By Example

March 26th marked the 14th year that (Grandma) Delma has been in Heaven.  Mark and I hadn't even been married a year when she left this Earth.  I feel like she never got a chance to know me...as an adult.   She departed the day before my 24th birthday.   In February of that year, I flew down to Bakersfield with Kaysha who was 4 months old at the time so I could be with Del when it became obvious that she wasn't long for the world.   Up to that time, she had always told her best friend Roberta how sad she was thinking she was never going to be able to meet her first great-granddaughter.  Words cannot describe the look on her face when I walked into her hospital room and put Kaysha, still in her car seat,face to face with her on the bed.  Perfectly cued, Kaysha said, "Hi!" with a gigantic smile on her face.  Quite something else considering that she had spent a good 6 hours stuck in that car seat between cars and planes to get there.  And yes, at four months old, she somehow knew how to tell people "hi" right on cue.  When I'd take her grocery shopping, every time someone passed, she'd tell them hi and many would stop dead in their tracks and ask, "Did she just say hi to me?"  Well, Delma covered her face with her hands, mouth gaping wide open in shock and thrilling amazement.  She was SO happy she cried.  (I can only imagine her joy when she welcomed Samuel into Heaven based on seeing this scene firsthand)  Roberta tells me to this day that she will never ever forget that moment and how happy meeting Kaysha made Delma.   Apparently, she talked about it over and over with Roberta until she died.   Delma's family meant everything to her.  Everything.  When Delma died, I was inconsolable for months and it was about 18 months before I was good for much in this life.  She was my best friend and I've missed her every day for over 14 years.

My kids love to hear stories about Delma and I love to share them but in actuality, they are not all that spectacular in the "world's" point of view.  We did not travel the world and she did not live in a glorious mansion with everything our hearts could dream of longing for.  No.  None of that.  Simply hanging out with Delma in her modest home was enough.  Eating, conversing and loving.  That about sums things up.  Because of this simple living, memories of a childhood with her are everywhere around me and I try to impart this humble enjoyment to my own kids.  The smell of bacon cooking reminds me of Delma making it nearly every morning after we stayed the night.  I smell it and hope someday my grandkids will remember me by the pleasant aromas and scrumptious meals made in my kitchen.  Sitting on the front porch enjoying a nice day reminds me of sitting in their backyard doing the same, or even better, watching lightning storms roll in and then running into the house when they got too close.  There was no rush rush at Del's.  Her favorite saying, "I have more time than money, kid."   In fall, she'd rake the leaves into a gigantic pile in front of our swing so we could jump in them.  We climbed high in her trees just to hear her say, "Come down from there.  What if you fall?"  My bathroom is oriented similarly to the way hers was and every morning I get ready for the day, I swear it's like walking into hers, and I hear her comment on how she cannot believe I don't need a curling iron for my hair.   All those trips to the market to pick out something for dinner and check out the make up isle with her alongside showing me how to "test" them properly.  We took the kids to Del Taco which just opened up near us for old time's sake.  Anna said she loved "Del's Tacos" and I sat there flooded with memories of years of eating there after a trip to the store with her.  Sitting in Denny's with her asking me to please drink some of her coffee so that waitress would refill her cup with a hotter batch.  She hated coffee that was anything less than hot...HOT!  Her little candy dish filled with Skittles next to where she sat on the sofa to watch TV.  She liked a little candy.  We do as well.  Then there's that box of See's Candies to mark special occasions now a tradition in my home too.  I could go on and on...   Truth be told, I love talking about Delma just as much as I love talking about Samuel.

Everyone here is well aware of Delma's influence on my life.  We talk about her every single day and while none of my children knew her on Earth, they know her way of living life well and cannot wait to meet her.   Delma knew something it takes most people a lifetime to learn, if they learn it at all; true joy begins with a godly home.  A godly home is one filled with the love of God and that honors His commandments.  Have these things first and everything else falls into place.   This accurately describes Delma's house.  She was all for a good time, but you better honor God while having it.  She was not shy if you needed correction but God's grace abounded in her methods of discipline.  You could confess any sin to her and know you'd be met with unconditional love as long as you did so with a repentant heart.   I miss that more than you know.  We are all human and we all make mistakes.  However, one of the worst things "Christians" do is chastise a mistake or sin you are repenting of.  Repenting means you know it's wrong, and you are sorry.  You want to make things right and STOP doing whatever it was.  This is where compassion is needed, not hellfire.   Del met you with compassion in such circumstances looking for ways to help you make things right, both in your own heart, with God and whomever else may be involved.  And ever after the sin was spoken of, she never NEVER used it against you at a later date.  Once repented of, it was forgotten, just like Jesus forgets.   I so miss my Delma!  We all need someone in our lives like this!  Like the Lord, she was 100% trustworthy.  That's a rarity today.

For this year's Heavenly birthday, in Delma's honor, I prepared a traditional Thanksgiving dinner (turkey and trimmings) and invited "so and so" and his wife to join us.  You remember them, right?  I mentioned them in this post.  Our friends who have been married a very short time who are looking for true joy in all the wrong places. 
As a result, their home life is not filled with happiness and laughter as ours is or as Delma and Mac's were.  But rather than giving them an ear full of words that would have most likely went in one ear and out the other, Mark and I chose instead to bring them into our loving home hopefully providing them an example that appreciating the simple things such as the ones you love and a good (okay, awesome) meal is where real joy finds it's roots.  Same as Delma did for me.  Delma's greatest "fruit" in life was providing an example; being a role model of a godly lifestyle.  If you live it, that is compelling enough; words are often unnecessary.  I'm by no means suggesting that I am a Delma quality godly role model.  No.  I have a long way to go to get to her standard.  She set the bar high.  But this I know, our marriage has been tested by fire and that fire has only made it stronger.  Mark is as much an integral piece of me as my arms, legs and even heart are.  I cannot imagine a marriage any other way and this amazing relationship and love is something I wish to impart to our friends.  I learned that this kind of relationship is possible by observing Delma's marriage and wanting that kind of marriage as my own. I work every day to keep our love watered, nurtured and growing.  Godliness leading to true joy in life starts in the home.   Did our guests leave with a "Delma" seed planted into their lives?  I don't know.  They were never made aware of the significance of the date for me either.   What I do know is that they were welcomed with open arms into our household as a unit, not as two separate people who don't get along, and my kids (two anyway) lavished love on them.  We laughed and enjoyed good conversation, then we all overate and enjoyed every second of it.  Even Samuel showed up to turn on the TV  about five minutes after we retired into the back room.  Explaining Samuel's TV antics to them was quite comical and if anything, I'm sure that made an impression, LOL!  Even he can't stay away.

Godly role models are so lacking today and the consequences are stunning, and not in a good way.  Divorce!  As I've pondered this post, I have fully realized the tremendous impact Delma had on my life, not just as a grandmother but as a Sister in Christ.  She was filled with the Lord's unconditional love and if people didn't see it, it was simply because their hearts were so full of sin that love no longer registered.  Certainly, she had two children and five grandchildren which she nurtured in very similar ways and yet many of not most chose paths away from Jesus looking to worldly ways for joy and satisfaction in life.  Two of the seven are dead now neither finding satisfaction.   

Often we miss what is right in front of our faces.  Some people actually scoffed at Delma's simple life and her complete entanglement with Mac in marriage (which was most evident when he died-part of her died as well).   She had no great worldly accomplishments, nor vast fortune, but what she did have money cannot buy: divine love.   The true test of a life well lived is is people speak well of you you and your wisdom after you are gone.  Do they remember your name at all?  As long as I live, Delma's name and "fruit" will be spoken of and learned from.  I hope my own children will recognize what she lived to teach and learn this valuable lesson well.  Joy begins with a godly home.  Every blessing on top of that is icing on the cake.

