In His Words

Let God be true and every man a liar.  (Romans 3:4) 

The earth is the LORD’S, and all it contains, The world, and those who dwell in it.  For He has founded it upon the seas  And established it upon the rivers.  Who may ascend into the hill of the LORD?   And who may stand in His holy place?  He who has clean hands and a pure heart,   He who has not lifted up his soul to falsehood and has not sworn deceitfully.  He shall receive a blessing from the LORD And righteousness from the God of his salvation.  (Psalm 24:1-3)

 By the word of the LORD the heavens were made; all the heavenly bodies by the breath of his mouth.  He gathered the oceans into a single place; he put the deep water into storehouses.  Let all the world fear the LORD; let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him; because he spoke and it came to be, because he commanded, it stood firm.  (Psalm 33:6-9)

“I form light and create darkness, I make goodness and create disaster. I am the Lord, who does all these things.  “Shout, you skies above, and you clouds, and let righteousness stream down.  I am the one who says to the earth, ‘Let salvation blossom, and let righteousness sprout forth.’  “Woe to the one who quarrels with his makers, a mere potsherd with the potsherds of the earth! Woe to the one who says to the one forming him, ‘What are you making?’ or ‘Your work has no human hands?’!  Woe to the one who says to his father,  ‘What are you begetting?’ or to a woman, ‘To what are you giving birth?’!”  This is what the Lord says, the Creator of the signs: “Question me about my children? Or give me orders about the work of my hands?  I myself made the earth and personally created humankind upon it. My own hands stretched out the skies; I marshaled all their starry hosts.” (Isaiah 45:7-12)

The Lord does whatever pleases him in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all it's deep regions. He makes the clouds rise from the ends of the earth; fashioning lightning for the rain, bringing the wind from his storehouses. (Psalm 135:6-7)  He shields the heavens with clouds, preparing rain for the earth and making grass grow on the hills. (Psalm 147:8)

He sends out his command to the earth, making his word go forth quickly. He supplies snow like wool, scattering frost like ashes.  He casts down his ice crystals like bread fragments. Who can endure his freezing cold? He sends out his word and melts them. He makes his wind blow and the water flows. (Psalm 147:15-18)

He made the earth by his power. He established the world by his wisdom, and by his understanding he spread out the heavens.   When his voice sounds, there is thunder from the waters of heaven, and he makes clouds rise up from the ends of the earth. He makes lightning for the rain and brings wind out of his storehouses.  (Jeremiah 51:15-16)

God thunders with His voice wondrously, doing great things which we cannot comprehend.  For to the snow He says, ‘Fall on the earth,’  And to the downpour and the rain, ‘Be strong.’ He seals the hand of every man, that all men may know His work. (Job 37:5-7)

Look! The one who crafts mountains; who creates the wind, who reveals what he is thinking to mankind, who darkens the morning light, who tramples down the high places of the land— the Lord, the God of the Heavenly Armies is his name.  (Amos 4:15)

 

  God is truly awesome, beyond what we know; the number of his years is unknowable.  He draws up drops of water, distilling it to rain and mist.   When the clouds pour down; they drop their rain on all of humanity.  “Furthermore, can anyone understand cloud patterns, or the thundering in his pavilion?  He scatters his lightning above it, and covers the bottom of the sea.  He uses them to judge some people and give food to many.  His hands are covered with lightning that he commands to strike his designated target.  His thunder declares his presence; and tells the animals what is coming.”  (Job 36:26-33)

From the south, a whirlwind proceeds, out of the icy north winds.  From the breath of God ice is produced, and a wide body of water is frozen.  He also loads the clouds with moisture, scattering his lightning with the clouds.  It whirls about in circles at his direction to accomplish all that he commands throughout the surface of the entire world, whether for discipline on his land or to demonstrate his gracious love, he causes it to be realized.  (Job 37:9-13)

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained; What is man that You take thought of him, And the son of man that You care for him? Yet You have made him a little lower than God, And You crown him with glory and majesty! You make him to rule over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet. (Psalm 8:3-6)

The Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.  He stores up sound wisdom for the upright and is a shield to those who walk in integrity—guarding the paths of the just and protecting the way of his faithful ones.  You will understand what is right, just, and upright—every good path, for wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.  (Proverbs 2:6-10)

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not depend on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Do not be wise in your own opinion. Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.  This will bring healing to your body,  (Proverbs 3:5-8)

