More Than Cancer

To my horror, in the last couple of months, I have learned that two people I care about deeply have been either newly diagnosed with cancer, or relapsed.  One is a lady who was firmly rooted in Samuel's prayer tree; some of you might remember her as the "computer angel" as Kristina called her.  Well, she was much more than that; with us in spirit, in joy and in sorrow from beginning to end.  She now has a form of leukemia.  When I received the news, I was just devastated knowing that she has already had so much on her plate in her own personal life apart from loving Samuel.  The other is a little girl named Olivia who I "met" through an ALL listserv and felt a kinship to.  Her family, like ours, hated traditional cancer treatment and set out to use alternatives until such time as they felt they were faced with transplant or death.  They chose transplant and I was certain that because she was spared so much of the harsh chemo, that she would be one of the lucky ones whom transplant would "cure."   Her transplant was successful in 2005 and her remission lasted to 2009.  When I found that she had relapsed last month, I was shocked that her relapse had actually happened a year earlier than I found her.  I stopped checking on her because I assumed, I believed she got her miracle.   My heart sank reading all this family has endured over the last year and all the familiar feelings flooded my soul remembering our own last battle; the multitude of problems that built up until they were insurmountable and then reliving the devastation of that all too final knowledge -- still too much to bear.  Olivia has had another transplant and is currently showing all donor cells but is still transfusion dependent.  She also now has many physical consequences of treatment to endure as well.  As you know, chemo/radiation is cumulative; it doesn't matter how long a break you take from it, the damage it does just continues to accumulate when it is readministered even after a long interim.  It's a poison you never get rid of once you take the first dose.  My heart just breaks for these families and I pray for them daily.  Will you pray for Olivia and the "Computer Angel" aka Sara?

I found myself asking, "God, why?  Haven't they been through enough?"  Same question I am sure many asked when they found out Samuel relapsed just when we thought we saw light at the end of the tunnel.    "God, don't You know I love You?  Don't You know I have trusted You?  What are You doing?  Why are you letting all we have accomplished just fall apart?  Why are You letting him die?"   They were then, all rhetorical questions of which there was no answer given.  When I asked Him this time however, on behalf of these families, thinking back on our own journey through cancer, I realized that there is more going on in these lives than just cancer.  They just don't see it yet.    I know that because I know that there was more going on in our lives than just cancer. When I look back on the days when Samuel was here, I see days our home was bursting with love even in the midst of misery.  Days when every family member set everything they wanted in life aside to help Samuel.   Life was more than just cancer, it just took time and God's help to see it for what it truly was.

This blog has chronicled so much of what I have learned about our journey with Samuel both before and after he died.  I have blogged about the things God has taught me, about how divine Samuel's love was, how blessed we were to have known such love and the amazing things we were able to accomplish because of it.  But there's more to it than just that.   It's a knowledge that love like that was a gift from God and not a direct result of anything we, his parents did.  Love like that is not of this world but instead the evidence of the Holy Spirit living inside him.    Some babies are just born with it.  We see evidence of this in Matthew's Gospel which speaks of the Holy Spirit in John the Baptist while he was still in the womb.    I am pretty sure Samuel was one of the babies born with it.  We knew he was special from birth, very different from our other children.    If I put any of my other children in Samuel's position, I cannot say with much certainty that the outcome would be the same.  They have yet to possess the kind of Godly love that endures suffering without question that Samuel was just born with.  That "different" had a specific purpose.  I know in my heart that Samuel came to teach us about God's love; the love spoken of in 1 Corinthians 13.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.   Love never fails. 

Note that it doesn't say that love is lustful, wishy-washy, self-centered, contingent on ???(fill in the blank) and requires gifts to sustain or all bets are off.    This is how the world "loves" and I am so sick of it I could puke.  You see, I have experienced Godly love and there is just no comparison.  Read the scripture again from a different translation.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn’t jealous. It doesn’t sing its own praises. It isn’t arrogant. It isn’t rude. It doesn’t think about itself. It isn’t irritable. It doesn’t keep track of wrongs. It isn’t happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up.  Love never comes to an end.


The more I read this passage, the more I see Samuel's heart and more importantly, God's heart.  For all Samuel went through, for all that we were allowed to see and do, for all that we tried to save him, no matter how much physical pain it caused him, he loved us and he trusted us.  For all the horrible things that had to be done, that we chose to do knowing it would hurt his body and even his feelings, he loved us knowing we were always trying to help and he forgave us.  I cannot say that my other children would have been so forgiving, or would have kept fighting to stay on Earth for as long as Samuel did.  He knew how much we needed him and he stayed "for us" as long as he could.   Somehow Samuel understood what even many adults cannot seem to comprehend: unconditional love.  Even in his final moments here, he showed how selfless his love was.  That is something that can only be explained as a gift from God and just writing of it brings me to tears.  Samuel left us a model of what the love of God should look like--now if we'll just have the desire to follow it.

