Showing posts with label Homeschooling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Homeschooling. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Hands Full - Proclamations

Psalm 101 (ISV)
David's Proclamation

1.  I will sing about gracious love and justice; Lord, I will sing praise to You. 
2.  I will pay attention to living a life of integrity— when will I attain it?
3.  I will live with integrity of heart in my house.  I will not even think about doing anything lawless; I hate to do evil deeds; I will have none of it.
4.  I will not allow anyone with a perverted mind in my presence.
I will not be involved with anything evil. 
5.  I will destroy the one who secretly slanders a friend. I will not allow the proud and haughty to prevail. 
6.  My eyes are looking at the faithful of the land, so they may live with me; The one who lives a life of integrity will serve me. 
7.   A deceitful person will not sit in my house; A liar will not remain in my presence. 
8.  Every morning I will destroy all the wicked of the land, eliminating everyone who practices iniquity from the Lord's city.



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I just started reading the Psalms in the International Standard Version and Psalm 101 jumped right off the page as one that needed to not only be memorized, but nailed to the doorposts and tacked to bedroom walls as a constant reminder of how we are to live.  If some of the verses seem a little harsh to you, remember that David wrote this when he was King of Israel.  I was strongly moved to rewrite it for myself.  See below.

Jen's Proclamation
1.  I will sing songs of praise and thanks to You, God, for I am nothing without You.
2.  I will remember that people are always watching my "godly" example.  When will I ever stop saying cuss words?
3.  I will live innocent of evil within the walls of my home.  I will never even consider doing anything disobedient to You.  I hate sin and wish it be eradicated from my house.
4.  I will not entertain perversion in my house, nor will I be involved in it.
5.  I will expose the one who stabs the backs of friends or family members.  I will not ignore two-faced arrogance.
6.  My eyes are looking for faithful, godly friends to surround me, my children and my husband.  Anything less will not be established. 
7.  A deceitful person will not set foot in my house and I absolutely detest liars.
8.  Every morning I will destroy wickedness from within my home by reading and obeying Your words and teaching all those You have placed in my care to do the same.

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Tomorrow, I am going to have Kaysha and Daniel write Psalm 101 as  David wrote it, then write their own proclamations using Psalm 101, using David's and mine as a framework.  Once they have them perfected, I am going to tack them up, each in a place they specifically spend a ton of time in, so that they will see and read them daily.  I'll let you know how they turn out!




Where Joy and Sorrow Meet
 
 
"Hands Full" is my Thursday blog feature about the full time job of raising children according to God's Word. If you are a Christian parent who has chosen to forgo materiality to put your children first by being home with them, who may also homeschool them (an often thankless job the worldly show lowest esteem for), you will find this feature both an exhortation and an encouragement to keep living out the will of God. You will also find that, if you allow it, God will use your own children to teach and correct YOUR relationship with Him. Please feel free to share the link.
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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

September Days

Fall is a time for the friends and family avalanche of birthdays and of course the beginning of school.  Daniel starts it all off.  He celebrated his 12th birthday last week culminating in an all-nighter with his friends playing video games in our trailer.  Ah, the taste of freedom!  They look quite chipper after staying up all night.

Perhaps, now he can fully concentrate on school.   School is such a rude awakening for him this season.   The biggest thing for him to learn is going to be perseverance and perseverance is all about attitude. 

Each of my children have been blessed with "attitude," LOL, and now is the time of molding them in such a way that they will be positive qualities, not annoyances.   I have found that as Kaysha and Daniel get older, we need to have more and more real world conversation.  Constant and often repetitive communication.  It's a blessing to me when I see things actually sink in and watch them make good choices.  It's a blessing that they have enough confidence in me as a parent to come clean when they have done wrong.  The greatest blessing is seeing them learning to be responsible for their choices and actions.   I can tell already that this is going to be quite a year for "growing up" for my big kids.

So, what does Anna think of school?

What?

Okay, that's better.

The biggest change to our schooling this year is what we chose for Kaysha.  She is schooling completely online this year with a WA public school curriculum.   She is in 8th grade, been homeschooled since 1st grade, and it is fully time for her to transition into the real world.  She would like to attend public high school next year and our agreement is that if she does well following the curriculum everyone else is following meaning getting good grades and also demonstrates that she has a good head on her shoulders as far as life choices go this year, then she can go. 

 The online school is the best of both worlds as far as I'm concerned.  She is following the public school curriculum and pace, has five different teachers she is now accountable to, but has none of the teenage drama of middle school, and still has total access to Mom as teacher too.  She is up at 7am and done by 11am with the exception of if there are projects that require extra time.  I am really liking this a lot because it frees me up to work with Daniel and Anna a lot more or take care of Bud midday since he is still needy.

What does she think about this?

Apparently, it's a good change.  As for me, I like the structure, class planning, online sessions for extra help, student forums, etc. 

While Daniel will be working on attitude and perseverance this year, Kaysha will be working on doing a complete job on things by thinking things through first, vs. rushing to get done as quickly as she can missing integral steps along the way.  Her teachers are doing a great job of catching this and sending her work back for her to "complete correctly."  So, now it is not just me nit-picking this.  Sometimes you need to hear from others before you believe your parents apparently.  Kaysha is very grade conscious as well so will redo assignments if they do not meet her standards and the school will allow for this as long as it is done immediately upon receiving the scores.  I really like this because I don't allow them to get away with handing me crappy work either; they always have to redo it.  My hope is that long term, Kaysha will learn to do things right the first time; reading all directions carefully and being diligent to take the time necessary to think things through, form a plan of attack and do a good job.

Early this week, her science teacher let her know about the project assignment for this week.  Each student had to build something, (they gave a list of examples) label it, explain the scientific process associated with it, and then answer several more questions.  At first, she was not enthused but here is where a redirection of attitude comes in.  "Let's make it more fun and less work, " I say.  At first she wanted to build a planet because it was "easiest" to build but when I started to question her about the process associated with a planet, she didn't know where she would go with that idea.  So, she decided on building a volcano instead.  I did a volcano science project in school so it was fun to watch her do hers.  (The dinosaurs were my idea, for Pooper.)

I'm really liking this role of being more supportive, less teacher-like aspect of Kaysha's schooling at this time.






Want to see it erupt?






Want to see it on video?  She submitted pictures, a written assignment and a video.

