The dark days have officially started. And yet, I don't know why, but I am amazed at His provision. Life has felt much like a tangled up mess as of late but that just seems par for the course of grief. Just when you think you see the road ahead straightening out and you start feeling less carsick, a gigantic mountain with many switchbacks appears. Notice I didn't say setbacks, but rather switchbacks. Let me see if I can write you the map as I see it. Get comfy, this will take awhile.
Some of my days feel like life is lived in pieces. Little pieces of a day where some sense of peace and joy can be found. One of the things Mark told me when he returned to work after Samuel went to Heaven was, "Do whatever makes you happy." At first, that was hard to figure out but I shortly found that "happy" was in small projects that occupied my attention and diverted the immense sorrow I was carrying. In short, whims. Those little things were helpful but at the same time, I always carried a concern for what I would do the day those little things weren't helping anymore. Or if it was a project, I worried about what I would do when I was done. Fortunately, there has always been something else. Most things have had something to do with Samuel so they weren't complete distractions and most turned into ways of preserving his memory. Some turned into revelations about his spirit, his love and his physical body. Some were signs and messages tied up in a very confusing often hurtful package--hurtful that is, until you unwrapped it and found what was really inside. I have done a little of all of the above over the last few weeks and it is far from over. It has truly only just begun.
I am not sure how "this" all began but I think it was with an e-mail I received shortly after putting up this new page with the lyrics to "Where Joy and Sorrow Meet." The author of the song sent me this.
Hello,
I am so sorry to learn about Samuel's story. A few years ago I wrote the song "Where Joy and Sorrow Meet" for a close friend of mine who also lost a child. I am touched and humbled that this song has ministered to you and your family.
All my best,
David James White
Nashville, TN
What got me about this note was that I assumed the author must have written it from his own deep sorrow but he wrote it for another. What kind of empathy must the author have to have been able to pull the innermost emotions out of a grieving person. This you just don't see everyday. Most people who have not lost a child simply don't get it. I think what has shocked me most in my own process hasn't been what people have said, but rather what hasn't been said. People who simply ignored Samuel's life and death altogether. People who know what has happened,, but pretend they don't. I appease myself here because I know that the depths of my sorrow are truly only known by God and it is only He who knows what to do and say when it will help most. I think some of the best prayers for a grieving person is that they let God comfort them and truly open their heart to Him and allow Him to put it back together. Or if they don't know God, that He would reveal Himself to them.
After Samuel left us, my only goal was to get up every day for my children and for Mark. For months, I did the bare minimum. Surface cleaning, laundry, cooking when absolutely necessary, schooling the big kids. Those were a given. Beyond that there was only one other thing. God. I spent time with Him. I read the Bible, I listened to various speakers, and read blogs of other Christian moms going through loss who refused to fall prey to the devil. One of the things Kathleen and Ralph (Bud's hosts) asked us was how we kept the Word of God active in our lives while Samuel was so sick. I told her that there were times when we just had to rely on what we knew. There were times when we just had to rely on the prayers of others because we ourselves were depleted. When Samuel was here, there was no church and there wasn't much time for Bible reading. It was about surviving and prayer. After he left, my instinct was to get back to learning and refreshing my spirit. I did it because I knew that there will always be another mountain. If we were trusted with Samuel, what might come next might also be a time where we have to rely on what we know. So, I started reaching out to God because I knew it was something I should do. I wouldn't say I was reluctant to do it, but I certainly had some questions and bitterness to overcome. And what started out as something I did because I felt it was just a necessity after our saga has become the greatest treasure fest full of blessings for me. Finding our
church has been nothing short of a blessing explosion for me. Being in this place every Saturday restores everything in my spirit so I can face the week ahead. It is not because the congregation knows our life story. Nor because they dote over us because neither is true. It is because God always shows up in a unique way while we are there. Don't get me wrong, I can usher in His presence right here in my living room. There is just something about many people of one accord in worship that brings a refreshing that I cannot get at home. We were not able to attend the service last Saturday because most of us have some cold/sinus virus and I can sure tell by the way I feel in my spirit that I missed out.