He is Able

When we are weak, God is strong. When a situation seems incredibly impossible, that is when God shows Himself in a mighty and undeniable way. As natural disasters continue to hit the earth in ever increasing waves of devastation, I am reminded that the devil is aware his time left to wreak havoc on the earth is short. Know that that is exactly what the devil is up to. He is out to steal, kill and destroy... period. His passion is to pick on the weakest victims and his aim is to destroy any hope they might have had in this life. Look at where the majority of the most hideous natural disasters occur and see if you don't find a pattern. The devil loves it when people begin to believe that God is cruel as a result of these disasters; as if it was God who inflicted punishment on these already weakened people. As the book of Job so clearly illustrates, the devil's goal is to get people to "curse God and die." Clearly, nothing has changed. Job so helpfully had "friends" who gladly pointed out all the things he must have done to bring God's judgement upon him. Yet, nothing that came upon Job had anything to do with God's judgement at all. Again, nothing has changed, has it? Might the key here be to help strengthen the weak? Isn't that what God calls us to do? Why is it that it takes a horrible disaster for us to even remember who the weak are?

A friend sent me a note last night making mention that the Haitians feel as if God has forsaken them. This breaks my heart more than anything else. Thinking like this allows the devil to gain a foothold on a people already devastated. God hasn't forsaken anyone. However, He needs foot soldiers to accomplish His work on this earth. As I look at the inferior infrastructure which is making aid so difficult to get in as well being responsible for so many casualties, I can't help but wonder if we've dropped the ball. "Forgive us, Lord." It's so easy to get wrapped up in our own lives and forget that not everyone is able to live as we do. We are a blessed people and that blessing was given so that it might be shared. Not just in times of great tragedy when without question, people step up to the plate, but also on a daily basis because there are so many people in need all over the world. Need goes beyond monetary support although that is a good start. Organizations such as Compassion International which partner with the country to teach, train, build and empower it's own citizens to dig themselves out of poverty need our continued support well beyond this initial disaster. Haitians will need help for many years if not decades to come and my fear is that soon we will grow weary of watching and they will be forgotten.

James 2:14-17 reminds us that Faith Without Works Is Dead. What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

We are a people called to act, not just watch and pray. Sometimes it takes faith to act because we look at a situation that appears to us, insurmountable. Know that God is not only willing but also very much able. He moves with compassion but is also moved by OUR compassion for others especially when we put aside our own problems to care for another's.

My prayers remain fervent for the people of Haiti. Also, for those who are physically going there to help. Helplessness undoubtedly grips us as we watch the news coverage and read various updates of people found, and people lost and yet I know that God is there. I see Him using people there in mighty ways. When helplessness overtakes you: pray, give, honor God and honor people. We are all on this earth together and what affects one affects all.

Compassion is doing a great job keeping us updated here. They have, however, removed all the Haitian children waiting for sponsors until they are all accounted for.

Shaken or Stirred

Yesterday I felt strangely unsettled in my spirit. As I tried to shake whatever it was, the Lord whispered, "Shaken or stirred," into my ear. At the time, I didn't know what that meant. I figured it wasn't Him quoting James Bond. Awhile later the news broke of the earthquake in Haiti. They were shaken, that was obvious. I don't usually get prophetic words from Him but I know His voice and know He is asking me to start stirring. I have been asking Him for more lately. More of Him. " Use me, Lord. Show me what to do." It didn't take long to get an answer.

It seems like a major earthquake in some part of the world is now a weekly event that not many people even notice unless they are directly affected. Until now. Here's how we know we are not living in the "days of Noah;" look at the outpouring of help for this country coming from all parts of the world. The compassion perhaps lost in the hearts of some has been stirred up in a mighty way. Hebrews 12 speaks of a time where the earth and the heavens will be shaken so that what cannot be shaken will remain. What cannot be shaken are those who have a direct relationship with God. Everything man made can be crushed in a heartbeat. Even our bodies. But if we belong to Jesus, shedding our body will not be something that shakes us. We will embrace the day we shed mortality for immortality.

In Acts 2:25, David is quoted concerning God saying: ‘ I foresaw the LORD always before my face, For He is at my right hand, that I may not be shaken." If you are always seeing the Lord in your daily activities and you know how intimately He is involved in your life, you will NOT be shaken as we live out these days of "shaking" that are upon us. Certainly some of His children need to be shaken so they will be awakened. The weeding of the tares has begun. Examine yourself daily. The time is now. Today. Tomorrow is promised to no one.

Before the earthquake occurred, I was randomly, or not so randomly reading through people debating religions. This is nothing new. Read through the gospels and you will see that even people back then wanted to debate laws of religion with Jesus Himself. Trying to find a loop hole, trying to find an opt out, trying to find a contradiction. They were then and are now missing the point. We serve a LIVING GOD. We worship the Creator of the Universe who loves us and desperately wants us to seek Him. Not a set of rules, laws, or a dead person. We are to follow Christ. That means we are in a relationship with Him. Part of why He died for us was so that we could have this unique individual tangible relationship with Him. When people look at our lives they should say, "God is with you." They should see Him all over us and when they do, they should want what we have. If people don't see His radiance in us, then we are doing something wrong.

When tragedy strikes, it is a normal reaction to be shaken. What often follows shaken is confusion and anxiety. But, as followers of Christ, we are not a people called to be shaken not knowing what to do. We are a people who should be stirred. Stirred to pray and help. Stirred to help God's children whether they know they are God's children or not. We don't help out of obligation to follow a law, or for hope of reward, but rather because it is our honor and privilege to serve Him. We do it because there is nothing more exciting on earth than to serve Him here. We are all on this earth together and as long as I have breath, I want to help people out of tragedy. Often the first step is knowing there is hope. The Lord Jesus is our hope. Always.

Perhaps you knew very little about Haiti before today but your heart has been stirred to help. That is the Lord stirring you to act. As you know, I am a Compassion International Child Advocate. Compassion works in Haiti and there will be projects, staff and children affected in this area. We are awaiting more info but as you know, there is very little infrastructure there so for a time, we will know very little. I personally do not sponsor children in Haiti and quite frankly was unaware of what a poverty stricken country this is. However, I have seen what Compassion has done to transform the lives of the children I do sponsor in Africa and Colombia.

Let me tell you about my sponsored child, Wilfred in Togo. He has had several strokes this year. I knew about this when I sponsored him. It didn't scare me. When he came to Compassion, he was extremely malnourished and heartbroken. You see, his mother abandoned him at the age of 8 months. His grandmother breastfed him from then on. He lives with his father in a hut. His father is a porter. He carts around people's belongings in a large wagon all day. Shortly after I became Wilfred's sponsor, his sister was able to come to live with them. Shortly after that, he let me know that they started attending church as a family. When he wasn't sponsored yet, they did not go to church at their project. It wasn't until I started to love him from afar that he felt the tug of Jesus in his life. He wanted more. He says he wants to love people the way I do. He asks me to pray for his father to give his life to Jesus. He has given his life to Jesus in the time that I have sponsored him. Look at the difference in Wilfred in just six months....

