Conversations in the Heart

Over the last couple weeks, I have been editing video in an effort to preserve every last Samuel gem I can find. Video was never my favorite mode of saving memories so there are only a few hours of Samuel's lifetime captured. Of course now, I am kicking myself in the butt because there isn't more video and at the same time I am so thankful we have what we have. I have been telling Mark, "We are so lucky to have this." Some of the stills I have taken from video take my breath away because he is so beautiful. Taking the photos apart from the video, you would never believe his body was destroying itself.


I have also edited out many sound bytes which I added to Samuel's Site as well as to my computer. Every computer sound is now Samuel's voice. When I told Mark I was planning to put Samuel's voice on the computer, he told me if I did, it would break his heart. Thankfully as he watched me find and edit out Samuel's words, his heart was fine. When my e-mail arrives, instead of "You've got mail," Samuel says, "Look Mom!" It's so cool. It also freaked out the neighbors when they first heard it because they thought someone was standing behind them, which was pretty funny. His voice sounds incredibly real when it bursts out of the speakers. I realized how much we have missed his voice around here and most especially the way he articulated things.


I tend to favor the still pictures from his life because they show his spirit true. When you add sound, context and movement back, it takes away from his spirit. For example, I watch the video and see my beautiful boy so burdened by his physical body. I see the way he walked so frail like an old man at times. I see him trying so hard not to let it get him down. I see and hear the heartbreak Mark and I shared the entire time. Samuel was better at hiding reality than we were. In the earlier video, say from 2004-2006, it is not as obvious if you didn't live it. But in the 2007 video, the sorrow is all over us. We tried to carry the sorrow for Samuel but it is apparent by 2007 that he was not only burdened by his body but also burdened by what his body was doing to us. He was still trying so hard to be happy, to make the best of things, but I can tell you very plainly that it was an effort on his part by that time.


Mark and I watched these videos back in January and I didn't even make it a minute before I was sobbing as I watched him smile. I viewed it with much sadness because that life was the best he got here and it stung deeply. Those recorded memories and many more unrecorded ones were all we had to cling to. The stab of physical death only served to put the final unnecessary blow on the videos. At that time, I didn't have a revelation of what Samuel was like in Heaven and even though I was aware that his body and spirit were two separate entities, and that he was forever healed and free, I had no concept of what that really meant, looked like or felt like. Everyone writes that their child is forever healed and free when they die from some horrible disease but it's only head knowledge. For many, it remains head knowledge and their heart never seems to move beyond that first week after physical death even many years later. Watching your child die is certainly something you don't easily recover from to be certain. It changes you in ways that can never be articulated in words. Just as when you feel them come alive inside your body when you are pregnant cannot be accurately explained unless you have experienced it, neither can feeling them take their last breath or feeling their heart stop. As beautiful as feeling the unborn move inside you is, the opposite ugliness is feeling your living child's body die in your arms. It's beyond hideous -- because we only see one side of it. I asked the Lord for over a year to show me the other side; the side Samuel lived on. He didn't show me but instead, allowed me to feel what it felt like which made a bigger impression than anything I might see since I don't trust my eyes all that much.



When I started previewing the video looking for Samuel's one-liners, I started from 2007 and worked my way back knowing that by the time I reached the video of him before the age of two, he says very little. Well, unless you count, quacks, barks, purrs, snorts and laughing. He had his own language and it wasn't English. He seemed to just know he was the entertainment so he always hammed it up for the camera. The funny thing is that it always seemed like he and I had all these conversations even back then. Yet, he never really talked until after he was diagnosed. I remember Mark commenting when we were in the hospital in that first week that Samuel was finally starting to talk and the words he said were perfect English, as if he had been talking for years. We were like, "Wow!"



