Adversity Day

Out of the blue a few days ago, Anna said, "I feel really sad."  Mark and I both asked why.  She replied, "Because I didn't get to go to your wedding."  We both laughed a bit and said that it wasn't all that great and she didn't miss much.  Fortunately, a wedding ceremony has no bearing on a marriage's success or failure and this is something we stress to our kids when the subject of our wedding comes up so that they don't make the mistake of equating our disdain for the ceremony with our love for each other and the gift of being married.  

Our wedding was filmed and we did tell Anna she could watch the video if she wanted to but we didn't recommend it.   If you watch the video, you'll get a little sense of why that is. 
Picture little wedding chapel at the Reno Hilton.  It's pretty enough.  It wasn't the chapel that was the issue.  It was the guests.  Not all of them.  Just some.  The first thing that happens in the video is I walk down the aisle as fast as I can walk in heels, alone.  My father attended the wedding, but he did not walk me down the aisle.  This was a big deal when the planning of the ceremony took place.  Who will walk me down the aisle?  Well, let's see.  Should my father who is embarrassed by my pregnancy and feels my marriage will fail in a very short time walk me down the aisle and give me away?   I think not.  I, at least, had the good sense to NOT allow this lie to be a part of this ritual.  Should Mark's father walk me down just so that a father accompanies me, you know so it "looks" right to those not in the know?   No, this didn't make sense either.  So the music starts and I come flying down the aisle.  In the background, you can hear one of my mother's friends calling her attention to this "travesty."  My mother already knew this was going to happen but ignored her.  Mark also was clueless about this until it happened.  He later commented that I should have told him and we'd walk down the aisle together.   It just didn't matter at that point.  The whole thing wasn't about us if you want to know the real truth.  It was about being able to say we were married before people could see that I was pregnant and unwed.  This was a ceremony to keep my parents from being embarrassed by my, their 23 year old daughter's, sin. 

Now, mind you, Mark and I were engaged well prior to my getting pregnant.  In fact, we were planning to wed in his parents gorgeous backyard.  They were very much into gardening back then and their yard was picturesque.  We were even going to figure out how to get Bud there so I could ride him down the aisle.  This was planned for August-ish of the same year.  The pregnancy was cause to move it to April instead, again for the sake of my parents more than anyone else.  To be clear, Mark's parents were supportive of our marriage and wedding wherever and whenever it took place.   Had my parents been like Mark's parents, our feelings about our wedding day may have been much different.  But I digress.  It's in the past.  There was really no good solution.  The "happiest day of my life" wasn't.  I won't lie about that part of it.   I certainly learned a lot from it, more every year that passes.  I put these kinds of memories into the file in my mind that is labeled, "Things I won't do to my own kids." 

The best thing that came out of our wedding in Reno was that Delma was able to attend.  Delma, the one and only person I knew fully supported me, period.  No matter what.  She was well pleased for Mark and I, never once saying a word about the strange ceremony.  I am pretty sure she knew what was up and I am also certain that if she had been in my place, she'd have done the exact same thing.

While neither Mark or I think much of weddings at this point, we are quite grateful for our marriage.  We would not change any part of it for the world.   When we met, we were two broken people who immediately found in each other pieces that began to mend our hearts and our souls.  That mending began the process of marriage well before we ever had a ceremony.  We knew pretty much immediately that we were made for each other.  It was obvious in that we had a hard time being separated.  This is still true today. 

I cannot help but think back to Delma telling me over and over that I just needed one person to truly love me in this life and that is how I would not just survive but also thrive.  At that time, she was the one and only person that fit this bill.  Then I met Mark and for a time, I had both of them.  I had two people I could count on to love and stand by me 100% of the time.  The true hand off for the care of my body and soul at our wedding was from Delma to Mark.  Neither knew it at the time.  This is clear now.  Delma died less than a year after we wed and I believe she went to Heaven certain that I had found the one person who would love me through the rest of my life.  While she may not have believed her time to go to Heaven had fully arrived, while she might have wished to stay a little while longer, she left knowing I was in good, reliable, loving hands.

Sixteen years have come and gone. Some years were sweeter than others as far as the trials and tribulations of life go but one thing that was never in jeopardy was our marriage.  Our love was and is strong and true no matter how disappointing the wedding ceremony was.  No matter how utterly devastating Samuel's cancer diagnosis on this day eight years to the day after the wedding was.  We got through both of those days cleaving together as God intended.  April 20 seems forever marked as a day of adversity for us.  There just is no way around it for now.  But thanks be to God, adversity hasn't broken us.  Instead it strengthens us and draw us closer together.  This is something even our children can clearly see.  Clear enough that one wishes she was able to attend our wedding.   Now there is a gift you don't get every day.


Happy Anniversary "Adversity Day" to my beloved Mark,

I am yours and you are mine.  Unconditional love is all that truly matters in this life.   I'm glad we both knew that from day one.  My heart is ever always yours no matter the circumstance.  I am blessed by God to be your wife.  

With all my love,
Jen

Toni Erickson

Toni Erickson, my beloved midwife, relocated to Heaven on Good Friday which was also the first night of Passover.  I, of course, find this symbolic of her life and quite fitting.  Her obituary is here. 

              
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Dearest Toni,

Some might find my writing you now that you are with Jesus odd as they will assume I am too late and you will never be able to read these words.  I know nothing could be farther from the truth.  I have Samuel to thank for that.  Please thank him in person for me, will you? 

It is so comforting to know that you are no longer suffering but are now rejoicing.  I imagine your reward is well beyond my comprehension.  I only know of what you have done for me.  You came into my life at a place where it seemed as if everything was falling apart.  In what should have been a joyous occasion, all I was surrounded with was doubt, frowning faces and dis-ease.   I remember feeling like a caged animal at the "mercy" of it's captors.  I felt like I had no good choices for care during my pregnancy and didn't deserve any.  It was Mark's sister who suggested I contact you.  For that, I will always be grateful though I know she was only half-serious.  As I said, our "support" was half-hearted at best.  I was 15 weeks along when I called your office/home and left a message.  I truly did not know what to expect.  I know I did not expect what I got from you which was compassion, joy, excitement and most of all love.

I was sitting in the bathtub when you called.  Mark was working nights and I was alone.  I'll never forget you being so excited to meet me wanting me to see you before my next OB appt but never pressuring me to make a decision.  I knew I'd choose you within only a few moments of our conversation.   Meeting you just confirmed this decision for Mark. 

I remember us coming to your house.  It was much easier for me than going to the doctor's office for a variety of reasons but most of which came back to you being you.  The environment of your home was peaceful and joyous.  That was all I truly needed.   Mark and I were both immediately at ease and at home in your home.  You treated us as if we were your long lost children never blinking an eye at how we had only been married a few weeks and did not plan on this pregnancy.  It was water under the bridge.   Any concerns Mark had about the pregnancy, the prenatal care or the home birth were eased at this first visit with you.  Your excitement for us was infectious and we both could not help but to steal some of your joy for us and call it our own.  You changed the direction of our lives on that day.  You showed us the love and compassion of Jesus and that changed everything.  For me personally, you rescued me from a dangerous pit of despair which would soon lead to disaster.  I don't know if you knew that.  I am betting you know the full story now, possibly better than I.

I looked forward to visiting you.  In fact, I loved being pregnant because that meant I got to see you more often than when I wasn't.  I know you probably got that a lot.  How many times did you tell me that if I'd keep having babies, you'd keep delivering them?    When you retired, I began to have dreams that I got pregnant and had to look for another midwife.  These were not good dreams.

Mark has stated on many occasions that our homebirths are some of his most pride-filled moments.  I know that our homebirths bonded us together as a couple and solidified our relationship in a way that nothing else could.  We needed that bond and trust in each other in order to care for Samuel.  He needed parents who could always be on the same page and do the hard things.  We have you to thank for helping us become those people.

