Where I Am At - 2011

My Dad always had a thing for junk old vehicles and it seemed the uglier it was, the more he liked it.  None of us (Mom, sister, brother) ever understood it.  Sometime in my late teens, he owned a Datsun wagon similar to this. 

He always told us what a great car it was and how much he loved it.  He said that every time he drove it, he felt like he should open the window and throw money on the ground for all the people less fortunate than him.  We thought he was absolutely nuts.  A tan (got to be the most ugly car color ever) station wagon?  Felt like you were in a pop can (or rat trap) when you rode in it.  A four speed (read gutless).  We thought he should take all the money he wanted to throw on the ground and buy himself something "decent."

He could afford a nice car.  My Mom drove a nice new Dodge truck and also had a Corvette. (Paid off I might add)  Yet he always seemed to enjoy the junkers and he owned so many different ones that our yard looked like a used car lot, or junkyard depending on your perspective.   But this car - we kids hated it most and took every opportunity available to make fun of it. (We were awful)  To us, it was so old and ugly that we did our best to never be seen in it.  When it was time for my sister and I to learn to drive a stick shift, we laughed about all the things we could plow with it and how it wouldn't matter because it was already so hideous.  A few dents might improve its appearance in our opinion. 

My Dad would find what I'm about to say comical if he actually read my blog.   I finally understand what he meant by the whole, throwing money on the ground thing.  And this year, that is where I am at.  Let me explain.

In 2009, I posted Where I Am At  to recap all the emotions and work of sifting through grief in the first year after Samuel left us.  That was my "Job" year.  It was a job too but I am referring to Job in the Bible.  He endured his worst nightmare during which he spoke with "friends" about all the things he knew about God.  He listed out all the things he wished to have God answer in regard to his situation.  In the end God showed up and asked him a barrage of things to which Job said in Job 42:2-6

“I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you.  You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’
It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me.
 You said, ‘Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.’
I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes.  I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”

Before Samuel's death day, I knew about God and like Job, a lot of what I knew was wrong.  From Samuel's death day forward, I came to know God and in doing so, found I had to repent and relearn much. That was how I spent the first year after Samuel, getting to know Him and allowing Him to walk me through the most traumatic experience of my life.  That was the year I went from simply believing He existed to unshakably knowing He lives.

The recap helped me see where I had been that past year and realize that I had grown a lot - in Him and out of grief so I wrote another one for 2010, the second year without Samuel.  The heaviest grief had subsided into the dullness of reality without him here.  In the first year, grief is so heavy that many people fear looking upon it.  It is as if you have a gaping bloody wound with organs hanging out and it scares people.  They flee possibly thinking that if they don't look at it, it cannot happen to them.  That's exactly what happened..  90% of our support while Samuel lived disappeared completely. The second year, apparently the wound is covered enough that people can ignore it because that then is what they did.  Just pretend Samuel never lived.  Never speak his name.  Assume all is well but don't ask just in case it isn't.   Last year was harsh with some very dark areas; I did not feel I fit into this world and people just expected me to live as if none of the tragedy ever happened, as if Samuel never existed. Obviously impossible.

This year's recap is a near 180 to last year's.  Experts will tell you that there is no timeline for grief to subside to a place where life feels "normal" and worth living again and some people use this as a license to never recover.  I know a few such people and I just want to ask them, "Do you truly want to recover your life or do you just want to drain all the sympathy and attention that last 10% of people have left for you?"  And I ask that in the nicest way possible.   From where I stand there is only one way to reclaim your life and that is to seek the One who allowed tragedy to happen, humble yourself before Him and allow Him to walk you through it.  The time it takes for life to feel normal and worth living again depends on the effort you put into trusting Him, learning from Him and allowing Him to bend and mend your heart.

Since last year's recap, it has been a time of Him cutting things out our our lives in order to heal and mature that which remains.  It became quickly obvious that it was time to move away from the grief of Samuel's life to deal with the griefs of our own lives minus Samuel, both past and present.  Very painfully and abruptly, people were cut out of our lives.  And also unexpectedly, Mark joined the ranks of the unemployed.   On the surface and initially, both things seemed very dismal.  But, I've found that when He cuts things out of your life, it's because they are not good for you anymore.  Or because you need to step away from those things in order to gain perspective and discernment and there was no other way for you to have either one while you were immersed in it.  Trusting Him in such precarious areas does result in more good than bad and that's how things have been for us.  For Mark who continued to work in an environment of sick and dying children for years after Samuel left us, this separation has been good.  The job was very hard on him emotionally.  Like dredging up the past over and over and still being able to do nothing about it.  He was never able to be fully comforted in his own grieving process or move beyond it in that environment.  He's had a solid six months to just be and it's been very good for him (and me and the kids too.  When Daddy's home every day is a holiday to us).  I blogged a bit about God's healing of the "Tamar" part of my life here.  It wasn't too long after that experience of resurrection that I began asking God to allow Mark and I to have another honeymoon to fully enjoy the restoration.  Considering the first one was a bust with the stigma of being pregnant before the wedding, considering the last several years were atrocious at times, and finally considering the unimaginable gift He had just given me, I hoped this was too much to ask.  I was thinking something like a couple day getaway.  Just Mark and I - no kids obviously, but I just didn't know how that would be possible, either financially or otherwise.  And that was all before he lost his job.  

It was less than a week after the job loss that I realized my prayer was answered, just not in the way I had expected.  It was better.  So much better that I just started laughing like Sarah must have laughed when God told her she was going to have a baby when she was 90.  It just didn't seem possible and yet it was coming to pass.  A true Biblical honeymoon which I knew about but would have never expected.  Deuteronomy 24:5  “When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken.  I realized I needed to share this with Mark who was still understandably upset about not having a job.  He was unaware of my prayer for another honeymoon at that time.  I told him that I had something to confess but I was certain that I wasn't going to be able to get all the words out without laughing.  Through giggles, I told him about the prayer and what a Biblical honeymoon looked like and that it seemed to me that this prayer was answered.  His response, "So this is YOUR fault?"  More laughter.  How would it be possible?  Well, God has provided for us for six months now and this entire time, we've both called it our honeymoon and enjoyed it as such.  It's been an amazing time of rest, renewal, pushing through some walls, some grief and growing in our relationship.  It's been SO wonderful, I cannot even tell you how much we both needed this time.  We continue to trust God for provision and a future job as He sees fit.

I knew that the Olive Garden experience was significant of something from the moment it began but it's taken me 5 months (to the day) to figure it out.  It has a lot to do with throwing money on the ground except I'll change the analogy a bit to throwing blessings on the ground.  This happened exactly one month into our "honeymoon" when we were still feeling a bit precarious about how it was going to work out long term.  I wanted us both to dump all the what-if fears and concerns to just enjoy the blessing.  But I am also a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" kind of person so I was afraid to fully immerse myself in what God had put in front of us.  Part of me felt like I didn't deserve such a huge favor.  Part of me was afraid that if I let myself fully enjoy it, everything would fall apart.  So on the drive to the restaurant, I was throwing my blessings on the ground; I made myself feel guilty for wanting to enjoy such amazing blessings while our friends were enduring trails in their own lives.  Trials that I could not ease for them.  Trails that I could not take on for them.  Trials between them and God.  Sitting in the Olive Garden after throwing my blessings on the ground did not result in  blessing. Instead He reminded me quite clearly without even a warning of the (no words for this) monstrous, bitter, awful, years of suffering we endured with Samuel as well as the tremendous loss and cross we carry the rest of our lives without him. We've paid a high price for the lessons we learned through that that now go toward a future glory. Samuel paid the ultimate price to teach all of us with his life and I know his reward for this will be exceedingly great.  But this knowledge doesn't change the fact that you could stab me with a knife over and over again and never come close to the pain I feel in my heart, still, even now, because he's not here. And right there in the middle of a restaurant, for God and everyone to watch play out, that agony was again as fresh as it would be if it had only just occurred. I left angry at Him for the ambush. He pushed all the right buttons all at once and left me in a terrible emotional state for days to come. And for what point exactly?  As I said, it's taken awhile to figure out.