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Friday, February 26, 2010

What Do You Think You're Doing?

Don't you just love it when someone asks you, "What do you think you're doing?" Based on the phrasing of the question, the questioner obviously thinks you are doing something wrong which will lead to failure and they most assuredly know a better way. They also know you will never listen to them so they sit back slightly annoyed and yet still intrigued enough to watch ready to pounce when you fail miserably. And then when you actually succeed, they are perplexed. Then the question changes to, "How did you know to do that?" Funny how that works.


A few things have come up lately that made me think of these questions. When we told our respective friends and families that we were planning to have our first child at home in the bathtub, we got this kind of reception. Nobody really came right out and said we would regret it, but it was obvious that they had their own opinions and figured that we just need to learn for ourselves. Perhaps they didn't believe we would actually go through with it. What we learned was that homebirth was the most awe-inspiring, empowering, and beautiful experience and we would never want to have a baby anywhere else. Of course, after the fact, people who were certain we would regret it, or wind up in the hospital begging for drugs, are now amazed and intrigued because we have done something they have never done. Topping that off, we did it four times. They say, "You're brave." Or, "You're insane." I say, "No, I just knew what I wanted to do and I did it." Birthing babies is one of the most intimate things a woman can do in this life and I desired it to be a certain way, and it was. Each birth experience drew Mark and I closer in the most intimate ways. After homebirthing, it didn't feel like there was anything we could not do together.


Then there's the other end of the spectrum. One I didn't expect. Some people think you are either joking or flat out lying when you tell them you had your babies at home in the bathtub. Kaysha has told all her friends that she was born at home in the tub and that is why she is such a good swimmer (LOL) and her friends parents don't believe her. Either they think we lied to Kaysha or they think Kaysha is lying to them. I told her friend that I have the pictures to prove it but they probably don't want to see them.........


We also got a similar reception, or maybe an even worse one when we announced we were pulling our kids out of Christian school to homeschool instead. Another decision that was good for our family especially in light of Samuel getting cancer in the very first year we schooled at home. I cannot imagine what life would have been like had they been in a school system at that time. The Christian school I paid $3k for Kaysha's 1st grade year allowed her to get C's, D's and F's without contacting me before the report cards came out. When I complained LOUDLY, they changed her grades to B's and C's saying they somehow misplaced some of her assignments. Then, again, at the end of the year, the report card came out with C's, D's and F's again with no warning mid-term AND passed her on to 2nd grade. I was livid. What had happened was that they hired a first year male teacher who obviously did not have a clue how to teach. Kaysha went from top of her class in kindergarten to failing 1st grade. The teacher told me he thought C's were good grades because that was what he got. Yes, and I paid for that. It took me several years to get Kaysha to unlearn the bad habits she got in that one year. We didn't pull her out mid-year thinking it would do more harm to her psyche than good. The school dissolved a year later and now sits empty. Rumor was that it was because of this particular teacher. He was also the 2nd grade teacher and I certainly wasn't willing to give him a second year to screw things up even more. Once again, I had expectations and when they weren't met, rather than whining and doing nothing, I took care of it. I don't know why this is such a novel concept but apparently it is because I have neighbors who are upset about what their kids are being taught, or don't seem to be learning in school, yet they keep sending them to the very place they think is doing a terrible job.


So my kids are thriving learning at home and some of the neighborhood kids are jealous telling them how lucky they are while others tell them they are dumb because they are homeschooled and try to trick them by asking them questions even they don't know the answers to. Incidentally, the kids who attempt to insult them are the ones who get suspended from school regularly for fighting, are the neighborhood bullies and are failing their grade. Seems they are seeking attention they are obviously not getting at home. I also know that many of them are repeating opinions their parents have told them about homeschooling. I make sure my kids are very aware of these truths as they trek out each day so they can identify the garbage judgements being spilled on them and ignore them. They know what their test scores look like each year and how they compare to the rest of the state in their respective grade levels. I know they are happy, well-adjusted, kind-hearted, respectful and talented kids who aren't afraid to have a conversation with their parents about what is going on in their lives. They are not afraid to ask why people say what they say, or do what they do and they trust our judgement. We don't care what other people think. We do care what God thinks. Considering everything they have been through, I feel very blessed that they are doing so well.


And of course, there's Samuel and all we chose to do and not do for him. All with a lot of the same judgemental reception from so many (who thought they knew better) at every turn. But just lately some questions have come up. Kind hearted questions from people just learning of Samuel trying to make their own critical decisions for someone else who ask, "How did you know to do what you did?" "Why did you choose such and such?" "How did you know it would work?" "What made you do that?" "Did you have an example to follow?"


The more time elapses, the more I look back with amazement because I know we did something no one else has done. We made so many huge decisions against medical advice, decisions with no "professional" support, and decisions we were told we would regret. These decisions worked for Samuel. They improved his quality of life, they prolonged his life and most importantly, they preserved his glorious spirit. Mark and I never made any choice regarding Samuel that we both didn't agree 100% on. We talked endlessly in 2004 about this choice or that choice that might lead to relapse and if that happened, we wanted to be able to look back without regrets. Today, we have no regrets about the choices we made. Obviously we wish Samuel would have been healed on earth, but that decision was out of our hands. The decisions that were in our hands are a huge source of pride for us today. Taking care of Samuel's body and heart was the hardest thing we have ever done, but we did it together with God's help from beginning to end. And therein lies the answer to all these questions whether they be asked about homebirth, homeschooling, or cancer treatment.


How did we know to do what we did? We listened to our conscience and the Holy Spirit which are one in the same for the most part. Why did we choose such and such? Because God pointed it out. He showed us what we was looking for. He brought complete strangers into our lives to help guide and support us when all my familiars would not. We let peace rule our choices. If we didn't have peace, we knew we were wrong somewhere and sought to make it right. How did we know it would work? We didn't. We trusted God and believed He would not fail us. What made us do that? Love and compassion. We put others needs above our wants. Did we have an example to follow? For homebirthing, yes. For homeschooling, yes. For Samuel, no. we followed Christ. We listened to what He said and we did it together in complete agreement We trusted that He knew better than we or any other human. We trusted even when everyone thought we were insane, uneducated, or misguided. It wasn't easy but following God never is. People often ask you what you think you're doing. We've just gotten used to it. Our confidence is in Him. He gave us every thing we needed to do what needed to be done and that includes living in the aftermath of it all.


