Where Joy and Sorrow Meet

Life Reset

2012-01-23T12:49:00.000-08:00

Several days of snow piling up + freezing rain = four days no power, tv, phone or Internet = God pushing the reset button on our normal lives. (Pictures enlarge for your viewing pleasure by clicking on them)

It was a beautiful mess around here with a massive amount of trees down (looked like a bomb went off in some places) resulting in roads closed, whole blocks of stores closed, schools closed, towns closed, etc. all dressed up in white snowy, icy glory so much so that you could almost pretend all was well in the world and ignore it. At least we could. And we did.

We took the "reset" in stride and just had fun making a fire outside for ambiance as we listened to the amazing sounds of crashing trees all around us. (Our neighbors thought we were nuts of course)

Mark spotted this eagle surveying our neighborhood. Seeing this reminds me of Isaiah 40:28-31, one of the anthem scriptures of Samuel's life.

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

Isaiah 40:28-31

The litle dogs LOVE the snow.

Max, however, not so much.

We maybe had 6" of snow on the ground but it wasn't the snow that was the problem. It was the massive amount of ice that lingered for several days.

We actually started the fire after Mark broke a lot of the ice off our tree limbs in the hopes that the hot smoke would melt some of it before limbs started crashing into our neighbors garage. Thankfully, none of them did.

Bushalee and Bunny. (Dad and daughter)

This is the first time I've ever seen anything like this! Truly amazing.

Bud enjoyed a week without having to wear his muzzle. He was bundled up warmly as you can see and enjoyed lots of extra food rations.

As we were driving around, we saw another horse with Bud's same blanket on, only it was orange. Of course I loved it and wished I had bought orange for Bud, but with the help of Adobe, he has an orange blanket for my personal viewing pleasure, and yours!

Doesn't he have the cutest butt?

He's quite playful these days....

Especially when Mark chases him. Love this one!

Bud is really coming along training-wise and once the weather clears, I cannot wait to show you his Christmas present.

Blackberry bushes covered in ice.

So yummy!

The views from Bud's barn.

You might remember the saga of gathering wood last summer? Don't think we didn't remind our children about how all the work equated a warm home when it became our sole source of heat.

And heat is not the only reason to own a wood stove. It also dries clothes, towels, and shoes plus cooks dinner and BONUS boils water for those warm baths we were able to take for four days with no hot water heater.

Up here we have the pressure canner boiling water, the ceramic crock simmering Mexican stewed elk, and the stock pot simmering cornish game hen stock. SO yummy!

One of Mark's many talents is preparedness and I am always so grateful for that when God chooses to reset our normal. Mark took preparedness to an all new level when Samuel was here knowing it would be so much harder to care for him if we had to endure a prolonged outage. That said, we were quite comfortable and in good spirits because of all his well thought out plans and gadgets. Read, it was kind of fun! At least for us adults and even though the kids complained about their "severe lack of entertainment," they didn't starve, they weren't stinky, they didn't have to go to a "warming shelter" nor were they blinded by the darkness. The girls didn't even bother to get dressed half the of time. They sat around in jammies and read books, drew pictures or watched movies on the laptop. We also enjoyed watching the 70's version of "The Adventures of Black Beauty" where they lived a much simpler life than we do today when we weren't visiting my Black Beauty. Mark and I think we had to have been born in the wrong time period.

We all learned a few things about making the best of the resources you do have during this time that we plan to implement into our normal lives. Things like cooking on the wood stove. That food was fantastic and fun. I also really enjoyed getting up to candlelight. We'll have to do that more often. We have also had some entertaining family time that we don't usually get these days with all the blessed technology.

Our time was well spent. I'm sure everyone can benefit from defrosting their refrigerator and thoroughly cleaning it out. I know we did! Anna found magnets under the fridge that are at least four years old. It was like lost treasure in the midst of a lint mountain. We also canned the game hen broth yesterday and today I am cooking up some ham soup with it since I need to cook all my now thawed meats as the freezer became a fridge for awhile.

Aren't they pretty? Tasty too!

The leftovers will become dog treats. I love that! Nothing is thrown away/wasted.

All in all, I enjoyed the "reset." Parts of it felt like camping and parts of it felt like a vacation from my regularly scheduled life. It was a nice break from the work I've been doing for my own healing as spoken of in the previous blog. We all agreed, however, that the one thing we all missed most was access to the Internet.

We're back online! At least until next time our life is reset.

My Unwanted Inheritance

2012-01-13T11:53:00.000-08:00

I've taken a break from blogging in order to deal with my unwanted inheritance.

No, nobody died.

Let me explain a bit.....

When Samuel was diagnosed with cancer and then had numerous complications resulting in the gain and loss of body parts in order to survive, it became very important to us to accurately document the medical facts as well as our decision making process every step of the way. Our main reasoning was that Samuel was only two years old when one round of chemotherapy changed his body forever and he would not remember any of it later in life and would one day need to know the details of how his body came to be the way that it was.  We wanted to be able to provide him with every detail of how he came to inherit that imperfect physical body, as well as whatever emotional strengths or weaknesses he might have inherited by enduring it all.   My hope, had he lived, would be that he'd read the journal and not only come to a better understanding of what happened to his body, but that it would also affirm that he was never alone in any of it. That he was always surrounded by love. His entire family put their "regularly scheduled lives" on hold in order to be fully present with him when the worst things happened and continued to happen. My utmost desire was that the journal would become for him a continued confirmation of what he spoke to me days before going to Heaven, "Mama, I will always know how much you love me."

When traumas happen to very young children who do not have the capacity to comprehend them, it is your job as parents to help them cope and heal as best they can while they are still little.   Later on, as they are able to comprehend things more like an adult, you will need to help them understand the things that happened to them so that any lingering issues can be resolved. If you did your job properly when they were young, that adult conversation may still be difficult but should not leave you feeling guilty for the choices you made.  If however, you are one of those parents who believe and act on the lie that, "They'll never remember it so let's pretend it never happened," or worse, you either do not believe that the trauma occurred, or you blame and punish them for it, the adult conversation you will have one day will be much harder because your child will have recognized that much of the unwanted part of their inheritance could have been avoided had you done your job properly.

Trauma leaves footprints all over a child's life regardless of age but if it is addressed quickly and completely, those footprints will lessen over time.   However, if those footprints are not addressed and the trauma remains unresolved, its imprints deepen and follow a child well into adulthood   Even if the person cannot remember a trauma in full detail, their body's memories of a trauma will manifest as PTSD, or the unwanted inheritance.  PTSD stemming from childhood trauma is the continued screams for help from the inner child who is still fully entrenched in the trauma.   Recognizing this fact at any age is an important first step in resolving the trauma and at the same time, comforting the child who up until this moment, has not been fully heard or helped.

We worried so much in the beginning about Samuel having PTSD in hospitals or with medical personnel based on that first three months of hell. We were devastated to think that our loving, happy, outgoing, always smiling boy would likely end up frightened, reserved and easily angered by everything and everybody after that. Who wouldn't be after 20+ surgeries, people poking and prodding him at all hours of the day and night, etc?   But, as many of you know, that never happened. Quite the opposite happened. He quickly decided he liked the hospital and for the most part, he liked all the staff. He may have lost his smile for a few months, but it came back promptly. We were relieved, amazed very grateful that he never showed signs of PTSD. His spirit was never broken by any of the tragedies that befell him. I count that as a miracle but I'm also fully aware that we played a very important role in it.

I was visiting with my (former) neighbor the other day and the conversation turned to Samuel. Two of her children were very young when Samuel was here and they do not remember him. The two older ones do remember Samuel and they feel frightened when they think of all the awful things that happened to him. Frightened as in, if they get sick, maybe all those things will happen to them. We talked about how all the things that happened to Samuel were so rare and the impossibility of all of them happening to another child. I related that I've still not found another family whose child has lived through that many complications and that's when it dawned on me, and my neighbor as well: Samuel survived and even thrived as much as he did, for as long as he did, because he was loved and supported in every way imaginable. We never gave up trying to help him live with dignity and quality no matter what obstacle stood in the way or how bad things appeared.  Samuel had no worries, anxieties or PTSD burdening him. We took on all those things so that he was free to live and enjoy the good days that he did get.  Every time he got a reprieve, he never spent that time worrying about when the pain would come back. He never thought of anything beyond enjoying that moment. Every time some new woe struck, it seemed to surprise him more than anyone else.  One of the most heartbreaking days for us was the day he finally asked us why he was always the one who got sick. We knew on that day that he was finally old enough to notice (and be angry about) what he had been watching for the past four years.   And even after that day, he never gave up trying to endure it so he could stay here with us. This is such a stark contrast to the way I felt when I was his age. (6)   By then, I was tormented by my unwanted inheritance and left to sort it out under condemnation and all by myself.  The sheer impossibility of a six year old processing those circumstances shocks me to this day.  I would have welcomed the opportunity to go to Heaven.

The holiday seasons always torment me as I remember what they were like when I was a child.   Every year, my unwanted inheritance paints everything with gloom even though decades have passed. I somehow manage to smother it with busyness and the hope that there will come a year when it doesn't return with a vengeance.   But after 30+ years, it doesn't appear that it's going away on its own.   In 2010's holiday season, I made some good progress on resolving a piece of my unwanted inheritance. But as I found out this last holiday season, it was only a piece. An important piece, but a piece nonetheless. There are still many more pieces to resolve and it's never been more obvious to me that it is now time to fully focus on this. I am so tired of being burdened by my unwanted inheritance every time I turn around so this past season I did something I've never done before: I found a support group for "survivors" of this specific trauma in order to be able to speak freely about the unspeakable things that have happened to me in a place where I am actually heard and understood.

It's been very good and very painful to begin to dissect parts of this and to identify the pieces that still need to be resolved so that I will finally be able to get rid of my unwanted inheritance. I'm finding it's like untangling a large skein of yarn that has been tied into a massive knot.   It's frustrating and feels never ending and impossible at times to even grasp the gigantic mess that has been laid in my lap.   As I untangle it, I find more unexpected horrible knots tied in ways I never knew existed. I ask myself, "How did this happen? How could this happen? Who let this happen?" over and over fully knowing the answers.   Realizing this could have all been avoided just adds to the underlying sorrow of the process but knowing that people are able to release themselves from the prison that their unwanted inheritances have left them in is what keeps me going. The strength to endure this process comes from the grace, guidance, truth and covering of God.

It probably would not surprise you to know that Samuel has been very obviously near me these past months as well.   He has always felt the sorrows of my heart deeply, both on Earth and from Heaven, and never lets me carry them alone. He is such a good boy and his presence blesses me so much.

All this said, blogging will be light and sporadic for awhile while I work through some things. I appreciate your prayers.   My family is well. Kids busy with school. Bud got a Christmas present I cannot wait to share with you all, just need pics. More snow hiking with Mark coming up possibly this weekend. God is always good.

One Dream Comes True

2011-12-17T18:30:00.000-08:00

Coffee in the backyard with Bud!

Bud is doing very well! His second hoof past the laminitis hoof is nearly 3/4 grown out now. We've had a reprieve from the rain for the last couple weeks (substitute cold instead) so I've been riding on the weekends.

Part of our neighborhood tour is coming home. He finally stopped balking at the bottom of the big hill too which was very thoughtful of him.

Today, I got him out early enough to work him and then bring him home into the backyard for a rest.

He did really well here! The last time we put him in the backyard, he got so upset that we feared he might tear down the fence. He was quite calm today but still proved he can tear down the fence by grazing over it and bending it. Dear old Bud, always wanting to wreck things. That's how you know he feels right at home.

The little hill in our yard didn't slow him down at all. He walked right up it as if he were king.

He actually walked around it several times stopping once to play with the swing on the way by.

Nothing like a horse in the backyard to get all the neighbors out to visit. The girls next door all came over to meet him on the road and the lady behind us (who I never even knew had a horse) came to comment about how she always wanted to bring her horse home too but was certain it would destroy her whole yard. Bud is very friendly with everyone and stands quietly around children which always impresses me no matter how many times he does it.

All in all, Bud is really coming along quickly. He's calmed down a lot while on the roads and the trail and very rarely spooks at anything anymore. The balking is down to a minimum as well. It's wonderful to do more riding than training these days. Every ride is better than the one before it and his personality is starting to burst through on the trail as he has started to enjoy himself. He has actually gotten so happy that he's broke into a canter (which is HUGE considering the laminitis and the fact that I haven't been able to get him to canter with me on him since he was 3,) I was thrilled for that accomplishment. The freezing temps have kept many people who are usually down at the creek (where we used to take Samuel often to play) away and in riding down there last weekend, I decided it was a wonderful place to work on reining. There are tons of trees and tables to work around as well as some good inclines to work his butt muscles. The sound of the rushing water is a nice backdrop and if that isn't enough, there's the highway noise from the bridge too. There is a lot going on there but he was able to relax quickly and even surprise me with the canter which was just a bonus. He still refuses to get closer than about 20 feet to the rushing creek but we're working on it. Apparently it's still VERY scary! But when compared to the many other fears he has quickly overcome, I'm not worried about it. He'll figure it out. His curiosity bump will eventually get the better of him and he'll have to stick his nose in it and see if he can find something to destroy.

I see many more "coffees with Bud" in the future!

Skookum Flats

2011-12-05T17:47:00.000-08:00

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, we visited the Skookum Flats trail.

We visited this trail over the summer but it was one of those hikes that was photoless. Read: not very interesting. (looks MUCH prettier in the now) It's an eight mile stretch that is fairly flat and borders the White River.

There are actually two trail heads for it. One on either end of the eight miles. The first visit, we started from the closer trail head (to us). We walked well over the half way mark before turning back. There are a few waterfalls on this trail which are the main attractions but they were sparse at the time of our last visit. Rumor had it there was also a suspension bridge but we never found it. Many of the hikers we passed on the way back asked us if we reached it but we told them that apparently we did not walk far enough.

This trail is open to dogs, bikes and horses and as we parted the first time, we decided it would also be good if the kids ever want to come along as it's not difficult walking. Perhaps we'd bring a couple dogs as well.

The other thing we decided was that this would be a wonderful trail to hike in the snow. And so it was.

We and an elk herd were the only ones there. We never saw the elk but we did follow their tracks the entire way. One of them, Mark said, was lazy like Bud because he could tell it drug its feet through the snow rather than pick them up. (Bud is offended!)

The majority of this is woodsy with light grades. The snow added a little more work to the uphill but it was fine. Snow doesn't scare me anymore. In fact, I am really enjoying it.

I enjoy nothing more than doing the things I never thought I'd be able to do.

We did find some bridges on this side of the trail, but not the suspension bridge. We didn't walk far enough to meet up to the place we stopped on the last hike though. We arrived late and weren't able to walk as fast in the snow.

Every time we came to an outlook, we would hope for a glimpse of the bridge in the distance but we never saw it. Then the question becomes, "How much farther do we want to go?" Of course it would suck to have walked this twice and find out the bridge was just around the next corner.

I watch the time more than the mileage. How long have we walked? Will another 15 minutes really kill us? We'd walked about an hour and a half through mostly forest with occasional river view areas that were way too high for us to actually get down to the water. However, another 15 minutes brought us to an area where we believed we could get to the river and apparently the elk had the very same idea because it was their tracks we followed down.

Yeah! I love this.

The bigger picture. How awesome is this?

It's coffee time... This is what it's all about.

Now, it's picture time. Okay, THIS is what it's all about!

And all too soon, it's time to head back. Obviously, we never found that suspension bridge. (I love bridges)

4x4ing.

This was such an awesome hike!

There was one cliff edge on this trail that had a makeshift fence added to it. We thought it was a little strange since there were other cliffs that weren't guarded. On the way back, I actually tripped and nearly fell as I was looking at the odd way the fence was attached to the cliff. After we arrived home, I looked this trail up on the Internet to see if I could find anyone who posted a picture and/or an exact location of the suspension bridge. I did find it. Only, the storm of 2006 destroyed it. That was the same storm that took out the road to the Carbon River trail set which we visited so much with Samuel. As it turns out, the strange fence was where the bridge used to be. Well, that answers that!

On the walk back I was counting the bridges to determine how close we were to the trail head.

There were two of these.

The second one meant were were nearly there. This was the part of the trail where my knee was telling me it was done. The place where every step was an effort. I actually like this part (after the fact) because this is where hiking becomes hard and yet rewarding.

The last little bridge and we're so close! My poor camera got so cold that it froze while it was on. Thankfully we were both warm the entire time. (Of course I was dressed like the abominable snow man to stay warm. I was actually too hot most of the way.)

When Mark went to fix the camera, his body heat steamed up the lens making a few pictures a bit blurry. It's okay, I still like it. It adds "personality."

Next hike will occur when it is actively snowing....

Can't wait!

Samuel's Shoes

2011-11-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

Samuel never liked shoes. He preferred his feet to be unencumbered.

