liked her. She was very personable and kind to my children. I like people who are easy to talk to and who enjoy laughing. She fit the bill. She and Mark's friend are married today and I enjoy when we all get together.

So, back to the restaurant again,, this lady, makes many trips to our table and I just enjoy hearing her voice. I also notice that she has a lot of the same mannerisms as Samuel's GI as well. I can tell that she is very kind in the way she interacts with people while we are there. I mostly cannot see her interact, I just hear her. We returned the next weekend and she was there again so I told Mark to be sure we sit on the side she is working on. He humors me of course and she is an excellent server. Very attentive. Everything we thank her for is "Her pleasure."

The night before Thanksgiving, we took all the kids in. We told them about this lady prior to going and after we arrived, we realized she wasn't working. The food was still great but I was a little disappointed she wasn't there and so were the kids. Mark jokingly told me that the next time we see her, that I should say, "What's your name? I like your voice. Can I have a hug?" We all laughed. I am sure she will totally understand..........

We went another time after that with the kids and she still wasn't there. I told Mark I wanted to find out her name so I could call next time to see if she was working (I'm sure no one will think I am a stalker at all) and then we noticed nobody working had name tags on. Two weekends ago, Mark and I went in for dinner and she was there again. She recognizes us now. Service continues to get better and better and it's a pretty busy place. Most of the time, she doesn't write down your order, she just remembers it and they always come exactly right. I asked Mark if there is any way I can ask her name that will not sound rude or like a stalker and he said there probably was not. So I asked him why I could not say, "What's your name? I like your voice. Can I have a hug?" After all, it was his idea. No? Apparently not. Okay. Our receipt doesn't have her name on it either. It just says Clerk #1. That's helpful.

So, we go in this last Saturday night with all the kids. As soon as we walk in the door, Mark says, "She's working." He knows that makes me happy. The place is really empty and she comes right over recognizing us immediately and makes mention that we brought our whole family this time. Kaysha noticed her voice sounded very American vs. Korean but no one hears Samuel's GI's voice in hers. Mark still doesn't. If I never said anything, he would have never noticed. This lady is really friendly now or maybe we are just good tippers? She scootches in the booth right next to Anna and Kaysha to take our order just like she is family. So I ask Mark again if he can think of any way to ask her name and the next thing I know I hear him say, "My wife would like to know your name." She didn't think this was strange at all and happily tells us her name is Sara then asks us what our names are.

Now this might seem blah blah blah to you, but there wasn't one person at the table who did not get the symbolism of the name Sara. "Sara" is the name of Samuel's beloved duck. Of all the names he could have chosen for his most special friend, he chose Sara. Hers was a name he never changed. Sara the duck went everywhere with Samuel when he was here and I promised him I would always take care of Sara before he left. She sleeps on my bed and we take her with us on special trips. As a result, the name Sara has become very special to us. When we hear Sara, we think Samuel. There will probably be a granddaughter one day named Sara.

I wasn't expecting her name to be Sara. I was expecting something Korean I guess. I had to bite my lip to keep from saying, "Oh my gosh!" I was reminded again how intimately God knows me and that Samuel is never far from me. Could His treasure be any plainer? Here is another Samuel practical joke Heaven style. I am sure he laughed as soon as we finally got her name. As if "Sara" was the punch line. Nobody missed it. We all noticed. As she walked away I said, "She's a Sara. Of all the names she could have...." It was funny and fun and all the kids thought she was super sweet. Exactly like a Sara should be.

We found out that Sara only works Saturday's because she teaches Special Ed for middle school during the week. Appears my read of her being a very kind person wasn't too far off the mark. Special Ed requires a very compassionate teacher to be certain. I say that from experience. When my brother and I first started to go to school, we were in Special Ed for the first couple years obviously because of of vision. My parents were not certain that we could thrive in a regular classroom. We soon proved that we could and from first grade up, I was in a normal class setting.

As we left, everyone waved good-bye to Sara and the girls made certain to yell, "Bye Sara," very loudly. Next time we go, Anna will probably run up and hug her because that is the kind of girl Anna is. Sara will be treated like a celebrity when we come in and she will probably never know quite why. Enjoy the simple pleasures and teach your kids to do the same.

I have noticed that there are times when God specifically puts people into my life who are simply there to make me smile, reminisce and remind me that He is all- knowing, all the time. When these people remind me of a loved one who is no longer part of my life here it's like God saying, "I know you miss them being a part of your life but here is another of my precious children whom I think you will be delighted."

