They had a neat and tidy, simply furnished, cozy home in the country complete with one dog and two cats, one of which isn't going to be baby compatible but they have yet to fully grasp what that means. The baby's room wasn't quite ready and other than "Susie's" growing tummy, there wasn't much evidence that a baby is soon to join them. She said relatively little about her new son but we conversed quite a lot about our animals which was fine. This was not a bad thing. It just means the reality of parenthood and what that entails is not yet known to her. She has prepared for what she understands thus far and that is all she can do. There are more than enough resources on pregnancy, birth, and baby necessities, but as far as becoming a parent goes, nothing in a book or on a message board prepares you for that except being that.
Like them, Mark and I put our all effort into maintaining a healthy pregnancy, gathering basic baby supplies and preparing for a homebirth. Beyond that, we were pretty clueless about what life would be like when Kaysha finally arrived. As I'm writing this, it is October 19th. 15 years ago today, Mark and I went shopping for the last time as a married couple without children. Of course we didn't know it at the time. Even though my due date was November 7th, we knew we needed to get some loose ends tied up before Kaysha arrived as I was already dilated to 4cm at my 37 week appt. We needed new tires for our truck and new boots for me as both were very worn out so we spent a good portion of that Saturday getting these things out of the way. We arrived home at about 7:30pm and around 8pm, my water broke. It was exciting and shocking all at the same time. I couldn't help but think, "Are we ready for this?" And I didn't just mean the birth. At 6:33am the next morning, we became parents. At 10am, everyone who attended the birth left and it was just Mark, Kaysha and I. It was still exciting and shocking, but you could now add frightening to the mix.
Susie wondered out loud if she could love her son as much as she loved her golden retriever. I think she was a little embarrassed that she said that out loud but I assured her that I wondered the same exact thing when I was carrying Kaysha. I couldn't help but think back to how I felt about Kaysha after she was born. Love was there - somewhere in the background - but mostly what I felt was fear, uncertainty and very much like a failure.
She was born 3 weeks early and did not nurse well. As a result, she cried a lot and we didn't know why until she was a two days old and had went from 7'4" to 6'2". It was scary. Toni had me pump and bottle feed which was horrible and Kaysha never learned to nurse which was even worse. Mark wasn't able to take any time off from his job in the days after the birth (because we could not afford it) so I was alone that first three weeks trying to cook, clean, and take care of my brand new baby who screamed from a colicy tummy nonstop. I ended up returning to work four weeks post-partum and brought Kaysha with me. That was a disaster as well because she slept in the car but cried in the office. I got nothing accomplished other than to feel more and more like a failure. At 7 weeks old, I started dropping her off with Mark's Dad three days a week, with formula, so I could go to work. So much for the bliss of a "babymoon." I felt guilty for leaving her and like a horrible mom when I picked her up. It was miserable!
I asked Susie if she had family close by to help them after their son arrives and it sounds like they do, but we had a lot of family nearby too, yet Mark and I struggled through the first weeks of Kaysha's life pretty much on our own and it was awful for the most part. I couldn't help but wonder if Susie has anyone who would truly be helpful to her or if after the newness of the baby's arrival wore off, people would just disappear leaving her to figure it all out for herself. Knowing how that scenario plays out, I hope that is not the case.
Sometime after Kaysha was born, an experienced mom, Teri, who I "met" through a message board while I was still pregnant, tried to console me in some of my saddest moments - the ones where I said I'd never have another child. She told me I needed to have at least two children: one to learn on and one to enjoy and let heal my heart. She promised me, the second one would be completely different though I wasn't sure I believed her. Yet, something inside me warmed to the idea and we tried for a pregnancy in the fall of 1997.
Daniel was born 22 months after Kaysha and Teri was right. Mothering Daniel healed my heart of many wounds it suffered over being an inexperienced mother to Kaysha and I enjoyed his babyhood tremendously. I was even able to work from home by the time he was born which was a super bonus. While a lot of my fear and uncertainty was forgotten once Kaysha started sleeping well at night and not screaming her head off all day long, the feelings of inadequacy never vanished until the day Daniel latched on and nursed like a champ. My heart was healed completely on that day. I felt a bond and love for Daniel immediately that I never felt with Ksysha. That is unfortunate because it didn't have to be that way.
Here are some things books don't tell you about motherhood. First, while mothering is a lifetime commitment, it is one which we were never supposed to forge out on our own. According to Titus 2:3-5, no mother should be going it alone. Proper mothering is to be taught by "older women," usually your mother or even grandmother but only if she is obedient to God. If she is not, then pray for her, but also ask God to provide another Mom to stand in the gap for you. There are a barrage of "Mothering" forums these days where fellow moms can go to support each other and while this is well and good, it's popularity and necessity suggests to me that there are a lot of Moms out there who have dropped the ball leaving their daughters to grope through the darkest days alone. This should not be. There is no substitute for a godly "Mom" and we will be much better mothers if we ourselves have a Mom we can respect and want to learn from and imitate. Second, motherhood is a constant test of the heart. God gifts us with a precious, innocent and helpless replica of ourselves and each day that child lives, we make the choice whether or not we will honor His wishes as we raise that child. Will we remain faithful and raise the next generation of godly mothers and fathers, or will we become selfish and leave our children to struggle and suffer for our mistakes? Third, motherhood is a good barometer of Agape's growth or decline in us. It tests our patience, kindness, humility, demeanor, selflessness, temperance, forgiveness, compassion and faithfulness. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) We constantly show the world our faith in God, or lack of it, in the way we "love" our children
May we all strive to be the Proverbs 31 Mother. There is no higher honor than being a godly mother.
Proverbs 31:25-31
Strength and honor are her clothing; She shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her saying, “ Many daughters have done well, But you excel them all.” Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, And let her own works praise her in the gates.
Happy 15th Birthday, Kaysha! This may not mean much to you today, but I promise you I'll always be there for you, your children and your children's children....should the Lord tarry ;-) No matter how rocky the start of your life was, you were much loved and still are, though you do test my agape quite thoroughly at times. I know we'll both be better for it down the road.
With love,
Mama
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