So, back on topic, if you are a Child of God washed in the blood of Jesus Christ, then the Bible is your book of ancestors. Remember, you are grafted in with the Jews all on one tree. (Romans 11) If you are looking for someone you can identify with, I believe you will find them here. One of the people I was immediately drawn to right after Samuel left was Jacob. His life begins in Genesis 25 and goes on through to the end of the book.That is nearly 25 chapters worth. Anyway, the first thing I have in common with Jacob was a "favorite" son. His was Joseph. My first read through sometime last summer left me with one distinct revelation. It is found in Genesis 45 when Joseph reveals to his brothers his true identity and tells them not to be grieved by what they had done to him years earlier. What was meant for evil, God used for good. God has sent Joseph ahead of his family to be in a position to preserve their lives when hard times came. I thought of Samuel who has gone to Heaven ahead of us, possibly to preserve our lives? To secure our inheritance in the Kingdom? To pave the way for other family members salvation? I don't know but it made me feel better at the time. Our church went through this Torah portion at the end of last year and again I was fascinated by it. But about two weeks ago, I was led to reread these chapters again and dig deeper. Jacob was a man of great and deep love. His first love was from his mother, Rebekah, who was willing to help him trick his brother out of the birthright blessing. They tricked Jacob's father into passing the blessing to the second son, Jacob, rather than Easu, the firstborn. Rebekah's words regarding this were that if a curse was to fall because of it, let it be on her. We don't know if a curse fell upon her but what we do note is that she realizes Easu is planning to kill Jacob over the trickery and so she sends Jacob to her brother's for safety. Then she disappears from the text. We don't know what happened to her. Only that she is buried with
Isaac. Jacob left his first love, his mother, and immediately found a new great love, Rachel. He has nothing to purchase her as a bride so agrees to work for Laban, Rebekah's brother for seven years for her hand. He writes that those years felt like a few days because of his love for her. After he completes the seven years, Laban tricks Jacob by giving him his oldest daughter Leah instead of Rachel. Apparently, Laban dressed her up to look like Rachel and Jacob didn't notice. (See any similarities here between what Rebekah did and what Laban did? Apparently deception runs in the family.) Jacob did receive Rachel as his wife seven days later but had to work an additional seven years for Laban for her hand. So many years later Leah has many children and Rachel has none and there is a whole other saga wrapped up in that. Jacob ends up having children from three women before Rachel gets pregnant. Since Rachel is Jacob's true love, the son she has, Joseph, is his favorite. The Bible records Joseph as favorite because he was born in Jacob's old age. Jacob would have been around 89 at the time of Joseph's birth. He should have been dead by today's standards. Anyway, the story goes on that Jacob made Joseph a very special tunic in which was apparently the last straw for his brothers who were already very jealous of him. It most likely did not help that Jacob sent Joseph to check on them as they were tending sheep in the fields and Joseph brought Jacob continual bad reports on their behavior. Anyway, the brothers, of which there are ten, want to kill him, but later decide to sell him for money. They strip Joseph of his tunic and decide to shred it and cover it with blood to trick their father into thinking some animal killed him. (Yes, trickery does run in this family) So, here is what they say when they show it to him. “We have found this. Do you know whether it is your son’s tunic or not?” Note, they ask if it is "his son's" not their brother's. And it says Jacob immediately recognizes it and assumes Joseph is surely dead, torn to pieces by some wild animal. Genesis 37:34-35 says Then Jacob tore his clothes, put sackcloth on his waist, and mourned for his son many days. And all his sons and all his daughters arose to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted, and he said, “For I shall go down into the grave to my son in mourning.” Jacob wanted to die so that he could be with Joseph. He refused to be comforted. We assume he did not know of his son's mischief and horrible deceptions but can you imagine them trying to comfort him? How genuine do you think their efforts could have been considering they were the cause? Jacob disappears from scripture for a few chapters but those few chapters end up being 22 years worth. What was he doing for all that time? Nothing significant apparently. Now Jacob did have one other son, Benjamin, also born to Rachel, so Joseph's brother. He was not involved in the mischief and it would seem that Jacob spent 22 years putting all the love he lost into this child.
