Toni Erickson

Toni Erickson, my beloved midwife, relocated to Heaven on Good Friday which was also the first night of Passover.  I, of course, find this symbolic of her life and quite fitting.  Her obituary is here. 

              
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Dearest Toni,

Some might find my writing you now that you are with Jesus odd as they will assume I am too late and you will never be able to read these words.  I know nothing could be farther from the truth.  I have Samuel to thank for that.  Please thank him in person for me, will you? 

It is so comforting to know that you are no longer suffering but are now rejoicing.  I imagine your reward is well beyond my comprehension.  I only know of what you have done for me.  You came into my life at a place where it seemed as if everything was falling apart.  In what should have been a joyous occasion, all I was surrounded with was doubt, frowning faces and dis-ease.   I remember feeling like a caged animal at the "mercy" of it's captors.  I felt like I had no good choices for care during my pregnancy and didn't deserve any.  It was Mark's sister who suggested I contact you.  For that, I will always be grateful though I know she was only half-serious.  As I said, our "support" was half-hearted at best.  I was 15 weeks along when I called your office/home and left a message.  I truly did not know what to expect.  I know I did not expect what I got from you which was compassion, joy, excitement and most of all love.

I was sitting in the bathtub when you called.  Mark was working nights and I was alone.  I'll never forget you being so excited to meet me wanting me to see you before my next OB appt but never pressuring me to make a decision.  I knew I'd choose you within only a few moments of our conversation.   Meeting you just confirmed this decision for Mark. 

I remember us coming to your house.  It was much easier for me than going to the doctor's office for a variety of reasons but most of which came back to you being you.  The environment of your home was peaceful and joyous.  That was all I truly needed.   Mark and I were both immediately at ease and at home in your home.  You treated us as if we were your long lost children never blinking an eye at how we had only been married a few weeks and did not plan on this pregnancy.  It was water under the bridge.   Any concerns Mark had about the pregnancy, the prenatal care or the home birth were eased at this first visit with you.  Your excitement for us was infectious and we both could not help but to steal some of your joy for us and call it our own.  You changed the direction of our lives on that day.  You showed us the love and compassion of Jesus and that changed everything.  For me personally, you rescued me from a dangerous pit of despair which would soon lead to disaster.  I don't know if you knew that.  I am betting you know the full story now, possibly better than I.

I looked forward to visiting you.  In fact, I loved being pregnant because that meant I got to see you more often than when I wasn't.  I know you probably got that a lot.  How many times did you tell me that if I'd keep having babies, you'd keep delivering them?    When you retired, I began to have dreams that I got pregnant and had to look for another midwife.  These were not good dreams.

Mark has stated on many occasions that our homebirths are some of his most pride-filled moments.  I know that our homebirths bonded us together as a couple and solidified our relationship in a way that nothing else could.  We needed that bond and trust in each other in order to care for Samuel.  He needed parents who could always be on the same page and do the hard things.  We have you to thank for helping us become those people.

I always appreciated your honesty and integrity. I could ask you the hard questions and you'd answer them.  If you disagreed with a choice I or another made, you had no problem saying so.   In so many respects you were like my Delma, have you met her yet?  I have always told Mark that while he only met Delma very briefly, he got to know her through knowing you.  Thank you for that.  Not having you here is like losing another Delma in my life.  It is such a great loss.  I can only imagine the pain of your own family as they grieve for you.

I will never forget you sharing with me some of the pain of having the babies you helped deliver die, whether stillborn, or due to defects that made life outside the womb impossible.  I would ask you how you got through that and you said you and the mom cried the whole time but you got through it.  I tear up just remembering this.  I think of the last days of Samuel's life, people asking me how I got through that and I say that I cried the whole time but I did what had to be done for him.  The day after he died you told Mark and I that we were heroes because of the level of care we were able to provide to Samuel.  I learned a bit of this "heroism" from you.  Because you weren't afraid to share the hardest things and you weren't afraid to feel them deeply either.  This is something that moves my heart more than anything else on this earth.  I thank you for being able to do this.  I know it is a rare person who can.   Thank you for showing me it could be done before I needed to do it.

A bit after Samuel died, I called you up to ask if death of loved ones ever got any easier, you know seeing as how you had more life experience than I.  You said that they were all equally hard.  It never got easier.  For you, the comfort came from knowing that you were getting older and would soon join them.  Of course, that was a "comfort" I did not have knowing I could potentially live several more decades before seeing Samuel again but I was both happy and sad to know that a death is grievous no matter how old one lives to be. 

You shared that you believed it was an easier life to live for a very intensely sick person that it was for their caregivers who had to helplessly watch them suffer.  It's hard to know Samuel's sufferings and believe this but I trust you as I know you spoke that to me from direct experience.   I know these days will be so painful for your family as they process the emotions of relief that you are not suffering and sorrow that you are now gone.  I don't envy them that.  I do know that it is easier for me to live now knowing Samuel is no longer suffering and safe in Heaven than it was to live knowing he was here and often miserable day after day, year after year.  I have reconciled these emotions.  Relief won.  I loved him enough to want him to live free.  I still miss him of course, but I know he is just a thought away.  Closer to me now than ever.  Just as you are now.

You shared with me that you believed Christians get a chance to decide whether to stay on Earth, or go on to Heaven as you'd had this experience earlier in life.  This comforted me knowing that it sure seemed like Samuel, in his final moments was trying to decide this for himself.  In many ways, I think this was a hard decision for him.  Probably just as hard as it must have been for you.  He knew how much we loved him.  He know how much we needed him.  I know you would have known these feelings as well.  But in the end, he made a wise choice.  A choice that spared him and us more suffering.  Suffering of the Earthly kind.  Suffering the unknowns of a disease with no real cure.  Suffering watching him suffer.   Heaven was the only cure for that and I know you both knew that.  Still I know your hearts were torn between staying and going......

The pain of separation is hideous most especially at first.  We all know it.  We all fear it.   John 11:21-27 records Martha's reaction to Lazarus's death:

Martha then said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.  Even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You.”  

Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” 

Martha said to Him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” 

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” 

She said to Him, “Yes, Lord; I have believed that You are the Christ, the Son of God, even He who comes into the world.”


What Jesus said to Martha, that HE was the resurrection and the life, that those who believe in Him would NEVER die.  That those who believe in Him would NEVER see the grave. That even if their body died, that person is instantly with Him and NOT dead is a promise that was fulfilled with Passover.    This is why I find it so fitting that your exodus to heaven was on the first night of Passover week.  It is a wonderful reminder that though your body has died, you are with Jesus and more alive now than ever on Earth.   Toni, I pray your loved ones are convinced of this already so that the pain of separation will be eased by this knowledge.   This knowledge is how I live without Samuel and how I will now live without you. 

To close and say "I love you" simply does not justice to the way I feel about you.  Certainly, a good majority of the kindest words ever spoken to me or about me came from your mouth.  Those words are treasured more than treasure so I am at a loss to express my deepest love to you now.  I am certain that there are better words for my hearts utterances there than here.  Perhaps Samuel or Delma can speak them to you and give you a Heavenly hug in my place.  Will you check on me once in awhile?  I'd like that.  I always wished I was your daughter. 

Will keep your family in my prayers.

With all my heart, all my admiration, all my love and all my gratitude.  Jen

Perfection

As I was walking by a very large church, I glanced up at the doors and saw a woman standing there. As soon as she saw me looking at her, she motioned me in. She was full of smiles and very kind so I decided to take her up on the invite. As I walked through the big outer doors, I was surprised that once inside, I didn't find a huge sanctuary but instead an open outdoor area garden with a gold railing around it. A hallway with multiple rooms ran around the outer perimeter of the inner garden. My escort allowed me to lead her as I walked by each door peeking my head in to see what was going on in each room. Each room had a different church service going on inside it and it seemed like my escort was waiting on me to pick the service that most interested me. From the street, I would have never guessed that this huge church was actually housing for all these different little rooms where there was literally something for everyone. I was drawn into a room where people were singing and dancing for Jesus. I recognized the song and wanted to be a part of this worship service. My escort offered to find me a seat but I didn't want to disturb the people. I motioned to the wall space and told her I would just stand at the back. Just after we entered, the music changed to a song I didn't recognize and I noticed that the people who were once standing sat down to watch a certain woman who was in the middle of the room. She had so much joy singing and dancing for Jesus that she didn't even notice she had suddenly become a spectacle to this congregation. The band continued to play and the people seemed to be mesmerized by this woman's worship. I tried to catch the words of the song that she sang but I was as caught up in what she was doing as everyone else was so I just watched in amazement. I had never seen anything like this in church before. She was dressed in silks of many vivid colors that seemed to glisten as she danced. She wasn't obnoxious, but glorious and everyone noticed. She sang words that were somehow muffled in my ears but seemingly in tune but I never heard them clearly. That did not detract from her radiance. She had a joy that was infectious and it appeared to me that the world going to hell in a hand basket just outside the doors was not a concern for her. She was untouched by the cares outside the doors of this place. I wanted what she had. I wanted that kind of joy and carefree abandon that she had. The song ended and she disappeared from my sight but I knew I wanted to meet her. I asked my escort, "Who is that woman?" The escort told me that she didn't know who she was, only that this woman only shows up when this particular song was sung, and then left when it was over. To her knowledge, nobody knew who she was.

I asked my escort, "What song was that?"

"It's called "Perfection,"" she replied.

That word echoed over and over in my mind and I was compelled to try to find this woman who was now gone. Only a minute or two had passed since the song ended so I left my escort and hurried outside knowing that I wouldn't be able to miss someone dressed the way she was. As soon as I was out the big doors, I walked very quickly up and down the street looking in every direction seeing no one who resembled this woman. Disappointed, I walked back by the church front and as I glanced at the big doors, I saw my escort once again standing there. She was smiling a huge knowing smile and in the moment, I knew.

That woman I saw and was searching for had been me.

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And then I woke up.
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March has been a whirlwind of days, many that I hope to soon forget but am certain that they will remain etched into my spirit regardless. Between birthdays, death dates, milestone days I should not have needed to recognize, sad news and Passover (which is it's own bittersweet anniversary), I feel like I have traveled a very bumpy road and need a break from myself. We all know that won't happen because April is another month of days (pun intended) and so is May. March, April and May are a trifecta of the grief emotional roller coaster in overdrive. I am really ready to ditch this ride and see if by doing so, the roller coaster will crash and burn. I am sick of it. That said, it is always in the lowest of moments that God shows me my heart, renews my spirit and lights my path. Sorrow is always a place of intense spiritual growth if you allow God to work on your heart.

