Grief

Something that has been rolling around my consciousness as of late is that we do not know how to properly mourn and neither do people know how to give comfort to the grieving. Then we wonder why several years down the road, mourners are not much better than the day the death occurred. Where are the true Godly role models today?
I hear people ask these questions all the time in regard to mourners. Should I say something? Should I not? Should I do something? Or just ignore the subject completely? And if you're the mourner, what should you do with the grief? Bottle it all up for a future explosion or feel it in it's entirety?

The model lays in front of your nose assuming you have a Bible handy. Let me preface this post with a reminder that Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith is Jewish. He did not come to the Earth to start up a new religion but to fulfill the promises of the original. Let us not forget our Jewish heritage as sons and daughters of Abraham.
I have been studying how God's people throughout the Bible mourn a death as well as Jewish traditions today; what the timeline for mourning was and what was reasonably expected during that time. I've compared that to my own experiences, I have grieved the loss of my beloved grandmother, Delma, whom I consider one of my best girlfriends ever. Also, my brother who was killed in a drunk driving accident at the age of 27 which was like losing a part of myself as we shared the same visual handicap. Finally, my own beloved son, Samuel, who battled cancer and the unheard of consequences of chemo for four years before moving to Heaven. Being in the "cancer world" I have watched families lose their children both before Samuel and after and I have discovered some similar and alarming patterns in the grief process. Most follow the "traditions of men" rather than the "traditions of God's people" which are not helping them recover their emotional well being. I've come to the conclusion that we do not properly mourn and by doing it wrong we hurt not only ourselves but also others Worse yet, we miss out on the benefits of the comforting that only comes from God.

When someone you loved died in Biblical times and you found out, the very first thing you did was tear your clothing. This signified the tearing of your heart. Those in deepest sorrow covered themselves in ash and dressed in sackcloth to signify the blackness of their soul that the grief had caused. Anyone who came near could easily tell they were in great mourning. They didn't hide it. Life didn't just go on. They wore their grief outwardly and anyone who came in contact with the mourner was expected to find compassion and comfort them. When did this go out of style? I ask this question in all seriousness because in this day and age, it's expected that we hide our sorrows and go about our lives as if all is well when it's not. The fact of the matter is that deep sorrow makes people feel uncomfortable and they don't like to be around it. So today traditional funerals where people could openly mourn have morphed into "Celebrations of Life" and people going to celebrations wear happy colors and make it a big show as if it's a festive occasion. Here's how you know that you have went to a "show;" people reflect afterward that it was such an amazing experience and they enjoyed being part of it. They also talk about how much the deceased would have enjoyed it. Something is wrong with this picture......

When a Jewish person learns of a death, the first thing they say is called a blessing. "Blessed are you, Lord our God, Creator and King of the Universe, the one true Judge." Let that rattle around your head for a few minutes remembering that death is God's judgement that a life should end then read what is spoken at a Messianic Funeral Service for more perspective on the major tone differences between Jewish funerals and "celebrations." Funerals should be a somber occasion where the main message wills us to focus on God first and foremost for comfort as we mourn the parting of so and so. Celebrations of Life put the main focus on so and so first with God as an afterthought. At a time when sorrow and shock is most devastating, the family of the dead should only have to make arrangements for the body (which is traumatic enough as I'll share momentarily) and allow the church/synagogue to conduct the funeral service. But for these "celebrations, " the family has the added burden of having to plan everything. They choose what is said and who says it. They go to great lengths to do photo collages and videos, they choose the decor usually bringing favorite belongings of the dead as well as asking attendees to wear the dead's favorite color and playing the dead's favorite songs. Many end with everyone participating in "balloon offerings" or something similar. Some even go so far as to photograph and video at the "celebration" and then post them on the internet so that those who could not personally attend could still be a part of it. Can I be so bold as to suggest that this is idolatry? At a time where the focus should be on the giver of life and death for comfort as we mourn, we focus instead on the dead, almost worshipping them and then we wonder why the families feel so emotionally lost within a day or two after the "celebration" is over. The only people these "celebrations" comfort are those who are uncomfortable with death and grieving. For those directly affected by the death, the more extravagant the "show" the deeper the pit of sorrow afterward because from the time of death forward, they choose to put their focus on the deceased first and God second. I've watched it from afar time after time.