While we are well accustomed to naysayers reactions to our "unique" choices, we are aware that our kids are not. Not yet anyway. Thus far they embrace the choices we have made that directly affect their lives. They like that they have a different life story than most. Praise God for that. My prayer is that they will come to understand that following the path God has set before them trumps every opinion, every human judgement, and very often worldly wisdom. Friends and family may not always understand or want to follow along. Sad but true. There are crossroads in life where you have to make a choice; to live as the world lives, a mediocre but somewhat comfortable life at best, or to rise above all that, take some risks and follow Him. Following Him makes some people uncomfortable. It embarrasses some. It makes others angry. Expect it and get over it so you can move on to do something magnificent with Him.

As a four year old, one of Samuel's favorite spunky questions was, "What do you think you're doing?" I have it recorded on video. It sounds so cute when he says it and he wasn't trying to be rude, he just had a unique way in which he articulated things. You know, like an adult.

What did we think we were doing? There were times I know we were following Samuel's lead. He led us to find parts of ourselves we didn't know existed. He led us to do things thought impossible. Even in his absence, I am left with a huge sense of accomplishment because of his spirit and his life. I am well aware today that he knew things even then we had yet to learn. Things we are still learning because we chose to walk the road not taken. This is a legacy I want for all my children and I pray that when their time comes to walk an unknown road with the Lord, that I will be their cheerleader and not their naysayer, a helper and not a hindrance.
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Friday, June 5, 2009

Shunts and Stomas and Surgeries, Oh My!

Kaysha and Daniel's SAT scores are back. Wow! Kaysha took the 6th grade level test and most of her scores were high school grade equivalent. Needless to say, this is her best year ever. I always look at her math scores the closest because this is her weakest area overall. She averaged 8th grade there. Since we schooled basically all the past year, she is going to take the summer off from formal schooling and just do a lot of reading. This will be good for her.

Daniel's scores were a bit more average. He took the 4th grade test and scored pretty much within the grade level or a couple above. His weakest subject remains Language Arts year after year. His strongest is Math. He is going to also spend the summer reading but will also be working on Language Arts. I have changed his curriculum here several times trying to find something that works for him and we just received a brand new system right before the testing that I am excited about. So, much to his dismay, he will be working on that all summer.

Since the weather has warmed up and the rain has mostly stopped, the big kids spend endless hours down at the creek. The same creek we always took Samuel to play. The same creek where Anna was throwing rocks and accidentally hit Samuel in the side of the head right after we found out he relapsed. The bruise lasted forever and we have this shining moment on video. In it, Mark asks the kids if they want to go throw rocks in the creek and they all of course do. When we watched it, Mark heard himself ask this and said, "No, don't go throw rocks.......bad idea." This is the same creek that flooded the whole neighborhood last winter. We have lived here over nine years now and the big kids are finally able to enjoy the freedom of going there by themselves. Well, not exactly by themselves. There is a huge group of kids the run with these days and for the most part, they all get along really well. Daniel has a lot of friends which is a huge difference from last year where he had one. He still battles shyness but if swimming is involved, he will put himself out to be included. There are only two girls in the neighborhood that are Kaysha's age. Both go to school and of course, don't like each other. Kaysha is the type of girl who will give anyone a chance, usually likes everyone and especially enjoys little kids so it is hard for her to wrap her mind around cliques. I explained to her the reasoning behind one girl not liking the other and what going to school was like when you had an obvious handicap. It was a foreign concept to her that someone would just look at you and base being your friend on appearance. In the case in our neighborhood, there is the cute thin popular girl with lots of friends and the direct opposite; the heavy goth girl with thick glasses and few friends. Ever since meeting the less popular girl, Jocelyn, Kaysha normally runs with her. She spends endless hours at our house and we all enjoy her presence. I cannot say the same about the other girl. We had invited Jocelyn to church with us last weekend but then we took the flu detour so that did not quite work out. Hopefully, she can come this weekend. (YES!!!!!)

It is Jocelyn who consistently asks about Samuel. She is the one who asked about his pictures and just this week, asked where his room was. Kaysha told me she asks about him a lot. She wanted to know what he was like and what he liked to do. It is surreal in a lot of ways. It has been a good thing in that previously, Kaysha never really talked about Samuel at all. It has been as if she just ignored the fact that he is no longer here. A few weeks ago, we were sending pictures to Esther in Ghana and she wrote that Samuel was seven now. As if he moved away. And I guess that is exactly the way it is, just interesting how they process. I suggested that she show Jocelyn Samuel's baby book and maybe some of his videos. She plans to soon. Everyone has been dragging his baby book around lately. Anna showed it to her friend just yesterday and everyone agreed that Samuel was the cutest baby ever. Kaysha wants to have a baby boy that looks just like Samuel. Daniel's friends have come in and mistook Samuel's pictures as being Daniel. And then Daniel came and asked me how old Samuel is now. Not was. Not would be. Is.

And speaking of the baby book, there are a few pictures in there of Samuel's shunt when he was still shaved and the stitching was new. Also, of his stoma with no bag. Anna asked me about these. She wanted to know what happened to his head to which I replied, "Remember when you played dinos and he was the three horn and always hit you with his horn? Well, that was how the horn got there."



And look at how happy he is!!!!!

That was a sufficient enough answer for now. I am certain we will revisit it in the future. Then she asked me about his stoma and what that was. That answer was a little more difficult since she doesn't understand the parts of the gut and why one would be sticking out.


So I told her that the stoma was like his butt and he pooped from there into a bag. She said, "Well, his butthole is in the wrong place." I laughed and said, "It sure was." She doesn't remember the stoma at all. I then showed her the picture of the surgery and scar where they put it back inside and told her that this was where they put his butthole back in the right place. That ended that conversation although the "wish we had never done that" thoughts raged around in my mind.