I always appreciated your honesty and integrity. I could ask you the hard questions and you'd answer them.  If you disagreed with a choice I or another made, you had no problem saying so.   In so many respects you were like my Delma, have you met her yet?  I have always told Mark that while he only met Delma very briefly, he got to know her through knowing you.  Thank you for that.  Not having you here is like losing another Delma in my life.  It is such a great loss.  I can only imagine the pain of your own family as they grieve for you.

I will never forget you sharing with me some of the pain of having the babies you helped deliver die, whether stillborn, or due to defects that made life outside the womb impossible.  I would ask you how you got through that and you said you and the mom cried the whole time but you got through it.  I tear up just remembering this.  I think of the last days of Samuel's life, people asking me how I got through that and I say that I cried the whole time but I did what had to be done for him.  The day after he died you told Mark and I that we were heroes because of the level of care we were able to provide to Samuel.  I learned a bit of this "heroism" from you.  Because you weren't afraid to share the hardest things and you weren't afraid to feel them deeply either.  This is something that moves my heart more than anything else on this earth.  I thank you for being able to do this.  I know it is a rare person who can.   Thank you for showing me it could be done before I needed to do it.

A bit after Samuel died, I called you up to ask if death of loved ones ever got any easier, you know seeing as how you had more life experience than I.  You said that they were all equally hard.  It never got easier.  For you, the comfort came from knowing that you were getting older and would soon join them.  Of course, that was a "comfort" I did not have knowing I could potentially live several more decades before seeing Samuel again but I was both happy and sad to know that a death is grievous no matter how old one lives to be. 

You shared that you believed it was an easier life to live for a very intensely sick person that it was for their caregivers who had to helplessly watch them suffer.  It's hard to know Samuel's sufferings and believe this but I trust you as I know you spoke that to me from direct experience.   I know these days will be so painful for your family as they process the emotions of relief that you are not suffering and sorrow that you are now gone.  I don't envy them that.  I do know that it is easier for me to live now knowing Samuel is no longer suffering and safe in Heaven than it was to live knowing he was here and often miserable day after day, year after year.  I have reconciled these emotions.  Relief won.  I loved him enough to want him to live free.  I still miss him of course, but I know he is just a thought away.  Closer to me now than ever.  Just as you are now.

You shared with me that you believed Christians get a chance to decide whether to stay on Earth, or go on to Heaven as you'd had this experience earlier in life.  This comforted me knowing that it sure seemed like Samuel, in his final moments was trying to decide this for himself.  In many ways, I think this was a hard decision for him.  Probably just as hard as it must have been for you.  He knew how much we loved him.  He know how much we needed him.  I know you would have known these feelings as well.  But in the end, he made a wise choice.  A choice that spared him and us more suffering.  Suffering of the Earthly kind.  Suffering the unknowns of a disease with no real cure.  Suffering watching him suffer.   Heaven was the only cure for that and I know you both knew that.  Still I know your hearts were torn between staying and going......

The pain of separation is hideous most especially at first.  We all know it.  We all fear it.   John 11:21-27 records Martha's reaction to Lazarus's death:

Martha then said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.  Even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You.”  

Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” 

Martha said to Him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” 

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” 

She said to Him, “Yes, Lord; I have believed that You are the Christ, the Son of God, even He who comes into the world.”


What Jesus said to Martha, that HE was the resurrection and the life, that those who believe in Him would NEVER die.  That those who believe in Him would NEVER see the grave. That even if their body died, that person is instantly with Him and NOT dead is a promise that was fulfilled with Passover.    This is why I find it so fitting that your exodus to heaven was on the first night of Passover week.  It is a wonderful reminder that though your body has died, you are with Jesus and more alive now than ever on Earth.   Toni, I pray your loved ones are convinced of this already so that the pain of separation will be eased by this knowledge.   This knowledge is how I live without Samuel and how I will now live without you. 

To close and say "I love you" simply does not justice to the way I feel about you.  Certainly, a good majority of the kindest words ever spoken to me or about me came from your mouth.  Those words are treasured more than treasure so I am at a loss to express my deepest love to you now.  I am certain that there are better words for my hearts utterances there than here.  Perhaps Samuel or Delma can speak them to you and give you a Heavenly hug in my place.  Will you check on me once in awhile?  I'd like that.  I always wished I was your daughter. 

Will keep your family in my prayers.

With all my heart, all my admiration, all my love and all my gratitude.  Jen

Hands Full - Don't Be Deceived

My family moved to WA in 1986 when I was 13 years old, leaving all of our extended family behind in CA.  Just about every year we would return to visit friends and relatives and we'd always stay with Delma.  On each visit without fail, my grandfather (Delma's husband, Mac) would corner us kids and ask, "If you were to die today, where would you spend eternity?"   I must confess that this question annoyed me greatly and somehow I don't believe the answer we gave was what he was truly looking for.  We each answered saying that we'd be in Heaven.  It was either that or hell. And who answers "hell" anyway?   90% of Americans surveyed today with the exact same question answer Heaven.  My dad thinks he's going to Heaven and he doesn't even believe in God.  (?? insert birds chirping  ??)  Obviously, this is a question which gets to the heart of nothing, and many are deceived.   But in my grandfather's case, I understand now what he was truly asking and I guarantee you that while he lived on Earth, we never gave him an answer that he believed.

For the entire time we lived in CA, I attended somebody's church.  Either a friend's, Delma's, and if these options were not available, I'd ride my bike to the closest one to my house and go alone or with my brother.  I was baptized in 1984, at 11 years old, in the church I used to ride my bike to.  It was fully my desire to be baptized and I remember proclaiming my love for Jesus but in retrospect, I really had no clue about Jesus or the significance of what I'd just done.  Church was just a fun place I went to to get out of my house.  Jesus was the man I prayed to when I needed a favor.

When we moved to WA, opportunities to go to church ended.  I had no friends, no other family, and no church I could ride my bike to.   Church was never a priority for my atheist father and he'd get so mad at my mom for going that she just quit years before we moved.  The first two years we lived here were horribly lonely and I used to cry and pray every night that I could move back to CA and live with Delma.  Obviously that prayer was never answered and as the days turned into years of Jesus never answering that prayer and the many others I'd pray, I figured He must have stayed in CA along with every other good thing in my life.  Jesus drifted into the background at that point.   It's an alarmingly easy thing to have happen when you have no real relationship with Him and no role models to guide you back to Him in times of great sorrow or questioning.  I didn't recognize what was happening at the time, but Mac did.  He was obviously very alarmed by what he saw but there wasn't much he could do about it.  We visited them about one week a year and him badgering me about where I might end up with I died only served to piss me off.  In my mind, I got "saved," I was baptized, I made a proclamation of faith in Jesus, what more did he (or He) want? 

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Mac was widely known as a man of integrity.  He was gentle, humble, trustworthy and extremely likable.  He treated Delma like a queen.  He was one of those men who was obviously a Christian.  Jesus oozed out of him as Jesus oozed out of Delma.  People could not help but be drawn to them.  In his younger years, he became an auto mechanic and was eventually promoted to management.  He has such a good reputation that he was asked to do many newspaper and TV commercials for various products as well.

At some point, he held private classes for women to learn the basics of car maintenance in his home garage.  The sign remained posted in their garage for as long as the house was theirs.  "Gas Glamor Gals."   He was also a welder which was how he was making a living during the time I knew him.  He owned his own company.  But above all of these things was Jesus.  Jesus was his passion.  He often taught Sunday School for the men's group at his church. On Saturday's when we'd visit, (when we still lived there)  he'd bring his Bible wherever we went.  That was the only book I ever saw him read.  My brother and I liked him to take us places where we could ride our bikes, skate, swim or just goof off and he'd find a place to sit, read and make notes for his class for hours while we played.  He was the kindest, gentlest man I've ever known but I'll have you know that he didn't come by this naturally.