In the instance where a child is sick, it is easy to remain focused on God. Look how David fasts, prays and waits on God to make a decision over his son.
2 Samuel 12:15-23

And the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife bore to David, and it became ill. David therefore pleaded with God for the child, and David fasted and went in and lay all night on the ground. So the elders of his house arose and went to him, to raise him up from the ground. But he would not, nor did he eat food with them. Then on the seventh day it came to pass that the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead. For they said, “Indeed, while the child was alive, we spoke to him, and he would not heed our voice. How can we tell him that the child is dead? He may do some harm!”

When David saw that his servants were whispering, David perceived that the child was dead. Therefore David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?”

And they said, “He is dead.”

Pay attention to how David's focus does NOT shift from God to the child at the time of death.

So David arose from the ground, washed and anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house; and when he requested, they set food before him, and he ate. Then his servants said to him, “What is this that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive, but when the child died, you arose and ate food.”
And he said, “While the child was alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, ‘Who can tell whether the LORD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.”

God's judgement of death is a bitter pill to swallow, I know from experience, but the fact remains that we MUST accept His decision immediately and continue to put Him first or we'll never find true comfort.

We did not choose to have a "celebration" for Samuel because we knew it was the wrong choice for us. We'd seen it backfire on way too many parents before us although we didn't understand why until much later. We did not have a home church at that time and the church options that came to the table didn't sit right with us. We wanted to sit quietly and mourn the loss of our son and the trauma of his parting. We did not want to "entertain" nor provide entertainment for others less impacted by Samuel's death. And yes, people were upset that we did not provide them with a "service." Some locally even went so far as to have their own service FOR OUR SON and notify us after the fact. I don't know about you but to me, this speaks volumes about the selfishness of this age. These people didn't care about us, they just needed to do something to comfort themselves and based on who they were, I'm guessing they needed to comfort their consciences. (I'm not referring to the mass in NY which I gave my blessing to; this I would have attended if I lived there because it was a better option than any set before us at the time) We opted for a very private immediate family only gathering for the sake of our children. Unfortunately, we knew nothing about a Messianic Jewish Service until well after Samuel had left us but I am convinced that if you want to find the comfort that only comes from God, a service that reflects your acceptance of His decision and renewed focus on Him is the way to begin.

Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us that there is a time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance.

Funerals are not a time to push those directly affected into rejoicing for the dead's new living arrangement. Christians know their saved loved ones are in Heaven for to be absent from the body is to be present with God but the time of parting is not a time to dance. I say this especially in respect to families who have lost children to cancer or some other disease. People least affected by the death, those who feel sad for a day or two but conclude their sorrow when the funeral is over often tell those directly affected by the death, "Oh, I am so happy for your child to be in Heaven, aren't you?" I am sure they mean well but the fact remains that this is VERY insensitive to what the parents have endured. An outsider sees and hears of the child suffering and then hears the child went to Heaven and to them, it seems a blessed transition. But to the parents who endured alongside the child, and quite possibly watched their child's body die in their arms, the time for rejoicing that they are in Heaven is not yet. The agony of separation must be dealt with first.

Look at how Jesus responded to those deeply mourning Lazarus's death. It's one of the most famous scriptures in the Bible. John 11:35, Jesus wept. He went to the tomb "groaning inside." Note, he did not greet the mourners and say, "Be of good cheer, Lazarus is resting in peace." Also note that he went there with the intention of raising him from the dead but even so fully empathized with the mourners pain of separation. Death is the curse of Adam and Eve's sin; it's ugly and it's awful. Even Jesus was overcome by it's sting on those left behind and He's God!