This is Wilfred and his Father. I photo shopped them to Ruby Beach and sent them several copies since pictures are a luxury they don't have access to. Wilfred told me he is very crushed inside because his mother abandoned him. I shared with him some very intimate things about Samuel's life and the honor of being Samuel's mother here that related to him. It is my honor to be a part of Wilfred's life. Wilfred's left side is crippled. Over the last few months, he has had more medical crises but because of Compassion, he is able to get to a hospital and get medical care including a CT scan which showed left side brain damage. He told me that he witnessed four children die in the hospital room while he was there. Can you imagine? What would you say to that? I know God chose me to sponsor him because I did know what to say. I told him that Jesus rescued those children from their sick bodies and they never experienced death. They are forever free of poverty and disease. I told him I would pray for their parents to feel God's peace. And interestingly enough, in Togo, funerals are usually more like a party. Families save up for a year to afford them. Perhaps they understand something we miss in tragedy; the person moved on to a better place. Wilfred wants me to pray that Jesus restore his left side. He has suffered vertigo, paralysis of his fingers and yet look at the above picture. Would you ever know it? Is he not one of the most beautiful children you ever laid eyes on? I want you to know that his spirit is glorious. He is a joyful child so full of the love of Jesus. It just bursts off the pages of his letters. His native tongue is French but he draws me big red hearts and writes "Love" in them. He is an amazing artist and letter writer. But what touches my heart the deepest is that he calls me his mom. He blesses me so much and has carved out a big place in my heart. God is allowing me to be a part of this child's magnificent spiritual life while helping them lift themselves out of abject poverty.

There are many charities out there that need your help today in Haiti. Compassion is one of them. One which I believe in. They have a disaster relief fund specifically for tragedies such as this. But if your heart is stirred to do more than a one time donation, please consider sponsoring a child either in Haiti or in another country Compassion assists.

Let your people be stirred, Lord, so that the world will see You as You really are. Amen.

A Sweet Acknowledgement

I received a new picture of Emmanuel this past week. I didn't expect one until December or so, so it was a pleasant surprise!

I also received a family picture from him personally. Compassion allows you to send additional child and family gifts in addition to your monthly sponsorship and so I did. God took the small gift I sent and multiplied it magnificently and this picture was sent as a "receipt" and thanks. This is the first time we have seen his family so we were very happy to "meet" them. Emmanuel is the smallest child in the picture. He has twin siblings and an older brother. No father to speak of, however.

The sweet acknowledgement was not the picture, although that was great too. It was a letter I received from him earlier in the week. Here is a few snippets from it.

"Thank the Almighty God for keeping us alive. Emma is
doing good and hopes Anna, Daniel, Kaysha, Mark, you and Samuel (who is NOT dead but with the Lord) are all doing well. Please visit Samuel's grave for Emma and tell him Emma loves him.

Your baby says he will pray for God to give you good
eyesight. He loves you very much and will pray for God to protect you all."

I thought that was the sweetest acknowledgement of where Samuel is and also shows such an obvious understanding that he is still just as important as my children still here on earth.

This one really touched my heart especially in light of my last post.

Divinely Knit Together

I had a Divinely blessed weekend. Kind of an interesting week too in which God gave me glimpses of His work "behind the scenes." Do you ever think He forgets about you for awhile because life seems to be mundane? Well, I guarantee you that He doesn't say, "Ooops, I forgot about Jen this week, better go listen in on her life and see what is going on." No, no, no. The eyes of my spirit are constantly being opened to what He is up to "behind the scenes" of my life.


I shared with you back in April my visitation with Samuel, and how those moments filled me with enough of Samuel's spirit and strength that I was able to live again. I was afraid at that time, that whatever happened to help my heart would vanish. Well, it didn't. I shared with my friend Sue that there was only one other time in my life where I remember a similar feeling of a huge weight being taken off me that allowed me to live and most importantly love again. It was a big deal in the summer of 1994 for that weight to be taken from me because it was shortly thereafter that I met Mark. If I still had that weight, I would not have been ready or able to even connect with Mark. I look back and see it was the hand of God that removed the burden so that I would be ready for the man He had planned for me to marry all along.........not the idiot I had been lamenting.....we'll not go there. Anyway, I suspected that God must have had something planned for me based on past experience. Had my visitation not happened, I don't know how I would be able to have gone on to experience the blessings I have had since then. I was set free on that day in ways that I cannot explain other than to say that I can live; meaning enjoy life again, and I can love.


Now, that doesn't mean I do not continue to miss Samuel because I do, every day. The immense burden of sorrow over what his life entailed is gone. Now there are just sporadic spurts of sadness. I live looking forward to seeing him; both in Heaven and in his signs and gifts on earth and that does not allow for much sorrow to sneak in. . Anyway, the kids left sometime Friday afternoon for Mark's parents to spend the night and suddenly, I was here alone. I guess I haven't been here alone for awhile because it was almost shocking. I went to Anna's room to put her laundry away and again pondered exactly how it was possible for that room, Samuel's room to now be pink. For a moment, I imagined this room as his room; the way he had it set up. I called his name just to hear it called out loud and I fully expected to hear him answer me. First I called Pooper. No answer. Of course! Then I called Little Nutty and in the back of my mind I heard "What"" but it was most likely my imagination. I was sad. I missed him so much right then and there. Mark came home later and we went to dinner and did a little of the weekly shopping. He went one way and I went the other in the store and walked right by the boy clothes with the dino T-shirts staring me in the face as I went to the girl clothes. There are days when you cannot get away from the hurt, even if it is lessened, it lingers. It can be paralyzing if you let it and I ended up going to bed quite early because that was easier than letting it have it's way with me. I pray every night that God allow me to visit Samuel again and since April 7th, there has been nothing like that visitation and while I prayed to be with him that night too, nothing happened. Fortunately, a good night's sleep these days is enough to stop the sorrow in it's tracks and that held true. Mark and I had plans for a wonderful day together (alone) and I was looking forward to it.


We grabbed the mail as we headed out of town and in it was a letter from Samuel, my Compassion child from Ghana. A letter from Samuel should give you a good clue what is coming next. I have only received one other letter from Samuel and it too came on a day when I really needed to hear from my own Samuel. Samuel in Ghana's first letter to me was sent when all he knew was my name and that I was his new sponsor and he wrote it himself. His second letter he dictated to the writer in obvious excitement. Read!





I want you to know that this letter had nothing short of Divine timing. It was an answer to my prayer the night before, just not quite the way I was expecting it. The words written in it and everything about it has the hand of God all over it. Now if I had received this letter before my visitation with Samuel, I would not have been ready to love this boy or accept the love he is sending me in the way it is written here. I might have even been offended that any child would think they could ever replace my Samuel. And yet, I am not offended but rather delighted. I chose to be God's hands and feet back in April and He has blessed me with something more precious than gold. While the place my Samuel took up in my life and heart can never be replaced, I trust God to fill it in with a new love because He knows I have a lot of love to give.

Think about it! This is an eight year old boy! Someone elses Samuel. Someone elses son willing to boldly claim to be my son to help my heart. There is a divine love in this child's heart to even think about this concept and there is a great boldness in his spirit to write it on paper never to be erased. Who does that remind you of? I knew when I first laid eyes on him on a web page next to Esther, that God was leading me to him. I knew he was special. I figured God had a plan in it all and I am all about doing what He wants me to do because He is a great rewarder to those who follow Him.


So, I now have a son named Samuel, whose heart is bursting with love and boldness, that lives in Africa. And my Father in Heaven has brought this boy into my life to bless me because I wanted to bless him; because I wanted to help someone elses Samuel in my own Samuel's honor. This is no small thing. When I read this letter, my own heart was bursting with love and joy. I felt the spirit of my own Samuel refresh me as I read it. It was the perfect set up for our wonderful day in the mountains. It was exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it.

