Advice on Cancer Treatment

I've recently "met" a family online whose two year old child was diagnosed with leukemia earlier this year.  After suffering some unpredicted side effects of chemo that led to numerous surgeries to correct the issue (that still remains an issue), the family has decided to discontinue chemo and pursue Chinese medicine as the primary cancer treatment for their child.  (Yeah!!!)   Thankfully, they live in a country that doesn't force poison treatments if the family refuses.  However, because chemotherapy is still considered the only "cure" for cancer, they have found they don't have much support for their decision so I'm grateful that they found me (and they are too) since refusing chemo, in the eyes of most, is regarded as choosing to voluntarily allow your child to die. 

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

"Just save his life.  Worry about the consequences later."  This was the advice given to me by my dad AFTER Samuel survived all the initial complications of chemo and we were agonizing over how to proceed "treating" his leukemia without killing him or doing more damage to his fragile body.   My dad's advice is the advice of the majority and we heard it often.   "Cure" the cancer and worry about the consequences of that cure down the road.  The thing was, the consequences for Samuel, unlike the majority of kids getting chemo, were already upon us and they were devastating.  They weren't saved for five to ten years down the road and on top of that, we had little help managing them because they were simply unheard of.    Yet, we were still asked by our "caregivers"  if it was fair to Samuel to go through all those miserable side effects that nearly killed him and then NOT treat his cancer leaving him a "ticking time bomb for relapse."  As if cancer was somehow worse than the horrible consequences of "the cure for cancer" he would have to live with the rest of his life.  (The consequences that consequently ended up costing him his life.)

These people absolutely refused to recognize what was right in front of them; chemo is poison and our child's body was having a normal reaction to poison. It was being destroyed. It was dying. Not being "cured." Maybe other children were doing okay (and I use "okay" here loosely) and perhaps other children will be "cured" *(meaning live five years beyond their diagnosis date 2-3.5 years of which would be "lived" undergoing chemo), but the fact remains that that child will suffer many long-term consequences from treatment, one of which is that they will be much more prone to cancer, until the day they die.

So our question back to these people was, was it fair to put him through the now known torture of chemo given the horrors he had already endured, and the far worse things that were sure to happen to him if we continued, with no guarantee of a life long cure?  Was living with cancer really so much worse than the supposed cure?  The answer to these questions was rhetorical at that time.  I continually battled doctors who were willing to ignore or play down every visible side effect from chemo Samuel suffered in order to justify continued poisoning.

Cancer, as well as any other devastating long term illness or physical handicap, does one thing especially well; it reveals the motivations that reside deepest, not only in your heart, but in the hearts of those who surround you.   In Luke 6:45, Jesus says, "The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart."   Jesus warned us to speak carefully, Matthew 12:37, "For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” As more and more time elapses, I see the underlying motivations of the thinking and advice of all parties (us included) much clearer.   Considering that we live in a Biblically illiterate, self-fulfilling, godless world, it is no great revelation that the majority of advice we received was rooted in pride.  What has become of "do unto others" or "love your brother as yourself." (Luke 6:31 Luke 10:27)  The Golden Rule has become a foreign concept and one which sadly, the few who still cling to it, are scoffed at for.

"Cure his cancer," was spoken as if WE or THEY had the power to cure it. (we saw how well that worked out) As if chemo was Samuel's only hope for life. Please.....poison was his only hope? How do people still not see the err in this? I find all this sickening today for a variety of reasons that can all be summed up as follows; only God can cure cancer and only God controls who lives or dies.  We do not "own" and thus have little control over the destiny of our lives or our children's lives. God rules.  We do not.  It really doesn't get any more simple than that yet very few want to admit reality.  Ever wonder why that is? (Hint: Genesis 3:5)  I wonder if there'd be less cancer if we could just figure this out and live like it.

"Worry about the consequences later." While I knew "cure his cancer" was wrong when I heard it spoken, the deeply-seeded error wasn't as obvious to me initially as the error in second part of this advice was.  This statement has got to be one of the most selfish things you could say in regard to someone elses body.  As someone who has been legally blind since birth, I've experienced first hand how easy it is for people to dismiss the reality, severity and complexity of my handicap because it does not directly affect them and it was nothing compared to what Samuel was facing.  It was this statement that not only deeply angered me, but also fully awakened me to how I needed to make decisions as well as participate in Samuel's care.  I know God overlooked many of my mistakes in Christianity (love covers a multitude of sins 1 Peter 4:8) during that time because I chose to listen and obey the still small voice in my heart that cried out for compassion, empathy and quality of life for Samuel vs. listening to the doctors who cried out for poison, poison and more poison. (and some even implied I was a bad mother for choosing quality of life vs. "cure" and boy do I have a scripture for them.  James 4:17, It is sin to know what you ought to do and still not do it.  In the end we all have to answer to God.  How many easily dismiss that truth?)  As we all know, pride goes before a fall and God did not disappoint. (Proverbs 16:18)  How many times did God allow our "caregivers" to remain confounded and useless while He led us to the solutions for Samuel's many problems. (1 Corinthians 1:20-27)  You know, little things like getting his leukemia in remission without any chemo...

I don't write these things to puff myself up with pride.  They are matter of fact.  They happened by God's hand.  There isn't a day I don't look back and marvel at some of the things He allowed us to accomplish - me to accomplish.   But even so, after all was said and done, and Samuel died anyway, I wondered what the point of it all was.  The things we accomplished, the things we learned about diet and cancer were meaningless and easily dismissed by anyone and everyone without Samuel as living proof.  Yet, sometime in the second year after Samuel's death, the importance of the knowledge we gained quickly paled in comparison to the continued revelation of Samuel's love.  The love that gave us all the strength, the will, and the endurance to never give up no matter how terrible and futile things looked, no matter what the world said or thought of us, until God made it clear that it was over.  The love led to miracles.  Surely 1 Corinthians 13:7-8 is proven.  Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen. 

Our society assigns inordinate value to the things of this world which will be meaningless in eternity.  (Luke 16:15)  People live as if the accomplishments in this life are the be all end all and the only reward we get.   Thus, they live their lives as if this one life, is all we get.   Death is their ultimate enemy.  They are willing to do whatever it takes to stay alive as well as keep those who are in their control, alive as well.  No matter the cost.  This is what Jesus said will happen to people who love this one life, "He who loves his life will lose it." (John 12:25-26)  He goes on, "he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.  If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor."  We are to love and serve God.  Not ourselves in this life.  (Mark 8:35-38)  It is the reality of Heaven and eternity that made the scare tactics of Samuel's "caregivers" who often said, "if he doesn't finish his chemo, he will die," a useless weapon to force us to do their will. Death, for the Child of God, is gain.  (Philippians 1:21)  Samuel gained eternal life and he lives in the fullness of love and joy. Very occasionally, he is somehow allowed to shower me with that love and joy so that I am reminded that I chose the only real life there is for him.  It is that love and the knowledge that every decision I made for Samuel was motivated by that love, that allows joy to overcome the sorrow of our separation.  That love reassures me that I always chose "life" for Samuel and that was all God asked of me.  This knowledge brings me much peace and joy today.

7.5 years have passed since "cancer" reared its ugly head in our lives.  In that time, way too many of the children I came to know have either relapsed or died.  Of the ones who are still living, every single one carries a physical reminder of cancer with them in the form of "long term side effects."  They and their families are continually haunted by the fear of relapse and so I question - who is better off?  The families who have lost children, the families who are still slaves to the cancer system, or the families who whose lives are crippled by the fear of relapse?  My answer to that question is that the ones who are better off are those who walked through the trial of "cancer" remaining faithful to that still small voice in their heart (Jesus), no matter what the advice of the world was, no matter how difficult the ordeal was and no matter what the outcome was. 

That said, the above has been my main advice to this family who has contacted me.  In the grand scheme of things, the choice of their child's cancer treatment, the outcome of their child's cancer treatment and any knowledge they gain along the way, will not be of any comfort to them when all has been said and done if they did not listen to the still small voice in their heart that is trying to guide them toward decisions motivated by Agape.  I cannot make those choices for them nor will I violate their conscience.  The direction God asked us to walk may not be the direction He asks others to walk.  They must choose the path they will travel for themselves and they must live with those choices.   I can pray for them.  I can come alongside them in spirit and in prayer and I can ask you to do the same.  The little girl's name is Megan.  Will you pray for her and her family with me as they navigate this?

