Restoration

I love music. I love to sing and the Lord has granted me the gift of a good voice. Music has always been a comfort to me ever since I can remember. As a child, I sang at every opportunity and continued to do so into adulthood. Mark and I actually casually met each other at a college performance workshop where we were doing a small "show." He came with someone else but he definitely remembered me from that day on. I tend to remember songs and appoint them to whatever period in time I was living at the time. Hearing a song from a certain time period puts me back there in an instant. When Samuel was diagnosed with cancer, I gave up music. I turned the radio off and made an effort to not hear anything new that would remind me of Samuel's era of sorrows. It was only when things appeared to start going well that I would again allow myself to hear and enjoy music again. A month or so before Samuel relapsed, I spent some time searching out songs that touched my heart. I found many. Several that play on this site and several more that don't. Almost every song was about Samuel's life in some way but a few were for me. Songs of sorrow, longing and heartache. Emotions I have been strangely familiar with my entire life it seems. Some of the selections were startling. The song, "A Few More Days." A song about waiting for the Lord's return but in my heart when I heard it, it was a song about Samuel waiting for the Lord to rescue him from his body. I hoped I was wrong but now I see it was a warning. Looking back, there were always warnings from God of sorrows that were to come.

I had started a huge project with all the pictures of Samuel from birth to that point in time right before relapse that I was going to set to the music I had found. Powerful songs about a powerful life full of miracles and love even among the sorrows. It seemed like a good thing to do to "close the door" on this era of our lives and perhaps one day I could use it to share with each child so they would know exactly what happened when and that they were all a part of the miracle. I had gotten about halfway through the project and it was so amazing to watch it with God's praises in the background. I was praising God the whole time seeing this beautiful baby grow up and overcome the devastation and move on to restoration. Miracle after miracle that preserved his life. And then the unthinkable happened. He relapsed. The balloon of bliss I allowed myself to float in popped. This project died. I could not touch it after that. And worse than that, my computer later crashed and I lost the project entirely. I can still see it in my mind but it no longer exists in any tangible form. I couldn't listen to the music CD after that either. I actually ended up losing it somehow which is unlike me. I don't typically lose music. Well, somehow it turned up on our desk the other day so I decided to listen to it. I was sewing at the time. I had put the songs on the beginning of the CD in the exact order of the project I was making and each song played out an era of Samuel's life. I just cried all the way through the first five or so songs because I remember everything. I remember the hope, the bliss, the joy I had when I found these. Joy of the coming restoration I had been promised by God for years. I held it in my hand, I could see it manifesting before my eyes, and in an instant, it all slipped away. Our lives shattered in a way we never dreamed possible. The songs after those first five were some that have been on this site from times past and some that have never been here. Some I chose for me. I had titled the CD, "Samuel's Songs," because it seemed like the soundtrack of his life with little bits of my own emotions tied in. We were intertwined always so parts of me in it seemed right. Listening to the last several songs that were "mine" I realized that God brought me songs at that time that would speak to me now. It was eye-opening to listen through the songs and way I arranged them because it started out with Samuel's story and ended with mine. I am sure it is not co-incidence that I found this CD again now.
As I listened to the song, "Where Joy and Sorrow Meet," I realized that this song describes where we are right now. Perhaps where we will always be until we reach eternity. Perhaps it is where we have always been. I was inspired to make it the Blog anthem because even amongst the sorrow we live with, there is joy in Jesus. There has been tremendous joy in this grief process by simply allowing God to speak to us and being open to Samuel's signs. There is hope in this great loss because of Jesus's sacrifice for us all. If you get nothing else from following our lives, I hope you get a revelation of God's love for you, His child, and accept the free gift of Salvation through Jesus Christ that you may also partake of the hope and joy of the Lord which is now and is yet to come.

Samuel's life was where joy and sorrow met. The highest highs and the lowest lows. I chose this song in 2007 because I am a sucker for piano music and harmonies. The enormity of the lyrics never touched my heart deeply until now. As I listened again and again, I realized how much I have lived them and how much truth is in them. This song describes what I have found to be true over this last nearly ten months without Samuel: Jesus is the only way to get through this. God is the only answer. Only He has known the sheer depth of my sorrow. Only He has been able to bring me true joy at this time. The only hope I have had through this whole process is strongest when I am close to Him. The same God who allowed all this to happen is the only comfort in the aftermath That revelation is extremely difficult to wrap your mind around and I have found it is just easier to accept that as reality than to run from it. God knew the end from the beginning. He knew Samuel's life would end sooner than I wanted it to. This is where you trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. You simply cannot wrap your mind around it. Take it from King Solomon who wrote in Ecclesiastes 8:16-17 When I determined to load up on wisdom and examine everything taking place on earth, I realized that if you keep your eyes open day and night without even blinking, you'll still never figure out the meaning of what God is doing on this earth. Search as hard as you like, you're not going to make sense of it. No matter how smart you are, you won't get to the bottom of it. Just know there is great comfort in the Lord in the extreme brokenness of sorrow. The roots of faith do grow deep when you realize you cannot live through the day without His comfort. To be this broken, one must first have known a great love and joy. Else this kind of sorrow would not be possible. That same God is the reason for the great love and joy and He promised me restoration.

Sorrow is a given. It seems there is no way around it. Jesus spoke of it to his disciples in John 16:22. Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you. He was speaking about his death. He was speaking about being physically gone from the earth. He knew the disciples would feel great sorrow. Sorrow about the horrors of the way He would have to die. Sorrow for the guilt they would carry because of it. Sorrow for the loss of a person who loved them more than any other person could. And yet, He reminds them that they will see Him again and when they do, the joy will be everlasting. These words jumped off the page at me yesterday as a message about Samuel. A promise from God that when I see him again, nothing will burst the balloon again. Mark's visitation from a healed whole beautiful Samuel has certainly changed things and brought a new peace to this household. A healing peace to cover over those last moments, that lost month of Samuel's life. I imagine the disciples were dying inside after Jesus's crucifixion. Can you imagine witnessing that and having that be your last memory? I know a little something about horrors being the last memories. Jesus did appear to all His disciples after He rose again in his new resurrected body and they did have joy when they saw Him. Same as Mark had joy in seeing Samuel. But that joy was for a moment because we are still here and he is not with us. We still have the promise of being reunited and having our joy restored forever. This is why Paul reminds us in 1 Thessalonians 4:13 that we are not to sorrow for our dead like those without Christ who have no hope. We have hope. We have promises.