I had my 37th birthday last week and birthdays for me are always a time where I ask God, "Who am I and why am I here," type questions. Some days I just feel like I am wasting my "talents." Talents that were born out of Samuel's saga. Faith that was born out of adversity. Faith that grew mightily out of miracles and faith that expounded even further when prayers were not answered the way I wanted. I feel like I need to be doing something......something more than I am doing now. I ask myself, "Am I living to please myself or to please God?" I am fully aware that living to please oneself will become a fruitless pursuit of elusive mirages. I don't want to ever fall into this trap and I seriously doubt I will. But by the same token, I feel like I am spinning my wheels ready to race the good race for God but not knowing where to start, or what I can do given that I am stranded at home five days a week. Being stranded didn't bother me nearly as much when Samuel was here because I had a lot to do. His absence leaves giant blocks of time still unused when I consider how much I used to get done in a day and the immense satisfaction I had for doing it. God has allowed me to do a lot in my life. Things I wouldn't have picked, would not have dreamed of doing, and today would not choose to trade with anyone. Many days were hard and those days were often the most blessed because I knew I was living out His Will. I've had my downtime. I've had my rest. I am ready to get up and go again. So, as a result of this line of questioning, I have had several "aha" moments with God this last month and feel like I know what He wants me to do with my life in the coming years. None of it makes any sense with the direction the world is going in. He'll need to do some major door opening to pave the way though as well as lay some things on Mark's heart because I can do nothing without his involvement. But, God created the world and He owns everything in it so if what is currently in my heart is His Will, I know all I have to do is say yes and have the faith to wait on His provision. I have done that knowing that the greatest blessings, the most joyous joys are only experienced when you say to Him, "Not my will, but Yours." This is one of the greatest lessons from our Lord Jesus during Passover. If God's Son submitted to God, how much more then should we? When Paul spoke of us presenting our bodies as a living sacrifice to God in Romans 12:1, he said it was our reasonable service in exchange for the grace He has afforded us through the sacrifice of His Son. If somebody died to save your life, or even more simply, when a loved one dies, a reasonable person will honor their memory in some very unique way. This is not an unreasonable request from our Lord, to honor the sacrifice of His Son by seeking to do His will while on this earth.


Last year at this time, I was heavily dreading April. I had been dreading it for months but when it came, the Lord turned April into a month of great joy. He allowed Samuel to visit me and the joy from that visitation carried me through every anniversary with many more smiles than tears. Samuel hasn't been around for awhile and I remind myself as all these anniversaries come and go that Heaven has no time, or at least doesn't record time like we do. Samuel's visits have never corresponded with anniversaries but instead have corresponded with what has been in my heart. I don't know what triggers him to come near, only that it is always a welcome surprise when it does happen. That said, it seems like he has been very busy up there because he hasn't been very near at all. And yes, that is tending to make me feel a little more sorrow as the time between my feeling his spirit grows longer. And after what this March has brought to bear, I have been dreading April. Yesterday morning, the first of April, I woke up from the dream I shared above and trust me, the Lord got my attention. He hasn't spoken a word to me so powerfully before but it continues to echo and echo and echo in my head because it's just so odd.


Perfection.


Perfection by it's oldest definition means something which is complete — which contains all the requisite parts; something which is so good that nothing of the kind could be better; or something which has attained its purpose


I am no perfectionist. At least not by the world's standards. I know that there will be nothing perfect on this earth until the Lord stands on it. Striving for worldly perfection is useless and I refuse to waste my time trying. So, the Lord giving me the word, "perfection," did at first seem like April Fools because He knows I find perfectionists very annoying. He also knows that I would attribute such a strong word to Him alone.



Perfection is a word for Heaven in my book. Perfection is something God does. Perfection is something we have to look forward to when we are with Him. Samuel is now perfection. I am not. True perfection is not something we can attain on this earth by ourselves and it has nothing to do with what the world calls perfect. Godly perfection is having every aspect of your life rooted and grounded in God's love and that is what we are to be pursuing daily because NO ONE is perfect here. Perfection is becoming more like Jesus daily. He is perfection. Perfection is divine love. This whole week of Passover is about our Lord's perfect sacrifice because God so loved the World and desperately wanted all His children in right relationship with Him. Is there a love stronger than one which would suffer and die for another? In that respect, I am not surprised that He would say "perfection" during these Holy Days. I am surprised He would say it to me.

I don't know what it means. To my knowledge (and quick research), there is no worship song called "Perfection." Secular, yes. Religious, no. That doesn't surprise me because as a Christian, I have not seen perfection and I am not sure anyone on earth could write a religious song about it and do it any justice. I have an idea of what perfection might be like but mainly because I know what it is not. But I've not seen it. Only those who have seen God have seen perfection. Only those who have died and gone to Heaven have seen perfection. Some of those dead were then revived and could not even find the right words to describe Heaven and feared nobody would even believe them. So, I would say, we truly have no clue what perfection is. What I do know is that He has my full attention on this and by drawing my attention back up to Him, I am suddenly getting that break I wanted from myself here on earth. That's a good thing.

Perfection? Tell me more.

Not my will, but Yours, Lord. Amen.

Dayenu

Dayenu is a Jewish song traditionally sung on Passover to thank God for His "more than enough" provisions. Dayenu in Hebrew means "it would have been enough," or "It would have been sufficient."

These are the words to the song.

Five Stanzas of Leaving Slavery
1) If He had brought us out of Egypt.2) If He had executed justice upon the
Egyptians.3) If He had executed justice upon their gods.4) If He had slain their
first born.5) If He had given to us their health and wealth

Dayenu.

Five Stanzas of Miracles
6) If He had split the sea for us.7) If He had led us
through on dry land.8) If He had drowned our oppressors.9) If He had provided
for our needs in the wilderness for 40 years.10) If He had fed us manna.

Dayenu.

Five Stanzas of Being With God
11) If He had given us Shabbat.12) If He had led
us to Mount Sinai.13) If He had given us the Torah.14) If He had brought us into
the Land of Israel.15) He built the Temple for us.

Dayenu.

One of the nicest things about this trip was leaving all the ties that bind behind and getting out into His Creations and letting Him be Himself. Not the God we try to box in with religious junk. Not the God we think we know but don't. The God I met on this trip was a Daddy delighting in His daughter. I was a child again and He was the Father my father never wanted or knew how to be. And that would have been enough...........but there was so much more and it is going to take another few days to share it. I am still basking in it.

I feel like I need to insert Dayenu right here in between these Treasure Trip entries. I sure did not want to come home. I didn't want it to end. It was actually quite sad to have to come home. And it is not because I didn't think I got enough because I got more than enough. I was sad to come back to the reminders of the past. I was sad to return to what I expect to return to. It was nice to go somewhere full of dayenu and I appreciated it. I knew it was dayenu and the Lord just kept pouring out the blessings. It was a special trip and now it is back to "life on earth." The farther I got from this house, the better I felt. I realized that I could walk away from this place and never look back and never miss it. Returning to this house after a dayenu trip wasn't quite like going back to the chains, but it was close. We really need to get out of this house and like everyone else, because of the economy, we are basically stuck now more than ever. Going home really made me realize how much this house is bringing me down. It has for years, that is no secret.

About ten years ago when Kaysha and Daniel were ages 3 and 1 respectively, we rented a beach house on the Oregon Coast. It was one of those dayenu trips as well. I videotaped parts of this trip and on the last night I said over and over, "Oh, I cannot believe we have to go back to that old box." The kids laugh about the "old box" now. The "old box" was a reference to a mobile home we lived in prior to coming to this house. It was a two bedroom less than 1000sq. feet trailer. While we had a much nicer yard there than here, we were bursting at the seams in that house. On top of that, we had a drug dealer move in next door so had steady traffic from 3pm-3am. It was ridiculous with the culmination of that being when one of the drunk druggies backed his van into our house. Yes, you read that right. Anyway, after this dayenu trip to OR, within a year, we moved to this house. We thought we were forever stuck in that trailer as well but God made a way for us to get out. And for the record, I loved this place right up until Samuel's diagnosis. Him dying here was just frosting on the disgusting cake. So while I am thankful that after all of that, we even still have a house, I pray that God will make another way for us to get out where there seems no way. I think a "fresh" start would really do me good. This trip proved that.

I believe this is why God doesn't allow humans to live in His Glory 24/7/365. It is way too hard to go back to life on earth after an experience like that. It makes you long to be in Heaven.

Samuel lives in this Glory every day only he doesn't have to ever return to "earth life." I have always known in my head that he is having fun up there but I believe in my heart that I had the opportunity to experience the kind of fun he has and that he was fully part of it. I have often asked God to show me what Samuel does for fun up there and I believe I got a taste of it. Only a fool would want that to end.

So Lord, here is my thanks to you. Just taking the trip to these places I have always wanted to have the time to come back to would have been enough. Just taking special care of my dogs by leaving them bones would have been enough. Just visiting Ruby Beach and finding the stars would have been enough. Just finding that dino egg rock and sea star crowing the castle would have been enough. Just knowing Samuel was part of it would have been enough. But, You are about more than enough.

This trip was my Dayenu. Blessing upon blessing. I felt like it was a dress rehearsal for another life yet to be lived. Who am I that the Lord of the Universe would care this much for me? I'll try to be worthy.