What I offer them and you is advice from my overall experience.  The heart's satisfaction and peace in this life is not gauged by whether we win or lose, live a long life or die young.   God alone decides these things and we do not.  What we can decide, what we can control, is how we live our life.  Will we obey or disobey Him?  Will we be faithful in the small things as well as the large things? Or will we cave to worldly pressure?   (Luke 16:10)   It is only by our faithfulness and obedience to Him that we gain satisfaction and peace in our hearts no matter the outcome of our circumstances. 
Psalm 34
I will praise the Lord at all times.
I will constantly speak his praises.
I will boast only in the Lord;
let all who are helpless take heart.
Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness;
let us exalt his name together.
I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears.
Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
he saved me from all my troubles.
For the angel of the Lord is a guard;
he surrounds and defends all who fear him.
Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!
Fear the Lord, you his godly people,
for those who fear him will have all they need.
Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry,
but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.
Come, my children, and listen to me,
and I will teach you to fear the Lord.
Does anyone want to live a life
that is long and prosperous?
Then keep your tongue from speaking evil
and your lips from telling lies!
Turn away from evil and do good.
Search for peace, and work to maintain it.
The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right;
his ears are open to their cries for help.
But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil;
he will erase their memory from the earth.
The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.
For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous;
not one of them is broken!
Calamity will surely overtake the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be punished.
But the Lord will redeem those who serve him.
No one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

More Than Cancer

To my horror, in the last couple of months, I have learned that two people I care about deeply have been either newly diagnosed with cancer, or relapsed.  One is a lady who was firmly rooted in Samuel's prayer tree; some of you might remember her as the "computer angel" as Kristina called her.  Well, she was much more than that; with us in spirit, in joy and in sorrow from beginning to end.  She now has a form of leukemia.  When I received the news, I was just devastated knowing that she has already had so much on her plate in her own personal life apart from loving Samuel.  The other is a little girl named Olivia who I "met" through an ALL listserv and felt a kinship to.  Her family, like ours, hated traditional cancer treatment and set out to use alternatives until such time as they felt they were faced with transplant or death.  They chose transplant and I was certain that because she was spared so much of the harsh chemo, that she would be one of the lucky ones whom transplant would "cure."   Her transplant was successful in 2005 and her remission lasted to 2009.  When I found that she had relapsed last month, I was shocked that her relapse had actually happened a year earlier than I found her.  I stopped checking on her because I assumed, I believed she got her miracle.   My heart sank reading all this family has endured over the last year and all the familiar feelings flooded my soul remembering our own last battle; the multitude of problems that built up until they were insurmountable and then reliving the devastation of that all too final knowledge -- still too much to bear.  Olivia has had another transplant and is currently showing all donor cells but is still transfusion dependent.  She also now has many physical consequences of treatment to endure as well.  As you know, chemo/radiation is cumulative; it doesn't matter how long a break you take from it, the damage it does just continues to accumulate when it is readministered even after a long interim.  It's a poison you never get rid of once you take the first dose.  My heart just breaks for these families and I pray for them daily.  Will you pray for Olivia and the "Computer Angel" aka Sara?

I found myself asking, "God, why?  Haven't they been through enough?"  Same question I am sure many asked when they found out Samuel relapsed just when we thought we saw light at the end of the tunnel.    "God, don't You know I love You?  Don't You know I have trusted You?  What are You doing?  Why are you letting all we have accomplished just fall apart?  Why are You letting him die?"   They were then, all rhetorical questions of which there was no answer given.  When I asked Him this time however, on behalf of these families, thinking back on our own journey through cancer, I realized that there is more going on in these lives than just cancer.  They just don't see it yet.    I know that because I know that there was more going on in our lives than just cancer. When I look back on the days when Samuel was here, I see days our home was bursting with love even in the midst of misery.  Days when every family member set everything they wanted in life aside to help Samuel.   Life was more than just cancer, it just took time and God's help to see it for what it truly was.

This blog has chronicled so much of what I have learned about our journey with Samuel both before and after he died.  I have blogged about the things God has taught me, about how divine Samuel's love was, how blessed we were to have known such love and the amazing things we were able to accomplish because of it.  But there's more to it than just that.   It's a knowledge that love like that was a gift from God and not a direct result of anything we, his parents did.  Love like that is not of this world but instead the evidence of the Holy Spirit living inside him.    Some babies are just born with it.  We see evidence of this in Matthew's Gospel which speaks of the Holy Spirit in John the Baptist while he was still in the womb.    I am pretty sure Samuel was one of the babies born with it.  We knew he was special from birth, very different from our other children.    If I put any of my other children in Samuel's position, I cannot say with much certainty that the outcome would be the same.  They have yet to possess the kind of Godly love that endures suffering without question that Samuel was just born with.  That "different" had a specific purpose.  I know in my heart that Samuel came to teach us about God's love; the love spoken of in 1 Corinthians 13.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.   Love never fails. 

Note that it doesn't say that love is lustful, wishy-washy, self-centered, contingent on ???(fill in the blank) and requires gifts to sustain or all bets are off.    This is how the world "loves" and I am so sick of it I could puke.  You see, I have experienced Godly love and there is just no comparison.  Read the scripture again from a different translation.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn’t jealous. It doesn’t sing its own praises. It isn’t arrogant. It isn’t rude. It doesn’t think about itself. It isn’t irritable. It doesn’t keep track of wrongs. It isn’t happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up.  Love never comes to an end.


The more I read this passage, the more I see Samuel's heart and more importantly, God's heart.  For all Samuel went through, for all that we were allowed to see and do, for all that we tried to save him, no matter how much physical pain it caused him, he loved us and he trusted us.  For all the horrible things that had to be done, that we chose to do knowing it would hurt his body and even his feelings, he loved us knowing we were always trying to help and he forgave us.  I cannot say that my other children would have been so forgiving, or would have kept fighting to stay on Earth for as long as Samuel did.  He knew how much we needed him and he stayed "for us" as long as he could.   Somehow Samuel understood what even many adults cannot seem to comprehend: unconditional love.  Even in his final moments here, he showed how selfless his love was.  That is something that can only be explained as a gift from God and just writing of it brings me to tears.  Samuel left us a model of what the love of God should look like--now if we'll just have the desire to follow it.

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When we learned Samuel had leukemia the first time, alongside the normal fears that grip you, I wondered how we would ever transition from one way of life to this new horrible way of life.  I thought of the 50 custom orders I had outstanding and the fact that I was no longer going to be able to work.  I thought that we were now roped into this lifestyle where my handicap would make Mark responsible for all transportation thus fully unable to work.  I thought of our other children, Anna right beside me hungrily crying, 7 weeks old, who might never know her brother.   We had this whole idea of how our lives were supposed to happen, our own happily ever after, and I knew that wasn't going to be at this point.  My precious baby was dying and with him, a part of me began dying as well.  I was worthless to do anything but be by his side, exactly where I belonged.  The biggest concern I had was how we could possibly afford both of us not working and there was never any question that there was no way around it. I do not recall asking anyone but my dad for money, but God provided countless people who selflessly gave so that we could care for Samuel and fully untangle ourselves from the "normal" world without losing our home, our car, or any other thing that kept us going, like food.. There is no way we could have given Samuel the total time and attention he needed without those people. Those were precious moments in time I'm glad I don't have to look back on and think "I should have been there for him more." Many of you still reading made me always being there for him possible and I owe you a debt I can never repay. 

Throughout Samuel's life, we learned the value of a life not normal, not worldly.  We learned to enjoy the often overlooked small things, such as a smile you have waited months to see or a spoken "I love you Mama" after months of silence.  You come to learn very quickly that there is no material thing in the world that takes the place of such gifts as these.  We took our time as much as possible, enjoyed the quiet days and the silly times.  We were in no rush to return to the normal way of life when Samuel was here, and still aren't.   We learned that people waste much of their lives pursuing worldly things that are meaningless in eternity often neglecting their own families to get them.  Life is short and you never get yesterday back to do over.   I wouldn't trade any worldly possession for the love that reigned in our home when Samuel was here.

The greatest gift God has given us is His love and the ability to love Him and others as He does.   It is that kind of love that draws His eye, moves His heart and brings about miracles.   It is that kind of love that allows Him to bring people to your aid in your most desperate moments so you can just focus on loving and nothing else.   Few, like Samuel, are born with this love but for the rest of us who call ourselves believers are called to pursue it, to perfect it.  This is what the indwelling of the Holy Spirit was made for, to help us love in a Godly manner, which is foreign to the worldly man.  That is what sets us apart from the world.  That kind of love is what set Samuel apart from this world, not cancer.  This is the kind of love I shall never tire of speaking of and longing to be near.

This love is what drew the disciples to Jesus when He walked the Earth.  It's a love worth travailing for, worth walking to the ends of their world for,  worth suffering endlessly for, worth being despised for and worth dying for.  Once you fully experience this kind of love, the "love" of the world will never suffice.  Our boy loved us like this and we, in turn, loved him all the more. We would have done anything for him including die if that would have spared him.  I have often wondered how so many Jews missed this love when they encountered Jesus but they certainly did just as people today miss it when it's right in front of their face.   The Lord has answered this question for me though.  They have hardened their hearts choosing worldly "love" over Godly love.  Matthew 24 speaks of the love of many growing cold due to wickedness in the last days.  We're there.   The many He was talking about was most definitely the "church."   Look at what many supposed Christian churches (those in the news especially)  are doing today and tell me if you see any Godly love there.   When Jesus was here, He loved the sinner, the ones who did not know Him.  He loved His disciples and His people, the believers.  He was most harsh to the make-believers, the Jews who were supposed to know Him, who didn't recognize Him because they were so full of wickedness hiding under a form of godliness.  Sounds really familliar doesn't it?

When Samuel left this world, I was left with a lot of questions.  I was left with the greatest test my faith in Jesus had ever been asked to go through.   While I thought cancer was useful in removing me from the normal world, I soon learned that Samuel's death would sever my ties with it completely.  I specifically mention Samuel's death as being the final straw knowing that I had previously experienced deaths of loved ones past, and while they each had their own effect on the direction of my life, neither severed me completely from pursuing a worldly lifestyle or worldly hopes.  I have come to understand that this severing has not been a bad thing.   The things that the Lord has taught me since Samuel's exodus are things I do not believe I could have or would have learned if he had lived.  These are things that have quite possibly changed my eternal destiny as well as that of my household.

