My Dad always had a thing for junk old vehicles and it seemed the uglier it was, the more he liked it. None of us (Mom, sister, brother) ever understood it. Sometime in my late teens, he owned a Datsun wagon similar to this.
He always told us what a great car it was and how much he loved it. He said that every time he drove it, he felt like he should open the window and throw money on the ground for all the people less fortunate than him. We thought he was absolutely nuts. A tan (got to be the most ugly car color ever) station wagon? Felt like you were in a pop can (or rat trap) when you rode in it. A four speed (read gutless). We thought he should take all the money he wanted to throw on the ground and buy himself something "decent."
He could afford a nice car. My Mom drove a nice new Dodge truck and also had a Corvette. (Paid off I might add) Yet he always seemed to enjoy the junkers and he owned so many different ones that our yard looked like a used car lot, or junkyard depending on your perspective. But this car - we kids hated it most and took every opportunity available to make fun of it. (We were awful) To us, it was so old and ugly that we did our best to never be seen in it. When it was time for my sister and I to learn to drive a stick shift, we laughed about all the things we could plow with it and how it wouldn't matter because it was already so hideous. A few dents might improve its appearance in our opinion.
My Dad would find what I'm about to say comical if he actually read my blog. I finally understand what he meant by the whole, throwing money on the ground thing. And this year, that is where I am at. Let me explain.
In 2009, I posted Where I Am At to recap all the emotions and work of sifting through grief in the first year after Samuel left us. That was my "Job" year. It was a job too but I am referring to Job in the Bible. He endured his worst nightmare during which he spoke with "friends" about all the things he knew about God. He listed out all the things he wished to have God answer in regard to his situation. In the end God showed up and asked him a barrage of things to which Job said in Job 42:2-6
“I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’
It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me.
You said, ‘Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.’
I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”
Before Samuel's death day, I knew about God and like Job, a lot of what I knew was wrong. From Samuel's death day forward, I came to know God and in doing so, found I had to repent and relearn much. That was how I spent the first year after Samuel, getting to know Him and allowing Him to walk me through the most traumatic experience of my life. That was the year I went from simply believing He existed to unshakably knowing He lives.
The recap helped me see where I had been that past year and realize that I had grown a lot - in Him and out of grief so I wrote another one for 2010, the second year without Samuel. The heaviest grief had subsided into the dullness of reality without him here. In the first year, grief is so heavy that many people fear looking upon it. It is as if you have a gaping bloody wound with organs hanging out and it scares people. They flee possibly thinking that if they don't look at it, it cannot happen to them. That's exactly what happened.. 90% of our support while Samuel lived disappeared completely. The second year, apparently the wound is covered enough that people can ignore it because that then is what they did. Just pretend Samuel never lived. Never speak his name. Assume all is well but don't ask just in case it isn't. Last year was harsh with some very dark areas; I did not feel I fit into this world and people just expected me to live as if none of the tragedy ever happened, as if Samuel never existed. Obviously impossible.
This year's recap is a near 180 to last year's. Experts will tell you that there is no timeline for grief to subside to a place where life feels "normal" and worth living again and some people use this as a license to never recover. I know a few such people and I just want to ask them, "Do you truly want to recover your life or do you just want to drain all the sympathy and attention that last 10% of people have left for you?" And I ask that in the nicest way possible. From where I stand there is only one way to reclaim your life and that is to seek the One who allowed tragedy to happen, humble yourself before Him and allow Him to walk you through it. The time it takes for life to feel normal and worth living again depends on the effort you put into trusting Him, learning from Him and allowing Him to bend and mend your heart.