In other news, I received word this week that I am officially part of Compassion International as a Child Advocate. I now represent this ministry. Child Advocate seems a natural title for me given the last several years of my life. The interview process took several weeks and one of the things I was asked to share was my testimony. That is a strange question to be asked given I have known the Lord my entire life vs. spent most of my life rejecting Him until some climactic moment where I accepted Him. I have walked with the Lord for all the days I can remember. Sure there were varying degrees of obedience and fruit from the labor, but He was always there and I knew it. I shared a brief synopsis of my life culminating with the events of Samuel's life and death. I have walked through the pits of hell where most people would give up on God. Most would ask, "How can a loving God allow all this suffering?" Most would be so angry with the way things turned out that they would not even want to hear God's name mentioned alongside loving kindness, mercy, grace or love. My testimony is that I am not most people. I am chasing the Lord with all my heart, all my soul and all my being. My life is more about loving the Lord and serving Him now more than ever. I know who the enemy is. I know where Samuel is. I have come to the place in my life where I am willingly surrendering MY will for what I thought my life was going to be about and allowing God to lead me into what His will for my life has always been. In all my wanderings here on earth, I represent Jesus Christ. I don't want to let Him down. I have never been more serious about the commitment.

I have lately been praying that God open the eyes of my Heart to see things the way He sees them and then show me how I can help. Little by little, He has allowed me to see things around me. Things in the neighborhood. Things in the spirits of others. You know what? It is breaking my heart seeing the way people treat their kids, each other, and take for granted all their God given gifts. It hurts to see people with so much potential wasting their lives. I actually asked Him to give me a break from "seeing" because things were so sad. Day after day, life goes on, people do whatever they please, and they constantly break God's heart with their actions, their words, and how they treat others. That behavior stops at the doorpost of my household. It is not coming into my house. If it sneaks in, it is quickly reminded of the rules. Like it or leave.

With that said, if you are feeling overwhelmed by the condition of the world, don't allow that to be a reason for inactivity. Start by straightening up the atmosphere in your heart, then in your home. From there let that change spill out into your daily contacts and into your neighborhood. One touch from God can change a life and He will use you to touch people if you allow Him to. Let God take your life and lead you where He wants you to make a difference. One thing I can tell you for sure: He will. But I also know that true change begins with you, in your heart. I have spent the last year allowing God to work on mine and He is far from finished. It is a painful process but the rewards are worth the work.

The Lord honored my request for a break I just realized. We have all been stir crazy ready to take a trip and get out of this house for awhile. Our little day trip around the mountain was nice and all but we were mainly stuck in the van the whole time. Things have come up seemingly every weekend that have stopped us from getting away....until now. The kids pretty much want to swim wherever we go while Mark and I want to hike. Mark suggested we go to the beach for a day and then trek over to the Hoh Rainforest for a day hike. You might remember we went to the Hoh in 2005 for Samuel's birthday. This is the trip I always refer to when I think of how well he did and felt with the ostomy. He was the little trailsman leading everyone on the gorgeous trail. Unfortunately, storm damage has closed this area for years after we had been there and there was no place to stay unless you liked tenting it (which I don't) or had an RV which we didn't until last year. I did a quick search to find trail conditions and found this. The store was always there but the website wasn't and I don't know if the RV park was either. It is perfect. 20 miles from the ocean shore and about 15 minutes drive to the Hoh trails. So, we are going.

I have been to the Hoh twice in my life. The first on a spring trip with some college friends. We were not able to stay very long and I always wanted to come back and spend some quality time there. The second was with Mark and the kids. We weren't able to stay long that time either. Anna was just a year old and Samuel had many medical needs which meant day trips were short. We also did not have the "Backus Bus" (van) then either so traveling was very difficult. Today, it is a snap. This place is gorgeous! You can drive all over Western WA and it pretty much looks like the same place anywhere you go. But when you drive off the hiway into the Rainforest entrance, it is like you entered another world. And let me tell you, I need to "go to another world" to refresh my spirit. This is probably my favorite place on earth, next to the beach. Being very close to the beach is simply a bonus. So, we are going next week. Not for a day. Not for two days, but for several so I will actually finally have time to explore and enjoy it. Mark is certain Samuel will come along with us and I am sure he will too. Lately the lights flash in nearly every room I walk into and there is still no reason for it unless I give off an electrical charge I am unaware of. We are all very excited to go but probably no one more than I. Of course, I wish Samuel could really go, you know with a body we can see and a laugh that echoes miles away. I wish he could lead us down all the trails and jump and play in the water. I pray that I will feel his presence close to me there the way I felt him so strongly at the beginning of April. Then I know sorrow will not infiltrate our trek there. At any rate, God obviously had His hand in me finding this now, at the exact time I was ready for it, so I know there will be "treasure" there. I cannot wait to find it.

Hoh Rainforest 2005
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Monday, May 4, 2009

"Between Births"

This was the subject line of an e-mail I received last week from my friend Sue who was wondering how I was getting along during this seventeen day period......between Samuel's birth on earth and his birth into Heaven. It is so cool when people can wrap their mind around our experience enough to express it back to me in writing. Obviously, most people don't routinely consider death as birth and certainly I didn't until we went through it and Mark recounted it as feeling like a birth. I let Sue know that each day that passes only gives me more assurance that Samuel is exactly where he is supposed to be. As we approach the one year mark of his relocation to Heaven, this assurance and God given peace helps immensely as we continue to live without Samuel.

Last year, these seventeen days "between births" were undoubtedly some of Samuel's worst on earth. They were some of our worst as well. The days between Samuel's earthly birthday and May 1st were extremely emotional and difficult both due to the events we knew were coming and the medical personnel involved in our care who made things worse. The decision to bring in hospice was an unexpected blessing and we had them with us for all of May. In my mind, I am certain that if the devil had his way, Samuel would have died in April so I look at his eight days in May as gifts to us from God. For these eight days, every person who came near Samuel (when he was awake) was a loving caring still believing in miracles soul. All of the hospice RN's were angels on earth who made an unthinkably horrible situation bearable. I will be eternally grateful for Elinda and Betty and I had the opportunity to send them my thanks again, just last week.

