Four Years

The dogs woke me up at 5:30am this morning.  The sun streaming into our bedroom is their alarm.  I really wanted to sleep longer.  Normally, I am not so keyed in as to what day it is so immediately upon rising but today I knew.  I saw the time and thought that four years ago, Samuel had only 28 more minutes to be with us on Earth.  It was at about 5:30am that he woke me up and said so desperately that he needed me.

At 5:39am as I was pouring the coffee into the French press, I noted that he now had 19 minutes left.  About this time four years ago, Mark and I were at his side and he was drifting between here and Heaven, sometimes playing with us for the last time, and sometimes mumbling words in a language we could not decipher.

At 5:50am as I was pouring my second cup of coffee, I noted that he had only eight minutes left.  Eight minutes was probably the amount of time that elapsed between the first seizure that I am sure removed his spirit from his body, and the second seizure where with my hand over his heart, I felt it finally stop it's seemingly endless struggle to keep fighting to stay.

At 6am I thought about how I had lived my first two minutes without him.  We were still talking to him as if he were with us knowing that the spirit may linger to listen and see.  We removed all the medical horrors from his body and dressed him in clothes he would have liked, incidentally, it was pajamas I had two sets of.  One set is saved, one set was worn for the last time ever and is no more.

At 8am, now two hours and two minutes after he went to Heaven, I was sitting in the bathtub thinking it all over.  The way it was, how bad it felt, yet how relieved we were that he had finally gotten out of that body, such impossible emotions to reconcile.  I believe that four years ago at 8am I was also sitting in the tub, in shock and in relief yet in a hurry to get in and get out before the man came to take his body away.  I wanted to sit with him for every last second I could but I also wanted to be cleaned up and dressed for when the man arrived.  I wanted to touch Samuel's body for what remaining time we had left with it, to memorize it, for all the good that did, but I did it anyway because I knew that all too soon all that would remain of Samuel were his things, and a seemingly endless supply of pain.   How was it possible that just three days before he was sitting on that couch coloring me a dozen pictures and for a few hours, we were able to pretend that the inevitable wasn't going to happen?  How was it possible that just a year before that, we thought we had seen an end to the worry of a relapse?  How did it all go so viciously wrong?

I want you to know that in the realm of the soul, there is no remedy for such agony.   There is no thing in this world that can even remotely make this okay.  To watch, no, to help the purest love you've ever known in your life die after you've spent four years trying to help him survive all the while fighting screams inside yourself to do the exact opposite; it's an indescribable torture.

And yet...

As I sat in the bathtub at 8am this morning, I realized that it had been 4 years and two hours and two minutes that I had lived without Samuel.  It was in that revelation that the sorrow for this day turned into praise to God.  Praise because I have learned to live without Samuel and by live, I mean in the abundance that Jesus speaks of in John 10:10.  Life isn't just "hurry up and get done" but instead there is much joy even in the midst of sorrow.  I can live with joy because I know that through Jesus, Samuel also lives and his joy is fully complete.  Not the shadow of the joy we experience, but the fullness of joy.  By God's mercy and grace, I have experienced the evidence of Samuel's life and joy in Heaven as well as his continued concern for us on Earth.  Our love and devotion to each other remains well intact even if Samuel does not inhabit a physical body anymore.  And thus I can attest that only Jesus is the remedy for the horrors we endured throughout Samuel's life, as well as the torturous end to his life and the loneliness we still encounter because he is no longer physically here.  That said, I must also strongly testify that it was my choice to allow Jesus to mend my soul's woes spiritually.  It did not just happen. It took a great deal of effort, sorrow and tears.  It was not an easy process but it was a process that was well worth the effort and continues to be.  It's a process that I will continue on some level until I am with Samuel again.

To have chosen to remain in a perpetual state of grieving for the rest of my life would have taken no effort at all and thus no actual healing would have taken place either.  The wound today would be just as raw as it was in 2008.   I also believe that had I rejected the comfort and healing offered by our Savior, Samuel would not be allowed to "visit" me as he does.  It wasn't until I fully gave all of the mess of Samuel's life and death to God as well as the reins to my own life that He began to let me "feel" the glory of Samuel in Heaven.  Those "gifts"from Him healed my soul like nothing in this world ever could.  I continually chose to hang on to them when sorrow wants to creep in or when a walk down a tribulation lane seems inevitable.  I hang on to them on days like today and as you see, they lift me out of the pit of sorrow so I never reach the point of no return.

For the first year or so after Samuel departed for Heaven, we found fun little surprises he had left behind but those little tangible gifts are not more.  You know, things like the banana peel thrown behind the stereo speakers, a book that was discovered with his handwriting in it after all the rest were packed away, or the best one, his headprint in the wall from where he used to play dinos with Anna.   I think we have finally reached the end of these things until someone rips out the drywall all the way down to the floor in our room where the doorknob put a hole in it and Samuel and Anna thought it was great fun to fill the hole up with toys that would fit.  Ode to those days!  