 A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)  

If a man’s steps are directed by the Lord; how then can anyone understand his own way?  (Proverbs 20:24)

Lord, Direct my footsteps by your promise, and do not let any kind of iniquity rule over me.  (Psalm 119:133)

My feet stay where his footsteps lead; I kept on his pathway and haven’t turned aside.  I haven’t wandered away from the commands that he has spoken; I’ve treasured what he has said more than my own meals.” (Job 23:11-12)    

Because my steps have held fast to your paths, my footsteps have not faltered.  I call upon you, for you will answer me, God. Listen closely to me and hear my prayer.  Show forth your gracious love, save those who take refuge in you from those who rebel against your sovereign power.  Protect me as the most precious part of the eye; hide me under the shadow of your wings  (Psalm 17:5-8)

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, making the Lord his trust. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by a stream. He won’t fear when the heat comes, his leaves will be green. In a year of drought he won’t be concerned, nor will he stop producing fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

How joyful is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding, because her profit is better than the profit of silver, and her yield than fine gold.  She is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire compares with her.  Long life is in her right hand, and in her left are riches and honor.   Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peaceful.  She is a tree of life for those who embrace her, and whoever clutches her tightly will be joyful.    (Proverbs 3:13-20) 

Indeed, what a man does is always in the Lord’s presence, and he weighs all his paths.  (Proverbs 5:21)

A man’s steps are established by the LORD, and the LORD delights in his way.  Though he stumbles, he will not fall down flat, for the LORD will hold up his hand.  I once was young and now I am old, but I have not seen a righteous person forsaken or his descendants begging for bread.  Every day he is generous, lending freely, and his descendants are blessed. (Psalm 37:23-26)

 I lift up my eyes toward the mountains— from where will my help come?   My help is from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.  He will never let my foot slip, nor will my guardian become drowsy.  Look! The one who is guarding Israel never sleeps and does not take naps.  The Lord is my guardian; the Lord is my shade at your right side.  The sun will not ravage me by day, nor the moon by night.  The Lord will guard me from all evil, preserving my life.  The Lord will guard my goings and comings, from this time on and forever.  (Psalm 121)

 

For who is God but the LORD, and who is a Rock other than our God?— the God who clothes me with strength, and who makes my way upright; who makes my feet swift as the deer; who makes me stand on high places. You have given to me the shield of your deliverance, and your right hand holds me up; gentleness made me great. You make a broad place for my steps, so my feet won’t slip. (Psalm 18:31-36)

I waited expectantly for the LORD, and he took notice of me and heard my cry.   He plucked me out of a pit of confusion, even out of the quicksand; he placed my feet on a rock and established my steps.  He put a new song in my mouth, to our God! Many will watch and be in awe, and they will place their trust in the LORD.  How blessed is that strong person who places his trust in the LORD, and who has not acknowledged the proud nor resorted to lies.  LORD, my God, You have done great things: marvelous works and your thoughts toward us. There is no one who compares to you! I will try to recite your actions, even though there are too many to number.  (Psalm 40:1-5)

Worship the Lord in holy splendor; tremble before him, all the earth. Declare among the nations, “The Lord reigns!” Indeed, he established the world so that it will not falter. He will judge people fairly. The heavens will be glad and the earth will rejoice; even the sea and everything that fills it will roar. The field and all that is in it will rejoice; then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy in the LORD’s presence, because he is coming; indeed, he will come to judge the earth. He will judge the world fairly and its people reliably. (Psalm 96:9-13)

Hear my cry, O God;  Give heed to my prayer.  From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint;   Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For You have been a refuge for me,  A tower of strength against the enemy.  Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.  (Psalm 61:1-4)

 Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon him while he is near.  Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous person his thoughts. Let him return to the Lord, So he’ll have mercy upon him, and to our God, for he’ll pardon abundantly.  "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and are your ways my ways?” declares the Lord.  “For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.  For just as the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, yielding seed for the sower and bread for eating, so will my message be that goes out of my mouth— it won’t return to me empty. Instead, it will accomplish what I desire, and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.  For you will go out in joy, and come back with peace; the mountains and the hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees in the fields will clap their hands.  Instead of thornbushes, pine trees will grow, and instead of briers, myrtles will grow; and they will be a sign for the Lord, and an everlasting name that will not be cut off."  (Isaiah 55:6-13)