Since last year's recap, it has been a time of Him cutting things out our our lives in order to heal and mature that which remains. It became quickly obvious that it was time to move away from the grief of Samuel's life to deal with the griefs of our own lives minus Samuel, both past and present. Very painfully and abruptly, people were cut out of our lives. And also unexpectedly, Mark joined the ranks of the unemployed. On the surface and initially, both things seemed very dismal. But, I've found that when He cuts things out of your life, it's because they are not good for you anymore. Or because you need to step away from those things in order to gain perspective and discernment and there was no other way for you to have either one while you were immersed in it. Trusting Him in such precarious areas does result in more good than bad and that's how things have been for us. For Mark who continued to work in an environment of sick and dying children for years after Samuel left us, this separation has been good. The job was very hard on him emotionally. Like dredging up the past over and over and still being able to do nothing about it. He was never able to be fully comforted in his own grieving process or move beyond it in that environment. He's had a solid six months to just be and it's been very good for him (and me and the kids too. When Daddy's home every day is a holiday to us). I blogged a bit about God's healing of the "Tamar" part of my life here. It wasn't too long after that experience of resurrection that I began asking God to allow Mark and I to have another honeymoon to fully enjoy the restoration. Considering the first one was a bust with the stigma of being pregnant before the wedding, considering the last several years were atrocious at times, and finally considering the unimaginable gift He had just given me, I hoped this was too much to ask. I was thinking something like a couple day getaway. Just Mark and I - no kids obviously, but I just didn't know how that would be possible, either financially or otherwise. And that was all before he lost his job.
It was less than a week after the job loss that I realized my prayer was answered, just not in the way I had expected. It was better. So much better that I just started laughing like Sarah must have laughed when God told her she was going to have a baby when she was 90. It just didn't seem possible and yet it was coming to pass. A true Biblical honeymoon which I knew about but would have never expected. Deuteronomy 24:5 “When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken. I realized I needed to share this with Mark who was still understandably upset about not having a job. He was unaware of my prayer for another honeymoon at that time. I told him that I had something to confess but I was certain that I wasn't going to be able to get all the words out without laughing. Through giggles, I told him about the prayer and what a Biblical honeymoon looked like and that it seemed to me that this prayer was answered. His response, "So this is YOUR fault?" More laughter. How would it be possible? Well, God has provided for us for six months now and this entire time, we've both called it our honeymoon and enjoyed it as such. It's been an amazing time of rest, renewal, pushing through some walls, some grief and growing in our relationship. It's been SO wonderful, I cannot even tell you how much we both needed this time. We continue to trust God for provision and a future job as He sees fit.
I knew that the Olive Garden experience was significant of something from the moment it began but it's taken me 5 months (to the day) to figure it out. It has a lot to do with throwing money on the ground except I'll change the analogy a bit to throwing blessings on the ground. This happened exactly one month into our "honeymoon" when we were still feeling a bit precarious about how it was going to work out long term. I wanted us both to dump all the what-if fears and concerns to just enjoy the blessing. But I am also a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" kind of person so I was afraid to fully immerse myself in what God had put in front of us. Part of me felt like I didn't deserve such a huge favor. Part of me was afraid that if I let myself fully enjoy it, everything would fall apart. So on the drive to the restaurant, I was throwing my blessings on the ground; I made myself feel guilty for wanting to enjoy such amazing blessings while our friends were enduring trails in their own lives. Trials that I could not ease for them. Trails that I could not take on for them. Trials between them and God. Sitting in the Olive Garden after throwing my blessings on the ground did not result in blessing. Instead He reminded me quite clearly without even a warning of the (no words for this) monstrous, bitter, awful, years of suffering we endured with Samuel as well as the tremendous loss and cross we carry the rest of our lives without him. We've paid a high price for the lessons we learned through that that now go toward a future glory. Samuel paid the ultimate price to teach all of us with his life and I know his reward for this will be exceedingly great. But this knowledge doesn't change the fact that you could stab me with a knife over and over again and never come close to the pain I feel in my heart, still, even now, because he's not here. And right there in the middle of a restaurant, for God and everyone to watch play out, that agony was again as fresh as it would be if it had only just occurred. I left angry at Him for the ambush. He pushed all the right buttons all at once and left me in a terrible emotional state for days to come. And for what point exactly? As I said, it's taken awhile to figure out.