Similarly, one might think that we have reached an end to the lessons he taught us from birth to death but thankfully this is not the case.  I believe the lessons I have learned, and continue to learn from Samuel will continue until I am reunited with him in Heaven.  For these things I am so grateful.   It would take me another hour or two to list all the amazing things he taught me about myself, about being a mother, about trusting my gut, about trusting God, about love, etc, and you can read the archives of this blog and find many of them in it.  However, again I must stress that a great many of these things were learned after and/or because he died; because I chose to allow Jesus to mend my heart.  Had I remained in grief, these amazing lessons and blessings would be unclaimed, possibly lost forever and my life and my heart would still be a wreck.  And worse -and worse is still possible- the healing that God has done (is still doing) in the parts of my life that have nothing to do with Samuel would also be nonexistent had I not chosen to allow Him to mend my heart because of Samuel.  Samuel changed my life - for the better, in spite of all the horrors and sorrows.   And so Romans 8:28 has been proven in my life.  And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.  

And speaking of blessings, pieces of Samuel's spirit continue to live on in Anna. You might find it most interesting to know that she, the child that has the fewest memories of Samuel, displays many of his personality traits.   While she might not remember as much as we wished she might, the very fact that she literally grew up a few feet from him at all times is evident in her mannerisms.  So we make it a point to point out to her the things that she instinctively does that were learned from Samuel.  A piece of him is surely in her.  That's a pretty special gift, not just for us to witness, but also for her to have within herself.  

The below video is footage of our first hike of the season at Snoquera Falls.  Mark and I visited it last fall.  Anna has been expressing interest in hiking with us this year.  The last hiking she did was with us when Samuel was here and she really seemed to be a trooper.  But then all the kids enjoyed it at that time.   Last year, however, Daniel wanted to go with us but did not enjoy it at all so we weren't sure if she wouldn't do the same thing he did.  Whine way too much....but thankfully, we were pleasantly surprised.  Little hiker Dee is back after about a four year hiatus.  We did this four mile trek and she never complained even once.  She led the way just as Samuel enjoyed leading the way both literally and metaphorically.  There were so many pieces of Samuel evident in her on this hike that I wanted to share it with you.  (I just got the camcorder, still experiementing with settings and a good way to carry it the footage doesn't look like a drunk took it.)

To my baby, just a thought away. 

So many gifts you left behind for us to discover.  Thank you for all of them.  The end of your physical life was certainly not the end of you nor the beginning of a neverending sorrow.  I was so wrong about these things and I am glad that I was.

I'm also glad that you gave Little Dee so many pieces of yourself in your short life.  Though she certainly is her own person, she acts a lot like you.  I cannot think of a better role model for her to have had for the first four years of her life.  Those are some of the most important as you well know. 

I miss you.  I can hardly wait to be with you for eternity.  But until then, it is as I said it would be on this day four years ago, I know where you are and you know where I am. And you have certainly fulfilled your promise to check on us every day.  Thank you for that most.

With more love than can be expressed.
Mama

Adversity Day

Out of the blue a few days ago, Anna said, "I feel really sad."  Mark and I both asked why.  She replied, "Because I didn't get to go to your wedding."  We both laughed a bit and said that it wasn't all that great and she didn't miss much.  Fortunately, a wedding ceremony has no bearing on a marriage's success or failure and this is something we stress to our kids when the subject of our wedding comes up so that they don't make the mistake of equating our disdain for the ceremony with our love for each other and the gift of being married.  

Our wedding was filmed and we did tell Anna she could watch the video if she wanted to but we didn't recommend it.   If you watch the video, you'll get a little sense of why that is. 
Picture little wedding chapel at the Reno Hilton.  It's pretty enough.  It wasn't the chapel that was the issue.  It was the guests.  Not all of them.  Just some.  The first thing that happens in the video is I walk down the aisle as fast as I can walk in heels, alone.  My father attended the wedding, but he did not walk me down the aisle.  This was a big deal when the planning of the ceremony took place.  Who will walk me down the aisle?  Well, let's see.  Should my father who is embarrassed by my pregnancy and feels my marriage will fail in a very short time walk me down the aisle and give me away?   I think not.  I, at least, had the good sense to NOT allow this lie to be a part of this ritual.  Should Mark's father walk me down just so that a father accompanies me, you know so it "looks" right to those not in the know?   No, this didn't make sense either.  So the music starts and I come flying down the aisle.  In the background, you can hear one of my mother's friends calling her attention to this "travesty."  My mother already knew this was going to happen but ignored her.  Mark also was clueless about this until it happened.  He later commented that I should have told him and we'd walk down the aisle together.   It just didn't matter at that point.  The whole thing wasn't about us if you want to know the real truth.  It was about being able to say we were married before people could see that I was pregnant and unwed.  This was a ceremony to keep my parents from being embarrassed by my, their 23 year old daughter's, sin. 