Samuel and I always understood each other without spoken words. We had conversations between our hearts without the head knowledge to recognize it at the time. Mark and I do this often as well. Things between Samuel and I now are a lot like they were when he was a baby; we don't need words, only the Holy Spirit as interpreter and teacher. Occasionally, Samuel is even allowed to visit which only serves to impress upon my heart whatever the message was in a most undeniable way. In the months between the January viewing of the video and these last couple weeks, I realize that my head knowledge about Samuel being healed and free is now heart knowledge that has taken root very deeply. I can easily identify and separate the physical limitations his body put on him; the parts of his life that are from the curse that is on the earth from his beautiful perfect spirit. I am very much aware of the freedom he now enjoys because he shed that body and I am happy that he no longer has to live like he did here. I asked Mark the other day if he can even imagine what it will be like to live carefree with Samuel. He cannot because we never did here. But, when Samuel is allowed to share something with me for even a brief second, the joy is more than overwhelming. I get a small taste of what it will be like and I cannot wait. Because of this, it was easy to grab his pictures and happy words from the video without tears because I know which parts of his life on earth were left here and which parts he took. Somehow, this heart knowledge is something he knew and shared before he left. One day when he saw that I was quietly crying as I helped him limp to the bathroom while carrying his IV pack he told me that he was sorry and then changed his sentence to "My body is sorry, Mama." I knew then that he had learned something we hadn't yet fully understood. Something it has taken me this last full year to really comprehend.


Samuel never cried as we did when we all knew he was living out his last days here. I always wondered about that. I was glad at the time that I did not have to wipe his tears as well as my own but it was a curious thing nonetheless. I have learned something about that this past year too. In the few instances I have been physically ill over the last year, unlike in years when Samuel was here, I was able to rest and focus on myself vs. run myself ragged taking care of others. It felt so foreign and was a nice change. In those times when my focus was on myself because I didn't have anything pressing to take care of, or just could not get out of bed, it was then that I heard God most clearly. It was then that He taught me so much about life here and life in Heaven too. But back in November when we were all sick with the flu (probably Swine Flu but no one was oinking), I had an entirely different experience. One I think Samuel must have had in those last days. I felt love and peace and some very amazing presences around me. Like they were right beside me. The cares I had for this world and even my own sick body were minimal. Not only was Samuel near me, but so were Delma and Mac. I felt like they were going to walk through the door any minute. Since Delma and Mac went to Heaven, I have never ever felt them near me like that. Little Delma things here and there but never like she was right around the corner, or within my grasp. I was afraid to speak of the feeling because it might go away. It did go away after I got better. There was a place in the middle of it though were I almost did not want to get better because I wanted them to stay. It was absolutely amazing to feel them near. I asked myself at some point in the midst of it, "Is this what Samuel felt when he was dying?" If so, I know why he never cried. I know why he understood so fully that his body was not his true identity in Christ. I know why he knew that he had nothing to be sorry for and nothing to worry about in leaving this earth. I also know why he was excited to go to Heaven yet clinging to us. He was thinking about us being left behind. When I felt Delma, Mac and Samuel's presence, I so wanted to be with them for eternity and yet I knew I could not leave my family here without me. I believe that part of what took Samuel so long to agree to leave his body here for good was a conversation between him and God about what would happen to his family here.



I believe that God allowed me to experience this back in November to answer many of my questions concerning Samuel's last days here. Ones I hadn't actually asked in many many months. Because of it, I know that if I or any of my loved ones who belong to God are ever in a bad physical state, or near death, that we will be surrounded by many loved ones and we will feel them intimately. I know that when we leave this earth, we will be most happy to do so knowing that our loved ones left behind are not all that far away after all. While death here is a tragedy, for those who go to Heaven, it is a triumph and a great victory. I think Samuel was allowed to see or feel the "other side" before he ever left his body here. I am pretty certain he was dreaming of being in Heaven on those last days here and the peace that I have found through this experience is beyond measure and words.