Mark and I have survived a horrible ordeal together. It was not just some little blip in our lives easily forgotten.  I realize over and over just how unbelievable and awful things were - for a very long time - when I try to describe them to a person who knows nothing about what we endured. How did we manage it all? I always come back to that question as do others.  We are still physically and emotionally tried and tired.  I'm not sure we have the strength to endure another hardship even half comparable to Samuel's lifetime.   I hope we'll never have to go through anything this harsh on our hearts again.  We'll carry this sorrow until God removes it in Heaven.  While I know God holds my future and I trust Him now more than ever, I have a nagging fear that the minute we find joy without immense sorrow in this life, that joy will be ripped away from our hands and sorrow will solely remain.  I hate typing that out but it's true.  The world calls it PTSD but God would call it a lack of faith in His goodness.  So,  I know I need to let it go. 

In Job 42:12, after Job repents and is reconciled to God, the LORD blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning.  There are no more recorded "shoe droppings" for Job.  He endured some hideous losses as well as physical torment but when Job SAW God he also saw his own vileness and knew his lowly place in this world.  No one could take the experience or what it did in his heart away from him.  No one and no thing from that point on would have been able to shake his confidence in his Lord.  During that trial, though he wavered a bit, he had proven himself faithful to God.  I assume that was the end of the major trials and temptations for him because there is only blessing recorded after that.  James 1:12  Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.  I pray I'm there - approved.  I cannot speak for Mark but like Job, no one and no thing will ever again make me doubt God's existence, love for us, and faithfulness to His children.  I think this is a point God wants us all to reach with Him but because we are often rebellious, we suffer worse and worse trails as He continues to try to reach us.  This is why we are vile.  You'd think He could reach us in His goodness but often it isn't until we're the most broken lost souls that we finally humble ourselves, listen and obey Him.  We are vile and He is far greater than we can imagine and again I'll say that I pray I've been approved in His sight and that our gut wrenching trials similar to Job's, are over.  I do not expect a life with no hardship, just hope and pray for less horrible sicknesses and deaths to so personally dawn my doorstep.  I realize just how depraved I am when He tries to bless me; I know I don't deserve it and at the same time, I don't want to lose the blessing.  There is a word for this feeling: Dayenu.  Yesterday's blessing would have been enough and still there are more, and more, and more.  And some are just so unbelievable that I can do little else but smile and laugh because I am so happy.  He is so good!

Blessings are meant to be enjoyed, especially dayenu blessings.  Not thrown on the ground for those "less fortunate" as my Dad would say.  Those he felt were less fortunate than him were the very same people who would drive by and make fun of his car. They had no way of appreciating it's value.   It ran well, got good gas mileage, and he didn't have to slave away at a job he despised to own it. Sadly for him, it was the most faithful thing in his life and in his mind, like mine, in order to hang on to this blessing, he somehow thought that he needed to throw the money he was saving (which was the blessing) away thus throwing the blessing on the ground.  The fact of the matter is that he learned to enjoy that blessing the hard way; by driving an expensive car he had to work long hours just to enjoy, or by having one which always needed repairs, or by having one you had to be "careful" with since it was new.

Most people would look at our family today and never see our blessings.  Some feel sorry for us.  Others might say that we must be horrible, indecent people and God is punishing us for it.  Let's see what they see: our son got cancer and a whole lot of other horrible things, we incurred a huge amount of debt and then he died.  Mark is currently unemployed. We are not enamored with "stuff" so don't own anything you'd be jealous of and covet.  On the surface, our life today looks pretty bland, boring and that 90% would say sad.   Yet we treasure our quiet simple life together.  We've had enough drama.

 

This is what is most important; Mark and I have each other and after all has been said and done, isn't that amazing?  And currently, we have been given a honeymoon to refresh and reward us simply because I asked for one.  I'm still laughing about that.  We have a glorious peace over our home and our children are thriving, happy and well-adjusted.   And Samuel is in Heaven more than likely keeping God alert as to what we are doing, as if He needs the help.  What else can I say?  The sorrow is there and I expect it always will be.  I cannot change what happened but I wouldn't give up being Samuel's Mom to be spared the agony of being separated.  The lessons of his lifetime brought me to where I am at today, a place of immense blessing and much to look forward to including being reunited with him in Glory at some point. 

What God was trying to show me at the Olive Garden was that He alone knows the depth of my pain and how much my heart has suffered through it.  But that time of trial is over and whatever tomorrow holds is out of my control.  Worrying about it will destroy my enjoyment of today.  Trying to enjoy the blessing for those who may never learn to do the same won't keep my blessings coming either.  My blessings from Him are simply that: mine.  And this is obviously a time for blessings as evidenced by so much dayenu so I am offending Him by asking for such a great favor, having Him grant it, and then being afraid to enjoy it.   He cannot bless me at all if I continually throw the gifts He gives me on the ground.   Apparently I have the opposite problem of the one Job speaks of when he asks, "Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?”  Seems I need to relearn how to accept the good.  Forgive me, Lord, for expecting rotten apples and mirages from You who have only shown Yourself to me as good.  I still have a lot to learn.

And P.S.

I still hate that Datsun but I definitely understand the treasure in older cars (that are not junk) which is why we own a Bronco.  Mark's been fixing it up little by little and repainting it because sky blue is yet another horrible car color.

Dayenu!

Seventeen = Victory

I doubt you'd be surprised to learn that "my" New Year doesn't occur until May 8th at 5:58am.  As the calendar rolled over to 2011, this reality was never more clear.  When the calendar rolled into 2005, I distinctly remember mentioning in the journal that for us, there wasn't anything new or exciting about the date change, it was just more of the same bad nightmare continued into a new year.  I think ever since that time, we simply stopped believing that a new year somehow equated a fresh start.  It became just another year to claw our way through fighting, hoping and praying we'd all be living when it ended.  2008 blew that hope off our radar for good. 

As I look at the calendar which says it's January 7th, all that tells me is April and May are coming like a freight train.  In 2009, this thought struck terror in my heart.  In 2010, the terror wasn't as fierce, but still in the background.  But now that it's 2011, and I think ahead, I am beginning to see these months quite differently. I cannot say I look forward to them, but I can say that I will embrace them when they arrive knowing that God will pick me up and carry me through them just as He has done in years past.  The 17 days that elapse between Samuel's birthday on Earth and Samuel's birthday in Heaven (as my "Mom" Sue says, the days between births) are now sacred.  These are "my" days to do little else but be thankful for Samuel's life and the lessons I've learned because he lived.  I will allow myself to mourn a little and at the same time draw treasures from the Lord that only seem to come forth during times of intense emotions.  I do believe that it is when the heart bleeds that the Lord is nearest and often we miss Him because we fear great sorrow and resent the suffering that comes of it.  We'll do anything to make it go away whether that be drugs, alcohol, or some other cop out in order to temporarily feel better.  Unresolved issues have a tendency to follow you around, linger in your consciousness, and lie in wait for you to wake up to reality again so they can pounce.  Suffering and sorrow dawn every doorstep at some point; consider that as Jesus knocking on your door asking you to take some time out of your busy life to get to know Him and allow Him to redeem the situation.    Redemption doesn't always mean that the ugly becomes beautiful (although it certainly can); I've found redemption of a very bad situation can become bittersweet which is an improvement over just plain ugly.  The sweetness is in the present while the bitterness remains in the past.   It still hurts immensely to recall Samuel's sufferings but that hurt is often covered by the amazing love that poured out of it and the blessings that have come and continue to come because of it.   You can choose to remember and dwell on only the bad, or you can choose to allow God show you the good and allow you to live again.   I chose the latter and  I am SO glad I did that.  And so today those 17 days have come to set the tone for the entire year that follows and have since 2008 so you can see why my new year won't truly begin until the time of Samuel's departure.