Now, mind you, Mark and I were engaged well prior to my getting pregnant.  In fact, we were planning to wed in his parents gorgeous backyard.  They were very much into gardening back then and their yard was picturesque.  We were even going to figure out how to get Bud there so I could ride him down the aisle.  This was planned for August-ish of the same year.  The pregnancy was cause to move it to April instead, again for the sake of my parents more than anyone else.  To be clear, Mark's parents were supportive of our marriage and wedding wherever and whenever it took place.   Had my parents been like Mark's parents, our feelings about our wedding day may have been much different.  But I digress.  It's in the past.  There was really no good solution.  The "happiest day of my life" wasn't.  I won't lie about that part of it.   I certainly learned a lot from it, more every year that passes.  I put these kinds of memories into the file in my mind that is labeled, "Things I won't do to my own kids." 

The best thing that came out of our wedding in Reno was that Delma was able to attend.  Delma, the one and only person I knew fully supported me, period.  No matter what.  She was well pleased for Mark and I, never once saying a word about the strange ceremony.  I am pretty sure she knew what was up and I am also certain that if she had been in my place, she'd have done the exact same thing.

While neither Mark or I think much of weddings at this point, we are quite grateful for our marriage.  We would not change any part of it for the world.   When we met, we were two broken people who immediately found in each other pieces that began to mend our hearts and our souls.  That mending began the process of marriage well before we ever had a ceremony.  We knew pretty much immediately that we were made for each other.  It was obvious in that we had a hard time being separated.  This is still true today. 

I cannot help but think back to Delma telling me over and over that I just needed one person to truly love me in this life and that is how I would not just survive but also thrive.  At that time, she was the one and only person that fit this bill.  Then I met Mark and for a time, I had both of them.  I had two people I could count on to love and stand by me 100% of the time.  The true hand off for the care of my body and soul at our wedding was from Delma to Mark.  Neither knew it at the time.  This is clear now.  Delma died less than a year after we wed and I believe she went to Heaven certain that I had found the one person who would love me through the rest of my life.  While she may not have believed her time to go to Heaven had fully arrived, while she might have wished to stay a little while longer, she left knowing I was in good, reliable, loving hands.

Sixteen years have come and gone. Some years were sweeter than others as far as the trials and tribulations of life go but one thing that was never in jeopardy was our marriage.  Our love was and is strong and true no matter how disappointing the wedding ceremony was.  No matter how utterly devastating Samuel's cancer diagnosis on this day eight years to the day after the wedding was.  We got through both of those days cleaving together as God intended.  April 20 seems forever marked as a day of adversity for us.  There just is no way around it for now.  But thanks be to God, adversity hasn't broken us.  Instead it strengthens us and draw us closer together.  This is something even our children can clearly see.  Clear enough that one wishes she was able to attend our wedding.   Now there is a gift you don't get every day.


Happy Anniversary "Adversity Day" to my beloved Mark,

I am yours and you are mine.  Unconditional love is all that truly matters in this life.   I'm glad we both knew that from day one.  My heart is ever always yours no matter the circumstance.  I am blessed by God to be your wife.  

With all my love,
Jen

Skookum Flats

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, we visited the Skookum Flats trail.

We visited this trail over the summer but it was one of those hikes that was photoless.  Read: not very interesting.  (looks MUCH prettier in the now)  It's an eight mile stretch that is fairly flat and borders the White River. 

There are actually two trail heads for it.  One on either end of the eight miles.  The first visit, we started from the closer trail head (to us).  We walked well over the half way mark before turning back.  There are a few waterfalls on this trail which are the main attractions but they were sparse at the time of our last visit.  Rumor had it there was also a suspension bridge but we never found it.   Many of the hikers we passed on the way back asked us if we reached it but we told them that apparently we did not walk far enough.

This trail is open to dogs, bikes and horses and as we parted the first time, we decided it would also be good if the kids ever want to come along as it's not difficult walking.  Perhaps we'd bring a couple dogs as well. 

The other thing we decided was that this would be a wonderful trail to hike in the snow.  And so it was.

We and an elk herd were the only ones there.  We never saw the elk but we did follow their tracks the entire way.  One of them, Mark said, was lazy like Bud because he could tell it drug its feet through the snow rather than pick them up.  (Bud is offended!)

The majority of this is woodsy with light grades.  The snow added a little more work to the uphill but it was fine.  Snow doesn't scare me anymore.  In fact, I am really enjoying it. 

I enjoy nothing more than doing the things I never thought I'd be able to do.

We did find some bridges on this side of the trail, but not the suspension bridge.  We didn't walk far enough to meet up to the place we stopped on the last hike though.   We arrived late and weren't able to walk as fast in the snow.