The very first thing God showed me was His love.  I love how He loves me. When I felt I had nothing left to give to God, no reason to expect anything more from Him, He filled my heart with His love. A love I recognized as familiar because it reminded me of the love Samuel had. A love that endures ALL things, both good and bad trusting that what is done no matter how painful it is, is done to build up rather than tear down. A love that forgives and doesn't keep score of wrongs or use a bartering system to get what it wants. A love that always protects, always perseveres, always holds on to hope, is patient even through tears and sorrow, a love that is selfless. It's a love not of this world. It's the kind of love that once you experience it, you never want it to end. You wonder how you lived so long without it. A love that will force you to cheerfully untangle yourself from whatever worldly bonds are keeping you away from it. I often think back to all the long hospital days Samuel and I spent alone together and his company was all I needed. People, other than Mark who came in and out were simply intruders we couldn't wait to see leave. I am thankful for the times when God has allowed Samuel's love to trickle down from Heaven for me to feel again even if it is so overwhelming that I can hardly function for days thereafter. I miss that love daily. I miss him. And while I have known for some time that when Samuel lived on earth, it was to teach us about God's love, I now know that his departure to Heaven was to draw our hearts, minds and spirits to the REAL Jesus. Yes, I wrote and meant "real."


God lovingly led me through many difficult parts of laying down who I thought He was and what I thought He was supposed to do for me, to a place of pursuing a real two-sided relationship with Him; to a place of truly wanting to serve Him.  He has been pursuing my heart for my entire life, of that I am sure, but He never fully had my heart until after Samuel left and I learned what being a "true" convert to Jesus really entailed.  It's more than lip service, it is heart service.  It's more than reciting a few scriptures, it is living out what they say.  It's more than what He can do for me right this second, but instead embracing what He has already done.  He has known me my entire life, before even the foundations of the world.  I have only in the last couple years, begun to get to know Him for who He truly is. I literally cannot get enough of Him.  I am certain that my boy in Heaven has made sure that I would get to know Jesus on earth the way he knows Jesus in Heaven. 
We are living in the era of the apostate church and many of us don't even realize it.  There is little true discernment in many believers today.  There are people who genuinely want to love and serve God (as I did) who don't even comprehend that they are being fed "another gospel," another jesus.  It's startling and terrifying to realize this, moreover to realize that I had been swept up in it to some degree and didn't even know it.  It wasn't until Samuel died, the shaky foundation of my faith was shattered and I questioned the very existence of God that I realized I was following another jesus much of the time.  This is not to say that God wasn't with me, guiding my steps for all my life and most especially during Samuel's life.  He most certainly was.  I most certainly heard His voice and used His strength to endure.  What I am telling you is that there were aspects of my faith that were wrong, not based on the Jesus of the Bible at all.  Parts that needed to die so that the Jesus of the Bible and His love could fully live in me.  You cannot know the Jesus of the Bible, or even be certain that you are following the Jesus of the Bible if you don't study the Bible truly seeking Him for who He truly is.  It's foundational and the standard for which all church leaders must be judged.  As I read through with the help of the Holy Spirit, I realized that many of the teachings I followed were twisted humanistic interpretations of scripture leading to idolatry and pride.  All things God hates.    If the church doesn't "look right" to you, it's probably because it isn't.    By blindly following church leaders without doing our own scripture study comparing the jesus they preach to the Jesus of the Bible, we are gambling with our very eternal life.   That is a terrifying thought.  In Philippians 2:12, Paul instructs us to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, not pride and arrogance bleating "I'm forgiven" while running straight into evil.  God's forgiveness and salvation comes with confession of sin which requires humility and repentance which requires that you STOP sinning.   Doesn't mean you are suddenly perfect, but that becomes your goal and you work toward it daily.  This is a message sorely lacking in Christianity today.   I know what Jesus meant when He asked if He would find faith on Earth when He returned.  Being a follower of Christ is not all about wealth, health and a Heavenly life on Earth with Jesus as our slave.   Being a follower of Jesus COSTS you something whether that be friends, family, a job, fame, or the American dream.  Every disciple, prophet and forefather of the faith in the Bible was tried, tested, and purified through some kind of tribulation often losing more than they gained while living on Earth.  We don't just serve the Lord for what we'll get in this life; our hope is in eternal life with Him that will be filled with His love as well as the love of fellow true believers.  I long for that daily.  It's worth laying every worldly lust aside for no matter the earthly cost.

If Samuel had been healed on Earth, I know my heart would still be deceived into following a jesus who looked spiritual and had a form of godliness, but was nothing but an idol that exploded the day Samuel died.  For as much as I love Samuel, as much as I miss him, as much as I have deeply hurt as I allowed God to circumcise my heart with this lesson, as much as I wish my heart could have come to know God as He truly is in some other way, I am glad that Jesus loved me enough to break my heart using Samuel so that He could truly live in it and I could spend eternity with Him and Samuel. I have so much to thank God for and so much to thank Samuel for as well.  The list piles up daily.

Everything God allows to happen to His people has a purpose.  Nothing is random or accidental.  God's purpose always has eternity in view.  It's hard to remember that when life hurts to live right now but this I know; God is good and He loves you.  He wants all to be saved and come to righteousness.  Unfortunately, it seems to take tragedy and tears to soften our hearts enough to find Him.   Why do we humans have to learn everything the hard way?  Soften your hearts to Him today, I beg you.

Samuel's life on earth was more than a cancer tragedy.   To not recognize and share this with you would be a dishonor to all he suffered to teach.  If I had been embittered by God so much so that I walked away from Him after Samuel died, that would have meant Samuel's life on Earth was in vain.  I love my boy far too much to ever let that happen.  I am just glad Jesus never gave up on pursuing my heart.

Thank you, Lord!

Our Outlook on Cancer

One of the most popular pages on Samuel's Site now updated because you asked......

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Our Outlook on Cancer

On April 21, 2004, Samuel's second birthday, we made the decision to "save" his life by approving a chemo protocol just like countless parents do daily whether they wanted to or not. However, we never agreed to ruin his body, or his life, or our lives in this process. I remember asking our first Oncologist if the cure was worse than the cancer and he assured me it was not. He also assured me that "he" could "cure" Samuel. Oh, really? In our instance, I can assure you that the "cure" was worse than the disease and that same "cure" slowly and methodically tore his body apart assuring him a torturous death in the end. There was no cure for the "cure." I will never regret making the choice to save his life but I will always regret and hate the fact that making that choice ruined his body in ways we never could have imagined. I hate the fact that a protocol full of poisons was our only choice at the time.


While there is no doubt that chemo and other cancer treatments do lengthen lives and even "cure" people (remember "cure" in the cancer world means you live five years past your original diagnosis date), it is not without it's price. Oncologists like to boast about their "cure rates" but often neglect to mention the horrible tragic ways their patients die; those who were not lucky enough to be part of the good statistics. Samuel died a miserable horrible death; one in which even the elephant size doses of pain killers didn't help to ease. All because of the damage from one round of chemo.


When you take chemo, you are playing Russian Roulette with your life. Maybe you will win, maybe you won't. Only time will tell. And if you happen to be that unlucky one for whom chemo does unheard of things to your body, good luck finding any doctor who wants to help you. There are many poisons which can get you into that situation, and few medical things to reverse it. Did chemo "save" Samuel's life initially? Yes because his leukemia was so far advanced. But it also destroyed his body in less than 30 days. Would I do things differently if I could go back? Absolutely yes having the knowledge and hindsight I have today. Yes. The very first thing done for him in the ICU was to administer sodium bicarbonate which drastically reduced the number of blasts in Samuel's blood within 24 hours and BEFORE any chemo was administered. In his last 10 months here, I had good success with baking soda as a non-toxic cancer treatment. But unfortunately, to have had the options I know work today, I would have had to kidnap my own child and go to another country.


Adults with cancer are able to choose alternative options while parents of children with cancer can not until relapse or as was our case, significant unheard of consequences of chemo. Something is wrong with this picture. Obviously, after a person has gone through enough chemo to be considered last ditch, their body is destroyed and alternatives have very little chance to do much more than ease side effects. I recently read an article which points to an over 95% cure rate (and by cure, they really mean cure in the true sense) for the treatment which we chose to use for Samuel when it was used as the first and main course of cancer treatment. I am not shocked by this because we had so much success with it even when Samuel's body was falling apart without our knowledge.


For me, refusing chemotherapy was a morality issue and I could not continue to lie to myself and destroy my soul over it. Samuel trusted me as his mother to take care of him and the very first thing to happen to him is still one of the most vicious horrifying attacks from chemo any Onc has ever seen. Three months inpatient, 20 surgeries to attempt to undo the damage, and no guarantee of anything. After three months of being a victim to this torture, we knew we could not continue this treatment. Our protocol was then augmented to accommodate us until such time as Samuel's continued complications landed us in a place where we could flat out refuse any more chemo without fear of CPS intervention. In total, Samuel endured less than 7 months of the 3.5 year protocol and many of the poisons were dropped after the second round because he could not tolerate them. Samuel remained in remission for 3 years and 2 months before relapsing and we firmly believe the relapse was caused by the significant damage to his gut. I do not regret discontinuing treatment. I do regret that we did not discontinue sooner.