At the time of the famine, Jacob realizes that his family will starve without help from the Egyptians. He sends the same ten boys to Egypt for food. Joseph is now governor here, very high up the chain of command of Pharaoh. He immediately recognizes his brothers but they don't recognize him. He asks them about their family, namely Benjamin and his father. Through a series of tricks, he manages to take one of his brothers, Simeon as a hostage, and gets them to bring back his brother Benjamin. Now Jacob did not lightly let his beloved Benjamin go with this brothers. He was very unhappy when they returned minus Simeon and then wanted to bring back Benjamin. Genesis 42:36 And Jacob their father said to them, “You have bereaved me: Joseph is no more, Simeon is no more, and you want to take Benjamin. All these things are against me.” And here we get a glimpse of what Jacob might have been doing for 22 years, taking account of all the hardships, the curses, that had come upon him. A grieving person sees this clearly. How many times have I asked myself, "Was this my fault? Did I do something to cause this? To deserve this? Is this against me because of something I have done?" Obviously, Jacob understood the concept of reaping what you sow. Later in the story, even his own sons realize when they are reaping what they have sown. But one thing I have learned from this story is that sometimes the reaping of bad things isn't about YOU at all. It is all about God's plan for the future and trusting Him that what you see today, no matter how evil it seems, is going to be used for His and YOUR good. Another point of interest, when the brothers repent for their ill doings to Joseph, forgiveness is immediate. They did not have to do penance to receive it. They just had to show that their hearts had changed and when put into the same position, they would not make the same mistake twice. God is not about punishment, He is about forgiveness. When you truly repent of sin and that means you stop doing it period, God's forgiveness is immediate and He then even forgets the sin and doesn't hold it against you. Grief is such a great time for the devil to take every sin you have ever committed and use it for a reason for the tragedy. I believe the devil wasted 22 years of Jacob's life doing this very thing. Understanding God's forgiveness isn't something that is easy to wrap your mind around. Upon Jacob's death, Joseph's brothers because fearful that Joseph was only kind to them for 17 years because of their father. He had to remind them again that all was forgiven and that HE wasn't God so was not in the place to judge. Part of receiving forgiveness is also forgiving yourself. It doesn't seem like his brothers forgave themselves for what they did for many many years. Jesus came and died to free us from this bondage that can waste years of our lives. The thing is, the devil is tricky and deceives you into thinking that the bondage you find yourself in came from God because of something you did 20 years ago. There is a giant lesson just in this alone for all of us, not just for grievers although grievers are certainly more susceptible to it.