After Samuel went to Heaven, someone sent me a note that "God had a plan for Samuel in Heaven now." I remember thinking that God's plans for us are on earth. When we get to Heaven, God rewards us. We don't "work." We just enjoy. I figured Samuel was up there playing and would never look back. His job was done here. We were left to pick up the pieces and try to go on after that misery while life was a party for him. Our two worlds were now separate. Well, I was wrong and the person who sent me this note probably didn't realize how right they were. Being Samuel's mother and watching the way he lived his life on earth taught me a lot about what God can do if you allow Him to. Having tragedy after tragedy finally steal him from my arms was the ultimate insult that has forever cut loose any desires I might have had for this or in this world. Before this year, I had head knowledge about this scripture passage which speaks to how we should live on earth. (Colossians 3:1-4) Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all His glory. Today this scripture is how I live my life. It is deeply rooted into my heart. I live life here and try to filter it with an eternal perspective. Will such and such really matter in eternity? That question really changes the way you choose to live day to day. Last year ended with the Lord giving me new perspectives on Samuel's lifetime here and simply getting those revelations changed a lot of my perceptions about what we are allowed to know about Heaven. The Lord and I literally had conversations during that time where I asked and He answered and not an audible word was spoken. We conversed at the speed of thought and those conversations took root deeply into my heart. That was a first for me. A first of many. Our day to day conversations do not always revolve around Samuel however. The revelations about Samuel or from him have only come at certain times usually when I am not expecting them at all. But every day I hear the Lord answer me; I will ask a question in my mind that somehow pertains to Him and He will answer. Those little conversations keep my life on earth in check with Him because I know that if I ask something and don't hear the answer, I have gotten too far away from Him and need to back up. I don't ever ever want to be in a place where I don't hear Him everyday again. That is frightening.



I realized from the day Samuel left us til now that a lot of what we think about God is wrong. We have been educated with Earth logic which is foolishness to God. Let God be true and every man a liar (Romans 3:4). That scripture will get you a long way in learning to be taught by Him vs. the world. When I really took hold of Ephesians 2 which teaches that when we become part of God's family, we are seated with Christ in Heaven, that is when my head knowledge of what I thought was true stepped aside and allowed God to teach me all the things that are true from His perspective over the past year. We limit ourselves so much with the junk of the earth. The more I have realized this, the harder I have tried to break free of those bonds to live closer to the joy I have only experienced from God. Samuel is part of this. The things I have learned are things I would have never learned if not for Samuel's life and love on earth Things I could not share with you if not for Samuel's life here. Samuel has drawn me closer to God than any other single human being I have ever known. What does that say about God's plan for his life? What an amazing child of God he is! I count myself the luckiest mom on earth every day because of Samuel. I am a better mom every day to my children on earth because of Samuel. And a better wife. I am blessed coming in and will be blessed when I leave here. Amazing, amazing, amazing!


My eyes are drawn to Samuel's eyes as I watch the videos. The picture that is now the header for the blog just takes my breath away. On video, this picture is him looking at me while we are having a little conversation. You would never know by looking at his face that the leukemia is back. You would never know that his butt was hurting and he was limping. You would never know that he was trying so hard to not be grumpy...for me. When I see his shining face in this picture,, I don't see any of those things. I see his eyes looking at me. I see his spirit shining through in spite of it all. I feel his love. I am thankful beyond measure to God for allowing all these little conversations between all of our hearts to get me to the point I am at today. I look forward to many many more of them in this new year.

May you be blessed this year and give God the glory for it! Happy New Year!

Never Say Never

Never say never....

These are stills captured from DVD videos.

A Precious Time

You might be wondering where Mark was in these pictures. He was at work. We have been taking a small school break to just play all day, or it would seem that way anyway. The kids are very excited for Christmas as they always are and as far as being ready goes, we have everything done. All we have left to do is enjoy the season.

Mark and I enjoyed choosing gifts for each child this season. We spent quite a few hours looking through stores to find just the right thing. We stopped often to look at dinosaurs. There are so many cool ones out these days. They make us smile as we chase each other around with one that growls, snarls and tries to bite you. We were goofing around in one store which is pretty much our normal anyway but an employee told us she was sorry she didn't have a web cam to put us on YouTube. Ha. We talk about what Samuel would think of each toy we see with his name all over it. Yet, my heart is happy knowing that it's Christmas everyday where he lives. I don't have to buy him things with the hope that he will be entertained enough by the toy that he forgets his troubles for awhile. I am fully aware that he is fantastic and doing amazing things I can only dream of for now. It's Samuel, I know whatever he is doing will be fun. I also know he cannot wait to show me. Still,it is the greatest exercise in patience I have ever experienced just to wait to be with him again. Things are today, as I said they would be many years ago; I know where he is and he knows where I am. I know he is well taken care of and I don't have to worry about him. Doesn't mean I don't miss him obviously but even that has dramatically changed.