While Delma was raised in a Christian home, Mac was not. He was wild and crazy as a boy and I believe that Mark and he would have gotten along really well as teenagers. He liked racing cars and horses, he smoked, drank, partied and God only knows what else. In the early 1930's, Delma caught his eye (they went to school together) but he wasn't quite ready to settle down and submit to Jesus. He wanted to "have a good time." Delma enjoyed having a good time too, but only as a good Christian girl should. She had boundaries. I have her diary from the time period when they were dating (several years) and it's a never ending cycle of fight and make up, fight and make up.  And Delma had no problems dating others when Mac displeased her or vice-versa.  They each played the field, so to speak, but always ended up back together.  When Delma's parents suspected that things might become more serious between them, her father told her flat out to not to even consider marrying him until he became a Christian. I don't know the timeline nor his exact moment of realizing his need for Jesus but it happened, and it was genuine, not faked.  The evidence speaks for itself.   They were the love of each other's lives and it was obvious to everyone.  They were married well over 50 years.  Every day I try to model my marriage after theirs.  It was the kind of relationship we all dream of - yet few are blessed enough to actually receive it.  It's rare, especially in this day and age.

Mac's given name is Roland and in Delma's diary, she calls him "Rolly." He was very chubby as a baby and his older siblings called him Rolly Polly. The nickname stuck well into adulthood.  It's strange to read about "Rolly."  It like he's not even the same person as Mac.
Nobody ever called him Rolly that I heard.   He was always Mac. The name change reminds me a little of Jacob/Israel. Jacob, being the trickster running from God while Israel was the blessed, strengthened and even now exists only because of God. Rolly submitted his life to God and at some point, the old man passed away and the new man, Mac, appeared.  I only knew the new man. 

Mac battled colon cancer in the late 1970's. I don't remember much of it other than visiting him at the hospital once and seeing him under a yellow blanket. I was pretty little. My Mom says he almost died even after his colon was removed. (He and Samuel have that in common) Cancer recurred in the early 1990's, spreading to his lymph nodes then, and that ended his life.

When a person is dying, we who remain always tend to think, "This is the last time I'll see you on Earth." We say that assuming they will go to Heaven, and we will too of course. So, it's not "good-bye" so much as "see you later." (remember 90% of us think we are going to Heaven) In Mac's case, his Heavenly destination was certain, but I wonder if on the last day I saw him alive, (I was 20 years old) his sorrow as we parted was in wondering if he'd see me in Heaven. Would that day be the last day he ever saw me again? Was that the last hug? The last kiss?  I'm sure Mac died knowing I was lost to the world. (and I was) And there still wasn't anything he could do about it.

I have very few things that were Mac's. Delma got rid of a lot of his things after he died.   As I was preparing this entry, I remembered I had this treasure below.  It's been in my possession for about 4-5 years but it's never meant as much to me as it does today.

I wept as I read it last night.  The last time I looked at this, Samuel was still here, and it was just words on a page.  Much like most of the Bible was just words on a page to me then.  Jesus was still the man I prayed to when I needed a favor.  Not much had changed from age 13 to age 35.  When my world was uprooted at age 13, I assumed Jesus stayed in CA.  When my life was shattered at age 35, I was nearly certain that He just didn't exist.  Note, I said nearly.  If He didn't exist than there was no Heaven (somebody explain that to my Dad) and if there was no Heaven, Samuel was gone forever.  If Samuel was gone forever, then my parting words to him were lies and in fact, everything good that happened while he lived that I told myself was from God was then co-incidence.  After I played that scenario out in my head, I knew it was a lie of the devil.  I had been deceived.  Deceived for 35 years in fact. 

There is a letter attached to my baptism certificate.  I found it last night as I was looking for my Mac treasure above.

Read it and weep.  "Now I remind you in the words of Jesus, "If you continue in my Word, then you are my disciples indeed.""  John 8:31

What more did Jesus want from me?  He wanted me to follow Him, to continue to learn His ways and obey them.  Why did He say this?  Because it's not enough to simply make a proclamation of faith, get baptized and then go about living life as you wish.  You are deceived if you do.  Jesus warned us countless times to NOT be deceived.  Do you know how to NOT be deceived?  It's so simple even a child can understand it, if only we'll take the time to teach them - read the Bible.  Study His words.  "Continue in His Word."  You cannot have a relationship with someone you do not know.  The Bible is our main method of knowing Him.  How few actually read it?  Most of the (apostate) Christian churches today are thriving because their members have never read their Bibles.  If they did they'd know they have been deceived and are serving "another Jesus." 

When I picked up the Bible and determined to find Him FOR MYSELF once and for all, I realized that I had been lost for 35 years and finally, finally, I was saved.  Truly saved.  And I value that salvation and God's grace and patience with me more and more each day.  God is an all consuming fire (Hebrews 12:29) and that fire is transforming every part of my life.   I guarantee you that Mac would no longer ask me that ridiculous question anymore.  He'd see the evidence of Jesus in me and He'd know there was no more need to ask.   If he read the words I write today, he'd see his own written words in them as I see mine in his.  That's only accomplished by the Holy Spirit's influence.  And that's why I wept when I read his writing.  Finally, we have much in common.  We both see the benefit of looking back over our lives and listing out our God-given gifts.  And if I were to list mine, they'd look really similar to his.  I love that his #1 gift listed is Delma.  "A Christian Wife."  (Proverbs 18:22 Proverbs 31:10-31)  #2, to understand the Bible.  It's no longer just words on a page for me either.  It's life from the dead.  There is no other book I want to spend quality time with.  I wish Mac was still here to share reading and learning from it with.  To understand the Bible is a gift from God only given to His children.   #3 and #4 go without saying.  #5, "a church where we meet the Holy Spirit."  The Bible is a closed book without the benefit of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.  Part of not being deceived is having spiritual discernment that comes from the Holy Spirit. It is He, in us, that transforms us from dead to alive.  From Rolly to Mac.  Without the Holy Spirit, you are lost.   #6, "Glad I found God years ago." I'm going to take a stab at what he might have meant here, "Finding God early saved me from a lot of misery and a life filled with emptiness."  I always tell Mark that I wish we had met 5 years earlier because that would have saved me much misery.  And I think of God in the same light.  If I'd continued in His Word even after we moved to WA, that would have spared me a lot of misery.  Probably saved Mac a lot of heartache and worry too.  But things happened as God planned them out and I have a whole lot more appreciation for the gift of Salvation now than I did as a child.  I certainly have come to a point of realization that I DO NOT DESERVE HIM.  My good works are filthy rags.  Isaiah 64:6   My heart is corrupt.  Jeremiah 17:9  It is only through faith in Jesus's blood shed for my sins that I am in right standing with God.  I am a sinner saved by faith not by works.   1 Timothy 1:15  Period.

Look at the scriptures Mac wrote on the top of his notes.  His sermon, I will revive.

Deuteronomy 8:3

So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the LORD.

The Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. God ordered this in order to humble them, to show them they needed His Words to nourish them much more than anything carnal or worldly. It took me 35 years to be humbled, and see my need for His Words above all else.  I guess I did a little better?

Deuteronomy 6:16

“You shall not tempt the LORD your God as you tempted Him in Massah.

Do you know what happened at Massah?  The Israelites were whining again (weren't they always) because they didn't have anything to drink, asking, "Is God with us?  Or not?"   If He didn't do exactly what they wanted exactly when they wanted Him to, they were ready to abandon the faith.   (Sound familiar?) 

Deuteronomy 10:20-21

 You shall fear the LORD your God; you shall serve Him, and to Him you shall hold fast, and take oaths in His name.  He is your praise, and He is your God, who has done for you these great and awesome things which your eyes have seen.

My eyes have seen much, even in the wilderness, I cannot deny God did many awesome things for me.  Even in those moments of doubt, His existence could not be denied for more than a few moments.  And yet for 35 years I pushed Him to the background of my life when I did not like the life he laid in front of me.  As a teen, I honestly didn't know better and once we moved to WA, I had no one to guide me on a regular basis.  I will NOT allow this to happen to my children.  While I know that I cannot made their personal decision to serve Christ for them, I can show them the correct path by which to follow Him so they'll not be deceived.