Trust me, I was delighted. We all were.

Conversations in the Heart

Over the last couple weeks, I have been editing video in an effort to preserve every last Samuel gem I can find. Video was never my favorite mode of saving memories so there are only a few hours of Samuel's lifetime captured. Of course now, I am kicking myself in the butt because there isn't more video and at the same time I am so thankful we have what we have. I have been telling Mark, "We are so lucky to have this." Some of the stills I have taken from video take my breath away because he is so beautiful. Taking the photos apart from the video, you would never believe his body was destroying itself.


I have also edited out many sound bytes which I added to Samuel's Site as well as to my computer. Every computer sound is now Samuel's voice. When I told Mark I was planning to put Samuel's voice on the computer, he told me if I did, it would break his heart. Thankfully as he watched me find and edit out Samuel's words, his heart was fine. When my e-mail arrives, instead of "You've got mail," Samuel says, "Look Mom!" It's so cool. It also freaked out the neighbors when they first heard it because they thought someone was standing behind them, which was pretty funny. His voice sounds incredibly real when it bursts out of the speakers. I realized how much we have missed his voice around here and most especially the way he articulated things.


I tend to favor the still pictures from his life because they show his spirit true. When you add sound, context and movement back, it takes away from his spirit. For example, I watch the video and see my beautiful boy so burdened by his physical body. I see the way he walked so frail like an old man at times. I see him trying so hard not to let it get him down. I see and hear the heartbreak Mark and I shared the entire time. Samuel was better at hiding reality than we were. In the earlier video, say from 2004-2006, it is not as obvious if you didn't live it. But in the 2007 video, the sorrow is all over us. We tried to carry the sorrow for Samuel but it is apparent by 2007 that he was not only burdened by his body but also burdened by what his body was doing to us. He was still trying so hard to be happy, to make the best of things, but I can tell you very plainly that it was an effort on his part by that time.


Mark and I watched these videos back in January and I didn't even make it a minute before I was sobbing as I watched him smile. I viewed it with much sadness because that life was the best he got here and it stung deeply. Those recorded memories and many more unrecorded ones were all we had to cling to. The stab of physical death only served to put the final unnecessary blow on the videos. At that time, I didn't have a revelation of what Samuel was like in Heaven and even though I was aware that his body and spirit were two separate entities, and that he was forever healed and free, I had no concept of what that really meant, looked like or felt like. Everyone writes that their child is forever healed and free when they die from some horrible disease but it's only head knowledge. For many, it remains head knowledge and their heart never seems to move beyond that first week after physical death even many years later. Watching your child die is certainly something you don't easily recover from to be certain. It changes you in ways that can never be articulated in words. Just as when you feel them come alive inside your body when you are pregnant cannot be accurately explained unless you have experienced it, neither can feeling them take their last breath or feeling their heart stop. As beautiful as feeling the unborn move inside you is, the opposite ugliness is feeling your living child's body die in your arms. It's beyond hideous -- because we only see one side of it. I asked the Lord for over a year to show me the other side; the side Samuel lived on. He didn't show me but instead, allowed me to feel what it felt like which made a bigger impression than anything I might see since I don't trust my eyes all that much.



When I started previewing the video looking for Samuel's one-liners, I started from 2007 and worked my way back knowing that by the time I reached the video of him before the age of two, he says very little. Well, unless you count, quacks, barks, purrs, snorts and laughing. He had his own language and it wasn't English. He seemed to just know he was the entertainment so he always hammed it up for the camera. The funny thing is that it always seemed like he and I had all these conversations even back then. Yet, he never really talked until after he was diagnosed. I remember Mark commenting when we were in the hospital in that first week that Samuel was finally starting to talk and the words he said were perfect English, as if he had been talking for years. We were like, "Wow!"