Most parents actually start out knowing poisoning their children is wrong, but allow themselves to be placated by physicians "who would never willingly poison their children if there was a better way." The MD's assure parents that there is no other way. Our Oncology Clinic watched us get Samuel's cancer into remission three times and I guarantee you, they haven't told anyone there are other options. They just say, "Well Samuel was different." Yes, Samuel was different in that he had very little anatomy left to sustain his life without tons of my personal intervention into his diet and he STILL went into remission 3x. They can believe what they want. Alternative Medicine is not for everyone and certainly most parents will always choose conventional treatments because of "cure rates" and "ease." I put those in quotes because most children who get cancer will eventually die from cancer even if it is years down the road because the underlying cause of the cancer is not usually treated. Also, many chemo treatments cause secondary cancers. There is no "easy" treatment for cancer whether you allow an MD to administer it or do it yourself. It all comes down to how much personal effort you want to put into it. I knew I was going to have to live with the outcome, whatever that outcome might be. I knew I would never forgive myself if I allowed them to continue to ruin my son's body to further their statistics. I also knew from experience that they were unwilling to go the extra mile for us. The MD's would suffer no heartbreak whatever the outcome and that drove me to find more humane treatments. In the end, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that "I" did everything possible. They dropped the ball right from the start.


Using alternatives means you are going it on your own for the most part. All the research, choices and treatments are dependent on you to obtain and administer. Unfortunately, there are no doctors who can legally practice alternative medicine in the US for newly diagnosed pediatric cancer treatment. CAM medicine, yes, total cancer treatment, no. So if you decide to do alternative cancer treatment with your child, you are out on a limb. Be wary of alternative providers who are employed by hospitals as they are limited to do only what the hospital approves (basically managing side effects) making them worthless to you for mainline treatment. Also beware of caregivers who will prey on your fears, and I mean both mainstream and alternative because cancer is BIG business for both. Make no mistake about that. Most insurances do not cover these type of treatments so financially, this ball is also in your court.


Research is all over the place as far as alternatives go which means you have your work cut out for you. Cancer Tutor is always up to date with current research and I always checked here often because options change quickly. Plus more and more people are choosing alternative treatments thus more info about their pros and cons becomes more available by the day. Every "body" is different and using alternatives requires that you learn the idiosyncrasies of the person in your care. The biggest most useful theory of alternatives is to put as many non-contradicting non-toxic treatments together as possible and monitor progress closely. The nice thing is that you can change up treatments at any given time as well as minimize side effects in the process. Our experience with alternatives was that when we found something that worked, it worked immediately; like within hours or days. If it didn't work immediately, it usually did not work long term either.


When we were dealing with relapse, we were in a position to freely choose alternative treatment for Samuel. We chose to treat his cancer with diet, herbs and high ph therapy rather than poison. We were able to get Samuel into remission not once but three times with mainly diet and alternative treatments. At the end we also used very minuscule doses of chemo or steroids in which we had total control over dosing. Samuel lost each remission due to the damage to his GI tract from chemo that we slowly and painfully learned was irreversible and insurmountable. In the end, Samuel's gut died and allowed his leukemia to get the upper hand. You cannot live without a gut regardless of whether cancer is involved. His cancer was still dying off even in his last days but we were helpless to do anything because of the GI damage.


Through it all, we came to the conclusion that the cancer was the easy part and a symptom of an underlying even more vicious problem. In Samuel's case, it happened to be gut dysfunction and improper digestion. When his gut was functioning properly, the cancer went into remission. When it wasn't, the cancer came back with a vengeance. The bigger picture of this is that cancer may be a symptom of garbage build-up in the body. The immune system doesn't know what to do with the immense load of toxins so it just dumps it somewhere; either as a tumor, or spread out in the blood where it can disperse virtually anywhere. Cleaning out the "garbage systems" in the body is a good place to start. Gut, liver, gallbladder, spleen, lymphatic system and do not forget the kidneys which regulate fluids for the entire body. A rapid change in diet causes a rapid change in the body's ecosystem and often times, this alone causes cancers to stop progressing and even begin regressing. Do not forget to ask God to help because with His help, you are not alone. Learn to hear His voice and allow Him to guide you even if that means you go AMA. God's way is always the right way and I'll take His word over man's theories anytime. The Lord led me to things that helped Samuel's body fight the fight, even when I had no concept of what his body was really doing inside. God helped me improve Samuel's quality of life and to extend his days on earth when no MD could and Samuel always knew that his Mama and Jesus helped him. Until the day I die, I live with the pride of knowing I was allowed to do something no one else could do for Samuel and that his glorious spirit and intense love for us did the rest. For over four years, he fought to live, suffered enormously for it yet savored every moment he could. He always knew we were trying to help him. Near the end, he thanked me all the time for helping him. He was always smiling, always planning to live, never wanting to die. He's more alive in Heaven than he ever was here. He got his wish, just not quite the way we planned. There are some things that are WORSE than death and the suffering he endured because of chemotherapy is certainly one of them. I never wanted him to have to die, but I would not want him to still be here today trying to live in that ravaged body of torment either. I was firm on my stance on that from the beginning.


My only regret in all this is allowing chemo at all. Chemo is NOT God's medicine. Chemo is MAN'S medicine for a disease man brought upon himself. God did not make cancer, Satan did. And if chemo is not a tool of Satan, I don't know what is. Never has the thought of anything else brought such terror in to my heart. Never has anything scared me, sickened me, or deceived me. Chemo fools you into thinking it is working, all is well, and then the after effects sneak up on you when you least expect it. Or worse, you kid relapses on a protocol that is supposed to be very effective. In our case, we just did not know what hit us. It attacked from all angles at once.


Chemo is not from God. I wonder how many other things we will get to heaven and have God say "How on earth did you ever think I created that?" Samuel made it through that ordeal through God's grace and mercy and by those who kept praying and keeping Samuel's name in front of God's eyes. A friend sent me a note that really hits the nail on the head, "I think that after going through the medical crap that most people either come to the realization that they need to change to live or they will die under the care of the Dr's. " Until we are willing to look at ourselves and the ways we damage our bodies every day with chemicals, crappy foods, and toxins all around us, there will always be cancer.


Chemo does not effectively kill cancer; many of the chemo drugs actually cause it. Cancer cells eventually become resistant to chemo and find ways to hide, mutate and spread. It's effectiveness is further limited over time because of the damage it does to the vital organs in the body thus affecting the body's ability to recover from each assault. It is a vicious cycle that many do not know how to break free from until death parts them from it permanently. As my friend Sandy said, "Samuel did not get leukemia from a chemo deficiency." How many are willing to change or look seriously into other options to spare themselves this misery? Would you like to have your child trade places with Samuel or any of these other poor kids enduring this misery? I don't see any hands waving. I once told my Onc that Samuel wasn't taking any more of a certain chemo until he was willing to take the first dose himself. He said he wasn't willing "for a variety of reasons." Why am I not surprised? God forgive us for what we do to ourselves and our children. I pray forgiveness for any part I might have had in Samuel's cancer.


That being said, we do not as a family fund raise or advocate fundraising for cancer research which is mainstream. If I find a cause for alternative treatments, I will support it. I continue to pay for Samuel's Site to be available so that anyone searching for an example of what worked may find one. God knows I had no example to follow and many think that because their child died, the treatment must have failed. NOT SO. Understand that I learned what I believe about cancer being a symptom of something worse because Samuel relapsed several times and I was able to see how his gut function directly affected his cancer. This knowledge is not visible when a person follows a standard protocol and thus Oncologists can give no reason for relapse. In our case, I knew why he relapsed for the second and the third and the final time.


I put my money, info and efforts into helping other families who are living this nightmare. I know first hand what living in a hospital is like. I know what living with life threatening complications of chemo is like. I know what it is like to watch your child lie lifeless in a bed for months and have no one be able to tell you why or when or if they will recover. I know what it is like to have everyone around you thinking your child cannot possibly survive everything they are afflicted with. I know what it is like to hear your child has cancer and I know what it is like to come to the realization that your child has no conventional medical options should they relapse. I know what it's like to watch them die. Having been through so much, I just want to help other families, not drug companies who put us in these predicaments and oncologists who lose interest in your case when it becomes "too complicated." I do not turn away from someone else's tragedy, I read, I pray, I hope and I do what I can to help them.


An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. This experience has made me more determined than ever to reduce the risks for cancer of my family. If you believe "Everything causes cancer so why bother changing..." as I hear too often, then you might as well plan on having cancer hit close to home at some point in your life. To those who believe that nutrition makes no difference in whether you get cancer or any other life threatening disease, you are fooling yourself. I have taken the time to document most of the things we have done for Samuel both on chemo and off to keep him healthy and keep him in remission or get him back into remission. You can find that info here and throughout all the journals. And I am not just making recommendations for the fun of it. I have rock solid lab work on Samuel to back up what good solid nutrition can do even in the midst of a GI tract which was almost completely destroyed.