Restoration. A word, a promise I was given by God many years ago over Samuel. I clung to that. I believed it. I never gave up on it because He spoke it to my spirit. It kept me going always believing we would see it here on earth. There was a point in which I thought we were seeing restoration and perhaps we were. But it didn't last. Nothing on earth lasts. Everything here passes away sometimes right before your eyes. There are no guarantees of tomorrows. And restoration hasn't happened for us. As I have been studying the Bible, I have been shown that many of the patriarchs were given promises that they believed, worked toward but did not live to see. Seems every person in the Bible has had some promise that they were waiting for that did not happen in their earthly lifetime. Hebrews 11 talks about the promises given to the Patriarchs and clearly says in verse 13, These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. Isn't it strange that they would believe in the promises given to them by God and in the same verse confess that they are strangers on earth? How many times have your heard someone say, "We are not of the world, we are only passing through." Are we not told all throughout the Bible that we are not to be like the world? Sorrow not like the world. Don't love the world. Renew your mind to spiritual things and be not conformed to the world. A lover of the world is an enemy to God. Be holy and separate yourself from the world. Don't love the "things" of the world. Don't put your trust in the riches of the world. Is it then possible for some of these promises to be for the world which is to come? For eternity? Is it possible that they can only be fulfilled in eternity? That seems plausible considering the things of this world will all pass away. We serve a God who wrote the end from the beginning. We serve a God whose day is a thousand of our years. We serve a God who appears to live outside of time. We also serve a God who is NOT a man that He should lie. So if He promises restoration, there will be restoration. Perhaps not in "our" timeframe, but in His. Perhaps not on this current earth, but on the new earth which is yet to come. (Isaiah 65) An earth where there is no devil to spoil it. True heaven....on earth.
Acts 3 talks about how heaven must receive Jesus until the time of the "restoration of all things." As if Jesus is in heaven and heaven is a holding place until all the prophecies in the Bible are fulfilled. Then restoration comes. Restoration of ALL things. Hebrews 11:14-16 goes on to say that For those who say such things (that they are strangers in this world) declare plainly that they seek a homeland. And truly if they had called to mind that country from which they had come out (Egypt), they would have had opportunity to return. But now they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them. John 14: 2-4 says; In My Father’s house are many mansions if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know.” (Jesus is the only way.) John 14:6 Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. Hebrews 11 is often referred to as the "faith" chapter. It outlines the faith or the patriarchs who were given promises, some of which they saw fulfilled and some which they did not. But they passed on the hope of those promises to the next generation and because of that faith, the promises of God have come to our generation. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. The faith of the patriarchs did not die with them. It is alive today having been passed on for thousands of years. Faith that there is something better, something more to this life than to just eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die. Romans 8: 21-23 talks about creation itself, the earth, groaning for deliverance out of corruption and to be put back into the liberty of God's children. That is an incredible thought that even the earth itself is unhappy.....yet look at the weather patterns. They seem to speak for themselves. Verse 23 ends saying that even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. When we see Him, we will be like Him and with Him forever. Hebrews 11: 39-40 summarizes the patriarchs again: And all these, having obtained a good testimony through faith, did not receive the promise, God having provided something better for us, that they should not be made perfect apart from us. They did not receive their promises here because God has prepared something better for them which they cannot fully receive until we are with them because we are all God's children, parts of the same body. 1 Corinthians 2:9 But as it is written: “ Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,Nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”
Several months back, I was thanking God for giving Samuel the opportunity to be a child in Heaven. I was glad his childhood innocence wasn't completely lost here and that he would be able to "live" his childhood in a perfect place. I was and am happy for Samuel. But as I told God, "I just wish I didn't have to miss it." He answered me with the most confusing statement. "You won't miss a thing." Well, how is that possible. It has now been nearly ten months since I have seen him with my eyes. As God has been speaking to me over the past several weeks about restoration and what that means in the grand scheme of things, I realized that Heaven, as it is currently, is a holding area for the children of God until such time as prophecy is fulfilled and the devil is bound from the earth. They are waiting for the same restoration we are. To be able to live a life free of bondage, corruption, death, sorrow, etc. in the presence of the Lord and all generations of His children. What He has planned for us I don't know. I do know restoration of all things is a promise to His children as well as a promise He gave me over Samuel and our family. It is not a promise that died unfulfilled when Samuel's body died. It is a promise yet to be fulfilled. And with that He told me I would not miss any part of Samuel's childhood. My own mind cannot fathom how that is possible but I know with God all things are possible so I just accept it as fact and long for it daily. I also know that when that day comes, joy will meet sorrow and kick sorrow out for good. Until then, we will live as the Lord calls us to on earth keeping the faith in Jesus Christ alive and making every day matter in the light of eternity. The thing about true faith is that faith requires action. People come and go who claim to have faith in God, but do their actions line up with their talk? Faith requires action, action requires trust, and trust requires relationship with the One in whom you put your faith. My heart longs to be closer to the Lord daily and to walk in the kind of faith the patriarchs had. Come quickly, Lord Jesus! May Your will on earth be done. Amen.

Coping

In May of 2007, Mark was hired to work Maintenance for five houses that are home to many "medically fragile" children. The social worker there told Mark that he often sees families hit rock bottom around the eighth month after their child dies. It is at that time that this social worker makes it a point to contact the families again to see how they are doing. I wonder about the timing of the eighth month. I wonder if families have a rough time at that point because it seems as if everyone has forgotten them. I wonder if perhaps it is hard because the shock and sting of death have worn off and the reality has set in. "Life goes on." Just typing those words brought tears to my eyes. It is a stabbing reality nonetheless. At the eighth month, you begin to realize that you have spent the last eight months doing pretty much nothing with your life. You start looking around and realizing you will have start living again only it is very clear that your life won't ever be the same.

The month of January marked our eighth month. Mark has never stopped going to work. He is lucky to have gotten that job because when Samuel relapsed, the employer was fully able to sympathize with the situation. When Samuel died, they had some understanding of what we would go through then as well. Mark is blessed to have this "stable" job with the economy in the condition that it is. One can truly look back and see how God planned the whole thing out. Through the last almost nine months now, Mark has continued to be the rock for the family. He broke down the day after Samuel died and I reminded him that "Daddies don't cry" as Samuel told him before he went to Heaven. I also told him that if he totally lost it, there was no way I was going to make it through. Selfish, I know. Our relationship has always been built by blunt honesty and I knew that there was no way I could handle his sorrow and mine too. Crying isn't second nature to him anyway so I am sure he was relieved that I did not expect him nor want him cry with me or experience the loss in the same way. I knew that he would have friends at work who would be empathetic in ways that even family members were unable to be. We have grieved separately for the most part. Mark still reads this journal so he knows where I am emotionally if I don't make it obvious and I am careful not to dump my sorrows on him either. We each have our own burdens and they are more than enough for one person. There have been times when I wrote an update and told him that if he read, it was at his own risk. Others I told him not to read at all. I know he grieves through my words and emotions here in his own space and time and that is fine. We have tried to take one or two weekend days a month to do something together alone and that has been very good for us though it started out feeling awkward and wrong at first. Now, the days are starting to get longer, the birds are all coming out to sing, and it is already February. All those spring projects we have planned for years and never gotten done might finally get our attention. Things like the yard, the garden we always wanted and never had. Actually, we did have a small garden going and then Samuel relapsed and it all died. Moving has always been on our mind for years now but I am not even considering it at the moment because it sounds like too much work and I am just not ready to commit. One day at a time. One thing at a time. The nicest part of the last nearly nine months for me has been that I haven't HAD to do anything which is good because I haven't really wanted to do anything either. What I have done, for the most part, has felt like an absolute effort which is another reason I am thankful Mark has had a job and been able to cope well enough to work. I have really needed this time to just do nothing. Eight months have come and gone and for us, the first month was still by far the worst. Each month after that has been a little easier to bear. Thank you Jesus! Thank you so much for your continued prayers.
The kids are doing well. It is amazing how easily they accept Samuel's physical death but I know why. They know he is not dead, but simply relocated. There have been few questions about his life, his sufferings or the "fairness" of it all. They miss him but they are fully aware that he is fine and that he visits us regularly. I thought dealing with their grief would be especially difficult but it has been easy thus far because they are so grounded in God. To be quite honest, this has probably been one of the best things to come out of Samuel's physical death. Jesus is real to them. Heaven is real to them. Eternal life is real to them. There is not one single thing on earth more important to me than that and over the last nearly nine months, I have watched as Jesus has made Himself real to each of them.