He was the baby that you'd see out in public proudly wearing his full-footed jammies so that shoes were not necessary. It was just easier that way. Trying to get shoes on a baby is always a pain but trying to get shoes on a reluctant baby is near impossible. So we never made it a big deal until after Anna was here and I could not carry both of them together. Shoes then became a must.

We felt very lucky to find these shoes with his beloved "Blue" on them. He was excited about them too. We hoped his favorite character would make him less reluctant to put them on but he still wasn't convinced. He did enjoy going places however, and after we explained that he had to wear the shoes in order to go "bye bye" his attitude about wearing them improved as long as we were putting them on to leave. He still refused to wear them at home. What ended up happening was that we'd put his shoes on right before walking out the door because as soon as we'd get them on, he wait by the door to be put into the car. If we didn't leave right then, he'd start screaming at the door to go "bye bye" and that fit was worse then the original fit about wearing the shoes.

He'd only worn those shoes a handful of times before that nightmarish eve we drove him to the hospital, shoeless, in his preferred full-footed jammies. What we didn't know on that night was that it'd be about six months before shoes would even be necessary again.

Many tears were shed over those "Blues Clues" shoes but more were mine than Samuel's. Everytime I saw them in the initial three months of his hospitalization, tears rolled off my cheeks as I wondered if he'd ever return home again, much less walk and wear them again. I just prayed that he'd live.

It took close to another year but he did get to walk in and enjoy those Blues Clues shoes. On one special trip he put on several miles in fact. On the day we took him to the Hoh Rain Forest, he took charge of the trail and was duly named "The Trailsman." He led us on that day and the sorrows of the past year were forgotten for a time as we watched what we considered a miracle. He out walked us!

Those shoes even touched the sands of Ruby Beach, where he enjoyed seeing the ocean for the first time.

He wore those shoes to the little beach in Renton where we often stopped on the way home from the hospital so he could see the ducks. These were the days he actually ran. He wanted to catch one of those ducks that seemed to transport him into his own little world where the painful reality of his life could be forgotten for a time. They were free to fly away from anything that troubled them and I wonder if he was drawn to them because of their freedom.

Samuel never walked right after he came home in 2004. He'd tiptoe, walk pigeon toed, or limp. At times he walked like an old man. Shoes magnified this and that's probably why he preferred not to wear them but by mid 2005, he stopped fighting me about wearing shoes. He had learned that shoes often led him to places where he could enjoy life in spite of reality.

Believe it or not, there were actually three pairs of these in varying sizes and when Samuel grew out of the "Blue's Clues" shoes, these were what he wore.

The first pair, I bought for Daniel off of ebay. I think they must be indestructible because not only did he wear this pair but also Samuel and Anna got to wear them too.

Samuel wearing Daniel's shoes.

We found this shoe in a smaller size locally and picked it up for Anna but I don't even remember where we picked up the larger sized one for Daniel when he grew out of the original pair. I just know that at one time, all three had matching shoes to wear and as it turned out, they were great hiking shoes.

Lake Tipsoo

Ipsut Falls

Mud Mt. Dam

Carbon River

And even the pumpkin patch. (Both he and Anna are wearing a pair in this pic.)

These shoes were never any of their favorites however. Mostly because they tied and all the kids preferred shoes they could put on themselves. (velcro or slip on or for Samuel: none) So they were usually reserved for fun outings in which there would be a lot of hiking.

Places like the Green Lake trail that had us all puffing as we hiked up and up. It was this trail where Samuel seemed to be fading fast up until Mark scrambled down the hillside to get him water from Ranger Falls and he perked right up, amazingly, and ran almost the whole way back down.

These were also great in the river basin areas because they were water proof.

He put many many miles on those shoes all around Mt. Rainier. He loved exploring...wonder where he got that?

Anna's smallest pair of these shoes were given to our neighbors. They were still in brand new condition. The mid size pair is nowhere to be found. I don't remember if I gave it away also. The largest pair, size 12, had been missing one shoe for so long that I almost gave up finding it. But last weekend while helping Anna clean her room, we found both shoes. And they are still like new. Only the right shoe even has interior foot indentations. The left shoe appears to have never even been broke in. As I said, Samuel never walked properly and Daniel didn't like these shoes much. (too lazy to tie them)

Samuel had many other pairs of shoes over his short life. Many were Daniel's hand-me-downs and because of this, they wore out and were tossed. He did like sandals fairly well and also slippers but when I bought him these boots for Christmas, you'd have thought I intentionally stepped on his toes.

He just could not understand why he'd ever need boots and he had no problem telling me he hated them.......right up to the day it snowed.

And then the dreaded blue boots were loved.

And worn.

And he enjoyed one of the best days of his life in them.

It was a day I can only call Dayenu. A gift among the thorns of his life. A day I wish we could relive again and again because reality didn't set in and ruin it.

After that, they were all he wanted to wear, rain, snow or shine.

He even took them on one last hike at Mud Mt. Dam. It was on this hike that I noticed he actually did not limp or even walk funny while he wore those boots so I decided it must be time to replace his every day shoes as they were probably worn funny.

By the time we got back to the store to buy new shoes, he wasn't walking anymore. He was instead, sitting in his stroller. His gut had been in distress for awhile and had finally manifested in it's usual painful way. The news of another relapse was just days away from this one.

When we bought these shoes, we could have never fathomed that they'd be shoes for child who was going to live in Heaven in a few short weeks. That they'd be the last shoes he'd ever pick out on his own on his last trip to Fred Meyer. We also didn't know he'd never actually walk in them. They were the shoes that I carried him in while he was dying.

There are no pictures of him wearing these shoes, they were not enjoyed. There are no treasured memories. They were just a means to an end. Many tears have been shed over these shoes for the same reasons many were shed over the "Blue's Clues" shoes. Only this time, all the tears were mine. When you buy someone shoes, you expect them to need them. Not be so sick that they can never walk in them. Not to die before they even touch the ground.

Anna has been able to wear Samuel's "Blue's Clues" shoes and all the Nikes. She has worn the blue boots for the last three years regardless of fit. She just loved them and I think that she has been comforted by being able to wear them for so long. However, none of these now fit her and we cleaned them out of her closet last weekend. They will be packed up with his clothing that we saved shortly but currently they are all sitting in a pile at the top of the stairs as proof that he lived against a world that forgets or just simply doesn't know of him. It may be awhile before I lay them to rest with the rest of his clothes. It's just too much right now. And at this time of year where sorrow is mixed heavily with joy regardless of what you may perceive on my face, through my actions or by my words, my sadness is not fulfilled. It is not over and I am not "all better" now no matter how uncomfortable that may make some. Proverbs 14:13 is so fitting. It says that even in laughter the heart may be in pain, And the end of joy may still be grief. There will always be pain and there will always be grief until the day we are reunited. Just because I don't wear it as heavily doesn't mean a tear isn't just as near.

Samuel never did like to wear shoes. He preferred his feet to be unencumbered and they have been for over 3.5 years now. While I'm happy for him to be as free as the birds he loved, his shoes still make me cry as I remember the days he walked on Earth.

In His Words

2011-11-14T20:17:00.000-08:00

Let God be true and every man a liar. (Romans 3:4)

The earth is the LORD’S, and all it contains, The world, and those who dwell in it. For He has founded it upon the seas And established it upon the rivers. Who may ascend into the hill of the LORD? And who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, He who has not lifted up his soul to falsehood and has not sworn deceitfully. He shall receive a blessing from the LORD And righteousness from the God of his salvation. (Psalm 24:1-3)

By the word of the LORD the heavens were made; all the heavenly bodies by the breath of his mouth. He gathered the oceans into a single place; he put the deep water into storehouses. Let all the world fear the LORD; let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him; because he spoke and it came to be, because he commanded, it stood firm. (Psalm 33:6-9)

“I form light and create darkness, I make goodness and create disaster. I am the Lord, who does all these things. “Shout, you skies above, and you clouds, and let righteousness stream down. I am the one who says to the earth, ‘Let salvation blossom, and let righteousness sprout forth.’ “Woe to the one who quarrels with his makers, a mere potsherd with the potsherds of the earth! Woe to the one who says to the one forming him, ‘What are you making?’ or ‘Your work has no human hands?’! Woe to the one who says to his father, ‘What are you begetting?’ or to a woman, ‘To what are you giving birth?’!” This is what the Lord says, the Creator of the signs: “Question me about my children? Or give me orders about the work of my hands? I myself made the earth and personally created humankind upon it. My own hands stretched out the skies; I marshaled all their starry hosts.” (Isaiah 45:7-12)

The Lord does whatever pleases him in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all it's deep regions. He makes the clouds rise from the ends of the earth; fashioning lightning for the rain, bringing the wind from his storehouses. (Psalm 135:6-7) He shields the heavens with clouds, preparing rain for the earth and making grass grow on the hills. (Psalm 147:8)

He sends out his command to the earth, making his word go forth quickly. He supplies snow like wool, scattering frost like ashes. He casts down his ice crystals like bread fragments. Who can endure his freezing cold? He sends out his word and melts them. He makes his wind blow and the water flows. (Psalm 147:15-18)

He made the earth by his power. He established the world by his wisdom, and by his understanding he spread out the heavens. When his voice sounds, there is thunder from the waters of heaven, and he makes clouds rise up from the ends of the earth. He makes lightning for the rain and brings wind out of his storehouses. (Jeremiah 51:15-16)

God thunders with His voice wondrously, doing great things which we cannot comprehend. For to the snow He says, ‘Fall on the earth,’ And to the downpour and the rain, ‘Be strong.’ He seals the hand of every man, that all men may know His work. (Job 37:5-7)

Look! The one who crafts mountains; who creates the wind, who reveals what he is thinking to mankind, who darkens the morning light, who tramples down the high places of the land— the Lord, the God of the Heavenly Armies is his name. (Amos 4:15)

God is truly awesome, beyond what we know; the number of his years is unknowable. He draws up drops of water, distilling it to rain and mist. When the clouds pour down; they drop their rain on all of humanity. “Furthermore, can anyone understand cloud patterns, or the thundering in his pavilion? He scatters his lightning above it, and covers the bottom of the sea. He uses them to judge some people and give food to many. His hands are covered with lightning that he commands to strike his designated target. His thunder declares his presence; and tells the animals what is coming.” (Job 36:26-33)

From the south, a whirlwind proceeds, out of the icy north winds. From the breath of God ice is produced, and a wide body of water is frozen. He also loads the clouds with moisture, scattering his lightning with the clouds. It whirls about in circles at his direction to accomplish all that he commands throughout the surface of the entire world, whether for discipline on his land or to demonstrate his gracious love, he causes it to be realized. (Job 37:9-13)

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained; What is man that You take thought of him, And the son of man that You care for him? Yet You have made him a little lower than God, And You crown him with glory and majesty! You make him to rule over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet. (Psalm 8:3-6)

The Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He stores up sound wisdom for the upright and is a shield to those who walk in integrity—guarding the paths of the just and protecting the way of his faithful ones. You will understand what is right, just, and upright—every good path, for wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. (Proverbs 2:6-10)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not depend on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own opinion. Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. This will bring healing to your body, (Proverbs 3:5-8)

A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

If a man’s steps are directed by the Lord; how then can anyone understand his own way? (Proverbs 20:24)

Lord, Direct my footsteps by your promise, and do not let any kind of iniquity rule over me. (Psalm 119:133)

My feet stay where his footsteps lead; I kept on his pathway and haven’t turned aside. I haven’t wandered away from the commands that he has spoken; I’ve treasured what he has said more than my own meals.” (Job 23:11-12)

Because my steps have held fast to your paths, my footsteps have not faltered. I call upon you, for you will answer me, God. Listen closely to me and hear my prayer. Show forth your gracious love, save those who take refuge in you from those who rebel against your sovereign power. Protect me as the most precious part of the eye; hide me under the shadow of your wings (Psalm 17:5-8)

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, making the Lord his trust. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by a stream. He won’t fear when the heat comes, his leaves will be green. In a year of drought he won’t be concerned, nor will he stop producing fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

How joyful is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding, because her profit is better than the profit of silver, and her yield than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire compares with her. Long life is in her right hand, and in her left are riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peaceful. She is a tree of life for those who embrace her, and whoever clutches her tightly will be joyful. (Proverbs 3:13-20)

Indeed, what a man does is always in the Lord’s presence, and he weighs all his paths. (Proverbs 5:21)

A man’s steps are established by the LORD, and the LORD delights in his way. Though he stumbles, he will not fall down flat, for the LORD will hold up his hand. I once was young and now I am old, but I have not seen a righteous person forsaken or his descendants begging for bread. Every day he is generous, lending freely, and his descendants are blessed. (Psalm 37:23-26)

I lift up my eyes toward the mountains— from where will my help come? My help is from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth. He will never let my foot slip, nor will my guardian become drowsy. Look! The one who is guarding Israel never sleeps and does not take naps. The Lord is my guardian; the Lord is my shade at your right side. The sun will not ravage me by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will guard me from all evil, preserving my life. The Lord will guard my goings and comings, from this time on and forever. (Psalm 121)

For who is God but the LORD, and who is a Rock other than our God?— the God who clothes me with strength, and who makes my way upright; who makes my feet swift as the deer; who makes me stand on high places. You have given to me the shield of your deliverance, and your right hand holds me up; gentleness made me great. You make a broad place for my steps, so my feet won’t slip. (Psalm 18:31-36)

I waited expectantly for the LORD, and he took notice of me and heard my cry. He plucked me out of a pit of confusion, even out of the quicksand; he placed my feet on a rock and established my steps. He put a new song in my mouth, to our God! Many will watch and be in awe, and they will place their trust in the LORD. How blessed is that strong person who places his trust in the LORD, and who has not acknowledged the proud nor resorted to lies. LORD, my God, You have done great things: marvelous works and your thoughts toward us. There is no one who compares to you! I will try to recite your actions, even though there are too many to number. (Psalm 40:1-5)

Worship the Lord in holy splendor; tremble before him, all the earth. Declare among the nations, “The Lord reigns!” Indeed, he established the world so that it will not falter. He will judge people fairly. The heavens will be glad and the earth will rejoice; even the sea and everything that fills it will roar. The field and all that is in it will rejoice; then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy in the LORD’s presence, because he is coming; indeed, he will come to judge the earth. He will judge the world fairly and its people reliably. (Psalm 96:9-13)

Hear my cry, O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been a refuge for me, A tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)

Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous person his thoughts. Let him return to the Lord, So he’ll have mercy upon him, and to our God, for he’ll pardon abundantly. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and are your ways my ways?” declares the Lord. “For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. For just as the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, yielding seed for the sower and bread for eating, so will my message be that goes out of my mouth— it won’t return to me empty. Instead, it will accomplish what I desire, and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. For you will go out in joy, and come back with peace; the mountains and the hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees in the fields will clap their hands. Instead of thornbushes, pine trees will grow, and instead of briers, myrtles will grow; and they will be a sign for the Lord, and an everlasting name that will not be cut off." (Isaiah 55:6-13)

Be in awe, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted throughout the Earth. (Psalm 46:10)

Trust in the LORD and do good. Dwell in the land and feed on faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:3-4)

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In My Words

Thank you, Lord, for such a magnificent day! One of the best! Dayenu! I am still in awe of the Snoquera Trail and all it's unexpected treasures. I felt Your presence so strongly there as You fulfilled the desires of my heart on this day. Desires I didn't even know were there in fact! The rain held back, the snow fell lightly, and the whirlwinds at the top were amazing and awe-inspiring. They were so brisk and strong, it was like we had entered another world there for a few minutes. As my beloved said, "Everest!" I loved that part the most and was not afraid though those winds should have terrified. The fall colors and textures of rock among leaves, moss and snow delighted my eyes and soul. I couldn't help but take many pictures as the views were so pleasant and unexpected. Of course, my beloved leading the way provided further joy and beauty to each scene as we ascended and descended. Thank you for keeping our physical pain at a minimum and special thanks for not letting "the magnet" take me off the cliff - You know the spot I'm referring to. The whole day was nourishment to my soul and You never fail to teach me as I walk.

As we were heading back down the mountain, Mark said to me, "I wish 'so and so' could see you hiking like this. Wouldn't they be amazed?" We've had this conversation before (in regard to the fact that I'm legally blind and hiking on mountain tops) but this time my answer was much more thought out. In fact, my answer to that question had been on the tip of my tongue for the entire hike. Only it was more about You than me, Lord.

I said, "No, they wouldn't be amazed. They'd find some way to twist the accomplishment into an ash heap or make it all about them regardless of how magnificent it might be, simply because 'I' did it." Mark agreed unaware that He had just entered into a conversation that You and I had been having for the entire ascent.