The bottom line today is that Samuel is a child of God and he belongs to God. He is now free of all this life has taken from him, he is in heaven and will never want to come back here. He knows where I am and I know where he is. He no longer suffer earthly torment and his body is whole. He will never cry another tear or ask me to fix his butt. He is surrounded by even more love there than we can fathom here. He has the best surrogate mother I could ask for, my grandma, Delma. I know he will be loved more than gold in her arms. In all these things, I rejoice. I did my job; I took care of him from birth to death and he's with God. Ultimately, that is the most important thing.


If we ever have to deal with cancer again as a family, we will say NO to chemo. We proved that other things work. How much better would they have worked if Samuel's body hadn't been mutilated by chemo beforehand? We will never know for sure but my guess is that he would still be here today had I had that knowledge and option. If you take anything away from this website, I hope it is the knowledge that as Samuel's GI told all her interns who asked why we were not being forced to do chemo, "Other things work." Not only that, but no one should force toxic treatments on those who don't want them, most especially children. My response to these "professionals" will always be, "Take the first dose and let me know how it works out for you." I know better.

What Do You Think You're Doing?

Don't you just love it when someone asks you, "What do you think you're doing?" Based on the phrasing of the question, the questioner obviously thinks you are doing something wrong which will lead to failure and they most assuredly know a better way. They also know you will never listen to them so they sit back slightly annoyed and yet still intrigued enough to watch ready to pounce when you fail miserably. And then when you actually succeed, they are perplexed. Then the question changes to, "How did you know to do that?" Funny how that works.

A few things have come up lately that made me think of these questions. When we told our respective friends and families that we were planning to have our first child at home in the bathtub, we got this kind of reception. Nobody really came right out and said we would regret it, but it was obvious that they had their own opinions and figured that we just need to learn for ourselves. Perhaps they didn't believe we would actually go through with it. What we learned was that homebirth was the most awe-inspiring, empowering, and beautiful experience and we would never want to have a baby anywhere else. Of course, after the fact, people who were certain we would regret it, or wind up in the hospital begging for drugs, are now amazed and intrigued because we have done something they have never done. Topping that off, we did it four times. They say, "You're brave." Or, "You're insane." I say, "No, I just knew what I wanted to do and I did it." Birthing babies is one of the most intimate things a woman can do in this life and I desired it to be a certain way, and it was. Each birth experience drew Mark and I closer in the most intimate ways. After homebirthing, it didn't feel like there was anything we could not do together.

Then there's the other end of the spectrum. One I didn't expect. Some people think you are either joking or flat out lying when you tell them you had your babies at home in the bathtub. Kaysha has told all her friends that she was born at home in the tub and that is why she is such a good swimmer (LOL) and her friends parents don't believe her. Either they think we lied to Kaysha or they think Kaysha is lying to them. I told her friend that I have the pictures to prove it but they probably don't want to see them.........

We also got a similar reception, or maybe an even worse one when we announced we were pulling our kids out of Christian school to homeschool instead. Another decision that was good for our family especially in light of Samuel getting cancer in the very first year we schooled at home. I cannot imagine what life would have been like had they been in a school system at that time. The Christian school I paid $3k for Kaysha's 1st grade year allowed her to get C's, D's and F's without contacting me before the report cards came out. When I complained LOUDLY, they changed her grades to B's and C's saying they somehow misplaced some of her assignments. Then, again, at the end of the year, the report card came out with C's, D's and F's again with no warning mid-term AND passed her on to 2nd grade. I was livid. What had happened was that they hired a first year male teacher who obviously did not have a clue how to teach. Kaysha went from top of her class in kindergarten to failing 1st grade. The teacher told me he thought C's were good grades because that was what he got. Yes, and I paid for that. It took me several years to get Kaysha to unlearn the bad habits she got in that one year. We didn't pull her out mid-year thinking it would do more harm to her psyche than good. The school dissolved a year later and now sits empty. Rumor was that it was because of this particular teacher. He was also the 2nd grade teacher and I certainly wasn't willing to give him a second year to screw things up even more. Once again, I had expectations and when they weren't met, rather than whining and doing nothing, I took care of it. I don't know why this is such a novel concept but apparently it is because I have neighbors who are upset about what their kids are being taught, or don't seem to be learning in school, yet they keep sending them to the very place they think is doing a terrible job.

So my kids are thriving learning at home and some of the neighborhood kids are jealous telling them how lucky they are while others tell them they are dumb because they are homeschooled and try to trick them by asking them questions even they don't know the answers to. Incidentally, the kids who attempt to insult them are the ones who get suspended from school regularly for fighting, are the neighborhood bullies and are failing their grade. Seems they are seeking attention they are obviously not getting at home. I also know that many of them are repeating opinions their parents have told them about homeschooling. I make sure my kids are very aware of these truths as they trek out each day so they can identify the garbage judgements being spilled on them and ignore them. They know what their test scores look like each year and how they compare to the rest of the state in their respective grade levels. I know they are happy, well-adjusted, kind-hearted, respectful and talented kids who aren't afraid to have a conversation with their parents about what is going on in their lives. They are not afraid to ask why people say what they say, or do what they do and they trust our judgement. We don't care what other people think. We do care what God thinks. Considering everything they have been through, I feel very blessed that they are doing so well.

And of course, there's Samuel and all we chose to do and not do for him. All with a lot of the same judgemental reception from so many (who thought they knew better) at every turn. But just lately some questions have come up. Kind hearted questions from people just learning of Samuel trying to make their own critical decisions for someone else who ask, "How did you know to do what you did?" "Why did you choose such and such?" "How did you know it would work?" "What made you do that?" "Did you have an example to follow?"

The more time elapses, the more I look back with amazement because I know we did something no one else has done. We made so many huge decisions against medical advice, decisions with no "professional" support, and decisions we were told we would regret. These decisions worked for Samuel. They improved his quality of life, they prolonged his life and most importantly, they preserved his glorious spirit. Mark and I never made any choice regarding Samuel that we both didn't agree 100% on. We talked endlessly in 2004 about this choice or that choice that might lead to relapse and if that happened, we wanted to be able to look back without regrets. Today, we have no regrets about the choices we made. Obviously we wish Samuel would have been healed on earth, but that decision was out of our hands. The decisions that were in our hands are a huge source of pride for us today. Taking care of Samuel's body and heart was the hardest thing we have ever done, but we did it together with God's help from beginning to end. And therein lies the answer to all these questions whether they be asked about homebirth, homeschooling, or cancer treatment.

How did we know to do what we did? We listened to our conscience and the Holy Spirit which are one in the same for the most part. Why did we choose such and such? Because God pointed it out. He showed us what we was looking for. He brought complete strangers into our lives to help guide and support us when all my familiars would not. We let peace rule our choices. If we didn't have peace, we knew we were wrong somewhere and sought to make it right. How did we know it would work? We didn't. We trusted God and believed He would not fail us. What made us do that? Love and compassion. We put others needs above our wants. Did we have an example to follow? For homebirthing, yes. For homeschooling, yes. For Samuel, no. we followed Christ. We listened to what He said and we did it together in complete agreement We trusted that He knew better than we or any other human. We trusted even when everyone thought we were insane, uneducated, or misguided. It wasn't easy but following God never is. People often ask you what you think you're doing. We've just gotten used to it. Our confidence is in Him. He gave us every thing we needed to do what needed to be done and that includes living in the aftermath of it all.


While we are well accustomed to naysayers reactions to our "unique" choices, we are aware that our kids are not. Not yet anyway. Thus far they embrace the choices we have made that directly affect their lives. They like that they have a different life story than most. Praise God for that. My prayer is that they will come to understand that following the path God has set before them trumps every opinion, every human judgement, and very often worldly wisdom. Friends and family may not always understand or want to follow along. Sad but true. There are crossroads in life where you have to make a choice; to live as the world lives, a mediocre but somewhat comfortable life at best, or to rise above all that, take some risks and follow Him. Following Him makes some people uncomfortable. It embarrasses some. It makes others angry. Expect it and get over it so you can move on to do something magnificent with Him.

As a four year old, one of Samuel's favorite spunky questions was, "What do you think you're doing?" I have it recorded on video. It sounds so cute when he says it and he wasn't trying to be rude, he just had a unique way in which he articulated things. You know, like an adult.

What did we think we were doing? There were times I know we were following Samuel's lead. He led us to find parts of ourselves we didn't know existed. He led us to do things thought impossible. Even in his absence, I am left with a huge sense of accomplishment because of his spirit and his life. I am well aware today that he knew things even then we had yet to learn. Things we are still learning because we chose to walk the road not taken. This is a legacy I want for all my children and I pray that when their time comes to walk an unknown road with the Lord, that I will be their cheerleader and not their naysayer, a helper and not a hindrance.

Love Story

While I was waiting for dinner to be ready last night, I picked up one of the photo albums I made of Samuel. A lovely lady, Shandelle, made me a scrap book for him back in 2004 and it had laid empty until after he went to Heaven. It is large enough to fit tons of pictures of him and yet small enough to fit in my book bag so I take it everywhere I go. When Shandelle sent it, I figured it would serve as Samuel's second baby book since bringing him home from the hospital in 2004 was similar to bringing home a newborn, only he was a 30 pound newborn. I took pictures of him learning how to sit, crawl, stand, and walk all over again and thought it would be fitting to put them here. I never dreamed it would encompass his lifetime but it does and I am glad I was not overzealous to fill it in 2004.


