Samuel's Kisses

Samuel went to Heaven three days before Mother's Day, 2008.  I remember briefly thinking, "at least it wasn't ON Mother's Day," as if that was of any consolation.  It wasn't like so many other "holidays" weren't ruined over his years anyway, what's another one.   At some point down the line, I realized that in 2011, this year, today, his Heavenly Birthday and Mother's Day would be one in the same.  Three years later, the dates collide.

Curiosity made me look forward on the calendar to see then the next collision of dates would occur.  That'd be 2016, five years from today also the eighth year of his relocation.   Yesterday, I was led to look backward on the calendar to see when a date collision had occurred while Samuel was still living.  It was 2005, three years before he left us.  Anyone seeing these number patterns?  There are 3's, 5's and 8's again.  Some of you might remember this post about the numerology "message" God led me to shortly after Samuel left.   The number 3 refers to what is solid, real, substantial, complete and entire. In Scripture, 3 denotes Divine Perfection or Completeness.   5 is the number of grace and divine strength given to man. Words in Hebrew that only occur five times in the Bible are gift, innocence, gladness, to sing, rest, certainty, and the Comforter or Advocate which refers to the Holy Spirit.   The number 8 in the Bible signifies a new beginning, the divine connection between the natural and supernatural, divine destiny.  For most of this year, I have been half-heartedly trying to figure out what significance God must have had in mind for this date collision. It's painful, to be certain. Yet I know Him well enough to know that if He allows us to suffer, there is something He wants us to learn, something He wants us to know, or something He wants us to find.


I decided to look back at the journal to what I wrote on Mother's Day, May 8, 2005, and to see what we were doing at that time.  I was rejoicing in the miracle of Samuel's living while journaling a play by play of the events that occurred in the year prior.   Interestingly enough, I did not journal on 5/8/06 because I had a cold/virus of some sort and felt awful.  As I write this, I'm battling yet another cold that just came on last night.  I journaled on 5/4 and 5/9/06 and when I read these words, I came completely undone.

We went in (to the hospital) on a Tuesday.  He got Vincristine on a Wednesday.  He was miserable all week, and rarely talked.  Everyone told us that with pneumonia, it hurt too much to talk.  I accepted that.  He did not want to be held.  Again, everyone told me that he would be really sore, I accepted that too.  I spent Mother's Day with my Mother at the hospital.  Mark stayed home with the kids.  Samuel had had a rough week.  The following Monday after Mother's Day, Samuel woke me up at 5am asking for kisses.  It seemed strange but I was so happy to hear him talk and ask for kisses that I gave him lots of kisses.  He held my face and kissed me five or six times.  After that, he was mostly silent for almost three months.  That was the last affection he showed me.


The day after Mother's Day, he held my face and kissed me five or six times, and after that, everything went downhill.  He stopped communicating and his body had everything go wrong short of dying.  May was a VERY bad month for Samuel.  Nearly everything bad that happened, that set him up for death, happened in May.  What has me undone is the fact that an angel had to have woke him up and whispered to him to kiss his Mama goodbye early that morning in 2004 just as one had to have done in 2008.  At the time, I didn't know that his love in those moments was to cover three months of him being in a vegetative state.  It wasn't until a year later that I realized the significance of those kisses and even then I didn't get it.  Not really.  I do now and only because it was at 5:30am, this very morning, three years ago, that he woke me up, gave me kisses, blew raspberry kisses to Mark, gave me the biggest strongest hug I have ever received, held our hands and went to live with Jesus.  An angel had to have, again, whispered into his ear.  And in both instances, he did not, with his mouth, say goodbye.  

This parting will not last forever, just as the one in 2004 did not last forever.  Both are bitter silences, with a few rays of light here and there.  In 2004, there was the brief occasion where Samuel spoke something quickly before retreating back to himself.  And in the last three years, there have been occasions where he has broken the silence as well. 

Samuel woke us up on 7/31/2004 speaking real words after 80 days of near silence and utter despair over not knowing if he had significant brain damage.  On that day, our sorrows departed and joy unspeakable filled us.  Our boy came back to us.  Our boy was given back to us and we rejoiced and thanked the Lord for it and I still do.   That day marked a positive turning point for all of us.  Hope emerged strongly on that day.

And now, today, our boy waits for us to be given to him.  What I wouldn't give to hear him call my name.  What I wouldn't give to have him hold my face and give me kisses; kisses of greeting, and not parting.  This remembrance of Samuel's parting kisses is my gift of encouragement this Mother's Day. It reminds me that this is not forever even though there are times when it feels like forever.  It reminds me also that even though he is mostly silent, and feels so far away, he's still with us just as he was in 2004.  He's waiting on God's timing just as we are.   Looking at the dates and the numerology reminds me that God's hands are always holding us and He is always good, full of blessings and surprises. He does nothing without purpose and nothing is ever random.  And this pain of waiting - I've bore it before.  It's still excruciating at times, but I am assured that joy will come and when it does come, nothing and NO ONE can ever steal it again.    And on that day, there will be joy unspeakable and we will rejoice and thank God for it for eternity.

I thank God every day that I was chosen to be Samuel's mother.  Mother's Day, for me, is a day of thanksgiving to the One who blessed me with four little ones of my own.
Happy Mother's Day!