Back to the story, Joseph has told the brothers they will get no more provisions until they come back with Benjamin. Ruben, Jacob's son, tells Jacob to kill his two sons if he does not return Benjamin safely to his father. Now here is a person who just doesn't get it. I am sure grandpa Jacob will enjoy killing two of his grandsons if his beloved Benjamin does not come back. Another son, Judah steps in. Interestingly, it was Judah who made the decision to sell Joseph. Also interesting, Judah ended up losing two of his own sons sometime in the 22 year span. He tells Jacob that he will be assurance for Benjamin. If Benjamin is not returned, Judah will bear the blame forever. This was good enough for Jacob and he agrees to allow Benjamin to go with Judah watching out for him. Judah had experienced his own loss shortly after Jacob and it would seem that he have come to an understanding of what the loss of a son could do to a person. At any rate, a few more tricks occur at the hand of Joseph and when the brothers, especially Judah repents openly to Joseph, Joseph reveals his identity and they agree to all return to Egypt with their father. Well, Jacob was in for a shock and when he was reunited with Joseph, the scripture says "His spirit revived." So, we can conclude that his spirit was nearly dead for 22 years. Did he run away from God's help, comfort, perhaps spiritual insight for 22 years? Maybe. It doesn't say. I do know that when a loved one dies unexpectedly, people make one of two choices. Either run to God, or run from Him. It seems to me that Jacob ran from God. He blamed himself for 22 years and lived with guilt. He clung to his son Benjamin for dear life. Nothing else is written of Benjamin other than his being by Jacob's side. His name literally means, "Son of my right hand." Benjamin was God's provision for Jacob during a dark time. There is always provision from God even if you don't see it at the time. It would seem Jacob's life ended when he thought Joseph was dead and it began again when he found he was alive. Pharaoh asked Jacob how old he was when he came to meet him. Jacob replied that hew as 130 years old. He also said that the days of his pilgrimage were few compared to his ancestors but the days had been evil. I have many times felt this so strongly. While I have lived nearly 36 years and it is a drop in the bucket compared to my grandparents, the days have been full of evil. Jacob lived another 17 years and his family had the best land and the greatest provisions. He lived long enough to see several of the generations born after him. When his spirit revived, so did his Faith in God's promises to him. He last words were prophetic of things yet to come, some rebukes to certain sons and blessings to others. Perhaps he was filled in by God during that last 17 years where he obviously opened his heart to God again. I write this all out for you because there is just so much I identify with and so much that a non-grieving person would miss. There is a lot said by the non-recording of parts of Jacob's life. What not to do. The message is clear. What was meant for evil, God used for good. Sometimes it just takes awhile to manifest. We are not to stop living life because it did not go our way. Don't let the devil trick you into wasting your days trying to figure out how the tragedy was somehow your fault.
Comfort is promised to the mourning. Matthew 5:4 says Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. God will comfort. The question is, how long will you wait to open your heart to receive it. I am glad I chose not to wait. The days still feel evil but I know they could be a lot worse if I shut Him out of them. There is comfort in the Word and it up to us to search it out and accept it. So, I spent quite a bit of time on this story searching out the little things and feeling a great sense of thankfulness that it has been put here for me to find. Someone has walked a similar path of love, loss, guilt, and immense sadness. In the end, finding out that what he believed was for his punishment was in the end for his blessing. Just worked out in a strange and tricky way. Well, that inspired me to think of people in my own family whom I know have lost a child. Obviously, there is my own mom but the loss of her son, my brother, is quite different and in my mind, not comparable. Plus the fact that I have already experienced this loss, not as a parent, but as a sister. So I went back a bit further: into Delma's family. Delma never lost a child or grandchild while she lived on earth but her Mom did. I asked my mom what she remembered about this but she couldn't remember much. Not even the child's name. Only that it was a boy who did not live past a year old. There is nothing written about him in Delma's diary, nor anything in her Bible. It is like he never existed. So I did some digging into the family lines and found something that about knocked me out of the chair.