Be in awe, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations.  I will be exalted throughout the Earth.  (Psalm 46:10)

 Trust in the LORD and do good. Dwell in the land and feed on faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.  (Psalm 37:3-4)

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In My Words

Thank you, Lord, for such a magnificent day!  One of the best!   Dayenu!   I am still in awe of the Snoquera Trail and all it's unexpected treasures.  I felt Your presence so strongly there as You fulfilled the desires of my heart on this day. Desires I didn't even know were there in fact!   The rain held back, the snow fell lightly, and the whirlwinds at the top were amazing and awe-inspiring. They were so brisk and strong, it was like we had entered another world there for a few minutes.  As my beloved said, "Everest!"   I loved that part the most and was not afraid though those winds should have terrified.  The fall colors and textures of rock among leaves, moss and snow delighted my eyes and soul.  I couldn't help but take many pictures as the views were so pleasant and unexpected.  Of course, my beloved leading the way provided further joy and beauty to each scene as we ascended and descended.   Thank you for keeping our physical pain at a minimum and special thanks for not letting "the magnet" take me off the cliff - You know the spot I'm referring to.  The whole day was nourishment to my soul and You never fail to teach me as I walk.

As we were heading back down the mountain, Mark said to me, "I wish 'so and so' could see you hiking like this.  Wouldn't they be amazed?"  We've had this conversation before (in regard to the fact that I'm legally blind and hiking on mountain tops)  but this time my answer was much more thought out.  In fact, my answer to that question had been on the tip of my tongue for the entire hike.  Only it was more about You than me, Lord.  

I said, "No, they wouldn't be amazed. They'd find some way to twist the accomplishment into an ash heap or make it all about them regardless of how magnificent it might be, simply because 'I' did it."   Mark agreed unaware that He had just entered into a conversation that You and I had been having for the entire ascent. 

This is exactly how so many people treat You, Lord.  Even those who say they know You.  (1 John 1:6)  They twist the marvelous works of Your Creation into allegories or random accidents.  They call the warnings and/or blessings ascribed to us through Your presence in weather, "Mother Nature."   They refer to Your Word as outdated, useless and defective and thus refuse to read anything containing it - including this entry.  "Jesus" is a swear word and calling sin what it is equates to a hate crime.  They label Your truth a lie, Your morals perverse, and Your laws too cumbersome, while they embrace "The Liar" distinguishing themselves as enlightened - even gods.  They fail to perceive that rejecting parts or all of Your truth is inviting disaster, even total destruction. 

It really doesn't matter what You do, they despise it. Certainly, it is these whom You warned us not to share our pearls with.  (Matthew 7:6)  Assuredly, Psalm 18:25-26 is also true: to the holy, You show Your gracious love, to the upright, You show yourself upright;  to the pure, You show Yourself pure, and to the morally corrupt, You appear to be perverse.


I know how You must feel - to a much lesser degree of course. This is that "shared suffering" You speak of here (1 Peter 4:12-14) and You are certainly my promised comfort in that.  I am also aware that this no grand surprise to you. (Romans 1:18-23) And while I am disturbed by the various ways Your glories are trampled here on Earth, I also pity those who will never truly know You.  Furthermore, I pity the ones who believe they know you while their deeds and confessions prove they obviously do not.  Those who profane Your Name in this manner while claiming to be Your children are the hardest to turn back to You.

But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, “You are my God.”  My times are in Your hand;   Deliver me from the hand of my enemies and from those who persecute me.  Make Your face to shine upon Your servant;   Save me in Your lovingkindness.   Let me not be put to shame, O LORD, for I call upon You;  Let the wicked be put to shame, let them be silent in in the grave.   Let the lying lips be mute which speak arrogantly against the righteous with pride and contempt.  How great is Your goodness which You have stored up for those who fear You,  which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You  before the sons of men!  You hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the conspiracies of man;  You keep them secretly in a shelter away from the strife of tongues.  Blessed be the LORD!  (Psalm 31:14-21)

Amen and Amen.

Psalm 104:1-35

Where I Am At - 2011

My Dad always had a thing for junk old vehicles and it seemed the uglier it was, the more he liked it.  None of us (Mom, sister, brother) ever understood it.  Sometime in my late teens, he owned a Datsun wagon similar to this. 