We have been Divinely knit together. God prepared my heart for this child to be a part of my life months ago. And while a letter and a picture might seem like a small thing, it is the things done in Spirit and in love that bless beyond measure. So I tell you again, I am blessed beyond measure. Last Friday when I called out to Pooper and no one answered, I thought, "Well, he is not really Pooper anymore." Then when I called Little Nutty and heard his voice in my head sing "What?" I thought that he must answer to that because he is still just as clever and as funny there as he was here. I didn't trust that voice in my mind though. On Saturday as I was getting ready to go to the mountains, the lights in my bathroom were flashing like crazy, almost laughing or very excited. I noticed mainly because they haven't flashed much in the last week and I was beginning to ask God where Samuel was since he wasn't here. His absence is probably also why I felt so sad on Friday afternoon. Apparently, he was busy being a Little Nutty with God. I can almost hear him laughing. He wants me to be happy and I think part of me being happy on earth is taking care of "Samuel," regardless of whether I birthed him or he is part of my family through Jesus Christ. God picked this Samuel for me. How great is our God?

Emmanuel and Anna

Meet Emmanuel. Or Emma as he is called.

Emma is another of my Compassion assisted children in Ghana. This photo of him is almost two years old, taken just before he turned six. Emma will be eight on Christmas Day. There are four children in his family that his mother solely supports. There is no father in his life in any way shape or form. Emma lives about two miles out of Accra, Ghana (Where Obama just visited) and his mother works as a trader selling in the market. I chose him because I wanted to help support a single mother and his picture stole my heart. He looks a little sad to me actually and as I said, the picture is nearly two years old. I will be receiving a new photo and family circumstance update in December.

To date, I have received three letters from him (his project staff helped write them). Emma is in first grade but wait til you see these! This is the first. dated 5/16. It took three weeks to get here.

What struck me about this one was that first, he already received my first letter of introduction. Compassion allows you to send your letters via e-mail which is awesome because they go straight to the main office in the child's country. Depending on how often the individual projects pick up mail, these letters can be in your child's hands in a week or two. It looks like Emma receives my notes about two weeks after they are e-mailed.

The other thing that I noted was that he wanted to specifically greet Daniel in this letter but also that my girls were referred to as "his sisters." I thought it might have just been a mistake in translation.

Then I received this one dated 5/23 which took five weeks to arrive.

Anna took to Emmanuel most of all our sponsored kids. I think partly because she knows he doesn't have a father present in his life but also because he looked sad to her too. She wanted me to tell Emma that she loved him, and prays for him all the time and that he was her best friend. So I wrote that for her in one of my e-mails and that is the note that this second letter was responding to. And again, Anna is referred to as his sister. Anna was delighted to think she has a brother in Ghana who wants to be a doctor no less. But look here. There was an attachment to my letter. A letter to Anna from Emma. The second line reads "Thank you for your prayers."

Anna was thrilled that he wrote her name on this. She is still learning to write her letters but recognized her name immediately. It really touched my heart that he wrote to her, that he would even think to.

Then, I got this one dated 6/2 which took five weeks to arrive too.

There are so many things that touch my heart in this one. Calling him "Your boy" is quite special but I admire what he is being taught immensely. His hopes and dreams are to become a God fearing and responsible adult. How would you like your child to tell you that? It is so incredible to pair up with the staff of this project in instilling this sense of accountability so early in life. The first two letters were written by the same social worker on a Saturday. The third was writing by a different person and on a Tuesday. Usually, African children go to their projects on Saturdays but it looks like Emma may come to the project after school too.......possibly to wait for his mom?

I love how he specifically says hi to all my kids and also to "daddy Mark." He thinks of us as family. You know, there would be a lot less problems in the world if we taught our children that everyone is our family. It is not that far off a concept either. It is true. We all have one earthly line to draw back to, Adam. We are all family. That is the whole basis Jesus left us to live by. Acknowledge God as Creator and Father, Jesus as Lord and love your neighbor as a brother. I am so impressed with what this church in Ghana is doing and I wonder why so simple a concept is not being taught regularly in the US. Certainly, it IS being taught here and Emma is helping teach us all.

This is the first letter where it is written that Emma loves us and it is certainly bursting with love on so many levels. But most priceless is the picture which is on the back.

Emma drew a house "for Anna." (the writing was cut off near the bottom)

We picked this up yesterday and she was so excited that she came home and drew him a house and put stickers all over it. We will send it soon.

Her capacity to love a "brother" she has never met is breathtaking. It looks like Emma might have the same kind of love inside him as well. God is SO good to us and He is certainly blessing Anna using Emma.

When I decided to sponsor children with Compassion, I knew God's hand was in the decision. I am still torn because I cannot personally help them all but I am not in denial over the fact that I am helping this one. Emmanuel. Not to mention a few more. But Emmanuel is on my heart today because he has reached across continents and oceans to show love to Anna. And he is helping my heart in ways he may never know or understand. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to be Your Hands and Feet and for the multitude of spiritual blessings that have already come out of it.

Timing

This past Father's Day fell on the 2nd anniversary of Samuel's relapse. I realized as the day approached that he relapsed just after Father's Day in 2007 and he died just before Mother's Day in 2008. That means that there will come a day when his Heavenly Birthday will fall on Mother's Day as well. Time does strange things to you when you are trying to cope with tragedy. Right after Samuel's death, painstakingly writing every detail of the sorrow was healing. But I have noticed that in the last few months, actually NOT acknowledging certain woes has helped more. It is as if not giving words to the dates causes those dates to lose their power. In reverse, dwelling over the woe and giving it words seems to bring it back to life in a painful way. Of course, now that the day has passed, the sorrow of it has no hold on the words I write now. Interesting, eh? The devil is constantly trying to bring me down by playing all these games with dates, dreams and other nonsense and instead of being sucked in, I just refuse to play into it at all. Seems to be working.

So, I gave the day no words of sorrow, remembrance, or regret but I would be lying if I said I didn't give it some thought. Not a lot, but some. Mostly to think about how I was glad I will never have to relive it.

Monday came and I was reminded again that my Heavenly Father is always watching, always listening, and always knows what I need even if I put no words into the universe at the time. In the mail that day, I received my first letter from Samuel, my Compassion child, in Ghana. Now, when I found him on the same page as Esther and read his short bio, I knew God put him on there for me. So, to say that I have been waiting patiently for a note from him is untrue. I have been nothing short of excited to get to know this little Samuel. To receive his first letter the day after the anniversary was definitely God's timing.

Samuel is eight years old, lives with both parents and there are four other siblings in addition to him. The estimated income for families in the region where Samuel lives is approximately $24 USD a month. The nearest city to Samuel is Accra and I understand that the cost of renting a simple apartment there is $300-400 a month so the family's $24 a month does not go very far for a family of seven. Samuel lives about 15 miles out of Accra and a great need in his area is roads. To compare, the letter I received from Esther took about two weeks to reach me and she lives about six miles out of Accra. Samuel's letter was dated 5/16/09 and it took five weeks to arrive. There is obviously a big difference in just a few miles travel here.



Because of Compassion, Samuel receives regular medical care with well checks twice yearly. He receives a hot meal every Saturday with extra food to bring home to his family. He receives tuition for school and appropriate clothing as necessary. He will receive help with homework if needed as well as mentoring. Each child sets goals, writes them out and follows a plan to achieve them. He is afforded the opportunity to learn extracurricular things such as drama, dance, singing, money management, and vocational skills . Social skills with Biblical foundations are taught and Samuel's spiritual needs are addressed as well. Each Compassion project is run by local churches and the children are encouraged to attend the same church as their project if they do not already have a home church. The benefits don't just affect the sponsored child, but also their family with whom they come home and share what they have learned as well as the food they have received for the week. The love of God trickles down into the families starting with the sponsored child. The project leaders often visit the families of sponsored children to support their needs and educate them as needed as well. It is amazing to think that the small monthly support can do so much but that is where you have to remember that Jesus took a few loaves and a few fish and fed thousands. It is only because of God that this $ can do what it does. I cannot tell you how blessed I am to be a small part of it. I heard a radio commercial the other day asking if your investments are keeping you up at night (because so many have lost money in stocks) and I laughed. My investments bring me joy, blessings and favor with the Lord. The benefits I have received have been far greater than any stock market can offer.