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If you are a Christian parent who has chosen to forgo materiality to put your children first by being home with them, who may also homeschool them (an often thankless job the worldly show lowest esteem for), you will find this feature both an exhortation and an encouragement to keep living out the will of God. You will also find that, if you allow it, God will use your own children to teach and correct YOUR relationship with Him. Please feel free to share the link. To read the introduction to this series, click here.

Hands Full - Judging

A couple weeks ago, Anna asked if the cousins of our neighbor's granddaughter could come over to play.  The granddaughter comes to play nearly every day but I generally do not allow the cousins to come here to play nor allow Anna to go to their house to play if they are over.  It never ends well; a lesson learned through experience.  On that day, like many before it, I said no.  Anna walked away sad and after she left the room, Daniel asked me why I didn't want those kids over.  I reminded him of what happened at the granddaughter's birthday party (something very inappropriate said by one of these kids later blamed on my kids after they left the sleepover at 2am in disgust over it) and the other child's also very inappropriate interest in girls.  (He's less than 10 years old and Anna told me she feels nervous about being alone with him even in our yard).  I summed things up with, "These are not nice kids and I don't trust them. If I let them come over then I'll have to sit outside and "babysit" so I know what is said and done.  I'm tired and I don't want to do this today." 

Daniel's response to me was blog worthy.  "But Mom, you're judging them!  Jesus said He's the only one who can judge.  You spend six hours a day reading about Jesus, you should know that!"

"Daniel, I want you to go get your Bible and show me where Jesus said He is the only one who can judge.  If that is true, how are we to  determine what is right and wrong?   How are we to evaluate each and every situation in this life?  How am I to attempt to keep you kids out of harm's way and away from people who are going to cause you trouble?" 

My conversation with Daniel was very one-sided after that, the details of which are not as important as the central theme of this entry which is the great deal of confusion surrounding the topic of "judging."  Confusion that is entirely due to Biblical illiteracy.  If you do not read and study the Bible in it's entirety for yourself (with the counsel of the Holy Spirit) but instead accept someone's interpretation of one line of Scripture taken out of context, you will be mistaken about much of the wisdom scripture has to impart.  Simple reasoning and careful examination of the Word should prove whether one's interpretation is correct or faulty.

That said, the subject of judging is covered extensively in the Bible; why isn't the entire text a manual for deciphering right vs. wrong by God's standards and ultimately the plumb line by which everything that exists will be measured?  Did He not give us His Word to use as a guidebook to judge all matters of this life?   Paul asks in 1 Corinthians 6:3  Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more matters of this life?  God told the Israelites in Leviticus 19:15, "You shall do no injustice in judgment; you shall not be partial to the poor nor defer to the great, but you are to judge your neighbor fairly."  Jesus said in John 7:24,  "Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.”   These scriptures appear to contradict someone's interpretation of Jesus saying only He can judge.  Furthermore that interpretation defies all common sense.

If Jesus truly said we are never to judge, than we are all guilty of this "sin." The fact is, we judge things and people every minute of the day and we lie to ourselves if we say that we do not. We meaning everyone; both the saved and the unsaved. For the saved, the Bible sets the standard of how to judge all things with impartiality and righteousness. For the unsaved, the standard by which morality is judged is different from person to person and the bar continues to be lowered as society accepts more and more depravity.  And herein, we have two extremes in judging that are both dealt with in the Bible.    Knowing that scripture does not contradict itself, any contradiction then, is human error.  One must dig deeper; study the scripture in context, search the Bible as a whole and further examine who the audience is in each instance to gain understanding on how that scripture should be applied.  Just looking at Jesus's words in John 7, one can clearly see Him telling us not only that we are to judge but also that there is a right and wrong way of doing so. 

Let's scrutinize the judging of humans because that's really the crux of the judging issue here isn't it?  No one complains when you say nice things about them but if you point out a sin, that's another matter entirely.  Do not judge and Let he who is without sin through the first stone are the two scriptures most often abused when someone does not appreciate an appraisal of their sins. And let's face it, it sucks to have someone point out the ugly in you.  Nobody likes it but it can be done lovingly, with compassion and righteousness.  Unfortunately after so much misuse of the scriptures above, it would appear that Christians can no longer tell the difference between a loving rebuke and a merciless rake over the coals.  Some are so deeply entrenched in their sin that it no longer seems wrong to them; that is until someone points it out and then they use the above scripture to justify their sin because "WE ALL SIN (so it's okay)."   And certainly the world is filled with people who feel it's their job to judge everything everyone else does, minding everyone else's business but their own and they are those whom Jesus is talking to when He said, "Judge not."  And it's usually the very same people who use "judge not" and John 8:7 (Let he who is without sin....) as a defense when someone points a finger back to them. You can see how the wisdom of scripture has been so diluted. 

John 8:7 bears special mention because Jesus is dealing with people who bear false witness against a woman accused of adultery, the penalty for which was death.  The penalty of bearing false witness was also death and once He pointed the accusers to THEIR sin, they left.  Jesus is not fooled.  If someone falsely accuses another, they will be judged by Him.  And yet, He showed mercy to the merciless here that we might learn a lesson if we'll dig deep enough to find it: do not twist His Words and Laws to justify evil as the merciless do.  How often I have heard this scripture quoted by a person who used it improperly to justify their sin or the sin of another.  I cannot help but find it interesting that words Jesus used to rebuke liars are now quoted by people who are lying to themselves about the condition of their souls.  But I digress-

"Do not judge" is part of Jesus's first sermon and is directed at everyone in attendance; both the worldly and His followers. It's a warning for us all because we will all judge improperly if and when we are ignorant of His teachings.  The scripture in context is, “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you." Notice Jesus clarifies His warning here as being for those who "judge" based on their own moral code, not His.  He sheds even more light on this by showing that the most judgmental people are also the biggest hypocrites. "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye." Matthew 7:1-5  Have you ever noticed that the person who most vehemently condemns someone else's sin is often the one whose guilt for the same sin is later exposed? (A certain NY Governor comes to mind here but there are many more examples) This is an example of this scripture "judge not or you'll be judged," coming to fruition. It's a warning and a promise to those who judge with self-righteous severity, sharp-tongued criticism, and condemnation. 

Luke 6:37-45 is a similar account to Matthew's on this subject and goes into even greater detail. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned." Interesting that this one includes "do not condemn" and also "pardon." What does that mean but to forgive a repentant sinner.  Forgive and do not bear a grudge after one repents.  Do not condemn, but pardon. In 2 Timothy 2:24-26, Paul reminds us that, "The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will."   

Let's now examine an instance of judging that God approved as being righteous.   Have you read 1 Corinthians 5 in which Paul was dealing with a church that embraced a member who was sleeping with his father's wife?   This church had a BIG problem and rather than mourning the fact that such a sin had crept into their church, and rather than confronting the sinner privately and then corporately if he did not repent as lined out in Matthew 18:15-18, they chose instead to affirm the sin and even boast about it.   If Jesus truly meant that we are never to judge, then Paul is going to be in some very hot water when He stands before Christ over how he dealt with this.   Paul's exhortation to them would be shocking to many churches today.   How many misinformed Christians do you know who would cringe and scream, "Jesus said you cannot judge me" if it were they he was talking to?   Here is what he wrote to them, "You have become arrogant and have not mourned instead, so that the one who had done this deed would be removed from your midst. For I, on my part, though absent in body but present in spirit, have already judged him who has so committed this, as though I were present. In the name of our Lord Jesus, when you are assembled, and I with you in spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus, I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?"   1 Corinthians 5:2-5 Furthermore Paul goes on, v11, "I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one."  v13  "REMOVE THE WICKED MAN FROM AMONG YOURSELVES."