Mark and I have survived a horrible ordeal together. It was not just some little blip in our lives easily forgotten. I realize over and over just how unbelievable and awful things were - for a very long time - when I try to describe them to a person who knows nothing about what we endured. How did we manage it all? I always come back to that question as do others. We are still physically and emotionally tried and tired. I'm not sure we have the strength to endure another hardship even half comparable to Samuel's lifetime. I hope we'll never have to go through anything this harsh on our hearts again. We'll carry this sorrow until God removes it in Heaven. While I know God holds my future and I trust Him now more than ever, I have a nagging fear that the minute we find joy without immense sorrow in this life, that joy will be ripped away from our hands and sorrow will solely remain. I hate typing that out but it's true. The world calls it PTSD but God would call it a lack of faith in His goodness. So, I know I need to let it go.
In Job 42:12, after Job repents and is reconciled to God, the LORD blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning. There are no more recorded "shoe droppings" for Job. He endured some hideous losses as well as physical torment but when Job SAW God he also saw his own vileness and knew his lowly place in this world. No one could take the experience or what it did in his heart away from him. No one and no thing from that point on would have been able to shake his confidence in his Lord. During that trial, though he wavered a bit, he had proven himself faithful to God. I assume that was the end of the major trials and temptations for him because there is only blessing recorded after that. James 1:12 Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. I pray I'm there - approved. I cannot speak for Mark but like Job, no one and no thing will ever again make me doubt God's existence, love for us, and faithfulness to His children. I think this is a point God wants us all to reach with Him but because we are often rebellious, we suffer worse and worse trails as He continues to try to reach us. This is why we are vile. You'd think He could reach us in His goodness but often it isn't until we're the most broken lost souls that we finally humble ourselves, listen and obey Him. We are vile and He is far greater than we can imagine and again I'll say that I pray I've been approved in His sight and that our gut wrenching trials similar to Job's, are over. I do not expect a life with no hardship, just hope and pray for less horrible sicknesses and deaths to so personally dawn my doorstep. I realize just how depraved I am when He tries to bless me; I know I don't deserve it and at the same time, I don't want to lose the blessing. There is a word for this feeling: Dayenu. Yesterday's blessing would have been enough and still there are more, and more, and more. And some are just so unbelievable that I can do little else but smile and laugh because I am so happy. He is so good!
Blessings are meant to be enjoyed, especially dayenu blessings. Not thrown on the ground for those "less fortunate" as my Dad would say. Those he felt were less fortunate than him were the very same people who would drive by and make fun of his car. They had no way of appreciating it's value. It ran well, got good gas mileage, and he didn't have to slave away at a job he despised to own it. Sadly for him, it was the most faithful thing in his life and in his mind, like mine, in order to hang on to this blessing, he somehow thought that he needed to throw the money he was saving (which was the blessing) away thus throwing the blessing on the ground. The fact of the matter is that he learned to enjoy that blessing the hard way; by driving an expensive car he had to work long hours just to enjoy, or by having one which always needed repairs, or by having one you had to be "careful" with since it was new.
Most people would look at our family today and never see our blessings. Some feel sorry for us. Others might say that we must be horrible, indecent people and God is punishing us for it. Let's see what they see: our son got cancer and a whole lot of other horrible things, we incurred a huge amount of debt and then he died. Mark is currently unemployed. We are not enamored with "stuff" so don't own anything you'd be jealous of and covet. On the surface, our life today looks pretty bland, boring and that 90% would say sad. Yet we treasure our quiet simple life together. We've had enough drama.
What God was trying to show me at the Olive Garden was that He alone knows the depth of my pain and how much my heart has suffered through it. But that time of trial is over and whatever tomorrow holds is out of my control. Worrying about it will destroy my enjoyment of today. Trying to enjoy the blessing for those who may never learn to do the same won't keep my blessings coming either. My blessings from Him are simply that: mine. And this is obviously a time for blessings as evidenced by so much dayenu so I am offending Him by asking for such a great favor, having Him grant it, and then being afraid to enjoy it. He cannot bless me at all if I continually throw the gifts He gives me on the ground. Apparently I have the opposite problem of the one Job speaks of when he asks, "Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” Seems I need to relearn how to accept the good. Forgive me, Lord, for expecting rotten apples and mirages from You who have only shown Yourself to me as good. I still have a lot to learn.
And P.S.
I still hate that Datsun but I definitely understand the treasure in older cars (that are not junk) which is why we own a Bronco. Mark's been fixing it up little by little and repainting it because sky blue is yet another horrible car color.
Dayenu!
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