It seemed that no trace of Delma's brother who died as a baby was left and while I was researching her grandparents family lineage, I came across two Samuel's in the same family. Now "my" Samuel was named after Delma's father, Samuel Schliep. What I know of him from my Mom and from Delma was that he was very happy, funny, loving and there for you no matter what kind of trouble you found yourself in. He told Delma in the 1930's that she could always come home if she found herself in "trouble." (Read pregnant out of wedlock) He later made sure that before she married Mac, that Mac gave his heart to God. No unequally yoked marriages allowed. Finding God must have changed Mac a lot. I have Delma's diary kept from 1932-1936 and all they did was fight and make up. I never saw any fighting ever. Their's is the marriage I want mine to mimic. So, Samuel Schliep must have had a lot of Jesus qualities. Naming my Samuel after him seemed a good thing. Having Samuel the prophet in the Bible was also a nice touch. Anyway, Samuel's Schliep's parents names are Dena and Renke. They came to America from Germany in 1868 and settled on a farm in Illinois. While there, they had six children, among them, a Samuel. I say "a Samuel" because it wasn't Delma's father Samuel. As it happens, this Samuel was born April 21, 1876 and he died sometime in 1879. Did you note that birthdate? Dena and Renke are my great great grandparents. The Schliep family as a whole is one line which I have always felt a great connection to my whole life. I am certain Delma had something to do with that being that she is one of my greatest life influences. But this find floored me. When their baby Samuel died, Dena and Renke had a 11 year old son, a 9 year old daughter, a 6 year old son and one year old twins. Might they have a clue about a beloved Samuel who shares the same birthday as mine who died much too young? Might they know a little about how siblings will react to such a tragedy? Did their baby Samuel die from some horrible illness or a sudden accident? I don't know. I don't know anything else about this baby's life, only that he lived for a short time. What I do know is that Dena and Renke moved from Illinois to Clay County, Nebraska the very same year Samuel died. (Don't blame them. I would move if I could too!) I also know that the very next son to be born was also named Samuel. This Samuel was Delma's dad. If Delma's dad's name would have been anything other than Samuel, I don't know if I would have had a "Samuel." Well, another interesting thing I found was that the boy who was six at the time baby Samuel Schliep died, his name was Henry, named one of his sons Samuel Schliep. These Samuel's lived long lives. But when I look at Dena's family I imagine how ours works. Her 11 and 9 year old were probably good friends, as Kaysha and Daniel have always been. Her 6 year old, Henry, was probably Samuel's friend. And when Samuel died, it was no small thing to him. He went on to name a son after his brother..........and I doubt it was Delma's dad. Dena and Renke finished their days in Nebraska, Renke flying away to Jesus in 1910 and Dena going to be with him in 1918 or so. They lived long lives. Because at least some of their history has been preserved, I can well see that I am not alone. Someone has walked this path before me with a similar family situation. There is no written account of their lives other than dates so you see I have taken them and made assumptions. Assumptions I believe can only be made by someone who has walked a similar path. "My Samuel" was probably shocked to find their Samuel in Heaven sharing the same birthday and short earthly lifetime. I can't help but think that Dena and Renke must keep watch over our family in a very special way. It is all quite interesting and I know one day they will tell me their story. And that leads me back to Delma's parents. Marie and Samuel Schliep. All of the cemeteries in their town are transcribed online so I found their graves and also the grave of a Lloyd Schliep born 2/15/1911 and died 2/27/1911. When I recounted the name Lloyd to my mom, it clicked and she confirmed that this was their son. And I was sad because there is nothing written about him by his parents anywhere. We don't know why he died, we don't know how they coped, we know nothing. But in a strange co-incidence (LOL) while searching out the family, I came to find another lady who has done a lot of the research and she just so happened to have a picture of Lloyd's gravestone.
And as you see, it is quite ornate and his life was not a small thing to them. Kaysha and I enlarged this picture to the point where we could decode the bottom writing. It reads, "Budded on earth to bloom in Heaven." And that was when it hit me. So much was said in so few words. They remind us that God is in control and no life no matter how short escapes His grasp. Delma's parents knew where their baby was going to grow up. They knew it was a great place to grow up. Lloyd escaped the evils of life here and as hard as it is to cope with on a day to day basis, growing up in Heaven with God is NOT a bad thing. Perhaps he went to secure their inheritance. We won't know until we get there. This is the only message they left about him and God helped me find it and I am so glad. The only living relative I can find at the time of Lloyd's short life who would have known how to help, how to comfort, was Dena. I wonder if she helped them pick this epitaph. I bet they never thought it would speak life into their great granddaughter nearly 100 years later. When I read it, I immediately thought of Mark's vision of Samuel. I would say Samuel is definitely blooming in Heaven. I don't think they will mind if I borrow it for awhile. On a different note, I did search for baby Samuel Schliep's grave in Illinois but I had no luck. Perhaps that is one mystery that isn't for today.