Let's explore this.  The audience here is the church at Corinth.  People who should have known better but let this moral decay slide to a point where they didn't see anything wrong with it.  Sin unrepented from blinds us to the dangerous condition of our soul.  1 John 3:4-10 says that a child of God CANNOT  practice incessant and unrepentant sin.  If they do, they neither know Him nor belong to Him.  John minces no words pronouncing this judgment.  Now understand, as James says, we all stumble in many ways. (James 3:2)  Or as Paul says, we all sin and fall short (Romans 3:23). Habitually  practiced sin is not the same accidental slip as oopsie, I said a bad word because I was mad or I didn't deal with a situation as God would. (Forgive me, Lord!)   A Christian is not immune to sin but they also do not enjoy it nor practice it because they know it has consequences; namely that it separates them from God and will eventually bring about His discipline. If His discipline doesn't work and one just keeps on sinning, what sacrifice is left for them?   (Hebrews 6:4-8 see also 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and Galatians 5:19-22) 

Paul's harshness with this church was not nit-picking accidental sins (slips) that we're all guilty of.  (And that should tell us plainly that we should not be nit-picking someone elses slip-ups)  As John writes, a Christian cannot practice a life of unrepentant sin nor endorse it or they are NOT a Christian. Something is very wrong if this is the case.   Paul was harsh on the church at Corinth because they didn't even recognize sin as sin.  He further cited that their acceptance of that sin had defiled the entire church and put everyone within it in spiritual jeopardy.  Hence, a little leaven leavens the whole lump.  Sin spreads like wildfire if it's not stopped in it's tracks.  It not only affects the sinner but everyone around them will be led astray if it's not cut off.  Paul's judgment was to expel the sinner from the church with the hope that the sharp rebuke would lead those who remained to the godly sorrow that leads to repentance.   So what did the church do?  If you read 2 Corinthians 2:1-12, you'll see that the entire congregation repented including the sinner and all were reconciled to Christ and when Paul came to visit this church in person, his visit was full of joy in their "obedience in all things."  All was forgiven and everyone moved forward in the Lord.

It's worth noting that in 1 Corinthians 5, Paul clarifies to the church that while we may judge those within the body of Christ, we are NOT to judge the worldly who either do not know or reject God. Judging them is the Lord's job (1 Corinthians 5:12-13) and a waste of our time since they do not perceive sin as sin. 1 John 5:16-17 tells us that we should always pray that the Lord open their eyes to to sin so they may be reconciled to Him.

Confronting a Christian about their habitual sin with the hope and prayer that they would be led to repentance and forgiveness is the mark of compassion even though it may not feel at all as such at the time. The mark of cruelty is in the hypocrite who could care less if you repent. They only expose your sin as being so horrible that it's unforgivable in order to help justify their own sins or make themselves appear more righteous to others.  Jesus is not confused as to our heart's motivation when we judge others so we need examine ourselves closely before ever saying a word to a fellow Christian about their sin. 

I have experienced being "called out" about a certain practiced sin by a very much respected godly woman (Delma) and also many hypocrites.  I knew I was living in sin and I didn't need anyone to point it out, but Delma being Delma, wanted me reconciled to God before I got so far away from Him that I could no longer be reached.   I blogged about it here because the way she went about talking to me, with so much loving kindness and compassion is something I'll never forget and hope that I can emulate if I ever need to confront another Christian in their practice of sin.  Paul encourages us to imitate the faith of the godly and Delma was one whose faith is worth imitating.  Certainly I learned that I do not want to imitate the hypocrites who, if they had had stones, would have mercilessly stoned me to death. 

We all have to judge in order to live this life.  And there is judging that is not sin.  God gave us the manual on this, that we should learn and teach our children to judge the difference.

PLEASE NOTE:  Effective next week.  "Hands Full" will move to Thrusdays.  School is starting you know! 


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If you are a Christian parent who has chosen to forgo materiality to put your children first by being home with them, who may also homeschool them (an often thankless job the worldly show lowest esteem for), you will find this feature both an exhortation and an encouragement to keep living out the will of God. You will also find that, if you allow it, God will use your own children to teach and correct YOUR relationship with Him. Please feel free to share the link. To read the introduction to this series, click here.

Hands Full - Never Alone

Looking through a box of old pictures with this post in mind, I found the gem below.  I was actually thinking of a different photo when I began to rummage through and though I've looked through the box several times for other reasons, I didn't know this one even existed.  I knew it was golden the minute I found it and not just for this post. (The things we fail to appreciate at the time.)



Delma and I, summer of 1991, the year I graduated H.S.

Here I sit with my best friend, Delma, in her back yard visiting mid-morning as you'd always find us when I was at her house.  What I'd give to go back for a day!  When I was with her, I felt supported and unafraid of life.  Not a care in the world because I had Delma.  She always wanted to know everything about my life and there wasn't much I held back because I loved and trusted her. She enjoyed hearing about gymnastics, my horse, my job, friends, college, you name it, she wanted to know.  Unfortunately, we moved to WA in 1986 and she lived in CA so my time with her one on one was very limited  We always had so much to catch up on and there was never enough time to do it over the phone. She'd always listen intently and enjoy life through my eyes.  Often she'd say, "Enjoy life while you're young, kid, because it's no fun to be old."  I always thought I knew what she meant; old meant physical limitation and poorer health.  So she could no longer do all the things I was currently enjoying.  Right?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I never asked her to be certain.

Well, fast forward 13 years from that picture.  I'd been married 8 years, had four children and suddenly one of them is diagnosed with cancer and was probably dying.  Life was not joyful and unfortunately by then, there was no Delma around to commiserate with or to be consoled by as she went to Heaven in 1997. When she left this Earth, I felt lost here for a long time, even with a small family of my own, I felt very alone and depressed.  Of course that changed as my heart mended and I learned to live without her not to mention my small family continued to grow but there's still a void even now.

During the years of Samuel's lifetime (immense joy and sorrow) I often thought back to my teenage years and wondered if that carefree enjoyment was all I was going to get here.  It did not feel like it was enough to cover the travesty my life had become.  I think I understood what Delma probably meant; when the cares of life catch up; responsibilities, hard choices to make and death to face, life is a lot less thrilling.  That and it felt as if it was all on my shoulders to carry.  I often thought, "Why did I have four kids?  What was I thinking?  Obviously I wasn't thinking.  I didn't plan for this. Could this be any harder?"  The answer to that question follows below...

Fast forward another four years to the day we learned first hand what we had known for several years already; the only real cure for cancer is death.  Samuel went to meet Jesus and Delma and my lowest low in life happened.   I'd never felt more alone or let down than in the days that followed Samuel's death.  I felt helpless, hopeless, my life wrecked beyond belief, knowing no human could mend things or make them right.   The thought of enjoying anything ever after that point was out of the question.  Even the joy we had when Samuel was doing well was precarious at best because we knew he was living on borrowed time and when that time was up, there are just no words to describe the misery of the days, weeks and months that followed and sometimes even now strike us.  

Yet, I wasn't as alone as I thought.  The Lord was always there waiting for me to seek Him.  The very same agony nearly everyone I knew was afraid to look upon much less come near, He came near.  Little by little, day after day, now year after year, He proves to me that He was always there even when I felt alone, is still always near me today, and is forever ready and willing to carry my burdens no matter how heavy or light.  I learned that if I could just hand the reins of my life over to Him, joy in that life would resurface and that joy would be in the knowing that I was NEVER alone or forsaken; that I was His child and He was my Father.   Now, it's one thing to read that He'll never leave or forsake His children in scripture, but it's another thing altogether to experience His presence in your daily life first hand as your Father.  When I laid the shattered pieces of my life in His hands, that is just what happened.  I began to experience a life with Him fully engaged in it vs. regarding it from afar.  Psalm 138:6

God does not ask us to blindly trust Him.  He knows trust requires love and love requires relationship.  For the majority of people and most especially for those who think God has done them wrong, that takes time. Thankfully, God knows exactly how to meet us right where we stand; He can handle us in whatever condition we present ourselves to Him. Additionally, He gives us everything we need to KNOW (not just blindly trust) Him with The Kingdom of Heaven (God inside you). 2 Peter 1:3-4 - He has by his own action given us everything that is necessary for living the truly good life, in allowing us to know the one who has called us to him, through his own glorious goodness. It is through him that God's greatest and most precious promises have become available to us men, making it possible for you to escape the inevitable disintegration that lust produces in the world and to share in God's essential nature. 