This is exactly how so many people treat You, Lord. Even those who say they know You. (1 John 1:6) They twist the marvelous works of Your Creation into allegories or random accidents. They call the warnings and/or blessings ascribed to us through Your presence in weather, "Mother Nature."   They refer to Your Word as outdated, useless and defective and thus refuse to read anything containing it - including this entry. "Jesus" is a swear word and calling sin what it is equates to a hate crime. They label Your truth a lie, Your morals perverse, and Your laws too cumbersome, while they embrace "The Liar" distinguishing themselves as enlightened - even gods. They fail to perceive that rejecting parts or all of Your truth is inviting disaster, even total destruction.

It really doesn't matter what You do, they despise it. Certainly, it is these whom You warned us not to share our pearls with. (Matthew 7:6) Assuredly, Psalm 18:25-26 is also true: to the holy, You show Your gracious love, to the upright, You show yourself upright; to the pure, You show Yourself pure, and to the morally corrupt, You appear to be perverse.

I know how You must feel - to a much lesser degree of course. This is that "shared suffering" You speak of here (1 Peter 4:12-14) and You are certainly my promised comfort in that. I am also aware that this no grand surprise to you. (Romans 1:18-23) And while I am disturbed by the various ways Your glories are trampled here on Earth, I also pity those who will never truly know You.  Furthermore, I pity the ones who believe they know you while their deeds and confessions prove they obviously do not. Those who profane Your Name in this manner while claiming to be Your children are the hardest to turn back to You.

But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand;   Deliver me from the hand of my enemies and from those who persecute me. Make Your face to shine upon Your servant;   Save me in Your lovingkindness.   Let me not be put to shame, O LORD, for I call upon You; Let the wicked be put to shame, let them be silent in in the grave.   Let the lying lips be mute which speak arrogantly against the righteous with pride and contempt. How great is Your goodness which You have stored up for those who fear You, which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You before the sons of men! You hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the conspiracies of man; You keep them secretly in a shelter away from the strife of tongues. Blessed be the LORD! (Psalm 31:14-21)

Amen and Amen.

Psalm 104:1-35

Deliberately in Love

2011-11-08T19:24:00.000-08:00

God chose the birthday of my beloved to be 40 some-odd years ago yesterday, approximately 4.5 years before my birth.   While I was making his birthday feast yesterday, I couldn't help but ponder whether God had knit Mark together with me in mind, or if He had knit me together a few years later for Mark; as if the answer to that question really makes any difference in the grand scheme of things. (like the chicken and the egg dilemma) The conclusion I came away with is the one I always come away with when I think of Mark; I don't know where I'd be today, much less who I'd be today, if God hadn't planted Mark into my life, as my beloved husband. He fulfills me and he frees me, all at that same time. Not a day goes by that I don't stop and marvel, at least once but usually many times, at the incredible blessing our relationship is. In spite of all the hardships we have endured, our relationship remains fresh, vibrant, exciting, thoughtful, gracious, joyful and brimming with love.

These are qualities people we encounter notice and comment on. We receive their words always as a compliment.   Many simply say, "You guys sure have something special." Others tell me, "I cannot ___ with my husband the way you ____ with Mark." (There are a multitude of ways to fill in those blanks but the majority of comments have to do with communication)   One of my favorite comments came about a year and a half ago from a man we met through a business transaction. He assumed we were newlyweds and was shocked to find out that we'd been married over 14 years. He said, "Wow! You guys act like newlyweds. My wife and I act, well, old."

As I give thanks for Mark's birth and place in my life, it seems fitting to receive yet another comment/compliment - from Daniel.   He was trying to annoy Kaysha the other day by telling me she said she was "madly in love" with a boy down the street. I can always tell Daniel is ~~lying~~ making stuff up because his tone of voice changes and he cannot hide the goofy grin on his face so I asked him, "So what do you know about 'madly in love'?" That took him aback for a second. He's the kid who likes to test whatever the latest slang is and most of the time, he doesn't even think about what it means before he says it. I have found that nothing stops his childish blabbering like some adult questioning so I pressed him further. "Just who do you know that is 'madly in love'?"

"Uh," he stammered, "well, I know you and Dad are madly in love."

"And who else do you know that is 'madly in love' like we are?"

A few seconds elapse before he says, "No one."

While for Daniel, this little conversation was just another lesson to file under "diarrhea mouth" (a term my 6th grade teacher used to fondly call idle foolish chatter/gossip) for me this offered a rare glimpse of his impression of us as a couple, not as his parents. It's a nice thing when people we meet remark positively about our relationship but it's a huge blessing when our kids notice. Unlike the adults, they are still impressionable, and more than that, no one knows you like the people who live with you.  Your kids know what you are like when there's no "audience."   That said, I remember my parents' marriage vividly and let's just say they were NOT 'madly in love.' Mad at each other often, yes. In love, no.   I always promised myself growing up that I'd never live in or foster that kind of environment, and I don't.   I'm thankful to God each day that He has fulfilled this desire of my heart so wonderfully.
I know that our Heavenly Father is the giver of good gifts; gifts which He gives to all who live on Earth. (Luke 11:13, James 1:7)   It is after all, His goodness that draws us to Him. (Romans 2:4) Once we've received any gift from Him however, it is up to us to care for it properly in order to receive benefit (blessing) from it, or to benefit (bless) others because of it. (Matthew 25:14-28)  Blessings do not result out of ignorance, carelessness or woeful disobedience.  These behaviors result instead in the revocation of the original gifts. (Matthew 25:29)

The other side of the promise in Matthew 25:29 is multiplied blessings for he who uses his gifts from God wisely. Obedience = blessing. As I daily count the blessings I receive from my marriage and marvel at how they've seemed to multiply faster and faster each year, I only need to read this scripture to understand why.  God gave us the gift of each other and to fall 'madly in love' (that is such a stupid phrase) is easy. To stay 'madly in love' requires deliberate effort.

I would not say we are 'madly in love' but instead "deliberately in love." We have gotten out of our marriage exactly what we have sown into it. Our treasured relationship is the result of years of deliberate actions to nurture, to bless, and to build up. Deliberate efforts to communicate effectively, to forgive and to compromise. I could continue the list for many lines but I believe the most important "deliberate" is to do everything together. It's impossible to "grow apart" when you cleave together.

Every year I mark where we are in our relationship as certain anniversaries come and go and every year I always end with "I just cannot imagine this could be any better" and a year later, I eat those words because we continue to grow closer, stronger, and more deeply fulfilled. I cannot imagine my life without Mark in it. I would not want to. On that note, I think I'll start a new trend and write that I cannot wait to experience another year's worth of blessings from faithfully cleaving to my beloved.

Song of Solomon 5:10-16
My beloved is dazzling, with a dark and healthy complexion, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is pure gold, his hair is wavy, black like a raven. His eyes are like doves by streams of water, bathed in milk, mounted like jewels. His cheeks are like beds of spices, like towers of perfume. His lips are lilies, dripping with liquid myrrh. His hands are rods of gold, set with beryl. His stomach is carved ivory, inlaid with sapphires. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice like its cedars.His mouth is sweetness, and all of him is desirable. This is my beloved, this is my friend.

Happy Birthday to my beloved who is also my best friend.
With all my love,
Jen

Hands Full - Proclamations

2011-11-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

Psalm 101 (ISV)

David's Proclamation

1. I will sing about gracious love and justice; Lord, I will sing praise to You.

2. I will pay attention to living a life of integrity— when will I attain it?

3. I will live with integrity of heart in my house. I will not even think about doing anything lawless; I hate to do evil deeds; I will have none of it.

4. I will not allow anyone with a perverted mind in my presence.

I will not be involved with anything evil.

5. I will destroy the one who secretly slanders a friend. I will not allow the proud and haughty to prevail.

6. My eyes are looking at the faithful of the land, so they may live with me; The one who lives a life of integrity will serve me.

7. A deceitful person will not sit in my house; A liar will not remain in my presence.

8. Every morning I will destroy all the wicked of the land, eliminating everyone who practices iniquity from the Lord's city.

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I just started reading the Psalms in the International Standard Version and Psalm 101 jumped right off the page as one that needed to not only be memorized, but nailed to the doorposts and tacked to bedroom walls as a constant reminder of how we are to live. If some of the verses seem a little harsh to you, remember that David wrote this when he was King of Israel. I was strongly moved to rewrite it for myself. See below.

Jen's Proclamation

1. I will sing songs of praise and thanks to You, God, for I am nothing without You.

2. I will remember that people are always watching my "godly" example. When will I ever stop saying cuss words?

3. I will live innocent of evil within the walls of my home. I will never even consider doing anything disobedient to You. I hate sin and wish it be eradicated from my house.

4. I will not entertain perversion in my house, nor will I be involved in it.

5. I will expose the one who stabs the backs of friends or family members. I will not ignore two-faced arrogance.
6. My eyes are looking for faithful, godly friends to surround me, my children and my husband. Anything less will not be established.

7. A deceitful person will not set foot in my house and I absolutely detest liars.

8. Every morning I will destroy wickedness from within my home by reading and obeying Your words and teaching all those You have placed in my care to do the same.

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Tomorrow, I am going to have Kaysha and Daniel write Psalm 101 as David wrote it, then write their own proclamations using Psalm 101, using David's and mine as a framework. Once they have them perfected, I am going to tack them up, each in a place they specifically spend a ton of time in, so that they will see and read them daily. I'll let you know how they turn out!

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"Hands Full" is my Thursday blog feature about the full time job of raising children according to God's Word. If you are a Christian parent who has chosen to forgo materiality to put your children first by being home with them, who may also homeschool them (an often thankless job the worldly show lowest esteem for), you will find this feature both an exhortation and an encouragement to keep living out the will of God. You will also find that, if you allow it, God will use your own children to teach and correct YOUR relationship with Him. Please feel free to share the link.

Advice on Cancer Treatment

2011-10-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

I've recently "met" a family online whose two year old child was diagnosed with leukemia earlier this year. After suffering some unpredicted side effects of chemo that led to numerous surgeries to correct the issue (that still remains an issue), the family has decided to discontinue chemo and pursue Chinese medicine as the primary cancer treatment for their child. (Yeah!!!) Thankfully, they live in a country that doesn't force poison treatments if the family refuses. However, because chemotherapy is still considered the only "cure" for cancer, they have found they don't have much support for their decision so I'm grateful that they found me (and they are too) since refusing chemo, in the eyes of most, is regarded as choosing to voluntarily allow your child to die.

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

"Just save his life. Worry about the consequences later." This was the advice given to me by my dad AFTER Samuel survived all the initial complications of chemo and we were agonizing over how to proceed "treating" his leukemia without killing him or doing more damage to his fragile body. My dad's advice is the advice of the majority and we heard it often.   "Cure" the cancer and worry about the consequences of that cure down the road. The thing was, the consequences for Samuel, unlike the majority of kids getting chemo, were already upon us and they were devastating. They weren't saved for five to ten years down the road and on top of that, we had little help managing them because they were simply unheard of.    Yet, we were still asked by our "caregivers" if it was fair to Samuel to go through all those miserable side effects that nearly killed him and then NOT treat his cancer leaving him a "ticking time bomb for relapse."  As if cancer was somehow worse than the horrible consequences of "the cure for cancer" he would have to live with the rest of his life. (The consequences that consequently ended up costing him his life.)

These people absolutely refused to recognize what was right in front of them; chemo is poison and our child's body was having a normal reaction to poison. It was being destroyed. It was dying. Not being "cured." Maybe other children were doing okay (and I use "okay" here loosely) and perhaps other children will be "cured" *(meaning live five years beyond their diagnosis date 2-3.5 years of which would be "lived" undergoing chemo), but the fact remains that that child will suffer many long-term consequences from treatment, one of which is that they will be much more prone to cancer, until the day they die.

So our question back to these people was, was it fair to put him through the now known torture of chemo given the horrors he had already endured, and the far worse things that were sure to happen to him if we continued, with no guarantee of a life long cure? Was living with cancer really so much worse than the supposed cure?  The answer to these questions was rhetorical at that time. I continually battled doctors who were willing to ignore or play down every visible side effect from chemo Samuel suffered in order to justify continued poisoning.

Cancer, as well as any other devastating long term illness or physical handicap, does one thing especially well; it reveals the motivations that reside deepest, not only in your heart, but in the hearts of those who surround you.   In Luke 6:45, Jesus says, "The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart."   Jesus warned us to speak carefully, Matthew 12:37, "For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” As more and more time elapses, I see the underlying motivations of the thinking and advice of all parties (us included) much clearer.   Considering that we live in a Biblically illiterate, self-fulfilling, godless world, it is no great revelation that the majority of advice we received was rooted in pride. What has become of "do unto others" or "love your brother as yourself." (Luke 6:31 Luke 10:27) The Golden Rule has become a foreign concept and one which sadly, the few who still cling to it, are scoffed at for.

"Cure his cancer," was spoken as if WE or THEY had the power to cure it. (we saw how well that worked out) As if chemo was Samuel's only hope for life. Please.....poison was his only hope? How do people still not see the err in this? I find all this sickening today for a variety of reasons that can all be summed up as follows; only God can cure cancer and only God controls who lives or dies. We do not "own" and thus have little control over the destiny of our lives or our children's lives. God rules. We do not. It really doesn't get any more simple than that yet very few want to admit reality. Ever wonder why that is? (Hint: Genesis 3:5) I wonder if there'd be less cancer if we could just figure this out and live like it.

"Worry about the consequences later." While I knew "cure his cancer" was wrong when I heard it spoken, the deeply-seeded error wasn't as obvious to me initially as the error in second part of this advice was. This statement has got to be one of the most selfish things you could say in regard to someone elses body. As someone who has been legally blind since birth, I've experienced first hand how easy it is for people to dismiss the reality, severity and complexity of my handicap because it does not directly affect them and it was nothing compared to what Samuel was facing. It was this statement that not only deeply angered me, but also fully awakened me to how I needed to make decisions as well as participate in Samuel's care.  I know God overlooked many of my mistakes in Christianity (love covers a multitude of sins 1 Peter 4:8) during that time because I chose to listen and obey the still small voice in my heart that cried out for compassion, empathy and quality of life for Samuel vs. listening to the doctors who cried out for poison, poison and more poison. (and some even implied I was a bad mother for choosing quality of life vs. "cure" and boy do I have a scripture for them. James 4:17, It is sin to know what you ought to do and still not do it. In the end we all have to answer to God. How many easily dismiss that truth?)  As we all know, pride goes before a fall and God did not disappoint. (Proverbs 16:18) How many times did God allow our "caregivers" to remain confounded and useless while He led us to the solutions for Samuel's many problems. (1 Corinthians 1:20-27) You know, little things like getting his leukemia in remission without any chemo...

I don't write these things to puff myself up with pride. They are matter of fact. They happened by God's hand. There isn't a day I don't look back and marvel at some of the things He allowed us to accomplish - me to accomplish.   But even so, after all was said and done, and Samuel died anyway, I wondered what the point of it all was. The things we accomplished, the things we learned about diet and cancer were meaningless and easily dismissed by anyone and everyone without Samuel as living proof. Yet, sometime in the second year after Samuel's death, the importance of the knowledge we gained quickly paled in comparison to the continued revelation of Samuel's love. The love that gave us all the strength, the will, and the endurance to never give up no matter how terrible and futile things looked, no matter what the world said or thought of us, until God made it clear that it was over. The love led to miracles. Surely 1 Corinthians 13:7-8 is proven. Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen.

Our society assigns inordinate value to the things of this world which will be meaningless in eternity. (Luke 16:15)  People live as if the accomplishments in this life are the be all end all and the only reward we get.   Thus, they live their lives as if this one life, is all we get.   Death is their ultimate enemy.  They are willing to do whatever it takes to stay alive as well as keep those who are in their control, alive as well. No matter the cost. This is what Jesus said will happen to people who love this one life, "He who loves his life will lose it." (John 12:25-26) He goes on, "he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor." We are to love and serve God. Not ourselves in this life. (Mark 8:35-38) It is the reality of Heaven and eternity that made the scare tactics of Samuel's "caregivers" who often said, "if he doesn't finish his chemo, he will die," a useless weapon to force us to do their will. Death, for the Child of God, is gain. (Philippians 1:21) Samuel gained eternal life and he lives in the fullness of love and joy. Very occasionally, he is somehow allowed to shower me with that love and joy so that I am reminded that I chose the only real life there is for him. It is that love and the knowledge that every decision I made for Samuel was motivated by that love, that allows joy to overcome the sorrow of our separation.  That love reassures me that I always chose "life" for Samuel and that was all God asked of me. This knowledge brings me much peace and joy today.