Every time we came to an outlook, we would hope for a glimpse of the bridge in the distance but we never saw it.  Then the question becomes, "How much farther do we want to go?"  Of course it would suck to have walked this twice and find out the bridge was just around the next corner.

I watch the time more than the mileage.  How long have we walked?  Will another 15 minutes really kill us?  We'd walked about an hour and a half through mostly forest with occasional river view areas that were way too high for us to actually get down to the water.  However, another 15 minutes brought us to an area where we believed we could get to the river and apparently the elk had the very same idea because it was their tracks we followed down.

Yeah!  I love this. 

The bigger picture.  How awesome is this?

 It's coffee time...  This is what it's all about.

Now, it's picture time.  Okay, THIS is what it's all about!

And all too soon, it's time to head back.  Obviously, we never found that suspension bridge.  (I love bridges)

4x4ing.

This was such an awesome hike!

There was one cliff edge on this trail that had a makeshift fence added to it.  We thought it was a little strange since there were other cliffs that weren't guarded.  On the way back, I actually tripped and nearly fell as I was looking at the odd way the fence was attached to the cliff.  After we arrived home, I looked this trail up on the Internet to see if I could find anyone who posted a picture and/or an exact location of the suspension bridge.  I did find it.  Only, the storm of 2006 destroyed it.  That was the same storm that took out the road to the Carbon River trail set which we visited so much with Samuel. As it turns out, the strange fence was where the bridge used to be.   Well, that answers that!

On the walk back I was counting the bridges to determine how close we were to the trail head.

There were two of these.

The second one meant were were nearly there.  This was the part of the trail where my knee was telling me it was done.  The place where every step was an effort.  I actually like this part (after the fact) because this is where hiking becomes hard and yet rewarding. 

The last little bridge and we're so close!  My poor camera got so cold that it froze while it was on.  Thankfully we were both warm the entire time.  (Of course I was dressed like the abominable snow man to stay warm.  I was actually too hot most of the way.) 

When Mark went to fix the camera, his body heat steamed up the lens making a few pictures a bit blurry.  It's okay, I still like it.   It adds "personality."

Next hike will occur when it is actively snowing....

Can't wait!

In His Words

Let God be true and every man a liar.  (Romans 3:4) 

The earth is the LORD’S, and all it contains, The world, and those who dwell in it.  For He has founded it upon the seas  And established it upon the rivers.  Who may ascend into the hill of the LORD?   And who may stand in His holy place?  He who has clean hands and a pure heart,   He who has not lifted up his soul to falsehood and has not sworn deceitfully.  He shall receive a blessing from the LORD And righteousness from the God of his salvation.  (Psalm 24:1-3)

 By the word of the LORD the heavens were made; all the heavenly bodies by the breath of his mouth.  He gathered the oceans into a single place; he put the deep water into storehouses.  Let all the world fear the LORD; let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him; because he spoke and it came to be, because he commanded, it stood firm.  (Psalm 33:6-9)

“I form light and create darkness, I make goodness and create disaster. I am the Lord, who does all these things.  “Shout, you skies above, and you clouds, and let righteousness stream down.  I am the one who says to the earth, ‘Let salvation blossom, and let righteousness sprout forth.’  “Woe to the one who quarrels with his makers, a mere potsherd with the potsherds of the earth! Woe to the one who says to the one forming him, ‘What are you making?’ or ‘Your work has no human hands?’!  Woe to the one who says to his father,  ‘What are you begetting?’ or to a woman, ‘To what are you giving birth?’!”  This is what the Lord says, the Creator of the signs: “Question me about my children? Or give me orders about the work of my hands?  I myself made the earth and personally created humankind upon it. My own hands stretched out the skies; I marshaled all their starry hosts.” (Isaiah 45:7-12)

The Lord does whatever pleases him in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all it's deep regions. He makes the clouds rise from the ends of the earth; fashioning lightning for the rain, bringing the wind from his storehouses. (Psalm 135:6-7)  He shields the heavens with clouds, preparing rain for the earth and making grass grow on the hills. (Psalm 147:8)

He sends out his command to the earth, making his word go forth quickly. He supplies snow like wool, scattering frost like ashes.  He casts down his ice crystals like bread fragments. Who can endure his freezing cold? He sends out his word and melts them. He makes his wind blow and the water flows. (Psalm 147:15-18)

He made the earth by his power. He established the world by his wisdom, and by his understanding he spread out the heavens.   When his voice sounds, there is thunder from the waters of heaven, and he makes clouds rise up from the ends of the earth. He makes lightning for the rain and brings wind out of his storehouses.  (Jeremiah 51:15-16)