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When we learned Samuel had leukemia the first time, alongside the normal fears that grip you, I wondered how we would ever transition from one way of life to this new horrible way of life.  I thought of the 50 custom orders I had outstanding and the fact that I was no longer going to be able to work.  I thought that we were now roped into this lifestyle where my handicap would make Mark responsible for all transportation thus fully unable to work.  I thought of our other children, Anna right beside me hungrily crying, 7 weeks old, who might never know her brother.   We had this whole idea of how our lives were supposed to happen, our own happily ever after, and I knew that wasn't going to be at this point.  My precious baby was dying and with him, a part of me began dying as well.  I was worthless to do anything but be by his side, exactly where I belonged.  The biggest concern I had was how we could possibly afford both of us not working and there was never any question that there was no way around it. I do not recall asking anyone but my dad for money, but God provided countless people who selflessly gave so that we could care for Samuel and fully untangle ourselves from the "normal" world without losing our home, our car, or any other thing that kept us going, like food.. There is no way we could have given Samuel the total time and attention he needed without those people. Those were precious moments in time I'm glad I don't have to look back on and think "I should have been there for him more." Many of you still reading made me always being there for him possible and I owe you a debt I can never repay. 

Throughout Samuel's life, we learned the value of a life not normal, not worldly.  We learned to enjoy the often overlooked small things, such as a smile you have waited months to see or a spoken "I love you Mama" after months of silence.  You come to learn very quickly that there is no material thing in the world that takes the place of such gifts as these.  We took our time as much as possible, enjoyed the quiet days and the silly times.  We were in no rush to return to the normal way of life when Samuel was here, and still aren't.   We learned that people waste much of their lives pursuing worldly things that are meaningless in eternity often neglecting their own families to get them.  Life is short and you never get yesterday back to do over.   I wouldn't trade any worldly possession for the love that reigned in our home when Samuel was here.

The greatest gift God has given us is His love and the ability to love Him and others as He does.   It is that kind of love that draws His eye, moves His heart and brings about miracles.   It is that kind of love that allows Him to bring people to your aid in your most desperate moments so you can just focus on loving and nothing else.   Few, like Samuel, are born with this love but for the rest of us who call ourselves believers are called to pursue it, to perfect it.  This is what the indwelling of the Holy Spirit was made for, to help us love in a Godly manner, which is foreign to the worldly man.  That is what sets us apart from the world.  That kind of love is what set Samuel apart from this world, not cancer.  This is the kind of love I shall never tire of speaking of and longing to be near.

This love is what drew the disciples to Jesus when He walked the Earth.  It's a love worth travailing for, worth walking to the ends of their world for,  worth suffering endlessly for, worth being despised for and worth dying for.  Once you fully experience this kind of love, the "love" of the world will never suffice.  Our boy loved us like this and we, in turn, loved him all the more. We would have done anything for him including die if that would have spared him.  I have often wondered how so many Jews missed this love when they encountered Jesus but they certainly did just as people today miss it when it's right in front of their face.   The Lord has answered this question for me though.  They have hardened their hearts choosing worldly "love" over Godly love.  Matthew 24 speaks of the love of many growing cold due to wickedness in the last days.  We're there.   The many He was talking about was most definitely the "church."   Look at what many supposed Christian churches (those in the news especially)  are doing today and tell me if you see any Godly love there.   When Jesus was here, He loved the sinner, the ones who did not know Him.  He loved His disciples and His people, the believers.  He was most harsh to the make-believers, the Jews who were supposed to know Him, who didn't recognize Him because they were so full of wickedness hiding under a form of godliness.  Sounds really familliar doesn't it?

When Samuel left this world, I was left with a lot of questions.  I was left with the greatest test my faith in Jesus had ever been asked to go through.   While I thought cancer was useful in removing me from the normal world, I soon learned that Samuel's death would sever my ties with it completely.  I specifically mention Samuel's death as being the final straw knowing that I had previously experienced deaths of loved ones past, and while they each had their own effect on the direction of my life, neither severed me completely from pursuing a worldly lifestyle or worldly hopes.  I have come to understand that this severing has not been a bad thing.   The things that the Lord has taught me since Samuel's exodus are things I do not believe I could have or would have learned if he had lived.  These are things that have quite possibly changed my eternal destiny as well as that of my household.

The very first thing God showed me was His love.  I love how He loves me. When I felt I had nothing left to give to God, no reason to expect anything more from Him, He filled my heart with His love. A love I recognized as familiar because it reminded me of the love Samuel had. A love that endures ALL things, both good and bad trusting that what is done no matter how painful it is, is done to build up rather than tear down. A love that forgives and doesn't keep score of wrongs or use a bartering system to get what it wants. A love that always protects, always perseveres, always holds on to hope, is patient even through tears and sorrow, a love that is selfless. It's a love not of this world. It's the kind of love that once you experience it, you never want it to end. You wonder how you lived so long without it. A love that will force you to cheerfully untangle yourself from whatever worldly bonds are keeping you away from it. I often think back to all the long hospital days Samuel and I spent alone together and his company was all I needed. People, other than Mark who came in and out were simply intruders we couldn't wait to see leave. I am thankful for the times when God has allowed Samuel's love to trickle down from Heaven for me to feel again even if it is so overwhelming that I can hardly function for days thereafter. I miss that love daily. I miss him. And while I have known for some time that when Samuel lived on earth, it was to teach us about God's love, I now know that his departure to Heaven was to draw our hearts, minds and spirits to the REAL Jesus. Yes, I wrote and meant "real."