7.5 years have passed since "cancer" reared its ugly head in our lives. In that time, way too many of the children I came to know have either relapsed or died. Of the ones who are still living, every single one carries a physical reminder of cancer with them in the form of "long term side effects."  They and their families are continually haunted by the fear of relapse and so I question - who is better off? The families who have lost children, the families who are still slaves to the cancer system, or the families who whose lives are crippled by the fear of relapse? My answer to that question is that the ones who are better off are those who walked through the trial of "cancer" remaining faithful to that still small voice in their heart (Jesus), no matter what the advice of the world was, no matter how difficult the ordeal was and no matter what the outcome was.

That said, the above has been my main advice to this family who has contacted me.  In the grand scheme of things, the choice of their child's cancer treatment, the outcome of their child's cancer treatment and any knowledge they gain along the way, will not be of any comfort to them when all has been said and done if they did not listen to the still small voice in their heart that is trying to guide them toward decisions motivated by Agape. I cannot make those choices for them nor will I violate their conscience. The direction God asked us to walk may not be the direction He asks others to walk.  They must choose the path they will travel for themselves and they must live with those choices.   I can pray for them. I can come alongside them in spirit and in prayer and I can ask you to do the same. The little girl's name is Megan. Will you pray for her and her family with me as they navigate this?

What I offer them and you is advice from my overall experience.  The heart's satisfaction and peace in this life is not gauged by whether we win or lose, live a long life or die young. God alone decides these things and we do not.  What we can decide, what we can control, is how we live our life. Will we obey or disobey Him? Will we be faithful in the small things as well as the large things? Or will we cave to worldly pressure? (Luke 16:10)   It is only by our faithfulness and obedience to Him that we gain satisfaction and peace in our hearts no matter the outcome of our circumstances.
Psalm 34
I will praise the Lord at all times.
I will constantly speak his praises.
I will boast only in the Lord;
let all who are helpless take heart.
Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness;
let us exalt his name together.
I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears.
Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
he saved me from all my troubles.
For the angel of the Lord is a guard;
he surrounds and defends all who fear him.
Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!
Fear the Lord, you his godly people,
for those who fear him will have all they need.
Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry,
but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.
Come, my children, and listen to me,
and I will teach you to fear the Lord.
Does anyone want to live a life
that is long and prosperous?
Then keep your tongue from speaking evil
and your lips from telling lies!
Turn away from evil and do good.
Search for peace, and work to maintain it.
The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right;
his ears are open to their cries for help.
But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil;
he will erase their memory from the earth.
The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.
For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous;
not one of them is broken!
Calamity will surely overtake the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be punished.
But the Lord will redeem those who serve him.
No one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

Hands Full - Be a Godly Mother

2011-10-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

A couple weekends back, Mark and I had dinner with some friends who are expecting their first baby in early December. They have chosen to have their baby at a natural birth center near us, one in which my midwife, Toni, used to work as a back up midwife on occasion.  This was my first occasion to meet this couple and they reminded me a lot of Mark and I back when we were expecting Kaysha's arrival.

They had a neat and tidy, simply furnished, cozy home in the country complete with one dog and two cats, one of which isn't going to be baby compatible but they have yet to fully grasp what that means. The baby's room wasn't quite ready and other than "Susie's" growing tummy, there wasn't much evidence that a baby is soon to join them.  She said relatively little about her new son but we conversed quite a lot about our animals which was fine. This was not a bad thing. It just means the reality of parenthood and what that entails is not yet known to her.  She has prepared for what she understands thus far and that is all she can do. There are more than enough resources on pregnancy, birth, and baby necessities, but as far as becoming a parent goes, nothing in a book or on a message board prepares you for that except being that.

Like them, Mark and I put our all effort into maintaining a healthy pregnancy, gathering basic baby supplies and preparing for a homebirth. Beyond that, we were pretty clueless about what life would be like when Kaysha finally arrived.   As I'm writing this, it is October 19th. 15 years ago today, Mark and I went shopping for the last time as a married couple without children. Of course we didn't know it at the time. Even though my due date was November 7th, we knew we needed to get some loose ends tied up before Kaysha arrived as I was already dilated to 4cm at my 37 week appt. We needed new tires for our truck and new boots for me as both were very worn out so we spent a good portion of that Saturday getting these things out of the way.  We arrived home at about 7:30pm and around 8pm, my water broke. It was exciting and shocking all at the same time. I couldn't help but think, "Are we ready for this?" And I didn't just mean the birth.  At 6:33am the next morning, we became parents. At 10am, everyone who attended the birth left and it was just Mark, Kaysha and I. It was still exciting and shocking, but you could now add frightening to the mix.

Susie wondered out loud if she could love her son as much as she loved her golden retriever. I think she was a little embarrassed that she said that out loud but I assured her that I wondered the same exact thing when I was carrying Kaysha.  I couldn't help but think back to how I felt about Kaysha after she was born. Love was there - somewhere in the background - but mostly what I felt was fear, uncertainty and very much like a failure.

She was born 3 weeks early and did not nurse well. As a result, she cried a lot and we didn't know why until she was a two days old and had went from 7'4" to 6'2". It was scary. Toni had me pump and bottle feed which was horrible and Kaysha never learned to nurse which was even worse.   Mark wasn't able to take any time off from his job in the days after the birth (because we could not afford it) so I was alone that first three weeks trying to cook, clean, and take care of my brand new baby who screamed from a colicy tummy nonstop. I ended up returning to work four weeks post-partum and brought Kaysha with me. That was a disaster as well because she slept in the car but cried in the office. I got nothing accomplished other than to feel more and more like a failure. At 7 weeks old, I started dropping her off with Mark's Dad three days a week, with formula, so I could go to work.   So much for the bliss of a "babymoon."   I felt guilty for leaving her and like a horrible mom when I picked her up.   It was miserable!

I asked Susie if she had family close by to help them after their son arrives and it sounds like they do, but we had a lot of family nearby too, yet Mark and I struggled through the first weeks of Kaysha's life pretty much on our own and it was awful for the most part.  I couldn't help but wonder if Susie has anyone who would truly be helpful to her or if after the newness of the baby's arrival wore off, people would just disappear leaving her to figure it all out for herself. Knowing how that scenario plays out, I hope that is not the case.

Sometime after Kaysha was born, an experienced mom, Teri, who I "met" through a message board while I was still pregnant, tried to console me in some of my saddest moments - the ones where I said I'd never have another child. She told me I needed to have at least two children: one to learn on and one to enjoy and let heal my heart.  She promised me, the second one would be completely different though I wasn't sure I believed her.  Yet, something inside me warmed to the idea and we tried for a pregnancy in the fall of 1997.

Daniel was born 22 months after Kaysha and Teri was right. Mothering Daniel healed my heart of many wounds it suffered over being an inexperienced mother to Kaysha and I enjoyed his babyhood tremendously. I was even able to work from home by the time he was born which was a super bonus. While a lot of my fear and uncertainty was forgotten once Kaysha started sleeping well at night and not screaming her head off all day long, the feelings of inadequacy never vanished until the day Daniel latched on and nursed like a champ.  My heart was healed completely on that day. I felt a bond and love for Daniel immediately that I never felt with Ksysha.  That is unfortunate because it didn't have to be that way.

Here are some things books don't tell you about motherhood. First, while mothering is a lifetime commitment, it is one which we were never supposed to forge out on our own. According to Titus 2:3-5, no mother should be going it alone. Proper mothering is to be taught by "older women," usually your mother or even grandmother but only if she is obedient to God. If she is not, then pray for her, but also ask God to provide another Mom to stand in the gap for you. There are a barrage of "Mothering" forums these days where fellow moms can go to support each other and while this is well and good, it's popularity and necessity suggests to me that there are a lot of Moms out there who have dropped the ball leaving their daughters to grope through the darkest days alone. This should not be.  There is no substitute for a godly "Mom" and we will be much better mothers if we ourselves have a Mom we can respect and want to learn from and imitate. Second, motherhood is a constant test of the heart. God gifts us with a precious, innocent and helpless replica of ourselves and each day that child lives, we make the choice whether or not we will honor His wishes as we raise that child.  Will we remain faithful and raise the next generation of godly mothers and fathers, or will we become selfish and leave our children to struggle and suffer for our mistakes?   Third, motherhood is a good barometer of Agape's growth or decline in us.  It tests our patience, kindness, humility, demeanor, selflessness, temperance, forgiveness, compassion and faithfulness. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) We constantly show the world our faith in God, or lack of it, in the way we "love" our children

May we all strive to be the Proverbs 31 Mother. There is no higher honor than being a godly mother.

Proverbs 31:25-31
Strength and honor are her clothing; She shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness.  Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her saying, “ Many daughters have done well, But you excel them all.” Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, And let her own works praise her in the gates.

Happy 15th Birthday, Kaysha! This may not mean much to you today, but I promise you I'll always be there for you, your children and your children's children....should the Lord tarry ;-) No matter how rocky the start of your life was, you were much loved and still are, though you do test my agape quite thoroughly at times. I know we'll both be better for it down the road.

With love,

Mama

There's No Place Like Grand Park

2011-10-18T18:26:00.000-07:00

Grand Park 10/16/11

If I had to pick one hike as a favorite out of the several we've done this past year, and even in years past, it would be Grand Park. Bar none. We have done a few less than picturesque hikes last month (hence no photo or blog entries covering them) and they both left me consoling myself saying, "Well they can't all be Grand Park." This hike is just spectacular. We were last here in late July and I must say that I was worried that since we were just here, some of the thrill might have wore off because it wasn't new to us anymore, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

The first mile of the trail that was previously dry but full of tree explosions that caused us to have to 4x4 over them and go well off the main trail in the process was now wetter but clear of trees and full of mushrooms.

I love the orange ones!

There was a very crisp fall air blowing through the forested areas that refreshed us as we climbed up and up. Elevation gain on this trail is 1200 feet.

The first open meadow (the teaser with Mt. Rainier peeking just behind Mark) was much dryer and more yellow than on our last jaunt. It looked and felt completely different.

This is from July. See what I mean?

This part was under a few feet of snow in July. There is just a hint of snow left just behind Mark. Again, it looks completely different and beautiful.

See-

I like the snow look too!

The biggest surprise was entering Grand park. The surprise was realizing that when we went in July, due to the snow covering the trail, we entered the park well off the main trail and ended up much more southwest than we should have been.

We could tell because Little Tahoma was visible in this picture. It is the spikey peak to the left of Rainier in this picture.

A better view of Little Tahoma.

In this picture from July, it's mostly hidden from view. The funny part is that we just followed someone else's tracks through the snow to get here and we weren't the only ones. Everyone who came up behind us did so as well. On our latest trip, we could not figure out precisely where we deviated from the original trail meaning we probably couldn't do it again if we tried.

As it happens, the trail treks a mile through the park before dropping down into the valley again and heading ever so much closer to Rainier. We walked a good bit of that mile scoping out a place where trees would not obstruct our view while we ate lunch.

Looking back on where we had just been.

It definitely seemed much harder to find the perfect lunch spot in this part of the park. There were a lot more trees to try to move past.

Rainer looked to me like a powder keg on this trip. The snow was so fresh and new. Photos just don't do it's beauty justice. You can see the trail heading off toward the valley in this one.

Here's a better view of the trail heading down toward Sunrise.

Looking toward home. When we left, it was cloudy but as we got closer to the trailhead, the clouds cleared.

The lunch spot.

We ate mixed nuts, beef stroganaff, drank fruit tea and for desert, dark chocolate.

Yum! Does it get any better than this?

But all too soon it's time to head back. This trek one way was 3.5 miles. In July, it took us three hours to get to wherever we ended up in the Park. On this trip, it was 1.5 hours up. We made great time less the snow and the tree explosions. On the way back both trips, it was about 2 hours.

Note to "Mom." Notice, I am wearing the hat you made for Daniel and I love it. I think it's really mine! It is just long enough that it kept the sun out of my eyes without hindering my peripheral vision. Just perfect.

And speaking of love, I love this field. All my favorite colors! Looks like heaven to me.

Back at Lake Eleanor. This is one mile from the trailhead and has a few campsites. Really secluded and quiet.

And my favorite part of Lake Eleanor is the open air toilet with no roof or door. Samuel would get a big kick out of this.

It's a ten mile drive to the trailhead from the main hiway on a gravel logging road that pretty much goes straight up.

But you cannot beat the views.

I never noticed these trees on the last trip because they were green. Now that they are orange and yellow, you bet I notice them.

Love it!

The rain has come to Washington well before I wished it. Who am I kidding, I don't wish for rain to fall except at night when I sleep unless there is thunder and lightning involved. Then I want to see and hear it. And if rain falls as snow, then let it snow! But my point is that rain is a deterrent to hiking. We headed up to Mowich a month ago gambling on the weather holding as it was at home, but instead of brightening up, it poured instead. Mark had his rain gear and I wore a poncho and we logged a few miles anyway and it was fun. It felt like we were being naughty little children tromping through puddles and mud and I enjoyed that. But it was short lived and not nearly as fulfilling as this hike was.

We've certainly done longer hikes than Grand Park. We logged 8.5 miles in three hours on a flatter more boring trail but it left me feeling like it was another "been there done that, no need to return trail." I like a little (or a lot of) challenge and a nice view. That is Grand Park. The trek up is tedious, especially that last mile. But once you get there, the "wow" factor is off the charts.

We would like to get in a few more fall hikes before the 6 month rainy season begins. Maybe a snowshoe or two if we can make time work in our favor. Here's hoping. If this is the last one for awhile, it was certainly a good one. There's no place like Grand Park.

Pause

2011-10-13T17:45:00.000-07:00

I'm convinced that as long as we live life on this side of eternity, we'll never fully recover from the deaths of our loved ones.  While we can attempt to live lives that move away from tangible reminders of our losses in order to lessen the daily blows to our hearts, some of the most painful grief triggers can never be removed because the love for our dearly departed doesn't end when their life on Earth does.   Love is as strong as death, it's never quenched, it cannot be replaced and it never ends.  (Song of Solomon 8:7)   The grief that continually resurfaces well after a loved one has died is living proof of this scripture. Love never dies. It isn't passive. It requires action and when we can no longer act upon it in the physical sense, grief is the result.

We are reminded by Paul to NOT grieve our losses like the worldly without hope in Jesus do. (1 Thessalonians 4:13-14)  It's fine to feel sad and miss our loved ones but that grief must be tempered with the knowledge that we will see them again. For the Christian, physical death is simply a pause in the relationship, not an end to it.   If we believe Jesus died and lived again, so too, will we. It's just a matter of time.

The dilemma for a Christian is, how to manage our heart's desire for love (grief) during this pause without allowing sorrow to get a foothold rendering us useless and miserable in the life we have left to live. It's easier said than done but I am finding that the best way to conquer sorrow that threatens to overwhelm is by rekindling the love that has been paused. Rather than dwelling on what was lost, I remind myself of what was gained and what is still yet to come when I enter into eternity. I live looking forward because I have much to look forward to.

That said, "Hands Full" is taking a pause so I dump some sorrow.

Here goes......

Mark's new work schedule has afforded me way too much late night time alone and my mind wanders into the dangerous territory of missing Samuel. One thing hasn't changed since Samuel left; nighttime makes everything worse and I can attest that sorrow thrives in solitude and darkness.   It's been nearly 3.5 years since Samuel was last here and 99% of the nights that followed his death have placed both Mark and I in bed by 9pm. After all those years of having to stay up with a very miserable Samuel, neither one of us has any desire to be awake when we could be sleeping. There were two things I always said I'd have time to do if Samuel died: sleep and cry. I enjoy sleep; crying, not so much. That said, staying up until midnight on purpose is much more difficult and painful than expected.  It's not so much the dark that haunts me as it is the "tired" and the loneliness that comes in the later hours. Fighting "tired" reminds me of taking care of Samuel   It was so hard to endure all of those nights but I did it because I had to. He needed me.  Fighting "tired" today feels exactly like it did when Samuel was here, except he's not here. This is where the late night loneliness allows sorrow to creep in.  It feels like he should be here, but he's not and I don't wish him to be if that means he'd be miserable again.  I miss him knowing that late nights for us were not initially the result of pain and suffering. Quite the opposite actually. They were our special alone time.

Prior to Samuel's cancer diagnosis, I was a total night owl. Late nights were the only time post-children that I had a few hours for myself and I enjoyed the solitude. After Samuel was born, he quietly inserted himself into "my" time. He was just so cute and well behaved that I could not tell him no.  So he stayed up every night with me, no matter how late, and then we crawled into bed together. Wherever I was during the day, he was never too far away. He was like Ruth in that wherever I went, he went.  Whatever I did, he wanted to help, and as Ruth vowed that only death would separate her from Naomi, I believe that death is the only thing that would separate him from my side if he were still here.  (Ruth 1:16-18)  He was born with a "Ruth" kind of faithfulness.