Anna is the one it is most obvious with. She is daily reminding me more and more of Delma. And after all, she is Anna Delma Backus, so she should. I sent her picture to Delma's best friend and she immediately dubbed her "Little Delma" just based on looks. She has been, "Little Dee" to us. Anyway, her latest question she likes to ask OFTEN is ,"Is that about Jesus or about Satan?" She asks when she hears me watching or listening to something either on TV or the Internet. That is such a Delma thing to ask. Are things so cut and dry? Absolutely. It is good that she has a grasp of this so early. She also says Jesus does "magic" and that makes me wonder what He showed her. One day at church, she whispered in my ear during worship that God was pretty. Hmm. When she goes into the backyard to play, she says that Jesus and Samuel are out there. When we go to Fred Meyer, she says that Samuel holds my hand. I don't doubt that she has been allowed to see things we don't. She is fully able to believe and receive. She has the peace that passes understanding.

A lot of things haven't changed much for the kids. They still spend time with each other in the same ways they did before Samuel left. They pair up the same: Kaysha and Anna, Daniel and Mark. Their method of coping with Samuel always being sick and with me has made the transition easier I am sure. No one lost their buddy in this respect except me since I was never far from Samuel. But in terms of playmates, their buddy system is a good thing.
Samuel's birthday and the one year mark of his departure are now looming ahead and those days, those two months, already feel sickening. The spring like weather we are having is tricking me into feeling like those touchy days are coming upon us a lot faster than we wanted them to. After Samuel left, I just wanted time to hurry up. I wanted the pain to hurry up and leave me. I wanted to push fast forward and get beyond those days is such intense pain. Pain that made me feel as if I was a prisoner in my own body. All my spirit wanted to do was fly free to be with Samuel and yet I was stuck here It is foolish to think we could go through the first anniversary of Samuel's death and even his birthday without feeling the loss all over again so I don't look forward to late April and May. And yet, the Lord has already started to soften the blow for me in many ways. We have already not celebrated two of Samuel's birthday's on earth while he was here. His second, at original diagnosis and his sixth, when he was dying. Neither day seemed appropriate for celebration. The nice social workers at the hospital in 2004 made him a huge card I still have and brought him some toys on that day but he wasn't much into celebrating. We ended up getting him a cake on his 3rd birthday that read "Happy 2nd and 3rd Birthday." We had a double party a year later. Last year, even though he got gifts galore, there was never an official party. At some point after, he just knew he was six and up to the day he died, he discussed Kaysha making his cake when he was feeling better. He was planning for a party. I know God and Delma would have taken care of that the second he entered Heaven. In fact, I know he was playing with us before he finally left our arms. I also know that God knows we will want to have a party for him in his presence for each birthday we will miss until we see him again. For whatever reason, it lessens the blow of his birthday knowing that not having it on the correct day, or in the correct year isn't something new. I know that those wrongs will be righted eventually

I have spent the last month with God, the family, and with my thoughts. I now dream of Samuel often but usually he is still here and "sick" in some way. So the dreams are not all that nice. I have actually pondered our relationship wondering how it might change if you remove all the "sickness" from it. Mark and I both know that the destruction to Samuel's body and constant calamity was what made him who he was, the boy we loved so much. He would be so different if you excluded all that. I wondered what it would be like to just "be" with him as opposed to always taking care of him, worrying about him, having my heart broken over and over again because of what was happening to him. Everytime we travel a hiway that used to take us to the hospital, I think of some ER trip in which I worried the entire trip knowing that no one was going to be able to truly help him. That was truer than I ever realized. I don't miss it. Not any of it. You know you have reached some sort of acceptance and peace when you read of another's child finally in remission when no one thought they would be and you truly feel happy for them without wishing it was your kid in remission, or wondering why yours died and this one gets more time. I am there I realized about a week ago. It is a good place to be. My boy is in remission forever. I don't have to worry anymore at all. The sad reality for the parents of the child newly in remission is that they will worry the rest of his life. I won't. All the heartwrenching hideous complications are over for us. I don't miss it, wouldn't wish it upon anyone. But again, I ask, what will things be like for Samuel and I when we meet again? I cannot imagine being with him and not worrying about what lies ahead. Does he still "need" me now that he doesn't need me to take care of him? Grief certainly plays tricks on your mind when there is no one there to answer you. I cannot say what our relationship was like on earth without some physical problem because we never really had a true break.

And then an interesting thing happened. Never say never when you wonder if God hears, or if your long lost loves hear. The picture of Samuel in the snow above is one of my favorites. It was a year old on January 28. If I could go back to one day, it would be that one. Everyone had so much fun on that day. It was one of those Heavenly days where time stood still for us and we just enjoyed every second of it. Nobody knew how to have fun the way Samuel did when he was feeling good. This past January 28 was a sad day for me because I longed for that joy in disbelief that it is now over a year old. In less than two months from that day, everything would go downhill in such an unexpected way. It hurts to think of that time, those precious days, they went by so fast. Too fast. I was listening to a widow speak about the first year after loss and how difficult it was just to get your bearings after a "part" of you is gone. I can relate. Samuel was as much a part of me as Mark is my husband. Moving on without that integral part has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do. This widow shared a song her husband wrote for her. Apparently each year he wrote her a song on Valentines Day. It was all piano music which I just love and I thought of Samuel. He would do something like that. Or he would have done something like that if he was still here. He would have dug deeper than just the surface stuff and given a gift that lasted longer than a day just as he did with his picture to me. Later that night, we went to Fred Meyer to get some groceries. It was busy so I took the kids to the van to wait as Mark checked out and paid for the food. I started the van and flipped the radio off the crappy station Mark likes to country music. I asked myself quietly why I bother since country doesn't play country anymore so I never turn it on except for occasionally in the van. After the song that was playing got over, they played an older song. I just about fell out of my chair because this station rarely plays "older" songs and it was one I actually liked. Actually, one of the only Leann Rimes songs I actually like with exception to" One Way Ticket." The song was, "I Need You." I thought back to the karaoke days thinking that this was one I always wanted to "try" but never got around to it. About midway through the song I felt Samuel's presence and at the very same time, I realized that "I need you" was the last words he spoke to me. I couldn't believe it. I always know when things like these are "signs" or messages as opposed to just nothings because they always answer a question or a longing. In this case, Samuel sent me a song on the very day I wished he would have lived long enough to "write me a song." He answered that burning question of the month; does he still need me? And he did it all by using the last words he ever spoke to me on earth which lessens the blow of not only them being his last words, but the upcoming anniversary of his death. I realized something else during those moments. He is waiting on me. For all the years he was on earth, I found myself waiting on him. Waiting for someone to bring him to me after a surgery, or some other stupid thing. Waiting on him to get up hoping he would feel better. Waiting on him to be born and yes, waiting for him to die. I have waited on him his whole life. Now, he can't come to me. I have to go to him. And he is waiting......because he still needs me as much as I need him.