From the wisdom of Solomon and from one of my favorite books, I give you some choice verses from Ecclesiastes 1 (I like the Message translation best) Generations come, generations go, What was will be again, what happened will happen again. There's nothing new on this earth. Year after year it's the same old thing. Does someone call out, "Hey, this is new"? Don't get excited—it's the same old story. Did Dena and Renke's Samuel saga happen again? When I showed it to Mark, he commented that our Samuel would have only lived three years if we let the doctors have their way. Looking through lineage from both sides of my family, yes that includes my father, I found a family that had a Daniel, Samuel, Anna and no, not a Kaysha but a Kathrina. They lived in Russia. Here I thought my kids's names were originals. There is an almost duplicate family about 200 years ago. And there are many others whose "stories" as I see them, I have only scratched the surface of. Families who lost several babies. In a row. And interestingly enough they just kept using the same names over and over again until one child actually lived. I cannot imagine doing that today but apparently it wasn't unthinkable 100 years ago. I feel sad that the only remnants of their lives are now names and dates. I have kept many a private journal in my life which are packed away now. Treasure that one day, if the Lord tarry, a grandchild might find interesting or helpful. I wish I had more treasure from Delma's days and I don't mean jewelry, I mean thoughts, emotions, and daily dealings with "life." I kept the website going assuming that one day Samuel would want to know and that he could read it all. After he died, I kept the site as a tribute to him. Because he is not buried in a public graveyard, those who love him cannot pay tribute to him. I don't know what good it is to visit a graveyard to pay tribute to a piece of ground with a marker but some people enjoy it. If I lived in CA, I would go to Delma and Mac's stones to make sure they were clean so someone looking for them might find evidence of their existence. But, the real evidence is in the memories they left behind and the lives that were shaped or changed because they existed. Anyone looking for Delma and Mac McCune can look here. At some point, however, I will stop paying for web hosting and this site will no longer exist and seeing Lloyd's stone and not finding Samuel's stone reminded me that before I die, I must make a mark on this earth for Samuel. His remains remain in my room surrounded by his toys. Anna regularly takes them out to play with because they are lonely. But there is something I was told by Samuel himself just recently that confirms to me that his remains are where he wants them to be for right now. No one is looking for him today but if in 100 years, some great grandchild of mine wants to find him, I want something to remain on the earth that marks his place and my own epitaph. Until then, this site is his marker.
So, I have told you all these great things and I haven't even gotten to the "dark days." Earlier last week, Anna got a virus which means we all got it to some degree or another. Mine turned into a full blown sinus infection complete with loss of taste buds. Thank God for His herbs. A few weeks back, our pastor was talking about Exodus 22: 23-25 where God is talking about what He will do to those who afflict widows or orphans. In a few words, don't because He will become VERY angry if He hears their cries of affliction. Our pastor was bringing out the reasons why. If you afflict a widow because she has no husband, or an orphan because they have no father, you are actually hurting them in a double measure. The first measure is whatever you are doing, whether robbing, ridiculing, whatever. The second is a deeper wound because your affliction reminds them of their loss. You are using their loss against them evoking a pain only God understands....grief. Well, when I get sick, I feel this way. Not only does my physical body feel awful, but my sorrow grows immensely because I am reminded of all the days when Samuel hurt and there was no one and nothing to help. I cannot even get sick and complain because I think of his pain and it doesn't even compare. I also feel relieved that I don't have to feel this bad and take care of someone who feels worse. I can just rest. And that is a nice change. Interestingly enough, Samuel make his presence known on the two days I felt the worst. He was never far from me. I also take special note of how my spirit feels when my physical body feels horrible. Sickness doesn't affect my spirit, meaning my spirit does not get sick. The things I want to do don't change. If anything, my mind, will and emotions are stronger when I am physically ill. Samuel had a lot of experience with this which is why I am certain he told me that his "body" was sorry. His spirit was fine. If