God thunders with His voice wondrously, doing great things which we cannot comprehend.  For to the snow He says, ‘Fall on the earth,’  And to the downpour and the rain, ‘Be strong.’ He seals the hand of every man, that all men may know His work. (Job 37:5-7)

Look! The one who crafts mountains; who creates the wind, who reveals what he is thinking to mankind, who darkens the morning light, who tramples down the high places of the land— the Lord, the God of the Heavenly Armies is his name.  (Amos 4:15)

 

  God is truly awesome, beyond what we know; the number of his years is unknowable.  He draws up drops of water, distilling it to rain and mist.   When the clouds pour down; they drop their rain on all of humanity.  “Furthermore, can anyone understand cloud patterns, or the thundering in his pavilion?  He scatters his lightning above it, and covers the bottom of the sea.  He uses them to judge some people and give food to many.  His hands are covered with lightning that he commands to strike his designated target.  His thunder declares his presence; and tells the animals what is coming.”  (Job 36:26-33)

From the south, a whirlwind proceeds, out of the icy north winds.  From the breath of God ice is produced, and a wide body of water is frozen.  He also loads the clouds with moisture, scattering his lightning with the clouds.  It whirls about in circles at his direction to accomplish all that he commands throughout the surface of the entire world, whether for discipline on his land or to demonstrate his gracious love, he causes it to be realized.  (Job 37:9-13)

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained; What is man that You take thought of him, And the son of man that You care for him? Yet You have made him a little lower than God, And You crown him with glory and majesty! You make him to rule over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet. (Psalm 8:3-6)

The Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.  He stores up sound wisdom for the upright and is a shield to those who walk in integrity—guarding the paths of the just and protecting the way of his faithful ones.  You will understand what is right, just, and upright—every good path, for wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.  (Proverbs 2:6-10)

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not depend on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Do not be wise in your own opinion. Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.  This will bring healing to your body,  (Proverbs 3:5-8)

 A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)  

If a man’s steps are directed by the Lord; how then can anyone understand his own way?  (Proverbs 20:24)

Lord, Direct my footsteps by your promise, and do not let any kind of iniquity rule over me.  (Psalm 119:133)

My feet stay where his footsteps lead; I kept on his pathway and haven’t turned aside.  I haven’t wandered away from the commands that he has spoken; I’ve treasured what he has said more than my own meals.” (Job 23:11-12)    

Because my steps have held fast to your paths, my footsteps have not faltered.  I call upon you, for you will answer me, God. Listen closely to me and hear my prayer.  Show forth your gracious love, save those who take refuge in you from those who rebel against your sovereign power.  Protect me as the most precious part of the eye; hide me under the shadow of your wings  (Psalm 17:5-8)

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, making the Lord his trust. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by a stream. He won’t fear when the heat comes, his leaves will be green. In a year of drought he won’t be concerned, nor will he stop producing fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

How joyful is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding, because her profit is better than the profit of silver, and her yield than fine gold.  She is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire compares with her.  Long life is in her right hand, and in her left are riches and honor.   Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peaceful.  She is a tree of life for those who embrace her, and whoever clutches her tightly will be joyful.    (Proverbs 3:13-20) 

Indeed, what a man does is always in the Lord’s presence, and he weighs all his paths.  (Proverbs 5:21)

A man’s steps are established by the LORD, and the LORD delights in his way.  Though he stumbles, he will not fall down flat, for the LORD will hold up his hand.  I once was young and now I am old, but I have not seen a righteous person forsaken or his descendants begging for bread.  Every day he is generous, lending freely, and his descendants are blessed. (Psalm 37:23-26)

 I lift up my eyes toward the mountains— from where will my help come?   My help is from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.  He will never let my foot slip, nor will my guardian become drowsy.  Look! The one who is guarding Israel never sleeps and does not take naps.  The Lord is my guardian; the Lord is my shade at your right side.  The sun will not ravage me by day, nor the moon by night.  The Lord will guard me from all evil, preserving my life.  The Lord will guard my goings and comings, from this time on and forever.  (Psalm 121)

 

For who is God but the LORD, and who is a Rock other than our God?— the God who clothes me with strength, and who makes my way upright; who makes my feet swift as the deer; who makes me stand on high places. You have given to me the shield of your deliverance, and your right hand holds me up; gentleness made me great. You make a broad place for my steps, so my feet won’t slip. (Psalm 18:31-36)

I waited expectantly for the LORD, and he took notice of me and heard my cry.   He plucked me out of a pit of confusion, even out of the quicksand; he placed my feet on a rock and established my steps.  He put a new song in my mouth, to our God! Many will watch and be in awe, and they will place their trust in the LORD.  How blessed is that strong person who places his trust in the LORD, and who has not acknowledged the proud nor resorted to lies.  LORD, my God, You have done great things: marvelous works and your thoughts toward us. There is no one who compares to you! I will try to recite your actions, even though there are too many to number.  (Psalm 40:1-5)