Dayenu, Lord, Dayenu!
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Anniversaries

Mark and I attended our church's Passover Seder with about 900 other people. The majority of them, we did not know. We ended up sitting at a table with several couples older than us. At some point during the dinner, the ladies were showing each other their wedding rings each talking about how long they had been married, then going on to discuss all the places they have vacationed, etc. When our turn came up, we had very little to add to the conversation. I didn't think they wanted to hear about our three month "vacation" at Children's Hospital and Mark hadn't bought me some huge expensive piece of jewelry to show off either. It was a little awkward especially considering that we had made a special trip to pray for a child being taken off life support right before coming to the dinner. That and Samuel's "Passover" weekend were firmly planted in my mind. The conversation about worldly things seemed very trivial to me and I cannot imagine a day when those kinds of things would be my conversation starters. The couples kindly asked how long we had been married to ease the awkward moment and we both had to stop and add it up. 13 years? Are you kidding me? Is that all? It is 13 years today. The saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" applies very heavily. Mark and I have always been the best of friends and throughout our marriage, we have always done everything together working as a team. I feel like a complete person when we are together. There is no one else I would want to live the "good life" with and no one else I would want to live through a tragedy with. There is no other person on earth I trust more and no friend who is better. The Lord has blessed us with each other and my only complaint is that I didn't meet Mark about five years earlier. That would have saved me a lot of trouble and wasted time, LOL! We did tell the couples we were sitting with at the dinner that we both would like to go to Israel at some point. Strangely, Mark and I were there together once in my dreams and we had a great time. I hope that dream is a foreshadowing of what God has planned for us.

Last year, on this calendar weekend, I signed the DNR for Samuel and knew in my spirit that without another miracle from God, it was over. A part of Mark and I died on that weekend. We spent our 12th anniversary preparing ourselves for the "end of life decisions" yet to come. As April 2009 approached, I figured that this calendar weekend would be one of the worst to endure as far as anniversaries go, but we had a wonderful weekend. I rarely thought about the hospital scenes at all focusing instead upon the amazing things we were allowed to do for him on earth and trying to imagine the things he might be doing now. I bet he will have some huge surprises for us when we see him again. I realized that I would have never been able to feel the peace I have if Samuel hadn't first appeared to Mark to say, "It is okay." Before that happened, I spent months asking God if Samuel thought it was okay; his life here I mean. Was it okay now that he was in Heaven? Was it all somehow worth it? I couldn't figure out how it could be but when Samuel said it was, I haven't asked that question ever since. Truly understanding that he is living such an amazing life now also helps tremendously. Right before Samuel's diagnosis, Mark had a job interview (for a really good job in which they did call to hire him AFTER Samuel got sick) and they asked him what life accomplishment he was most proud of. His answer then was all of our homebirths. I admit that surprised me since it sure seemed like "I" did all the work there. Mark said the interviewers were a little shocked as well. I believe that if you asked him that same question now, he would say he is most proud of how we took care of Samuel from birth to death. I would say the same I thought a lot this weekend about how God allowed us be so fundamentally involved in Samuel's care and there is a lot of satisfaction in thinking back to all the things we were able to accomplish. One thing in particular enters my thoughts often. Back in July 2004, I ended a journal update saying that I just prayed that Samuel would wake up the next day and say, "Good morning, Mama." That, after months of him not being able to speak at all and we were given little hope that it would change. It even felt awkward to write it. And the next day, we were strangely awakened by Samuel who was sleeping in between us excitedly starting to speak. At first in little words and by the end of the day, in complete sentences and it was as if he never lost a beat. The irony of writing it the night before and having it manifest the next day wasn't lost on me. It was like I wrote that into existence and God honored it. It was so awesome and I will never forget it! That was the beginning of many more of those "co-incidences." So I thanked God for allowing us to all the amazing things He let us do for Samuel. I also thanked Him for putting the appreciation for all our efforts into Samuel. The picture now a necklace of his "Three Horn with Jesus in it's Heart" that he made to thank me for helping him get better is one of my most precious possessions.

Our anniversary has certainly been defiled by all the "other anniversaries" that fall on it or around it. Seven years ago today, I was so wishing Samuel would be born today. My midwife commented that he needed his own day. I see that in a new light this year. Samuel was born so close to the day Mark and I made our vows for better or worse and he has always been closest to our hearts. Yet, he was separate from us, was born separate from our day, and is not separated from us and still I know he is right here next to us always. I believe these two days will become precious to us again as time passes and the sting continues to wear off.
We spent Saturday morning at church which is always good for me and sets up any weekend to be a good one. After that, we took the kids and the dogs to Mark's work to play on the beautiful 7 acres that Mark keeps manicured. There is a huge playground and tons of pavement for the kids to ride bikes on. The dogs ran and played and had a great time. I went to pick herbs. Specifically nettles, thuja and dandelions. We stayed a couple hours ending up with Mark and I sitting on the bench he restored last year that rests upon a little hill over looking the yard. It was nice, peaceful and relaxing. One of the hardest things to get used to again has been that we don't have to "rush" everything and everywhere. There was such an urgency about life when Samuel was here that no longer exists although I think it has taken a year without him for us to realize we can slow down. Mark and I long for a house with land. We decided we will take the kids and dogs to visit and play here more often.

Sunday we spent the morning running errands and the kids played with their friends for the afternoon. The weather was nice so I had Mark drop me off at Bud's. I haven't spent much time there yet this year because of the weather and the mud. Bud was very happy to see me and as I walked to the barn, I thought, "this is who I am, this is what I do." For the first time since Bud has arrived here, I let myself remember that, and enjoy it for what seemed like the first time. There was no sorrow in my heart at all.

Bud turned 16 on April 9th. He was born four months after my first horse died. My Mom bought his mom thinking we could each have a horse to ride eventually so we got her in early March. We were boarding Bud's mom and took a poll with the owners of the land for the day Bud would be born. I guessed April 9th. I was so certain that he would be born that I stayed extra long on the 8th watching his mom to see if any signs were there. We got a call at 7am on the 9th to say we had a baby. We were a little shocked and disappointed when Bud didn't have spots. He looks exactly like his dad. I was 20 years old when Bud was born and will always consider him "my firstborn." Mark and I met when Bud was almost a year and a half old and when he saw Bud and I "playing" together, he told me I would be a good mom. I laughed since I had no intentions of having kids.

Anyway, when I went to see Bud this past weekend, I ended up spending an hour brushing off all the dead hair and dirt. When I was done, he was nice and clean and I was filthy. It felt glorious to be filthy! Just like old times. My dad used to pick me up from a day with my horse way back when and ask if I rolled in the dirt while I was there. He never understood my love for animals especially horses. Bud's foot has grown out nicely with the crack being over half way down now

He is due to be trimmed May 1st and that should cut quite a bit off it again. I am so thankful that the Lord has chosen to heal this which no one thought would heal and also found us a farrier whom I consider the best I have ever had. If God hadn't made a way for Bud to get back home last summer, this hoof injury and infection would have taken his life. And so, he is returned to me again, as a comforter. He has been this all along I suppose.
With his boots on, he is good to ride on easy walks and I have been wanting to bring him to the house. Remember when I said that I was going to bring him home and just sit and laugh?

If you have been missing Bud updates and pictures, then you are in Bud Heaven with this update. As I mentioned in a previous update, Bud has been well preserved for me. I have raised and trained him from birth and never has there been an unkind hand that touched him. He is more like a puppy than a horse a lot of the time. But I pretty much stopped riding him from the age of three on after I got pregnant with Kaysha. I spent five three hour days with him right before I got pregnant with Samuel to determined if I wanted to continue boarding him or sell him and save the rent money. I determined that he was still just as special and smart at age nine as he was at three. He ended up being boarded several hours away after Samuel was diagnosed and we did make one trip to see him during Samuel's lifetime. Bud was so sweet even then always knowing us even when years had passed between visits. When we brought him home last summer, it was like an old friend had returned. My kids are excited to learn to ride so are having a hard time understanding that Bud is just "learning" to be ridden himself. It is a half mile trek between where we board him and our house so an easy jaunt. It is fairly residential as you can see so there was a lot of distraction between lawn mowing, kids playing, dogs barking, cars passing and many families we met on the way up who wanted to pet him. I am riding him in a sidepull and have never used a bit with him. My hope is to not have to. I could ride my first horse who died in 1992 completely bareback without even a halter. She knew what I wanted and I could steer with my hands on her neck or face. Course I only did this in the pasture. She would also ground tie anywhere which make it fun to go visit friends who lived nearby. I would just "park" her in the driveway, lay the reins on the ground, and go in. She would patiently wait until I came back. That was a very special horse and quite bombproof. I used to ride her on the shoulder of a busy hiway with no issues. I believe Bud can be that kind of horse with less work than it took me with my first horse. With my first horse, I didn't know how to ride and she was green broke and very spooky. My advantage now is that I do know how to ride and Bud is not near as spooky as my first horse. That and he seems to still learn like a 5 year old, and is not at all set in his ways at age 16. As I rode him back to his home after spending nearly an hour in the driveway meeting the neighbors and our dog Max (again...Max isn't sure if Bud is food or not) I thought, "Well, I will just do this again for awhile. This is who I am. This is what I do."

The sunshine this morning was so wonderful. The kids and I sat outside and drank kefir/fruit smoothies for breakfast. I let the breeze dry my hair. I dare say I enjoyed it. I think we will do it all over again tomorrow. We missed Mark and we missed Samuel of course, but we know they both have work to do. I realized this morning that I might have actually finally put that 100 pound brick down for good. Rest feels good. Peace feels good. May the Lord grant us many more peaceful days to find ourselves again.

And to Mark, my love, my soulmate who completes me and makes me a better person.......it feels like 50 years. It feels like we have never lived apart ever, like there was never a time before we met. I wouldn't have it any other way. You know I don't care about jewelry and I don't care if we ever take an extravagant vacation. I am proud of who we are and what we have done together. We have lived more and done more in 13 years than most do in a lifetime. Our treasures will always be in Heaven. I look forward to what is to come. You will always be my best friend. I love you beyond measure, space and time.

Samuel was here....

I did not have plans to write to you so soon after the last update but I could not let God's goodness go unshared. I was with Samuel Sunday morning....or he was with me, I am not sure which. Only that we were together. It was brief of course, but he gave me a message and filled my spirit with that unspeakable joy I mentioned in my last update.