Last year at this time, Samuel's physical death was our last hope beyond a miraculous healing. We just wanted his suffering to end considering that his pain was never managed for long. It was a living nightmare realizing that we were his life support for four years and now we had to STOP trying to save him and let him die. That was a viciously painful reality. Time was precious and time was the enemy. In his good moments, I wanted to freeze time and in his bad moments, I wanted God to steal him away from all this. I wanted to pick him up and carry him away to a better place but there was nowhere I could go that made the nightmare go away. The only answer, the only hope, was his Heavenly birth. Sending him to a place I have never seen, to a God I have never seen, to a place I couldn't accompany him to, and to a place even his beloved duck, Sara, could not go. We had to explain all of this to a six year old and he trusted us and our faith enough to listen. And after that he taught us a few things too. Tomorrow, May 5th was the day Mark and I realized Samuel was never going to have his pain managed enough to be able to play again. The whole point of hospice is to give the person as many "good days" as they possibly can. Samuel had good ten minute blocks here and there before the pain seized him again. The drugs tricked him into feeling okay and then abandoned him to the tremendous pain that no one seemed to be able to wrap their mind around. On May 5th, Elinda asked if we just wanted to give him as much pain meds as it would take for him to just go to sleep and never wake up. We agreed knowing that all Samuel's best moments were behind him and it would be selfish of us to keep him conscious in this condition. I called my mom to tell her that if she wanted to visit him one last time, that this was the day. And yet, I just couldn't wrap my mind around "going to sleep and not waking up" knowing that we were agreeing to do it to him. I wanted God to choose when he would "go to sleep." I did not want to "drug him to death." There simply wasn't any other "humane" choice. Hospice decided to switch Samuel's meds from the elephant dose of Fentanyl to an even bigger dose of Dilaudid. Dosing our Onc said would have killed a healthy adult in less than an hour and that was only for the 5th. We ended up tripling that dose before it was all over. The switch took all day to mix meanwhile I was upping Samuel's Fentanyl every hour in double and triple amounts to attempt to catch up on his pain cycles. Our Onc was afraid that would kill him and I asked Elinda what the worry was all about considering that Samuel wasn't expected to live anyway? It was stupid! She really took charge of this situation and asked the One, "What are you thinking? This is hospice now, let us do our job." Well, as you know, Samuel did not go to sleep and die that day but instead smiled, played, colored, opened presents, entertained visitors and LOVED us all.


I wanted to freeze time. He had spent so many days before that keeping odd hours, taking several naps in the daytime, falling asleep when he was talking, etc. but on this day, he never took one nap until 6pm where he slept an hour and then got up to see my Mom one last time. He told her he wanted her to bring him a dinosaur coloring book and I thought to myself, "Now, where is she going to find that?" But she said she prayed and she found one so she brought it along. We looked at every page of it together that evening though he never touched it with a crayon. We shared in the excitement that he was going to go to Heaven and Samuel was happy. That was the night he said he would check on us every day. We talked about everyone we knew in Heaven and my Mom told Samuel to say hi to my brother Jason for her. It was one of those Joy and Sorrow filled days to be sure. The Dilaudid arrived in the evening and we switched over and I hoped that he would not really go to sleep and not wake up because the day had been so good......good in comparison to the ones that came before it. I wanted more. Many more. He rested peacefully that night with me sleeping right beside him. I had a cot right next to his bed and every night it was there he wanted me to put him in my bed so he could test it out first. He thought that was so funny. I woke up several times that night to check on him and feared that morning would come and he would not wake. But at 6am, he woke up ready for the day. He came downstairs and asked to sit on the floor rather than lay on the couch so he could color what would be his last picture.




He finished it up and asked to be on the couch again. Then he went to sleep. We were planning to get platelets that day but I soon feared he wasn't going to wake up. That thought that he wouldn't wake up terrified me and while I wanted him to continue to sleep peacefully, I also wanted him to get up and tell me he was okay. I called Mark to relay this fear to him and told him I was going to try to rouse Samuel who had then been sleeping four hours straight without waking even though I talked to him, moved him and changed his diapers. He did finally wake up when I asked him if he wanted to go get platelets or just sleep. I told him that if he wanted to sleep, he would probably go to Heaven very soon but if he wanted to get platelets, he would be able to stay a little longer. He woke up immediately then and told me he wanted to go get platelets. Then he briefly cried telling me it wasn't fair that he had to leave me. I cried as I held him telling him it wasn't fair for him to suffer here when he didn't have to. He went back to sleep and slept the whole way to the hospital, hardly woke when we were there, and slept the whole way home. The kids were so upset that night when he just slept no matter what you did to his body. I reminded them that he could still hear us. Mark helped me sit with him in my lap rocking him in the chair for what would be the last time. I imagined he was a little baby again and told him how much I loved him over and over. At one point, in his sleep, he reached his arms up and hugged me and then went back to sleep with his arms around my neck. The kids went to bed that night telling Samuel goodnight with him waking up for barely half a second to acknowledge them. We thought that was all we would get. But then on the 7th, he woke me up at midnight ready to play so downstairs we went to watch Pokemon and Land Before Time. He was up and down for most of the 7th difference being that when he was up, he was awake fully unlike the day before where he couldn't hardly do a thing. On the night of the 7th, he told everyone goodnight, hugged everyone, kissed everyone and told them he loved them. For the kids, that is their last memory. A very awake alert loving brother who was just going to bed like any other night. Daniel's words echo in my ears to this day, "See you in the morning little buddy." Samuel said, "Okay, see you in the morning." I somehow knew the moment I heard it that it would not be so. And in all this, I thank God that I got what I wanted. God chose to keep Samuel with us for these last few days as awake and alert as possible. I didn't choose when Samuel would leave us, Samuel and God did. I will always remember May 8th as Samuel waking up and deciding NOT to spend another day here in misery. It was his choice to stay another day or go and he chose to leave. In so many of his last days here, Mark and I told him he could go to Heaven at any time he wanted. Samuel always said, "Okay, well not yet." I wish I had known then what I learned on the morning he left because then I would have said, "Well, you just call Jesus when you are ready to go and He will come for you.." That is exactly what he did and I am certain it was Jesus Himself who came to get him.

During this time last year, Kaysha and Daniel had to take their annual SAT's knowing Samuel was going to die without another miracle. They just took their SAT's for this year last week. In the time Samuel was here, Kaysha and Daniel took these tests with about three months of total schooling for the grade level. I chose curriculum based on how fast we could get through it knowing that something always came up that prevented us from schooling all year. In the last year, however, they have had about ten months of schooling (much to their dismay) and each child came back from the test saying how they felt VERY well prepared and that it was all easy. Of course, I have yet to see the results but in previous years, they excelled well beyond their grade level so it will be interesting to compare what 3 months of school does for them vs. 10 months.

