The Girls

The girls are 7.5 years apart.  Seems like they'd have little in common with that kind of spread especially now as Kaysha is nearing 16 and Anna has just turned 8.  Well, age is not an obstacle to love.  Their bond formed from the era when Samuel was still with us is still as strong as ever.  Together they intertwine a wonderful mix of beauty, innocence, and attitude. 

If you are wondering where Daniel is, he's still has camera phobia. 

Four Years

The dogs woke me up at 5:30am this morning.  The sun streaming into our bedroom is their alarm.  I really wanted to sleep longer.  Normally, I am not so keyed in as to what day it is so immediately upon rising but today I knew.  I saw the time and thought that four years ago, Samuel had only 28 more minutes to be with us on Earth.  It was at about 5:30am that he woke me up and said so desperately that he needed me.

At 5:39am as I was pouring the coffee into the French press, I noted that he now had 19 minutes left.  About this time four years ago, Mark and I were at his side and he was drifting between here and Heaven, sometimes playing with us for the last time, and sometimes mumbling words in a language we could not decipher.

At 5:50am as I was pouring my second cup of coffee, I noted that he had only eight minutes left.  Eight minutes was probably the amount of time that elapsed between the first seizure that I am sure removed his spirit from his body, and the second seizure where with my hand over his heart, I felt it finally stop it's seemingly endless struggle to keep fighting to stay.

At 6am I thought about how I had lived my first two minutes without him.  We were still talking to him as if he were with us knowing that the spirit may linger to listen and see.  We removed all the medical horrors from his body and dressed him in clothes he would have liked, incidentally, it was pajamas I had two sets of.  One set is saved, one set was worn for the last time ever and is no more.

At 8am, now two hours and two minutes after he went to Heaven, I was sitting in the bathtub thinking it all over.  The way it was, how bad it felt, yet how relieved we were that he had finally gotten out of that body, such impossible emotions to reconcile.  I believe that four years ago at 8am I was also sitting in the tub, in shock and in relief yet in a hurry to get in and get out before the man came to take his body away.  I wanted to sit with him for every last second I could but I also wanted to be cleaned up and dressed for when the man arrived.  I wanted to touch Samuel's body for what remaining time we had left with it, to memorize it, for all the good that did, but I did it anyway because I knew that all too soon all that would remain of Samuel were his things, and a seemingly endless supply of pain.   How was it possible that just three days before he was sitting on that couch coloring me a dozen pictures and for a few hours, we were able to pretend that the inevitable wasn't going to happen?  How was it possible that just a year before that, we thought we had seen an end to the worry of a relapse?  How did it all go so viciously wrong?

I want you to know that in the realm of the soul, there is no remedy for such agony.   There is no thing in this world that can even remotely make this okay.  To watch, no, to help the purest love you've ever known in your life die after you've spent four years trying to help him survive all the while fighting screams inside yourself to do the exact opposite; it's an indescribable torture.

And yet...

As I sat in the bathtub at 8am this morning, I realized that it had been 4 years and two hours and two minutes that I had lived without Samuel.  It was in that revelation that the sorrow for this day turned into praise to God.  Praise because I have learned to live without Samuel and by live, I mean in the abundance that Jesus speaks of in John 10:10.  Life isn't just "hurry up and get done" but instead there is much joy even in the midst of sorrow.  I can live with joy because I know that through Jesus, Samuel also lives and his joy is fully complete.  Not the shadow of the joy we experience, but the fullness of joy.  By God's mercy and grace, I have experienced the evidence of Samuel's life and joy in Heaven as well as his continued concern for us on Earth.  Our love and devotion to each other remains well intact even if Samuel does not inhabit a physical body anymore.  And thus I can attest that only Jesus is the remedy for the horrors we endured throughout Samuel's life, as well as the torturous end to his life and the loneliness we still encounter because he is no longer physically here.  That said, I must also strongly testify that it was my choice to allow Jesus to mend my soul's woes spiritually.  It did not just happen. It took a great deal of effort, sorrow and tears.  It was not an easy process but it was a process that was well worth the effort and continues to be.  It's a process that I will continue on some level until I am with Samuel again.

