Samuel's Shoes

Samuel never liked shoes.  He preferred his feet to be unencumbered. 

 He was the baby that you'd see out in public proudly wearing his full-footed jammies so that shoes were not necessary.  It was just easier that way.  Trying to get shoes on a baby is always a pain but trying to get shoes on a reluctant baby is near impossible.  So we never made it a big deal until after Anna was here and I could not carry both of them together.  Shoes then became a must.

We felt very lucky to find these shoes with his beloved "Blue" on them.   He was excited about them too.  We hoped his favorite character would make him less reluctant to put them on but he still wasn't convinced.  He did enjoy going places however, and after we explained that he had to wear the shoes in order to go "bye bye" his attitude about wearing them improved as long as we were putting them on to leave.  He still refused to wear them at home.   What ended up happening was that we'd put his shoes on right before walking out the door because as soon as we'd get them on, he wait by the door to be put into the car.  If we didn't leave right then, he'd start screaming at the door to go "bye bye" and that fit was worse then the original fit about wearing the shoes.  

He'd only worn those shoes a handful of times before that nightmarish eve we drove him to the hospital, shoeless, in his preferred full-footed jammies.  What we didn't know on that night was that it'd be about six months before shoes would even be necessary again.

 Many tears were shed over those "Blues Clues" shoes but more were mine than Samuel's.   Everytime I saw them in the initial three months of his hospitalization, tears rolled off my cheeks as I wondered if he'd ever return home again, much less walk and wear them again.  I just prayed that he'd live.

It took close to another year but he did get to walk in and enjoy those Blues Clues shoes.  On one special trip he put on several miles in fact.  On the day we took him to the Hoh Rain Forest, he took charge of the trail and was duly named "The Trailsman."  He led us on that day and the sorrows of the past year were forgotten for a time as we watched what we considered a miracle.  He out walked us!

Those shoes even touched the sands of Ruby Beach, where he enjoyed seeing the ocean for the first time.

He wore those shoes to the little beach in Renton where we often stopped on the way home from the hospital so he could see the ducks.   These were the days he actually ran.  He wanted to catch one of those ducks that seemed to transport him into his own little world where the painful reality of his life could be forgotten for a time.  They were free to fly away from anything that troubled them and I wonder if he was drawn to them because of their freedom. 

Samuel never walked right after he came home in 2004. He'd tiptoe, walk pigeon toed, or limp.   At times he walked like an old man.  Shoes magnified this and that's probably why he preferred not to wear them but by mid 2005, he stopped fighting me about wearing shoes.  He had learned that shoes often led him to places where he could enjoy life in spite of reality.

Believe it or not, there were actually three pairs of these in varying sizes and when Samuel grew out of the "Blue's Clues" shoes, these were what he wore.

The first pair, I bought for Daniel off of ebay.  I think they must be indestructible because not only did he wear this pair but also Samuel and Anna got to wear them too.

Samuel wearing Daniel's shoes.

We found this shoe in a smaller size locally and picked it up for Anna but I don't even remember where we picked up the larger sized one for Daniel when he grew out of the original pair.  I just know that at one time, all three had matching shoes to wear and as it turned out, they were great hiking shoes.

Lake Tipsoo

 Ipsut Falls

 Mud Mt. Dam

  

Carbon River

And even the pumpkin patch.  (Both he and Anna are wearing a pair in this pic.)

These shoes were never any of their favorites however.  Mostly because they tied and all the kids preferred shoes they could put on themselves. (velcro or slip on or for Samuel: none)  So they were usually reserved for fun outings in which there would be a lot of hiking.  

 Places like the Green Lake trail that had us all puffing as we hiked up and up.  It was this trail where Samuel seemed to be fading fast up until Mark scrambled down the hillside to get him water from Ranger Falls and he perked right up, amazingly, and ran almost the whole way back down.

 These were also great in the river basin areas because they were water proof.

He put many many miles on those shoes all around Mt. Rainier.  He loved exploring...wonder where he got that?

Anna's smallest pair of these shoes were given to our neighbors.  They were still in brand new condition.  The mid size pair is nowhere to be found.  I don't remember if I gave it away also.  The largest pair, size 12, had been missing one shoe for so long that I almost gave up finding it.  But last weekend while helping Anna clean her room, we found both shoes.  And they are still like new.  Only the right shoe even has interior foot indentations.  The left shoe appears to have never even been broke in.  As I said, Samuel never walked properly and Daniel didn't like these shoes much. (too lazy to tie them)

Samuel had many other pairs of shoes over his short life.  Many were Daniel's hand-me-downs and because of this, they wore out and were tossed.  He did like sandals fairly well and also slippers but when I bought him these boots for Christmas, you'd have thought I intentionally stepped on his toes.

He just could not understand why he'd ever need boots and he had no problem telling me he hated them.......right up to the day it snowed.

And then the dreaded blue boots were loved. 

And worn.

And he enjoyed one of the best days of his life in them.

It was a day I can only call Dayenu.  A gift among the thorns of his life.  A day I wish we could relive again and again because reality didn't set in and ruin it.

After that, they were all he wanted to wear, rain, snow or shine.

He even took them on one last hike at Mud Mt. Dam.  It was on this hike that I noticed he actually did not limp or even walk funny while he wore those boots so I decided it must be time to replace his every day shoes as they were probably worn funny.

By the time we got back to the store to buy new shoes, he wasn't walking anymore.  He was instead, sitting in his stroller.   His gut had been in distress for awhile and had finally manifested in it's usual painful way.  The news of another relapse was just days away from this one.  

When we bought these shoes, we could have never fathomed that they'd be shoes for child who was going to live in Heaven in a few short weeks. That they'd be the last shoes he'd ever pick out on his own on his last trip to Fred Meyer. We also didn't know he'd never actually walk in them.  They were the shoes that I carried him in while he was dying. 

There are no pictures of him wearing these shoes, they were not enjoyed.  There are no treasured memories.  They were just a means to an end.  Many tears have been shed over these shoes for the same reasons many were shed over the "Blue's Clues" shoes.  Only this time, all the tears were mine.  When you buy someone shoes, you expect them to need them.   Not be so sick that they can never walk in them.  Not to die before they even touch the ground. 

Anna has been able to wear Samuel's "Blue's Clues" shoes and all the Nikes.  She has worn the blue boots for the last three years regardless of fit.  She just loved them and I think that she has been comforted  by being able to wear them for so long.  However, none of these now fit her and we cleaned them out of her closet last weekend.   They will be packed up with his clothing that we saved shortly but currently they are all sitting in a pile at the top of the stairs as proof that he lived against a world that forgets or just simply doesn't know of him.  It may be awhile before I lay them to rest with the rest of his clothes.  It's just too much right now.  And at this time of year where sorrow is mixed heavily with joy regardless of what you may perceive on my face, through my actions or by my words, my sadness is not fulfilled.  It is not over and I am not "all better" now no matter how uncomfortable that may make some.   Proverbs 14:13 is so fitting. It says that even in laughter the heart may be in pain, And the end of joy may still be grief.   There will always be pain and there will always be grief until the day we are reunited.  Just because I don't wear it as heavily doesn't mean a tear isn't just as near.

Samuel never did like to wear shoes.  He preferred his feet to be unencumbered and they have been for over 3.5 years now.  While I'm happy for him to be as free as the birds he loved, his shoes still make me cry as I remember the days he walked on Earth.