What's interesting about this era is that he was less than two years old yet it sure seems like we had many adult conversations during that time.  In actuality, he never said very much at all. Our love for each other needed few words. Just being together was enough. I want to say that he seemed so much more like an adult than a child for his entire life but that isn't an adequate description. I can count on one finger the number of adults I would want this close to me 24/7 (Mark). No, he was surely a child - but no ordinary child. He was very mature spiritually and I'm well aware now that this was because he had a very short time to do a very big job. He set an amazing example of faithfulness, humility and love, not just to his family and those who read his life story, but also to God.   I am awestruck by they way he lived his life, even still.

I was looking in Samuel's journal late one night last week for a specific event that came to mind but I must not have written about it. At least, if I did, I couldn't find it. I knew exactly where it should have been but it wasn't there. Sometimes I wrote about events after I had some time to absorb them so I read a bit farther ahead. Nothing.   There were a few things I chose not to publicly share and apparently this was one of them.   Reading the journal is still precarious ground for me. Forgetfulness hardly touches that era so I choose to manage my thought life and filter out the bad as much as possible. Unfortunately the "bad" in the journal can hardly be missed so I gave up looking but not before I found this. In fall of 2007, I recorded one of his favorite little "funnies" which was to plug your nose and then say, "Try to sniff."  Of course after reading, I walked right up to Mark and said, "Tell me who this reminds you of," then I plugged his nose and said, "Try to sniff."  He remembered right away and then everyone else tried it so they could laugh and remember. That one would have been lost to the wind had it not been recorded and I'm so thankful I jotted these kinds of things down because they bring much comfort when I'm searching through so much tragedy.

The event I was originally looking for is firmly implanted in my mind regardless of its omission from the journal. On the surface, it's pretty awful; it was one of those moments where you really had to be there to fully grasp, and I probably chose not to record it because it would have hurt my GI's feelings if she read it, but in retrospect, it's just another example of Samuel's magnificent love. He always knew what was most important in this life and he never let an audience stop him from doing what his heart told him was right.

In August of 2007 when the cellulitis around Samuel's G-tube started killing the tissue, we were admitted to Seattle Children's where our GI was doing her rotation. Her being there was a big relief to us considering how precarious every aspect of Samuel's life was then. Under sedation, my GI removed the dead tissue around his stoma and bandaged it tightly. Unfortunately, she used a lot of tape. A lot! (I wish I could underline that ten times but you get the idea)   The surgical team came by that very evening and wanted to remove it all so they could look at the wound. I was not happy and told them they were not taking it off as it was just put on. They were not happy and called my GI immediately to complain. She came to us right away apologizing profusely about the tape. She never even thought about it needing to be seen daily when she taped it all up like that. (Obviously, this was not her forte and she went above and beyond her usual scope of medicine to help Samuel. That is something I will remember and appreciate forever. She was a very rare find. A Godsend.) I let her know that I of course forgave her (and she felt REALLY bad) but that removing such a huge amount of tape was going to be very traumatic for Samuel so I would do it - not the surgical team.  He could hardly stand having the tape removed from his port and that was small compared to this mess. I wasn't about to let the abhorrent surgery team near it. These people had already proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that they could care less about Samuel.

My goal was always to try to make things as painless for Samuel as possible but if pain was going to be involved, I wanted only loving hands inflicting it. I knew that someone just doing their job would hurt him a lot more than Mark or I would. I'm certain that all the "Help me, Mama's" that came with the initial people poking and prodding him in those first days after his original diagnosis helped fuel these kinds of decisions. Painful things were worse for both of us when they involved me standing by and allowing someone else to hurt him while he begged me to make them stop. As it happened, Samuel also preferred that we do all his care even if that meant pain. His lack of trust for medical "professionals" was nearly on the same level as mine.

The wound care team was contacted to come up with other bandaging options that would not require tape and they gave us many options to choose from. (This is not typical. Usually they bring you something and you use it. If that doesn't work, they bring something else. They never bring many things, leave them all and let you decide. I know our GI had everything to do with this.)  Our GI also wrote in the "orders" that Mark and I would do all wound care while inpatient. (Again, NOT typical. Usually parents are allowed to do very little unless the child has an ostomy bag or a diaper and in that case, they leave the crap jobs for you) Anyway, with our RN, our GI, several members of the wound care team, and Mark present, I went about carefully removing the tape. Samuel came completely unglued, yelling and screaming at us, just as I expected in spite of everyone telling him how sorry we were and trying to console him.   I tried to be gentle but it was still horrible. So horrible that he actually grabbed my hand and bit me. It happened so fast, I would have never in a million years expected it. It was so out of character. I jerked my hand back, whisper-hissed, "Don't bite me!" and finished up quickly.

As soon as the tape was off, Samuel got so upset that he began crying very very hard.   Everyone in the room thought he must be in excruciating pain. We all stopped looking at his stomach and started looking at his face questioning what was wrong. The wound was awful but for all its ugliness, it hadn't been very painful in weeks.  Through loud sobs, he told me how sorry he was that he bit me, that he didn't mean it and didn't want me to be mad at him. He needed many hugs and kisses as assurance that I forgave him that very instant before anything further could be done.   I, of course, forgave immediately and well before his tears flowed.
Samuel couldn't stand it if he ever thought I was mad at him. That upset him more than anything else in his life and because of this, he required very little discipline.  This was one of the few occasions I very briefly scolded him.  I guarantee you that not one person in that room would have held his behavior against him.  Medical staff are used to seeing kids act in all sorts of unbecoming ways to protect themselves.  Kids just generally do not apologize afterward and even if they do, it's certainly not in front of an audience. There was a great pause in the room, everyone took a step back to give us some space, and a few including the GI, were wiping tears from their eyes in awe of such humility and love. Agape has no pride.

Instances like this one I just recorded seem so painful in a surface remembrance that they almost deter a person from looking past the suffering to find the love. Yet it overflows with love, Before Samuel went to Heaven, he told me he'd always know how much I loved him and those words are more precious than gold to me. The recollection of this event brings immense comfort too because I' reminded of how much he loved me as well. Just remembering and writing it out has turned grief into gratitude for the amazing blessing that he was to me on Earth as well as anticipation for what's yet to come when I step into eternity where we will never suffer separation again.

It's taken a long time to get used to living without Samuel's love. No one on this Earth has ever loved me with such intensity and it is only by my hope in Jesus that I go on living without the one who inserted himself so deeply into my heart and soul. Sharing Samuel's amazing love is one of my favorite subjects to write about and every time I do so, I cannot help but be filled with his love all over again. It's that strong, that alive and so completely overwhelming that it chases sorrow away. While our lives lived together may be paused for now, my love for him continues to grow stronger with each and every savored memory.

Our love is without end.

Hands Full - Confidence

2011-10-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

"Cool Runnings" is a fictional movie about the first Jamaican bobsled team that went all the way to the Olympics.  "Irv," the coach for the Jamaican team, carries a lot of baggage and this looms heavily in the background of the movie. He was a previous Olympic bobsledder winning two golds before he got caught cheating.  The immediate results of his arrogance were first, his entire team got disqualified and lost their medals and second, his identity and whole life were destroyed. In one instant, he went from first to last, respected to humiliated, beloved to despised. It was a mistake he paid a heavy price for.

The movie portrays a very humble Irv who has learned (the hard way) that when your main motivation for doing something is rooted in pride, nothing you ever accomplish - no matter how great - will ever be enough to satisfy you.  One of the many negative byproducts of pride is that one's self-esteem and self-worth are dependent on one's ability to continually accomplish bigger and better things. When such a person can no longer achieve that next goal in their own strength, they resort to lying, cheating, stealing - even killing.  Destruction can't help but follow and is in fact, promised. (Proverbs 16:18) This lesson was what Irv is trying to impart not only to Derice, but to us all in the following dialogue.

Irv: You want to know why I cheated, right?
Derice: Yes, I do.
Irv: It's a fair question. It's quite simple, really. I had to win. You see, Derice, I had made winning my whole life, and when you make winning your whole life, you have to keep on winning, no matter what. Understand?
Derice: No, I don't understand. You won two gold medals. You had it all.
Irv: Derice, a gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it.

Derice asks many questions in the line, "No, I don't understand...You had it all."  I hear, "Why weren't you satisfied? What happened?" He just cannot wrap his mind around not being satisfied with two golds. We ask similar questions when we see someone's "shocking" sins exposed. One doesn't have to look far to find people who lie, cheat, steal, or kill to gain something that they didn't even need. People question why and often assume that the person just "snapped." What they seldom recognize is that pride was sown, watered and even fertilized well before they became aware of its destruction.  Most often, it begins in childhood.

Do you remember being in school and having teachers tell you things like, "Set goals. Dream big. Believe in yourself. Keep a positive attitude. Don't let anything or anyone stand in your way. You can accomplish whatever you set your mind to. Success comes in cans, not cant's. Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable." I remember several of these plastered to the walls of my high school gym. I also recall teachers telling students to write them down and place them in specific areas they looked at multiple times a day such as mirrors, refrigerators, and binders. The thought was, if the kids read these "confidence" quotes often enough, self-esteem and worth would grow, fear of failure would subside, and those things would help them reach their goals and fulfill their dreams in life.   Nothing could be further from the truth. These might look good on paper. A quick surface read may even render these sayings harmless or perhaps on some level, helpful but the fact is, they quietly plant the seeds of pride in our children and if they are continually watered and fertilized, they will lead them to a burden-filled life of misery, perhaps even total destruction.

These "confidence" quotes are what now replace the truth of man's need for God, not just in our schools, but in society as a whole. They tell us that we can do whatever we want in life as long as we believe in ourselves, in our ability to control outcomes and circumstances, as if we are gods. And most importantly, don't let anyone get in your way.   It's no wonder we live in such a violent, arrogant generation that fails to recognize it's need for God.   Society has made God as irrelevant as possible replacing Him with themselves. At this rate, only the "strongest" will survive...

It's as if humans have forgotten they are dust. Forgotten that they came from dirt and they return to dirt.  Forgotten that they control nothing including their next breath. Even thought they are reminded of their destiny each time someone dies, somehow they still fail to fully acknowledge their condition.  Humans are all born lost, fallen, confused, chaotic and sinful. The cause of this unfortunate condition is that we are all born alienated from our Creator.   Every human is inadequate apart from God and as such, will never have any lasting confidence, self-esteem or satisfaction in this life no matter how many vain sayings they write and repeat.

True confidence leading to a sense of fulfillment and adequacy in this life is contingent on our fear of God. (Job 4:6, Proverbs 14:26) Fearing God means you turn from sin, repent, accept Jesus and obey Him. The extent of your obedience to Him will thus be directly proportional to your confidence, peace and satisfaction in life.  Isaiah 32:17 says righteousness (right-standing with God) will bring peace, quietness and confidence forever. Children are born with spirits very willing to accept Jesus.  They understand they need "someone" to help them in life much easier and better than self-sufficient adults do. Children who live lives filled with lasting love, joy, peace and fulfillment are the ones who were taught to acknowledge and obey God.

We need to be feeding our children the "Truth," early and often to combat a society that is so full of "confidence" that US children now rank #1 in it. The interesting and sad thing about this "revelation" is, many people subconsciously know something is wrong with that picture but cannot put their finger on it. Again, it's called pride. And it leads only one direction: destruction. Here are the fruits of this "confidence" rampant in society today.   Rather than moving forward, it regresses. Instead of being diligent, it's lazy. Rather than working, it feels entitled. Instead of being accountable, it absolves itself. Rather than giving, it robs. Instead of telling the truth, it lies. Rather than protecting life, it kills. Rather than thriving, it's dying.  Need I go on? And the worst part of it all is that many don't even see it. Pride blinds us to reality until its destruction becomes our undeniable reality.

Proverbs 9:15-17
The nations have sunk down in the pit which they made; In the net which they hid, their own foot is caught. The LORD is known by the judgment He executes; The wicked is snared in the work of his own hands. The wicked shall be turned into hell, And all the nations that forget God.

Society is reaping what it has sown; the nation which forgets God turns into hell. If one rejects God, no thing in the world will bring their spirit and soul the confidence, peace and wholeness they truly seek. Just turmoil. The devil is out to steal, kill and destroy and without Jesus as our armor, we are naked and helpless before Satan.

Ephesians 6:10-17
Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Joshua 24:15
If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the LORD, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve.... but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”

God is our confidence.

The dialogue I quoted from "Cool Runnings" above ends with Derice asking Irv how he'll know if he's enough. Irv replies, "When you cross that finish line, you'll know."

How do we know if we have confidence in this life?   1 John 3:21 says "Beloved, if your heart does not condemn you, you have confidence before God."   There is no condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1) If you read the Word of God and feel condemned by it, you need to humble yourself, and come to Jesus.

Incidentally, the meaning of the phrase cool runnings is: peace be the journey.

Hands Full - Wholly Nourished

2011-09-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. (Psalm 34:8)

Every summer as a teen, I used to spend several hours a day riding "The Piglet." To spend 6-8 hours out and about was not abnormal. I usually left the stable and didn't return until I was done riding for the day so riding to a lake, river or creek to offer her water was always part of our trek. For the longest time, she'd refuse to drink anywhere but home no matter how long we had been out or how hot it was. I knew she had to be thirsty so I'd walk her through it, try forcing her head down into it, even opening her mouth and letting drops fall into it; we even swam in it but she'd rarely drink. Instead she'd wait until we got home and drink down half a bathtub full of water like she was dying of thirst. This always annoyed me. Did she think I was trying to poison her when we were out on the trail or what?

For whatever reason, the thought never occurred to me to bring water for myself either. Much of the time, I rode alone and like my horse, just waited until we arrived home and guzzled gross water from the hose because I was dying of thirst. There was one occasion, however, when it was so hot I thought I might pass out if I did not get myself some water. We were about three miles from home and I knew I wasn't going to make it. I was riding on the shoulder of a busy rural road and visions of me passing out, falling off and being run over started terrorizing me. And worse yet, my horse would probably be hit too. My insides were screaming, my head was pounding and my desperation to stop my body from overriding my will to stay conscious overruled any fear I had that the water source might be contaminated. I ended up drinking out of a nearby creek and water never tasted so good! (and I never got sick) It didn't take long for my body to recover after getting a much needed pint of water (at least). As I was slurping, I heard someone who wasn't me slurping too. I looked over and it was my horse. I asked her, "So, if I can drink it, you can drink it?" I guess she just needed me to show her it was okay. After that, she drank more times than she didn't when we reached water. As for me, bringing water along became a priority.

There were several other memorable occasions when as a teen I learned that I better listen to my body and take care of it properly - or suffer the consequences. Hopefully, by the time we all reach adulthood, we will have acquired a good knowledge of our bodies needs and recognize (perhaps through trial and error) that balance is key for proper functionality. Then we can impart this knowledge to our children as well as recognize the imbalances in their diets and correct them before they lead to all sorts of maladies.

Unfortunately, children prefer to eat what tastes good to their mouths, not what is healthy for their bodies and as such a taste and desire for many foods that are wholesome must be developed. They must also be taught self-control in order to resist eating junk food in excess (when a parent is not looking -- or when a grandparent is aiding and abetting them).

Convincing my children to try new foods that do not immediately appeal to them reminds me of trying to convince my horse to drink water that looks strange to her. They've usually decided they don't like the food well before they take that obligatory bite and 99% of the time, they make horrible faces and spit it out. I've noticed, however, that somewhere down the line, all those samples lead to a genuine craving for whatever that food was and suddenly they are asking me to make it more regularly. I love it when that happens!

But while proper care of the body is of high value, we must never forget the importance of nurturing our children's souls and spirits. With so much worldly importance given to outward appearance and wellness, it is easy for the body to become a god over us. Lest we forget, the body is simply the temporary dwelling for the soul and spirit. The body will wither and die, but the soul and spirit are eternal. Thus, nothing is more important than teaching our children how to properly nurture their souls and spirits but in order to do this, we cannot be feeding ourselves "junk" The blind cannot lead the blind and the dead cannot raise the dead.

Proper nourishment for soul and spirit come from the giver of their eternal nature: God. Sustenance from any other source is akin to a steady physical diet of junk food and will result in illness, starvation and death. It really is as simple as:

junk food (sin) = eternal death

whole foods (God) = eternal life

Let's examine the two diets.

The person who feeds on the "junk" of this world can expect their spirit (mind) to be dominated by spirits that oppose God: ungratefulness, greed, dissatisfaction, selfishness, covetousness, bitterness, jealousy, arrogance, anxiety, impatience, hopelessness, despair, suspicion, desperation, fear, strife, guilt, condemnation and anger. (just to name a few) The "dis-ease" of these warring spirits in the mind leads some to try to discipline or medicate these evils away. Some may try outward methods of soothing these ills such as allowing their souls to drink in the passing lusts and whims of the world: engorging themselves on physical pleasures often leading to addictions. Others will try to cure their inner woes by feeding on the "knowledge" of the world, to puff their ego up with intellect, (foolishness - 1 Corinthians 3:19) and self-made importance (pride). It's all "good" as long as they can find someone to worship the ground they walk on.