Samuel and I always understood each other without spoken words. We had conversations between our hearts without the head knowledge to recognize it at the time. Mark and I do this often as well. Things between Samuel and I now are a lot like they were when he was a baby; we don't need words, only the Holy Spirit as interpreter and teacher. Occasionally, Samuel is even allowed to visit which only serves to impress upon my heart whatever the message was in a most undeniable way. In the months between the January viewing of the video and these last couple weeks, I realize that my head knowledge about Samuel being healed and free is now heart knowledge that has taken root very deeply. I can easily identify and separate the physical limitations his body put on him; the parts of his life that are from the curse that is on the earth from his beautiful perfect spirit. I am very much aware of the freedom he now enjoys because he shed that body and I am happy that he no longer has to live like he did here. I asked Mark the other day if he can even imagine what it will be like to live carefree with Samuel. He cannot because we never did here. But, when Samuel is allowed to share something with me for even a brief second, the joy is more than overwhelming. I get a small taste of what it will be like and I cannot wait. Because of this, it was easy to grab his pictures and happy words from the video without tears because I know which parts of his life on earth were left here and which parts he took. Somehow, this heart knowledge is something he knew and shared before he left. One day when he saw that I was quietly crying as I helped him limp to the bathroom while carrying his IV pack he told me that he was sorry and then changed his sentence to "My body is sorry, Mama." I knew then that he had learned something we hadn't yet fully understood. Something it has taken me this last full year to really comprehend.


Samuel never cried as we did when we all knew he was living out his last days here. I always wondered about that. I was glad at the time that I did not have to wipe his tears as well as my own but it was a curious thing nonetheless. I have learned something about that this past year too. In the few instances I have been physically ill over the last year, unlike in years when Samuel was here, I was able to rest and focus on myself vs. run myself ragged taking care of others. It felt so foreign and was a nice change. In those times when my focus was on myself because I didn't have anything pressing to take care of, or just could not get out of bed, it was then that I heard God most clearly. It was then that He taught me so much about life here and life in Heaven too. But back in November when we were all sick with the flu (probably Swine Flu but no one was oinking), I had an entirely different experience. One I think Samuel must have had in those last days. I felt love and peace and some very amazing presences around me. Like they were right beside me. The cares I had for this world and even my own sick body were minimal. Not only was Samuel near me, but so were Delma and Mac. I felt like they were going to walk through the door any minute. Since Delma and Mac went to Heaven, I have never ever felt them near me like that. Little Delma things here and there but never like she was right around the corner, or within my grasp. I was afraid to speak of the feeling because it might go away. It did go away after I got better. There was a place in the middle of it though were I almost did not want to get better because I wanted them to stay. It was absolutely amazing to feel them near. I asked myself at some point in the midst of it, "Is this what Samuel felt when he was dying?" If so, I know why he never cried. I know why he understood so fully that his body was not his true identity in Christ. I know why he knew that he had nothing to be sorry for and nothing to worry about in leaving this earth. I also know why he was excited to go to Heaven yet clinging to us. He was thinking about us being left behind. When I felt Delma, Mac and Samuel's presence, I so wanted to be with them for eternity and yet I knew I could not leave my family here without me. I believe that part of what took Samuel so long to agree to leave his body here for good was a conversation between him and God about what would happen to his family here.



I believe that God allowed me to experience this back in November to answer many of my questions concerning Samuel's last days here. Ones I hadn't actually asked in many many months. Because of it, I know that if I or any of my loved ones who belong to God are ever in a bad physical state, or near death, that we will be surrounded by many loved ones and we will feel them intimately. I know that when we leave this earth, we will be most happy to do so knowing that our loved ones left behind are not all that far away after all. While death here is a tragedy, for those who go to Heaven, it is a triumph and a great victory. I think Samuel was allowed to see or feel the "other side" before he ever left his body here. I am pretty certain he was dreaming of being in Heaven on those last days here and the peace that I have found through this experience is beyond measure and words.