Anyway, back to Samuel's letter. Gosh, it took a long time to get here and yet the timing was perfect. First off, Samuel wrote it himself and drew me lots of pictures on the back of it. His handwriting is really cute and I think better than Daniel's. Okay Anna's is better than Daniel's so that isn't saying much is it? Anyway he writes and thanks me for choosing him and tells me he is so happy. I love this wording, "I am a boy of 8 years old." His favorite subject is Math and Computer. (His bio says he is in 3rd grade and is "above average" in his studies.) He likes football (soccer) and get this......he also likes carrying water and washing his clothes. (dare to dream!) I bet his mother is happy for the cheerful help. He hadn't received a letter from me yet because he closes asking me to please tell him about myself and that he will always pray for me. It is signed "from your child, Samuel." They are all signed that way of course but it was precious anyway. "My" Samuel is fine. My job of raising him and most importantly getting him to Heaven is done. God chose me to be a part of someone else's Samuel's life now and you know what? It makes me very happy. He is adorable and for an eight year old, he writes pretty darn good too.


Compassion's Child Sponsorship Program goal is to keep Samuel in this program until he graduates high school. It is because of Compassion that he will even get to go to high school. If he continues to excel above average, they have a graduate program called Leadership Development Program which helps put them through University. If Samuel were accepted to that program, I would still have the opportunity to help him financially. When the child leaves the Compassion program entirely, if both sponsor and child agree, contact info is exchanged and you can continue to be a part of your child's life. While the child is in the Compassion Project, Compassion handles all correspondence for security reasons. The most fundamental part of Compassion is letter writing between sponsor and child. This is so important and they take great pains to be sure that letters are received promptly, written properly by the child, translated if necessary and mailed back. When a child receives a letter from their sponsor, if they cannot read, the letter will be read to them. The letter is then taken home and read to the family as well. If the family is unable to read, someone from the project will read it to the parents. It is a BIG deal. This is an interesting article about the letter writing process in Ghana. Compassion is not just about money. It is about building Godly relationships and I believe this is why God is blessing and multiplying the contributions to this charity.

Monday night as I was finishing up my ride with Bud (same day I got dumped) I was thinking about timing. Two years ago on the day, I was preparing for the battle that would define the rest of my life. I was preparing against the death of my son. Not for it. And death happened anyway. I couldn't help but shed a few tears into Bud's mane over how much has changed in two year's time. How did we do all that we did? How did we ever sit by and watch him die? How did we survive this emotionally? How is it that we go on? How is it possible that I can be out riding my horse carefree on this day? I think we all know the answer to all of the above. Because we know Jesus. Because we know Samuel lives. Because we know our treasure is not in the seen, but in the unseen. It is always joy mixed with sorrow here. I long for the day when the joy is pure and the sorrow of it all doesn't matter anymore.

But for now, in those moments when I do allow the sorrow to sneak in, it is with the knowledge that God's timing is just that. His. I don't understand it other than to trust that it all works out for the best in the end. I just don't see the picture clearly yet. He has graciously allowed me to see little parts of it here and there and they have been glorious. He has offered me opportunities for spiritual healing so that I can live and I can go on here, and I have graciously taken them. I have graciously allowed Him to bless me and restore my joy in the midst of what should be utter sorrow and defeat.

I miss "my" Samuel. Everyday in every way. Yet, when I look around here at us living carefree (and I say carefree because in comparison to how we lived when he was here, it is) I just cannot imagine how he would fit in. There was never a carefree moment in his life that I can remember. So the "carefree" Samuel will be something to look forward to. He was a blast while he was here. Just imagine how fun he will be without all the broken body parts. It is hard to wrap my mind around. It was quite nice to receive a letter from Samuel in Ghana telling me what food he likes. He can eat. I play a small part in him being able to eat enough and be healthy. That helps heal my soul in ways you will never imagine.

I took Anna up to bed last night, just like any other night, tucked her in, and listened to her prayers. She sat up to tell me she loved me and at the same time, grabbed my face to kiss it. And in that millisecond, I saw Samuel. As if it was him doing it, not her. I tried to compose myself. It was him. I let myself get caught up in that moment just outside her door. It was him. I saw his face just for an instant grabbing my face and kissing it. It reminded me of his last days here and most especially that very last hug where he grabbed me and squeezed me the tightest I have ever been squeezed. It was like that, only with a kiss and an I love you instead of an I need you. I went to bed last night thanking God for this moment but still wanting more. (Of course) As it ended up, I dreamt of playing with Samuel all night. Running, joking, kissing and hugging. And he wasn't sick. And he wasn't dying.

It is gifts like that that keep me going and trusting God's timing.

Shunts and Stomas and Surgeries, Oh My!

Kaysha and Daniel's SAT scores are back. Wow! Kaysha took the 6th grade level test and most of her scores were high school grade equivalent. Needless to say, this is her best year ever. I always look at her math scores the closest because this is her weakest area overall. She averaged 8th grade there. Since we schooled basically all the past year, she is going to take the summer off from formal schooling and just do a lot of reading. This will be good for her.

Daniel's scores were a bit more average. He took the 4th grade test and scored pretty much within the grade level or a couple above. His weakest subject remains Language Arts year after year. His strongest is Math. He is going to also spend the summer reading but will also be working on Language Arts. I have changed his curriculum here several times trying to find something that works for him and we just received a brand new system right before the testing that I am excited about. So, much to his dismay, he will be working on that all summer.

Since the weather has warmed up and the rain has mostly stopped, the big kids spend endless hours down at the creek. The same creek we always took Samuel to play. The same creek where Anna was throwing rocks and accidentally hit Samuel in the side of the head right after we found out he relapsed. The bruise lasted forever and we have this shining moment on video. In it, Mark asks the kids if they want to go throw rocks in the creek and they all of course do. When we watched it, Mark heard himself ask this and said, "No, don't go throw rocks.......bad idea." This is the same creek that flooded the whole neighborhood last winter. We have lived here over nine years now and the big kids are finally able to enjoy the freedom of going there by themselves. Well, not exactly by themselves. There is a huge group of kids the run with these days and for the most part, they all get along really well. Daniel has a lot of friends which is a huge difference from last year where he had one. He still battles shyness but if swimming is involved, he will put himself out to be included. There are only two girls in the neighborhood that are Kaysha's age. Both go to school and of course, don't like each other. Kaysha is the type of girl who will give anyone a chance, usually likes everyone and especially enjoys little kids so it is hard for her to wrap her mind around cliques. I explained to her the reasoning behind one girl not liking the other and what going to school was like when you had an obvious handicap. It was a foreign concept to her that someone would just look at you and base being your friend on appearance. In the case in our neighborhood, there is the cute thin popular girl with lots of friends and the direct opposite; the heavy goth girl with thick glasses and few friends. Ever since meeting the less popular girl, Jocelyn, Kaysha normally runs with her. She spends endless hours at our house and we all enjoy her presence. I cannot say the same about the other girl. We had invited Jocelyn to church with us last weekend but then we took the flu detour so that did not quite work out. Hopefully, she can come this weekend. (YES!!!!!)