Last year at this time, the big kids had only a few friends because of fear of germs coming into our home. This year, they have quite a handful of friends and I am enjoying getting to know them. Daniel went from a shy boy who never went anywhere without Kaysha to being the gatherer of the neighborhood. They regularly are out with their homemade bows and arrows building forts, playing games, etc. Doing normal kid things that they only just in the last year, got to be a part of. Kaysha has been to and had a few slumber parties as well. Most of these friends are post Samuel friends. They know about Samuel but never met him. Ksyaha had a friend over this weekend who walked down the hall and asked her who drew all the pictures on the wall. Kaysha said, "My brother." The friend asked, "Daniel?" Kaysha says, "No, my little brother. He loved to color." Then the girl came into where I was sewing and asked who was in the picture on the wall. "It is Samuel."


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It really hit me this weekend.......people are going to come into my house and they will never know Samuel. They will see the evidence of Samuel, they will ask who colored that picture, who is the boy in the picture they don't see living in our home. He looks so full of life? Where is he? What happened to him? I wonder......... will they want the short answer or the long one? It is hard to explain Samuel to people who never knew him. Words are not enough. Samuel was love. He was blood, sweat and tears and it was all worth it. Caring for Samuel was the hardest most rewarding "career" I have ever had and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. And yet, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and I am glad it is about a year behind us. For every day that passes, I am just one day closer to seeing him again. When I picked out some of Samuel's pictures for this page, the pictures felt as lifeless as the box of ashes in my room. A two dimensional image will never do justice to the life he lived or the blessings he brought with him. Pictures will never represent what he taught me about life, about who I am, who I became because of him and what he taught me about God. So much of what he taught me occurred in this interim "between births."

This last week, Anna came into the kitchen for breakfast and noticed the window open and breeze coming in. She stood in the chair to look out the window and said, "Hello world. I love you Jesus, I love you Samuel. You are my best friend forever." Then she went about her day. Anna is where joy and sorrow meet as well. She is happy but if you look closely, you can see she is looking for Samuel in everyone she meets. She misses her friend. Anna also has several friends in the neighborhood now who can come over and help ease her loneliness. Apparently, part of her friends coming over includes a tour of the house which stops in my room to point out Samuel's remains which I was unaware of until this past week. She told her friend that in that box was Samuel's body. Her friend came downstairs distraught so I explained to an almost five year old what happens when a person dies; where the body goes and where the spirit goes. Anna had already explained this to her but she needed confirmation. Last year this same week, I had the very same conversation with Kaysha and Daniel. And you think, "I should not have to be doing this......these are kids!!!!!!!!! They shouldn't have to think about this." Well, it is a much harder conversation when the person you are discussing is in the next room alive. Last year, it was horrible. It was much easier this year. Funny thing is, I never explained this to Anna like I did the big kids. She just knows. I believe Samuel showed her. Remember, Anna was the first to have a vision of Samuel last July 4th. In our back room, she was calling his name and I came in to find her reaching up to the ceiling trying to take a flower he was handing her. She said she didn't know how to reach it and that Samuel said thanks for sending him to Heaven. God allowed Samuel to show her probably because we assumed she wouldn't understand. I realized in Anna's "tours" how important Samuel's area in my room is to her. I knew she visits it every day to play with his toys but now I realize it is much more than just that. At any rate, I ended up accompanying the friend home to chat with her mother about our conversation. This particular friend knew Samuel and her mother assured me that they HAD talked about death and dealing with the body, etc. Obviously, it didn't sink in to the child's mind until she came to my house and saw reality.

I think Anna has always seen things clearly and correctly expressed her emotions. When Samuel was diagnosed and we lived in hospitals for three months, she always seemed to express the emotions we had to repress because we were "adults" after all. When Samuel had some of his worst days, she would be terribly whiny and clingy for no reason. She was obviously upset about him. When the useless doctors stepped foot into our room to tell us they still had no idea why XYZ was happening, she would belch in their faces, scream in their ears or puke on their shoes when they gave her fake acknowledgement. When I brought her home from the hospital on the nights we were not allowed to stay with Samuel, she was hideous. I thought it was because she thought the hospital was her home but I now wonder if she was just mad about being separated from him. She was his friend regardless of how he felt or how he treated her. She just wanted to be with him and she did it with the love of Christ. She was going to be there for him regardless of how he felt about it. When she came downstairs the day he died, no one told her he was gone, she just knew he was gone. She didn't even enter the room where he was laying after he had died but went to the back room instead until his body was taken from us. She knew in her spirit he was gone the same way she knew in her spirit something was wrong even when she was a brand new baby. I totally misjudged the effect Samuel's life and death would have on her. I assumed it would be my big kids most affected because they would have more memories of him. I was wrong. She has been connected to him from the day she was born. Probably before that. You won't be in her company long before she is telling you about Jesus and about Samuel. You won't enter into her house without getting a tour that includes a visit to her brother's memorial complete with a lesson about what happens when you die and how she cannot wait to get to Heaven to be with him. She will tell you how he is her best friend. Not was, but is. She doesn't cry about it and she isn't overly dramatic either. She just wants to make sure you know Samuel was her brother, that she loves him, and that he is still VERY relevant to her even if YOU cannot see him and she will bring you right to the foot of the cross to do it. She isn't going to ask your opinion about kids dying. She isn't going to ask if you want to see what her reality looks like. She is going to show you the physical evidence of one of her greatest loves, and then she is going to point you to Jesus so you know where true hope lives. She is going to tell you that Samuel's body is in that box but his spirit is with Jesus. She is being honest about how much Samuel means to her and how much Jesus means to her. She has picked up where Samuel left off. She doesn't ask IF you believe in Jesus, and she isn't going to be politically correct. She lives for Jesus and she loves Jesus. She is sharing Christ without reservation and without apology to anyone she comes into contact with. It doesn't matter to her your age. It is a lesson Jesus Himself was trying to teach while he lived on earth and oh, if we could all just get this and do it. In Luke 18:16 Jesus says “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God." In Mark 9:37 He says “Whoever receives one of these little children in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me, receives not Me but Him who sent Me.” Mark and I talked about Samuel's box in our room and if we should move it. We talked about Anna's tours and whether we should make our room off limits to visitors But now I see what she is doing in the grand scheme of things and I don't want to forbid it. God's army on earth is most benefited by the littlest children and Anna has Jesus with her in a way that Kaysha and Daniel don't. I look forward to see how God will continue to use her and I will not stand in her way.