As you might imagine, it is filled with the "best" pictures of Samuel. It wasn't hard to find 50 of those. In 99% of the book, he is smiling, playing, joking around and happy.

Pictures like this one. He was somewhere around a year old here. This one I looked at and thought, "Now that is Pooper." He's happy. He's playing around trying to make us laugh. He could still eat food. Look, he is showing it to you! At this age, he also thought it was fun to snort like a pig. When he would laugh, he would also snort. We thought it was so funny that we snorted right back and he would do it more. I have lots of video of him snorting. The snorting stopped forever when he got sick.

The picture above is one which shows Samuel's spirit true. Obviously taken before cancer, before his body was forever ruined by chemo, before the greatest heartache of our lives. My visitations from him, and all the" playing around" he has done in this house since his body died, remind me that his relocation to Heaven has freed his spirit to be the boy he was in this picture. He is happy. He is always trying to make people laugh. He is absolutely adorable, inside and out. He is smiling. He is eating. I realized when I saw that picture last night, that this is the Samuel that resides with the Lord. Same boy, just without the broken body.

I am so familiar with the pictures in this book that I usually flip through it rather quickly remembering what we were doing when each picture was taken and moving on to the next one. The very first picture in my book is this one.

My favorite. Period. It really did not matter which baby carrier I picked up, if I grabbed it and Samuel was around, he was immediately asking for a "Piggy Back Ride." I can still feel his little hands holding my shoulders, his little body glued to my back like he was just meant to be there. He was four in this picture. Some might say too big to be carried around but I am thankful for each and every day I did it. In this picture, he is wearing one of my favorite sweaters. He really wasn't picky about clothes and if you put something on him and then marveled at just how adorable he looked, he just smiled and glowed. Daniel would be embarrassed at such lavish attention, but not Samuel. Samuel also noticed when someone else "dressed up" and made a point of mentioning it. Whenever Anna would put on a pretty dress, he would say, "Look at Anna. Oh, Anna, you look so pretty!" The first time she had white tights on, he was mesmerized by them. He thought she looked so pretty with them on. I think of that every time I get dressed up for church. I know he would notice and say something.

The second picture is this.

I put the first one in on purpose, but most of the rest of the pictures are in there randomly. I put this on in randomly but now I don't think it was random. Instead of flipping right by it last night, I stopped long enough to realize that the Samuel in this picture is the Samuel he is today.

That might not seem like such a giant revelation if you have been reading this blog long, but when I think back to even a year ago today, this was not the impression I held with certainty. I had received some "signs" at this point last year, but nothing as significant as what was to come in 2009. When you've watched a child's body deteriorate and die, it takes awhile to get those images out of your mind. Everyone has head knowledge that when their loved one goes to Heaven, they live "Happily Ever After" but what does that really mean? We knew the day Samuel left us that he was forever free and healed but it was hard to picture what that would look like when the freshest images I had rolling around my mind were of his physical death.

Sometime early in 2008, a friend told me that God would surely reward my faithfulness and diligence to Samuel. The inferrence was that He would heal Samuel on earth. When Samuel died, I certainly didn't feel rewarded. Feeling his last breath leave him and feeling his rapidly beating heart suddenly stop felt like the most brutal punishment, not a reward. Don't get me wrong, it was most definitely a reward to Samuel to leave that body, just not for us left behind. And the grief from that whole experience with Samuel's illness and death shattered any unspoken rules I might have held about my role in life, death, and God's role in everything that goes on here.

My view of Samuel's life here and the memories we are left with, has dramatically changed from a year ago. What was once head knowledge of Samuel in Heaven that the devil could easily torment me over became heart knowledge that no one can take away. I am very much aware that Samuel took all the glorious attributes he had on this earth, personality and all, up to Heaven with him. All those cancer, broken down body, gut falling apart horrors are not memories he carries around with him in Heaven. The dream I had about him being here in this house last month reminded me again to look forward and not back. Every once in awhile, those last moments, memories of his last weeks of life here come back to visit and sometimes I entertain them, but most times I don't. It is much easier to kick them out when things are going okay, but when the walls start to close in, those thoughts can trap you in a pit you've already climbed out of. I was there, in a way, in the days that led up to that dream and it was that dream that reminded me that Samuel doesn't look back to those days and I should not either.

In that dream, by the way, he wasn't sick. His body wasn't falling apart and he wasn't dying. I know because he had no shirt on and no scars on his torso. He had very short but darker hair and no shunt. He was literally glowing with joy and when he grabbed my neck, he was big and strong; not little and weak. And finally, that turd he was so proud of was a turd; something nearly impossible when he was in his broken body. It took me awhile to understand but that dream wasn't sent to hurt me, it was sent to remind me of all the things I had temporarily forgotten. In one instant, God can change everything. In one instant, we could be raptured to be with Him. In one instant, an earthly tragedy can be a Heavenly triumph. One day we will be reunited and it will be like all that happened here was a dream. We won't care about the horror because we will be together again and on that day, it will be forever. Once I wrapped my mind around what I was really being shown, God whispered into my ear that Samuel's life here, and my role in it is recounted in Heaven as a "Love Story." Not a horror, not a tragedy, but a love story. That blew me away.

Samuel doesn't want me to be sad. He never did. Not even when he was on earth. He put on a smiling face during some of the worst times because he knew it helped me cope with my breaking heart. As time passes, the fog clears that once covered Samuel's life here with more questions than answers. It hasn't been easy to sift through but the efforts to do so anyway continue to pay off. I see more and more that I was "rewarded" all along the way. Things could have been worse. His last weeks could have been spent stuck in a hospital, with rampant infections or comatose waiting for organ failure, a scenario like in 2004, but they weren't. This scenario could have happened, probably should have happened, at any time during his last ten months of life given the condition of his body and blood, but it didn't. That was a miracle in itself. That cellulitis should have killed him with no immune system, but it didn't. I bring it up because I recently watched someone with a lot more body parts, and a lot more options, try to walk a similar path making choices I would have never made. That life ended quite differently. Let's just say, my worst nightmare. And worse yet, I could see it coming with every choice.

This was taken just 48 hours before he chose to live with Jesus. This is why I am blessed. I got the gift of one last 24 hour period with Samuel where he was able to do everything he needed to do here; for himself and for me. We sure didn't expect to get it but God had the final word and I will be forever grateful for that. I got notes from people who could not believe Samuel died just two days after this picture was taken. I got notes from people who didn't believe he would die after this was taken. He did finish coloring the picture by the way.

Even in his last moments here, I was rewarded. He was home, strong and truly himself. He told everyone goodbye; no one was taken by surprise the morning he went to Heaven. He was here and then he was gone. The interim between here and there was only minutes. I know it was his choice to step out of that body and if you're going to go to Heaven, that is the way to do it. I understand now that not hindering the process of death with medical intervention after intervention allowed Samuel to make this choice. His death wasn't a long drawn out process but instead a "birth" that Mark and I were privileged enough to be a part of. As hard as it was to switch gears from trying to save Samuel's life to letting him go, I am glad Mark and I agreed that the time had come to step out of God's way. We honored our commitment to each other to put Samuel's quality of life before our need for him to be on earth and I fully believe God honored us for that in Samuel's final days here.

If God didn't want Samuel in Heaven, he wouldn't be there. It would not have mattered what we did in those last days. Another thing that has been made abundantly clear to me over the last year is that the final "outcome" is not my concern and out of my control. That is God's worry and He has the final say. My job here is to remain faithful and diligent in the task I am given until He says "It's over." Can I look back and say I was faithful and diligent to the end? Yes. I thank God for giving me the strength and the courage to do what needed to be done for Samuel every step of the way.


I thank Him for the things He continues to teach me about Samuel's life here. I continue to be rewarded on this earth, only now that reward is a "Heavenly Understanding." In His Eyes and in Samuel's eyes, this is a love story. That still blows me away and just think how many of you were a part of it....


Incidentally, the third picture in my book is a photo taken the day after Samuel was born. He is peacefully sleeping in my bed. The words on the page say, "Welcome." The one after that is he and Anna playing on the beach.

Treasure Trip Part 6 -- The Hot, the Cold, and the Devil

We spent the first full morning at Ruby Beach. Actually, we were there a lot longer than expected. Originally the plan was to hit the beaches in the morning and head back to camp for lunch, then hit the Rainforest trails after. Well, we spent the whole morning at Ruby and everyone was starving by the time we hiked back up the cliff. We decided we had enough snack foods in the van and headed to the next beach to check it out. Beach #4 had no view. Just a trail down to the beach. So we hit the road again figuring we would check out the Kalaloch campground and picnic there. We were completely unprepared for what we found. There are many woodsy style spaces near the highway but then you drive out on the cliff's edge and every space has a gorgeous beach view. You would literally never have to leave your campsite to enjoy every tide phase of the ocean. The most astonishing part, was there were tons of spaces open with this glorious beach view and every one was calling my name. We stopped to look at how paying for the space worked at this park. It is first come first served. No reservations. Mark was told to just grab something, leave a chair or anything on the table and pay for the space. It fills up quickly as you might imagine. Well, it was past noon by then and we found a day picnic space and sat down to eat and enjoy the view while discussing what to do.