I have had a cold for the last two weeks and have felt pretty yucky at times. Samuel has been close to me for the past two weeks. Everyone knows it too. His latest thing is to flicker the lights wherever I am. One morning I was in the tub which I used to share with him. I could never take a bath alone when he was around. I was thinking about that after Anna had just gotten out and the light above me started flickering. No other lights in the house flickered, just that one. I looked up to see if I was seeing things and it flickered more. I told him hi and they flickered like they were very happy or laughing. I started to cry and immediately got the impression that he wasn't going to keep coming if it always made me cry. I asked him when I was going to see him again.....more flickering. Later that night, we had pizza which we could never have when he was here because it was so terrible for his gut. I thought about how we don't even think about that aspect of pizza anymore because we are used to him not being here. As everyone at the table was eating, the light flickered. Just over us, nowhere else. We all told him hi. And a couple nights ago, Anna was coloring at the table and the light flickered. She said, "Mom! Pooper's here!" All physical death did was set him free to be who he was supposed to be. I suspect he is here more than we even imagine. And, it helps immensely. There is only one way this can happen. Only one person who paved the way for it. Jesus. I am so thankful to Jesus for allowing Samuel to visit us. I am so thankful that every person here believes in Him and can receive things in the spirit that heal tremendous wounds in a way nothing else can. I literally get up every morning looking forward to what the Lord will do or show us on that day.

Messages and signs from God are all around us and I sure don't want to miss them. God is faithful. He hears my every thought, every longing, every question. He answers me. He doesn't leave me in the dark. There is absolutely no way I could have made it this far with His hands holding me up and His answers no matter how hard the truth was to take in. The best thing to come out of this past nearly nine months for me has been the presence of God in my life. He has revealed Himself to me over and over. He has met my needs in amazing ways, one of which was last month where I literally said, "Jesus, what have you done?" The need was big, the answer was big. I knew where it came from. I know I am not alone in my own private sorrow. God is right in the middle of it. Samuel comes to me when I need him as well. The light at the end of the tunnel is that which comes from Heaven, from Jesus. That is my hope. That is where my treasure is. I am so thankful tonight for my relationship with our Creator. It is amazing to think that He is so interested in every minute detail of my life. How did I ever live without this intimacy? Who wouldn't want it?

We have a new baby. Not the kind you are thinking
This is "Moses" the "Bush Woolly." Okay, really, he is a Bishon/Havanese cross. he is almost 12 weeks old. I have wanted a dog like this my whole life. God made a way for me to get him this past month and he reminds me so much of a dog my Mom had when I was still living with her. A little poodle/Bichon named Dude that had personality plus. Moses acts a lot like Dude. I know God picked him out for me because of that.

There You Are

Yesterday was one of those long days for me. Suddenly, I have all this time that I never used to have. When did I ever have this much free time? I can't remember. Throughout Samuel's illness, it was one thing after the next and I lost so many parts of who I was during that time. It is hard to remember what I even used to enjoy sometimes. Everything has changed. I have changed.

I spent yesterday thinking about Samuel being able to be a child in Heaven. I thought of him playing and running around laughing. After this week's revelation from God that I shared in the previous update, I just have been thanking God for allowing Samuel to have a childhood to enjoy. There wasn't much enjoyment here. All the innocence stolen from him here has certainly been restored to him in Heaven. I have to think there was an adjustment period for him though because being carefree was something he never understood. In his last days here when he would wake from napping at odd hours, he would sit up so quickly that he would get dizzy. Almost like he forgot he was sick or was not aware of where he was. I would ask him what he was dreaming about and it was always the same. "I was playing." I was always relieved to hear that. After all he had been through and was currently enduring, I was hoping he wasn't having nightmares along with it. A day or two before he left us, he woke up from a nap on the couch, sat up abruptly and tried to rip his port out. He said, "No more port medicine." I have been reminded of that a few times this past week. I think he was dreaming of life in Heaven during that last week here. I think God was preparing him through dreams of what was to follow. He would wake up almost annoyed that he was still here.

It is so comforting to have God reveal things to me and I look forward to what He has to share. I am getting better at noticing the signs. It helps me feel closer to Samuel and it eases the heartache. But there are still those times when that aching seeps in anyway. It has been awhile since I have gotten a message from Samuel and as I thought about that yesterday, I just figured that he is busy playing and living the kind of life he never had here. It is a bittersweet thought. I am happy for him. I thank God for it. But it hurts to not be a part of it.
I have thought a lot about Samuel's understanding of his life here. When someone dies, you often ask yourself questions like, "Did they know how much I loved them? Did they know how I felt about such and such?" God answered some of my questions this week. What is Samuel doing up there? Why is he there and not here? I always ask God what Samuel is doing up there especially at night when I go to bed. "What did Samuel do today? Make sure Delma gives him a hug for me and a bunch of kisses"

When I start thinking about Samuel's four years of misery, I usually end up in tears. Can't help it. Most of it was so miserable for him. During these moments I cry out to God and ask if Samuel knows how much we wanted to fix things. Does he know how it broke our hearts over and over to watch how out of control things got. Does he know that even when we were forced to leave him for surgery, ICU crap, etc. that we hated every minute of it? Does he know I ALWAYS wanted to be there? Always? Does he know that I was always waiting for him, that I did not ever leave him? Does he REALLY understand how much we loved him? Does he know how much it hurts me to not have him here? It is hard to live with all the questions I want to hear the answers from Samuel on. Some are hard to put into words because they are so deeply rooted. Most of them start with, "Does he know?"

Samuel hears me. He feels me. He answers me with words that touch all those deeply rooted questions. He continues to be amazing. While I cannot physically touch him, he can touch and heal my spirit and wipe the tears. Why am I still amazed by this?

Last night, after dinner, Kaysha joined me to watch an interview with Martina McBride. I was hoping that they would play some more concert footage because I like a lot of her songs but it was mainly just talk. They were asking her about her song choices for this year's tour and she mentioned that she has had to omit songs which people still ask for. A couple about to be married asked her to sing "There You Are," at a concert but she said she had completely forgotten the words. One of her band members found the lyric sheet so she sang it for these people but said she butchered it badly which I find hard to believe. We saw her live here when Samuel was a tiny baby in a sling. He got to go! Anyway, this is a song I used to know and love so I tried to remember the lyrics but could not. So I made a mental note to play the CD sometime just to refresh my memory since I have all this time nowadays.

I had been tired all day yesterday for some unknown reason so I decided to go to bed earlier than usual. Once I got into bed, however, I could not sleep. No problem, I just talked to God. After about an hour of that, I figured He must be quite tired of me and I started thinking about that 4PM cup of coffee. Obviously a bad decision. I started feeling like I should go check my e-mail. I don't know why but I just knew there was something in it waiting for me. I told myself I would probably walk downstairs to find nothing and be more awake than ever. But the thought would not leave me alone or let me sleep. "Go check your e-mail." Another 30 minutes passed and the thought would not go away in spite of me ignoring them. I decided I could go take some of Samuel's sleepytime herbs and then I would be able to get to sleep. I could check the e-mail and it would not be a wasted trip. Perhaps then I could sleep. I walked into the kitchen and for a moment it felt like the many nights when I would come downstairs to get Samuel something. Medicine, IV crap, something. In the middle of the night, it was never good. Nothing in the kitchen has changed and for a second, I could almost pretend he was upstairs waiting for me. It felt like Samuel was here...waiting. I shook it off reminding myself that the house STILL lies.