Worship the Lord in holy splendor; tremble before him, all the earth. Declare among the nations, “The Lord reigns!” Indeed, he established the world so that it will not falter. He will judge people fairly. The heavens will be glad and the earth will rejoice; even the sea and everything that fills it will roar. The field and all that is in it will rejoice; then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy in the LORD’s presence, because he is coming; indeed, he will come to judge the earth. He will judge the world fairly and its people reliably. (Psalm 96:9-13)

Hear my cry, O God;  Give heed to my prayer.  From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint;   Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For You have been a refuge for me,  A tower of strength against the enemy.  Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.  (Psalm 61:1-4)

 Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon him while he is near.  Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous person his thoughts. Let him return to the Lord, So he’ll have mercy upon him, and to our God, for he’ll pardon abundantly.  "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and are your ways my ways?” declares the Lord.  “For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.  For just as the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, yielding seed for the sower and bread for eating, so will my message be that goes out of my mouth— it won’t return to me empty. Instead, it will accomplish what I desire, and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.  For you will go out in joy, and come back with peace; the mountains and the hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees in the fields will clap their hands.  Instead of thornbushes, pine trees will grow, and instead of briers, myrtles will grow; and they will be a sign for the Lord, and an everlasting name that will not be cut off."  (Isaiah 55:6-13)

Be in awe, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations.  I will be exalted throughout the Earth.  (Psalm 46:10)

 Trust in the LORD and do good. Dwell in the land and feed on faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  (Psalm 37:3-4)

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In My Words

Thank you, Lord, for such a magnificent day!  One of the best!   Dayenu!   I am still in awe of the Snoquera Trail and all it's unexpected treasures.  I felt Your presence so strongly there as You fulfilled the desires of my heart on this day. Desires I didn't even know were there in fact!   The rain held back, the snow fell lightly, and the whirlwinds at the top were amazing and awe-inspiring. They were so brisk and strong, it was like we had entered another world there for a few minutes.  As my beloved said, "Everest!"   I loved that part the most and was not afraid though those winds should have terrified.  The fall colors and textures of rock among leaves, moss and snow delighted my eyes and soul.  I couldn't help but take many pictures as the views were so pleasant and unexpected.  Of course, my beloved leading the way provided further joy and beauty to each scene as we ascended and descended.   Thank you for keeping our physical pain at a minimum and special thanks for not letting "the magnet" take me off the cliff - You know the spot I'm referring to.  The whole day was nourishment to my soul and You never fail to teach me as I walk.

As we were heading back down the mountain, Mark said to me, "I wish 'so and so' could see you hiking like this.  Wouldn't they be amazed?"  We've had this conversation before (in regard to the fact that I'm legally blind and hiking on mountain tops)  but this time my answer was much more thought out.  In fact, my answer to that question had been on the tip of my tongue for the entire hike.  Only it was more about You than me, Lord.  

I said, "No, they wouldn't be amazed. They'd find some way to twist the accomplishment into an ash heap or make it all about them regardless of how magnificent it might be, simply because 'I' did it."   Mark agreed unaware that He had just entered into a conversation that You and I had been having for the entire ascent. 

This is exactly how so many people treat You, Lord.  Even those who say they know You.  (1 John 1:6)  They twist the marvelous works of Your Creation into allegories or random accidents.  They call the warnings and/or blessings ascribed to us through Your presence in weather, "Mother Nature."   They refer to Your Word as outdated, useless and defective and thus refuse to read anything containing it - including this entry.  "Jesus" is a swear word and calling sin what it is equates to a hate crime.  They label Your truth a lie, Your morals perverse, and Your laws too cumbersome, while they embrace "The Liar" distinguishing themselves as enlightened - even gods.  They fail to perceive that rejecting parts or all of Your truth is inviting disaster, even total destruction. 

It really doesn't matter what You do, they despise it. Certainly, it is these whom You warned us not to share our pearls with.  (Matthew 7:6)  Assuredly, Psalm 18:25-26 is also true: to the holy, You show Your gracious love, to the upright, You show yourself upright;  to the pure, You show Yourself pure, and to the morally corrupt, You appear to be perverse.


I know how You must feel - to a much lesser degree of course. This is that "shared suffering" You speak of here (1 Peter 4:12-14) and You are certainly my promised comfort in that.  I am also aware that this no grand surprise to you. (Romans 1:18-23) And while I am disturbed by the various ways Your glories are trampled here on Earth, I also pity those who will never truly know You.  Furthermore, I pity the ones who believe they know you while their deeds and confessions prove they obviously do not.  Those who profane Your Name in this manner while claiming to be Your children are the hardest to turn back to You.