Last year, things were much different here. My heart was heavy. All of our hearts were heavy without our precious boy here with us. It has taken so long to get used to him not being here day in day out and yet it seems we have done just that. But I know it is much more than simply getting used to things. Last year at this time, I had yet to experience Samuel's tangible presence. The Lord was only just beginning to reveal so many truths about Samuel's life to me at this time. There was a lot to take in and it took literally months to process and lay down. No more what ifs or I wishes. Making peace with the past was the first step. But even that wasn't enough to lift the burdens I was carrying. In February, God allowed Samuel to visit his Dad long enough to tell him "it's okay" and let him see that Samuel is now a big strong radiant boy. And that gave me some more peace but quite frankly, it wasn't my experience so the peace didn't last long. In April, I really hit bottom. I had made peace with the past but that still did not ease the loneliness I lived with. Samuel was one of my best friend's ever. I was truly spoiled to have both him and his dad as best friends at the same time. When he was suddenly gone and Mark went back to work, the days were as blank as ever right up until Mark came home. That was when the day seemed to start for me. I felt terrible for my other kids because that feeling really spoke of my lesser relationships with them. It has taken me some time to understand the kind of bond I had with Samuel vs. the other kids. Samuel wasn't going to be with us for very long. God obviously knew that. I didn't. All I did know was the intimacy we had immediately after he was born that seemed to grow exponentially each day. I wasn't going to get a "lifetime" with Samuel as perhaps I will have with the other kids. We incorporated a lifetime of love into his short life here. It was so anti climatic to live without it. Awful. On that day in April, the sorrow of knowing that I would never experience Samuel's love on earth again sunk so deeply into me that I wasn't sure I would ever be happy again. It was then that God allowed Samuel to be with me in a very tangible way and it was that experience that lifted the burden of loneliness nearly completely. That experience helped me realize that nothing has changed. Those few moments I was with him were some of the most incredible moments I have ever experienced on earth. His spirit and love blanketed mine for weeks if not months after that. That was certainly a turning point. When the anniversary of his physical death came and went, my spirit rose above it because my last experience with him then was just weeks before when he was very very much alive. More alive then than ever on this earth.

The summer came and went and our family had many happy times. Over the last year, my relationship with each child has begun to blossom in ways I thought impossible because of my loneliness for Samuel. I am starting to see little qualities of Samuel that I loved in each child come out and I feel like I am finally getting to know each child a lot more intimately. Mark and I both realize that Samuel was such an awesome child because of all the one on one time we spent with him. Doing the same with each of my other children is having the same effect. Time well spent! My days are filled with joy and laughter again. Especially with Daniel who is starting to pick up and carry on some of Samuel's humor.

September arrived and Samuel was allowed to visit me again, only this time I didn't see him, just felt him. But he was here nonetheless. He cannot hide the glorious joy he implants into my spirit. And then again in November, I felt him again only this time it was when I was up and fully awake vs. barely awake. How could this be? I really wondered how on earth I could be so blessed to have felt him here so very much over this past year.

Interestingly enough, the healing in my heart that has taken place because of this defies any earthly logic. I feel as if Samuel never died. He just left and couldn't take his body because he got a new one. A body worthy of his glorious spirit. The body he had certainly was not worthy of it. Because I have experienced his presence so much this past year, I know that God has more than made up for everything that happened to him on earth. God allowing me to feel Samuel has also bridged the gap of loneliness I feel for him. God knows he was one of my best friends. Today, I do not dwell on the tragedies and think "poor Samuel" because I know he is anything BUT poor now. And Samuel being Samuel, he has made certain that I am certain of all these things and know he is happy. Even more than that; he made sure I know that he is still Samuel. The Samuel we knew when he was free of pain and suffering. Last year all I could think about was how when I saw him again, I was going to apologize for ever allowing that chemo in that first month. I don't know what I would have done in it's place but I certainly feel ill when I think about the poison ruining his body. Today, I know I don't have to apologize. All of that is not relevant anymore because he thanked me for helping him no matter what the outcome. He knows we always did what we thought was best. Last year I wasn't certain of this. This year I am. On the glorious day I see him again for eternity, I can guarantee you we won't be talking about the past......period. I will be waiting for him to escort me all around the land and I think we will probably be running, singing and laughing.