He always told us what a great car it was and how much he loved it.  He said that every time he drove it, he felt like he should open the window and throw money on the ground for all the people less fortunate than him.  We thought he was absolutely nuts.  A tan (got to be the most ugly car color ever) station wagon?  Felt like you were in a pop can (or rat trap) when you rode in it.  A four speed (read gutless).  We thought he should take all the money he wanted to throw on the ground and buy himself something "decent."

He could afford a nice car.  My Mom drove a nice new Dodge truck and also had a Corvette. (Paid off I might add)  Yet he always seemed to enjoy the junkers and he owned so many different ones that our yard looked like a used car lot, or junkyard depending on your perspective.   But this car - we kids hated it most and took every opportunity available to make fun of it. (We were awful)  To us, it was so old and ugly that we did our best to never be seen in it.  When it was time for my sister and I to learn to drive a stick shift, we laughed about all the things we could plow with it and how it wouldn't matter because it was already so hideous.  A few dents might improve its appearance in our opinion. 

My Dad would find what I'm about to say comical if he actually read my blog.   I finally understand what he meant by the whole, throwing money on the ground thing.  And this year, that is where I am at.  Let me explain.

In 2009, I posted Where I Am At  to recap all the emotions and work of sifting through grief in the first year after Samuel left us.  That was my "Job" year.  It was a job too but I am referring to Job in the Bible.  He endured his worst nightmare during which he spoke with "friends" about all the things he knew about God.  He listed out all the things he wished to have God answer in regard to his situation.  In the end God showed up and asked him a barrage of things to which Job said in Job 42:2-6

“I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you.  You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’
It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me.
 You said, ‘Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.’
I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes.  I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”

Before Samuel's death day, I knew about God and like Job, a lot of what I knew was wrong.  From Samuel's death day forward, I came to know God and in doing so, found I had to repent and relearn much. That was how I spent the first year after Samuel, getting to know Him and allowing Him to walk me through the most traumatic experience of my life.  That was the year I went from simply believing He existed to unshakably knowing He lives.

The recap helped me see where I had been that past year and realize that I had grown a lot - in Him and out of grief so I wrote another one for 2010, the second year without Samuel.  The heaviest grief had subsided into the dullness of reality without him here.  In the first year, grief is so heavy that many people fear looking upon it.  It is as if you have a gaping bloody wound with organs hanging out and it scares people.  They flee possibly thinking that if they don't look at it, it cannot happen to them.  That's exactly what happened..  90% of our support while Samuel lived disappeared completely. The second year, apparently the wound is covered enough that people can ignore it because that then is what they did.  Just pretend Samuel never lived.  Never speak his name.  Assume all is well but don't ask just in case it isn't.   Last year was harsh with some very dark areas; I did not feel I fit into this world and people just expected me to live as if none of the tragedy ever happened, as if Samuel never existed. Obviously impossible.

This year's recap is a near 180 to last year's.  Experts will tell you that there is no timeline for grief to subside to a place where life feels "normal" and worth living again and some people use this as a license to never recover.  I know a few such people and I just want to ask them, "Do you truly want to recover your life or do you just want to drain all the sympathy and attention that last 10% of people have left for you?"  And I ask that in the nicest way possible.   From where I stand there is only one way to reclaim your life and that is to seek the One who allowed tragedy to happen, humble yourself before Him and allow Him to walk you through it.  The time it takes for life to feel normal and worth living again depends on the effort you put into trusting Him, learning from Him and allowing Him to bend and mend your heart.

Since last year's recap, it has been a time of Him cutting things out our our lives in order to heal and mature that which remains.  It became quickly obvious that it was time to move away from the grief of Samuel's life to deal with the griefs of our own lives minus Samuel, both past and present.  Very painfully and abruptly, people were cut out of our lives.  And also unexpectedly, Mark joined the ranks of the unemployed.   On the surface and initially, both things seemed very dismal.  But, I've found that when He cuts things out of your life, it's because they are not good for you anymore.  Or because you need to step away from those things in order to gain perspective and discernment and there was no other way for you to have either one while you were immersed in it.  Trusting Him in such precarious areas does result in more good than bad and that's how things have been for us.  For Mark who continued to work in an environment of sick and dying children for years after Samuel left us, this separation has been good.  The job was very hard on him emotionally.  Like dredging up the past over and over and still being able to do nothing about it.  He was never able to be fully comforted in his own grieving process or move beyond it in that environment.  He's had a solid six months to just be and it's been very good for him (and me and the kids too.  When Daddy's home every day is a holiday to us).  I blogged a bit about God's healing of the "Tamar" part of my life here.  It wasn't too long after that experience of resurrection that I began asking God to allow Mark and I to have another honeymoon to fully enjoy the restoration.  Considering the first one was a bust with the stigma of being pregnant before the wedding, considering the last several years were atrocious at times, and finally considering the unimaginable gift He had just given me, I hoped this was too much to ask.  I was thinking something like a couple day getaway.  Just Mark and I - no kids obviously, but I just didn't know how that would be possible, either financially or otherwise.  And that was all before he lost his job.  