For whatever reason this new year, I began to question the significance of 17 days knowing it wasn't accidental that these days between births have become so significant.  Perhaps it wouldn't feel as symbolic if his original diagnosis wouldn't have come on his 2nd birthday.  Perhaps it wouldn't seem so compelling except that from Samuel's 6th birthday forward, we knew he was living on borrowed time.     Perhaps if there had been 51+ days in between, I would not cluster it together and count it all out.  Perhaps the memories of each of those days would be foggier if there were more of them.   But instead, we know he lived exactly 17 days into his 6th year here and that's what we say when people ask how old he was when he left.  It's significant to us.

You might recall the last time numbers stood out to me when I started looking at Samuel's Exodus date and time.  I blogged about it here.  That was pretty interesting.  So, in the same spirit, I began looking into the Biblical significance of 17 which is also pretty interesting and multifaceted because of it's many properties.  In a nutshell, 17 is a number which signifies victory.  I like that.  Especially in light of remembering those 17 days as misery.  The misery is in the past.  I cannot change it.  Nor can I deny how miserable it was.  Yet, Samuel was still victorious in spirit.  That is undeniable.  I'll never forget that in his last days here he was concerned that his Dad might not be okay sleeping alone while I was sleeping with him.  I'll not forget how he told me he was sorry, then stopped to correct himself to say that his body was sorry.  I'll not forget how he spent his last good day coloring pictures and doing things specifically "for me." 

Victory.

  Another source said 17 is the perfection of spiritual order.  Now it was last year, April 2nd that I was given the dream about Perfection.  That's a word I am very careful using to be certain but here it is in front of my face again.

17 is the 7th prime number, therefore indivisible, and also the sum of the first four prime numbers 2+3+5+7 which gives it the significance of each number with special emphasis on the number 7. 

2 = Unity

3 = Divine completeness and perfection

5 = Grace, divine strength and favor

7 = Spiritual perfection

And as if those weren't treasures enough to unearth, when I think of the 17 days, I always break it up because it falls between two months.  The last 9 days of April and the first 8 days of May.  So I looked into the number 9 and nearly fell out of my chair.  The number 9 represents the Fruit of the Spirit; love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, and self-control.  Since I have often referred to these and Samuel, you can see why this might stand out in a very significant way.  Did I not see all of these in him most especially in his last days here?  Were they not truly perfected in those last days?  The number 8 is the number of resurrection, of new birth and new beginnings.  I think this one needs no further explanation.  We all know he got his new birth with God.  And if you look at this from God's perspective, He's already told us that we are to strive to perfect each fruit of the spirit while on Earth prior to going to Heaven and there it is layed out between the numbers 8 and 9.

So maybe I will start referring to the days between births as the "Days of Victory."  I like that a lot.  Less than a month after he went to Heaven, I wrote a post called "Samuel Won."    Seems like the Lord has been whispering all these things to me for years and I just now took the time to put it all together.  I keep thinking that one day in Heaven, Samuel and I will laugh about all this while he says, "Boy, Mama, you sure are slow." (I can hear it already) And on that day we will also say,  “Where, O death, is your victory?  Where, O death, is your sting?  Death has been swallowed up in victory.”  (1 Corinthians 15:55)

Victory!

I'll take it.

The Rear View

What does not kill me, makes me stronger  --Friedrich Nietzsche.


You know this quote, I am certain.   Who hasn't had some helpful person quote this to them when tragedy strikes?  Without much thought process attached, it almost sounds like a Biblical concept so you might be surprised to know that Friedrich Nietzsche was a late 19th century philosopher who made his life's mission to challenge and mock the teachings of the Christian faith.   While this is his most famous seemingly insightful quote, I found pages and pages filled with more of his half-truths and out and out lies.  Occasionally, there was a true gem mixed in but for the most part, reading his "brilliance" was just sad.  After reading more blasphemy than I really needed to, I did a quick bio search on him wondering when he lived and what was known of his life.  I found some interesting things, but only interesting in the light of God's Word and hindsight.   He never married (girlfriend rejected him), his writings were not embraced during his lifetime (people thought he was mentally unstable), and he disowned his country and became a "gypsy" wandering homeless around Europe looking for something he obviously never found.   At the age of 45, he had a complete mental breakdown which left him an invalid in a sanitarium for most of the next 11 years when he finally died of pneumonia.  I don't know about you, but to me, his existence does not sound like a happy one.  He openly mocked and rejected God and what did he gain by it?  According to.Galatians 6:7, he reaped what he sowed.  Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.   A man who thought he was brilliant enough to BE God, and that the concept of a true God was man's mistake (yes he actually wrote that) ended up living 11 years of his life in a mental institution.  Remember 1 Corinthians 1:18-21,  For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.  For it is written:   “ I will destroy the wisdom of the wise,  And bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.”   Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?  This post is really not about Friedrich but a very valuable lesson can be learned by simply examining his writings and life history using the promises of scripture and a rear view mirror.  God is everywhere, involved in all things, even in the lives of those who do not believe in Him. 

Let me see if I can fix Friedrich's "logic....."

What does not kill us will only serve to hardens our hearts if we do not yield to Jesus who supplies true strength --Jen Backus.

I believe Friedrich equated strength with the hardening of the heart.  That isn't true strength.  True strength is supplied by God when you acknowledge your own weakness; when you acknowledge that it was He who broke you and that only He can mend you.  Nothing happens on this Earth that He is not aware of.  Nothing happens He hasn't planned for.   Isaiah 14:24b, “Surely, as I have planned, so it will be,  and as I have purposed, so it will happen."   Amos 3:6  When disaster comes to a city, has not the LORD caused it?  Is this not the hardest thing to face as a Christian?  That God would bring disaster into your life on purpose and for a purpose.  You will never find true healing or strength after tragedy until you seek His Will in it.  I tell you this from experience.  The pivotal moment for me was the day I humbled myself before the Lord not long after Samuel left us; the day I said, "Somewhere, some way, I am wrong. Either I never knew you or you don't exist.  God, if you are there and If you can still teach me, I am willing to be taught.  This is surely not a lesson I wish to ever need to learn again.  And God if you can still use me in this life, I am willing to be used."    On that day, I died to myself and nothing has been the same since nor would I want it to be.

This will be our third Christmas without Samuel.   God has given me a special gift every Holiday Season since Samuel has been with Him. Gifts of truth, gifts of treasures I thought were lost,  or gifts of dreams or visitations.  The gifts always have one thing in common; they occupy my thoughts for the entire season, they teach me something new and bring great joy to my heart...perhaps not always at first but certainly always in the end.

This year you can plainly see the gifts of new puppies to love -- two of which I know He made specially for me.  Panda for now, and Javier for Samuel to take care of until I get there.  But the puppies are not all He has provided for this season; the timing of their arrival with the work He is doing on my heart proves once again that He plans out our every need before we ever dreamed of needing it.  This planning is only seen by looking in the rear view mirror of my life for the last few months.

                           @@@@@@@@@@

Have you ever been snared by your own words?  Of course you have, we all have.  You said you were going to do something and you didn't.  Perhaps you chose not to, perhaps the choice was out of your control.  Maybe you lied.  Nevertheless, your words became your self made trap when someone called you on them.  And it's one thing to have a human point a thing out for you but quite another when the only one who knows the real truth is God and HE points it out to you.  Rewind about a month and you'll find me snared by words I spoke to my beloved fully believing they were true only to have God call me out and show me several illustrations that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were not.

Does God take the prayers of His children seriously?  Yes, He does.  When your heart is sincere, He does.  So if you decide to take Him being your Heavenly Father at face value as I have and ask Him to be a Father to you in your earthly father's absence, you can fully expect that He will.  Fathers protect and fathers fix things that are wrong; it's often a father who will take something which is broken and repair or restore it.  Restoration is God's specialty.  If you ask God to truly become your father, He will start repairing and restoring starting with the most important part to Him: your heart.  Trick here is, you have to let Him do this.  You have to participate. It's not always easy.  Sometimes it hurts....a lot.  No pain, no gain........wonder who coined that phrase?  I'm not even going to bother to look.