When I look back on his life here, I do so with a sense of accomplishment knowing we did everything we could do to give him some quality of life here. When it became obvious that his body wasn't going to sustain him, we helped him to embrace going to Heaven. It wasn't easy as you well know but there comes a point when you have to ask yourself what you are trying to save your child from. I knew I wanted to save Samuel from suffering and if that meant he had to move to Heaven, we would accept that. Putting that down on paper and living it out are two different things and it has taken me about 18 months to work what I knew in my heart all out into real life. He is in good hands there.

I am also well aware of how sensitive Samuel is to my spirit. I was aware of this last year but it is so much more clear to me now. That continues to amaze me because when his body died, the bond we shared felt broken. I realize now that it was my own sorrow that suffocated any attempt he might have made to show me it wasn't. Last year at this time, God helped me get into a place spiritually where I could feel that our bond is still as strong as ever - just different. As I have learned to be more sensitive to God's voice, apparently, I have also become more sensitive to Samuel's spirit.

Samuel's Video is one of my favorite shows currently. Funny, after it was mostly done, I found myself wondering when he ever found time to be sick. That was amazing in itself because I fully remember him being sick and yet the Lord has gently softened those memories and allowed the good times to rise above the bad. God also lets me experience the future by allowing Samuel to be near occasionally. I remember being so afraid that the awful memories would haunt me for the rest of my life, but they don't. I remember writing sometime last year Psalm 37:4 which says Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

I didn't know what my heart could desire that was on this earth so I wasn't sure how He would deliver his promise here. Thankfully, the desire of my heart wasn't limited to earth. He knew I desired to somehow feel Samuel, talk to Samuel, be with Samuel, something. He delivered easily a hundredfold over anything I ever thought possible here. Another thing I am especially aware of is that when I am physically ill, Samuel is very very near. That is very comforting.

I have found that doing little Samuel projects like the video is very fulfilling to my spirit as well. I asked God what Samuel thought of his video shortly after I posted it on the Mom and Me site. It took me awhile to get the answer but only because it came in a way I wasn't expecting. I separated Samuel's Site from the Mom and Me site back in 2006 for a variety of reasons but mainly because it was too hard to update with so many pages. When I changed hosting last May, that left Samuel's Site in limbo and I haven't been able to do any editing ever since which is why I placed the video on the Mom and Me site. After Samuel went to Heaven, the business slowed down extremely noticeably. That was fine because I didn't want to work it anyway. It has really never picked up since. I am certain because of the economy however after I asked God what Samuel thought of his video suddenly business has picked up considerably. So much so that I have been quite busy since I put up the video. The customers aren't even watching the video so I know the two things are not correlated because of that. It's just that I put "Samuel" back on the Mom and Me site and whatever life he brought to it in the past has been revived again. Either that or he just really liked his video. I know he liked how it ends. Pretty interesting! One day we will laugh about all these little things and I can just hear him saying, "Boy it took you so long to figure that out."

Since making the video, I realized that I can do something for Samuel "for Christmas." I just have to be a little more creative than going to a store and buying something. As it just so happens, I received some amazing software for Christmas and in playing around with it, I got motivated to get Samuel's Site out of limbo. It is a work in progress to get everything moved over and re-organized but I am enjoying it.

As the year winds down, I realize and appreciate that I am living in a precious time right now. Over the past year, God has been piecing my life back together in amazing and unmistakable ways. He has been knitting my family together in a beautiful fashion that has yet to be completed. We are in a good place. We have a lot of peace and quiet and for that I am thankful. I have learned not to take these kinds of days for granted.

Merry Christmas all! May the love and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ find you and fill you.

Samuel's Video Memorial

Remember back in the spring when I mentioned that before Samuel relapsed, I was in the process of making a slide show of all his pictures.  It was a huge project I was slowly piecing together and after he relapsed, the project died.  Then my computer crashed and everything was wiped.   At that point, he had already went to Heaven so I didn't even care all that much.  It would have been too heartbreaking to look at given the direction I was going with it.

Well, I decided to go ahead and redo the project.  It doesn't end the way I had originally intended in 2007 but I am very happy with it.   It's Samuel!  He is my baby, even Heaven cannot contain his love.   You all know how I love to share Samuel's pictures.  I am also happy to say I now have site hosting with unlimited disk storage and bandwidth so I can actually post this huge file in it's entierty for you to see.  By the way, don't bother if you don't have high speed.