The assurance of Heaven for the Christian means we don't lose hope while we mourn. It doesn't mean we are excused from the process of mourning the pain of parting ways. Pretending to be joyful, celebrating when we should be mourning (which is what some Christians think they should do because their loved ones are in "a better place") is deception of the soul. This adds sorrow onto sorrow. And worse yet, this harms other Christians who may somewhere down the road experience a loved one's death and wonder why they could not be as happy as you seemed about it all. Then they lay guilt on themselves because they believe they are not a good Christian. Can we not see how this behavior damages our soul right off the bat not to mention the souls of others?

Next, and this is one of the most awful things by far especially if you are a parent who has suffered the death of a child, you are expected to leave your loved one's dead body in a strangers care to be prepared for burial or cremation. Jewish custom is that a family member stays with the body. They actually guard the body until it is buried. Cremation wasn't even an option. Of course back then burial and funerals weren't a for profit business that robs what little you have left at that point. I can tell you that the one of the worst things when Samuel died was handing his body to a stranger and then thinking about it laying somewhere for God knows how long waiting for cremation. That was completely unnatural and it makes things that much worse for the griever. I sat with Samuel's body until they took it away and I hated that moment and the week that followed and still do. I wanted to bury him myself. To take the time, endure the sweat and the tears, and dig. Mark would have loved the opportunity to make Samuel a pine box as well but we did not have the option. It would have been our honor to do so. But we could not.

Funerals happened quickly in Biblical times because burials were to happen within a day of the death if at all possible. If you were living in Biblical times and happened upon a funeral procession, your duty whether you knew the dead or not, was to stop what you were doing, turn and follow the procession. What this means for us today is that if you find out about a death, whether you know the dead or not, you need to honor the dead and the grieving family by at the very minimum acknowledging it. With web sites and e-mail, this is easy to do without being overbearing. If you are not a close friend, something like, "I heard the news, I am so sorry, I'll be thinking of and praying for you" is fine. Please do not expect a response during this time or even after. Please also do not lay your own sorrows in the mourner, they have enough of their own. If you visit a mourner in the first days after the death, let them steer the conversation. Know that there is nothing you can say to make their grief easier. A quiet presence is most meaningful. Remember too that God gave us tears when words fail. A shared tear is something a person doesn't forget and means more than any words at times. I'll never forget calling a friend to tell her that my brother had been killed in a drunk driving accident and bursting out bawling on the phone. Her response was to immediately cry with me and being that she never even met my brother, that meant a lot. That was over 11 years ago and you see I've not forgotten it. Words are often unnecessary.

Refusal to honor the grieving family is saying, "My life is more important than yours." This is not what people called to follow Christ are supposed to do. In this instance read Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 You learn more at a funeral than at a feast— After all, that's where we'll end up. We might discover something from it. Crying is better than laughing. It blotches the face but it scours the heart. Sages invest themselves in hurt and grieving. Fools waste their lives in fun and games. Take a moment to shed a tear for another and learn something. Every person who dies before you has left valuable lessons about living life behind if only you'll take the time to find them. The sad fact of being human is, our greatest learning comes through tears. A person who looks and says, "That's too sad for me to know," is one who learns nothing valuable in life. Think how sad it is for the mourners who didn't get a choice as to whether or not to go through it. Be compassionate. Some of my greatest treasures that came after Samuel left were the people who took the time to express what Samuel's life taught them on paper so I could keep them forever.