God always starts small with us, remember the mustard seed?  If we learn to trust Him in the "little" things, it will be easier to trust Him when the "big" things come along.  Trusting Him in ALL things is the goal though.  Proverbs 3:5   That requires a relationship.   Here is where we need to learn a lesson from watching how our children trust in our care and in so learning, we will teach them a great life lesson as well.  Assuming parents do their job right, children don't worry about how they'll get their next meal, whether they'll have clothing that fits, or who'll take care of them if they get sick; they have you to do all that for them because you love them.  Little children know they are not alone because they have parents who take care of them.  They worry about very little (boredom?)  if anything at all.   Their main concern is only what fun they will have today whether that be at school or at home.  They trust that you'll keep them fed, clothed, and safe while they go about it.  This is exactly how God wishes us to live our lives for Him;  as little children who have a Heavenly Father to care for their basic needs so they can get on to doing His more glorious work here.  If we are His children, then He is living on Earth through us.  Does He not take care of His own body just as tenderly as we care for our children, who are parts of our body?  (1 John 4:16-18)  Yes!  We cannot live fully for Him if we are wrapped up in the worries of everyday life.  We cannot even begin to live life if all we do is worry about it or are worn down by the sorrows of it.  He says He'll carry those things for us.  Psalm 55:22  Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you.He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

He promises to take care of His Children (no matter your age) as a good parent takes care of their children (and age still should not matter).  Matthew 6:25-34 tells us that Children of God need not to worry about their basic needs.  He knows what we need to live the life He has planned for us and He promises to supply them, however we must seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and then all these things shall be added to us.   The provision is based on (1) humbling ourselves before Him so that He may (want to) reside within us, and (2) obedience; submission to His authority.  In short, we must actually live and act as His children if we want to partake of this promise. 

Our parents have failed us if we left home feeling alone in the world. (because if we ever feel alone in the world, we are not engaged in a meaningful relationship with God)   Either our parents didn't know or trust God enough to impart that trust to us, or they didn't care for our basic needs well enough and we grew up not trusting them because of it.   Whatever the case, this failure puts children at a disadvantage both in the world and with God because they will find it hard to trust anyone and will feel like it's them against the world.  This does not have to be.   Similarly, we will fail our children if we do not have a relationship of love and trust for God and allow Him the reins of our own lives, and thus impart this blessing of not worrying over  provision to our children while they are still little seeds.  They'll have a hard time believing that verse if we don't walk it out with visual evidence.

After Samuel went to Heaven, I learned God could handle some very big burdens.  Before Samuel went to Heaven, Samuel himself taught me how to live a carefree life filled with joy because he did just that.  He knew he was loved beyond measure and trusted that everything we did for and to him was good, no matter how painful it was at the time.  He knew he was never alone in his suffering.  We all partook of it and carried what we could.  We took on the burdens of his care and he just lived the life God put in front of him to the fullest with a radiant smile.  That is the Glory of God and that is how God wants ALL His children to live.  Accept the life He lays in front of you and live it to glorify Him.  (not my will but Thy will)   Do this and He promises to supply your needs along the way.  There's no way Samuel would have put up with all he did to live if he didn't think we loved him and/or did not trust that love.  Similarly, there is no way we can live the life God is putting in front of us with any joy or relationship with Him if we are wrapped up in worrying about what may or may not happen today, tomorrow, or next year and feel as if we are alone in all of it.   I guess you could say I am learning this lesson of love/trust a bit in reverse;  I learned a lot about living the life God puts in front of you from Samuel.   Still, I'll admit it, I have trust issues; I'm working through them.  But this I know, God can take on my biggest burdens and carry me through the lowest low, my greatest agony, and bring me back to a place of joy in life and that joy is in knowing that He is my Father who cares for me.  I am His child.  I an never alone.  When you gain that confidence by walking it out, it'll change your life.

My prayer is that I'll impart all this to my children - while "trust" issues for them, are not an issue at all.  This knowledge will make life easier for them if they will just seek Him.  Maybe I'll change Delma's saying a bit to "Make it a point to know, love and trust God as you do your own father while you are young and you'll never feel alone in this life and always find joy no matter your age."  That's a good part of the battle won right there!    (Thank you, Lord, that Mark is a good fatherly example and that the kids will learn to trust and love You because they loved and trusted him)






 &<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>lt&ltgoog-spellcheck-word>lt</SPAN>;center>&<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>lt</SPAN>;a <SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>href</SPAN>="http://<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>backusfamilyblog</SPAN>.<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>blogspot</SPAN>.com/">&<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>lt</SPAN>;<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>img</SPAN> border="0" <SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>src</SPAN>="http://2.<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>bp</SPAN>.<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>blogspot</SPAN>.com/-<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>nwETUKPaW</SPAN>_M/Tepd2iyx8sI/<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>AAAAAAAAB</SPAN>_Q/i6YHkLv5TEM/s200/<SPAN style "Hands Full" is my Tuesday blog feature about the full time job of raising children according to God's Word. If you are a Christian parent who has chosen to forgo materiality to put your children first by being home with them, who may also homeschool them (an often thankless job the worldly show lowest esteem for), you will find this feature both an exhortation and an encouragement to keep living out the will of God. You will also find that, if you allow it, God will use your own children to teach and correct YOUR relationship with Him. Please feel free to share the link. To read the introduction to this series, click here.

Hands Full - Becoming Great

Many people wish to be known, praised, commended and ultimately, to not go through this life unknown.  The advent of Reality TV has given an outlet for many unknowns to exalt themselves and get their 15 minutes of fame as long as they can be arrogant, obnoxious, greedy, foul mouthed, and deceitful. There seems no shortage of wannabes here.   Our children cannot help but learn that to be "someone" in this world, you must live like a demon.   Go hang within earshot of the local teenagers and you find them emulating the same behaviors. It's appalling and I'm thankful my kids are disgusted by it.

My children understand that this pride-filled behavior will not lead anywhere they want to go and that God hates it.  They know Proverbs 16:18 that says pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall.  If you strive to bless yourself through pride and greed, God may let you savor that life for a moment, and you might get your 15 minutes of fame, but He will cut down your empire and leave you with less than you started with.  Every  pride-filled "star" falls and it seems most especially prevalent in the childhood stars as they become adults.  There are numerous examples I've shown my kids as proof of this Proverb.  Pride doesn't pay.  It will cost you everything.  This is not how the godly are called to live.  1 Thessalonians 4:10-12 tells us how to live.  But we urge you, brethren, that you increase more and more;  that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you, that you may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that you may lack nothing.


The question then becomes, what and who is "great" in God's eyes?  How does one become great?  Jesus talks about who is greatest and least quite a bit in scripture often needing to set the records straight between the world's view of greatness and God's. In Luke 9, the disciples begin to argue about which of them will be the greatest in the literal Kingdom and Jesus perceiving their thoughts, took a little child and set him by Him, and said to them, “Whoever receives this little child in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me receives Him who sent Me. For he who is least among you all will be great.” Luke 9:47-48.  In short, greatness IS humility, and true humility is submitting your life to Christ and waiting on His timing for glory and honor.   Matthew 23:12 says that the Lord exalts the humble.  His honor and blessing are better than anything a human can give himself or another.  What He gives, no man can take away.  This is the honor godly parents should seek and teach their children (by example) to seek; to be known and recognized by God and not the world.  If He wants the world to recognize you, it'll happen in His timing and without striving and living like a demon on our part.