Samuel's Video Memorial

Faithfulness

Sometime within the first month after meeting Mark, we had a very pivotal conversation that became the foundation of our relationship. I told him that I wasn't just looking for a good time but that I truly wanted to get to know him. I wanted a real relationship and if he wasn't into that, I was just wasting my time. I have a real problem with wasting my time on people who don't take life seriously; I always have. I remember this conversation was almost shocking to Mark in that apparently no one had spoken to him as boldly, or no one had expressed a desire to truly pursue a relationship. He told me that he was interested in a relationship too but took things a step further by saying that he was looking for someone who would always be on his side, someone who would support him no matter what, someone who knew what it meant to be faithful. To this day, I have never forgotten his words or his wishes and every day from that first month on, I have been faithful. Our relationship has been built by laying pieces of our heart on the line trusting that the other person will always always respond in kind. I have never been disappointed.

After Samuel went to Heaven, Mark and I made a vow to shower our remaining children with the love, time and attention they sacrificed during the years he was sick. What the Lord has impressed on me most however, is that they need our faithfulness. Faithfulness to each other first, and then to them. True faithfulness is the result of a reciprocal love, allegiance, intimacy, truth and trust. Faithfulness begins as a choice to honor another person unconditionally. Over time, if faithfulness is returned in like kind, the choice just becomes second nature and the bond that forms because of it can become unbreakable.

God wants us to be faithful to Him and to those He puts into our lives whether that be friends or family, husbands or wives. Faithful relationships are our safety nets when everything around us is going wrong. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Faithfulness is something we all desire yet it is so lacking in society today that I just wonder if people even know what it is. Faithfulness is first learned by seeing it in action. Isaiah 25:1 says O LORD, You are my God .I will exalt You, I will praise Your name, For You have done wonderful things; Your counsels of old are faithfulness and truth. God revealed himself to His people by giving them a promise and then following through. Numbers 23:19 says “God is not a man, that He should lie." He is faithful to His promises whether we believe they will come to pass or not. 2 Timothy 2:13 says If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself. If God says He will do something, He will do it. God puts more importance on His own words than He does on His own name? Psalm 138:2 says I will worship toward Your holy temple, And praise Your name For Your loving kindness and Your truth; For You have magnified Your word above all Your name. Psalm 12:6 says The words of the LORD are pure words, Like silver tried in a furnace of earth, Purified seven times. The first part of identifying a faithful person is to see if they honor their own words because that is foundational. Do they follow them up with deeds everytime, or only when convenient for their own personal gain. Do you know why God purifies His words seven times? Because He knows that He has to back them up every single time, every single word. What would this world be like if everyone did this? In the past five years of writing for the entire world to read, I have tried to be ever so careful with my words because I have always known I would need to back them up or be a liar. I am like this IRL too. I expect the same of others. I have also seen the power of my own words as they came to life even a day after writing. In these days that have followed Samuel's relocation to Heaven, I have become even more meticulous with my words here. I don't want to put frivolous words out into the world. It is a waste of my time and to those who still faithfully read here, I don't want to waste your time. My prayer is Psalm 19:14; May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. I want to be true to Him first.

Identifying faithfulness is also knowing what it is not. The opposite of faithfulness is selfishness. Everyone has some degree of selfishness to be certain, but many allow selfishness to rule their lives. It is difficult to be faithful to someone who isn't faithful to you but instead faithful only to themselves. These kinds of relationships have no solid foundation and fall apart quickly. Proverbs 20:6 says Most people will proclaim each his own goodness, But who can find a faithful person? True faithfulness is selflessness. It is a rare treasure to be certain. It is a gift each of us need to learn to give to each other, a gift God wants us to give, but you can't give it if you are motivated by our own ego. What is fascinating about God is that He is most often content to be in the background; the wind beneath our wings.

Seeing a real life example of faithfulness is the best way to learn how to identify it and mimic it. I learned what faithfulness looks like from Delma. Growing up, I had several friends who stand out as being truly faithful and I recognized their faithfulness because of Delma's. I have been pondering faithfulness a lot as I observe many of the neighborhood kids with broken families, or worse; parents who are together but are completely unfaithful to each other and their kids. Couples can be married all their lives and never be truly faithful to each other and by that I don't mean just sexually. I mean in word and in deed; Godly faithfulness. Then they wonder why their kids have unsuccessful relationships or are just clueless as to what a real relationship is. It grieves me and I pray about it a lot. What can "I" do, Lord? Show me where the opportunities are and don't let me miss them.