To have chosen to remain in a perpetual state of grieving for the rest of my life would have taken no effort at all and thus no actual healing would have taken place either.  The wound today would be just as raw as it was in 2008.   I also believe that had I rejected the comfort and healing offered by our Savior, Samuel would not be allowed to "visit" me as he does.  It wasn't until I fully gave all of the mess of Samuel's life and death to God as well as the reins to my own life that He began to let me "feel" the glory of Samuel in Heaven.  Those "gifts"from Him healed my soul like nothing in this world ever could.  I continually chose to hang on to them when sorrow wants to creep in or when a walk down a tribulation lane seems inevitable.  I hang on to them on days like today and as you see, they lift me out of the pit of sorrow so I never reach the point of no return.

For the first year or so after Samuel departed for Heaven, we found fun little surprises he had left behind but those little tangible gifts are not more.  You know, things like the banana peel thrown behind the stereo speakers, a book that was discovered with his handwriting in it after all the rest were packed away, or the best one, his headprint in the wall from where he used to play dinos with Anna.   I think we have finally reached the end of these things until someone rips out the drywall all the way down to the floor in our room where the doorknob put a hole in it and Samuel and Anna thought it was great fun to fill the hole up with toys that would fit.  Ode to those days!  

Similarly, one might think that we have reached an end to the lessons he taught us from birth to death but thankfully this is not the case.  I believe the lessons I have learned, and continue to learn from Samuel will continue until I am reunited with him in Heaven.  For these things I am so grateful.   It would take me another hour or two to list all the amazing things he taught me about myself, about being a mother, about trusting my gut, about trusting God, about love, etc, and you can read the archives of this blog and find many of them in it.  However, again I must stress that a great many of these things were learned after and/or because he died; because I chose to allow Jesus to mend my heart.  Had I remained in grief, these amazing lessons and blessings would be unclaimed, possibly lost forever and my life and my heart would still be a wreck.  And worse -and worse is still possible- the healing that God has done (is still doing) in the parts of my life that have nothing to do with Samuel would also be nonexistent had I not chosen to allow Him to mend my heart because of Samuel.  Samuel changed my life - for the better, in spite of all the horrors and sorrows.   And so Romans 8:28 has been proven in my life.  And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.  

And speaking of blessings, pieces of Samuel's spirit continue to live on in Anna. You might find it most interesting to know that she, the child that has the fewest memories of Samuel, displays many of his personality traits.   While she might not remember as much as we wished she might, the very fact that she literally grew up a few feet from him at all times is evident in her mannerisms.  So we make it a point to point out to her the things that she instinctively does that were learned from Samuel.  A piece of him is surely in her.  That's a pretty special gift, not just for us to witness, but also for her to have within herself.  

The below video is footage of our first hike of the season at Snoquera Falls.  Mark and I visited it last fall.  Anna has been expressing interest in hiking with us this year.  The last hiking she did was with us when Samuel was here and she really seemed to be a trooper.  But then all the kids enjoyed it at that time.   Last year, however, Daniel wanted to go with us but did not enjoy it at all so we weren't sure if she wouldn't do the same thing he did.  Whine way too much....but thankfully, we were pleasantly surprised.  Little hiker Dee is back after about a four year hiatus.  We did this four mile trek and she never complained even once.  She led the way just as Samuel enjoyed leading the way both literally and metaphorically.  There were so many pieces of Samuel evident in her on this hike that I wanted to share it with you.  (I just got the camcorder, still experiementing with settings and a good way to carry it the footage doesn't look like a drunk took it.)

To my baby, just a thought away. 

So many gifts you left behind for us to discover.  Thank you for all of them.  The end of your physical life was certainly not the end of you nor the beginning of a neverending sorrow.  I was so wrong about these things and I am glad that I was.

I'm also glad that you gave Little Dee so many pieces of yourself in your short life.  Though she certainly is her own person, she acts a lot like you.  I cannot think of a better role model for her to have had for the first four years of her life.  Those are some of the most important as you well know. 

I miss you.  I can hardly wait to be with you for eternity.  But until then, it is as I said it would be on this day four years ago, I know where you are and you know where I am. And you have certainly fulfilled your promise to check on us every day.  Thank you for that most.