Of course, I could have packed up and moved right then but we had just gotten to the other camp the night before and hadn't even paid yet. Nor had we hiked at all. It was a 30 minute one way drive back to pack up and we had nothing to leave to save a space so we decided to go with the original plan. We would plan to head back to camp, settle up with the store, hike that evening and hit Kalaloch at check in exactly on time so we would have the best chance of a good spot. Of course, you could not reserve for the next day in advance. For whatever reason, it was a painfully hard choice for me because this place was "hot" and I knew we were supposed to be here. We ate lunch there, then headed back to the camp. I went into the store to let them know we planned to head out the next morning. That was no big deal to them. Of course we weren't sure when we were at Kalaloch if we might have to pay the third night because of the reservations. Had I known they were so lax about payment, we probably would have just moved that night.

We headed off to the Hoh trails later that afternoon. OF course the kids really just wanted to swim in the river by that point and it really wasn't that hot yet. I reminded them that they swim in the creek everyday and it isn't everyday they can come hike here. That didn't appease them much. We drove through the Hoh campground which is officially part of the Olympic National Park and it has some very nice spots too. Nothing like Kalaloch to me though. You could camp here right next to the Hoh River which would be cool. Driving through we also found the Hoh has a public corral and a horse trail so you could bring your horse and ride forever here. That sounded really awesome but I couldn't imagine Bud appreciating the long ride in the trailer to get there. Anyway, we walked the trail we had never completed previously and I don't know if it was just that we had already hiked so much already or what the deal was but it lacked the appeal it once had. It just didn't appeal to anyone this time. The Hoh River wasn't as green as it was when we were there before and the massive flooding has done a lot of damage to this area. I hiked and wondered why we weren't at the beach. This place was "cold." Samuel was not there. Neither physically nor in spirit. I never put my finger on why exactly until I posted the first Ruby pictures and what I wrote back at that time. It was Samuel who loved the Rainforest most. I loved the beach most. This trip was "for me" and the place I was supposed to be was the beach, not the Rainforest. It was the strangest feeling at the time. I don't think anyone cares if we ever return to the Hoh. That is not to say that the trails aren't fun because they are. We completed the trail we wanted to finish easily, like there was nothing to it. My heart just wasn't in it. Mark agreed that it was just kind of blah. You will note I didn't even take many pictures here. Mostly because the ones I took in 2005 were so much prettier.

We ate dinner at camp and spent the rest of the evening packing up and sitting around the fire. We were all quite tired after having put on many miles that day. We planned to hook up and head to Ruby in the morning to kill time until check in at Kalaloch. We were praying that the spot we liked best was still there. I figured that since we were supposed to be there, something would be waiting for us.

We hit the sack well before 9pm and that is when I started having nightmares. Apparently the devil gave ruining my trip one last try. The nightmare had every possible poke in it too. I dreamed I was home and received a call from Samuel's Onc who said that "Isaiah needs some surgery to remove body part A and B and his cancer is out of control." I was livid. I said, "Look here. His name is Samuel, not Isaiah. Do you think that after all these years, you might figure out our names?" That was poke #1. The fact that your child, the one you would give your own life to save, his name wasn't even remembered properly even when he was still alive. Your child who means everything to you is worthless to someone else. Poke #2 was surgery to remove something else. To that I said, "Are you kidding? No way!!" Poke #3, well of course his cancer is out of control! Wasn't it always in their minds? Poke #4 isn't as obvious to you though. Samuel wasn't with me. He was inpatient and somehow I was home. That never would have happened. And of course, in the dream, I never saw him at all. Poke #5 was that I had to call back to ask if I could just bring Samuel home to die. I had to ask. Poke #6 was that he was going to die again. The only thing worse than Samuel dying would be Samuel having to die twice. I don't know how I would do that again. I woke up and reminded the devil it is only appointed to man ONCE to die. That is it. And as if that wasn't enough, the next nightmare was that Anna was sick and dying. That one wasn't as clear as the first except that I realized how much I hate sickness and death. I do not want to go through it again with any child. Do you know, I haven't had dreams this awful in many months and none have had this amount of pokes in them. I didn't tell Mark about it either because I didn't want to give the nightmare "life" at that time. I mentioned that I had a bad dream but never gave details.

It was finally time to get up and I wasn't impressed. However, I recognized that for what it was. The devil just wanted to shake me up into a crying mess so I could not even enjoy what was to come. A year ago, this would have worked. Three months ago, this would have worked. But it didn't work on that day. I shook that off like a wet dirty blanket trying to suffocate me back into that grief cycle. No, I was having no part of that game. Looking back, I thank God for the healing He has put into my spirit because I know this not shaking me up isn't a result of what I have done, but what He has done in me.

For the record, with great blessings comes great anger about it from the devil. That was his second attempt to thwart God's plans for our trip and it didn't work. Perhaps if the devil hadn't tipped his hand to me by trying to blow us up before we even left, I wouldn't have been expecting him to try something else. I just knew by the nightmares, that something great was coming. I wasn't disappointed.

Holistic Healing Comes from Above

Last December, I decided to pursue formal holistic education. I purchased the curriculum and read through several of the prerequisite books before officially starting the lessons. I took several of the online tests given in the months before I signed up simply because I knew all the material already given my many years of study and research for Samuel's benefit. I attended one weekly class and then I put it all on hold. It was like ripping off the scabs on all the wounds I was still carrying. It was interesting and excruciating all at the same time. Every tidbit of info both old and new reminded me over and over of Samuel's sufferings. It was impossible to read, to listen and to not try to fix him all over again.

After taking three months away from it, I picked it back up this month. The curriculum begins with a brief history of the use of herbs and healing from a holistic standpoint. Holistic means understanding that the body was designed to heal itself. Coming to an official diagnosis means looking at more than just the physical symptoms It takes mental, emotional and spiritual conditions into consideration as heavily as it does the physical. A holistic approach to healing understands that often the best place to start healing is not with the physical problem, but often the emotional, mental or spiritual issue. It depends on the individual and therein lies the key......it is an individual approach, not a one size fits all.

Conventional medicine is failing us. A system of symptom management without getting to the root cause of disease isn't curing anything. Have you ever realized that most pharmaceutical drugs treat the side effects of our poor diet and lifestyle choices? If you believe that most if not all disease can be treated with diet, herbs and lifestyle changes, than all that leaves conventional medicine for is those who refuse to declutter their lives enough to find the real cause of their disease. One of my "favorite" commercials is the Alieve commercial where the person just pops a pill to cover their pain so they can go about doing the sport which caused it. My kids simply do not understand the barrage of commercials for such and such drug that claims to help one problem but then causes several new problems which seem worse than the original. Even a child can figure out something is wrong with that logic. Take one RX and you need three more to contradict the side effects. Don't worry about changing your eating habits or your lifestyle. Just go on about your daily routine which is killing you and let the pills do the rest. And we wonder why medical costs are skyrocketing, why more and more people are sicker than ever. We wonder why diseases that normally strike "old" people are suddenly striking 20 year olds. We wonder how our kids can be born with cancer. I don't find it a mystery at all. It is all a part of the devil's plan to steal, kill and destroy by attacking us at our selfish core. Drug companies are out to make money, most doctors aren't much better and the general public just want a quick fix so they can go on living it up.

This concept of holistic healing has been around since the beginning of God's Creation with Him being it's Creator. Of course this curriculum I am using barely gives lip service to the Lord other than to recount Christians who throughout the ages relied on "faith in God" rather than medicine for healing and subsequently died. I never found a useful Christian based curriculum for holistic healing and herbalism and I imagine that is because true healing is misunderstood especially in the mainstream Christian circles. I refuse to move forward with anything in my life without first understanding what God's perspective is on whatever endeavor I choose. I am uncertain as to how a person can claim to be oriented with Holistic Healing if they don't first understand God as divine Creator of everything they lay their hands on but they do. Fortunately, I am well able to take the good info from this curriculum and leave the uninformed opinions behind.

Every human is individually formed and gifted by God and born into this world as an original. There are no duplicates in God's creation and each member has a specific purpose. When God deals with you, He does so individually. Thus the way He deals with me may not be in any way, shape or form, similar to how He gets your attention. In the Torah, God provides specific instructions on how to take care of the "whole" person. That is spirit, soul, mind, will, emotions and body. While the condition of the heart or spirit is of utmost importance to the Lord, He also gave us this body to house our spirit and this earth to live on and so instructions were given for the care of everything He made. How many people do you know who buy a new gadget and refuse to read the instructions because they already know everything? Then they ruin it with constant misuse? Whose fault is that? Then they go on to leave a bad product review.... The same can be said for humans on Earth. We have the instruction manual for everything. How many of us actually take the time to search it out? And when I say, "Search it out," I mean just that. You are not going to find answers to deep issues in a simple scripture misquoted for decades or listening to someone else's opinion.

My 6th grade teacher always said, "When all else fails, try reading and then following the instructions." When it comes to our "healthcare system," not to mention countless other things I won't go into here, all else has failed. This same teacher also often bellowed, "Do your own work." Your health is simply that. Yours. You are going to have to declutter your life, take time out of your busy schedule, and dig. Don't take someone else's opinion as fact, find it out for yourself because what works for them might never be what works for you or what you need. This comes back to the question God has asked me when I ask Him to do things I think He should just do. "How much do you want it?" So I ask, "How much do we want holistic health and healing? Are we willing to do whatever it takes to get it?" It doesn't happen overnight, I can guarantee you that. It is a constant work in progress.