It was less than a week after the job loss that I realized my prayer was answered, just not in the way I had expected.  It was better.  So much better that I just started laughing like Sarah must have laughed when God told her she was going to have a baby when she was 90.  It just didn't seem possible and yet it was coming to pass.  A true Biblical honeymoon which I knew about but would have never expected.  Deuteronomy 24:5  “When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken.  I realized I needed to share this with Mark who was still understandably upset about not having a job.  He was unaware of my prayer for another honeymoon at that time.  I told him that I had something to confess but I was certain that I wasn't going to be able to get all the words out without laughing.  Through giggles, I told him about the prayer and what a Biblical honeymoon looked like and that it seemed to me that this prayer was answered.  His response, "So this is YOUR fault?"  More laughter.  How would it be possible?  Well, God has provided for us for six months now and this entire time, we've both called it our honeymoon and enjoyed it as such.  It's been an amazing time of rest, renewal, pushing through some walls, some grief and growing in our relationship.  It's been SO wonderful, I cannot even tell you how much we both needed this time.  We continue to trust God for provision and a future job as He sees fit.

I knew that the Olive Garden experience was significant of something from the moment it began but it's taken me 5 months (to the day) to figure it out.  It has a lot to do with throwing money on the ground except I'll change the analogy a bit to throwing blessings on the ground.  This happened exactly one month into our "honeymoon" when we were still feeling a bit precarious about how it was going to work out long term.  I wanted us both to dump all the what-if fears and concerns to just enjoy the blessing.  But I am also a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" kind of person so I was afraid to fully immerse myself in what God had put in front of us.  Part of me felt like I didn't deserve such a huge favor.  Part of me was afraid that if I let myself fully enjoy it, everything would fall apart.  So on the drive to the restaurant, I was throwing my blessings on the ground; I made myself feel guilty for wanting to enjoy such amazing blessings while our friends were enduring trails in their own lives.  Trials that I could not ease for them.  Trails that I could not take on for them.  Trials between them and God.  Sitting in the Olive Garden after throwing my blessings on the ground did not result in  blessing. Instead He reminded me quite clearly without even a warning of the (no words for this) monstrous, bitter, awful, years of suffering we endured with Samuel as well as the tremendous loss and cross we carry the rest of our lives without him. We've paid a high price for the lessons we learned through that that now go toward a future glory. Samuel paid the ultimate price to teach all of us with his life and I know his reward for this will be exceedingly great.  But this knowledge doesn't change the fact that you could stab me with a knife over and over again and never come close to the pain I feel in my heart, still, even now, because he's not here. And right there in the middle of a restaurant, for God and everyone to watch play out, that agony was again as fresh as it would be if it had only just occurred. I left angry at Him for the ambush. He pushed all the right buttons all at once and left me in a terrible emotional state for days to come. And for what point exactly?  As I said, it's taken awhile to figure out.

Mark and I have survived a horrible ordeal together. It was not just some little blip in our lives easily forgotten.  I realize over and over just how unbelievable and awful things were - for a very long time - when I try to describe them to a person who knows nothing about what we endured. How did we manage it all? I always come back to that question as do others.  We are still physically and emotionally tried and tired.  I'm not sure we have the strength to endure another hardship even half comparable to Samuel's lifetime.   I hope we'll never have to go through anything this harsh on our hearts again.  We'll carry this sorrow until God removes it in Heaven.  While I know God holds my future and I trust Him now more than ever, I have a nagging fear that the minute we find joy without immense sorrow in this life, that joy will be ripped away from our hands and sorrow will solely remain.  I hate typing that out but it's true.  The world calls it PTSD but God would call it a lack of faith in His goodness.  So,  I know I need to let it go. 