On Saturday, I heard a commercial on TV where people were singing "Happy Birthday." It was like a sword in the heart where I didn't need any extra holes added. The daily burden is more than enough even keeping things in perspective. It is hard to come to the month this precious baby was born in and not feel the loneliness penetrating my soul in every way I look and in every thing I do. Now that things have come full circle and this will be Samuel's first birthday in which he is not physically here, I have spent a lot of time pondering his birth and how his arrival so blessed our lives. Actually, Samuel's birth was shocking to me in both duration of the labor and the pain I experienced. By many accounts, his birth was quick and easy compared to other's experiences but for me, it took forever. It took three hours to dilate from a 7-10 which for me, is forever. Three very unpleasant hours in which I clawed the walls, strongly considered drowning myself in the tub, and drew every ounce of strength Mark had to give me. He was there, of course, for every birth, but this particular one seemed more hideous in that I really expected Samuel to "fall out." Mark was holding my hand through the whole thing but at one point, let go for a moment. In that moment, I felt so alone, so vulnerable and absolutely unable to go on that I snapped at him to never let go of my hand again. As soon as he had my hand, I was immediately strengthened. I told him, "This is awful. We are NEVER doing this again. Are you praying for me?" I LOL about that sentence and the order of which I blurted it out. It was awful and yet we did do it again. But most importantly, I wanted to know if he was doing THE most important thing....praying.....because I was so literally helpless during those hours of such intense pain. Mark vividly remembers having all his strength sapped from him by me in those hours. The next day, he was quite exhausted and I was on cloud nine feeling great!

I bring this up because often in the midst of desperation, strength is drawn by a loved one's touch. I am not talking about human strength but spiritual strength; the kind that helps you mentally and physically cope and persevere in your circumstances when everything in you is screaming "I'm done." My labor with Samuel was one of those times when I felt all my strength leave me as soon as Mark removed his hand from mine. I felt it come back immediately when he picked my hand back up again. He may not have felt his strength leave him at that time but he certainly knew it had by the next day. A week ago at church during worship, the lady I always sit next to wrapped her arm around me. I grabbed and held her hand and I felt strength leave her and enter me. I was strengthened emotionally and after the song ended, I whispered in her ear, "I just took some of your anointing." I don't know if she felt it leave her but I definitely felt it enter me.

Samuel came into the world through Mark and my shared strength. His birth was the beginning of the three of us passing that strength around to whomever needed it most. The special God-given bond we had was born when he was born and I have never known anything like it either before or after. As my midwife said, "God knew what you needed." I needed this perfect beautiful love that he brought from the Lord Himself. The gift of Samuel into my life healed many wounds from past years seemingly instantly. A light switched on in my life that I never knew was off. I see that God created that special bond to sustain us through all Samuel's life here. I realize that he wasn't my favorite child because I picked him, but rather because God picked him for me to be exactly that. When Samuel was diagnosed with cancer, the thought of losing Samuel was terrifying. But the three of us, Mark, Samuel and I, kept that triangle of strength going through all the adversity. Samuel left this world the way he came being held up in that triangle of love. Mark on one side, Samuel in the middle and me on the other. Each holding a hand, each drawing strength from another's spirit to see things through to the end. The words I spoke during his birth could have been echoed when his body was dying. "This is awful. We are never doing this again. Are you praying?" We soaked up those last moments when touch was still possible and then that bright, beautiful, perfect spirit flew away from us being inhaled by the One who first breathed life into it and gave it to us. Samuel was more than a physical body. All that body did was give him transport while on earth so that we could as Roberta said, "Get to know him and love him." When Samuel left, he took the anointing that God blessed him with but left his body. His body was just a tent which housed divine love. For the six years he was here, that divine love breathed life and strength into my spirit and flesh to keep going, keep fighting, keep the faith that it would all work out in the end. What is hard to rectify on a daily basis, is that while I know our bond isn't broken, I don't feel it like I did when he was here. Sure, I see evidence of Samuel's presence often between finding little "gifts" left behind and seeing the lights flicker at the exact moment I am talking to him in my mind. These are all "comforts" in that they ease the sorrow but they don't eliminate it. I am thankful for them nonetheless. I can think of thousands of reasons that he needed to go to Heaven and they all make perfect sense but I miss that bond, that strength, that divine love. I miss Samuel, the real Samuel. The Samuel you got when you removed physical pain and infirmity from the equation. While I look back and remember a lot of suffering, Samuel's love was like water on a thirsty soul. He invigorated everything around him and kept us going even though we were so physically and mentally exhausted all the time. I am reminded of many times by my own words "a radiant child who did not line up with the bad reports on paper." As Mark said last night, there was pain but there also were many many beautiful moments which sustained us. Life feels utterly empty on far too many occasions without Samuel's divine love.
The winter has been long as I am sure you will agree. We did finally get some warmer weather this weekend so decided to take a little trek to the Mr. Rainier Park where we used to hike often in 2006 with Samuel. Back then, it felt like "our" place. Storms from late that year devastated the road in this particular area greatly and so we haven't been back there until this weekend. The floods of this year obviously didn't help either and parts of the road are literally gone and the trails we used to enjoy are buried in rubble miles beyond where they road is permanently closed to cars. We ended up sitting on the riverbed just outside the main park area enjoying the sun. The kids played and had fun but I just felt empty. Here I had been looking forward to the day when we could do some hiking again and literally get out of the house and I realized it wasn't as fun as I imagined once I got there. I really thought if I could just get out of this house for awhile, the sorrow would leave for a time or there would be some fun again. I felt as if I had literally then "tried everything" pertaining to living, and nothing eased that loss. Even though we all know he had to leave, his absence is huge and hard to bear. Samuel was always the one who made everything fun. Even the kids would refuse to play certain games if he wasn't playing because "they weren't fun without him." Of course, it probably didn't help that the day we went was another of those "days" from last year when it was obvious that things were going downhill a lot faster than we wanted to believe.

I came home feeling exhausted and half physically sick, not to mention heart sick. Doing some hiking, taking a road trip, just getting out of the house was my last hope for finding some tangible happiness. I had been looking forward to this day for weeks and it ended up being just another blah day. Why leave the house? Why bother trying to live if it makes no difference what I do, that loneliness will always follow. The whole world is filled with evil and everything around me feels ruined. Every time I see that a child has been murdered by their parents, I cringe. I understand a little more why God has to wipe tears when people come to Heaven. If your last memory from earth was of your parent shooting you, I doubt you just shake that off immediately. I decided I was going to bed early that night and pray the next day was better. I read all of Ephesians 1 before going to bed. It outlines the mystery of God's will which is to bring all things on heaven and earth together under one God head, Jesus, at the end of the age. (v 10) I thought, "Let that be soon because I don't know how much more I can take." It then talks about redemption and being sealed with the Holy Spirit, who is our guarantee of the promise that we belong to the Lord and He will return for us and all His family will be together at last. (v 14) "Yeah! Can't wait for that either!" Then v 18-21 says I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. I went to bed asking God to open the eyes of my heart (spirit) so that I may comprehend the hope and power He promises to the saints because obviously, my heart is missing a lot of pieces right now. While my hope in the "Mystery" does not waver, the problem comes in when I think of how long I will have to toil with this sorrow and loneliness. Will that weight ever be lifted enough that I can do what He has left for me to do.. How long must I live without this treasure which now resides with the Lord? I cannot tell you how long a day can seem without Samuel's love and joy filling it. Ephesians 2 goes on to mention that believers have been raised by God to sit with Jesus in the Heavenly realms as citizens with God's people and members of God's family. (v 19) So even though we may live on earth, God sees us with Him. The only thing physically separating us from His presence is this body. I told the Lord that if we are seated in Heavenly places and my body is the only thing that physically separates me from Samuel, then in spirit, I shouldn't feel a separation. So, why do I feel so severed and raw if this is the case?

It has been eleven months since I have been with Samuel. Just a year ago, I felt a terrible longing for his presence when he napped a little too long. Mark used to say, "If you miss him so much, go wake him up. I'm sure he won't mind." It was silly I know, and I never woke him up, but I needed him as much as he needed me. I know now that the Lord put that urgency to always be near him in my spirit because that is what Samuel needed to endure. We all fed off each other's love. That urgency I felt when he was here on earth isn't in me now. I was worried that I might still feel that way when it became obvious he wasn't going to stay here, but thankfully, that left me when he left because I know in my spirit that he is fine.
I drifted off the dreamland and had a fun dream in which I was riding Bud to the college I used to attend. In the dream, they had a stable for you to "park" your horse and for a monthly fee, they fed him and cleaned up after him. All I had to do was come and go as necessary. I was having fun riding my "car" to school. When I attended this college IRL, I used to ride my first horse all around it for fun. There were tons of trails going to the river from this location. The dream was funny because the horse in it was Bud who never stepped foot on this campus. I woke up to see the sun through the window thinking the dream was a really good idea. I looked at my watch to see the time. It was 6:30am. Way too early for me to get up so I changed position and decided to go back to bed.

The next thing that happened is hard to explain. I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't awake either. I closed my eyes and was translated in time.....or so it seemed. "Mommy, get up. Daddy's coming to get us. Mommy, you need to get up." It was Samuel speaking. I thought, "I was just up and Daddy is right here sleeping. I opened my eyes to see I was sleeping at the hospital with Samuel. He was in his bed leaning over to my bed excitedly talking. I sat up in the hospital and opened the windows to see it was morning and the flocks of birds were flying all around. He and I always enjoyed watching the birds fly and I always told him that the "birdies came to see you because they know how much you love them." The birds always seemed to be looking for a place to land but never finding one, just flew circles around our window. I knew exactly what room we were in, and exactly why we were there because I had lived this already. Samuel had needed platelets and blood but they were running so late with the blood that we ended up just spending the night rather than having Mark pick us up at midnight and waking all the kids to do it. On this trip, the hospital was just a hotel. So after the blood was done, we were officially discharged but just slept there until morning because it was convenient. No RN's had to come around beyond midnight other than to "check that he was breathing." I lived this. It was one of the "fun" trips in that he wasn't sick. Mark interjects that he needed blood so he was in fact sick but I look at it as he wasn't hurting or miserable. He was happy and we just pretended the hospital was a hotel and enjoyed the time together. We did not have to worry about MD's or RN's or "issues" other than what had become normal. There was only one difference. Samuel was waking me up knowing Daddy was coming. That was usually something I did.