But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, “You are my God.”  My times are in Your hand;   Deliver me from the hand of my enemies and from those who persecute me.  Make Your face to shine upon Your servant;   Save me in Your lovingkindness.   Let me not be put to shame, O LORD, for I call upon You;  Let the wicked be put to shame, let them be silent in in the grave.   Let the lying lips be mute which speak arrogantly against the righteous with pride and contempt.  How great is Your goodness which You have stored up for those who fear You,  which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You  before the sons of men!  You hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the conspiracies of man;  You keep them secretly in a shelter away from the strife of tongues.  Blessed be the LORD!  (Psalm 31:14-21)

Amen and Amen.

Psalm 104:1-35

Deliberately in Love

God chose the birthday of my beloved to be 40 some-odd years ago yesterday, approximately 4.5 years before my birth.   While I was making his birthday feast yesterday, I couldn't help but ponder whether God had knit Mark together with me in mind, or if He had knit me together a few years later for Mark; as if the answer to that question really makes any difference in the grand scheme of things.  (like the chicken and the egg dilemma)  The conclusion I came away with is the one I always come away with when I think of Mark; I don't know where I'd be today, much less who I'd be today, if God hadn't planted Mark into my life, as my beloved husband. He fulfills me and he frees me, all at that same time.   Not a day goes by that I don't stop and marvel, at least once but usually many times, at the incredible blessing our relationship is.  In spite of all the hardships we have endured, our relationship remains fresh, vibrant, exciting,  thoughtful, gracious, joyful and brimming with love.

These are qualities people we encounter notice and comment on.  We receive their words always as a compliment.   Many simply say, "You guys sure have something special."  Others tell me, "I cannot ___ with my husband the way you ____ with Mark."  (There are a multitude of ways to fill in those blanks but the majority of comments have to do with communication)   One of my favorite comments came about a year and a half ago from a man we met through a business transaction.  He assumed we were newlyweds and was shocked to find out that we'd been married over 14 years.  He said, "Wow!  You guys act like newlyweds.  My wife and I act, well, old."  

As I give thanks for Mark's birth and place in my life, it seems fitting to receive yet another comment/compliment - from Daniel.   He was trying to annoy Kaysha the other day by telling me she said she was "madly in love" with a boy down the street.  I can always tell Daniel is lying making stuff up because his tone of voice changes and he cannot hide the goofy grin on his face so I asked him, "So what do you know about 'madly in love'?" That took him aback for a second.  He's the kid who likes to test whatever the latest slang is and most of the time, he doesn't even think about what it means before he says it.  I have found that nothing stops his childish blabbering like some adult questioning so I pressed him further. "Just who do you know that is 'madly in love'?"

"Uh," he stammered, "well, I know you and Dad are madly in love."

"And who else do you know that is 'madly in love' like we are?"

A few seconds elapse before he says, "No one."

While for Daniel, this little conversation was just another lesson to file under "diarrhea mouth" (a term my 6th grade teacher used to fondly call idle foolish chatter/gossip) for me this offered a rare glimpse of his impression of us as a couple, not as his parents.  It's a nice thing when people we meet remark positively about our relationship but it's a huge blessing when our kids notice.  Unlike the adults, they are still impressionable, and more than that, no one knows you like the people who live with you.  Your kids know what you are like when there's no "audience."   That said, I remember my parents' marriage vividly and let's just say they were NOT 'madly in love.'  Mad at each other often, yes.  In love, no.   I always promised myself growing up that I'd never live in or foster that kind of environment, and I don't.   I'm thankful to God each day that He has fulfilled this desire of my heart so wonderfully. 
I know that our Heavenly Father is the giver of good gifts; gifts which He gives to all who live on Earth.  (Luke 11:13, James 1:7)   It is after all, His goodness that draws us to Him. (Romans 2:4)   Once we've received any gift from Him however, it is up to us to care for it properly in order to receive benefit (blessing) from it, or to benefit (bless) others because of it. (Matthew 25:14-28)  Blessings do not result out of ignorance, carelessness or woeful disobedience.  These behaviors result instead in the revocation of the original gifts.  (Matthew 25:29)

The other side of the promise in Matthew 25:29 is multiplied blessings for he who uses his gifts from God wisely.  Obedience = blessing. As I daily count the blessings I receive from my marriage and marvel at how they've seemed to multiply faster and faster each year, I only need to read this scripture to understand why.  God gave us the gift of each other and to fall 'madly in love' (that is such a stupid phrase)  is easy.  To stay 'madly in love' requires deliberate effort. 

I would not say we are 'madly in love' but instead "deliberately in love."  We have gotten out of our marriage exactly what we have sown into it. Our treasured relationship is the result of years of deliberate actions to nurture, to bless, and to build up.  Deliberate efforts to communicate effectively, to forgive and to compromise. I could continue the list for many lines but I believe the most important "deliberate" is to do everything together.  It's impossible to "grow apart" when you cleave together. 