you need a "spirit check" do it when your body is ill. What are your thoughts, wills and emotions? For me, it is hurt. All the sorrow surfaces and things feel insurmountable. I feel like I am drowning. Even my dreams changed. I had some pretty "awful" dreams come to light. In the first one, I was sitting with Samuel in the Onc clinic waiting for labs and I felt that old familiar dread. That feeling I always had going there knowing that no matter what happened to Samuel, these people were useless to help. It was all on my shoulders. That dread that bad news was about to arrive and I had to figure out what to do next because none of them knew. I woke up glad I don't have to live like that. You have no idea the burden I carried on my shoulders all that time and I laid it down the day Samuel left. I'll pray for you if you are ever in that position because it is not easy. A day or two later I had two dreams in a row. In the first, I was standing over Samuel's dead body. Let's just say it had been dead awhile and he looked awful. I ran to him, shook him and told him to wake up. And he did. But then he was stuck in that dead looking body and I was immediately sorry I called him back. The dream after that has had me on my knees and has taken awhile to figure out. In it, I was sitting in the house with Mark and suddenly declared, "I cannot live without MY Pooper." The next scene has us at the hospital except it wasn't a real hospital. It was more like a restaurant with beds where the booths were supposed to be. All the beds were like the hospital cribs, like cages. There were no parents. Just kids. I ran to Samuel's bed. (Why he was here, I don't know. It was like he was lost or something. The place looked like a MD's dream. Line up the kids, no parents, dole out the meds like candy, etc.) Some RN came and hugged me and then our Onc shows up, like it is a normal day, takes me aside and starts talking about Samuel's labs. I try to look at the sheet and nothing was legible to me except his WBC which was 2k. There were other things on the sheet but that was the only thing I was allowed to see. My first thought was, well that is better than 212k, so what happened? And then it hit me. They gave him chemo. My Onc starts explaining the chemo he has had and that he has been inpatient for all these months because of complications. I couldn't believe it! I ran back to Samuel who was covered with a sheet, uncovered him and said, "Baby, why did you do this?" (Assuming he had a choice whether or not to suffer more torture. I was shocked and saddened by this desperate act) And he looked right at me and said, "Because I wanted to be with you, Mommy." I melted in his arms and woke up. I was so upset all day. I chalked this up to a bad dream and asked God to please not let me have any more like this one. But the dream plagued me and in the time I lay sick in bed pondering it against my will, something surfaced I never realized before. In all the dreams I have had about Samuel, he has never spoken. I have hugged him, raised him from the dead, talked to him, walked alongside him, etc. but he has been mute for whatever reason. In this dream, before he spoke, he was veiled and I had to remove the veil, the cover off of him, get right in his face and ask why he would choose to suffer like this. The answer came from his mouth, his voice, clear as day. I can still hear it ringing in my head. "Because I wanted to be with you, Mommy." I have even the tone of voice memorized. SO cute, so matter of fact, so Samuel. Why would I dream something so horrible as him telling me he would endure horrible chemo to be with me. That just tears my heart out. I know that kind of life was not something he would have actively chose. How could my mind concoct something like this? I was certain it was from the devil.
March 21 marks the beginning of the dark days. March 21, 2008, marked the beginning of the end. That was the day his gut fell apart beyond anything we had ever seen. March 21, 2009, was a hideously painful day for me. I relived it. I even opened up the journal from that day (because I like to torture myself) and realized that this day was so unexpected and so awful that I chose not to write on it hoping it was a fluke. Well, it wasn't. It was the beginning of many painful days for Samuel and the eventual end to his life. I actually went up to my room, eyed his remains and asked God again why WHY didn't He make a different choice on that day. Why did He allow all of this to happen? Things were so promising, we did not even see it coming. When it happened, I hoped it wasn't happening. But it was and it did. The next month and a half include some very bittersweet dates. The first "holiday" after Samuel died was Mother's Day. The ones to come include my birthday, our wedding anniversary, Samuel's birthday and his physical death. I am not looking forward to this time at all.