With more love than can be expressed.
Mama

Conversations with Anna

Anna's 7th birthday has come and gone.  Kaysha was 7.5 years old when Samuel was diagnosed with leukemia, just a few months older than Anna is today.  When Samuel went to the hospital, that was when my mothering role to Kaysha and Daniel took a back seat to being mother to Samuel and Anna to a much lesser degree.  I hardly remember being Kaysha's mother through the ages of 7-11.  And lest I forget Daniel who was 5.5 years old when Samuel was diagnosed and likewise, I remember very little of his life from then to age 9.  I did the bare minimum for them during that time. 

I've always said that Anna was the one who got the short end of the stick through all of those years because while she was with me for most of it, being 7 weeks old when Samuel was diagnosed, I did the bare minimum for her during those tenderest of years.  Nurse her, put her down, rock her with my foot in her carseat, let her cry, put her in the baby swing, put her in the hammock, lay her on the hospital room floor naked on piles of blankets because that kept her the happiest.  That wasn't the "attached parenting" I was planning on.  Truth be told, we all suffered loss during those years, just each in a different way.  I see now that Anna is the lucky one; she doesn't remember the most awful days.  She doesn't remember being left to cry and forced to occupy herself for long intervals.  She doesn't remember much of Samuel screaming.  She doesn't remember how he took so much of his illness out on her.  She does remember his love and being best friends.  She does remember the day his body died.  She remembers him being here one day and gone the next.  She misses him every day but by the grace of God, she remembers many good days and few bad ones.  She was only four when he left for Heaven.

Anna is the child I was least bonded with when Samuel was diagnosed.  This precious blessing - in one instant - became an extra burden dividing my attention; both she and Samuel literally needed me to survive. It was a hard act to balance.  For years I lived with the guilt of not so secretly asking, "Why did we have her?  She makes everything so much harder.  If she'd just STOP crying."  But she didn't.  She protested most loudly when things were at their worst as if she somehow understood what was going on and she was the only one who could get away with crying like a baby, and so she did. 

This incredible understanding, this wisdom beyond her years, has continued forward with each passing day.  Who might that remind you of?  Samuel perhaps?  Most especially in the last year, there are little things she says or does that bring back pieces of Samuel to me melting my heart, drawing it closer to hers mending the gaps in our relationship.   Like him, she is thoughtful and compassionate, thankful and always willing to help out. Suddenly she follows Mark around looking for ways she can help him do little jobs around the house and it's as if she is filling in for Samuel in this respect because when he was feeling good, he did the same thing.  She thanks me for doing school with her every day.  This past month when the three kids all got the flu, after she got over hers, she sat with each of her siblings while they were sick keeping them company JUST like she did for Samuel.  I see a career in the medical field in her future.  If you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up, she'll tell you an artist and a missionary.

Just the other day, she asked me, "Mama, what do you want to be when you grow up?"  And there is was, a Samuel question.  I've greatly missed my conversations with Samuel.  I've missed the seemingly innocent but truly deep questions he could come up with and the sweet ways he'd listen and discuss as I'd answer them.   In Matthew 18:10 Jesus says, “Take heed that you do not despise one of these little children, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven."  Did you get that?  Children who believe in Jesus have angels that ALWAYS see the face of God. (I hope MY angel sees the face of God at least often if not always)  Children who believe in Jesus can and will educate adults, if only we'll take the time to truly hear their words.  After all, their angels are always whispering into their ears the words from the Father.  Ponder that amazing fact for awhile.  I know Anna's angel is always before God.

I really liked this question for two reasons.  One, because she understands something a lot of people get to adulthood and forget.  Jesus said, “I can guarantee this truth: Unless you change, humble yourselves, and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3b.  Children of God are supposed to be just that, children, no matter whether you're 5 or 85.  Children of God are always supposed to be learning, changing, and becoming more like Jesus.  We freely admit we do not know it all and are open to changing our ways as God moves us in His direction.  Admitting that you don't know everything, or that you made a mistake to your kids is highly freeing.  They appreciate knowing you are still learning too. One of the most annoying things about adults is that they are set in their ways and often immovable.  Doing something different, hearing a differing opinion is not even a conversation they will have with you.  This is not a humble childlike attitude, is it? 

The second reason I liked this question so much is that if she asked, she must not think I'm grown up yet which means either I act very immature OR she sees that I too, am still learning.  I like that she did not correct herself in saying, "Oh, you're already grown up."  Like her, I am in the process of becoming and will be until I go to live with Jesus.  Only then will I be finished.

Anna's next question made me smile.  "So, Mama, do you want to be a singer when you grow up?"  She knows I like to sing. 