Every year I mark where we are in our relationship as certain anniversaries come and go and every year I always end with "I just cannot imagine this could be any better" and a year later, I eat those words because we continue to grow closer, stronger, and more deeply fulfilled.  I cannot imagine my life without Mark in it.  I would not want to.  On that note, I think I'll start a new trend and write that I cannot wait to experience another year's worth of blessings from faithfully cleaving to my beloved.

Song of Solomon 5:10-16
 My beloved is dazzling, with a dark and healthy complexion, outstanding among ten thousand.  His head is pure gold, his hair is wavy, black like a raven.  His eyes are like doves by streams of water, bathed in milk, mounted like jewels.  His cheeks are like beds of spices, like towers of perfume. His lips are lilies, dripping with liquid myrrh.  His hands are rods of gold, set with beryl. His stomach is carved ivory, inlaid with sapphires.  His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice like its cedars.His mouth is sweetness, and all of him is desirable. This is my beloved, this is my friend.


Happy Birthday to my beloved who is also my best friend.
With all my love,
Jen

Norse Peak Trail

Yesterday we chose to hike the Norse Peak Trail.  It proved to be a little ambitious on my part. (read, the trail kicked our butts and we had to turn back earlier than planned)   Maybe it was just an off day for us, perhaps we were a little tired from the work we have been doing around home lately (read, we've gotten more done around the house in the last few weeks than the last ten years).  Okay, you get the picture, right?

This is how it works, I pick the trail and Mark gets us there. All the trip reports said this trail was "moderate" as far as difficulty.    I figured after the Palisades Trail, this one would be a snap.  It was similar in mileage (10-11) and elevation gain (2800) but with better views along the way.  I really did not think we'd made the peak but instead go to Goat Lake which makes the trip more like 7-8 miles round trip with a little less climbing.  

We found the trail to be a very well manicured but mostly sandy due to horse traffic. The sand added a whole new element to our workout and I think that is what tired us out more than any other factor.   I really wanted to see some horses but all we saw was poop.  We didn't mind though.   We laughed about how stubborn Bud would be here.  He wouldn't have made the first turn. 

At any rate, I printed out a map which showed 13 switchbacks to the top and following that, moderate grades to the peak.  We counted them but soon lost count and at each one Mark simply called out that we were still going "up."  (on the way down, near the bottom, I handed my map to a pair of women telling them "good luck, it's all up but at least now, you have a map")

Our trail was straight across from Crystal Mountain Ski Resort.  Mark took this picture of the restaurant atop Crystal so I could see it when we arrived home.

You take a gondola up and eat with a 360 view of the area.  On a clear day you can see several volcanoes.  Sounds fun, we might try to do this if it's not too expensive.

The first view of the parking lots for Crystal.  These are where the kids played on the gigantic snow pack plowed out of the parking lot a year or so ago.  I've never seen it clear of snow until now.

Mark's telling me to please take another few steps forward to see... 

Mt. Rainier peeking at us, of course!

I was busy looking at God's meadow.  We are at 5k feet here and the flowers just started to appear for us on the trail.  LOVE IT!

A little farther up and over, the parking lot appears nearer.

This is my favorite kind of trail if I cannot hike by water.  A mountain peak trail filled with flowers and amazing views.  The breeze here was so refreshing.

We even managed to NOT forget my poles!

This area was just awesome as well.  We had conquered many of the switchbacks and were enjoying the slow grade in the more open meadows. 

Rainier again.  This was the best view spot we got to.  It was enough.  We'd had enough "up."

Overlooking Crystal, the parking lot and now high enough to see Rainier too.  Hard to believe that just two hours before this was taken, we were standing on that road below looking "up."

We took a break in a small meadow.  Mark took this picture and the one below to show me the cloud cover that remained in our home town.  When we took off for this hike, it was overcast. On the drive up, it actually sprinkled.  Another few miles and we were in clear blue sky. 

Looking toward home.

Taking a break.  Deciding whether we'd keep going or head down.  Opted for down.  We'd been going for 2.5 hours and it was enough. 

I took this picture hoping to see evidence of the trail we were on.  We were in the above trees on the left in this picture somewhere.  The rock formation on the very top of the mountain in the middle is Norse Peak. We were about 1.5 miles shy of reaching it but we were certainly "up" close to there. 

Another view of the mountain we were nearly to the top of.  Maybe next year.

On the way home, I snapped this picture of the Palisade Peak. It's the rocky peak directly in front of us.  We stood on that!

Here it is closer.  We walked the entire top surface you see here.

Here I am on it.

And here is Mark on it.

We climb little mountains and we stand on top of our world for a few moments together.  We enjoy it immensely.  It's amazing to drive down a stretch of hiway and point to a peak and tell someone, "You see that?  We stood up there." 

We're a little more tired than sore today and I haven't mentioned my knee in this update because it was 99% fine!!!!!!