In Job 42:12, after Job repents and is reconciled to God, the LORD blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning.  There are no more recorded "shoe droppings" for Job.  He endured some hideous losses as well as physical torment but when Job SAW God he also saw his own vileness and knew his lowly place in this world.  No one could take the experience or what it did in his heart away from him.  No one and no thing from that point on would have been able to shake his confidence in his Lord.  During that trial, though he wavered a bit, he had proven himself faithful to God.  I assume that was the end of the major trials and temptations for him because there is only blessing recorded after that.  James 1:12  Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.  I pray I'm there - approved.  I cannot speak for Mark but like Job, no one and no thing will ever again make me doubt God's existence, love for us, and faithfulness to His children.  I think this is a point God wants us all to reach with Him but because we are often rebellious, we suffer worse and worse trails as He continues to try to reach us.  This is why we are vile.  You'd think He could reach us in His goodness but often it isn't until we're the most broken lost souls that we finally humble ourselves, listen and obey Him.  We are vile and He is far greater than we can imagine and again I'll say that I pray I've been approved in His sight and that our gut wrenching trials similar to Job's, are over.  I do not expect a life with no hardship, just hope and pray for less horrible sicknesses and deaths to so personally dawn my doorstep.  I realize just how depraved I am when He tries to bless me; I know I don't deserve it and at the same time, I don't want to lose the blessing.  There is a word for this feeling: Dayenu.  Yesterday's blessing would have been enough and still there are more, and more, and more.  And some are just so unbelievable that I can do little else but smile and laugh because I am so happy.  He is so good!

Blessings are meant to be enjoyed, especially dayenu blessings.  Not thrown on the ground for those "less fortunate" as my Dad would say.  Those he felt were less fortunate than him were the very same people who would drive by and make fun of his car. They had no way of appreciating it's value.   It ran well, got good gas mileage, and he didn't have to slave away at a job he despised to own it. Sadly for him, it was the most faithful thing in his life and in his mind, like mine, in order to hang on to this blessing, he somehow thought that he needed to throw the money he was saving (which was the blessing) away thus throwing the blessing on the ground.  The fact of the matter is that he learned to enjoy that blessing the hard way; by driving an expensive car he had to work long hours just to enjoy, or by having one which always needed repairs, or by having one you had to be "careful" with since it was new.

Most people would look at our family today and never see our blessings.  Some feel sorry for us.  Others might say that we must be horrible, indecent people and God is punishing us for it.  Let's see what they see: our son got cancer and a whole lot of other horrible things, we incurred a huge amount of debt and then he died.  Mark is currently unemployed. We are not enamored with "stuff" so don't own anything you'd be jealous of and covet.  On the surface, our life today looks pretty bland, boring and that 90% would say sad.   Yet we treasure our quiet simple life together.  We've had enough drama.

 

This is what is most important; Mark and I have each other and after all has been said and done, isn't that amazing?  And currently, we have been given a honeymoon to refresh and reward us simply because I asked for one.  I'm still laughing about that.  We have a glorious peace over our home and our children are thriving, happy and well-adjusted.   And Samuel is in Heaven more than likely keeping God alert as to what we are doing, as if He needs the help.  What else can I say?  The sorrow is there and I expect it always will be.  I cannot change what happened but I wouldn't give up being Samuel's Mom to be spared the agony of being separated.  The lessons of his lifetime brought me to where I am at today, a place of immense blessing and much to look forward to including being reunited with him in Glory at some point. 

What God was trying to show me at the Olive Garden was that He alone knows the depth of my pain and how much my heart has suffered through it.  But that time of trial is over and whatever tomorrow holds is out of my control.  Worrying about it will destroy my enjoyment of today.  Trying to enjoy the blessing for those who may never learn to do the same won't keep my blessings coming either.  My blessings from Him are simply that: mine.  And this is obviously a time for blessings as evidenced by so much dayenu so I am offending Him by asking for such a great favor, having Him grant it, and then being afraid to enjoy it.   He cannot bless me at all if I continually throw the gifts He gives me on the ground.   Apparently I have the opposite problem of the one Job speaks of when he asks, "Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?”  Seems I need to relearn how to accept the good.  Forgive me, Lord, for expecting rotten apples and mirages from You who have only shown Yourself to me as good.  I still have a lot to learn.

And P.S.

I still hate that Datsun but I definitely understand the treasure in older cars (that are not junk) which is why we own a Bronco.  Mark's been fixing it up little by little and repainting it because sky blue is yet another horrible car color.