This is a good time to look at the parable of the mustard seed because it clearly shows the results of humbly submitting your life to God.  Jesus began teaching in parables after being accused of being a demon. When the disciples asked Him why the change, He explained that the knowledge of the mysteries of the Kingdom of Heaven was given to some, but not to all. Thus the parables were given to those who didn't believe in Him in order to confuse them further while the explanation of the parables was given to the disciples because they believed. That said, the parable of the mustard seed was not explained to the disciples so I'll assume they were smart enough to figure it out. Yet I see many "teachers" butcher it in Bible studies today saying the Kingdom in this parable represents the mega churches defiled by sin. So, lets get something straight; the Kingdom of Heaven is always pure because it is from God and is God.  It can only be received from God by those who have humbled themselves before Him and received Jesus as their Savior.  Matthew 5:3   The devil may sow weeds among the kingdom seeds and make them appear similar, but God knows the difference and the weeds are pulled up and burned at harvest time. The kingdom seeds are always pure while the demon weeds are always bad. Matthew 13:24-30

Matthew 13:31

“The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in his field, which indeed is the least of all the seeds; but when it is grown it is greater than the herbs and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and nest in its branches.”

One key to understanding this parable is understanding who the mustard seed is.  The mustard seed is denoted here as "the least of all seeds;" the smallest in comparison to all of the other seeds.   When you see "least" you need to read "humble."  When you see humble, you need to think of the most humble person to walk the Earth: Jesus, who bids us, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30   The mustard seed is Jesus, who a man - after he humbles himself before God - then sows deep in his heart.  It is then up to God as to what that seed will grow into.   Our job is to stay humble and moldable through the process.  

What's interesting in this parable is that the lowly mustard seed Jesus speaks of becomes a tree.   Reader take note, mustard is an annual herb. (meaning it dies every year) Furthermore, plant height at maturity varies from a 30 to 45 inch bush.   Mustard looks like the below image.

If a single mustard seed were to grow into a tree, that would be an amazing transformation worthy of the Guinness book of World Records.  In short, it would not go unnoticed because it defies all worldly expectation of normal growth.  I'm sure a lot of people would love to see it, both in picture and real life.   Imagine the beauty of a tree full of these yellow flowers and later the immense seed harvest.  Mustard lovers would flock to it just like the birds come to nest in it in this parable.  When something is astonishingly magnificent, not only do people recognize that something unbelievable has happened, but they also want to become part of it.
When we fully allow the Lord to do His work on us, the end result HAS to be greatness.  And not worldly greatness but supernatural greatness which is far better in comparison.  The Kingdom of Heaven (God inside you) invades, infuses and transforms every part of your life until you become a whole new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)  In the parable of the mustard seed, this incredible transformation and resulting greatness is exactly what Jesus was trying to get people to wrap their mind around.  The Kingdom of Heaven and all of it's benefits is something that comes from above and it's available to whosoever will humble themselves and call upon Jesus.

Do you know someone whom God has exalted that can become a role model for you and your children?   Sometimes it's hard for a child to understand what is wrong with the world's ways when that's all they see.  Seeing a truly humble life often exposes what is wrong with what the worldly.  One cannot help but be attracted to a humble person.  However, Godly role models do seem to be lacking these days so if you need a Biblical example, choose David.  So lowly that even his own father didn't offer him to Samuel to choose as the next King.  Yet, he was the one God wanted simply because he was humble.  God said that David was "a man after God's heart."  And he was exalted on Earth.

I have been lucky to have had a couple very good examples of God's favor and blessing.  Delma, of course was one of those.  Her humble life impacts mine on a daily basis and while she wasn't highly exalted on Earth, God's favor was rich in her life.  She was like the Jewish man spoken of in Zechariah 8:23 “Thus says the LORD of hosts: ‘In those days ten men from every language of the nations shall grasp the sleeve of a Jewish man, saying, “Let us go with you, for we have heard that God is with you."  I always knew that if I wanted to be nearer to God, I needed to be with Del because He was surely with her.  I know her reward in Heaven is beyond imagination.  Every time I speak her name, I hope God showers her with reward.   Unfortunately, my children only know her through me so while I plant the "Delma seeds" I don't know if they will grow in them as the did in me.  

There is another example whom my children do know who will always have a special place in my heart and whose humility has significantly impacted my life.   I'm speaking of Toni, my midwife.  She has given her entire life to bringing new life into the world and being a godsend to every pregnant mama she meets.  I blogged about how much she has meant to me here.   The photo tribute I spoke of in that post is here.  (Somehow Mark and I are in a lot of those pictures)  This is a woman whom God has lifted up and she was given the opportunity to be honored here by so many, yet just a fraction of those who have been impacted by her.  The gathering we attended in her honor really makes this parable come alive for me.  It is only a person filled with the Kingdom of Heaven and exalted by God that could touch that many lives in such an intimate marvelous way.  The love and honor in that gymnasium was so thick that I walked out praying He might allow me to significantly impact people's lives for Him as she did.  That was an honor that He brought to her and no man can ever take away.

1 Peter 5:6 reminds, Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, And when that times arrives, people will marvel at God's work in you and they'll want to know how to share in it.   Point them back to the mustard seed parable; true greatness is born in humble submission to God.   Quietly live out the life He lays in front of you.  Do what is right in His eyes.  Be a person after His heart, teach your children to do the same.  Do these things and He will crown you with honor and glory that will never fade. 

Psalm 149:4

For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with victory.



 &<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>lt&ltgoog-spellcheck-word>lt</SPAN>;center>&<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>lt</SPAN>;a <SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>href</SPAN>="http://<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>backusfamilyblog</SPAN>.<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>blogspot</SPAN>.com/">&<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>lt</SPAN>;<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>img</SPAN> border="0" <SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>src</SPAN>="http://2.<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>bp</SPAN>.<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>blogspot</SPAN>.com/-<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>nwETUKPaW</SPAN>_M/Tepd2iyx8sI/<SPAN style="BACKGROUND: yellow" class=goog-spellcheck-word>AAAAAAAAB</SPAN>_Q/i6YHkLv5TEM/s200/<SPAN style "Hands Full" is my Tuesday blog feature about the full time job of raising children according to God's Word. If you are a Christian parent who has chosen to forgo materiality to put your children first by being home with them, who may also homeschool them (an often thankless job the worldly show lowest esteem for), you will find this feature both an exhortation and an encouragement to keep living out the will of God. You will also find that, if you allow it, God will use your own children to teach and correct YOUR relationship with Him. Please feel free to share the link. To read the introduction to this series, click here.

Delma's Gifts

I'm on a Delma kick this week so bear with me.  Every year, as our wedding anniversary approaches, I remember her greatest gifts to me.  As you know, Delma (my beloved grandma) was the kind of Christian that did not just talk the talk, she walked the walk.  And as you also know, I considered her one of my best friends.  Now, let me back up a bit....

Mark and I met summer of 1994 by chance at a mutual friend's birthday party.  Neither of us were looking for a relationship but on July 3rd of that year, that's just what we found.  If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - after we met, we were only ever separated by tragedy.  If I knew then what I know now, I'd say we should have just gotten married on the day we met.  Might have saved us a lot of trouble.... Or maybe not.  Some people will never be happy.

In September of that year, I moved out of my parents home and into an apartment with this same mutual friend.  But, for the most part, I kept the few things I owned in one room in that apartment and lived with Mark.  For six months, I paid my half of the rent, utilities but I was rarely there.  At the end of the lease, my friend moved back home with her parents and I moved fully in with Mark.  While living together was generally accepted at the time, I did this without the blessing or support of my parents but there was no place else I wanted to be.  No one else I'd rather be with. Mark was my best friend and I was basically living with him anyway, the move just made it official.

