"it is cool that you are recording all of your feelings because it is always better to be real and honest with kids. Anna will grow up fine, not scarred by the "neglect" of her first years. She will be fine because she will grow up knowing how it really was and that it was just a matter of fact. The kids that are screwed up are the ones whose parents try to make things seem/sound better than they were. The kids feel some kind of hole inside and can't figure out why and everyone makes them feel like it is their imagination. You'll be like, "ya, Anna... we totally put you last and felt overwhelmed for your first year or so. that is why you are so independent now and strong. I am proud of that part of your Spirit." and she'll be like, "ya, man... I'm cool and tough cuz I got through that." kwim? She'll feel like that is the sacrifice she made for her big brother - and that it was worth it and necessary - AND she will proud of herself that she did it and came out better for it. If you play it right, she'll be a hero, not a kid to feel sorry for. The biggest thing you can do for her is let go of the guilt. This is your life. This is what happened. That is how you handled it. You got through it, now it's over and things are great now. done. PRAISE GOD!"
This grabbed me so strongly that I copied it outside the journal to read and reread; so it would not be lost again. Kristina was my rock during the years that Samuel lived and what she wrote here regarding Anna has come to pass. She is strong, independent, and FINE. Not scarred from neglect. Now, we haven't had this conversation as it is posed in this note because as of yet, it hasn't been necessary. She is patient, kind, loving, loyal and quite possibly the most forgiving child I know. She is fully secure in our love for her and that is such a gift from God.
Interestingly enough, it is the child we spent the most one on one time with as a baby and younger child, who questions whether or not they are loved by us. We didn't even see that coming and yet here it is. Sadly, at some point in this child's life, the truth of godly love was exchanged for the lie of worldly love and I am finding it's a frustrating thing to correct. One thing I am certain of is when this replacement began and what fueled it: Samuel's first year of cancer.
In one day, the older children's entire lives changed. I was just thinking the other day that Anna is about as old now as Kaysha was when Samuel went to the hospital for what seemed like forever. Daniel was five. How could they ever really comprehend all that at those ages? Answer: they could not. Probably still haven't. Certainly there are childhood things in my own life that I have only recently come to fully understand. So, in their mind, in one day, my day to day relationship with them ended and the compensation for this tragedy for them became gifts from other people. At the time, it was a good thing; it was a distraction. Kindness shown to them by so many so they would not feel left out when Samuel received so much. But in Samuel's case, the gifts were received during one of the worst times in his life and they helped him cope. There was always something new for him to do or look at and for that, I will always be grateful to everyone who gave. Somehow though, one of my children mistook the gifts as a replacement for real love instead of the crutch they were meant to be to get through a hard time. So, when the gifting and overcompensating ended - when Samuel's life ended, this child has felt unloved. The transition has been and continues to be rough; that true love and relationship is not measured in gifts and endorsement of self will is a tough life lesson but one we all need to learn if there is any desire for real joy and satisfaction in this life.
When a child does not fully believe that you love them and have their best interests in mind, this is where you find such things as murmuring, disobedience and worse. If they find another adult who allows or even encourages this dishonor, it will not be easily corrected as now they have found a place to get away with it. In extreme cases, cutting the child off from such a person is helpful. Such a person does NOT love the child in a godly manner. They are not looking out for your child nor loving them but are instead seeking to stir up strife in your home. Said person does not know or fear God because if they did, they would not so eagerly participate in a sin God lists as most hated. (Proverbs 6:16)
In many cases, however, said person is a family member and cutting them off isn't always a solution - though for a time, it can be if necessary. Here is where being real and honest comes in. This dishonoring based on selfishness is a big problem in itself but the enabling of it is an even bigger problem which needs to be nipped in the bud. Both parties need to be informed of your expectations. reasoning and additionally the consequences of continued defiance. If the defiance continues, follow through with the consequences. Honor your own words. As Delma's best friend Roberta reminds me, "These are YOUR children and YOU need to decide what is best for them, not somebody else. You don't account for somebody else, you answer for you and the children God gave you." It goes without saying that your child will find opportunity to despise you for a time (and so may the other person) and that hurts, but ignoring the problem will not make it go away. I'd rather be despised for awhile than allow my child to be deceived by fleshly desires which will result in a life filled with "chasing the wind." (read Ecclesiastes for reference) Furthermore, I do not want to be the mother of a leech who, when they have their own children, will compound the problem further. Proverbs 30:15, The leech has two daughters— Gimme and Gimme more! There are three things that are never satisfied, Four never say, “Enough!”
We have the Biblical promise (Proverbs 22:6) that if we train our children as the Bible instructs, when they are adults, they will not depart from that instruction. Note it does not say that while they are still children they will not depart from it nor does it say it will be a walk in the park. They will test us, try us, and wear us down if we allow it. Many of the things we are teaching them today they will not fully understand until adulthood. Everything we do for them lays the foundation for their adulthood. As godly parents, first and foremost, we need to be an example of God's love in how we deal with our children, our spouses and others. We cannot ask our children to behave in a manner which we do not emulate. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7, Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn’t jealous. It doesn’t sing its own praises. It isn’t arrogant. It isn’t rude. It doesn’t think about itself. It isn’t irritable. It doesn’t keep track of wrongs. It isn’t happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up.
Children need to know that no matter what, they are secure in our love eternally; that our love for them is not disposable when things do not go as planned or hoped for. Disappointment does not equate love loss. Disappointment is simply disappointment. Correct rebellion swiftly forgiving immediately when there is repentance as God does for us. Ask their forgiveness if YOU screw up because it happens. Humility earns respect in adults and children alike. Talk to them all the time. Answer their questions as honestly as you can. If you have topics that are "off-limits" and refuse to speak of, they will simply ask someone else who may give them answers you don't agree with so be prepared to have real conversations and listen too. Explain, and explain and keep explaining until they understand. Some lessons they will need to learn the hard way. That's just fact. Allow it. Then be a safe place for them to fall. By that they will realize that we are in this life with them for the long haul, come what may, we will NOT give up on them. When that happens, security in your love will come too.
Children need to know what godly love is not; love with contingency plans, love with a plan B, love dependent on our terms is "worldly love" and not godly love at all. It's selfishness and accomplishes nothing eternally. This kind of "love" destroys it's own soul and the souls of others. While Christians are called to show godly love to the worldly, they are by no means called to marry them nor raise their children up to love that way. If Samuel hadn't fully believed and felt secure in our love for him, he surely would have lost the will to live in 2004. The fact that while dying, he told me that he'd always know how much I loved him tells me that I loved him the way God loves him and calls us to love each other. As it is written in Romans 8 about the love of Christ, so should it be said of our love for our own children as well as for our spouses, Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Parents need to trust that that God will keep the promise of Proverbs 22:6 as we strive to raise godly children, even when we see little to no evidence of that promise. It will come. That is what faith is. Hebrews 11:1, Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. And one day we, and our children will look back and rejoice in it.
1 comments:
Thanks so much for your encouraging words today (on your blog and your comments on mine:) Being transparent isn't easy, but sowing the seeds of pain and sorrow will reap a harvest for our own faith and the strengthening of others. Thanks so much!
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