This interim time between births has reminded me that "I" am still in limbo as well. I feel like it is time for me to do something again and I have been crying out to God to lead me where He needs me to be. I really wish we could sell everything and be free from the ties that bind but that is not currently part of our reality given the state of the economy. Just over a week ago, I found myself annoyed by certain people around me who seem to have no clue about reality. Death really puts things into perspective and with each loss I have mourned from Delma, to my brother to Samuel, I have been radically changed. So, I was actually annoyed to be so annoyed about other's pettiness until I realized that I haven't felt annoyed like that since before Samuel died. The thought occurred to me that I must have been able to think of something else besides Samuel to be that annoyed. I had been asking the Lord to take that "annoyed" feeling away from me but He left it there to fester until I realized I must be "living" again to have felt it. At the beginning of April, God graced me with the vision of Samuel that stripped away a huge burden. By the end of April, I was able to move beyond my own grief enough to actually feel dip my foot back into the water of the life going on around me (and it annoyed me greatly because so many people don't appreciate what they have). I feel like I am on the cusp of something and I know God has been preparing me for something in this last year and knowing God, probably all my life. I am not clear as to what yet, but He has shown me some things to do right now that I started in this interim between births which has blessed me tremendously. I will share at a later date. But God knows I am a "hands on" kind of person. I am not content to read about it. I am not content to watch. I want to "do." There are a lot of things and a lot of people that need God's army to touch in this world with the love of Christ. We are to be God's hands and feet. His children have dominion over this world and it is time to take it back and occupy until He comes as we have been commanded since Genesis. I am ready, God. See, I am putting it in writing. I am ready to be Your hands and Your feet. Lead on. I am ready to serve in a more "active" role.
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Monday, August 25, 2008

Camp

My big kids spent five days last week at "Wilderness Camp." My Mom paid for them to attend camp this year just weeks after Samuel went to Heaven. They were both excited to go based on all the activities which were included. I talked to Daniel specifically about going because I knew that he would most likely NOT want to go as the dates grew closer. I was right. I sat him down two weeks ago to talk about when life brings you opportunity, you need to take it because you might not get it again. I reminded him that camp was something Samuel never got to do and even had he lived, would have never been able to do. The talk helped, and he went. And he had fun! I knew Kaysha would be just fine and she was. If it is social, she is right in the midst of it. When I filled out their applications for camp just weeks after Samuel left, I wondered how we would be doing when those dates rolled around. I actually wished I could fast forward time from May to August just to spare myself the agony which was surely to come. I wondered how Anna would cope being home alone, or how I would cope with the big kids gone and not having "the babies" but rather just Anna home. We all did just fine. Other than the weather which was good when we dropped them off and good when we picked them up and rained the entire rest of the time. We did fine.

Anna never asked for the big kids once. You know, Samuel always enjoyed being the "only child" and I think she did too. Over the last months, she has really realized that she has parents and truly enjoys our attention. Just about each morning, I am awakened to this little girl who crawls into bed with me, just the way Samuel used to do. I am seeing more of a joyful spirit emerge in her and a lot of the whininess is disappearing. She and I spent some good quality time on the swings, in the sand box and watching "My Little Pony," among other things. She continues to think of and speak of and to Samuel daily. She will pick something up that was his and say, "Well he has a better one now." She will tell him good morning and good night and call out to him looking up at the clouds. Besides Mark and I, she seems to be the only one who is not afraid to speak his name and remember him often. It is amazing to me how many people we run into who "know" won't even mention him. I think the only thing worse than sharing a memory that brings tears in public is pretending he never existed. If you know someone who has lost a child, honor them and their child's memory by speaking the child's name. Pretending they never existed is hurtful. I have prayed that God would not let Samuel's life on earth, all he suffered, all he overcame, be forgotten just because he relocated.
I am amazed at how many have asked if I will still homeschool the kids this year. I suppose many don't know that we were homeschooling prior to Samuel getting cancer and just like homebirth, I would never go back. After what we have just lived through, I cannot imagine sending them into a school system which has already failed our family in the past. That was a "Christian" School I paid for nonetheless. So that is the main reason we chose to homeschool. But above that, the quality of the kids and teachers don't enthuse me either. I don't want my children being raised by the school system and occupants of it. Make no mistake, if your children spend 8 or more hours a day outside your eyes and ears, someone is influencing them and someone is raising them during that time. My main job, the most important joy, is to be their mother and make good choices for them. For me, that means taking charge of their education among other things. God has honored us in that decision by providing our child Samuel, who inspired a home business which has allowed me to work and still raise my children. God provided for us for three years when Mark did not work outside the home while we cared for Samuel. Our family comes first. God honored us every step of the way. When the kids are raised and gone, then I will do my own thing again. But until then, we will be responsible for every aspect of their lives. I love my kids. I need them and they need me. What is amazing about this last four years is that everything each family member has needed to survive was right within the walls of our home. Praise God for that!

The camp the big kids went to was a "Church Camp." Back when I was little and went to Church Camp, it was Churchly. You know, you could find Jesus there. You could make friends there. You could expect certain Biblical qualities and characteristics from the staff and kids. You came home sad to leave your new friends. My kids came home from camp enthusiastic about what they learned at camp, the activities they did, and impressed with their counselors. However, when they started telling me about the kids there, that was when I became unimpressed. They were not impressed either. I would not expect kids at church camp to cuss AND take the Lord's name in vain. We are talking 11 year olds here. The kids who acted like this could not understand why my kids thought it was wrong to do that. On top of that, Daniel made no friends. He liked his counselor but said none of the kids liked him. Daniel was younger by almost two years then the rest of the kids in his cabin and so they did not like him because he was "too young." But get this, when it came time for the three mile hike and each cabin needed to choose the most responsible person to carry the compass, my children were picked out to do so. Not by the counselor, but by they kids they camped with. I found that quite interesting. Kaysha said the girls in the cabin that were the older group were all nice to her, but the ones she camped with were cliquey and did not like her so much because they were already friends and apparently did not need to make any new ones. Kaysha can make friends with anyone so that says a lot to me. And no one did anything about any of the afore mentioned issues. Kids were allowed to cuss and act like brats. Friends, there is something wrong here! If you claim to be a Christian and you are raising kids who act like this, there is something fundamentally wrong and you need to get back to the basics and rebuild. This is the next generation? God is not impressed. If little children are the most precious to Jesus, how enraged he must be to hear them speak like that and then claim to know Him. I did not send my kids to camp to live in this type of atmosphere for five days. I can just send them out into the neighborhood and get that without the hassle of driving them anywhere and dropping them off. Much less, having someone pay for it. I am really proud of my kids for being the ones who stood out for NOT acting like everyone else. Apparently that meant that most of the kids would not like them, but they made the best of it anyway. It is better to have no friends than to have a fist full of foolish ones. I pray that God bring some Godly kids into their lives daily, not just on Sunday.