Some of the sweetest times we spent together were inpatient. Shocking I know, given how much I complained about it. But there were moments inpatient where I was just "Mommy." With good RN's taking care of us, all I had to do was play and love my boy. No housework, no extra kids, no laundry. Just undivided time with Samuel. The most precious times were the early mornings before anyone came in, and before he was even awake. Those times when I woke up and quietly got dressed and ready for the day, spent time in prayer, and watched him sleep. The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was me and he was always happy about that and that joy gave me joy. In those moments peace was around us even in midst of some tragedy. Very rarely did Samuel awaken before me and certainly this did not happen in the last year of his life. Being inpatient was the only time I was a "morning person." I remember plainly being closed up together in a small room playing together finding joy in the little things available to us there. It was like our own little world and I always kept the door shut and curtain drawn to the hallway while leaving the drapes open to the world outside. That is why we always watched the birds. When I would leave the room for coffee or some small errand, I felt the separation and always rushed back that bond which drew me. I always explained to him that I would be "right back in just a minute," and would return to him staring at the door waiting for me. He would happily go back to whatever he was doing when I came back but he obviously stopped whatever it was while I was gone. If I would shower or use the toilet he would always call out to be sure I was still there. Sometimes we had caregivers who didn't disrupt this harmony we shared when we were in our own little world but many times, people who took care of us seemed to not notice what they walked in on and disrupted it. To me, the atmosphere was always thick and full of love and I don't know how you could walk in on that and NOT notice it. To them, we were just a chart and a number. Everything we went through, all the battles, all the victories were meaningless to whatever job they were currently doing. How could they see this obvious miracle child who fought with every fiber of his being and not notice? How could the love we shared not be bursting out the door? There have been people who wrote to me saying they could feel our love bursting off the pages of Samuel's Updates and yet people passed by IRL and never felt it. That idea is lost on me. The hospital stay for blood which ended up being an overnight trip was one of those times of indifference. In fact, the RN who looked after us through the duration of the transfusion and then through the night was one of the originals we had in 2004 whom I really liked. She said she loved Samuel then too but during the last months of 2007, we were just a job. It seemed strange but I didn't let it bother me. We left first thing that morning and had a glorious Sunday together. Funny thing, the day in which this experience happened was the very same weekend day.

Since Mark's vision, I have daily thought of seeing Samuel. I have imagined being with him again. And I always remind myself and God that I just think it would be way to hard for me to see him in all his new splendor just to be separated again. And isn't it just like God to honor my heart knowing that my deepest longing IS to see him again but He took me back to one of our most intimate times and made certain I knew I had already lived it. Funny thing is, I looked back into the journal to see when this stay occurred and I never wrote about it. Perhaps so that now it wouldn't be spoiled by a written account of it. So I don't know quite when it was, only that I believe it was fall of 2007. I also know that the events that actually occurred IRL were not the ones I went back to relive. I was there. He was there. That divine love was there. I felt it. I took a gigantic portion of it with me when it ended. It was so real that I still feel like we were just together last Sunday. You cannot find that on earth and money cannot buy it. That is a gift only God can give.

Now I don't remember closing my eyes or opening them but I suddenly saw the sun coming into my room at home again. I looked at my watch again. It was still 6:30. What I saw and experienced seemed to happen outside of time or in a few seconds at the least. I heard Samuel again tell me to get up so I did. I went downstairs and let that love envelop me. I knew I had been with him and I was so afraid of it leaving me that I sat in silence for quite awhile praying it wouldn't. I literally felt like we had spent the whole day together and I had just gotten home from it. The last time I experienced that kind of overwhelming love from Samuel was on May 5th when he spent the whole day doing everything he could for me and with me. It was a reprieve from the many days of horror that came before it. You cannot be around that kind of love after such a long absence without tears. I spent half the morning concealing tears from the family as I relived the experience over and over in my mind. I was left with the impression that he had been waiting anxiously for this brief moment as much as I had been and it finally happened. And just like on May 5, 2008, he gave me as much of his love as he could pack in in that time period. He again wanted to make sure it would last.

My spirit was so strengthened by this visitation that suddenly life has a new light cast on it that hasn't been here in a long time. Food suddenly tastes better, the sunshine in the window brings joy, the heaviness feels lighter, my other kids bring more comfort......life feels not new, per say but better and definitely different. A good different. That experience was like pouring fresh water on a dehydrated spirit and I definitely feel like a refreshing has passed over me and that came from Samuel's direct God-given anointing.

During my labor with Samuel when Mark was holding my hand, I did not realize how much strength I was taking from him until he briefly let go of me. Only then was it obvious. I always felt the bond I had with Samuel strongly when he was here and I could lay hands on him. I never realized how much strength and hope I derived off of that bond until he left. And while we associate bonds as being alive only in flesh and blood, they are spiritual. Love like that is only from God and if you belong to Him when you share that love with others, you are God's hands on earth. That is why we have hands and bodies, so that the God in us, which is spirit, can be tangible to others. I was strengthened Sunday morning and God knows I needed it but that strength I took from Samuel came ultimately from God. No one else could have done for my spirit what has been done other than God. The fact that He again used Samuel to strengthen me is just a bonus. Saturday night I felt I had nothing left to give and Sunday morning, my cup runneth over. Glory to God!

I believe there was a message to my spirit in regards to time in this visitation. In all the time we spent in the hospital, it was I who determined that "Daddy is coming." It was me who got everything packed up and ready to go. It was me who was looking at the clock and calling Mark on the phone to see if he was close enough fur us to walk to the street to meet him. In the dream, it was Samuel who knew "Daddy was coming." And we were not packing our bags, watching the clock or calling Mark's phone. We were looking out the window up to the Heavens. We were enjoying the sunshine and the birds who seemed to be flying circles for our sole entertainment. We were in a place we knew was just a temporary resting place. We knew we were going home soon and Samuel was the one who was most excited about that prospect. Now, I am not saying this is prophetic but I am saying that God is our ultimate Daddy and we are all His children and Samuel was waiting for a Daddy who was not driving a Backus Bus. Matthew 24 says that no one knows the day or the hour except God Himself, but we are definitely told that if we "watch and pray" we will know when it is close, even at the door. I am certain the Heavenly citizens are not sleeping in the wake of the "mystery" being revealed. I am telling you plainly that I got the message loud and clear and was strengthened immensely by the entire experience. I am definitely not "sleeping" and I definitely "watch and pray" but I was definitely NOT enjoying the little time I have left on the earth in the meantime. I think I will be able to do that now.

The "co-incidence" that I would have a visitation like this and that the background of the dream would be about getting blood to buy time is not lost on me. Transfusions were always about buying time. But just like everything on earth, they didn't last. Well, tomorrow is Passover. Passover first occurred in the Exodus when the Israelites were delivered from captivity and was then a commanded Feast of the Lord. Jesus was crucified the day before the Passover Feast and is our Passover Lamb. Many of you might remember what I did for Passover 2008 and how many shocking similarities I found between what happened to the Lord and what happened to Samuel and I wasn't even aware of the date at the time. Well, tonight we will be attending our very first Passover Seder and celebrate redemption, the blood which was shed for us, and His resurrection. We will celebrate the beginning and the end. I anticipate a night of great joy. We children of God on earth, anxiously await our final redemption and all of that is meaningless if our savior Jesus Christ is not alive and well. He is and He is waiting for us. In Revelation 22:20, Jesus says "Behold, I am coming quickly." My prayer for you today is that you know this precious savior who died for you to have eternal life. Life that goes beyond human flesh and blood. One touch from Him can change your whole life. I was just reminded of that again on Sunday morning when I received yet another "touch" that changed everything. John 3:16 says that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. So I remind you again, that Samuel has not perished. Far from it. He has everlasting life only given by the sacrifice of our Jesus. Samuel was bought and paid for with that blood that never runs dry and never fails to do what it was predestined to accomplish. That blood is available freely to "whosoever will" believe. It is a free gift. Have you received it? Don't let the cup pass from you without partaking of it. Nothing on earth even comes close to the love and power of the Lord. He is real and He will change your life if you let Him.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus, come quickly.

The Passover Revelation

Our family has been enjoying all the snow for the past week. We rarely get this much nor have it stay around this long. As you can see, Bud is enjoying the snow too! The kids have been sledding down our hill daily and building snow forts with the neighbors. Amazing how snow often brings neighborhoods together. Of course, on many occasions, we have missed Samuel. He would have had a blast this week. Anna is wearing his coat and the brand new boots I bought him last year and from a distance, one can almost pretend..........well, not really.
My Mom spent the night with us this weekend because of the blizzard at her house and we had a fun time. She brought the kids their Christmas gifts and we decided to open them early, on Hanukah instead. We are supposed to have snow till Christmas. I think we will be quite tired of it by then but it is sure pretty, especially at Bud's house.

One year ago, yesterday, was the day we got labs for Samuel with no blasts. It was our Christmas miracle. The one we were praying for. I thought about it quite a bit yesterday. How we really thought we had done something. And we had. I am even more aware of how great that accomplishment was today than I was a year ago. Last year, we had hope once again, and we enjoyed every second of it. Last year at this time, Samuel was getting stronger by the day and he was so happy. I let myself shed a few tears yesterday as I remembered last year. That day was so filled with joy. We had no idea the horror that still awaited us. Last night, Kaysha picked up Anna's duck, "Sara" that I gave her after Samuel left. It quacks. He received it for Christmas a few years back but never bonded with it so I put it away in his save box. I kept his "Sara" so gave this one to Anna. Kaysha handed the duck to me last night and said, "Sara smells funny." I took it and smelled it. I knew that smell immediately. I took it to Mark and told him to smell it. He said, "It smells like Samuel." This duck which he hasn't touched in years suddenly has his scent on it, like he just played with it. Hmm.......

I have been quite busy the last two weeks. The Lord and Samuel gave me a gift early this month and I have spent a lot of time "opening it up." When something terrible happens to you, you think that you will have to wait to get to Heaven before you can get answers. Well, I found out over the past two weeks that that is not so. The Lord cares about our cares and He is not only a great comforter, but also counselor. It also helps to have a son in Heaven who is also concerned that I know the answers and the truth about what happened to him and exactly what he knows about it. With that said, I have never had the Lord show me anything like I am about to share. It has all the earmarks of God on it. It is huge, significant and a treasure hunt. I cannot even put it all into words which for me, is saying a lot but I will give you an overview.
Early in December, I had a dream in which Samuel and I were walking along a path that ran next to a river and we were looking for something. I know I was looking for answers and it was about him. But I could not tell if he was leading me, or if we were both searching together. I have no idea where we were but he did not seem lost. I woke up before I found what I was looking for. I did not think much of the dream, at first. Just recounted it to Mark as one of the more interesting ones. Then, a few days later, I was listening to an archived teaching from our church like I do every morning and that was when the "treasure box" arrived. I do want to share with you the gifts which were inside but there was so much and it drew out so many emotions and a lot of shocking things that I am still working through it. It has absolutely been a Revelation.