All of these methods ultimately fail to cure the "dis-ease" (as the only cure is Christ) and instead lead to a person who cannot simply just be; they must always be doing something. They cannot simply have, but must always have more. Sin becomes the master of their members and left without restraint, eventually no immorality will be too corrupt for them to try in hopes of escaping the battlefield of their mind. Eventually they will become so depraved, so blinded to their own "virtues," that they will call good, evil and evil, good to the detriment of their souls. As such, they are as zombies, oblivious to their condition, feeding on the sin of this world until either their eyes are opened to The Truth and they accept Christ, or they reject Truth and sin consumes them. (Romans 1:28-32)

The one who chooses to feed their soul and spirit the things of God can expect to have a life filled with His power, His agape, and soundness of mind (1 Timothy 1:7) Also peace that passes understanding. (Philippians 4:6-8) Their spirit is nourished by hearing and understanding God's Word while their soul is nourished by obeying Him and reaping the blessings that come from obedience.

Now this is not to say that Christians are immune to the warring spirits mentioned above that are not of God; we live in a world where those spirits reign and they will always try to invade our peace. The remedy for us however, is where the difference lies. Rather than using worldly methods (sin) in hopes of alleviating the "dis-ease" that has crept into our spirit, if we submit ourselves to God, they will flee before they ever manifest in our soul. (James 4:7)

Submitting to God by reading His Word always restores the peace and joy to my soul and spirit just as completely and quickly as that creek water revived my physical body. When those ill spirits creep into my mind, they serve as a warning signal that I have overdosed on the "junk food" of the world. It really doesn't take much for that to happen. The longer I walk with God, get to know His ways and see Him working behind the scenes in my life, the more I'm aware that this world is not my home. I can hardly watch the news without feeling revolted, frustrated, angry or hopeless by the utter depravity I see. And that's when I know I need to get back to the things of God - and fast - before the joy and peace that come from my salvation depart and I find that my soul wants to hurt someone and my spirit feels entitled to do so. Psalm 37 is a GREAT place to refresh.

Submitting to God when the spirit starts to be overcome with "dis-ease" is something we MUST teach our children to do as well. If we do not, they will turn to sin to self-medicate. Just as I can tell when my spirit is overloaded trying to endure this world, I can also tell when theirs is. It usually begins as moodiness in a child who is generally in good spirits. Suddenly, they are angry and cannot tell me why. Or they now know everything and God help me if I try to correct that child. Left undisciplined, this "moodiness" will manifest in action and the next thing I know, I'm breaking up two kids who cannot keep their hands to themselves. Now, I can discipline them (and I do) but that doesn't wholly solve the problem which is that their souls and spirits need a remedy that only comes from God.

My children all claim to believe in Jesus but I know that this profession is only the first step in a real life-changing relationship with Him leading to eternal life. James 2:19-20 says that even demons believe in God, and tremble, yet they still carry on doing the devil's work. Belief is not enough. There must be faithfulness or they will fall away from their faith and that faithfulness MUST be taught because it opposes the human nature we are all born with.

Proverbs 22:6 tells us to Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it. Train is imperative. In order for this promise to be fulfilled, one must teach and the other must learns about a commonality; in this instance, to hear and obey God. This scripture does not say let your church's youth pastor train them while you do whatever you want, nor does it say throw them a Bible and hope they'll read it even when you don't. (I guarantee you, neither of those work.) They will do as you do, not as you say especially if your words are contrary to your actions. St. Frances of Assisi said, "Live the Gospel and use words when necessary." Actions speak louder than words.

I know I've done something that will stick with my kids when they ask me, "Mom, why did you do that?" and my answer has a Bible theme. They don't marvel at the worldly things I do, sin they understand well. They ask about that which they do not understand and I always thank God for the opportunities He gives me to do something they will take notice of that will plant some seeds in them. At the very least, it will give them something to think about. Ephesians 6:4 takes this "train" command a little farther: And the fathers! provoke not your children, but nourish them in the instruction and admonition of the Lord.

I have found that when "strong discipline" is needed, the Bible works wonders but foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. The rod of correction will drive it far from him. (Proverbs 22:15a) Parents need to keep this in mind as they train their children to become faithful to God. If a child had their way, they'd eat nothing but junk food all day long and no loving parent would let that slide. Similarly, a child would never even think to pick up a Bible when life isn't going their way. That concept is about as foreign to them as needing to eat healthy foods yet both must be insisted on if a child is to be wholly nourished.

A child's reaction to submitting to God might be similar to my kids trying some new healthy food; griping and groaning ensue and they start out about as receptive as mud. I don't let this deter me just as I never stopped leading my horse to water. Even though it took her forever to actually take a drink, I never gave up trying because I knew she needed it even if she was clueless (or obstinate). What I learned from her was that she just needed me to show her it was okay and children are no different. They need to see that God's Word is wholly nourishing to you and powerfully working good in you and through you vs. poisoning you and those around you. The best way for this to occur is by you reading and digesting the portion of God's Word you are about to present to them first and then feed them one little tiny morsel at a time until they are full. When I do this, the nourishment penetrates and the "dis-ease" flees. I see night and day difference in a matter of 10-20 minutes. The negative attitudes vanish, kids become happier, more thankful and even more helpful. The nourishment doesn't vanish immediately either. It carries them for days and if I faithfully find a lesson for them each week, my job as a disciplinarian is much easier to bear. My hope is that just as they are beginning to see the benefits of better foods to nourish their bodies, their eyes will be opened to the benefits God's nourishment for their souls and spirits and they will begin to crave it over sin.

I cannot end this post without mentioning "The Encounter." Netflix added this movie to it's on demand line-up a couple weeks back. I read the description and figured I'd give it a try. If the film's "Jesus" didn't line up with the Bible's Jesus, I'd turn it off. I didn't know at the time it was made by the same people who made "Fireproof." Had I known that, I wouldn't have worried at all. As with all Christian films where the motivation is to save souls vs. to make a billion dollars, it is a low budget film and in places it is obvious. However, that said, I was glued and glad I previewed it without children so that I could let the tears run free. It truly felt like an encounter with Jesus in man form, as close as we'll ever get while living on Earth anyway. It was very Biblically accurate and will leave you with plenty to think through. I don't want to give a lot away but it was packed with scripture, truth, hard questions answered, love, hate, lost, found, heaven, hell, Jesus and the devil. After I finished it, I was filled with the joy of my Salvation and whatever ills wearing on my spirit that day were completely washed away. I knew I needed to share it with my kids.

There certainly aren't many nourishing TV shows on these days and the rare show that actually teaches the Bible does not hold their attention long. I knew they'd like this though. It met their criteria of "creepy" and entertaining and my criteria of Biblically accurate. I didn't tell them what it was about because I wanted them to react to it as it played out instead of react to it with whatever spirit was currently dominating their thought life. I only told them that it was "creepy" and it does start out looking creepy. "Creepy" caught their interest immediately, of course! I watched it with the girls first, and then again with Daniel. Everyone came away refreshed, nourished and filled with joy. This is one movie I do not believe a person could ever tire of seeing. I highly recommend it as a tool for teaching as well as a nutritive to the soul and spirit; there is so much to chew on, digest, and wholly nourish.

Jesus calls to all saying, "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, Because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners." (Isaiah 61:1) "I am the door; if anyone enters through Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture. I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." (John 10:9-11)

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Hands Full - Agape

2011-09-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

God is love. Scripture reminds us of this fact numerous times. 1 John 4:7-8 states that Children of God should be easily identified because of their unique love.   If they do not love, they are not Christians nor do they know God. Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

Unfortunately, many misunderstand the kind of love being spoken of here.  Love's true meaning as set by God has been diluted, confused and twisted by human logic which wants to base what love is on conditions, personal life experiences and preferences.   Our dictionary lists over 10 meanings for love when used as a noun and more than five when used as a verb so it's no wonder "love" is thrown out so loosely and its God ordained attributes are not included in any dictionary.

According to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, God's love is a verb, an action, or as you'll see here, many many actions. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Now compare God's definition of love to our dictionary definition of love as a verb. 1. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her. 2. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person). 3. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music. 4. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight. 5. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover. 6. to have sexual intercourse with.

Is it just me - or does God's definition of love feel whole and tangible while our dictionary's definition feels vague and empty? Which kind of love as it's been defined here would you want?  I'm pretty sure I can guess.

The Greek language does a little better job of defining love than English does. They use three different words for love. They are storge, eros and philia. Storge is the word used for family affection. Eros is used most often for sexual love/lust. Philia is the warmest Greek word for love and is often used for one's dearest and truest friends.   While each of these loves are important in life, they are all missing an important element which God introduces in the Bible as agape. Agape is what brings fullness, immense joy and satisfaction to any or all of these loves.

Agape {ah-gah-pey} is also a Greek word which at one time, was not ordinarily used for love. It's meaning is: to esteem, to regard with favor, good will, benevolence.  Agape is the will to always unconditionally act on behalf of the well-being of another.  It is selfless and sacrificial, not conditional. It is always there and regardless of situation, status, acceptance, or rejection, it is always extended.  It is a love that is offered to all, the entire world, unconditionally.  Unconditional love does not seek to control us but instead frees us to be exactly who we are at any given moment. That freedom allows us to respond to it, whether negatively or positively, from the heart.

Agape is not a passing emotion, but a permanent devotion. As such, it is not a normal part of human nature but instead a spiritual gift from God.   Human nature seeks to satisfy self first and bases all decisions for "love" on passing emotions, expectations, presumptions, conditions and current circumstances. It is very nearsighted in it's view. It doesn't want to be uncomfortable, unhappy, or sacrificial.  It believes love is replaceable so if one grows unhappy in a relationship, they seek to replace it with another.  There is no commitment, no purpose, no unity, and no breadth to life when lived this way. Thus all the dictionary definitions of love appear empty because without agape, they have no useful substance. They are simply fleeting emotions, here one day, gone the next. Untrustworthy.

God is Agape and agape originates from God. The Bible is a book that teaches Agape however humans are not born with this nature nor can it be self-generated.   Agape, will only begin to manifest in us when we get to know and love God. It is received from God's Spirit living in us which comes only after one repents from sin and accepts Jesus as Savior. (Jesus came to save sinners, not those who trust in their "goodness." Humility is the key here.)

We come to know God just as we come to know humans, by experiencing life together.  Experiencing life with God begins by learning, understanding and practicing His commandments.      1 John 2:3-6 says By this we know that we have come to know Him, if we keep His commandments. The one who says, “I have come to know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him; but whoever keeps His word, in him the love of God has truly been perfected. By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked.

Loving God is also linked to obeying His commandments.   This obedience is not "works" done out of duty, condition, things hoped for or fear, but instead this obedience is accomplished by agape. By us submitting to God inside us.  Jesus says in John 14:23-24,""If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him. He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine but the Father's who sent Me."  He adds in John 15:10, "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love (agape), just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love (agape)."

God's Word says that His children are to agape Him and also goes a step further requiring us to agape our neighbors as ourselves for that is the evidence that we are indeed His children and not of the world.   This unique love is to be shown to even those who are hard to love, who use us, and even hate us. Our "enemies." Anyone in the world can love when love comes easily. It is when love becomes difficult that a true Christian's agape will shine forth and set them apart from the worldly.    In Matthew 5:43-48, Jesus says “You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

Note that agape does not mean we become a doormat for those who hate us.  It does mean we do not seek revenge but instead peace. We bless and not curse. We pray for them and move on with our lives as peacefully as our adversary makes possible. In Romans 12:16-18, Paul reminds us to be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. According to scripture, revenge is rooted in pride and an obedient child of God cannot be prideful. God will avenge what needs to be avenged but His Children are called to live in peace. In Jesus's words, Matthew 5:9, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."

My children are often asking me what to do about "so and so" who intentionally does mean things to them.   Mark tells them to be friendly saying, "I've always found it's easier to try to be friends with people, perhaps said person just needs a friend. If that doesn't work, then ignore them as much as is possible." But this is SO HARD for them because their normal human nature wants to retaliate. This is where the "practice" of God's commandments is beneficial. They know God does not approve of what they want to do, but making the choice to go against their very nature is often a stumbling block. Do it wrong enough times and you learn that being ugly to someone being ugly solves nothing. The kids have figured out this part at least.   I remind them that they can only affect their own behavior, not someone elses.  They can choose to keep themselves blameless before God by obeying His commandments in the situation, or they can be even more guilty of breaking His commandments than their adversary because they knew what was right and sinned anyway. They are still in the "getting to know God" process, and that's fine. There is much grace for them and us. Getting to know Him means testing His commandments often getting them wrong many times. Once we finally get them right and experience good results, obedience becomes much quicker, easier and eventually second nature.

When my children first started having conflicts with other children (a few years ago) I told them about the most striking occasion where I followed God's commandment and reaped the benefits of it immediately and then for many years to follow.

Mark and I lived in a mobile home park for six years before moving into the home we live in now. The landlord of this park was not a very nice lady at all. The only time she came around was if you did something wrong and rather than being friendly or even slightly pleasant in asking you to correct whatever the current complaint was, she was a total hag. She would literally stand on your front porch and scream at you. Scream! And she'd be so upset that the words she spoke made very little sense. The residents of the park hated her and were equally as rude to her as she was to them. She had only visited our trailer a couple times but in so doing, I became well aware that the rumors about her nastiness were entirely true.

One particular day, there was an angry knock on the door during the afternoon when Kaysha and Daniel were taking their nap. They were around age 3 and 1 at the time. My front door was located within five feet of their bedroom door and the minute I opened it, she started screaming at me. I wasn't even sure why, she wasn't making much sense. What I was sure of was that I did not want her screaming to wake up the kids and frighten them.   I quickly considered my options. One was to come out on the porch and close the door so I could scream back at her. The other was to invite her in and see if being kind to someone who treated you with contempt really worked.

When she stopped to take a breath, I told her that I didn't really understand the issues she had, that I had just made a pot of coffee and would she like to come in and sort the matter out. Her whole attitude changed immediately, night and day. She accepted the invitation, came in, sat down, had a cup of coffee and we talked.....in a normal tone of voice. One that never woke up the kids. And I could understand her too.   The matter, as it happened, wasn't entirely about me or Mark, but instead in regard to his sister who had "run away with an Internet boyfriend" and left the rent unpaid for over a year. She came to our trailer because it had formerly been Mark's sister's trailer and we were currently living in it. Both trailers were owned by Mark's family but there was still the matter of the lot rent left unpaid after she vacated. I told her that I was unaware of the unpaid rent and would contact Mark's parents and have them call her to make arrangements. After that we just chatted about other things and she eventually left. Mark's parents did what was required on their end and all was well thereafter.

I wondered if that incident and her niceness was just a fluke but it wasn't. After that, whenever I saw her out and about, she was always friendly.  Mark and I wanted to make some improvements to the land we were living on and she approved everything we asked for.  We wanted to get a dog and she had no issue with it. Didn't even charge us the "pet fee" as so many others had to pay. There was an instance where we came home one night very late on a Sunday night to find that our neighbors were having a "fiesta" complete with kids running around screaming and loud Spanish tubas blaring going strong at 2am. We had spent the day driving six hours to and fro to attend a family get-together at a lake house hosted by Mark's employer and everyone was grumpy and ready to sleep and yet, we could not. And we did try. I asked Mark if he thought it would be awful to call the landlord and complain. He had to work the next day so he did not think it was a bad idea. That was her job and we both knew she still enjoyed yelling at people, just not at us anymore. So I called her, waking her up, apologizing immediately, then asked her if she could put an end to it. Within ten minutes, she was there and in fifteen minutes, it was ended.

There was another instance where our neighbors had a lot of traffic coming in and out (drug traffic - which is one of the reasons we moved) and one of those people backed their van into our trailer. No, really! It felt like an earthquake. The lights dimmed and the whole house moved. It took us a few moments to figure out what had happened. I called her immediately and she was again there in ten minutes to scare them which was about all that could be done at that point. Luckily, there was no damage done to our trailer and the driver was long gone by the time she arrived. I found out later that she was able to finally evict them but it wasn't before we left.

There were many other instances where she showed a particular favor toward us as well. When we were ready to sell the trailer, I called her to let her know and she was genuinely happy for us. I asked her if she could write a letter to give to perspective mortgage lenders showing that we paid our rent on time for 12 months and she did it immediately.   She also had to approve the buyers of our home and that went off without a hitch as well. We moved and I figured that'd be the last we'd see of her. The year was 2000.