"Sure, I'd love to be a singer, but you know, I'll save that for Heaven when i can sing with all the people I love.  Perhaps the better question would be, what do I want to be when I get to Heaven?"  As soon as I spoke this new question, I knew I had stumbled into something life changing.  Christians need to ask themselves daily, "What do I want to be when I get to Heaven? And what am I doing today to facilitate that."

"So, Mama, what do you want to be when you get to Heaven?"  She asked.

"I want to be a Delma," I said.

"Oh, I want to be like Delma too," she said.

And you know what?  She already is like Delma AND like Samuel.  That comforts my heart and brings me more joy than you can imagine.

Growing Up

Anna came downstairs last night in a nightgown we bought her just after Samuel went to Heaven.  I remember it nearly reaching the floor back then and how thrilled she was with it feeling like a princess's gown.  Now, this gown barely reaches her knees.  It seems like she has grown a foot in the last 2.5 years!

We celebrated Kaysha's 14th birthday last week and shall we say that the "teenager" has certainly arrived.    It's so hard to grow up when part of you thinks you are grown up already and part of you is still very much a little girl.  Ah, teenagers!  It wasn't that long ago that I have forgot what it was like.

In the case of teenagers, read this daily and trust in the Lord with all your heart....

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

 She is still a lot more little girl than woman but you try telling her that. 

Exhibit A

She loves that her birthday falls just before Halloween and is still not too old for dress up with Anna which occurs daily regardless of what month we are in. 

The two sisters continue to have their amazing bond that grew from one caring for the other when I was not available. It's incredible to see their relationship continue to flourish especially given the 8 years between them. There are times where the ages seem to meet in the middle; Anna is very much more mature for her age while Kaysha still yearns for the simplicity of childhood.

Anna lost her second tooth on Kaysha's birthday.  And when I say lost, I mean lost as in accidentally swallowed.  There's no shortage of comedy around here.

Is there anyone who cannot see Samuel's face in Anna's?  She carries with her little pieces of Samuel's personality as well.  She certainly got his heart for Jesus.

September Days

Fall is a time for the friends and family avalanche of birthdays and of course the beginning of school.  Daniel starts it all off.  He celebrated his 12th birthday last week culminating in an all-nighter with his friends playing video games in our trailer.  Ah, the taste of freedom!  They look quite chipper after staying up all night.

Perhaps, now he can fully concentrate on school.   School is such a rude awakening for him this season.   The biggest thing for him to learn is going to be perseverance and perseverance is all about attitude. 

Each of my children have been blessed with "attitude," LOL, and now is the time of molding them in such a way that they will be positive qualities, not annoyances.   I have found that as Kaysha and Daniel get older, we need to have more and more real world conversation.  Constant and often repetitive communication.  It's a blessing to me when I see things actually sink in and watch them make good choices.  It's a blessing that they have enough confidence in me as a parent to come clean when they have done wrong.  The greatest blessing is seeing them learning to be responsible for their choices and actions.   I can tell already that this is going to be quite a year for "growing up" for my big kids.

So, what does Anna think of school?

What?

Okay, that's better.

The biggest change to our schooling this year is what we chose for Kaysha.  She is schooling completely online this year with a WA public school curriculum.   She is in 8th grade, been homeschooled since 1st grade, and it is fully time for her to transition into the real world.  She would like to attend public high school next year and our agreement is that if she does well following the curriculum everyone else is following meaning getting good grades and also demonstrates that she has a good head on her shoulders as far as life choices go this year, then she can go. 

 The online school is the best of both worlds as far as I'm concerned.  She is following the public school curriculum and pace, has five different teachers she is now accountable to, but has none of the teenage drama of middle school, and still has total access to Mom as teacher too.  She is up at 7am and done by 11am with the exception of if there are projects that require extra time.  I am really liking this a lot because it frees me up to work with Daniel and Anna a lot more or take care of Bud midday since he is still needy.

What does she think about this?

Apparently, it's a good change.  As for me, I like the structure, class planning, online sessions for extra help, student forums, etc. 