Back in December when God showed me what happened to Samuel's body, I spent the next month after going over all the things I possibly could have done to help. Or things I did that might have made things worse. Things I could not see at the time because I was so wrapped up in it all. Basically I beat myself up over things I cannot change. It was all on my shoulders. Did I do the right things? Did I do things that hurt my baby? Could I have done something different that would have changed the outcome? Eventually I made peace with it especially in light of Mark's encounter with Samuel. That helped a lot. But when March 21st came, I was unprepared for how awful I would feel about it. I even asked myself if I could go back and change something, would I want to. No. I have come to realize that without God's healing touch, Samuel was going to die. Nothing I did or didn't do would change it. I would never want to relive it. By March 21, 2008, things in Samuel's body were at extremes. There was no middle ground. The pendulum of problems was either on one side or the other and it never hit the midline again. But as I read some of the journal, things I wrote that I was doing, I cringed thinking that maybe this or that didn't help. Maybe such and such made him worse. And of course, it was all my fault! (See a pattern?) March 21st passed and it wasn't until yesterday that I realized what Samuel was telling me in the dream. It wasn't about chemo at all. Mark and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that chemo would have either killed him sooner or incapacitated in torment in a hospital until he died there miserably in a way none of us wanted. The last place Samuel wanted to be was the hospital. We KNOW that. I have often thought that perhaps when he relapsed in June 2007, we should have let him go then when the drugs for pain might have actually worked. It would have been easier for him to die. But instead, he suffered for a month and a half horribly and while it wasn't chemo induced and it wasn't in a hospital, it was hideous and I am shocked at just how plainly I remember it. Now, I have entered the point of no return. There are few good days to remember from 2008 for the reminder of this year. And it hurts immensely. It has taken me days of tears and prayer to finally figure out that what Samuel was telling me was that even those last days were worth it to him. He just wanted to be with me. He would have been willing to do through much worse (which I cannot even imagine.). Because of the "gentle" treatment we were able to give him an additional nearly ten months to be with us. When I compare the things we did to chemo, there is just no comparison to the damage and heartache it would have wreaked. I guess the dream had to use the worst case scenario to tell me once again, how much this child loves me and wanted to be with me no matter how hard his life was or how much pain it caused. He knew and he knows I did what I thought was best. It was a losing situation in the end with his physical body. But his spirit was never sick. And it is not sick now. His message remains the same. He just wants to be with me. Now he can be without pain. And as hard as the days are currently, there is no comparison to the suffering and emotional pain I went through when his body was alive and suffering on earth. No, I would never go back to that. Everytime I am sick and in bed, if sleep doesn't come, I start making a list of things in my mind that I want to do as soon as I feel better. I think Samuel did that and that is why on May 5, he colored many many pictures "for me" and did not want me more than two feet away from his side at all times. He just wanted to be with me. He wanted to smile, to love, to laugh, to plan for the future, and to leave me the last of his treasure. He did it all in a frenzy, as if he knew it might be his last chance.
As I sift through this next month and a half, I know there are many hard days to come. But the lingering torment of "I possibly made it worse by this or that" is gone. That is a huge weight I could have carried in this time frame that is now gone. Removed by that dream I thought was so horrible. Removed by words that continue to ring in my ears clear as day. The first words he has spoken to me since he left me. That is provision. That is comfort. Nothing has changed for either of us. We still want to be together. I just pray for the strength of Dena who continued to live to see her grandchildren. She lived to be a comfort and strength to her own children in their time of loss. I really want to be reunited with my Pooper before then but I know I don't want to waste my years here while I wait. I know I can live without my Pooper because I am living. But I pray that I can truly "live" as God wants me to live out the rest of my days here. Some days I don't feel as if I am living but just taking up space. Life without purpose feels insignificant. For four years, Samuel was my purpose. When he left, that left a gigantic hole in my life yet to be filled. I know God will reveal it in time but for now, I am obviously in for a long uphill climb. Another treasure hunt, of that I am certain, because I am climbing with God. Praise Him always.
And to my baby.....I am glad you stayed with me as long as you could. I just wanted to be with you too. Mama loves you. Now, go get a hug from Delma from me.