After Samuel went to Heaven, someone sent me a note that "God had a plan for Samuel in Heaven now." I remember thinking that God's plans for us are on earth. When we get to Heaven, God rewards us. We don't "work." We just enjoy. I figured Samuel was up there playing and would never look back. His job was done here. We were left to pick up the pieces and try to go on after that misery while life was a party for him. Our two worlds were now separate. Well, I was wrong and the person who sent me this note probably didn't realize how right they were. Being Samuel's mother and watching the way he lived his life on earth taught me a lot about what God can do if you allow Him to. Having tragedy after tragedy finally steal him from my arms was the ultimate insult that has forever cut loose any desires I might have had for this or in this world. Before this year, I had head knowledge about this scripture passage which speaks to how we should live on earth. (Colossians 3:1-4) Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all His glory. Today this scripture is how I live my life. It is deeply rooted into my heart. I live life here and try to filter it with an eternal perspective. Will such and such really matter in eternity? That question really changes the way you choose to live day to day. Last year ended with the Lord giving me new perspectives on Samuel's lifetime here and simply getting those revelations changed a lot of my perceptions about what we are allowed to know about Heaven. The Lord and I literally had conversations during that time where I asked and He answered and not an audible word was spoken. We conversed at the speed of thought and those conversations took root deeply into my heart. That was a first for me. A first of many. Our day to day conversations do not always revolve around Samuel however. The revelations about Samuel or from him have only come at certain times usually when I am not expecting them at all. But every day I hear the Lord answer me; I will ask a question in my mind that somehow pertains to Him and He will answer. Those little conversations keep my life on earth in check with Him because I know that if I ask something and don't hear the answer, I have gotten too far away from Him and need to back up. I don't ever ever want to be in a place where I don't hear Him everyday again. That is frightening.



I realized from the day Samuel left us til now that a lot of what we think about God is wrong. We have been educated with Earth logic which is foolishness to God. Let God be true and every man a liar (Romans 3:4). That scripture will get you a long way in learning to be taught by Him vs. the world. When I really took hold of Ephesians 2 which teaches that when we become part of God's family, we are seated with Christ in Heaven, that is when my head knowledge of what I thought was true stepped aside and allowed God to teach me all the things that are true from His perspective over the past year. We limit ourselves so much with the junk of the earth. The more I have realized this, the harder I have tried to break free of those bonds to live closer to the joy I have only experienced from God. Samuel is part of this. The things I have learned are things I would have never learned if not for Samuel's life and love on earth Things I could not share with you if not for Samuel's life here. Samuel has drawn me closer to God than any other single human being I have ever known. What does that say about God's plan for his life? What an amazing child of God he is! I count myself the luckiest mom on earth every day because of Samuel. I am a better mom every day to my children on earth because of Samuel. And a better wife. I am blessed coming in and will be blessed when I leave here. Amazing, amazing, amazing!


My eyes are drawn to Samuel's eyes as I watch the videos. The picture that is now the header for the blog just takes my breath away. On video, this picture is him looking at me while we are having a little conversation. You would never know by looking at his face that the leukemia is back. You would never know that his butt was hurting and he was limping. You would never know that he was trying so hard to not be grumpy...for me. When I see his shining face in this picture,, I don't see any of those things. I see his eyes looking at me. I see his spirit shining through in spite of it all. I feel his love. I am thankful beyond measure to God for allowing all these little conversations between all of our hearts to get me to the point I am at today. I look forward to many many more of them in this new year.

May you be blessed this year and give God the glory for it! Happy New Year!

A Precious Time

You might be wondering where Mark was in these pictures. He was at work. We have been taking a small school break to just play all day, or it would seem that way anyway. The kids are very excited for Christmas as they always are and as far as being ready goes, we have everything done. All we have left to do is enjoy the season.

Mark and I enjoyed choosing gifts for each child this season. We spent quite a few hours looking through stores to find just the right thing. We stopped often to look at dinosaurs. There are so many cool ones out these days. They make us smile as we chase each other around with one that growls, snarls and tries to bite you. We were goofing around in one store which is pretty much our normal anyway but an employee told us she was sorry she didn't have a web cam to put us on YouTube. Ha. We talk about what Samuel would think of each toy we see with his name all over it. Yet, my heart is happy knowing that it's Christmas everyday where he lives. I don't have to buy him things with the hope that he will be entertained enough by the toy that he forgets his troubles for awhile. I am fully aware that he is fantastic and doing amazing things I can only dream of for now. It's Samuel, I know whatever he is doing will be fun. I also know he cannot wait to show me. Still,it is the greatest exercise in patience I have ever experienced just to wait to be with him again. Things are today, as I said they would be many years ago; I know where he is and he knows where I am. I know he is well taken care of and I don't have to worry about him. Doesn't mean I don't miss him obviously but even that has dramatically changed.