One of the hearts innermost desires is for faithfulness. Mark didn't need to have any Bible teaching to tell him he should be looking for a faithful mate. He just knew it innately. Children are no different. They may not be able to express it in words, but they desperately need faithfulness in their lives in order to grow up into stable adults. If their parents are not faithful to them, who will be? If their parents don't teach them faithfulness by example, who will? If parents are not faithful to children, the child will inevitably stop trusting them. They will look for faithfulness elsewhere. They need someone with whom they can share their most intimate thoughts, hopes, dreams and wishes with trusting their hearts won't be crushed. The need someone they know will be there no matter what whom they can run to when they get into trouble. They don't need someone who says "Keep to yourself, Do not come near me, For I am holier than you!" (Isaiah 65:3) They need to know their parents have made mistakes too and are willing to share them openly. They don't need someone whose" faithfulness is like a morning cloud, and like the early dew it goes away." (Hosea 6:4b) A parents faithfulness needs to be unconditional. If not, children will eventually end up seeking it in someone else and whether that is a good or bad person is going to be based on who is accessible. Hence, why we find so many kids in gangs.

God has left us examples of faithfulness in The Bible so we could refresh or re-educate ourselves accordingly and often. The Book of Ruth is just incredible. Have you read it lately? I have been working on this post for several days now and asking the Lord for answers about different things in my own life and as a result, I have read this book many times this week. Each time, I see something new and the more I ponder it, the more God shows me about true faithfulness and it's rewards in our lives.

The Book opens with Naomi and her husband leaving Israel for Moab because of a famine. Naomi has two sons at the time. The sons end up marrying Moabite women. There are several problems here. First, Naomi's family walked away from God's protection of Israel to a foreign land and foreign gods. Second, her sons marry the women in this foreign land Co-mingling then is unequally yoked today. Ruth, a Moabite princess, is one of those wives. The other wife's name is Orpah. The families live together in Moab about ten years. Custom at that time was that when a son married, the new wife came to live with him at his parents' home so Ruth and Orpah would have lived in Naomi's home for the better part of ten years. Unfortunately, all their husbands die and the three women are suddenly widows. Naomi's loss is three fold because not only does she lose her husband, but also her two sons. Neither of Naomi's sons had their own children so there were no heirs. You might imagine Naomi is crushed. Suddenly, she is alone and widowed in a foreign land. She is not even supposed to be there. She decides to return to Israel where the famine has lifted and she still has blood relatives who can help her out. She tells Ruth and Orpah that she is going back to Israel and that they should return to their parents' homes. Both girls are heartbroken and weep that Naomi is leaving. They don't want her to go. Naomi reminds them that she has no more sons for them to marry and that they still have their whole lives ahead of them while she is now old with little hope. She feels that God has judged her decisions in life and as a result, judgement also has come to the girls. In short, Naomi feels that the deaths are all her fault and so as not to cause the girls any more suffering, she tells them to go away from her.

I just have to stop here for a second because God stopped me here last night. How often do we do what Naomi did? We look at our sad situation, rationalize it, and give people advice to keep them from going through our suffering. We do it for their benefit because we want to spare them our misery. I do this. I have done this, a lot. When Samuel was in the hospital in 2004 and my dad lived in CA, he asked me on several occasions when Samuel took turns for the worse if I wanted him to come to WA. Every time I told him no. There wasn't anything he could do but sit around, wait and be miserable just as we all were doing. He may as well stay where he was and try to enjoy his life because I sure wasn't enjoying mine. I don't think this was a "bad" thing to do. Why bring him into that misery? However another factor here in my experience, is that if someone asks you what you want them to do, they are looking for an opt out. They know what the right thing to do is, but they don't want to do it so they ask you hoping you will absolve them. I would rather that people did things for me because they wanted to, not because they felt it was just their duty. Maybe it is a personality flaw. The day Samuel went to Heaven, my mom asked me if I wanted her to come over. I told her that she didn't have to come over unless she just wanted to, the worst part was over with. She didn't come over. Funny thing is, I remember being shocked when I called the Hospice RN to tell her Samuel was in Heaven and just as I started to tell her not to rush because the worst part was over, we had already made arrangements for his body, and she probably didn't even need to come, she interrupted me to say she was on her way and then hung up. And you know what? I was so glad she came. That lady was an angel on earth and I wish there were more like her. I wish I had one real life lady friend like this.