There are three stages of mourning in Jewish custom. The first is Shiva which occurs usually in the first seven days after burial. This is a time when all friends and family come to the home of the immediate mourners bringing food, doing the household chores and making certain that the mourners do little else than allow reality to set in. It is a time when those deeply affected by death are in shock and thus are not expected to be able to do anything but grieve. They are not left alone during this first week. Visitors are not expected to say anything at all to the mourners, just be there and take care of the day to day mundane. Look at Job 2 and you will see that his three friends sat with him day and night for seven days and never spoke a word. Grief in that first week is heavy and there are not words to cover it. Jews do not bring flowers to funerals or shiva. It is a time of great sorrow and they allow themselves to feel it deeply. Flowers at funerals annoy me which I realized when I went to my beloved grandma Delma's funeral. She would have loved those flowers; why didn't the senders send them to her hospital bedside? Flowers at funerals are ridiculous; I don't want to see life and beauty mingled with the curse of death, just personal preference. I usually send the family something more useful. This was the only book that was actually a comforting read after Samuel left. Every book on grieving I received was garbage in comparison. We don't need books to help us focus on sorrow, but rather books that keep our focus on God. This is one that does that and so much more!

The next phase of mourning is called Shloshim. It lasts 30 days from burial counting Shiva. It is a time for continued mourning and it's considered honoring the dead by studying Torah in their place. Basically, for 30 days you mourn and set apart special times to read the Bible with friends and family. You don't party, you don't work; life is not expected to go back to normal yet. It was in this first 30 days that I read through the Bible cover to cover and it was during this time that Jesus stepped into the black pit I was living in and pulled me out. When I surrendered all to Him, He comforted my spirit and built me back up slowly His way. I have never felt the tormenting horrors of those first days without Samuel since.

When Moses died, for 30 days, life stopped for the Israelites. All they did was mourn and spend time with God. That's it. No work, no war, no parties, no joy, just mourning for all in every camp. What might that be like for the deepest affected if rather than the "live goes on" mentality that we have so easily adopted, people stopped everything and grieved along with the family while pointing them to God's Words. But we don't. We try to get people out of their grief prematurely by telling them to get out and do things, buy things, start a charity, go back to work, and even if you don't feel like it, smile because nobody likes tears. People don't like sad, they like happy and with this attitude, mourners are forced to stifle their grief to the detriment of their soul. They miss out on finding the comfort that only Jesus can provide in the deep, dark stillness that is mourning because they and those around them, do not allow themselves time to properly mourn.

The 12 months that follow the day of death is called Shneim asar chodesh. Traditionally it is for those mourning a parent but it is also a time Jewish custom observes for the mourners to reaffirm their faith in God. Mourners will return to work, and life will slowly come back to them but they and those around them don't expect happy, happy, joy, joy. They do expect that mourners will go through phases of questioning God, as well as every other black emotion possible and they allow it. In short, tread lightly and use common sense. I don't want to be invited to your kid's birthday party in the same year mine died. No offense, it's just too hard. Maybe next year. Same goes for other party atmospheres and even holidays. Every first without your loved one is like the black death over again. This is a time to be surrounded by God's people who have themselves been comforted by the Lord as they will truly then be a comfort. At the one year mark of a death, a small ceremony placing the memorial grave stone occurs. Deep mourning that affects the whole of life is concluded. This seems a perfect time to have a "Celebration of Life" because if you've mourned well and received God's comfort, you will be in a place where you feel a lot more celebratory over the loved one's lifetime and blessed that God made you a part of it. This does not mean that the pain of parting won't always be in your life; what it does mean is that you will learn how to embrace it.

Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4 Comfort is contingent on mourning. You cannot circumvent your Maker's design. You cannot fake it until you make it by propping grief up with Earthly means. Mourning demands your full attention; it will catch up with you at some point. I have not read Biblical accounts of mourners who "did it right" not being able to go on living their lives after that first year passed and in many cases, after the first month. In fact, many were made stronger for going through it. Mourning a loved one will wreck your life for a season or even several. Allow it. Instead of trying to fill your life with distractions from grief, clear your schedule as if it's your only job. Reach out to Jesus for help in slowly climbing out of the pit of despair. Don't expect that it happens overnight because it doesn't but if you lean solely on Him, you will find solid ground that will be firmer than you expected it could ever be again