I began listening to the archived teachings from our church some weeks ago starting in December of '07 and going forward. I was listening to last year's Passover service when the thought occurred to me that I should look at the date of it. It was from 4/19/07. I thought about what we were doing then and I about fell out of my chair. Passover, the weekend that Jesus was crucified and rose again, was the same weekend that I signed the DNR. I started going back in my mind to that weekend and realized that we said, saw or felt some of the VERY SAME things that happened when Jesus was crucified. It was a chilling discovery. So chilling that I called my Mom to tell her because I knew that she would also understand the significance of that weekend for both Jesus and us.

Friday April 18th was the day I told our Oncologist "We are finished" we signed the DNR for Samuel. I did it out of mercy for his sufferings. We could not take anymore of what felt like the devil tearing him to shreds from the inside out. Everytime we solved one problem, another worse one came up. Friday was the day it because obvious that his body was being torn apart from the inside out because he started bleeding out of his gut. Friday I sat in a room in the dark with him for three hours waiting to be transferred to the hospital praying that God would heal him or take him away from this suffering. Friday was the day I called my Mom to tell her that Samuel was going to go live with Jesus because we thought he would die on that day and he woke up from his sleep to say, "I am NOT going to go live with Jesus, I am going to stay right here." Friday was the day Mark's mom brought Samuel a quilt she had just finished making. She had feared the entire time she was making it, that when it was done, his life would be done and she delivered it on the day we said we would let God take him if He so desired. Friday is the day his whole body was shutting down and he was filling with fluids. He was dying. Friday was the day we knew the leukemia had the upper hand. On Friday, a part of me died. We knew it was over. Friday was the day we realized Samuel's life was between him and God. After that day, there was nothing I could do for him that helped "make him better." Samuel did not physically die on that day, but it sure felt like a death all the same.
Friday was the day Jesus was condemned to death, betrayed by one of his own. Friday was the day He shed his blood and said, "It is finished." Friday was the day He gave his life back to God. "Not my will, but thy will." Friday was the day darkness fell over the earth from noon to three as Jesus died. Friday was the day He was wrapped in special burial clothes.
On Saturday, again, another "blood offering" this time pouring from his nose and was unstoppable. He shed 8 ounces of blood before we got it to stop. Another miserable day. My Mom came in to pray and it was that night that we took communion and read the passages of The Lord's Supper with Samuel. We asked God for mercy to take him or heal him. My Mom and I celebrated "Passover" ON Passover without even knowing it. We read the appointed verses and partook of the most important parts of the meal. The Biblical Passover had a "blood" offering from every family as part of the tradition. Only, the blood was from a lamb, not a human, until Jesus, the Lamb of God's blood was shed for us.

On Sunday, Resurrection Day, I wrote in my journal, "Heaven and Earth have been moved so we could go home from the hospital." Samuel's life which we thought would surely end, was preserved and we came home.

The Lord rose again on Sunday. When the women came to his tomb, the Heavens and the earth was shaken with an earthquake that rolled the stone away. I was completely blown away by my own wording of that weekend. When we came home, it truly felt like we had come home from a great battle.
My Mom was speechless after we finished talking about what I was shown. I said, "Lord, here I was sitting here minding my own business and you dropped this into my lap? What are you showing me?" I knew it had to be something big. With the help of my friend Sue, I was able to sort out the pieces on paper and with the help of God, I was able to see Samuel's last days in His perspective. After Samuel went to Heaven, I expressed his last days to strangers as "Only Jesus could understand Samuel's suffering. Jesus is the only one I know who suffered more.' I felt a little funny saying that at first but it felt true enough. Then the Lord shows me this weekend and I realized that my spirit understood something when I said those words that my mind had yet to find out. It was a painful walk to put it mildly, but in going back, I realized once again, that God's hand was upon us the entire way. There was nothing said or done that He missed and there is no part of this that Samuel does not know and understand. Samuel and God's gift to me this season was that of the truth of Samuel's life.

The revelation started as me realizing the spiritual warfare over Samuel's life from start to finish. I already "felt" it, but the "Passover" events confirmed it. I was shown the part I played in it. How I was led by God over and over and never gave up. Even when it looked so dire, I never quit. I realized again, that God picked Mark and I to be Samuel's parents for this very reason. Because we would never forsake Samuel even to the end. We would stay by his side watching the unthinkable happen having them forever burned into our memories no matter how hard it got.

That weekend, I fully gave Samuel's life back to God. I said in past times that I did that, but what I had really done was taken his life OUT of MD's hands. There was always something "I" could do for him right up until his gut died. I am certain the devil had a field day with me when I signed the DNR. I can tell you that while "I" did not condemn Samuel to death, our caregivers took the DNR as an okay to do so.

God showed me the people involved in our lives, especially from that weekend on. We absolutely had a Judas: a betrayer. You cannot betray someone easily unless those you betray them to already have an agenda so our "Judas" played right into their hand. Perhaps had our "Judas" advocated FOR us rather than against us, the events that started on 4/21, Samuel's birthday, would have been different. We will never know. As I continued to play out the events of Samuel's last weekend in the hospital and study Jesus's last weekend, I could totally give Biblical names to those who were around us based on their actions. God showed me their motives and how many just wanted Samuel out of their way. Remember how I wrote back then that it seemed as if people just wanted Samuel to hurry up and die? A veil was absolutely torn for me on Friday just as it was in Jesus's day. I could clearly see those for us and against us after that. It literally came down to those who wanted to help us do anything they could for Samuel and those who took the DNR as an opportunity to hasten his death. It was that cut and dry. Shockingly so.

I realized that Samuel both knows how much we did for him, and how much hurt we carried, as well as everyone who was for him and against him. Samuel KNEW our part in those last days. The only two people recorded at the cross are Jesus's Mother and His beloved disciple John. Everyone else either turned against Jesus, or watched from afar too afraid to get close just in case something bad would happen to them. In the end, it was Mark and I. We were the only ones willing to stick with Samuel no matter what, for his entire life. Many watched from afar. Few were able to get down and dirty when it really mattered. Who did Samuel want with him when things were at their worst? Only Mark and I. No one else.

God revealed to me what was wrong with Samuel's gut and why he really died. We never had an autopsy done because I could not bear to give his body to any other MD to tear up so we were never certain of much other than his gut was torn to shreds. I asked God to show me exactly what happened to Samuel and He did. And I will just say this. Don't ask God something if you can't handle the truth because it is awful. I will tell you more about this at a later date. It is a lot to take in and absolutely heartbreaking. Samuel should not have lived the last ten months he did. He should have died several times before that. God truly preserved him and continued to hear and answer our prayers for healing. God never fully revealed to me what was wrong with Samuel's gut until now but He always showed me exactly what to do to take care of it. Things I did from the very beginning, such as taking over making all his food. Not giving abx twice a week in those early days. Stopping chemo Switching to herbs whenever possible. And all those times I knew we had to stop doing XYZ because it was going to kill him. All the pieces snapped together for me. I did not need the "full story" about Samuel's gut because I was already doing everything for it that would have treated it. The damage at the end was just too much.

But God also revealed that Samuel's gut issues were reversible had we gotten help earlier. Like in 2006. Like in 2004. But no one was interested. And again, I was irritated because I knew Samuel should not have died and that his death was preventable had people listened and helped early on. Knowing exactly what happened to his gut opened up even more revelation about Samuel's last days and how the medicine the Onc refused to switch caused him very much more undo suffering because it was ripping his gut to shreds. It barely managed the pain it was causing. The Onc was adamant that Samuel's pain was all cancer and I was adamant it was gut. I was literally physically ill after the Passover weekend because no one would help me with Samuel's meds. I wanted him weaned off the Fentanyl which is 100x more potent than morphine and put onto Nubain which did not affect the gut. They refused telling me that the only way my pump was going to be programmed was up, the pharmacist did not want to have to be inconvenienced by mixing me a new med right after he did the Fentanyl and there was no way Samuel could just go off Fentanyl. There was a window of opportunity there where his stomach did work and he did absorb Tylenol and Neurontin and they worked SO MUCH better than the fentanyl. Now I know why. Neither of those were ripping his gut to shreds. But they only worked for a couple hours. Our GI was adamant that we could get Nubain on a PCA pump and I was told it was impossible at our hospital. I am certain the switch would have made Samuel's passing a lot less painful. I haven't seen anyone go through the kind of unmanageable pain that Samuel had. The thing was, the Onc and the rest of the team for that matter, never expected cancer pain to escalate to the degree Samuel's did. They said he broke all the records and they had never seen anything like it. It wasn't leukemia pain. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt now. He suffered in the end needlessly. But then, he always suffered needlessly throughout many other instances simply because people refused to listen or help.
I had to really deal with my own anger against certain people as I looked back. The Lord helped me SO much in that respect. He brought me this revelation and it brought so many tears and so much anger that I again asked Him why He was dredging this all up now. Did He really want me to be angry? No, He wanted me to give it all to Him. ALL of it. He showed me person after person and I would forgive them saying that they couldn't have known what they did, because if they had, I don't know how they could live with themselves. After the Lord got through all the people, He told me that He knows who they are and He knows what they did and did not do. Nothing was hidden from Him and He is not happy with some of them. So, I said, "Show them what they did and let them repent." I have carried the sorrow of those last days when I fought so hard to get Samuel's meds changed or do something that would help his gut and people blocked me every step of the way. God showed me that this is NOT my burden to carry. So I gave it back to Him to shift to the person who should have it. For the past seven months, the Lord has showed me over and over His magnificent love. This was the first time, He revealed to me that He is a just God and is not mocked. That was fairly humbling and startling at the same time. God loves people but He hates sin. Proverbs 6:16-20 16 These six things the LORD hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil, A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren.
God showed me that Samuel fought to the end. He refused to give up even trying to walk and move to keep from dying without me ever telling him to do it. I had to tell him to get up off the couch and move to live back in December but in April and May, I never said a word. He just did what he knew worked before. He wanted to stay with us. I believe he left as a last resort, the pain drove him to that choice in the end. That and me telling him to go because it was the only way he would be healed. I believe he made that choice when I had him call to Jesus. When Jesus came, I also believe he did some negotiating because it took him awhile to decide if he was going or not. Evidenced by him seeming to come in and out of his body to "play" with us before he finally left.