It is Jocelyn who consistently asks about Samuel. She is the one who asked about his pictures and just this week, asked where his room was. Kaysha told me she asks about him a lot. She wanted to know what he was like and what he liked to do. It is surreal in a lot of ways. It has been a good thing in that previously, Kaysha never really talked about Samuel at all. It has been as if she just ignored the fact that he is no longer here. A few weeks ago, we were sending pictures to Esther in Ghana and she wrote that Samuel was seven now. As if he moved away. And I guess that is exactly the way it is, just interesting how they process. I suggested that she show Jocelyn Samuel's baby book and maybe some of his videos. She plans to soon. Everyone has been dragging his baby book around lately. Anna showed it to her friend just yesterday and everyone agreed that Samuel was the cutest baby ever. Kaysha wants to have a baby boy that looks just like Samuel. Daniel's friends have come in and mistook Samuel's pictures as being Daniel. And then Daniel came and asked me how old Samuel is now. Not was. Not would be. Is.

And speaking of the baby book, there are a few pictures in there of Samuel's shunt when he was still shaved and the stitching was new. Also, of his stoma with no bag. Anna asked me about these. She wanted to know what happened to his head to which I replied, "Remember when you played dinos and he was the three horn and always hit you with his horn? Well, that was how the horn got there."

And look at how happy he is!!!!!

That was a sufficient enough answer for now. I am certain we will revisit it in the future. Then she asked me about his stoma and what that was. That answer was a little more difficult since she doesn't understand the parts of the gut and why one would be sticking out.

So I told her that the stoma was like his butt and he pooped from there into a bag. She said, "Well, his butthole is in the wrong place." I laughed and said, "It sure was." She doesn't remember the stoma at all. I then showed her the picture of the surgery and scar where they put it back inside and told her that this was where they put his butthole back in the right place. That ended that conversation although the "wish we had never done that" thoughts raged around in my mind.

In other news, I received word this week that I am officially part of Compassion International as a Child Advocate. I now represent this ministry. Child Advocate seems a natural title for me given the last several years of my life. The interview process took several weeks and one of the things I was asked to share was my testimony. That is a strange question to be asked given I have known the Lord my entire life vs. spent most of my life rejecting Him until some climactic moment where I accepted Him. I have walked with the Lord for all the days I can remember. Sure there were varying degrees of obedience and fruit from the labor, but He was always there and I knew it. I shared a brief synopsis of my life culminating with the events of Samuel's life and death. I have walked through the pits of hell where most people would give up on God. Most would ask, "How can a loving God allow all this suffering?" Most would be so angry with the way things turned out that they would not even want to hear God's name mentioned alongside loving kindness, mercy, grace or love. My testimony is that I am not most people. I am chasing the Lord with all my heart, all my soul and all my being. My life is more about loving the Lord and serving Him now more than ever. I know who the enemy is. I know where Samuel is. I have come to the place in my life where I am willingly surrendering MY will for what I thought my life was going to be about and allowing God to lead me into what His will for my life has always been. In all my wanderings here on earth, I represent Jesus Christ. I don't want to let Him down. I have never been more serious about the commitment.

I have lately been praying that God open the eyes of my Heart to see things the way He sees them and then show me how I can help. Little by little, He has allowed me to see things around me. Things in the neighborhood. Things in the spirits of others. You know what? It is breaking my heart seeing the way people treat their kids, each other, and take for granted all their God given gifts. It hurts to see people with so much potential wasting their lives. I actually asked Him to give me a break from "seeing" because things were so sad. Day after day, life goes on, people do whatever they please, and they constantly break God's heart with their actions, their words, and how they treat others. That behavior stops at the doorpost of my household. It is not coming into my house. If it sneaks in, it is quickly reminded of the rules. Like it or leave.

With that said, if you are feeling overwhelmed by the condition of the world, don't allow that to be a reason for inactivity. Start by straightening up the atmosphere in your heart, then in your home. From there let that change spill out into your daily contacts and into your neighborhood. One touch from God can change a life and He will use you to touch people if you allow Him to. Let God take your life and lead you where He wants you to make a difference. One thing I can tell you for sure: He will. But I also know that true change begins with you, in your heart. I have spent the last year allowing God to work on mine and He is far from finished. It is a painful process but the rewards are worth the work.

The Lord honored my request for a break I just realized. We have all been stir crazy ready to take a trip and get out of this house for awhile. Our little day trip around the mountain was nice and all but we were mainly stuck in the van the whole time. Things have come up seemingly every weekend that have stopped us from getting away....until now. The kids pretty much want to swim wherever we go while Mark and I want to hike. Mark suggested we go to the beach for a day and then trek over to the Hoh Rainforest for a day hike. You might remember we went to the Hoh in 2005 for Samuel's birthday. This is the trip I always refer to when I think of how well he did and felt with the ostomy. He was the little trailsman leading everyone on the gorgeous trail. Unfortunately, storm damage has closed this area for years after we had been there and there was no place to stay unless you liked tenting it (which I don't) or had an RV which we didn't until last year. I did a quick search to find trail conditions and found this. The store was always there but the website wasn't and I don't know if the RV park was either. It is perfect. 20 miles from the ocean shore and about 15 minutes drive to the Hoh trails. So, we are going.

I have been to the Hoh twice in my life. The first on a spring trip with some college friends. We were not able to stay very long and I always wanted to come back and spend some quality time there. The second was with Mark and the kids. We weren't able to stay long that time either. Anna was just a year old and Samuel had many medical needs which meant day trips were short. We also did not have the "Backus Bus" (van) then either so traveling was very difficult. Today, it is a snap. This place is gorgeous! You can drive all over Western WA and it pretty much looks like the same place anywhere you go. But when you drive off the hiway into the Rainforest entrance, it is like you entered another world. And let me tell you, I need to "go to another world" to refresh my spirit. This is probably my favorite place on earth, next to the beach. Being very close to the beach is simply a bonus. So, we are going next week. Not for a day. Not for two days, but for several so I will actually finally have time to explore and enjoy it. Mark is certain Samuel will come along with us and I am sure he will too. Lately the lights flash in nearly every room I walk into and there is still no reason for it unless I give off an electrical charge I am unaware of. We are all very excited to go but probably no one more than I. Of course, I wish Samuel could really go, you know with a body we can see and a laugh that echoes miles away. I wish he could lead us down all the trails and jump and play in the water. I pray that I will feel his presence close to me there the way I felt him so strongly at the beginning of April. Then I know sorrow will not infiltrate our trek there. At any rate, God obviously had His hand in me finding this now, at the exact time I was ready for it, so I know there will be "treasure" there. I cannot wait to find it.

Hoh Rainforest 2005

A Letter from Esther in Ghana

After a crappy weekend (literally--more on that later) we took a walk to the post office this morning to pick up the mail. It has been sitting down there about a week. I was shocked when I found that mixed in this enormous pile of mainly junk, was a letter from Esther.

You may remember this post, where I introduced you to Compassion International and to my sponsored kids. After researching this charity for some time, I chose Esther as my first child to sponsor. I found her by plugging in Samuel's birthday. She shares it. I chose her so I could honor his day. That, and an Esther was his favorite RN so it just seemed fitting.


Esther lives with her parents and has three other siblings. Her parents are both occasionally employed and make an average of $44USD a month. Esther just had her 10th birthday, is in 4th grade and told me her favorite subject is Math.


Sponsors are encouraged to write to their child often as it is so important to establish a connection. In many cases, you are their only lifeline and voice of hope. Sometimes you are the only one who tells your child that you love them. Anyway, sponsors are told it can take anywhere from several weeks to months to begin hearing from your sponsored child. So, while I have written several letters to Esther, sent her pictures of us, and several other special things, I never expected to hear from her this soon.