For years, I have heard today's most popular sermons on how God wants you to enjoy your life, or how He has a great plan for you life and it's always equated with wealth, health and unending blessings (just send your money).   If you don't have wealth, health and unending blessings, you must have sin in your life (who doesn't?) or you don't tithe.  God owns everything on this earth and if wealth, health and endless blessings made us better Christians, He would bestow them upon us without measure.  This whole "gospel" is corrupt.   Preach it to the Apostle Paul who sat in prison for ten years writing most of his New Testament books and see if he doesn't slap you silly.  Preach this to my Samuel and see if he doesn't roll his eyes and show you his tongue; what sin did he have in his life that would so viciously steal his health and life?   This crap is garbage.  It tickles the ears while it corrupts the soul.

This is what Jesus says He came to do.   Luke 4:18, “ The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,  To proclaim liberty to the captives  And recovery of sight to the blind,  To set at liberty those who are oppressed;   To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD.”  In Isaiah 58 God says His Will is to to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke,  to set the oppressed free and break every yoke.  Are these not all acts bestowed upon the heart to free us from the chains of the devil which tie us down with lies and torment?  Without God to take our blinders off, we truly cannot see where we are headed nor discern the truest longings of our own hearts.  Without God, peace and joy in the heart are impossible.  Without peace and joy in heart, nothing else really matters.

I know my life history well so when He called me out I knew exactly what He was talking about.  That skeleton in the closet that I cover up with whatever means is available -- I've become a master at pretending to not see it, just living my life precariously dancing around it -- yet it's always there.  Rewind a couple more months and you'll find it rearing it's ugly head in the most sickening of ways.  This time though, I was never fully able to bury it because it attached itself to a scene of my life that I doubt I'll ever get the bad taste in my mouth out from.   It's been around since I can remember time; it's often a negative life event that  wakes up your consciousness and sears itself there when you are very very young.    It's a part of my soul which was snuffed out before it ever had a chance to truly live.  A part I believed was irreparable so I accepted it as being dead.   So many years have passed that I didn't care about it much anymore until the above mentioned episode which set me up perfectly for what God was going to do next.     God laid that skeleton bare in front of my eyes reminding me that I am not the only one who sees it.  He showed exactly how this torments me and how much this missing piece of my soul affects my beloved and me.  I saw fully how much this has cheated us both out of something that is uniquely ours without either of us even recognizing it.  God pulled the blinders off.

The numerous vile details of this tangled mess are unimportant in comparison to what the Lord has been teaching me and doing with my heart.  A true Father knows you and loves you enough to delicately but still honestly unmask the parts of your life that need repair.  A daughter who knows she is loved, will trust that her Father knows best and even if the restoration or in my case, resurrection is a better word -- even if it be painfully difficult, she will hear and obey His words.

When God points something out, when He removes the blinders, you stand at a crossroad and you must choose which path to take.  You cannot choose to go backwards and pretend the conversation never happened.  You either say, "Yes, God, you're right, it's time to do this," or you say, "No, God, it's just too hard.  I cannot do it," and perhaps miss the only opportunity you'll get to have Him rebuke the demons and mend your heart.  Everything had come to a head and this is what I was hearing from Him, "Now or never."

So, there lay the ultimate "Do you trust Me?" moment with God. And then there was my poor beloved, clueless as to what was going on inside my head and my heart.   I knew he could live just fine without this knowledge, but could I live with the blinders removed leaving him in the dark?  No, I could not.  This would directly affect him. affect us, even if he did not know it yet.   "God, how do I tell him all of this?  Really, this is like smashing him into a brick wall without even a warning.   I'm not even sure I can deal with this myself, it's not like I have ever made progress with it before and now I should lay this in his lap too?   You're asking me to do something I don't know if I'm strong enough to do.   What if.....?" 

The "what if" possibilities are always endless, best not to go there.

And what is faith?  Is it faith to stop and wait for the "right time" when all the stars line up and everything falls into place and truth comes easily?  Is faith saying, "God, you handle this and I'll just keep living my life the way I always have.  I'm strong, I got through that era and I am doing fine.  My beloved can live his life just fine without this knowledge." 

That is not faith, this is hardening of the heart. Setting out to deal with something by not dealing with it at all and then calling yourself strong because it didn't kill you outright.   Faith is doing what God is asking you to do and trusting that He'll see you through even if you are consumed with apprehension.  It's doing the hard things, laying yourself bare, when the time isn't right because it'll never be right in your eyes but it must be in His or He would not ask you to take the first step.  By the exercising of faith, by the taking of the first step, God stands in the gap and works things out in ways you couldn't possibly imagine.  I couldn't imagine the joy of today a month ago and while some days are still painfully hard, the joy is starting to overtake the bitter times.

And how do we know God is at the helm when we feel Him calling us to step out in faith and plunge ourselves into the unknown.  Look in the rear view mirror.  How did we get to this place?  What events led us here?  What have we been praying and yearning for with all our heart?  I took a few days to think these things over.  It was clear as day the events that led me to this ledge I was standing on. And my deepest longing, most heartfelt prayer, had been for my beloved; that his faith would be strengthened.  That he would experience the power of the living God and want to draw nearer to Him.  And if God needed to use me to do these things, I was willing to be used, whatever the cost; if you pray a prayer like that, be ready to fulfill any vows you make.  God takes His vows seriously and He expects you to do the same.

I knew what I needed to do but it took me a few days to get it all straight in my head so I could get it all straight on paper.  I needed to be certain that the words were right because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt my beloved.   I found there weren't enough adjectives to describe some of the ugliest truths about my life and with him not having a similar life experience, I wasn't even certain that he would understand or see the need to have all my broken pieces dumped into his lap.   God are you sure about this?

It's now or never...............

2 Timothy 1:7,  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

I got everything organized, the words coherent and I read what I wrote countless times before nervously handing them into my beloved's hands and heart.   He received the truths with love and compassion and I heard God saying, "Why do you think I picked him for you?"    But I found that once everything was out, I got ambushed like never before -- by demons.  This I was not expecting.  Why, I don't know.  They ambushed me after Samuel's death too mocking me.   Experience tells me that when this happens, you are very very near a breakthrough.  Don't cave into their pressures and lies, they do not leave quietly and that was an experience I'll never forget; a flood of panic from decades before with a familiar flood of lies to go with it.  This isn't over.  It'll never go away........
 
These were the nicer things that were said and as Samuel would say, "Blah, blah, blah."   The demons did finally go away.  I guess they got tired of hearing blah, blah, blah. I'd love you to believe it was truly that simple.  It was not.  Not even close.
 
Restoration isn't an easy process.  To have something restored means it has been lost, broken, missing or has died.  We mourn for the dead and with the unearthing of the skeleton and release of the demons came grief.  Grief for the piece of me that died so long ago.  Grief for the empty shell that took it's place all these years that would also need to die in order for God to restore true life.  Through the grief, He comforted my heart and not long after the skeleton was revealed the puppies were born.  Who wouldn't be comforted by new precious lives?  They lighten the load to be certain and if they are not a sign and confirmation of new life, I don't know what is.   And while I have been loving babies, my own children and my beloved, He continues to speak truth into my heart, truth that has quickly taken the dead pieces and restored to them life.  And I'm amazed and reduced to tears of joy often in those moments when I feel that life springing forth for the first time - I never ever believed this would be possible for me.   It's a precious gift from my Heavenly Father like life to dry bones, or water in a parched desert.  The immediate change is undeniable.  I lament that I have wasted so much time living with the skeleton and never truly enjoying some of God's most mysterious and greatest gifts,  but I trust that His timing is perfect and that these things could not be addressed properly until now. 