What was hardest for me after Samuel left was wondering if I just did not have enough faith to get our last prayer answered. Did I just get too tired of the fight? Did I give up? The Lord showed me my heart. As I look back and see that every place we sat down and prayed with all our hearts for Samuel's healing, a door was opened where there seemed no door and he lived. Things got better. Perhaps not overnight, but they improved. In April, on Passover, when my Mom and I prayed over him, our prayer changed. We spoke the Words of healing over Samuel but also told God that we wanted him completely healed here or taken to Heaven. I realized that in my heart, I was asking God to END his suffering on earth forever. I couldn't take it anymore. I could not just sit by and helplessly watch him suffer all the while he was depending on me to know what to do. That was the worst. Much less be surrounded by people who were never committed to saving him which is truthfully what we had with very few exceptions. Now, while I have prayed "Heal him or take him" before, I never truly wanted God to take him. I wanted God to heal him here. On that weekend, I wanted God to take him if "healing" him here meant he would just continue to fight for his life and suffer. Can you imagine God healing him that weekend just to have something else come up down the road? Think about the what happened at the cross. That weekend was about spiritual warfare. It showed me the battle was great over Samuel's life on earth. And I realized, again, that the devil was NEVER going to leave Samuel alone. Even had God completely healed Samuel that weekend, the devil would have just done something else down the road. His gut falling apart wasn't enough. Leukemia wasn't enough. Cellulitis wasn't enough. God always showed me what to do and Samuel lived in spite of the odds. Samuel gave himself to God. The devil did not take him. He doesn't have that power.

The devil threw everything he had at Samuel inventing new and more hideous things as time passed. The people around us might have changed from time to time but the devil just used whomever would submit. There was only one way for Samuel to go and that was up. He was never going to be left alone here. And through all that, Samuel wanted to stay. He would have chosen to live like that because he loved us. Samuel listened to me and he went to Jesus.
God honored my heart and love for Samuel by taking him. He honored my faith that He, God, had a better place for Samuel and there was no further reason for him to endure here. Even though Samuel did not want to go, and we wanted him to stay and be healed, God knew that his life of constant torment would never end. We are not promised an easy life, that is for certain. It wasn't about Samuel's gut NOT being healed because I absolutely know that God could have done that anytime and in fact led me to healing it over and over, right up until the devil threw something at us. Things would always just be getting good and out from nowhere, massive problems. I believe that if we had prayed for God to "heal" Samuel on that weekend, He would have opened another door for us because He honors faith and His Word. He honored my faith the entire time. But in the end, that wasn't really what was in my heart for Samuel. As much as it killed me to let him go, to tell him to go, to cry out to God to take him, I did it because I loved him that much and I knew that he would forever be free from ALL OF THIS.
One of my questions for Samuel was if he knew how hard we tried? How much we wanted him to stay. How much we did not want him to continue to suffer. Did he know that we just didn't want him to stay in a place where his life would be as it was? Did he know that we tried to honor his dying wishes? Did he know that we loved him enough to let him go knowing how hard it would be without him? I believe things were decided in the 17 days that followed the Passover weekend. We came home with a tinge of hope but it was snuffed out quickly when the final decisions were stolen from us. The Lord showed me that Samuel knows all of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. Samuel wants ME to know that he knows it all. I know he wants me to live without the gigantic burdens of sorrow I have carried that are NOT mine to carry. Not only that, but he wants to me to know that he fought to the end to stay anyway even in that condition because he loves me that much. I also believe Samuel wants YOU to know this as well. Samuel's legacy to you will always be the power of love that comes from God that overcomes every circumstance even death. Samuel continues to show me his love from Heaven. His physical death only set him free to live the life he should have had here. His love hasn't changed.

Only God could know everything I did because He told me to do it. That night I signed the DNR, I was saying, "Please don't let it end like this. Not after all this! Why did we get this far only to have him die anyway?" It felt so cruel. Like God had decided about Samuel's life without me. After all the battles, all the time I listened to God and kept Samuel going, it hurt so much. Not one person who came into that room with Samuel and I on that day knew what they were walking into. A part of me died in that room. As Mark said, it was a blessing and a curse that Samuel lived as long as he did. Samuel NEVER gave up. It was me who told him to go, gave the Lord back his Spirit, and Samuel understands how much I loved him to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I think that is why he makes sure to leave us special signs on the 7th and 8th of ever month. Because he knows how much we truly loved him on those days. And God let me know that He does not take any of Samuel life and the needless suffering lightly. Samuel's blood is very precious to Him. I have thought for months, how could this all be over? After all that, Samuel's life is just gone. Swept under the carpet. God reminded me that He has not forgotten any of it. I have to say that it is very easy to drop your burdens and anger at God's feet when He tells you that HE hasn't forgotten.
As we celebrate the birth of Jesus, I am reminded again of my own words. The best gifts come from God. The greatest gift of all is our Lord Jesus who died for us. As I continue to take in all that God has shown me about Jesus's last days, and Samuel's last days, the greatest thing to come out of each, is the love that had to be there for the sacrifice to take place. Jesus gave His live so that we all could have the free gift of eternal life and rightstanding with God. Samuel was willing to sacrifice the quality of his life to stay with us longer. He did this for years so he could stay. Thinking about Jesus. Thinking about Samuel. That kind of love is overwhelming! I have been so lucky to have tasted it. Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for my baby, Samuel.

Trying to Sort it all Out

We went to Fred Meyer this past weekend, as we always do, to do the weekly grocery shopping. Mark used to work at this store some years ago and many of the employees there know us. As we entered the store, an employee I did not recognize greeted Mark and said, "Oh, I see you brought your whole family.......no wait, I guess, you don't have your whole family." She looked confused but none of us offered an explanation. Mark changed the subject and we quickly went into the store and about our shopping. No one mentioned it but I could not stop thinking about her words. I wish everyone noticed that I don't have my WHOLE family. Just because Samuel is not here now, doesn't mean he never existed, doesn't mean his life did not matter, or that a family of only three was ever my plan.

Back when Samuel was here, and things were as good as they got when he was doing well, we always went places as a family and people would often comment about our family's size. There was always the "looks like you have your hands full," and it never mattered if the kids were well behaved or not. Or this one, "Are they ALL yours?" Now, I realize none of them look like me, but they are really all mine. But, really, they are not all mine, they are all God's. Funny that it is not until you lose one that you truly get this reality. I realized over the last weekend that since Samuel has departed, no one has made either comment. Apparently, it is acceptable to have three children, but any more and most simply cannot imagine. But, some still meet us and try to judge the ages of Kaysha and Daniel then look at Anna trying to figure out why the huge age gap. This is not the family I planned on. I loved having four children. We built our lives around four children. Four was such a great number. Each pair of siblings was close and did things together. When the big kids did something together, the babies did something together. Now, the big kids continue to do their things and Anna is often left out. She never noticed them leaving when Samuel was here. Samuel was the one who brought everyone together and it is painfully obvious that he is no longer here.

The three children are certainly learning to compensate for his absence. Suddenly, they play with the dinosaurs again. Anna has taken up art where Samuel left off. Her abilities have exploded as far as coloring and painting go. Samuel enjoyed both but he preferred using markers for all his projects. Anna could never put the caps back on the markers so he was always annoyed with her using his. All the kids are making new friends both in the neighborhood and at church and it brings me joy to watch them find joy and live. It helps. But my heart still aches for my baby to be a part of it nonetheless. Things still feel wrong.
Anna is now bigger than Samuel was when he left. She is not quite five years old and the clothes that were Samuel's which she wanted to keep now fit her better than they ever fit him. She wore his brand new shoes last weekend and they fit her well. He was only able to wear them a couple weeks and I mainly remember putting them on him for hospital trips in which he was not even able to walk. They are brand new. I had a total emotional collapse in her room last weekend as I was putting her clothes away looking at all his things knowing that soon they will be too small for her yet they were always too big for him. After he left, I packed up most of his "boy" clothes for the Goodwill but when Mark came up to find me bawling my eyes out in her room, he told me that the bag of clothes is still in the van. He has been carrying them around for months. It is so easy for me to give away Anna's clothes when she outgrows them and yet I still hold on to Samuel's as if giving them away is throwing him away. It is like I am still waiting for him to be able to use them. So many of them are still new and never worn. I thought of all the hemp underwear I made him so he would not have to wear diapers everywhere now packed away for no one. Why do I save these things still? Proof that he lived?
Kaysha went to a youth group meeting last weekend and I was so excited for her to be able to hang out with kids her own age and older. It was actually for ages 13 and older but she is very mature for a 12 year old. Obviously, she has had to be a "mother" to Anna for a few years as well as having to live through her brother's physical death. That tends to mature you fast. She had a great time. As we were going to pick her up, I was wishing it was Samuel we were going to pick up. My heart was crying out for me to "find" him. I can find everything that belonged to him, I can wear the jewelry that was made because of him, but I can't find him here on earth. There are days when that hurts more than one can imagine.

I spent some time this past weekend shedding tears about things which I have and had no control. And you know what? It did not help. Crying did not help. It did not make it better or change anything. Do you know how annoying that is? It is amazing how easy it is to fall into the trap of grief and sorrow and yet it doesn't help. I continue to replay Samuel's different issues and my mind always tries to think of what we could have done differently to change things. I have to stop myself from this vicious cycle and remind myself that anything we could have done would have simply prolonged his misery in that broken body. That wasn't what we wanted. I remind myself that he will never have to live like that again. I remind myself that given the condition of his body, it IS better this way. But even with all this information, it is impossible to wrap my mind around all we went through. Even more impossible to wrap my mind around enduring life without him until we are together again. Some days I feel like my spirit might just explode from the confines of this body and yet, it is still trapped here in this nightmare I cannot wake from.