On so many of those nights taking care of Samuel, I would check e-mail hoping to have a message of encouragement, something, anything that would help. A lot of times there was something waiting and for that moment at 2am or whatever time it was, I wasn't alone. Someone was praying. It felt so much like "old times" that I decided to play along with the feelings. I walked through the kitchen thinking of the night God told me that Samuel chose to stay here because he loved us that much. I remember exactly where I was standing when He said it. I wrote that day that Samuel was Divine Love. I walked to the desk and sure enough, there was a message. These days, the updates are mainly for my benefit. God always rewards me with more insight as I type all these things out. Writing has become a gift of sorts and while I hear from friends a few times a week, there certainly are not daily messages, nightly messages or for that matter, anticipated messages. There was no reason for me to expect a message because it is not normal anymore. Anyway, I read the note and embraced the love sent from my friend Sue, who knows loss, and has "adopted" me. I thought that was it. I read it, done, take herbs, go to bed. I walked into the kitchen to get Samuel's tincture. As I rounded the corner, I heard, "Did you miss that? Didn't that note have "There You Are" in it? I stopped in my tracks. Did it? I walked back and opened it up to read it again. It did. The name of the song which stuck out to me like a sore thumb is in this note. I am learning how these signs work and "someone" told me not to miss it. I found it online and played it. Did it remind me of Samuel? A little but some of the lines don't fit. I reread Sue's note again and found language and context clues I did not see before. I KNEW that I was brought downstairs to find something. That feeling, that voice would not let me sleep. I KNEW that the moment I stepped foot at the bottom of the stairs and walked into the kitchen, it felt JUST like it did when I got up take care of Samuel. I KNEW that I felt Samuel when I walked into the kitchen. Then it hits me. The song is FROM Samuel. Not about Samuel. And he used one of my "God" friends to deliver it. Sue's husband and Samuel must be up there laughing! Interesting that after that revelation, I took Samuel's medicine and was able to sleep well. I found what I did not know I was looking for. I am noticing a song theme here lately. I think Samuel and God want me to sing again....I feel that longing.

Once again, Samuel reached into my heart and answered all those questions that have been burning inside me. He knows. He understands. He answered all the things I asked about his life here on earth but also left me with the feeling that HE told me to go downstairs and get this message and that HE was there watching when I did it. I sure felt him. I tried to ignore it, but he would not let me.

There you are in the early light of day
There you are in the quiet words I pray
I've been blessed by the simple happiness
Of the perfect love we've made
Every time I turn around
When I'm lost and when I'm found
Like an angel standing guard
There you are
Every time I take a breath
And when I forget to breathe
You're watching over me
There you are
When I'm looking for the light
In the middle of the night
Searching for the brightest star
There you are
There you are in standing in a crowded room
There you are the earth and I'm the moon
My desire is to stand by the fire
That burns inside of you

I found the verse in Song of Solomon and added to Samuel's picture above. "Love is more powerful than the grave." Do you doubt it?

This morning I found another treasure. Anna had a big mess in the back room which she was supposed to clean before going to Mark's parents for the night. Good motivation. However, I noticed she had all the books out and though I should go help her or she would ruin them trying to put them back. Now, we have went through these twice and any remnants of Samuel's work in them have been removed and packed away as keepsakes. Still I find an activity and sticker book I haven't seen in awhile. I open it up and it has been half done. There are letters, numbers, puzzles, dot to dot, matching, and dinos galore. Samuel did half the book. He wrote the entire alphabet, numbers to 20 and even did simple addition. There were puzzles which were to be put together with stickers and he did those. He traced letters of big words and matched dino to dino. How did I miss this? He wrote his 4's backward and his 5's like S's. It is treasure.

God left us some treasure at Bud's tonight as well. I asked Mark where we could pick apples to take him. So many trees around here with apples going to pot. He thought we could get some at his work tomorrow. When we pulled up to the gate tonight, I asked Mark what was on the fence posts. Apples! Someone had left apples on the fence posts where we park. It was COOL! Bud's feet are all fine now. No more limping.
God has been so good to me!

Pain

The only thing worse than death is living in torture; either physical pain or emotional pain. This is how I justify to myself daily WHY Samuel's body had to die. He could not go on like that. What he went through physically was beyond hideous. Truly, one word sums it up. Demonic. I try not to relive it because parts of his life were so horrible that I cannot believe he went through it. I cannot believe we lived it out. Now we live without him. His body died. We watched the whole thing. And still we live on.

I haven't had to suffer much physical pain in my life. The emotional pain I have had to endure has been much worse in comparison. I keep thinking of what it must be like to have your arm severed from your body. It has been there all your life and suddenly it is violently removed. Perhaps you watched it being torn off in complete shock that such a fate was yours. For an instant, you think you are dreaming or that it can be quickly sewn back on. Then reality sets in. The shock turns to pain which you truly believe will kill you. In fact, you hope it will kill you because that seems easier than living with this horrific truth. Amazingly, you can live without an arm. Each day that passes proves that to be true. But even months after the tragedy, you look into the mirror in disbelief. This shocking reality is yours. Do you think you will ever truly wrap your mind around it? Accept it? Live a happy life again? When your child dies, the first thing to go through your mind is that you will never have joy again. Nothing will ever be as good. In fact, you might as well give up on life. Anyone know who plants those thoughts into your head? Anna's new phrase to answer that question is "stupid satan." And she is right.
I have spent some time thinking about how the "Joy of the Lord" is supposed to be my strength. In fact, a bit over a week ago, I e-mailed a friend who lost her husband to cancer just over a year ago, and told her that I need that "Strength" that comes from God's Joy. She understands that sentiment well. I have been waiting on the Lord to show me what the next purpose for my life should be and at the same time, I have been binding the confusion and lies that stupid satan puts into my mind. I want to think clearly, see clearly and not miss a word from God. What I have found is that a word from God often cannot be explained in a few sentences because it takes everything you know, hear and have learned and brings it to a whole new dimension.

Anyway, I had been talking to God about helping me get His Joy back into my life so that I have the strength to endure however many more days my life has left on the earth. The majority of my strength when Samuel was still with us came from my love for him and his love for me. Remember, Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I know that most of my strength during that time was not from "joy." And now my "love" is not with me and that fact alone is still so hard to wrap my mind around. So, I just need the Joy of the Lord. Remember, God given Joy is spiritual; it goes beyond the circumstances. It is not a happy moment in time but endures day and night. We experienced true Joy on those days where Samuel did not suffer. It was a joy which chose not to look at the overall picture of how we got to that point, or what was to come after that point. It was joy which froze time for us, as if we were the only ones on the planet during that time. Even May 5th, there was joy because we knew we were given a gift and time did seem to freeze for awhile on that day. We knew that the inevitable was coming, but we ignored it on that day. I need that joy. Joy that chooses not to look at the past and what is lost but looks forward to the future. If I choose to listen to the voices in my head, I will never be happy again so I might as well stop looking for joy. I know who said it and I know better than to listen.
Problem is, I don't even know what brings me joy these days. We can plan outings, have things to look forward to, but it is not joy, it is just things we do to "cope." There is nothing wrong with that by any means and certainly the kids are enjoying "living" again. But I know that God loves "ME" and just living from moment to moment is not how He wants me to live here. And I told Him plainly that I need Joy to go on here else all I really have to look forward to is being in Heaven. Thinking of how long I might have to wait for that experience hurts too much. Trying to imagine what our lives will be like next year feels terrible. Every day I live, I am one day closer to seeing Samuel again but by the same token, each day I live is a day farther from when I last saw him. I don't want to live in the past. I want to learn from the past and move on. Moving on is hard to do when you have no clue where you are going. My life is still dumped out all over the floor and I have no clue what to put back into the bag so I can pick up and move on.
A bit over a week ago, I really laid everything above out to God, Truly, real joy felt impossible. That night, I had a dream in which I felt joy. I mean REAL joy. I was happy. In fact, I was so happy I was sad to have to wake up. I cannot remember a time when I have ever had a dream in which I had true joy. I have dreamed of things and felt relief, or fear, but not real Joy. God showed me in that dream exactly where my joy lies and how our lives can be restored if we so desire. Since I had that dream, I cannot think of anything else. . It was a dream which included the family I live with but not Samuel. So it was a dream of tomorrow, not yesterday. It was a dream where we knew Samuel was in Heaven but we let God bless us and restore our Joy so that we could "live" without him. It totally stopped stupid satan's lies because I was shown where my pure God given joy is and that it is possible. I got up and thought of the dream over and over and how each scene put all the things I love deep in my heart into place. There were three scenes I vividly remember and each one not only brought me personal joy, but joy and restoration to the family. We ALL had joy. The joy wasn't in anything I did, or anything I was, or anything material at all, but came undeniably from God. It was joy in a gift from Him that brought everyone restoration. I spent the day reveling in the fact that God truly knows me. Better than I know myself. Not only does He know me, but He wants me to have joy here, on earth, all the days of my life. God loves me.