So you might wonder if my beloved has noticed a difference.  Unequivocally, yes.  It's like night or day, empty or full, dead or alive.  And did it build his faith?  Does he recognize God's power?  Were my prayers answered?  Think of the disciples on Resurrection Day. Did seeing Christ risen build their faith and allow them to recognize God's power? Was it not then that they truly sincerely believed everything they had witnessed for years before that event?   On the other hand, think of the Israelites during Moses's day;  God was always in front of their faces.  They saw more miracles in a shorter amount of time than any other generation and yet it was they who were the most blind to Him.  Why were they blinded?  Because of their sin; they loved their own ways more than God's and as a result, many of them died in their sins and never entered into the Promise Land.  God is always in our midst but it is He who chooses whether or not we truly see Him.  He decides this based on His amazing grace and the condition of our heart toward Him.    The diciples saw miracles and believed in God because they truly knew and loved Jesus.   That said, these are questions only my beloved can answer. This I can say for certain; I have been blessed beyond measure and that blessing was contingent on how my beloved received and acted upon the truths I shared with him.  He has an amazing heart and God surely has His hands squarely upon his shoulders whether he fully feels it or not.  I see it daily and marvel.   My faith has been strengthened and once again, I know first hand the healing power of God. As a result of these blessings, my beloved too is being blessed.  

Often God covers Himself as He works behind the scenes and we don't recognize His handiwork until after it's been done.  It's only then that if we take the time to look in the rear view, we can connect the dots back to Him.   Think of Moses who said in Exodus 33, "Show me your glory."  And God answered, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock.  When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by.  Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”   Is God not telling us that we'll see His glory in the rear view if we'll just take the time to look for it?

Look for Him.  Everytime you find Him, you'll be blessed and your faith will be strengthened.  If He be not real to you, then your relationship (if you can call it that) with Him is still in the infancy stage, risks becoming dysfunctional and faith  cannot grow.   Ask Him to remove the blinders so you can see Him.  When our faith grows it is easier to act upon it and please Him.  When we please Him, He blesses us right where we need blessing most. 

This is a Holiday Season I will never ever forget.  It's the year I fully began to live again. This gift of life from the dead is truly His Shekinah Glory and when you experience it, you want your beloved to experience it with you.  Thankfully, he did and he continues to.
Luke 2: 8-14
Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night.  And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid.  Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.”



And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:  “ Glory to God in the highest,  and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!”

Glory to God indeed.
Merry CHRISTmas and much love.

The Capsule

I have had more life-changing perceptions of Heaven since Samuel went to live there than at any other time in my life. Before Samuel lived in Heaven, Heaven was just an amazing place of unimaginable reward and I looked up to the clouds daily to see if I could get a glimpse of it. Of course, I never saw anything but clouds. I would try to imagine what we might see and experience there and all of my suppositions seemed to fall short of heavenly. I have read books of others' suppositions of Heaven and found myself turning up my nose at times hoping what they wrote wasn't really going to be true. The Holy Spirit has once again been the best teacher reminding me that Earth is but a shadow of Heaven and God speaks to us, shows us examples of who He is, what He wants from us, and even glimpses of Heaven through what is right in front of us. It's just a matter of having your spiritual eyes opened so that you can see it.

I have often felt and seen little twinklings of the joy in Heaven through dreams, through feeling Samuel's immense love while he is in heaven, through his joy of Christmas everyday and most recently, as I watched the rescue of the Chilean miners. Setting aside the "cheating miner" which is currently being focused upon and all the other drama yet to come out, I am talking about the 24 hour period when the world watched a miracle in progress not caring who did what to whom, only that they somehow survived a horribly unfathomable ordeal and were now saved. Who wasn't moved by the family members welcoming their once thought dead loved ones back to the surface? Who wasn't caught up in the excitement as we waited for each man to come out of the pit to the great cheers of the rescuers? Who wasn't impressed by the Chilean President welcoming each miner back to life, thanking them for the job they did, and telling each how proud of them he was? I heard one news commentator say he thought that covering the rescue might become boring as time elapsed only to realize that it just got more and more exciting and amazing instead. We witnessed something special indeed. I have pondered the rescue for days now thinking of the parallels to what our welcome in Heaven might be like. I cannot help but think this example was God giving us a glimpse of not only a Heavenly ovation but also a reminder of His gracious call to each of us and what that call entails.

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Remember the rescue and picture this Heavenly view -- The miners are trapped in the land of the dying (the collapsed mine) a pit; a place of great darkness, suffering, and sorrow. (Earth)  God's angels, aka the rescuers, go down to Earth (the pit) to prepare each man for his journey out of the abyss. God's angels, again the rescuers, now on the surface (or at Heaven's gate) receiving each man from the abyss and removing from his body any remaining Earthly ties and handing each a pair of sunglasses to help their eyes adjust to the light of His glory (the sun and the Son). As soon as the man appears at Heaven's Gate (or on the surface) everyone there sings praises to God as He has redeemed yet another soul from death's grasp. And the family who can hardly wait to embrace their loved one in Heaven (or on the surface) is then first to receive them in tearful joy as the angels (rescuers) continue to clap, sing and welcome them. And then there is Jesus, (the Chilean President as I am painting this picture) who graciously and humbly waits as the immediate family welcome their love to Heaven first. He, of course, is responsible for them being redeemed but he enjoys watching the reunions and waiting for the redeemed to come to him which he always does. And then a great humility is witnessed indeed as minor, a virtual nobody, receives glory and honor from the President (or in the case of Heaven, Jesus) who himself is due all the glory and honor for making this possible.  It's hard to tell which man is happier.  Each miner had to have had a moment where they wondered, "Is this really happening? Who am I to receive such a hero's welcome? Who am I that so many dropped everything in their lives to come save? Who am I and what have I ever done to deserve this?"

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When the Chilean President received the news about the trapped miners, he could have said, "Who cares, they are all nobodies, why bother trying to save them, they are probably dead anyway, it's not worth the cost or effort, they'll never know the difference anyway," but he didn't. He didn't lose hope in spite of how it looked, he went to the ends of the Earth to help them no matter the cost, and with God's help, he got them all out alive and well. Each man's life was precious no matter who he was or wasn't or what sins he committed. It's a beautiful picture parallel of how God feels about us; He hasn't left us for dead.

On this Earth, we are all born as "trapped miners." Trapped in depravity and slaves to our sins, yet something provokes us to search for an unknown treasure. Jesus is that treasure. Without Him, we live in a dirty dark hole of our own filth. God could have left us like this and we could then live out our miserable lives never feeling satisfied as we lusted after dust, always feeling as if there was something missing in our lives and never finding it. We would never recognize our slavery to sin and to Satan. God could have walked away leaving us in this pit saying that we would never know the difference anyway, but He didn't. Still, we ask, "Who am I that the God of the Universe would care so much about me?"

God sent His Son to live and die in the very same sin-filled conditions as the rest of us in order to reconcile mankind back into His grace; in order to save us from Satan's grasp. When Adam fell from that grace, you can bet he knew it.  He knew he needed a Savior.  But the rest of us have been born into this corrupt world never recognizing that it didn't start out like this, nor will it endure forever like this.  As a result we did not at first see our need for a Savior, and the grace of God.   Someone had to tell us.  Someone had to share the gospel of Christ with us so that our eyes would be opened and we could have the opportunity to choose life.  John 3:17 says For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

Have you ever thought that He hasn't asked us to do anything on Earth He was unwilling to do? If you were the Creator and could just speak planets and people into existence or destruction, why would you bother to insert yourself into a fallen world if you could just crush it and start over? This tells you a lot about how much God cares for you not to mention what kind of people we should be in the face of adversity. God doesn't give up. He is a God of reconciliation. God tells us He is “The LORD, the LORD God, merciful and gracious, long suffering, and abounding in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin....” (Ex. 34)

That said, how do you think God must feel when "Christians" trample over all the effort He has went to for our rescue including the sacrifice of His Son as if it was no big deal?  Did I lose you?  Well let me ask you this:

How do you think the Chilean President and rescuers might feel if after everything was said and done with the rescue about to take place and the miners refused to get into the capsule? What if they chose instead to continue living in the mine with people on the surface just sending down whatever they asked for whenever they asked for it. Think of it - they never have to work, they have no obligations, they just eat, drink, sleep and do whatever they want while the slaves on the surface do whatever they wish, no questions asked. So let me ask you, would you consider them saved? Rescued? It's absurdity! Nobody would stand for it. And they are certainly NOT saved; they would be users tromping over the very people who are trying to help them making all their efforts fruitless in the end.