Dayenu!

Dayenu

Dayenu is a Jewish song traditionally sung on Passover to thank God for His "more than enough" provisions. Dayenu in Hebrew means "it would have been enough," or "It would have been sufficient."

These are the words to the song.

Five Stanzas of Leaving Slavery
1) If He had brought us out of Egypt.2) If He had executed justice upon the
Egyptians.3) If He had executed justice upon their gods.4) If He had slain their
first born.5) If He had given to us their health and wealth

Dayenu.

Five Stanzas of Miracles
6) If He had split the sea for us.7) If He had led us
through on dry land.8) If He had drowned our oppressors.9) If He had provided
for our needs in the wilderness for 40 years.10) If He had fed us manna.

Dayenu.

Five Stanzas of Being With God
11) If He had given us Shabbat.12) If He had led
us to Mount Sinai.13) If He had given us the Torah.14) If He had brought us into
the Land of Israel.15) He built the Temple for us.

Dayenu.

One of the nicest things about this trip was leaving all the ties that bind behind and getting out into His Creations and letting Him be Himself. Not the God we try to box in with religious junk. Not the God we think we know but don't. The God I met on this trip was a Daddy delighting in His daughter. I was a child again and He was the Father my father never wanted or knew how to be. And that would have been enough...........but there was so much more and it is going to take another few days to share it. I am still basking in it.

I feel like I need to insert Dayenu right here in between these Treasure Trip entries. I sure did not want to come home. I didn't want it to end. It was actually quite sad to have to come home. And it is not because I didn't think I got enough because I got more than enough. I was sad to come back to the reminders of the past. I was sad to return to what I expect to return to. It was nice to go somewhere full of dayenu and I appreciated it. I knew it was dayenu and the Lord just kept pouring out the blessings. It was a special trip and now it is back to "life on earth." The farther I got from this house, the better I felt. I realized that I could walk away from this place and never look back and never miss it. Returning to this house after a dayenu trip wasn't quite like going back to the chains, but it was close. We really need to get out of this house and like everyone else, because of the economy, we are basically stuck now more than ever. Going home really made me realize how much this house is bringing me down. It has for years, that is no secret.

About ten years ago when Kaysha and Daniel were ages 3 and 1 respectively, we rented a beach house on the Oregon Coast. It was one of those dayenu trips as well. I videotaped parts of this trip and on the last night I said over and over, "Oh, I cannot believe we have to go back to that old box." The kids laugh about the "old box" now. The "old box" was a reference to a mobile home we lived in prior to coming to this house. It was a two bedroom less than 1000sq. feet trailer. While we had a much nicer yard there than here, we were bursting at the seams in that house. On top of that, we had a drug dealer move in next door so had steady traffic from 3pm-3am. It was ridiculous with the culmination of that being when one of the drunk druggies backed his van into our house. Yes, you read that right. Anyway, after this dayenu trip to OR, within a year, we moved to this house. We thought we were forever stuck in that trailer as well but God made a way for us to get out. And for the record, I loved this place right up until Samuel's diagnosis. Him dying here was just frosting on the disgusting cake. So while I am thankful that after all of that, we even still have a house, I pray that God will make another way for us to get out where there seems no way. I think a "fresh" start would really do me good. This trip proved that.

I believe this is why God doesn't allow humans to live in His Glory 24/7/365. It is way too hard to go back to life on earth after an experience like that. It makes you long to be in Heaven.

Samuel lives in this Glory every day only he doesn't have to ever return to "earth life." I have always known in my head that he is having fun up there but I believe in my heart that I had the opportunity to experience the kind of fun he has and that he was fully part of it. I have often asked God to show me what Samuel does for fun up there and I believe I got a taste of it. Only a fool would want that to end.

So Lord, here is my thanks to you. Just taking the trip to these places I have always wanted to have the time to come back to would have been enough. Just taking special care of my dogs by leaving them bones would have been enough. Just visiting Ruby Beach and finding the stars would have been enough. Just finding that dino egg rock and sea star crowing the castle would have been enough. Just knowing Samuel was part of it would have been enough. But, You are about more than enough.

This trip was my Dayenu. Blessing upon blessing. I felt like it was a dress rehearsal for another life yet to be lived. Who am I that the Lord of the Universe would care this much for me? I'll try to be worthy.

Dayenu, Lord, Dayenu!
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