Last year, things were much different here. My heart was heavy. All of our hearts were heavy without our precious boy here with us. It has taken so long to get used to him not being here day in day out and yet it seems we have done just that. But I know it is much more than simply getting used to things. Last year at this time, I had yet to experience Samuel's tangible presence. The Lord was only just beginning to reveal so many truths about Samuel's life to me at this time. There was a lot to take in and it took literally months to process and lay down. No more what ifs or I wishes. Making peace with the past was the first step. But even that wasn't enough to lift the burdens I was carrying. In February, God allowed Samuel to visit his Dad long enough to tell him "it's okay" and let him see that Samuel is now a big strong radiant boy. And that gave me some more peace but quite frankly, it wasn't my experience so the peace didn't last long. In April, I really hit bottom. I had made peace with the past but that still did not ease the loneliness I lived with. Samuel was one of my best friend's ever. I was truly spoiled to have both him and his dad as best friends at the same time. When he was suddenly gone and Mark went back to work, the days were as blank as ever right up until Mark came home. That was when the day seemed to start for me. I felt terrible for my other kids because that feeling really spoke of my lesser relationships with them. It has taken me some time to understand the kind of bond I had with Samuel vs. the other kids. Samuel wasn't going to be with us for very long. God obviously knew that. I didn't. All I did know was the intimacy we had immediately after he was born that seemed to grow exponentially each day. I wasn't going to get a "lifetime" with Samuel as perhaps I will have with the other kids. We incorporated a lifetime of love into his short life here. It was so anti climatic to live without it. Awful. On that day in April, the sorrow of knowing that I would never experience Samuel's love on earth again sunk so deeply into me that I wasn't sure I would ever be happy again. It was then that God allowed Samuel to be with me in a very tangible way and it was that experience that lifted the burden of loneliness nearly completely. That experience helped me realize that nothing has changed. Those few moments I was with him were some of the most incredible moments I have ever experienced on earth. His spirit and love blanketed mine for weeks if not months after that. That was certainly a turning point. When the anniversary of his physical death came and went, my spirit rose above it because my last experience with him then was just weeks before when he was very very much alive. More alive then than ever on this earth.

The summer came and went and our family had many happy times. Over the last year, my relationship with each child has begun to blossom in ways I thought impossible because of my loneliness for Samuel. I am starting to see little qualities of Samuel that I loved in each child come out and I feel like I am finally getting to know each child a lot more intimately. Mark and I both realize that Samuel was such an awesome child because of all the one on one time we spent with him. Doing the same with each of my other children is having the same effect. Time well spent! My days are filled with joy and laughter again. Especially with Daniel who is starting to pick up and carry on some of Samuel's humor.

September arrived and Samuel was allowed to visit me again, only this time I didn't see him, just felt him. But he was here nonetheless. He cannot hide the glorious joy he implants into my spirit. And then again in November, I felt him again only this time it was when I was up and fully awake vs. barely awake. How could this be? I really wondered how on earth I could be so blessed to have felt him here so very much over this past year.

Interestingly enough, the healing in my heart that has taken place because of this defies any earthly logic. I feel as if Samuel never died. He just left and couldn't take his body because he got a new one. A body worthy of his glorious spirit. The body he had certainly was not worthy of it. Because I have experienced his presence so much this past year, I know that God has more than made up for everything that happened to him on earth. God allowing me to feel Samuel has also bridged the gap of loneliness I feel for him. God knows he was one of my best friends. Today, I do not dwell on the tragedies and think "poor Samuel" because I know he is anything BUT poor now. And Samuel being Samuel, he has made certain that I am certain of all these things and know he is happy. Even more than that; he made sure I know that he is still Samuel. The Samuel we knew when he was free of pain and suffering. Last year all I could think about was how when I saw him again, I was going to apologize for ever allowing that chemo in that first month. I don't know what I would have done in it's place but I certainly feel ill when I think about the poison ruining his body. Today, I know I don't have to apologize. All of that is not relevant anymore because he thanked me for helping him no matter what the outcome. He knows we always did what we thought was best. Last year I wasn't certain of this. This year I am. On the glorious day I see him again for eternity, I can guarantee you we won't be talking about the past......period. I will be waiting for him to escort me all around the land and I think we will probably be running, singing and laughing.

When I look back on his life here, I do so with a sense of accomplishment knowing we did everything we could do to give him some quality of life here. When it became obvious that his body wasn't going to sustain him, we helped him to embrace going to Heaven. It wasn't easy as you well know but there comes a point when you have to ask yourself what you are trying to save your child from. I knew I wanted to save Samuel from suffering and if that meant he had to move to Heaven, we would accept that. Putting that down on paper and living it out are two different things and it has taken me about 18 months to work what I knew in my heart all out into real life. He is in good hands there.