The miners owe both the President and the rescuers a debt they will never be able to repay. With that will come some expectations moving forward: respect, kindness, thankfulness and humility stemming from the remembrance of the sacrifices made on their account. In the future, should the President call on them for a service, his reasonable expectation would be that they do what he asks cheerfully. He will fully expect their allegiance and he has more than earned it. What the President should not abide would be a bunch of miners, thankful now, but as time passes develop gigantic egos from their sudden fame and go about demanding things in Chile and abroad, breaking laws and walking all over whomever gets into the way of their "new life" citing their "suffering" as an excuse for bad behavior and "hero status" as an excuse for deserving X, Y and Z. I think we can all clearly see what would be wrong with this picture.  Our Savior expects similar things from us when we accept His gracious call to Salvation, a gift that cost Him dearly.  How quickly we forget.

Do you wake up every morning thanking Him for saving you from the pit? Do you thank him for showing you His grace knowing that you did nothing to deserve it, you couldn't earn it and you can never repay it? Are you homesick for Heaven? Do you think about the day you'll stand before Him in Heaven knowing full well that you don't deserve to be there and yet, because of Jesus who took your sins and gave you His righteousness, you are there? Does that awe factor of this bring you to your knees in thanksgiving and praise because He chose to open your eyes rather than leave you in the darkness? If you are not overwhelmed by His saving grace toward you daily, I would question whether or not you are still living in the pit refusing to get into the capsule.

There are a myriad of "Christians" today living like this. These are people who have had just enough Jesus to be dangerous.  They have seen the light of truth shine down into the pit.  The capsule to remove them has arrived and is waiting for them to get in, but they have refused to leave the life they have built for themselves in that hole.  They want all the benefits of Salvation but reject the obligations and responsibilities that receiving His Divine Grace requires.  They embrace the gracious gifts of God such as love, forgiveness and blessings even going so far as to call Him their Savior yet they reject the call to righteousness which requires repentance from sin.  So, just as I asked you if the miners would have been saved had they refused to get into the capsule, are these "Christians" saved?  They'll tell you that they are.

God is calling them to get into the capsule and come out of their sin and thus have their sin flee from them. This is what the grace of God does in your life.  This is why the Gospel is liberty to the captives of sin, vs. liberty for the captives to sin more.   It draws you out of that old life.  In fact that old life disgusts you more and more as you get closer to Jesus.  This grace allows you follow Him to the only true life there is and by doing this, grace causes sin to flee from you because you have rejected it as a lifestyle and master. This is something we cannot do alone and the reason why we need God's grace daily and the help of the Holy Spirit.   When you choose to follow Jesus, you agree to become an Ambassador for Christ. That means you choose His will for your life, and leave your will behind. You choose obedience to God over obedience to yourself.  It doesn't mean you are suddenly perfect in all your actions, but provides forgiveness of sin you are truly sorry for committing as you continue your walk in faith. God knows we are not perfect and His grace makes allowances for this as we learn to imitate the life of Jesus. 
There is a grace being preached as doctrine which states that grace has done it all; paid the price for our sins for all time, and there is nothing we have to do but console ourselves with grace and go on with our lives as the sinners we are.  This is a fraudulent grace stripped of it's soul-saving power, stripped of the cross, stripped of Christ.  It preaches the love and forgiveness of God without requiring recognition, condemnation and repentance of sin or obligation to follow and obey Christ.  It is man justifying himself for and in his sins simply by saying, " God loves me, I'm forgiven" even as he keeps on sinning.  This false grace is an enemy to God, and a very slippery slope which hardens the heart to sin to the point where one no longer receives the gracious call of God. It sears the conscience to the place where one hardly recognizes their own sin but is quick to judge everyone else's.  Jesus had a word for these people in His day: hypocrites. Obviously the problem isn't new.  Unfortunately, these are the people who are harming the faith by their disobedience to God.   They fool people who have never seen true followers of Christ with their Christianese and charity.  They confuse baby Christians with their self-justification of sin and lofty talk.  This "Christian" lacks all spiritual discernment, humility, mercy, meekness, and godly love among other fruits of the Spirit.  They are instead faithless, arrogant, greedy, selfish, insolent and boastful.  They are that person whom you know something isn't quite right with but everytime you try to help them see it, they either say you are persecuting them for their faith or are angry that you are judging them.  These never answer with a repentant heart because they are never guilty.  Again, "God loves them, they are forgiven."  And Again, absurdity!  They are deceived.

Hebrews 10:26-31 says If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful
expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"and again, "The Lord will judge his people." It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.  Hebrews 6:4-6 says  For it is impossible to bring back to repentance those who were once enlightened—those who have experienced the good things of heaven and shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the power of the age to come— and who then turn away from God. It is impossible to bring such people back to repentance; by rejecting the Son of God, they themselves are nailing him to the cross once again and holding him up to public shame.

Scripture is clear that there is a point of no return to God.  At this point, God warns us to stay away from such "Christians."  They profane the Lord with their behavior, corrupt the faith of all who partake of their folly and trample the precious blood of Jesus as if it has no value.     1 Corinthians 5: 9-13 says  I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.   What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?  God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you."

God is not mocked.  Heaven will not be full of hypocrites.  They may fool some people on the Earth but they are the ones for whom this scripture is written.  Matthew 7: 21-23  "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'  And again, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11  Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

It's time to wake up and realize WHO God is calling us to be and WHAT He is asking of us.  It's time to purify your faith in Him remembering what He has done to save you.  His yoke is easy compared to the yoke of the world.  I hear His Divine Grace calling out through the miners experience to whosoever will answer. It's time to wake our hearts up, take inventory of where we stand with Him; whether that be in the light of the Son rejoicing in the our understanding of "I once was lost but now am found, was blind, but now I see." Or are we still in the pit pondering whether or not to enter the capsule. It won't wait forever.  Scripture is very clear on that.
Joel 3:
Multitudes, multitudes
in the valley of decision!

For the day of the LORD is near

in the valley of decision.

God Filtered Flashbacks

Psychological trauma is defined as a mind-blowing wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person. This trauma is not limited to a single event but also can be a continual succession of events that overwhelm the brain's ability to cope, integrate or fully comprehend for an undetermined amount of time: days, weeks, months, years and even decades. Throughout this undetermined amount of time, the traumatized will experience flashbacks in which they relive a part of the trauma. This is the brain's way of trying to rectify what it has endured. If flashbacks are not dealt with properly, they can lead to neurosis. (aka post traumatic stress disorder) Neurosis is loosely defined as insecurity, anxiety, depression, and irrational fears leading to a failure of integrating fully back into society as a whole.

I wrote all of that to say that I am still living life with multiple flashbacks daily. I am not surprised. We knew the day Samuel went to Heaven that there was four years of unrectified emotional trauma to deal with on top of learning to live without him. I found that during the parts of his life where he was doing well, traumatic pieces of his life haunted me greatly. In the times when I should have been happy because he was happy, I often felt the heaviest burdens of sorrow for him. The day his body died, the magnitude of all we all endured hit Mark and I like a ton of bricks. The enormity of that grief felt like being buried alive. You want to scream for help but the crush of your burial silences you. It felt so futile to cry out for something no one could change, few understood, and something we could barely begin to comprehend. There were two things that gave us solace in those first weeks. One, we knew we did EVERYTHING we could do; I have never once thought back to a missed opportunity to try something else. And two, he was no longer suffering. We reminded each other of that daily for a very long time. We also knew we had to be functional parents for our remaining children and to function meant to NOT break down constantly in front of them.