I thought about his babyhood this past weekend. My pregnancy with him is the one I most vividly remember. I remember his back and butt popping out while he was in my tummy and I always rubbed and patted them and this rubbing and patting ended up being the same soothing touches we used all the time he was miserable. Mark used to rush home from work to spend hours patting Samuel's back and butt and it always helped. I would carry him in a pouch when he was little and spent a lot of time swinging with the big kids with Samuel in tote. Swinging was always one of his most favorite things to do. For the first year of his life, he and I shared a room and bed and I would always put him to bed on "his" side but a few hours later, I would wake to find him in my armpit. He always found a way to get to me even when he was a couple months old. He used to sleep holding my hair and that ended up being another comfort mechanism for him for the first couple years. You know, when they are a little bundle of joy in your tummy, you never dream they will grow up only to get miserably sick and die after suffering four years first. I shed some tears this weekend thinking about that. I brought him into the world for that fate. But God stopped me right in the middle of this emotional crisis to remind me that He brought Samuel into the world so he could live. What? Care to explain that? No further response. I am getting to know God well enough to know that He gave me the direction and I was then supposed to find the answers for myself.

Everyone who has ever lived on earth has suffered physical and emotional hardships. Some do all their suffering in a short amount of time, while others endure trials over many decades. With only a few exceptions (Enoch, Elijah), everyone follower of Jesus currently in Heaven had to physically die to get there. Every person living there has been an overcomer of this world and they all got there by clinging to the promises of God through Jesus. In John 16:33, Jesus says, "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” Don't you wonder how you are supposed to have peace in a world where you are promised tribulation?
When I read the books of the Bible written by Paul, I notice he is always trying to encourage the followers of Christ by reminding them of the promise of what is to come. Paul had every reason to throw in the towel. He had been beaten time and time again, in prisons, shipwrecked, stoned and left for dead, sick, poor, tried in courts for his faith and devotion to Jesus. (2 Corinthians 11 recounts this in his own words) But he recounts his greatest burden as being for the followers of Christ, that they not lose hope in the hope that is to come. Eternal life. Isn't that the greatest gift Jesus gave us? The hope of eternity with Him where all the tears are wiped away, all the wrongs are righted, no more suffering, no more physical death. (Revelation 21) Paul reminds us over and over that we were created for more than just this one earthly life and given all his tribulation and physical sufferings, that says a lot about who he KNEW Jesus to be.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18.
Tribulation is a given, but it is only a moment in light of eternity. We are to remember that what we see and have in this life, what we go through, is temporary and will all pass away. While our physical bodies are dying daily, our spirits are renewed as we follow Jesus.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. Romans 8 18:25
The children of God long to be with Him. It is our deepest groaning and our greatest hope. Interesting that all of creation has "birth pangs" as it longs to be with the Lord. I know what they feel like all too well. I know what it is like to hope for things I cannot see, but still KNOW exist.

For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21
Paul was stoned and left for dead and at that time, he was given a glimpse of Paradise, of the third Heaven and he recounts that experience in 2 Corinthians 12. Nothing on earth compares to what God has in sore for those who love Him. Try to wrap your mind around that!
But as it is written: “ Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,Nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. 1 Corinthians 2:10

Our hope in God's promises is to be the anchor of our soul (Hebrews 6:19) The tribulations of life affect both the believer and the nonbeliever. The trials of life for the believer build patience and faith in God as it is in those times when we wholeheartedly wait on God to "do something" or reveal Himself. He always does. God gave us the scriptures from the Bible to help instruct us, but also to bring us comfort, hope, and patience. (Romans 15:4)
In the words of Peter, therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. 1 Peter 5: 6-9.

All things, good and bad, come upon all people. As I looked for the comfort God promises in scripture, I have found many examples of God's people suffering yet encouraging others that the promises of God are worth it all. In all instances, we are told to look above the situation we are currently enduring and remember that it is temporary. That is hard to do and you literally have to force yourself to do it sometimes. It is really easy to get caught up in the here and now. It is so easy to feel like you are the ONLY one hurting. But you are not. We are all in this together and Paul always conveys that as he writes and encourages us today. The life and death of one affect us all in so many ways. Trust God to know what is best, to do what is best in every situation even if it wasn't what you thought He should do. God never allows us to go through tribulation in vain. There is always an opportunity for Him to work with us, to teach us, and to prepare us for what comes next. And that is the thing. There is always something that comes next. There is always something He has in mind whether it be for us living on earth, or for those who go on to Heaven. Paul says ALL creation is crying out for liberty. That is both here on earth and in Heaven. God's people want to be united in His liberty and until Jesus steps foot on earth, that won't happen. But He does promise it WILL happen. (Revelation 21) That is what keeps me going. That is what reminds me as I cry useless tears to get up, look at the bigger picture, remember what the REAL hope is and go on. There are so many encouraging scriptures of which I have posted just a handful but one thing is obvious; they writers KNEW we would need to be told OFTEN to look above what we see and remember what our ultimate goal is. If they spent so much time being encouragers, then we who carry the torch for Jesus today, should be doing the same.

Everytime I see the owners of Bud's place, the lady who consequently also reminds me of Delma, always encourages me. We talked about the economy and current events and reminded each other that we know who is in control and who has the plans all laid out. Talking with her always reminds me of talking about prophecy with Delma. There is something so encouraging in surrounding oneself with like-minded people. God has certainly been building my relationships by hand picking the people who will be encouragers to me and heart healers as well.

Mary was not told of Jesus's future sufferings when she was given the promise of his birth. (Luke 1) I am sure she would have been heartbroken to have known that while she was carrying him in her tummy. Perhaps she would have done everything possible to stop what HAD to happen for the redemption of all creation. That would have changed everything. While I was thinking about God's words to me, I thought of another way Samuel could have gotten to Heaven without all the suffering he endured. I could have chosen to have an abortion. I could have made myself a murderer but saved him from the torments of life. Does anyone else feel sick at that thought? Did I really think that? I could have murdered one of the BEST things that ever happened to me. I could have murdered God's gift to me. But it is so much more than that. An abortion would have denied him his testimony on earth, as well as in Heaven. I would have cheated him out of the Glory of God which was upon him the entire time. I would have cheated God out of the miracles He did and the lives that were changed by knowing Samuel. So many on earth would have been cheated had Samuel never been born. Was his life in vain? Should we pretend he never existed? I think not. I cannot imagine my life had Samuel NEVER been born. It would be so empty without him. Life with him was hard, harder than I would have ever imagined it would be. Life with him in Heaven is also hard but not to the extent it was when he was dying in my arms asking me when he was going to get better. Every blessing, every smile, every laugh, every drawing, every dinosaur, every duck, every miracle, everything that was good that came out of his life here was worth it. Every tear I shed today is a reminder that he was worth it, that he existed and that his life was not in vain. He made his mark on the world in six short years. Perhaps my tears are not worthless. God collects them so apparently He thinks they are worth something. (Psalms 56:8) Samuel told me his life with us was all worth it to him a few days after he left with the song, "The Dance." The funny thing about it all is that last weekend I was caught up thinking "I" brought him into a world where he was going to endure much suffering, but God reminded me that none of it was "my" doing at all. He is the one who gives and He is the one who takes away. None of it was my fault, or my doing, or my plan. It seems like Samuel spent a few days in Heaven, got to see the "whole picture" and then let me know it was all worth it. I wonder what Samuel knows that we don't have a clue about. A lot I am sure. Mark reminded me that Samuel is waiting for me when he found me sobbing in Anna's room this past weekend. Somehow, I think it is easier for Samuel to wait for me than for me to wait to see him. But then I remembered all he suffered to get to Jesus. There was a cost. Then I remembered the price Jesus paid so that we could be with Him. Nothing that has happened on this earth has been without cost.

After Jesus was crucified and rose from the dead, the first thing He did was appear to his followers and family. (Mark 16) Can you imagine their relief after what happened to Him? God is so good to us that He allows our dearly departed to visit us after they go to be with Him through signs, gifts and even songs so that we know they are okay. They help me go on. I am certain the disciples seeing Jesus after he rose from the dead helped them go on as well. God is merciful to those left behind and He always brings signs of hope to those who believe in Him. God is so cool!

As we barrel toward Thanksgiving, I have pondered the several past Thanksgiving's with Samuel in which I always tried so hard to enjoy the day knowing that any one of them might be the last with him here. And now, here we are just days away from the one I always hoped would not come. Since Samuel never ate with us, he won't be missed at the table so in some small way, that helps. Christmas won't be so easy unfortunately. Last year, he was so miserable on Thanksgiving so I am thankful he will never know misery like that again. As we headed toward Christmas of '07, I was set on doing nothing for that holiday unless Samuel could participate. God opened a door and showed me how to get him better with a couple well chosen herbs and our family was given the gift of the best Christmas ever because of it. It seemed like death was so near in the weeks leading up to last Christmas and my prayer during the hardest times never changed. "Heal him or take him, but don't allow him to suffer." Every time I have said that prayer, a door has opened where there seemed no door. Only the last time I said this prayer, in May of this year, the door was opened into Heaven for Samuel rather than on earth for us to endure a little longer. I feel as if God heard all the prayers from last year that Samuel NOT be taken during the holidays and He answered our pleadings at that time giving us the means to go another fairly blissful three months. And then it was over, Samuel's time for reward had come and he had to leave. I am thankful for that extra time we were granted. Thankful that the holidays may be hard, but not because he died on them. I will miss shopping for him, watching him open his gifts, seeing his smile, and doing all the things we did together which was pretty much everything. It hurts to do things without my little buddy every day anyway. But, I have not lost hope and I keep going even though at times I cannot wrap my mind around how much it hurts. I am thankful over and over that I was chosen to be his mom. God gave Samuel life and He chose me to bring him into the world, care for him, and guide him to life with Jesus. Samuel was and is a part of God's eternal plan. He had a very hard job to do here and he did it with joy and a peace that most definitely passes my understanding. I am thankful that he no longer suffers here. I am thankful that we have a hope in Jesus that goes way beyond this life, and beyond even our comprehension and I look forward to the day when it is revealed. I am thankful that when God looks at my family, he sees us as the unit he created. He sees us together with him in eternity because that is His ultimate goal. Perhaps that is what Samuel sees as well.