I am also well aware of how sensitive Samuel is to my spirit. I was aware of this last year but it is so much more clear to me now. That continues to amaze me because when his body died, the bond we shared felt broken. I realize now that it was my own sorrow that suffocated any attempt he might have made to show me it wasn't. Last year at this time, God helped me get into a place spiritually where I could feel that our bond is still as strong as ever - just different. As I have learned to be more sensitive to God's voice, apparently, I have also become more sensitive to Samuel's spirit.

Samuel's Video is one of my favorite shows currently. Funny, after it was mostly done, I found myself wondering when he ever found time to be sick. That was amazing in itself because I fully remember him being sick and yet the Lord has gently softened those memories and allowed the good times to rise above the bad. God also lets me experience the future by allowing Samuel to be near occasionally. I remember being so afraid that the awful memories would haunt me for the rest of my life, but they don't. I remember writing sometime last year Psalm 37:4 which says Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

I didn't know what my heart could desire that was on this earth so I wasn't sure how He would deliver his promise here. Thankfully, the desire of my heart wasn't limited to earth. He knew I desired to somehow feel Samuel, talk to Samuel, be with Samuel, something. He delivered easily a hundredfold over anything I ever thought possible here. Another thing I am especially aware of is that when I am physically ill, Samuel is very very near. That is very comforting.

I have found that doing little Samuel projects like the video is very fulfilling to my spirit as well. I asked God what Samuel thought of his video shortly after I posted it on the Mom and Me site. It took me awhile to get the answer but only because it came in a way I wasn't expecting. I separated Samuel's Site from the Mom and Me site back in 2006 for a variety of reasons but mainly because it was too hard to update with so many pages. When I changed hosting last May, that left Samuel's Site in limbo and I haven't been able to do any editing ever since which is why I placed the video on the Mom and Me site. After Samuel went to Heaven, the business slowed down extremely noticeably. That was fine because I didn't want to work it anyway. It has really never picked up since. I am certain because of the economy however after I asked God what Samuel thought of his video suddenly business has picked up considerably. So much so that I have been quite busy since I put up the video. The customers aren't even watching the video so I know the two things are not correlated because of that. It's just that I put "Samuel" back on the Mom and Me site and whatever life he brought to it in the past has been revived again. Either that or he just really liked his video. I know he liked how it ends. Pretty interesting! One day we will laugh about all these little things and I can just hear him saying, "Boy it took you so long to figure that out."

Since making the video, I realized that I can do something for Samuel "for Christmas." I just have to be a little more creative than going to a store and buying something. As it just so happens, I received some amazing software for Christmas and in playing around with it, I got motivated to get Samuel's Site out of limbo. It is a work in progress to get everything moved over and re-organized but I am enjoying it.

As the year winds down, I realize and appreciate that I am living in a precious time right now. Over the past year, God has been piecing my life back together in amazing and unmistakable ways. He has been knitting my family together in a beautiful fashion that has yet to be completed. We are in a good place. We have a lot of peace and quiet and for that I am thankful. I have learned not to take these kinds of days for granted.

Merry Christmas all! May the love and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ find you and fill you.

Overwhelmed

I knew that when the Lord showed me it was time to put Samuel's life story into book form, that He had some things to show and teach me. I looked forward to the "treasure hunt." Well, I have been absolutely overwhelmed. I have been making notes, doing intense Bible studies and searches, asking Him questions and listening with my heart. The things He has shown me can not easily be understood with the human brain.


I am so thankful that I journaled all the good memories. Somewhere deep down I guess my heart always knew that those moments would have to sustain me. While my head hoped that wasn't true, my fingers recorded each blessed moment as if it might have been the last. The first thing that has overwhelmed me, again, no big surprise, was the love. Samuel's love. The amazing bond we shared. As I was reading through the history, I found so many "favorite parts." Places I wrote he hugged and kissed me a thousand times a day. Same to Anna. Things he said that defied his age of understanding. His faith in "me" amazed me. There are many instances I can recall but one I just read echos in my mind.