Fast forward to September, 2004. There was a dinner/auction held locally to help raise money for Samuel's care at our local Eagles Club.   Samuel had been home less than two months after suffering the greatest assault of his lifetime. He was still very frightened of people so I wasn't sure he and I going was that great an idea for him but felt it best we at least try to make a brief appearance. He wasn't walking yet so went in his stroller which I'm certain made him feel a bit helpless so I kept him always facing me and as much as possible; sheltered from everyone else because I knew they would stare. He had just had his VA shunt placed so had a freshly shaved place on his head and staples. He also had his nose tube. He looked just like this on that day down to the very clothing.

We stayed for a short time. Samuel got to go for a ride in a fire truck first which he really liked and then we brought inside and found a table farthest away from the majority of the people. We knew many there, but also many were there whom we did not know. Several came to quickly say hi and one of those was our landlord. Mark said, "Look, I think that's Ramona coming over." And sure enough, it was. I hadn't seen nor talked to her in over four years and was shocked. The auction was advertised in the local paper and apparently she read it and thought enough of us to come. I was so touched. Truly. She didn't have to come at all. No one would have noticed if she didn't. But many noticed that she did and that blessed me so much. Samuel wasn't even born while we lived in the mobile home park but she came to meet him and Anna on that day.

There was a guestbook which we received afterwards and in it, this is what she wrote. I have to admit that my mouth was agape (excuse the pun) when I read it.

The choice to obey God, to agape this woman, resulted in many, many blessings. God's ways are so much better than ours.
1 Peter 3:8-12 - in Paul's words, "Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. For “ He who would love life, And see good days, Let him refrain his tongue from evil, And his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; Let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their prayers; But the face of the LORD is against those who do evil."

Hands Full - Don't Be Deceived

2011-09-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

My family moved to WA in 1986 when I was 13 years old, leaving all of our extended family behind in CA.  Just about every year we would return to visit friends and relatives and we'd always stay with Delma. On each visit without fail, my grandfather (Delma's husband, Mac) would corner us kids and ask, "If you were to die today, where would you spend eternity?"   I must confess that this question annoyed me greatly and somehow I don't believe the answer we gave was what he was truly looking for. We each answered saying that we'd be in Heaven. It was either that or hell. And who answers "hell" anyway? 90% of Americans surveyed today with the exact same question answer Heaven. My dad thinks he's going to Heaven and he doesn't even believe in God. (?? insert birds chirping ??) Obviously, this is a question which gets to the heart of nothing, and many are deceived.   But in my grandfather's case, I understand now what he was truly asking and I guarantee you that while he lived on Earth, we never gave him an answer that he believed.

For the entire time we lived in CA, I attended somebody's church. Either a friend's, Delma's, and if these options were not available, I'd ride my bike to the closest one to my house and go alone or with my brother.  I was baptized in 1984, at 11 years old, in the church I used to ride my bike to. It was fully my desire to be baptized and I remember proclaiming my love for Jesus but in retrospect, I really had no clue about Jesus or the significance of what I'd just done. Church was just a fun place I went to to get out of my house. Jesus was the man I prayed to when I needed a favor.

When we moved to WA, opportunities to go to church ended.  I had no friends, no other family, and no church I could ride my bike to.   Church was never a priority for my atheist father and he'd get so mad at my mom for going that she just quit years before we moved. The first two years we lived here were horribly lonely and I used to cry and pray every night that I could move back to CA and live with Delma. Obviously that prayer was never answered and as the days turned into years of Jesus never answering that prayer and the many others I'd pray, I figured He must have stayed in CA along with every other good thing in my life.  Jesus drifted into the background at that point.   It's an alarmingly easy thing to have happen when you have no real relationship with Him and no role models to guide you back to Him in times of great sorrow or questioning. I didn't recognize what was happening at the time, but Mac did. He was obviously very alarmed by what he saw but there wasn't much he could do about it. We visited them about one week a year and him badgering me about where I might end up with I died only served to piss me off. In my mind, I got "saved," I was baptized, I made a proclamation of faith in Jesus, what more did he (or He) want?

            @@@@@@@@@@@@

Mac was widely known as a man of integrity. He was gentle, humble, trustworthy and extremely likable.  He treated Delma like a queen.  He was one of those men who was obviously a Christian. Jesus oozed out of him as Jesus oozed out of Delma. People could not help but be drawn to them. In his younger years, he became an auto mechanic and was eventually promoted to management.  He has such a good reputation that he was asked to do many newspaper and TV commercials for various products as well.

At some point, he held private classes for women to learn the basics of car maintenance in his home garage. The sign remained posted in their garage for as long as the house was theirs. "Gas Glamor Gals."   He was also a welder which was how he was making a living during the time I knew him.  He owned his own company. But above all of these things was Jesus. Jesus was his passion. He often taught Sunday School for the men's group at his church. On Saturday's when we'd visit, (when we still lived there) he'd bring his Bible wherever we went. That was the only book I ever saw him read. My brother and I liked him to take us places where we could ride our bikes, skate, swim or just goof off and he'd find a place to sit, read and make notes for his class for hours while we played. He was the kindest, gentlest man I've ever known but I'll have you know that he didn't come by this naturally.

While Delma was raised in a Christian home, Mac was not. He was wild and crazy as a boy and I believe that Mark and he would have gotten along really well as teenagers. He liked racing cars and horses, he smoked, drank, partied and God only knows what else. In the early 1930's, Delma caught his eye (they went to school together) but he wasn't quite ready to settle down and submit to Jesus. He wanted to "have a good time." Delma enjoyed having a good time too, but only as a good Christian girl should. She had boundaries. I have her diary from the time period when they were dating (several years) and it's a never ending cycle of fight and make up, fight and make up. And Delma had no problems dating others when Mac displeased her or vice-versa.  They each played the field, so to speak, but always ended up back together. When Delma's parents suspected that things might become more serious between them, her father told her flat out to not to even consider marrying him until he became a Christian. I don't know the timeline nor his exact moment of realizing his need for Jesus but it happened, and it was genuine, not faked.  The evidence speaks for itself. They were the love of each other's lives and it was obvious to everyone. They were married well over 50 years. Every day I try to model my marriage after theirs. It was the kind of relationship we all dream of - yet few are blessed enough to actually receive it. It's rare, especially in this day and age.

Mac's given name is Roland and in Delma's diary, she calls him "Rolly." He was very chubby as a baby and his older siblings called him Rolly Polly. The nickname stuck well into adulthood. It's strange to read about "Rolly." It like he's not even the same person as Mac.
Nobody ever called him Rolly that I heard. He was always Mac. The name change reminds me a little of Jacob/Israel. Jacob, being the trickster running from God while Israel was the blessed, strengthened and even now exists only because of God. Rolly submitted his life to God and at some point, the old man passed away and the new man, Mac, appeared. I only knew the new man.

Mac battled colon cancer in the late 1970's. I don't remember much of it other than visiting him at the hospital once and seeing him under a yellow blanket. I was pretty little. My Mom says he almost died even after his colon was removed. (He and Samuel have that in common) Cancer recurred in the early 1990's, spreading to his lymph nodes then, and that ended his life.

When a person is dying, we who remain always tend to think, "This is the last time I'll see you on Earth." We say that assuming they will go to Heaven, and we will too of course. So, it's not "good-bye" so much as "see you later." (remember 90% of us think we are going to Heaven) In Mac's case, his Heavenly destination was certain, but I wonder if on the last day I saw him alive, (I was 20 years old) his sorrow as we parted was in wondering if he'd see me in Heaven. Would that day be the last day he ever saw me again? Was that the last hug? The last kiss? I'm sure Mac died knowing I was lost to the world. (and I was) And there still wasn't anything he could do about it.

I have very few things that were Mac's. Delma got rid of a lot of his things after he died.   As I was preparing this entry, I remembered I had this treasure below. It's been in my possession for about 4-5 years but it's never meant as much to me as it does today.

I wept as I read it last night. The last time I looked at this, Samuel was still here, and it was just words on a page. Much like most of the Bible was just words on a page to me then. Jesus was still the man I prayed to when I needed a favor. Not much had changed from age 13 to age 35. When my world was uprooted at age 13, I assumed Jesus stayed in CA. When my life was shattered at age 35, I was nearly certain that He just didn't exist. Note, I said nearly. If He didn't exist than there was no Heaven (somebody explain that to my Dad) and if there was no Heaven, Samuel was gone forever. If Samuel was gone forever, then my parting words to him were lies and in fact, everything good that happened while he lived that I told myself was from God was then co-incidence. After I played that scenario out in my head, I knew it was a lie of the devil. I had been deceived. Deceived for 35 years in fact.

There is a letter attached to my baptism certificate. I found it last night as I was looking for my Mac treasure above.

Read it and weep. "Now I remind you in the words of Jesus, "If you continue in my Word, then you are my disciples indeed."" John 8:31

What more did Jesus want from me? He wanted me to follow Him, to continue to learn His ways and obey them. Why did He say this? Because it's not enough to simply make a proclamation of faith, get baptized and then go about living life as you wish. You are deceived if you do. Jesus warned us countless times to NOT be deceived. Do you know how to NOT be deceived? It's so simple even a child can understand it, if only we'll take the time to teach them - read the Bible. Study His words. "Continue in His Word." You cannot have a relationship with someone you do not know. The Bible is our main method of knowing Him. How few actually read it? Most of the (apostate) Christian churches today are thriving because their members have never read their Bibles. If they did they'd know they have been deceived and are serving "another Jesus."

When I picked up the Bible and determined to find Him FOR MYSELF once and for all, I realized that I had been lost for 35 years and finally, finally, I was saved. Truly saved. And I value that salvation and God's grace and patience with me more and more each day. God is an all consuming fire (Hebrews 12:29) and that fire is transforming every part of my life. I guarantee you that Mac would no longer ask me that ridiculous question anymore. He'd see the evidence of Jesus in me and He'd know there was no more need to ask. If he read the words I write today, he'd see his own written words in them as I see mine in his. That's only accomplished by the Holy Spirit's influence. And that's why I wept when I read his writing. Finally, we have much in common. We both see the benefit of looking back over our lives and listing out our God-given gifts. And if I were to list mine, they'd look really similar to his. I love that his #1 gift listed is Delma. "A Christian Wife." (Proverbs 18:22 Proverbs 31:10-31) #2, to understand the Bible. It's no longer just words on a page for me either. It's life from the dead. There is no other book I want to spend quality time with. I wish Mac was still here to share reading and learning from it with. To understand the Bible is a gift from God only given to His children. #3 and #4 go without saying. #5, "a church where we meet the Holy Spirit." The Bible is a closed book without the benefit of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Part of not being deceived is having spiritual discernment that comes from the Holy Spirit. It is He, in us, that transforms us from dead to alive. From Rolly to Mac. Without the Holy Spirit, you are lost. #6, "Glad I found God years ago." I'm going to take a stab at what he might have meant here, "Finding God early saved me from a lot of misery and a life filled with emptiness." I always tell Mark that I wish we had met 5 years earlier because that would have saved me much misery. And I think of God in the same light. If I'd continued in His Word even after we moved to WA, that would have spared me a lot of misery. Probably saved Mac a lot of heartache and worry too. But things happened as God planned them out and I have a whole lot more appreciation for the gift of Salvation now than I did as a child. I certainly have come to a point of realization that I DO NOT DESERVE HIM. My good works are filthy rags. Isaiah 64:6 My heart is corrupt. Jeremiah 17:9 It is only through faith in Jesus's blood shed for my sins that I am in right standing with God. I am a sinner saved by faith not by works. 1 Timothy 1:15 Period.

Look at the scriptures Mac wrote on the top of his notes. His sermon, I will revive.

Deuteronomy 8:3

So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the LORD.

The Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. God ordered this in order to humble them, to show them they needed His Words to nourish them much more than anything carnal or worldly. It took me 35 years to be humbled, and see my need for His Words above all else. I guess I did a little better?

Deuteronomy 6:16

“You shall not tempt the LORD your God as you tempted Him in Massah.

Do you know what happened at Massah? The Israelites were whining again (weren't they always) because they didn't have anything to drink, asking, "Is God with us? Or not?" If He didn't do exactly what they wanted exactly when they wanted Him to, they were ready to abandon the faith. (Sound familiar?)

Deuteronomy 10:20-21

You shall fear the LORD your God; you shall serve Him, and to Him you shall hold fast, and take oaths in His name. He is your praise, and He is your God, who has done for you these great and awesome things which your eyes have seen.

My eyes have seen much, even in the wilderness, I cannot deny God did many awesome things for me. Even in those moments of doubt, His existence could not be denied for more than a few moments. And yet for 35 years I pushed Him to the background of my life when I did not like the life he laid in front of me. As a teen, I honestly didn't know better and once we moved to WA, I had no one to guide me on a regular basis. I will NOT allow this to happen to my children. While I know that I cannot made their personal decision to serve Christ for them, I can show them the correct path by which to follow Him so they'll not be deceived.

Hands Full - Judging

2011-08-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, Anna asked if the cousins of our neighbor's granddaughter could come over to play. The granddaughter comes to play nearly every day but I generally do not allow the cousins to come here to play nor allow Anna to go to their house to play if they are over. It never ends well; a lesson learned through experience. On that day, like many before it, I said no. Anna walked away sad and after she left the room, Daniel asked me why I didn't want those kids over. I reminded him of what happened at the granddaughter's birthday party (something very inappropriate said by one of these kids later blamed on my kids after they left the sleepover at 2am in disgust over it) and the other child's also very inappropriate interest in girls. (He's less than 10 years old and Anna told me she feels nervous about being alone with him even in our yard). I summed things up with, "These are not nice kids and I don't trust them. If I let them come over then I'll have to sit outside and "babysit" so I know what is said and done. I'm tired and I don't want to do this today."

Daniel's response to me was blog worthy. "But Mom, you're judging them! Jesus said He's the only one who can judge. You spend six hours a day reading about Jesus, you should know that!"

"Daniel, I want you to go get your Bible and show me where Jesus said He is the only one who can judge. If that is true, how are we to determine what is right and wrong?   How are we to evaluate each and every situation in this life? How am I to attempt to keep you kids out of harm's way and away from people who are going to cause you trouble?"

My conversation with Daniel was very one-sided after that, the details of which are not as important as the central theme of this entry which is the great deal of confusion surrounding the topic of "judging." Confusion that is entirely due to Biblical illiteracy. If you do not read and study the Bible in it's entirety for yourself (with the counsel of the Holy Spirit) but instead accept someone's interpretation of one line of Scripture taken out of context, you will be mistaken about much of the wisdom scripture has to impart. Simple reasoning and careful examination of the Word should prove whether one's interpretation is correct or faulty.

That said, the subject of judging is covered extensively in the Bible; why isn't the entire text a manual for deciphering right vs. wrong by God's standards and ultimately the plumb line by which everything that exists will be measured? Did He not give us His Word to use as a guidebook to judge all matters of this life?   Paul asks in 1 Corinthians 6:3 Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more matters of this life? God told the Israelites in Leviticus 19:15, "You shall do no injustice in judgment; you shall not be partial to the poor nor defer to the great, but you are to judge your neighbor fairly." Jesus said in John 7:24, "Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.”   These scriptures appear to contradict someone's interpretation of Jesus saying only He can judge. Furthermore that interpretation defies all common sense.

If Jesus truly said we are never to judge, than we are all guilty of this "sin." The fact is, we judge things and people every minute of the day and we lie to ourselves if we say that we do not. We meaning everyone; both the saved and the unsaved. For the saved, the Bible sets the standard of how to judge all things with impartiality and righteousness. For the unsaved, the standard by which morality is judged is different from person to person and the bar continues to be lowered as society accepts more and more depravity. And herein, we have two extremes in judging that are both dealt with in the Bible.    Knowing that scripture does not contradict itself, any contradiction then, is human error. One must dig deeper; study the scripture in context, search the Bible as a whole and further examine who the audience is in each instance to gain understanding on how that scripture should be applied. Just looking at Jesus's words in John 7, one can clearly see Him telling us not only that we are to judge but also that there is a right and wrong way of doing so.

Let's scrutinize the judging of humans because that's really the crux of the judging issue here isn't it?  No one complains when you say nice things about them but if you point out a sin, that's another matter entirely. Do not judge and Let he who is without sin through the first stone are the two scriptures most often abused when someone does not appreciate an appraisal of their sins. And let's face it, it sucks to have someone point out the ugly in you. Nobody likes it but it can be done lovingly, with compassion and righteousness. Unfortunately after so much misuse of the scriptures above, it would appear that Christians can no longer tell the difference between a loving rebuke and a merciless rake over the coals.  Some are so deeply entrenched in their sin that it no longer seems wrong to them; that is until someone points it out and then they use the above scripture to justify their sin because "WE ALL SIN (so it's okay)."   And certainly the world is filled with people who feel it's their job to judge everything everyone else does, minding everyone else's business but their own and they are those whom Jesus is talking to when He said, "Judge not." And it's usually the very same people who use "judge not" and John 8:7 (Let he who is without sin....) as a defense when someone points a finger back to them. You can see how the wisdom of scripture has been so diluted.