God lovingly led me through many difficult parts of laying down who I thought He was and what I thought He was supposed to do for me, to a place of pursuing a real two-sided relationship with Him; to a place of truly wanting to serve Him.  He has been pursuing my heart for my entire life, of that I am sure, but He never fully had my heart until after Samuel left and I learned what being a "true" convert to Jesus really entailed.  It's more than lip service, it is heart service.  It's more than reciting a few scriptures, it is living out what they say.  It's more than what He can do for me right this second, but instead embracing what He has already done.  He has known me my entire life, before even the foundations of the world.  I have only in the last couple years, begun to get to know Him for who He truly is. I literally cannot get enough of Him.  I am certain that my boy in Heaven has made sure that I would get to know Jesus on earth the way he knows Jesus in Heaven. 
We are living in the era of the apostate church and many of us don't even realize it.  There is little true discernment in many believers today.  There are people who genuinely want to love and serve God (as I did) who don't even comprehend that they are being fed "another gospel," another jesus.  It's startling and terrifying to realize this, moreover to realize that I had been swept up in it to some degree and didn't even know it.  It wasn't until Samuel died, the shaky foundation of my faith was shattered and I questioned the very existence of God that I realized I was following another jesus much of the time.  This is not to say that God wasn't with me, guiding my steps for all my life and most especially during Samuel's life.  He most certainly was.  I most certainly heard His voice and used His strength to endure.  What I am telling you is that there were aspects of my faith that were wrong, not based on the Jesus of the Bible at all.  Parts that needed to die so that the Jesus of the Bible and His love could fully live in me.  You cannot know the Jesus of the Bible, or even be certain that you are following the Jesus of the Bible if you don't study the Bible truly seeking Him for who He truly is.  It's foundational and the standard for which all church leaders must be judged.  As I read through with the help of the Holy Spirit, I realized that many of the teachings I followed were twisted humanistic interpretations of scripture leading to idolatry and pride.  All things God hates.    If the church doesn't "look right" to you, it's probably because it isn't.    By blindly following church leaders without doing our own scripture study comparing the jesus they preach to the Jesus of the Bible, we are gambling with our very eternal life.   That is a terrifying thought.  In Philippians 2:12, Paul instructs us to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, not pride and arrogance bleating "I'm forgiven" while running straight into evil.  God's forgiveness and salvation comes with confession of sin which requires humility and repentance which requires that you STOP sinning.   Doesn't mean you are suddenly perfect, but that becomes your goal and you work toward it daily.  This is a message sorely lacking in Christianity today.   I know what Jesus meant when He asked if He would find faith on Earth when He returned.  Being a follower of Christ is not all about wealth, health and a Heavenly life on Earth with Jesus as our slave.   Being a follower of Jesus COSTS you something whether that be friends, family, a job, fame, or the American dream.  Every disciple, prophet and forefather of the faith in the Bible was tried, tested, and purified through some kind of tribulation often losing more than they gained while living on Earth.  We don't just serve the Lord for what we'll get in this life; our hope is in eternal life with Him that will be filled with His love as well as the love of fellow true believers.  I long for that daily.  It's worth laying every worldly lust aside for no matter the earthly cost.

If Samuel had been healed on Earth, I know my heart would still be deceived into following a jesus who looked spiritual and had a form of godliness, but was nothing but an idol that exploded the day Samuel died.  For as much as I love Samuel, as much as I miss him, as much as I have deeply hurt as I allowed God to circumcise my heart with this lesson, as much as I wish my heart could have come to know God as He truly is in some other way, I am glad that Jesus loved me enough to break my heart using Samuel so that He could truly live in it and I could spend eternity with Him and Samuel. I have so much to thank God for and so much to thank Samuel for as well.  The list piles up daily.

Everything God allows to happen to His people has a purpose.  Nothing is random or accidental.  God's purpose always has eternity in view.  It's hard to remember that when life hurts to live right now but this I know; God is good and He loves you.  He wants all to be saved and come to righteousness.  Unfortunately, it seems to take tragedy and tears to soften our hearts enough to find Him.   Why do we humans have to learn everything the hard way?  Soften your hearts to Him today, I beg you.

Samuel's life on earth was more than a cancer tragedy.   To not recognize and share this with you would be a dishonor to all he suffered to teach.  If I had been embittered by God so much so that I walked away from Him after Samuel died, that would have meant Samuel's life on Earth was in vain.  I love my boy far too much to ever let that happen.  I am just glad Jesus never gave up on pursuing my heart.

Thank you, Lord!