I am not going to write what the dream was but will say that I have been shown what I dreamed about several months ago. I said yes at that time and waited for confirmation. But I never got it in a way I thought was real. Not until the dream. And a few days back, God led me to a whole chapter in the Bible which again confirmed everything I saw right down to the names and promises. So, for as many things as I have written here have manifested into my life, I write this down before God and claim JOY to be restored to us all. I believe what I was shown will manifest. The biggest most awesome thing I took away from the dream was that God's plan for me is to have Joy in living. It wasn't some big new task to be undertaken. It was about blessing, restoration and love. Bring it quickly, Lord.

But that wasn't all. As I said, when God shows you something, it is often BIG. I was reminded last Saturday morning about the first Mother's Day I had with Samuel. He was only a few weeks old. I remembered how it seemed at that time like no one was overly excited at his arrival. You know, third child, big deal? Everyone makes a fuss about your first baby, but after that, each birth must just run together or something. I remember holding him thinking that I was glad no one wanted to hang around often because I knew he was my gift. He was so precious to me. That was one of the greatest Mother's Days on record for me. I knew I had something special. God really showed me last weekend that Samuel was His gift to me. I have always said that he was the kind of child you have four to get, and while I love each of my children, Samuel was made especially to bless me. When I look at Kaysha, Daniel, and Anna, I see how they were specially made to bless a certain person as well. I know that I was made to bless Delma most and Mark was made especially to bless me. God has a purpose for us all, that is for sure. The more I thought of God's special gift to "me" the more I thought of how stupid satan HATES any special things God does for someone. I realized that stupid satan was trying to destroy Samuel even from conception.

Samuel was not a planned child. Mark and I were done having kids, or so we thought. So the pregnancy was not thrilling to either of us. We had no insurance on top of that. I was in the first trimester when the September 11, 2001 tragedy happened. I remember asking what kind of world was I bringing a child into? It was horrifying. In October, I got a sinus infection which lasted two months. We did not have insurance, and so I never went to the MD for it. Imagine what my immune system was like? And I was so miserable. I got over it for about a month only to get it again. Mark had to change jobs in December so that we could get insurance to cover the birth. Of course, my MW said she would take care of me for free but the entire pregnancy was stressful. The coverage began in February and it was then that I was finally able to go to the MD and get abx for my then again, two month old sinus infection. I did get better but knowing what abx did for Samuel's gut, I am certain this was a nail. I managed to stay fairly healthy until he was born. I had a GBS that was positive so more ABX were done right before he was born. Another nail, I am certain. The pregnancy was my most sickly by far. His birth was the most painful. I remember one night in particular before he was born actually dreading his birth because of how it would change our lives. Everything during that pregnancy was negative. No other pregnancy was like it either. Samuel's placenta was almost half the size of Anna's which tells me the nutrients he received while in the womb were not as good as the nutrients Anna had. Anna's was my most healthy pregnancy and she was the biggest baby. I found out the year after Samuel was born that my dying wisdom teeth were the cause of the sinus infections. Rotting teeth dump bacteria they store into your blood and sinuses. I had them removed the following year. I am certain that all the bacterial load I was carrying did not help Samuel's fetal development. Pregnancy just magnified the problem previously dormant. It makes me ill to think about it and I had no clue at the time.
From the second Samuel was born, I just knew I had a gift. As my MW later said, God knew what I needed in my life at that moment and He brought it to pass regardless of how I felt about it or how stupid satan felt about it. Life was bliss for two years. As I said in a previous post, I can look at pictures and see where he looked sick. Mainly in that second year where he wasn't exclusively breastfed. It is sickening to look at. I am certain the breastmilk kept cancer at bay for those two years. Months before his diagnosis, Samuel figured out how to open the front door and leave the house. One day we found him at the bottom of the hill, and another day we found him in the neighbors back yard. He was sneaky and quiet so we did not even hear him get out until he started screaming. I remember the panic of thinking a car was going to kill him. Mark quickly built a fence around the porch to keep him in. I have often wondered if he would not have been better off killed by a car than to have had to endure four years of suffering. I am glad I did not have to make that choice. And then, the day before his 2nd birthday, his diagnosis. And here is where I clearly see demonic begin. In the Bible, where the instructions for eating are written, the people are told NOT to drink the blood of an animal because it is their "life." The blood of Jesus was shed to save our lives. Suddenly, it wasn't shocking that stupid satan attacks children with cancer of the blood more than any other childhood cancer. He attacks their very life and mocks the blood of Jesus. Samuel's blood at diagnosis was in worse shape than when he died. Clearly, on that day, the ICU staff thought he would not survive and prepared us for such an event. But he lived through the night. Then his lungs were attacked viciously, and he survived that. Then he had a massive blood infection along with a massive gut infection and to this date, I don't know of any child who has survived this with all the damage Samuel had, but he still survived. His guts were falling apart in the surgeon's hands yet he survived. Then his brain was attacked and due to the extreme infections to his gut and bowels, this was complicated to fix. I don't know of any child who has endured seven shunt surgeries in seven weeks and survived. Not to mention, a total colectomy the week before, sepsis the week before that, lung collapse the week before that, and MRSA pneumonia the week before that. He had no working white cells until the colectomy. He also got hepatitis from TPN right in the middle of everything. Satan wanted him dead and attacked every vital organ. Even his heart had issues. Yet, God kept him alive. Satan ripped all our options for "cancer treatment" out of our hands. And as if that wasn't enough, there were the many times where MD's almost killed him. The biggest one was the spinal tap they wanted to do when he had the active hydrocephalus. That would have killed him instantly according to the Onc. Thankfully, I was more afraid of what they had done to him at this point than the cancer so it never happened. And it would have, had we not always been there. The fervent prayers of thousands turned so much of this around and when all hope looked gone, Samuel did what he did best. Turned things around. The brain damage disappeared and his once limp body gained strength and he seemingly never missed a beat. But the tragedy continued on once we found out his rectum collapsed and healed shut along with his anus. Unheard of! And we were stuck with MD's who would not help when we needed help most. Or they made it worse. Everything was a fight. Hooking his gut back up was just another mistake but it was too late when we figured that out. His poor butt. His poor gut. I am certain his WBC's were never able to rest because something was always broken out and bleeding. It is really sickening to think of. Finally, we get the anoplasty done after another horrible saga and it starts to look like Samuel and we might have a life. Truly, we had all the problems managed. I could see some quality of life. We persevered. We saw the finish line. Then relapse. And we got that cancer under control again, then cellulitis. That was hideous, and all with no WBC's. I know adults who did not fare with cellulitis nearly as well as Samuel and they did not have blood cancer nor was their flesh sloughing off. We get that under control and then his gut starts falling apart. Most likely, it was falling apart for years, but the abx for the infection sped up the inevitable. And we somehow got that vicious circle under control right before Christmas. I am certain that steroids and breastmilk gave him that additional good three months. Steroids masked the gut trauma while worsening it and breastmilk healed what it could. It balanced itself for a time, but then it all fell apart. Without a gut that worked correctly, medicines did not work correctly. That last month was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He suffered so much. Satan wanted him dead. God honored our prayers and Samuel's desire to stay here until the moment when He chose to rescue Samuel from this vicious cycle. I know God knew we would press on as long as it looked like there was a glimmer of hope and when Samuel's gut failed, we knew it was over. To date, I have never found a childhood cancer case with as many complications and "demonic" attacks. The thought occurs to me that we fought so hard never willing to give up or accept poor diagnoses and advice so every time satan thought he had won, we forced him to try harder. God carried Samuel and gave him joy through it all. I still cannot imagine that he lived all that with joy. But he did. He never surrendered to satan. He would not allow satan to steal his joy. Afterward, I remember asking God right after Samuel's body died why He gave me such a special gift only to take it away. I realized last weekend that it wasn't God who stole my precious gift, it was stupid satan who knew that Samuel was sent here to change the world. God rescued Samuel because we asked Him to. We knew we could not live like that any longer much less ask Samuel to. It did not ever feel like satan would leave Samuel alone even had he lived. God did not allow Samuel to just drift off to sleep after suffering immensely, but gave us that day where we saw Samuel's joy and love which had been absent for weeks. And Samuel left strong. Samuel will not stop changing the world because he relocated. Stupid satan, you lose!