Every single month, without fail, I would call and talk to Delma.  Mac had died in January of 1994 so she was newly widowed and according to Roberta (her best friend) she treasured our long 1-2 hour conversations.  Roberta told me she always called her after talking to me to report what was going on in my life.  And Delma always wanted to know what was going on in my life, every detail.  I could tell her pretty much everything but I'll never forget the day that she asked me if I understood that living with Mark out of wedlock was a sin.  I told her that I was aware that I was living in sin but that I wouldn't live with someone I didn't love and believe I would marry.  We were not just "playing house."   She then said, "Okay, I just wanted to make sure."  The last thing I ever wanted to do was disappoint Delma and if there was ever anyone I felt was in a position to judge and condemn my actions, it was surely her but that was the end of it.  She never mentioned it again and my sin never tainted her unconditional love for me. 

Now unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of sin and obviously, that is why she brought it up.  Because as a Christian, that was her duty; to bring it to my attention and see if I was repentant or rebellious.  Working the sin out after that was my business.  I guarantee that if I'd have told her that I didn't believe it was sin or anything else along that line, this story would have ended differently.

In December of 1995, we became engaged with rings to prove it.  I called Delma of course to let her know and she was thrilled but not surprised.  While she did not know Mark personally, she knew him through me and by that she knew we'd be walking down the aisle soon.  Probably wondered why it took so long.

We were planning to marry in August of 1996 in Mark's parents back yard.  They were very much into gardening at that time and their yard was gorgeous.  They were even willing to allow Bud to come to the wedding.  For what, you ask?  Well, to carry me down the aisle of course.  Before I met Mark, I always joked that one day I'd just marry Bud (because all men were idiots).  I told Delma of our plans with the hope that she'd be able to come up.  She wasn't sure that would be possible.  She was having a lot of leg and back pain at the time and it was hard for her to get around much less travel.  Her parting words in that phone call were ominous.  "Now hurry up and have me a great grand baby, okay?" 

"Uh, Delma, that's not in our plans yet....."

Famous last words.

In February of 1996 I found out I was pregnant.  My parents were less than thrilled.  Mark's parents were very gracious and took it in stride; we'd just move the wedding up to April.  I knew I wanted to be married before the baby arrived at the very least but we'd have to find another location because April in WA is synonymous with rain. 

I was not looking forward to telling Delma because again, I didn't want to disappoint her and I figured that this news would do just that.  Certainly no one else in my family was jumping up and down.   I called her up and said, "You remember when you told me to hurry up and have you a grand baby?  Well, you got your wish. I'm pregnant."  I waited for stunned silence.  I waited for a big long sigh.  I waited for judgement and condemnation because I had been snared by my sin and soon it would become obvious.  I waited for her high opinion of me to shatter. 

But.......

She was ecstatic!  She was so happy!  While others saw my sin, saw me as the object of shame, she saw the baby. New life.  Life that was a part of her.  And I - I was so relieved that at least ONE person who was my flesh and blood was actually happy.  I was glad the news didn't break her heart because that would have broken mine.

We ended up going to Reno to be married because it was the easiest solution at that point.  April 20th wasn't a special day we hand picked, but instead, a day which was available and worked for the few attending.  It's a troubled date historically and personally which is why we tend to savor July 3rd more.  It, at least, doesn't seem to be cursed.   But, I also know God allowed everything to happen as it did for many reasons but ultimately, so that I could come to learn the lessons I needed to from how everyone treated Mark and I through it.  That and adversity usually makes you stronger and more determined to succeed.  There's not a lot of quit in Mark nor I, that's for sure.

Lord, may I always be a "Delma" to others.


My dad was living in Bakersfield at the time which was perfect because he drove Delma to NV.  I couldn't wait to see her and more than that, I could not wait for her to meet Mark.   Unfortunately, the hotel we stayed at had us all on different floors so it was hard to hook up consistently.  There weren't cell phones and we all had to try and find each other in a big casino.  But we were able to spend a little time together and my Delma was more than gracious to Mark.  She treated him as a son, or grandson as it were.  She embraced Mark's family as her own as well.  I wish there had been more time there but two days later, everyone was on their way home.  Delma and Mark might have spent a couple hours together at most.  But looking back, the best part of my wedding was that Delma was able to go.  She ended up getting some cortisone injections so that she was able to walk with less pain and told Roberta that she wouldn't have missed it for the world.  Of course, knowing how it all played out, I wish we'd just have flown to Bakersfield, spent a week with Delma and eloped.  But Roberta said attending our wedding was another one of the highlights of Delma's life so I'm glad I was able to give her that.  "Jennifer, you were always her favorite."

Roberta told me after Delma died that this is what Delma told her about my living with Mark before getting married. "Well, this is how the kids are doing things these days. They deserve a chance to make a go of things. They're having a baby and getting married. I'm happy for them. They need our love and support."

When I was in my late teens, Delma told me that she believed in me.  "I'd lay all my money on you," she said, "without question."  She saw something in me, didn't she?  Those words and many more, I've never forgotten.  Words that were gifts that have stood the test of time.  She loved me truly unconditionally.  She trusted me to always do the right thing apparently no matter if I took many wrong turns to get there.  She patiently waited for me to make things right and never once treated me with utter disgust.  That was evident in the way she loved me in the midst of my sin. 

1 Timothy 5:24 says that some men’s sins are clearly evident, preceding them to judgment, but those of some men follow later.

This verse deals with two different types of sin and two different types of sinners.  Sin that is clearly evident is the sin that we find the Pharisees and Sadducee's scoffing at.   You know, the thieves, tax collectors, fornicators etc.  They chastised Jesus for actively seeking out, fellowshipping, and eating with these "horrible" sinners.  Jesus had a special name for the Pharisees and Sadducee's: hypocrites.  You see, theirs were the sins spoken of in the second part of this verse.  The ones who's sins are not overtly evident but masked.  Masked usually by "holier than thou" behavior that is always looking to condemn and stone someone else for their sin but never seeing their own wickedness.   It is interesting to note that it was much easier for Jesus to convert the sinner who's sin was evident than it was to convert the hypocrites.  Jesus told such hypocrites that their father was the devil and even that truth didn't show them their evil ways were leading them straight to hell.  What else can be said then?

In John 8:7 Jesus says,"Let he who has never sinned throw the first stone." 
I would much rather find myself with the former sinners than the latter.  Tis better to confess as Paul does in 1 Timothy 1:15,  "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief," and then allow Him to lead you out of your sin, to redeem your situation.  We all sin, the difference leading to the Saving Grace is for those of us who can admit it and repent.  John 3:17 says For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.  Remember these verses as you honor His sacrifice for your sins this week of Passover/Easter.

Delma was certainly a faithful and true daughter of the King. She dealt with me as I am certain Jesus would have; with truth, patience and love.  These were amazing, unexpected and undeserved gifts in my life at a time when I desperately needed them.  But the greatest gift of all was that she gave my marriage her blessing, not a stoning.  She believed in us.   Everytime we get to this anniversary, I remember this and I'm thankful to God for Delma.  Thankful that she was able to live at least long enough to see me through that era and assured that she knows how it all has played out since.  There still isn't anyone else I'd rather be with, and no one I love more than Mark on this Earth.  Each passing day, each passing year, God blesses our marriage with even greater love.  I don't take any of these blessings for granted.  I know how lucky I am.  God has been so good to US.

Some of my last words to Delma the night before she left Earth besides "I love you" were that I would make her proud of me. On the other end of the phone line, she was mute. Whatever disease (we never really found out) that eventually took her life made her unable to speak for about the last week of it. At the time and for years after, I wasn't even sure she understood a word I said. My mom held the phone to her ear and said she was listening, making faces and occasionally smiled. All I heard was heavy breathing.  But after Samuel's period of not being able to talk but fully understanding everything, I am now most certain she understood me. Her death was so hard to process. She was literally the only flesh and blood who loved me like Jesus does.  I miss her being here every single day.  And, for 14+ years now, I remember that vow to make her proud and work my way toward it.  I cannot wait to see her again. 

Much love, Del!  Thank you for believing, for loving, for trusting in God and in me.  I'll never forget those gifts.