The school systems would be much worse than this supposed "Church Camp." I don't want my kids spending eight plus hours a day with people and kids who allow this behavior to thrive and don't see anything wrong with it. Now as parents, we are not perfect and I can certainly cuss with the best of them. However, that fact does not make me proud and our kids respect our judgement enough to not mimic these behaviors when they crop up. I have really prayed about my own language and been extremely careful not to grieve my God who has been so good to me. I don't want to grieve the Holy Spirit inside me. I don't want to cut myself off from His voice. I cannot live without it. And I don't want to. Daniel has occasionally come in from playing outside to tattle on himself when he has slipped up in language or behavior. Has most of the whole world forgotten about our Maker? Do we think we can just live and do whatever we want and the Almighty covers His eyes and ears? What favors are we doing our own precious children by not reminding them DAILY that God is watching. The moral standards continue to fall because no one wants to give attention to Jesus and the direct result is affecting our tiniest babies who either have parents who kill them or abandon them. I pray that the hearts of the parents return to both the Lord and their children. We need to pay attention to the who, what, where and why of every part of their life. You can be certain that if you don't, someone else will. I want my kids to be examples to the world, the lights in the darkness. That is my goal. I want them to grow up and know how a family is supposed to function. I want them to know that when a hard situation arises, you knit together and work it out. You don't give up and fall apart. God is the focus of all our schooling because there is NOTHING more important. It is a good feeling to know that I can send them somewhere for a week and they don't succumb to foolish behavior because everyone else did it. They recognize it as wrong and choose not to participate in it. I am proud of them. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." I think this works both ways. Raise you child to know the Lord and while they might have a rebellious time, they will come back to God. Train a child to be worldly, materialistic and without morals and they will not depart from that lifestyle either.

I feel like we lived in a bubble for a lot of Samuel's illness. It was impossible to keep up with people, current events and world views. But these past weeks, I feel like I have really pulled my head out of the sand and taken a good look around. I don't like the majority of what I see. I have been asking God what He wants me to do now. Now that I don't have Samuel and all his needs on my mind. There seems to be a lot of empty space in my day. I have really been impressed upon to pray and lead my children at this critical time in the world. We live in a dangerous time but we serve a God who holds us all in the palm of His hand. He is faithful to guide and protect His children who seek and serve Him. This is not a time to teach our kids to cuss and covet worldly things but rather a time to teach them to pray and HEAR God's voice. Tomorrow is guaranteed to no man and I remind my kids of this daily. What will they do if suddenly you are not there? Will they know where to turn? Will they know who to listen to in a time of trouble? We need to pray for our children and be examples for them to follow DAILY as well. I have a lot of work to do as a Godly Mother, but I have had good examples in my life to follow and I want to leave a good example for my children and grandchildren to follow if the Lord hasn't come for us by that time. I constantly think of Delma and wish she was here to be an influence on my children. I know what a good marriage looks like by her example. I know what Jesus looks like coming out of a person because of her.

The Mormons were here the other day and wanted to know if I knew Jesus. I have gotten to know Jesus over the last year better than I have known Him all my life. I told them that not only did I know Jesus, but Jesus was taking care of my precious son. It took them a moment to let that sink in and I think they did not understand why I wasn't crying about it. I cannot be sad when I think of Samuel with Jesus. It is impossible. What makes me sad is when little memories of his suffering creep in to my mind. Or worse, when my own physical pain reminds me of the fact that there is nothing I will ever physically experience that he did not suffer through. I think I have done some real damage to my neck. My Mom thinks all the physical lifting and carrying of Samuel probably wore down the cartilage in it and a bit over two weeks ago, I jumped off the swing with the kids and it has never been the same. It has hurt for nearly three weeks and come along with a horrible headache that is reluctant to leave as well. For a week straight, I went to bed with it, got up with it and had a small example of how Samuel must have felt when he wondered if he was ever going to wake up and feel okay again. I have experienced a little of that feeling. My Mom works for an Orthopedist so I am getting my neck x-rayed on the 8th. The treatment plan if the injury is what she suspects, is anti-inflammatory and pain meds. Possibly a neck brace? Oh, that sounds fun! So, after talking with her, I have been using Samuel's herbal steroids and they have helped immensely so I suspect she is right. The steroids have made the difference between being immobilized and being able to cope and function. The place herbal medicine falls short is in pain relief. Nothing I have tried so far has helped with the pain either. Especially the headaches. But the herbal steroid IS bring relief so I am thankful for that.

It looks like we will join the majority of folks who vacation next weekend. That will be a first for us. We will get together with the families we spent time with last month at the beach. One of them owns property there. And, bonus, ALL the kids are nice, like each other and don't act and talk ugly. None of the parents are afraid to talk about Samuel. So I look forward to that because it will probably be one of our last retreats of the year. I pray my neck will behave so I can enjoy it.

I haven't gotten any messages from Samuel lately. However one of his Three Horn toys appears in places I am doing work from time to time and no one claims to have put it there, LOL! I really hope he has a Three Horn that he rides around in Heaven! I miss him so much. It is hard to imagine that I can live without that Beautiful Cutie but here I am. I cleaned Anna's room while the big kids were away. That is always hard because it was Samuel's room. She has a lot of his clothes. I was saddened to see them and think that there will come a time when they won't fit her anymore and they will all be packed away. And there were a lot of things he never wore because they were too big. What is worse, most of those clothes were given to him at age 2 and still fit him at age 6. I am just glad he doesn't have to worry about any of it anymore. I pray that God speed up our time here so our family can be reunited sooner, rather than later.
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