For the past two years, this blog has been a place where I have come to make and find peace with Samuel' s lifetime. Seems like it will continue in that direction for quite some time yet. There is not one aspect of my life today that remains unaffected by Samuel's being in it, or Samuel's absence, that's for certain. Something we learned all too well during Samuel's lifetime was to separate our emotions from the situation on hand so we could do what had to be done no matter what it was. For example, if you wanted to be present with your child for a procedure in the ICU, you had better be stoic or you'll be thrown out. Or better yet, learn to do whatever needed to be done yourself no matter how awful you think it really is. We were able to compartmentalize a lot of aspects of Samuel's care in this fashion because we believed it minimized the trauma he experienced if we were always there with him, or actively participating in his care...hence, the ICU at home among other things. And there were times, when caregivers were new to us, that we taught them things--especially at the end. This blog has become my compartment to file away this trauma bit by bit while I continue to learn to live without him. It's like the "dumping ground." Traumatic things lose their power over me when they are shared without sugar coating. You know I have never been one to sugar coat anything; probably the queen of TMI. Getting these things out on paper continues to be the outlet that allows me to function "normally" as a mother and wife IRL.

Anyway......

Right after Samuel went to Heaven, the flashbacks were overwhelming and I was a slave to them. They came and went whenever they pleased and took me all sorts of places I didn't want to go. I didn't feel like I had any control over them at all until I started to ask God what He wanted me to do with them. That changed everything as I realized that He had a purpose for each one of them. He began to speak to me, to lead me here and there, and slowly and painfully, I began to file them away. I made peace with each flash that came up. I didn't run from them. I did not self-medicate. I did not drink myself into oblivion. I did not deny the memories or pretend they didn't happen. I did not lie to myself about how awful things really were. I allowed God to "heal" the memories and in doing so, He continues to mend my heart. Today, I like to call them "God filtered flashbacks" because they are filtered with an eternal perspective. They are filtered flashes of the love we shared, even in the worst of circumstances. It's amazing how those flashes have transformed into good memories. Only the Lord could do something like that and I can tell you today that all the hard work of dealing with these pieces of trauma as they come up has been worth every tear shed in the process.

The period of time "between births" this year was certainly intense. Much more intense than 2009. It is always in times of great sorrow that the largest spiritual growth occurs and I actually felt like I needed a breather for awhile after this period of time just to take it all in. At times, Samuel felt so close.......and yet so far away. As May 7th came to a close, I found that by 9pm that night, I was ready to have a melt down. Like I was reliving just a portion of that night all over again. Not the miserable pain he was in. Not the things we said but the fact that it was indeed his last night here. I actually felt guilty at 9pm because I could go to bed uninterrupted. I felt guilty because I was about to sleep away the last hours of his life on earth, as if he was somehow still here. I felt like I should stay up but I knew that was completely irrational. I went to bed but woke several times to look at the clock and remember. What I remember most is that I did not want to miss his exit from Earth to Heaven. I was so afraid I might sleep right through it and wake up and find him gone. Thankfully, I didn't sleep through it and I remembered pieces of that too. I woke up May 8th at about that exact time and later got up to relive the first day without him. May 8th, 2008, was filled with all the things we had to do. Clean up, make arrangements, do laundry, etc, etc. It was so much to take in that I obviously didn't take it all in. So May 8th, 2010, I relived the first day without him here. His body lay on the couch just like it had the many days before it but instead of him watching cartoons and coloring, the news was on and he was dead. That felt so wrong. Instead of me doing this or that for him, I could no longer do anything for him but wait for the funeral home to pick up his body. That was wrong too. I remembered what the warm sun felt like without him here to enjoy it as I went outside on that day. Awkward. Wrong. Awful. Like the life was sucked out of me as well. Numbness and hurt all mixed together. I felt burned and raw all at the same time. I remembered the kids going about their normal day because they had already learned to live without him while I was lost. There was nowhere I could go to get away from any of it. Nothing that made it better. The waste and worthlessness of the worldly junk has never been more evident. Whenever we tried to do something, I always asked, "Does it help?""Nothing helped. It felt like we woke up from one nightmare just to enter into a different one. It's called the aftermath. And like the trauma that we somehow got used to living with on a daily basis, we're getting used to the aftermath as well. I still wake up every single morning and remember Samuel isn't here. It's not new. It's not as shocking as it once was. It's just always there. Every morning, without fail.

On May 6th, 2008, when I realized Samuel wasn't waking up on his own and we had intended for him to get platelets, I called Mark at work to find out what he wanted me to do. Wake him up anyway? Or just let him sleep? We did not want his final farewell to be as he was bleeding out, but we also did not want to make another trip to the hospital if that would be even harder than him just sleeping to eternity. Mark told me to try to wake him up, to assess if he would even wake up, and then if he did, to ask him what he wanted to do. So I tried to rouse him and he was just so zonked that he barely responded. I asked him if he wanted to get platelets or just sleep. He said nothing, didn't even stir. I told him that if he got platelets, that meant he could probably stay with us a few more days. If not, he would go to Heaven sooner. When I said that, he woke right up and said he wanted to get platelets and then fell back to sleep. I asked him how I was going to take him in and out when he was just so tired not expecting an answer but then he sat up and said, "Take me in my stroller." He then started to cry saying, "It's not fair," which pretty much broke whatever was remaining of my heart. We cried together until he passed out again. It was a very hard day especially after he spoke that. Up until that moment, he never really complained about what seemed to be his fate at that time. He never shed a tear about going to Heaven while the rest of us did. I did often, right into his chest. He too, learned to be stoic, to do what had to be done to make things easier "for us." So these words have always made my heart ache when I recall them right up until this last week when the Lord helped me understand why he said them. Samuel wasn't saying it wasn't fair that he could not stay here with us, he was saying it wasn't fair that WE could not go with him to Heaven.

For his entire sickness, we held each other up. His ability to cope with physical trauma well kept our heads on straight enough to do what had to be done. Our ability and desire to do for him what many wouldn't, couldn't and in our minds, shouldn't, helped him cope with the unthinkable. He knew in those final days that soon his troubles here would be over. He knew his pain would end, and that only good things would follow for eternity. He also knew that to get to that place, he would have to leave us. We had multiple conversations about how we could not go with him. And so he knew he wasn't going to be here to help us cope with the aftermath. He knew how much we loved him. He knew how much he meant to everyone around him. He also knew how much we hurt about everything that happened to him because in the end, we were less than stoic about it. He knew and he said that THAT wasn't fair. He wanted our nightmare to end too. He wanted us to go to Heaven with him so we could all enjoy his healing together.

That revelation into his heart blows me away and that is what I call a "God filtered flashback." What the devil meant for evil, God will use for His Glory. And as you all are aware, Samuel has found a way to hold me up, even from Heaven. It still blows me away that this is even possible, but obviously anything is possible with God so I don't know why I am constantly surprised. I live a different life now than I ever have before because I know I can do nothing apart from the Lord and I don't want to. He holds me up above something that was too awful, that went on much too long, and was beyond explanation, beyond horrible and beyond words. God filtered flashbacks fill me with so much of Samuel's love that what I end up feeling isn't sadness, but God given joy that transforms everything which was wrong. They leave me wondering what He will show me next and asking how it could possibly be better than the last golden nugget. But, it always is and THAT is what keeps me going, smiling and living on earth even though I so long to be with Samuel in Heaven. I thank Him for that daily.

Born to Love

In true Jesus style, the song gift from Sunday night has become a new and glorious still unfolding revelation about Samuel's life. Ephesians 3:20 says that Jesus is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think. I use this scripture as a barometer to check to see if a sign, gift, or revelation is indeed from God or a figment of my imagination. It it touches depths of my heart I didn't even know existed, I know it is from Him. If it addresses hundreds of thoughts, emotions and questions simultaneously, I know it is from Him. If it settles my heart, brings a new peace and understanding all while warming my eyes, I know it is from Him. If, in all these things, it teaches me more about His heart, I know it is from Him. Looking solely to Him for comfort and answers is perhaps one of the greatest lessons I have learned and am still learning since Samuel left. There is only one Savior of the World and Jesus is He. I am reminded of this fact each time I feel as if I am falling back into the pit of sorrow and call out to Him for help. He has never disappointed and if anything, I have been overwhelmed by His love and intimate knowledge of who I am, how I tick and what truly comforts my heart.