Back in 2004, when we agreed to resume spinal tap chemo, our Onc wanted to do a bunch of tests to be sure the chemo was exiting his brain in a reasonable amount of time, but not too fast. We agreed to do the tap, check the level of chemo in the CSF after four hours and then again the next day. To do this, they would "tap" the shunt. or, insert a needle into his shunt. All without sedation. They basically poke a needle into his head, ever so slowly draw out the CSF, and expect him to lie incredibly still the whole time because you cannot simply take CSF like blood. You have to let the pressure in the ventricles actually push it out. It can take several minutes to get a sample. Samuel was 2.5 at the time so we were pretty nervous about him being still for this without being traumatized. I have previously shared how the second tap went in a blog this past spring which was just as "amazing" but I forgot about this one.

9/25/04

When it was finally time for his shunt to be tapped we took him back to the exam room and the NP came in. I could tell she did not want to hurt Samuel and once she realized how afraid he was, she went out of the room to get everything ready so he would not have to watch. We layed him on the table on his side so she could feel where the shunt was. Samuel told us he was scared again. He was crying. He was tired. It was a very long day. I asked him if he wanted me to sing Twinkle Twinkle and he said yes. So I began to sing and he appeared to go to sleep. I figured he was about to be rudely awakened by the NP putting a needle into his head but he did not even flinch. A few minutes into the tap, I stopped singing because I thought he was asleep and he immediately noticed and said "Star" which is my cue to sing more. He laid perfectly still the whole time. When she was done, we got him up and he started crying again. It was strange and kind of magical at the same time to be able to sing to him and have him relax so deeply that he did not even notice the needle.

The second tap I shared earlier this year happened the following morning in the ER. We had the very same experience except that Samuel was not laying this time, but sitting. The Resident MD who knew Samuel well, was concerned that we were not having sedation and wanted to get help to hold Samuel still. Like the day before, once Samuel knew they were going to do something to him, he started to cry. I gently held his hands and started singing Twinkle Twinkle and he was once again, mesmerized. I nodded to the MD to proceed and he did so skeptically. Samuel never noticed the needle inserted into his head and the sample was easily obtained. As soon as the needle was out and I stopped singing, Samuel was back to crying about the MD being in the room. As soon as we left, he was happy.

There was something about that song. When it played on his music box it was very soothing to him but when I sang it to him, it had an amazing power to bring him peace and an escape from fear. I can hear him say, "Star" just as plain as day. There were so many amazing moments!

It has been an easy process to skim over the meaningless details in the journal. Like making the photo album excluding the sad or sick photos was easy. This difference with the book, however, is that it doesn't matter which ugly details are left out, it doesn't change the past and Samuel's life still ends the same way. I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about what the tone of the book should be. Death is rarely seen as victorious especially when a person has fought so hard to resist it. The death of a child is often defies wording to describe the heartbreak. The loss is earth shattering. We think of what might have been but never will be. Their lives are cut short. They will never do, see, go, be........fill in the blank and it's so unfair. Many many people stopped reading the updates long ago for these very reasons.

I had the brilliant idea to ask God what Samuel thinks about his life being cut short. Does he walk around Heaven with a wish list for Earth? Does he feel cheated and robbed of life here? Are there things he wishes he could have done here? I wanted to know what he really thought, not what I think he should think or hope he would think. A few days back, I asked God in my nightly prayers to give me an answer so I will know how to deal with this. I woke up the next morning and the first thought to enter my mind was my answer. John 10:10, Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but I come so that you may have life, and that you may have life more abundantly."


I knew that was my answer. I knew it came directly from Samuel. This was a scripture that God impressed upon me in 2004 when it appeared that Samuel's life had been stolen from him. I prayed it over him every day. Even when I wasn't certain if he could understand my words, I would suggest scriptures to him to think in his mind. This was one of them. It wasn't until many months later that he showed us he never missed a beat during those horrendous months. I recorded in the journal sometime that fall that I told him that Jesus is always with him and he got really happy, hugged me and said, "Yeah, Mama, Jesus!" We clung to that scripture throughout his life and since he has went to Heaven, it hasn't even entered my thoughts until this particular morning.


I had my own ideas of what abundant life should mean or not mean. It did not mean lying comatose in a bed for the rest of your life. It did not mean being ruled by fear or cancer. It did not mean being at someone else's mercy. It did not mean constant pain and suffering. I think you get my drift. Abundant life meant having a life. A life free of these things. A long healthy life. In 2004, I prayed the scripture promises that seemed to apply to the knowledge I had at that time. Isaiah 55:11 says that God's Word will not return void so praying scripture over a situation is very powerful. If you want the devil to notice you, just pray scripture. Anyway, I always believed the Word of God worked but given my definition of abundant life, it would appear that it didn't. I chalked it up to "user error" when Samuel died. I assumed "I" did something wrong and left it at that.