While Daniel will be working on attitude and perseverance this year, Kaysha will be working on doing a complete job on things by thinking things through first, vs. rushing to get done as quickly as she can missing integral steps along the way.  Her teachers are doing a great job of catching this and sending her work back for her to "complete correctly."  So, now it is not just me nit-picking this.  Sometimes you need to hear from others before you believe your parents apparently.  Kaysha is very grade conscious as well so will redo assignments if they do not meet her standards and the school will allow for this as long as it is done immediately upon receiving the scores.  I really like this because I don't allow them to get away with handing me crappy work either; they always have to redo it.  My hope is that long term, Kaysha will learn to do things right the first time; reading all directions carefully and being diligent to take the time necessary to think things through, form a plan of attack and do a good job.

Early this week, her science teacher let her know about the project assignment for this week.  Each student had to build something, (they gave a list of examples) label it, explain the scientific process associated with it, and then answer several more questions.  At first, she was not enthused but here is where a redirection of attitude comes in.  "Let's make it more fun and less work, " I say.  At first she wanted to build a planet because it was "easiest" to build but when I started to question her about the process associated with a planet, she didn't know where she would go with that idea.  So, she decided on building a volcano instead.  I did a volcano science project in school so it was fun to watch her do hers.  (The dinosaurs were my idea, for Pooper.)

I'm really liking this role of being more supportive, less teacher-like aspect of Kaysha's schooling at this time.



Want to see it erupt?

Want to see it on video?  She submitted pictures, a written assignment and a video.

Click here to watch.

More Swimming Lessons

Anna is a fish!  She loves swimming and has no fear of the water period. 

Anna and Angus.

How would you like to be taught to swim by your favorite cousin?

Cousin Shaye just LOVES kids.

Anna jumps in and swims to the edge all by herself.

Thanks, Shaye!

Anna's Eyes

This is by far one of the best pictures showing how different her eye colors are.  Truly amazing.  Click on it to see it even larger.

Bittersweet

The kids enjoyed Angus being over and he had a good time too.  He is Mark's older sister's son and has enough "Backus" in him to fill in the void Samuel left rather well.  He doesn't mind playing solely with girls, he doesn't mind running around the house playing the latest "pretend" game, and he has a certain enjoyment of potty humor.  I told Mark that I could tell he had Backus genes simply because of his love of potty jokes to which Mark asked me, "Well then, what's your excuse?"   I don't have one but I will admit to enjoying potty humor too.

We got Kaysha a digital camera for Christmas that also takes video so she took lots of videos in which she gave Angus and Anna a script and they acted it out.  She got some pretty hilarious footage and neither kid is camera shy.  I could totally see Samuel hamming it up too.  Samuel only played with Angus a handful of times but remembered him in the days leading up to his relocation to Heaven.  He asked if Angus would come to tell him goodbye but we didn't ask Angus to come.  I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know how much Angus remembers of Samuel either so it probably doesn't matter at this point and might have done more harm than good.   As a result of  Samuel being sick for so long, we really did not get to know Angus until just recently.  Given their similar ages, it hasn't been something I was in a big rush to do because it just hurt too much, but his visit was really nice for us and for him too.  I see many more in the future.  He's no Samuel, but he certainly fits in well here nonetheless.  I was really happy for Anna to have someone here sort of like old times, except that they are new times.

After dropping him back off with Mark's parents, we took our kids out to dinner.  Part way through the meal, Anna said, "I wish Samuel was here."   We all did too.  In that respect, it was bittersweet having Angus here because after he left, the hole Samuel has left felt bigger again.

Swimming Lessons

I am sure some of you remember Samuel's swimming lessons.  He was only four at the time but he loved it.  Anna and cousin Angus are in the same class usually taught by their older cousin Shaye.  Shaye was at a soccer game today so they had a sub teacher, Shaye's good friend Suzie.  So you could say swimming lessons are a family gathering since Mark's parents usually take Anna and Angus and everyone is present to watch them swim. 

Anna is doing awesome!  She is actually swimming.  Truly swimming.  And unafraid because as she has told everyone, "I'm a fishy.  Don't you know I was born in the water?" 

Here's Angus.  He looks impressed doesn't he?

And I am not letting myself think about how Samuel should be here too.  Not letting myself at all.

Cold!  Hurry, get dressed!

Anna, Kaysha and Angus are playing up a storm.  The girls are busily teaching him all their games, games they used to play with Samuel as part of the threesome.   He is catching on quick too.   It sounds almost......normal.  And yet it isn't.

Oops, apparenty they all need to eat again....TBC.