Yesterday was my Mother's Day. May 5th. The day Samuel proved everyone wrong once again. This was the day our caregivers ramped his pain med dosage up to large animal quantities and assured me that he would get so comfortable that he would just go to sleep and not wake up. None of these conversations ever took place away from his ears. He was always listening. Even if I was in another room, he always heard. For years he listened to people prophecy what his body would do next and for years he did just the opposite. May 5, 2008 was the greatest example of this. He heard me call his Dad and tell him to come home immediately so he could be here for as long as it would be before he went to sleep permanently. He heard me call my Mom. He heard me tell his siblings. He heard me cry .......even through his own cries, even through his pain, he felt mine. He wasn't going to leave like that. He knew how much that would hurt me and so he chose not to. On May 5th, he sat himself up on the couch where he had spent days lying and colored eight pictures. When I asked who each one was for, he said, "It's for you." All eight of them. Usually when he colored pictures, they were mainly his. All these from this day were for me. And rather than dwelling on sorrow and loss, he smiled, laughed and played with each sibling which prompted me to take out my camera and do what I swore I would not do: take pictures of him while his body was failing him. He sat up as straight as he could and smiled and posed just like it was a normal day except that it wasn't. His body was dying and yet he was radiant. As if the glory of the Lord was already upon him. It strengthened him.

At nap time, he just played right through and for this day, it was as if death relented. I could almost pretend "it" wasn't going to happen. My bursting heart was relieved for this very short span of time. I wanted to freeze those moments. I wanted to memorize every second of it. I wanted more days like this. But this day was short lived.

May 6th came.  He got up at his usual time, 6AM.  He wanted me to help him sit on the floor so he could color this last picture for me.  Then he asked me to help him get back on the couch and proceeded to fall asleep.  After about an hour, I started to think he wasn't going to wake up because he was so peacefully sleeping.  I didn't want to wake him because I didn't want him to wake up and hurt.   He slept through driving to Tacoma to get platelets, through lunch and dinner, right up until midnight at which point, he wanted to watch TV, but after May 5th, there was never another glory day for him here.  It was back to misery.

As I spent some time reflecting on that "Mother's Day" I thought over and over: short lived. I got up this morning and felt the same let down I felt on May 6th when I realized that the reprieve from death was over. There will always be a May 6th, a May 7th, and a May 8th following my Mother's Day. I was surprised to read that I wrote these exact words "short lived" in the journal on this day. Everything good on this earth for Samuel was always hard fought and short lived.

I have often thought back to 2004 and all those crises piling up and asked, "How did he survive? Why did he want to?" Especially when so many were convinced he would die even then and had no problem saying so within his earshot. It would have been easier for him to die. And later when we brought him home in July 2004, how did he overcome all that was still against him? Namely, his whole physical body that wasn't working. I remember thinking, " Will he ever walk? Will he ever talk? How will he ever be Samuel again after all this? " It seemed like there was so much to overcome that it just wasn't possible. The work it would entail on Samuel's part would be endless. And yet, he overcame all of it just to find more trials and tribulations. He just kept going. He kept smiling. He kept overcoming. Even in those final days, he defied so many expectations. Why? When it would have been easier just to go to sleep and never wake up again, why?

When children die, people always ask why. It's always tragic. Such a waste of possibilities. In the journal for this week I wrote that with Samuel's death, someone will be cheated out of a best friend, a husband, a daddy, and whatever else he might have been here. We fully believe that God has a plan for EVERY life on this earth but what exactly was His plan for children who die? What was His plan for Samuel? To be born, to get cancer, to needlessly suffer, and die? The devil would surely have you think so. This is not the God I am coming to know.

God has a good plan for every human on earth whether they know it, whether they walk it out, or choose not to. It's there for the taking. Some people are born to live long and prosperous lives reaching many with the love of Jesus.. Some are born to inspire others through a quiet well-lived life. Some to educate. Some to be mothers and fathers raising up godly children in a very ungodly world. Some to travel the world as God's hands and feet. God has something for everyone, even the littlest of children whose lives here seem short lived and easily forgotten. Samuel wasn't born to get cancer nor prove it could be cured. He wasn't born to suffer and die in vain as many would think upon glazing over his short lived life. Samuel was born to do one of the most important things.

Samuel was born to love.

I am willing to bet that countless other children whose lives were short lived on this earth were also born to love.

1 Corinthians 13 in no uncertain terms says you can spend your life doing the most amazing things for others and "for God" but if you don't possess God's love in your heart, you have profited nothing. Tons of people do "godly" things with wrong motivation and that is the heart of this chapter. Further, it warns that every amazing deed, knowledge, or work will one day pass away and all that will remain is love which is again, why if you don't have it, you have nothing.

Every single question I have asked myself about how Samuel did what he did, or why he chose to go on when dying would have been the easier choice, can be answered with one word.

Love.

Verses 4-8 of this chapter say Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love endures all things. Love never dies. These verses describe Samuel's spirit perfectly. But there's more to it than just that and this is where the new revelation comes in. Samuel didn't have to learn about godly love, he was born with it. Nobody had to tell him love was THE most important aspect of this life on earth, he just knew it. He lived his entire life here motivated by his love for us.

Samuel was definitely knit together differently than the majority of us. I knew there was something about him that was different from the moment he was born but I could never really put my finger on it until now.   He was born knowing how to love.  He stole my heart from day 1. Loving him was effortless and that love only grew stronger and stronger with time.   One day I know this is how I will explain to my children why I knew Samuel was my special boy and why our love was so strong.

Children are often the very opposite of godly love and it is our job as parents to teach them God's ways and about God's love so that one day they will be responsible adults and parents.  It's no easy task and motherhood today is very undervalued. Probably one of the biggest "droppings of the ball" generationally speaking, is that the older women have stopped teaching the younger women about godly love and families. I submit to you Titus 2:4 which instructs older women to teach the younger women HOW to love their children and husbands as God commands. There is a serious lack of older women teaching younger women in this age and I realize how tragic that is every time I talk to one of my few elders. If elder people are supposed to be put above us to teach us how to love others, obviously godly love is something that does not come naturally and we should be learning it on a continual basis from birth to eldership.

Samuel, as I learned this week, was "born to love." God's plan for his life was to teach us His most important lesson by being our example. When I think his life on earth was short lived, I remind myself of his incredible love for us -- for me most especially. Love that is not short lived. The things he did "for me." The things he STILL does "for me." I don't know of any other human (excluding Jesus) who would love me enough to go through all he went through. Even two years later, it's still overwhelming to think about all he overcame to stay here "for me." Because he loved me. Because he didn't want his mama to cry for him, to hurt for him, or be broken into pieces over all he has suffered. All of these things still happened but he did everything he could to change what he could change even when that meant he would have to sit up as straight as he could, smile, and force himself to be happy "for me" for one last Mother's Day, even though going to sleep and dying would have been easier.

I know in my heart that I have never experienced a stronger love than Samuel's on this earth; probably never will again. That kind of love changes you. It will take you places you never thought you'd go. It will help you do things you never thought you'd do. Everything worldly pales in comparison. That kind of love is worth risking everything for. That kind of love came from God alone and serves to remind me of the way Jesus loves us all every day. Amazing. Why I was chosen to be Samuel's mother, I will never know, but I continue to thank God for that honor every single day. Being his mother was exceedingly abundantly above anything I could imagine, think or ask for.

Samuel was born to love.  I will never tire of telling you about his love.  In the end, it's all that matters.  Somehow, by God's grace, he knew that.