I wrote all this out because I want you to know that cancer is not the real enemy here. It is a tool of the enemy. Stupid satan is the enemy and he takes on many forms so let's aim the gun over the real target. And of course, don't give satan a foothold on cancer with poor diet. That is how he got into Samuel's life although it definitely looks like he would have tried to kill him in some other way had we not opened the door with diet. Once he realized that we were not going to allow poor diet to be the culprit of cancer, he just ruined his gut making it not matter what we fed him. I take it real personal that he stole my precious gift from God. Rest assured, I know how to hit satan where it hurts. Proclaim the love of Jesus. I will not be backed into a corner of grief only to pray for death. I will do what I always do in these situations. Come out fighting. May God bring to pass all the gifts He showed me last week, all the joy, and all the restoration. I will receive it and proclaim that God is good. He has surely picked me up, dusted me off, and gave me a new vision. One I am choosing NOT to share with satan at this time.

And my sweetest man in the world, Samuel; he sent me another song which responded to what I was thinking about after the dream I had of him where I picked him up healed. I was wishing that if the Rapture happens, that he would wait for me to pick him up and then we could go together. He said, "I'll wait for you."

Bonds

One of the hardest things to learn to live without has been the bond I had with Samuel while he was here. That bond that started from his birth and ended when he left. The best way I can describe it is that we knew each other before we met. That is the only way to explain the closeness. Samuel never cried for the first six months of his life. I remember mentioning it to my midwife who said that he didn't have to cry because he was being taken such good care of. He didn't cry because I met his needs before he needed them enough to cry. I can't say that for any of the other kids and I actually remember being surprised by the amount of crying Anna did even though I was there for her just the same, at least in those early weeks before we moved to the hospital for three months. When Samuel did start making noise, it was usually because he was trying to do things he could not do yet. When Samuel got deathly ill in 2004 and lost his voice, we had to try to figure out his needs without his help. It was a hideous time but we must have done okay because he came out of it with joy and without fear. After that, our spirits were entwined to the point where if he was sick, I would feel sick. I would know he was well because I would feel better. Even if he wasn't "well" yet, I would know he was on the mend. My joy revolved around his. I could "sense" him sometimes without even laying eyes on him. And Samuel knew me. He understood my needs and emotional state without words as well. It is just so difficult to wake up and realize that I can't sense him now. All of that is gone. I don't feel his joy, pain, emotions, needs, none of it. Now, I know he has joy and al his needs are met and that he is healed, but I wish I could sense it. I don't see how a bond that powerful on earth just breaks off when the spirit relocates. It is hard to wrap your mind around and yet, that is how it feels. I don't have that type of bond with any of the other children and I realized this week that I am so lonely for that special connection we shared. I know God made it that way so that we could withstand what we went through. Mark and I were just talking yesterday about how hard it would have been to do all we did with, say, Daniel. We have told the kids often, that if they ever got sick like that, we would do the same thing we did for Samuel, for them. But I know it would be so much more difficult because the bonds are not the same.
I had been overwhelmed all week with praise to God for letting Samuel be ours. I have written it on the Blog several times too. I am so thankful that I was his mom and he was my boy. Through this whole thing, we have seem many kids literally abandoned by their parents when things got too "rough." I am just glad Samuel wasn't the "boy next door" that suffered alone. We could never fathom leaving our boy alone day after day in the PICU yet others did just that. Babies cried and no one heard them. And of course, we could not comfort them either. I am thankful God chose us to care for Samuel while he was here. And as I thought of all the time we shared, how I never left him, never took "breaks" from his care, sat up with him night after night while everyone slept, I wondered how it is possible that all that bond, all that love, can just vanish when his physical body died. I don't get how he can leave me and not leave some remnant of that bond here. I can't "sense" him at all. Yet, I know that "sense" went beyond the physical body.

The bond between Mark and I is a bond similar to what Samuel and I shared. We think the same thoughts and vocalize them together. Then say, "Get out of my head." We feel the same about most things without even discussing them. We feel each other's joy and pain. Our worlds are complete when we are together. Mark completes me. I cannot imagine how he could leave the earth either and that bond would just vanish the way my bond to Samuel has. But I know it would be changed forever. Just a reminder to savor each day because you never know if your time is up tomorrow.

I go to bed each night and ask God to give me a dream about Samuel. Samuel in Heaven. I have dreamt of Samuel, but he is here and we are still trying to fix him. I usually wake up half disgusted. Half because I am always glad to see him but disgusted because I want to see him well. I don't have to take care of him and quite frankly, I don't want to dream about doing it. So I keep waiting for the dream to come. One thing I have learned in the last few months is that God will bring you what you need when you need it and if I am not getting the answer, it is because I don't need it, or can't handle it yet.

When Delma was on earth, I used to tell her that when she died and went to Heaven, she should come back to visit me if she could. She should come to tell me what she was doing, or just anything, I did not care what. I would remind her every time I visited. I have never gotten a message from her. And I waited for one too! I am certain she did not forget because I reminded her for years. Obviously, she cannot. Or I cannot receive it. I am actually starting to think the latter.