Ghana is one of the only African countries Compassion works in where English is the primary spoken language. I did not know that when I picked her so that was just a bonus. If you write to a child who speaks a language other than your native tongue, a translator will translate it for you, and then translate theirs back to your language. So it can take some time for all this to transpire. Esther lives in a coastal community where there are three other tribal languages spoken so I wasn't sure what to expect from her. I certainly wasn't expecting anything yet. I could tell you what it said but I just want you to see it instead.






This is dated the 9th of May....the day after Samuel's Heavenly Birthday. She would have sent this before ever getting a formal letter from me. I had only just become her sponsor at the end of April. All she knew when she wrote this is that she had a sponsor named Jennifer Backus. And it seems she is pretty happy about it! How cool is that! Totally made my day!

So, it took two weeks from the date of this letter to get to the US from Africa and an additional week for me to receive it. It was here last week actually, but no one picked up the mail. Guess I will walk down there a little more often now.

God's Hands and Feet

"God's hands and feet." This phrase has been echoing in my head for awhile now. It started the moment I began to thank God for allowing "me" to take care of Samuel and to be the one who found the things that helped him. Previously, I looked back at the incredible struggles feeling annoyed that God allowed certain instances go on for so long. In 2004 when it all began, I prayed for God to lead us to MD's who could help and would truly care for Samuel. As you know, they were few and far between. In four years of medical saga, I found that much of this establishment is riddled with corruption and it is much more about business than "healthcare.." It still shocks me to think of the many MD's, not to mention bureaucracy with whom we pleaded for compassion, yet they could have cared less about whether Samuel lived or died. When it became obvious that people were continually failing us or simply ignoring us, my prayer changed to ask God to show me how to help Samuel. That is when my prayers started getting somewhere. In looking back at it all, I see clearly how God honored my heart and my compassion for my own son. I see now that He did not allow the many MD's whose motives toward us were not pure to help. These people share none of the Glory of any of Samuel's miracles. They have no part in the moments of unspeakable joy that we had when Samuel was doing well as a result of my efforts. Those were my moments. Those were God honoring me.

There were so many moments in Samuel's sufferings that felt "third world" and from the end of March onward, I certainly relived many of them. I say "third world" because there was no one else who knew how to help so it was all on me. Many times where his pain or amount of physical problems were so unbelievable to even us who looked at them daily. How could things get so out of control when we supposedly have such good medical care here in the US?

I often felt deceived by modern medicine because what happened to Samuel's body seemed like it should have NEVER happened in such an advanced nation and often times the "fix" was so simple. Simple, yet no MD thought of it. Of course December of 2007 stands out because Samuel was dying, literally at death's door, and then a few simple herbs reversed it all. Every day he woke up miserable, I told him first thing in the morning for a week or more that "Mama is going to do everything God shows me to do to make you better. I promise, baby. You will feel better." Then I hit my knees and begged God to just heal him because I was out of options. I didn't have a clue what to do and felt I had already tried everything. What was wrong with Samuel at that point was beyond anything I had encountered and I had been trying things for weeks to no avail. He was in worse physical shape in December than he was in April and May of 2008, and that is saying something considering he died in May. In the eight days of May, he got stronger, not weaker. I just realized that this morning when I was thinking back. And yet several of the worst days passed where I promised Samuel he would get better and it never came to pass. It was horrible and my insides were literally screaming in dismay that I was lying to Samuel telling him I could help him yet he was dying. He should have died. Of course, everyone else had written him off at that point. But then came a breakthrough all by seemingly co-incidence. Samuel improved immediately with the simple herbs and he then knew his Mama kept her promise. That moment was a gift. God gave me that gift; a gift which no man can give and no man can take away. All those prayers I offered up to Him were answered but not in the way I expected. I expected Him to just DO what I asked and fix whatever was wrong with Samuel Himself but instead, He allowed me to be His hands and feet. He allowed me to keep that promise. Because that promise was kept, Samuel got better. Amazingly better. Better enough to have three glorious months of joy. Because that promise was kept, Samuel drew me this picture "to thank me for helping him get better." I now wear the evidence that that promise was kept around my neck.

Having the Lord reveal so many of these awful moments in His perspective makes me all the more thankful to Him for the role I played in it. On a spiritual level, I have nothing but joy, awe and gratitude in retrospect. I am certain that once I am with Samuel again, all we will remember is the amazing parts of his life here and how God knit it all together in such miraculous ways. But since I am still living on earth, I cannot forget the suffering. Mark and I agree, the worst thing was starvation; especially in December 2007. It didn't matter that his gut wasn't working. It didn't matter that leukemia was in the picture. What mattered was that even though we were feeding him, his body was starving. I dug and dug and dug for information on how to feed a child who has starved for a long period of time. I found a very helpful medical site that was part of a text specifically prepared for Africa. It gave a very detailed protocol for tube feeding children who have starved for so long that they no longer even feel hungry. It outlined all the physical issues and treatments associated with digestion starting again after it has been stifled for months. A lot of it was familiar to me as we had already went through this in 2004 when trying to get Samuel off TPN and back on NG feeds. He could not tolerate even 5ml or 1 tsp. of liquid given over an hours time. He threw up. It took weeks, patience, anti-nausea meds, motility meds and lots of towels to clean puke to get only half way back to normal. Of course, none of this worked for Samuel because we weren't dealing with a normal GI tract and at that point, I didn't know about the leaky gut. At any rate, here I had to find "third world" medical instructions and that was heartbreaking. Heartbreaking because not only did I have to deal with this in my own home, but also because starvation is a reality for families worldwide. At least I had options. The scanty medical care Samuel received was certainly better than none. The Internet has "how to" galore, all you have to do is sift through it. Samuel's "maintenance" medical costs which I paid out of pocket were not cheap, but we had options. I really took a step back when I read that medical text and thought of the many families who don't have options. Starvation is a horrible, painful, hideous way to die. It is a stupid reason to die. Malnourishment isn't much better in that it opens the door for all kinds of diseases. I know first hand.

Shortly after Samuel died, several churches raised money in his honor and asked where I would have them donate. My answer, "Feed the hungry. There wasn't anything worse than watching Samuel starve. Nothing worse than having him beg for food and tell him he couldn't eat. Nothing worse than hearing him sob over it." And it didn't matter that we had food. It didn't matter that we fed him. His body never received it past a certain point in April. His body looked no different than the malnourished in third world countries. He starved to death and died the same way many children die worldwide. Those memories break me. 1/3 of the inhabitants of the earth are starving to death.

I have spent months trying to determine what I might do with my time for the Kingdom, for the One who helped me keep my promise, for Jesus who prepared a place for Samuel and rescued him from that broken body. If you have been a follower of Christ for even a short amount of time, you have most certainly been told that "God has a plan for your life." What exactly does that mean? Does it mean you have a perfect childhood, get a good paying job, drive a sports car, live in a mansion and have money coming out your ears? I know certain evangelists who will tell you this is true. If you take the time to search out scripture, you will find that when Jesus walked the earth, He didn't hand out "perfect lives." Proverbs 30:8-10 says Give me neither poverty nor riches— Feed me with the food allotted to me; Lest I be full and deny Yo u and say, “Who is the LORD?” Or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God. In Matthew 19:24 Jesus says, "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." Jesus knew that the "rich" have a difficult time "finding God" because they believe that great wealth means their soul is rich. He sums this up again in Revelation 3:17 where He says "You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked." Anyone who tells you God's plan is for you to have an abundance of material things hasn't read their Bible. As Solomon says, it is best to be somewhere between rich and poor as far as material wealth goes.