What to eat was always among the first set of instructions God gave His children every time their living situation changed. From the Garden of Eden, to the days after the flood, to the Wilderness wanderings, and on into the Promise Land, you will find very detailed instructions on food do's and don't's. "The Maker's Diet" is a great example of an extreme physical malfunction corrected by going back to the Biblical diet. This book was one of my first references for Samuel's diet. The information is out there. People have done the leg work for you, all you have to do is walk it out. This book is a good place to start. Taking care of one's physical body is of high importance to God. Obviously, you only get one body and if you wreck it, you live with the consequences or die because of them. Five years ago today, Samuel's entire colon was removed. He was two years old. I cannot describe to you the sorrow in the pit of my broken heart when we found out how much damage had been done to his body from one round of chemo. Of course, the people around us on this day tried to make us feel better about the utter demise we knew was on the inside of Samuel, but nothing made it better. There was nothing to be said. I stood at Samuel's side, held his hands and cried my eyes out. I knew on this day five years ago, that this surgery was the beginning of the end. And in retrospect, this surgery saved his life at that time. If he had been left like that; with his colon disintegrating and poop traveling wherever it wanted to go in his body, death was a certainty. This surgery was just the foreshadowing of the underlying issue which chemo forcefully brought to the surface. Samuel had a major GI problem with leukemia being it's side effect. If we had only known. If anyone in the medical world had known to start there rather than poison him and make it all worse. Samuel had to suffer and die for me to learn what I have learned. Talk about learning the hard way. And yet, nothing changes. Kids continue to be poisoned and parents are misled and frightened into thinking it is the only way to cure.

The body being able to heal itself is both a blessing and a curse. It depends on how you deal with it. If you ignore pain by taking painkillers, you trick yourself into thinking you are fine and you go about doing all the things that caused the pain. Keep up this ignorance, and that pain will turn into something more serious. The body will always attempt to compensate for an ignored symptom and if it is a young healthy body, you can get away with it for a time. I am certain this is why so many parents are surprised at their newly diagnosed children with cancer; they never paid much attention to any symptoms until something big happened. Like lots of bruises suddenly overnight. Or suddenly the child just couldn't breathe. Perhaps a very high fever. Then you come to find out they have had this cancer festering for months. Cancer families spend endless amounts of time thinking back to all the symptoms that they remember were there for weeks if not months before the diagnosis. There is always a symptom before a big disease. Symptoms are there to tell you to slow down, find out what is wrong, and fix it before it turns into a deep seeded disease. Instead of taking a pill for that headache, ask yourself why you have it and go from there. If you take a pain killer for a sports injury, take it and rest. Don't take it so you can continue playing. The body heals itself best when you sleep.

I could talk about diet and physiology forever but I won't because it is only one aspect of holistic health. You can eat a wonderfully whole organic diet and still be unwell. Just ask someone who is depressed how much a good diet is helping them. Not much. Hosea 4:6 is often quoted where the Lord says, "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge." We are destroyed. Some inwardly and some outwardly but we are being destroyed nonetheless. Why? In the beginning of this chapter, the Lord says " There is no truth or mercy or knowledge of God in the land. By swearing and lying, killing and stealing and committing adultery, they break all restraint with bloodshed upon bloodshed. Therefore the land will mourn; and everyone who dwells there will waste away with the beasts of the field and the birds of the air; even the fish of the sea will be taken away..........Because you have rejected knowledge, because you have forgotten the law of your God. This warning was given to Israel because of their behavior but it certainly fits into our society today. We are wasting away. The earth is wasting away with everything upon it. Evil and lawlessness abounds. Just watch the news and you will see what I mean. And God isn't talking to the world in this scripture, He is talking to "His people." His people have fallen away. His people have forgotten Him and are no longer following His laws. Why does this sound like today? Part of the problem is that we haven't been taught the things straight out of the Bible the way children were taught in previous decades. Generations before us have either missed or dropped the ball and we suffer the consequences. God hasn't changed, we have. The good news is that we can choose to go back to His basics and find out what we are missing. In the Old Testament, physical health, peace and long life were promised to those who obeyed God. Interestingly enough, "medicine" other than food-- and physicians came about in gentile nations who did not rely on God as Healer. They did not follow His laws and so they needed doctors. Those doctors often made simple ailments worse because they did not look at the body holistically. The "Christians" of late who choose faith in God over lifesaving medicine often fail because they don't know or follow God's laws. God expects you to take care of the body you were given. If you don't there are consequences to that. Guidelines to diet are explicitly recorded in the Torah. We are sick and dying because we don't know what they are or think they apply to us today. There is a place for faith and a place for obedience. We are told not just to hear but also to obey. There is also a place for herbs, for foods as medicine, and for traditional medicine itself. if it is used in a holistic manner and follows God's laws. Do you know that the original Hippocratic Oath was sworn to Greek Gods? That part was later edited out. As was the part about let food be your medicine and medicine be your food. Doing a little historical study to understand the roots of what is considered normal today may shock you. I don't want to see a doctor who swears to Greek Gods. Do you? Now, that statement might seem petty, but this is the "Father of Medicine" we are talking about whose name and teachings are still important building blocks to our MD's of today. All of our conventional medical system has never been based on a Biblical model. Never. If it was, the first thing your MD would do after meeting you would be to pray for God's direction in helping you achieve wellness. The bottom line is that if you are dependent on Rx medications to "live," you are a slave to the system. If that is the case, you should be very afraid of the managed healthcare that is coming. None of us in this household are dependent on any Rx or OTC medication--period. We refuse to be slaves to the system we abhor. Nor do we use herbs daily. Food is our medicine with a few supplements thrown in here and there if I remember to take them. Any imbalances that show up are dealt with immediately and they go away. In the rare instances where we are asked for our medication list, people are shocked that we don't have one. I am shocked at how many Rx's people take! It is much easier to listen to your body and deal with any imbalances if no synthetic substances are involved.

I often hear Christians state they don't live under the "law" because they have grace so the Old Testament doesn't apply to them. So I ask you, are we in good health? Do we have peace? Are we prospering? These are our promises according to the Bible and yet we are so far away from them. The church is just as sick, if not sicker than everyone else. Something is missing then. Proverbs 3 1:8 lays God's plan for holistic health out very clearly. My son, do not forget my law, But let your heart keep my commands; For length of days and long life. And peace they will add to you. Let not mercy and truth forsake you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart, And so find favor and high esteem In the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all your heart And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh. And strength to your bones.

In my curriculum, there is a statement I fully disagree with. "There is no medicine for the spirit." Obviously, this curriculum has been written by non-Christians who do not have the Spirit of God, the Holy Spirit residing in their hearts. Inviting the Lord Jesus into your heart and allowing Him to fill you with the Holy Spirit is the best medicine for the spirit you can get. The Holy Spirit has been guiding me for as long as I can remember; since I was a child. Whether I listened to Him or not was a different story but he was always there. So I cannot comment on their spiritual theology. They believe the spirit's main function is expansion and the ego restricts that. If the ego restricts the spirit enough, it makes the body sick. On the surface, this sounds ridiculous but scripture deals with pride and ego a lot. Pride is one of the seven things God abhors. (Proverbs 6:17) Pride goes before destruction. (Proverbs 16;18) So, if their experience is that ego makes the whole body sick and ego is connected with spirit, I find that interesting. Once you give your life to Christ and receive His Spirit, you are a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17) Born again. Spirit. The next step is to feed and nourish that Spirit and you do that by reading the Word of God, spending time with Him, learning to communicate with Him, praising Him and living your life doing His will for your life. We know through Samuel that the spirit can sustain a very sick physical body but a broken spirit cannot sustain anything. Samuel's spirit wasn't sick. Ever. But, his body was broken and while his spirit was willing, his physical body was not able. That broken body was the direct result of our lack of knowledge, medicine's lack of knowledge and optoins when it came to physical healing. I know I am forgiven for my part in all of it, and yet I still cringe over dates like today. I cannot wait to tell Samuel face to face that I am still sorry. I certainly learned from it all nonetheless.

The purpose of holistic healing is to bring mind, body, emotions and spirit into balance yet this curriculum states there is no medicine for the spirit. Not so. Medicine for the Spirit is allowing the Lord deal with it. Starting points are receiving Jesus as savior, renewing your mind to spiritual things, digging deeper, humbling yourself because we don't know everything (and in fact the more I learn, the more I realize I do not know), asking God to show you things, asking God what He would have you do. It is amazing what God can do with your spirit when you fully give it to Him to mold. Flesh is flesh and spirit is spirit and yet, while your spirit is in your body, the two are indeed connected. The project essay assignment at the end of this particular chapter was to assess your own holistic health by examining the condition of your mental state, emotions, physical body and spirit. Then determine how best to bring them into balance. I haven't written it yet but have been thinking about my holistic condition and how it has changed over the last year. It has been an amazing journey and will be an interesting essay for them to read I am certain. I will share it with you in a later post. Until then, I want you to remember that Holistic Healing comes from above. You began as a Spirit and you will leave as a Spirit unless the Lord sets foot on this earth before our physical death. The Spirit is the key to holistic health. So as God asked me, "How much do you want it?"