So this week as I have been pondering things and visiting with God about them, I asked God to help bridge the gap between my and Samuel's spirit. I haven't had a direct sign from Samuel in what seems like too long a time and I have been waiting. I asked God for a BIG sign and not to let me miss it. After that, I went about my daily routine. I had the TV on and the show I had been listening to was just ending. I was going to turn it off and get busy cleaning but stopped to watch the women singing during a Praise and Worship for a Women's Conference. I usually don't watch Praise and Worship but this time I sat down because I was drawn to the music and thought the singer was pretty. I was thinking I needed to get busy so wasn't listening to the words too much until she got to the chorus. "Even though you're far away, still I'm here to say, I am yours. I am yours." I lost it. Everything I had been thinking, feeling, wondering about, was answered. All of a sudden, I was really paying attention to the lyrics. "When I heard your voice, when you called my name, when I heard your voice, my heart yearned for you." And later, "I am yours no matter what, no matter what it looks like, no matter what it feels like, I am yours>" Everything in my spirit that was longing, asking and feeling separated was healed in that moment. It had been less than ten minutes since I asked for that BIG sign. I went into the kitchen to do the dishes after it ended but that song was cemented into my mind by then. Since it is a "Praise and Worship" song, I was uncertain it was really for me from Samuel. I thought about the song as a whole and to me it did not make sense that it was a song for God. If you have Jesus in your heart, then God is IN you. He is not far away. He is right here. I also could not argue that it answered all the things I was thinking so deeply, some things that only God could know, or know how to answer. Further, I was just asking for a "sign." You know a duck in a funny place, a dino, or something simple. I guess when I said BIG sign, He knew what I meant even more than I did. So I asked God to bring me another sign to confirm it. Asking for signs is a very scriptural thing to do. But the day passed and I did not really have anything that jumped out at me. I could not get that song out of my head though and until this day, I had never heard it before. I found it on Napster and bought it so that I could listen to it for the rest of my life and I can't hear it without tears. Every time. And I have listened to it A LOT over the last few days. Usually that effect wears off after you hear songs a lot but not this one. I tried not to allow myself to think too much about the song because I did not want to cling to it if it was not my sign from Samuel. That was hard too. As I went to bed, during my usual nighttime visit with God, I reminded Him that this was His last chance to give me a sign. Everyone was in bed for the night. Kaysha and Anna decided to have a sleep over together and I had tucked them into bed about 20 minutes before I even got into bed. When I say sleep over, I mean they sleep in the same bed even so they can be "cuddle bugs." So as I am talking to God, I say, "Tell Samuel that his Mama loves him and tell Delma to give him a hug and kiss for me. Tell him that I am happy he is free and finally healed and even though I might cry and miss him, I would not ever want him to come back here" I waited a few seconds. Then I said, "Now what does Samuel say to me?" Barely a second after I got that out, I heard the door to Kaysha's room burst open and Anna's footsteps coming into my room. She came to my side of the bed, and said that she loved me, and gave me a hug and kiss. Then she went to Mark's side and did the same. Then she happily went back to bed. Well, I can tell you that I was then wide awake. That is not something Anna does once she is in bed, especially when she is sleeping with Kaysha. That confirmed it. I was amazed by the timing too. I could not sleep for quite awhile after that. I was up to listen to my song and think. Not only that, but my baby had just given me his answer through Anna. And he went to his Dad to give him a hug and kiss and I love you too. That is just awesome!

What an awesome amazing wonderful God! I am in awe and so thankful that He is faithful to me. I have been living on a spiritual rush ever since. I asked for a big sign and I got it. It has taken me a few days to really let it all sink in and each day I get something new out of it. At first, it was Samuel letting me know that he is mine no matter where he is. Our bond is still alive and well. When he hears me call his name, he yearns for me. And today, I realized that his spirit is well aware of how my spirit feels here. A lot more aware than I thought. He feels me even if I don't feel him. As I just wrote that, I heard God say that HE feels us, our hurts, our passions, our everything even when we don't feel Him. It is up to us to give Him time and attention if we want to feel Him more. He won't just barge into our lives. How true is that? I am overwhelmed at the fact that I just reminded God that I have been patiently waiting and asking for something from Samuel and I know that he cannot just show up in the natural, God has to bridge that gap. And He did. Because I asked. Not because I did something to deserve it, but because I asked Him for His help. He healed a part of me didn't realize needed to be healed.

Samuel has now sent me two songs. One was "The Dance." It was sent days after he left us when we were dealing with not only the shock of physical death but also the massive amount of suffering he endured to stay. And we know he chose to stay for four years of it. It just hit like a ton of bricks. He woke me up at 2am to say it was all worth it. Whenever I think of his suffering here, I can play this song and be reminded of his take on it all. But the new song is a double edged sword cutting to my very core because I now know that bond remains well intact no matter how I feel about it here. And it will be just as intact when I join him one day. Perhaps stronger. I don't know how often God will allow me to tap into that bond and I haven't asked for another sign since Friday. I am still soaking in this one and so deeply moved at the compassion and love of my baby and my God.

Praise God that He hears us, He knows us and He is waiting for us to come closer to Him. He is there whether you feel it or not. As for me, I want to FEEL Him. I am overwhelmed by His goodness today. I have more to say but it will have to wait for another day. I pray you FEEL God as you read of His mercy and kindness to me this week.

The Dance

Samuel sent me a message. I had to share it with you. Many people say they get signs from loved ones who go to Heaven and I have been wondering how I would "see" a sign since I am legally blind. My sign would have to hit me over the head so I would notice it. Samuel is so smart, he found a way to give me a sign without having to see it at all and in a way I would KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt where it came from.

This morning at 2:15am, Anna, wearing Samuel's dino jammies, came to wake me up to say that her music wasn't playing. All the kids sleep with music playing. Samuel used to get up to get me if his music stopped playing in the middle of the night so I could restart it. This totally reminded me of him waking me and even the time, the 2am hour was right. Anna was listening to a CD but her CD player doesn't work quite right so I turned on the radio instead. The song playing was "The Dance," by Garth Brooks. I haven't heard this song in ages on the radio. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I love this song, owned this on tape when it first came out. My brother and I shared the love for Garth when we were young adults. Now let me say that I LOVE music, LOVE to sing and stopped listening to music and signing when Samuel was diagnosed because as Trisha Yearwood says, "The Song Remembers When." I did not want music haunting me from this time period so I have not really listened or longed to sing much. I immediately KNEW this came from Samuel who was helped by my brother Jason to pick it out. Something old enough from a MUCH happier time period and a song I truly LOVED. There are not very many songs that would stop me and make me immediately think they were sent. This one did. I know where it came from and that my brother helped pick it out. Those two must have watched my day yesterday and I can just hear my brother saying, "Well, we have to do something about that." I know Samuel would have asked my brother what to do to send me a sign I would not have to "see" because Jason was also legally blind. Jason would know exactly what I would need and picked out a song from his and my era. That just proves to me that they do watch, they know exactly what we are doing and they intercede for us.
I might add the song to the page once traffic slows down but for now, here are the lyrics.

THE DANCE by Garth Brooks
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

My baby said he could have missed the pain, but he would have had to miss his whole life with us. I never have listened to the lyrics of this song and thought of them being said by a six year old until now. This goes along with the word I got from God days before Samuel's spirit departed saying that Samuel chose to suffer to stay with us. God did not choose to allow him to suffer. God does not give us suffering. Certainly Samuel was afforded many opportunities to leave us and he stayed. He did not want to miss "The Dance." I continue to be overwhelmed by his spirit, his brilliance and his love. I really needed this today. It helps me heal from all the suffering Samuel went through. He said it was worth it. Can you even wrap your mind around that?

As I ended yesterday's journal, I was thinking that I would not have chosen to NOT have had Samuel to spare us the past four years pain and suffering. But I just wish that I could have changed that part, the suffering, the misery. I am so thankful to have had him even if for such a short time. I did not know how to put it in writing though. It makes sense in my mind, just not so much on paper. Today when I think of all his suffering, I hear him say, "It was worth it to be with you."