God's plan for you is the same one Jesus gave His disciples.

The Great Commission Matthew 28: 16-20
Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him. Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Make disciples of Jesus Christ in all the nations. Keep the commandments. That is the plan. Now we just need to figure out how to integrate that into our daily 9-5. 1 Corinthians 12 gives detailed illustration to the fact that Christ is the head of the Church and followers of Christ are the body. We are the body yet we all may have different functions in it. The trick is to find what the function is and then do it. Remember, "God's hands and feet." This is our privilege. Unspeakable joy enters in when you find your function in the body and do it. I was raised thinking I had to get a good education so I could get a good job. As a child, it is pounded into your mind. But who do we really work for? 1 Corinthians 10:31 says So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. I work for the King. This is what I am going to "pound" into my kids heads. Education and jobs are great and again, that is our privilege given by God. But the ultimate goal in everything should be for the Glory of God. Impacting the Kingdom. Where do you start? Start with what is in your hand. Everyone has God given talent. Everyone has a God given longing. God made us to serve Him so when you find your niche, it should be a joyous occasion. You should "know" it when you find it.

Sometime in April, I became aware of Compassion International through Angie Smith's blog. I have "known" Angie for just over a year now though we have never met. At first I just skimmed through the Compassion site not really having much of an opinion either way. The Lord kept drawing me back to it. So I started reading through the "real" stories of children and families who are helped. I dug deeper and contacted some people personally who are involved in Compassion's outreach and was further intrigued. We all know we are supposed to "help the poor" but do you really know what the Bible says about the poor and how we are supposed to help? Psalm 82:3 says Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Proverbs 22:2 says the Rich and poor have this in common: The LORD is the Maker of them all. Deuteronomy 15:11 says There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land. Is the Lord shocked by poverty? No. He is responsible for both. Chew on that for awhile. James 2:5 says Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? This verse says "poor" have a very special anointing of faith on them. Chew on that. I know a bit about special anointings because Samuel had one.

The Torah (Genesis-Deuteronomy) explains God's plan for the poor in great depth and it's not welfare. God's plan is to get them working to get themselves out of poverty. Of course, immediate family should always take care of them first without repayment. The person is still required to work and contribute to the family, however. If family is not available or able, then the poor can sell himself into slavery to another. Slavery here isn't what you imagine slavery to be however. Slaves had to be taken especially good care of right down to the most minute detail. If the slave did not have a pillow to sleep on, the master had to give the slave his. They were often treated better than family. A person could only be a slave for six years and in the seventh year was set free with tons of resources to make it on his own. Special rules were in effect for farmers to harvest only the inner parts of their fields leaving the outermost borders for the poor to take freely. Provisions were made for the poor when it came time for sacrifice or offerings as well; sort of a sliding fee scale type thing. In short, they were not to be ignored, exploited or taken advantage of. Mercy and grace must always abound and if you knew about a person who was poor, you were supposed to help them get out from under their poverty. Proverbs 28:27 says He who gives to the poor will lack nothing, but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses.

So many people closed their eyes to Samuel's life and sufferings here. They knew it and yet they ignored us. I will never forget how that felt as long as I live. I have never been the kind of person who would walk past someone I could help. I have seen third world suffering first hand and if I could help someone miss out on it entirely, I would.

As I continued to search out Compassion, I realized that they are helping the poor very much in line with Torah teachings. It is not just welfare assistance creating dependency; it is a whole host of life-sustaining and life-changing skills that gives the children hope and a way out of poverty. They are changing lives, not just throwing money at people. They are helping the poor keep their dignity by keeping families together and helping to stamp out the desperate measures some may take to survive. They are helping children have a "childhood" which is something Samuel never had.

Compassion follows Torah because it is centered around building the relationship. Children who enter the Compassion programs are often enrolled as young as four and "graduate" between the ages of 18-22 depending on the country. You can be their sponsor for over a decade in many cases. You are not anonymous, the child you sponsor will know who you are and will exchange letters with you. In many instances, the sponsor becomes the lifeline to hope for the child. While you may sponsor the child, their whole family is affected because of you. And you have the option to give additional financial gifts or visit your child in their country.

My "formal" education is in Accounting and there are a number of economical reasons why the small monthly gift helps these children. If you give $32 a month to a family whose income is $11 a month, even though in our economy in the US, it isn't much, for them it is a significant raise. Obviously these people don't have house payments or car payments to meet. Nor to they have telephone, or Internet. Compassion is their only lifeline. They are throwing themselves out there and praying that someone in the world will notice and care. Often the families are farmers who grow and trade for their living. They have very limited resources so you gift helps with medical care, clothing, tuition, job training, etc. Compassion has special programs in which you can financially give more and a lot of people do. They give you very specific info on the child's economic circumstances and also tell you which months are hardest for hunger and disease.

Helping to meet some one's basic needs is an important step in their well-being. But as I have learned from Samuel, your whole body can be completely ruined and you can live in a 10x10 room for months, but if you know Jesus, that changes everything. You can find joy in the little things. Life is built upon love and not on materialism. So many of the children being reached through this program have nothing in the realm of "stuff" but have the Joy of the Lord which no man can buy or sell. It is God given. I want to help that happen. I realized last month that Samuel's life has given me a heart for people in third world countries who need us as much as we need them.

I felt the Lord tugging at my heart and I knew He was calling me to this I started looking through the pictures of children waiting for sponsors but I couldn't figure out how to even pick because there are so many. I decided to plug in Samuel's birthday to see if there was a child I could sponsor and there was only one: Esther in Ghana. Fitting. She is in Africa and Samuel's favorite RN was an Esther. My children and I fell in love with this Esther immediately. And in the same country, on the same page, I found a Samuel. I took that as a confirmation. My Samuel doesn't need my help anymore but I could help someone else's Samuel and I cannot tell you why but that thrills me no end. We loved him immediately too (Their pictures are in my side bar.) . But then I began to have a big problem. I wanted to help all the kids. Mark came home and asked me if I was sponsoring ten more but I knew I couldn't. I still wanted to. Well, God showed me how I could help them more. So, I decided to become a Compassion Advocate in addition to sponsoring children. I cannot close my eyes to them.

When I first started looking into Compassion, it seemed like such a little thing. But it has brought me great joy. Anna prays so sweetly for these children and she loves them even though she may never meet them on earth. It is a good learning experience for them as well: geography, economics, culture, etc. I want my children to realize that they are blessed. I want them to realize that all the stuff of this world is worthless compared to the joy of helping another human being. I want them to appreciate what they have but always be willing to give. I want to work to make a "Giving" not a living and I want to teach them to do the same.

Why does God allow poverty? Why does He allow disease? So we could learn about His compassion. So we will act with compassion as our second nature. Jesus was often moved by compassion in His walk on earth and all He asked in return was for people to believe in Him. If someone on earth has a need, God created someone else to meet it. Everything has an opposite. God made the rich to bless the poor; to be His hands and feet. Each has a gift to offer the other and I think God knew that if His commandments were followed, that the rich and poor would then bless each other and meet somewhere in the middle.

If the Lord leads you to sponsor a child with Compassion, please make my day......let me know. If you are looking for a well thought out Bible compliant charity who makes good use of funds, Compassion International is one of them. Perhaps you are called to do something else for the Kingdom. God knows you won't have to look very far to find someone who needs God's hands and feet to come near them. Instead of asking God to "fix" everything for us and just watch from the sidelines, let's ask Him how we can be His hands and feet and teach other to do the same. God gave US dominion over the earth to carry out His plans and we need to take it back by sharing Jesus, making disciples, and following His commandments.