Being reminded of that exact scripture and how I felt after Samuel died coupled with being a much more "mature" Christian, I knew that I was probably slightly off on the intended meaning of this verse. So I began to search it out. I fully understand that God is most concerned with the condition of our hearts and where we will spend eternity. I am also aware that His ways are higher than ours so I started to look at this scripture from that standpoint. He started showing me all sorts of places to look and once again, I am overwhelmed by His answers and even more at Samuel's love and wisdom.


God's abundance does not mean material things. Things that we cannot take when we die are meaningless to Him. I found this very insightful. Luke 16:15b What the world honors is an abomination to God. The context here was love of money and gaining material things but I think it can be used much more broadly. I truly believe that we will get to Heaven and be "set straight" about things we thought He approved of on earth but hated. Things we thought were important, but weren't in the light of eternity. God knows material things don't satisfy the spirit. If they did, there would be no covetousness problem. This is no great revelation thus far.

We are then talking about spiritual abundance and our relationship with Him. The spirit is to grow abundant in "fruit." Galatians 5:22-23 says the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These things do translate into Heaven. An abundant life in God's eyes is one that is meaningful, purposeful, joyful, full of love, hopeful and eternal with Him because Jesus is the center of it. This kind of life fulfills the soul. Having spiritual fruit doesn't mean we don't make mistakes, get into trouble, have tribulation, get sick, or have big mountains to overcome. It does mean that He will be with us every step of the way no matter where or what the circumstance. 2 Corinthians 4:8 says We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. We also have assurance from Him that when our life comes to an end on earth, we will be with Him in Heaven. It is a win-win no matter the circumstances. To live is Christ and to die is gain (Philippians 1:21).

I realized in my study that an abundant life does not translate into a long life. Samuel had every fruit of the Spirit in abundance. His life had a divine purpose and meaning; all I have to do is read the letters that I received after his death to understand that. He never lost his joy in spite of the circumstances. Samuel was divine love and one of the greatest loves of my life. I would interject that my life had it's highest call and purpose when I was taking care of him. He never lost sight of hope and in the end, he had an amazing understanding of eternity and chose that over suffering. There are people who go 80-90 years on this earth and never grasp all these things. There are people who waste their whole lives on the pursuit of the garbage of this world never finding true joy or love. Not Samuel.

Samuel is telling me that his life was complete. He doesn't have an earth wish list. His spirit is full. He received everything he needed from this life to enter Heaven in 6 years and 17 days all under this roof, never needing anyone else but his family. That was an awesome revelation to me and has brought me to tears for days on end just thinking of it. Samuel has no regrets. Samuel also reminds me that he hasn't forgotten the things I said or taught him to pray when I was never certain if he truly understood. That scripture I prayed over him and taught him to pray was powerful and answered. That Word did not return void as I once suspected. I did not somehow screw up his abundant life. Being a more "mature" Christian, I must give you the entire context of Isaiah 55:11 So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. That "disclaimer" must be there for people like me who thought they understood what the verse they were given to pray was set to do, but obviously did not. Of course, I would have preferred that Samuel was healed and lived a long life, but my heart is sustained and bursting with joy knowing that Samuel says his life was fulfilled in every way with what matters most to his soul in God's Kingdom. That is simply overwhelming! And so I have the "tone" for Samuel's book straight from him. Memories like how singing Twinkle Twinkle took him to a place of divine peace in a scary situation are a good place to start. Powerful love like that is not soon to be forgotten. Taking a step back from that, it is still overwhelming to think I can simply ask God what Samuel thinks and get an answer. Our connection grows stronger and stronger each day it seems. His body might have died, but he is most certainly more alive now than he ever was on earth.

Psalm 37:4 says Delight yourself also in the LORD,And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Sometime last year I posted this verse on the blog saying I wasn't sure what the desires of my heart were. I figured God knew so I set about to delight myself in Him. Doing that wasn't difficult when He kept leading me to treasure after treasure. Well, now I know what my heart's desire was. To feel connected to Samuel. Back then, I didn't think it was possible. It is most definitely possible. God is so overwhelmingly awesome! My heart is full.