John 8:7 bears special mention because Jesus is dealing with people who bear false witness against a woman accused of adultery, the penalty for which was death. The penalty of bearing false witness was also death and once He pointed the accusers to THEIR sin, they left. Jesus is not fooled.  If someone falsely accuses another, they will be judged by Him. And yet, He showed mercy to the merciless here that we might learn a lesson if we'll dig deep enough to find it: do not twist His Words and Laws to justify evil as the merciless do. How often I have heard this scripture quoted by a person who used it improperly to justify their sin or the sin of another. I cannot help but find it interesting that words Jesus used to rebuke liars are now quoted by people who are lying to themselves about the condition of their souls. But I digress-

"Do not judge" is part of Jesus's first sermon and is directed at everyone in attendance; both the worldly and His followers. It's a warning for us all because we will all judge improperly if and when we are ignorant of His teachings. The scripture in context is, “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you." Notice Jesus clarifies His warning here as being for those who "judge" based on their own moral code, not His.  He sheds even more light on this by showing that the most judgmental people are also the biggest hypocrites. "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye." Matthew 7:1-5 Have you ever noticed that the person who most vehemently condemns someone else's sin is often the one whose guilt for the same sin is later exposed? (A certain NY Governor comes to mind here but there are many more examples) This is an example of this scripture "judge not or you'll be judged," coming to fruition. It's a warning and a promise to those who judge with self-righteous severity, sharp-tongued criticism, and condemnation.

Luke 6:37-45 is a similar account to Matthew's on this subject and goes into even greater detail. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned." Interesting that this one includes "do not condemn" and also "pardon." What does that mean but to forgive a repentant sinner. Forgive and do not bear a grudge after one repents. Do not condemn, but pardon. In 2 Timothy 2:24-26, Paul reminds us that, "The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will."

Let's now examine an instance of judging that God approved as being righteous. Have you read 1 Corinthians 5 in which Paul was dealing with a church that embraced a member who was sleeping with his father's wife?   This church had a BIG problem and rather than mourning the fact that such a sin had crept into their church, and rather than confronting the sinner privately and then corporately if he did not repent as lined out in Matthew 18:15-18, they chose instead to affirm the sin and even boast about it.   If Jesus truly meant that we are never to judge, then Paul is going to be in some very hot water when He stands before Christ over how he dealt with this.   Paul's exhortation to them would be shocking to many churches today.   How many misinformed Christians do you know who would cringe and scream, "Jesus said you cannot judge me" if it were they he was talking to?   Here is what he wrote to them, "You have become arrogant and have not mourned instead, so that the one who had done this deed would be removed from your midst. For I, on my part, though absent in body but present in spirit, have already judged him who has so committed this, as though I were present. In the name of our Lord Jesus, when you are assembled, and I with you in spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus, I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?"   1 Corinthians 5:2-5 Furthermore Paul goes on, v11, "I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one."  v13 "REMOVE THE WICKED MAN FROM AMONG YOURSELVES."

Let's explore this. The audience here is the church at Corinth. People who should have known better but let this moral decay slide to a point where they didn't see anything wrong with it. Sin unrepented from blinds us to the dangerous condition of our soul.  1 John 3:4-10 says that a child of God CANNOT practice incessant and unrepentant sin. If they do, they neither know Him nor belong to Him.  John minces no words pronouncing this judgment.  Now understand, as James says, we all stumble in many ways. (James 3:2) Or as Paul says, we all sin and fall short (Romans 3:23). Habitually practiced sin is not the same accidental slip as oopsie, I said a bad word because I was mad or I didn't deal with a situation as God would. (Forgive me, Lord!)   A Christian is not immune to sin but they also do not enjoy it nor practice it because they know it has consequences; namely that it separates them from God and will eventually bring about His discipline. If His discipline doesn't work and one just keeps on sinning, what sacrifice is left for them?   (Hebrews 6:4-8 see also 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and Galatians 5:19-22)

Paul's harshness with this church was not nit-picking accidental sins (slips) that we're all guilty of. (And that should tell us plainly that we should not be nit-picking someone elses slip-ups) As John writes, a Christian cannot practice a life of unrepentant sin nor endorse it or they are NOT a Christian. Something is very wrong if this is the case.   Paul was harsh on the church at Corinth because they didn't even recognize sin as sin. He further cited that their acceptance of that sin had defiled the entire church and put everyone within it in spiritual jeopardy. Hence, a little leaven leavens the whole lump. Sin spreads like wildfire if it's not stopped in it's tracks. It not only affects the sinner but everyone around them will be led astray if it's not cut off. Paul's judgment was to expel the sinner from the church with the hope that the sharp rebuke would lead those who remained to the godly sorrow that leads to repentance.   So what did the church do? If you read 2 Corinthians 2:1-12, you'll see that the entire congregation repented including the sinner and all were reconciled to Christ and when Paul came to visit this church in person, his visit was full of joy in their "obedience in all things." All was forgiven and everyone moved forward in the Lord.

It's worth noting that in 1 Corinthians 5, Paul clarifies to the church that while we may judge those within the body of Christ, we are NOT to judge the worldly who either do not know or reject God. Judging them is the Lord's job (1 Corinthians 5:12-13) and a waste of our time since they do not perceive sin as sin. 1 John 5:16-17 tells us that we should always pray that the Lord open their eyes to to sin so they may be reconciled to Him.

Confronting a Christian about their habitual sin with the hope and prayer that they would be led to repentance and forgiveness is the mark of compassion even though it may not feel at all as such at the time. The mark of cruelty is in the hypocrite who could care less if you repent. They only expose your sin as being so horrible that it's unforgivable in order to help justify their own sins or make themselves appear more righteous to others. Jesus is not confused as to our heart's motivation when we judge others so we need examine ourselves closely before ever saying a word to a fellow Christian about their sin.

I have experienced being "called out" about a certain practiced sin by a very much respected godly woman (Delma) and also many hypocrites. I knew I was living in sin and I didn't need anyone to point it out, but Delma being Delma, wanted me reconciled to God before I got so far away from Him that I could no longer be reached.   I blogged about it here because the way she went about talking to me, with so much loving kindness and compassion is something I'll never forget and hope that I can emulate if I ever need to confront another Christian in their practice of sin. Paul encourages us to imitate the faith of the godly and Delma was one whose faith is worth imitating. Certainly I learned that I do not want to imitate the hypocrites who, if they had had stones, would have mercilessly stoned me to death.

We all have to judge in order to live this life. And there is judging that is not sin.  God gave us the manual on this, that we should learn and teach our children to judge the difference.

PLEASE NOTE: Effective next week. "Hands Full" will move to Thrusdays. School is starting you know!

Hands Full - Love Remains and Reigns

2011-08-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

Our God-given honeymoon has lasted seven months and seven days. When I counted up the months and days this gift has lasted, it took my breath away. I cannot stop recognizing the significance of Biblical numerology especially when I see certain numbers come up repeatedly. At this point, I have enough faith to NOT need another confirmation of that which I'm already certain of, but it's still awesome to see it anyway!  Seven is the number for completeness; being good and perfect, nothing could be added or taken away to make it any better.  That's exactly how we feel about this special time we have had.

Ecclesiastes 7:8-10 says, The end of a thing is better than its beginning;   The patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.  Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry, For anger rests in the bosom of fools.  Do not ask, “ Why were the former days better than these?” For you do not inquire wisely concerning this.

The end of a thing is better than it's beginning. God's logic, not the world's for sure. The end of a job never feels better than the beginning because it becomes the origin of uncertainty. If you choose to focus on worry instead of God, it's impossible to be patient and wait for what He has in store.   It's also easy to get angry with God about what you thought He should have done, or should be doing now. Fear of the unknown leads to wishing for the days in the past where we were more sure of our future, even if that meant settling for something that even we can admit was not good for us. What we are really requesting here is a life where we can rely on ourselves more than God again.  God says that this is not wise.   After the initial shock of Mark's job loss wore off, (a few days time) we chose NOT to do any of these things.

I knew (and later shared with Mark) that I had been praying for a honeymoon for over a month's time and it appeared to me that my request had been granted - but quite a bit differently than I was imagining. (the difference being worldly vs. Biblical honeymoon.)   With each passing day we trusted, with more and more amazement, that my prayer was being fulfilled in the most amazing way, a Biblical honeymoon, and the provision we would need to keep the bills paid would be there for however long it lasted.   The choice to accept and fully depend on His provision has made this an incredibly healing and fulfilling time for us. Many who have been aware that Mark was unemployed have checked in on us along the way asking with some trepidation "how things are going" or "how we are doing." It's obvious they are waiting for a down-trodden, sullen or bitter answer because they hardly know what to say when Mark says this has been an amazing time and that we're thankful for it.

The "end of a thing" allows time to reflect upon it with the clarity of hindsight. God's works are always more apparent in the rear view. Mark's job abruptly ended and we had no doubt about how not good for him it had become well before he was released.  Mark endured the job for the same reasons everyone else does; jobs are scarce in this economy and the kind of job we've always looked for (one with flexibility and good proximity since I cannot drive) is even harder to come by.  Well, I'm so thankful God had other plans and forced them on us because that job added daily insult to the injury of Samuel's life and death upon Mark. Much more than we thought even as he was enduring it. Each day, Mark encountered other people's kids, either very sick or dying, many wards of the state without the benefit of parental love or an advocate.  Absolutely heartbreaking and infuriating all at the same time. (How can people abandon their kids? I don't care what's wrong with them!) The burden of watching that with the sorrow of not having Samuel with us was more than a person should have to bear and was eating Mark alive. Literally. Shortly after Samuel went to Heaven, Mark started having sporadic GI issues that became more regular and horrible as time wore on in spite of herbal treatment.   As it turned out, within a week of ending that job, 99% of those pesky issues vanished. Just like that! The 1% that remained, no longer stress related, responds to diet and herbs very well and now that we've had time to rest and watch his diet, we know the trigger of that 1% and avoid it (like the plague). His heart has been relieved of a great burden to be sure and as a result, his body has been healed too. Thank you, Jesus!

The end of our honeymoon is better than it's beginning. Proverbs 17:22b says that a broken spirit saps a person's strength and that sums up exactly how life felt to us at the beginning of this year. Mark and I were both feeling weary and just so trapped in our day to day life that it remained difficult to get anything more than the bare minimum accomplished around the house for lack of desire and energy.   And our weariness was getting worse, not better. That has all changed. Don't get me wrong, our zeal for the worldly life isn't renewed at all. We're continually weary of the injustices on the Earth, the materiality, the suffering, the death, and the ongoing struggles of just living on Earth (while longing for Heaven).  What is rejuvenated is our spirits and as a direct result of that, our bodies and minds. Proverbs 17:22a says that a cheerful heart is good medicine. And it is. The Lord removed the stressful burden from Mark's shoulders and the difference was immediate: night and day. Once that yoke was off Mark, the burden of sorrow I carried for him was also removed from my back and I felt much better as well. It took about a month for all of this to fully sink in but when it did we were free to fully enjoy what remained with the stress removed.

Do you know what remained?

Love.

Why, that was the whole point of the prayer for a honeymoon in the first place! To get back to the place where love reigned and everything else took a back seat to it as it rightly should.    1 Corinthians 13 stresses just how important love is saying that love is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen.   It will be our grounding strength in all things good and bad if we make cultivating it a priority.   And we should be doing just that. I fully understand what Paul means in Philippians 4:12-13, "For I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." And what is that strength? Love.

It's a blessing and a strength to all when you allow godly love to flow freely out of you but it's an even greater blessing and strength to you when God brings people into your life that not only accept that love as the tremendous blessing it is, but also return it. That love becomes a bond more precious than anything you could ever buy. Delma had it. It flowed like milk and honey so naturally out of her. Samuel had it. It may have been instilled in him from birth or it might have been born in a hospital room when his body was in a vegetative state and love was the only thing that sustained our hope and prayers that he'd recover as well as his will fight to live. At any rate, he loved as God does and the greatest losses in my life have been these two loves transported to Heaven before me.

Still, I have another such love in Mark and all three have the same love in me. I'd give up everything to have it - to keep it. Like the man in Matthew 13:44 who found the hidden treasure in the field and hid it before anyone else could find it before he could go out and sell all that he owned so he could buy it. Or like the merchant in Matthew 13:45 who found one pearl of great price, and went out and sold all that he owned to buy it. That's how I feel about these special loves God has put into my life. That's how I feel about the Lord.

According to 1 John 4:17, as we feel God's love being perfected in us, we grow more confident in our prayers being answered and less fearful of our standing before Him.   1 John 3:21-23 says, And if, dear friends of mine, when we realise this our hearts no longer accuse us, we may have the utmost confidence in God's presence. We receive whatever we ask for, because we are obeying his orders and following his plans. His orders are that we should put our trust in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and love one another. I truly know something as fact that I've merely suspected for a long time. God hears and answers prayers when you are first, obedient to Him and second, your heart's motivation in asking is purely love. My prayer was answered in a way far better than I ever expected I believe because it was motivated by love. And, I really didn't expect it to be answered at all - wishful thinking/praying, so imagine my surprise when I knew it was. I think we may look back years from now and ask, "Did that really happen?" because it will be even that much more an amazement in retrospect.

Our honeymoon accomplished in us far more than I could have imagined. While our physical bodies have certainly been strengthened, and while we definitely got many things accomplished around our home and for our family, the greatest fulfillment we have received in this seven months and seven days, has been in and from love; our love for each other and God's love for us (the knowledge that He'd really do what He did for us and the confidence that answered prayer brings me about my standing before Him) God's love is an amazing gift worth giving up every worldly ambition and material thing to obtain. It is one of the many benefits of being His Child.

We trusted that the Lord would provide a job for Mark when He wanted him to return to work that would give us the flexibility we needed for our family and be within a decent distance from our home. And so Mark started a new job this week; a job that one might say nearly fell out of the sky, but I won't say that. I know that you don't apply for a job at the University of WA with 60 other applicants, interview and get ranked #1, interview again with the "big boss" and still be ranked #1 without God's favor. It also helped that He had already installed two people into this job before Mark to "pave his way" if you will. There's a lot of flexibility, good benefits, and he is even given a 6 credit tuition grant each quarter if he wishes to attend classes there. His schedule will allow our family to have breakfast and lunch together before he leaves for the evening. Being able to share mornings and early afternoons together will in a sense, keep the ambiance of our honeymoon alive not to mention allow us to get things done during the week that when Mark worked a normal day shift, were left for weekends. So our weekends will continue to be free for more spirit refreshing activities such as hiking or just a Sunday drive vs. grocery shopping and such which, while still fun, doesn't refresh us nearly as deeply.

You might be wondering how our children fit into all this. They were all old enough to understand what it meant for Dad to lose his job especially in this economy. That news didn't thrill them. Daniel was most concerned and studied us daily for about a month before accepting that we were not perplexed about life and he shouldn't be either.   I kept the honeymoon part of this a bit of a secret from them. At first, I wasn't even certain it was really happening and I've learned to wait patiently, with my lips sealed until I am sure what I will tell them is true. That said, I still haven't officially told them it was a special honeymoon. They've heard us call it that and seen our glowing faces but they're used to our lovey dovey antics... So we added the word honeymoon to the mix, and we giggled about it often, it's all over their heads at this point. They have no way of comprehending the factors that led me to praying that prayer so it's TMI for them at this point. One day I'll share it with them, when it will bless their own marriages, of course. At this point, what's important information for them to understand is that we serve an "Our Daily Bread Lord" and it's time we remember that and live like it.  He meets our needs (not greeds) one day at a time. We live a simple frugal life, and we have for a very long time.  We don't have unnecessary expenses and are teaching our children to live the same way. Less is truly more. And if you lose your job, you can weather it a lot easier if you are already thrifty.  And more importantly, if you have love, everything extra is just that: extra. You have extra one day, then the next day you don't, no matter if love remains and reigns.

And through all this, I pray seeds for faith in God have been planted in our kids and take root deeply. It's one thing to say you trust God but it's another thing to live out the example.  I thank God for this opportunity to live out the faith He is growing deep in my heart as a witness to my children.   It's been an amazing time. I wish it could last forever and one day when we're in Heaven, it will, except that it'll even be better. Until then, love remains and reigns. And it's enough.

"Hands Full" is my Tuesday blog feature about the full time job of raising children according to God's Word. If you are a Christian parent who has chosen to forgo materiality to put your children first by being home with them, who may also homeschool them (an often thankless job the worldly show lowest esteem for), you will find this feature both an exhortation and an encouragement to keep living out the will of God. You will also find that, if you allow it, God will use your own children to teach and correct YOUR relationship with Him. Please feel free to share the link. To read the introduction to this series, click here.