Anyway, I don't hold anything against my parents for staying put. But, what if they had come anyway? What if they had come to help carry our misery? Was I really thinking rationally when I told them they didn't have to come? And again, why did they even ask what they should do? Shouldn't they have known? Wasn't Samuel their flesh and blood too? Galations 6:2 instructs us to bear each others burdens and we read that, it's quoted so often, do we really know what it means? It means we willingly willingly put ourselves hip deep in our loved ones sorrows because two are better than one and four are better than two. That is just what Ruth did. Orpah chose to go back to her parents home and because the Bible recorded her name, I am going to assume that God did not hold this decision against her. Usually, if someone totally goes against God in scripture, you will find they remain nameless. Another note, neither girl asked Naomi what she wanted them to do, it was Naomi who told them what to do. Orpah gets an honorable mention as she did do what she was told to do. But Ruth is quoted and has a whole book devoted and named after her so that we will know what true faithfulness looks like. It's pretty obvious which decision God liked better.

After Orpah left, Naomi again told Ruth to go too but Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." (Ruth 1:16-18 )

Ruth is determined to stay with Naomi no matter what, even if that meant she would continue to be judged by God on account of Naomi as Naomi fears. She didn't blame Naomi for the tragedies nor did she hate her. She didn't turn her back on a ten year relationship when the worst happened. People splitting up over tragedy is so par for the course today that it is just expected. So many have asked Mark "how we are doing" and it's no secret what they are really wanting to know. People expect hate, blame and the trashing of the relationship and it is odd to them when that doesn't happen. Going through tribulation is supposed to grow us spiritually. Romans 5:3-4 says tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Hope does not disappoint because we hope in God. I want you to know that when you endure tribulation with someone, and your faithfulness to that person has already been established years before the tribulation occurs, all that tribulation will serve to do make you stronger together. When Mark said very early in 2004, "If we can get through this, we can get through anything," he was not mistaken or throwing out idle words. Our relationship had a firm foundation in faithfulness, truth and love so that in all things, we did not have to question if our relationship was okay. We didn't have to ask what we wanted each other to do looking for an opt out. We put our full attention on Samuel, took on his sufferings as our own and did not find rest until he did. Our relationship hasn't suffered for it, but become stronger. If I am going to find joy, I want to find it with Mark. If I am going to suffer, I want him by my side. I would prefer he didn't suffer but I know he will in order to be with me. I feel the same way about him. We married for better or for worse and when I said "I do," I took that very seriously. We're in this life together until death or Jesus comes to get us. Hopefully the latter comes first. I cannot help but wonder if Ruth felt this way about Naomi. The vow she made to Naomi is very similar to a marriage vow.

Jewish history says Ruth was a Moabite princess and she gave up her inheritance to become a destitute widow in a foreign land by going with Naomi. Ruth left her homeland, her family, everything that was familiar to her to fulfill this vow. She made the choice to be inconvenienced. Her faithfulness to Naomi did not go unnoticed in Israel. Apparently everyone came to know Ruth because of her faithfulness to Naomi. On a day she just so happened to be gathering barley with all the other poor and destitute in Israel, the Judge of Israel, Boaz noticed her and asked his servants who she was. After learning about her, he showed her great favor. When she questioned him about the grace he was showing her he said this. “It has been fully reported to me, all that you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband, and how you have left your father and your mother and the land of your birth, and have come to a people whom you did not know before. The LORD repay your work, and a full reward be given you by the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings you have come for refuge.” (Ruth 2:11-12)

Ruth was fully rewarded by God for her faithfulness to Naomi and it was Naomi who got the ball rolling for her. Naomi instructed Ruth on how to behave, where to go, and what to do in all her interactions in Israel. Ruth trusted Naomi's judgement implicitly and did everything she said without question. Boaz was a relative of Naomi and ended up being the one who bought Naomi's land back for her so she had a place to live and then married Ruth so that an heir for Naomi could be established. Ruth and Naomi were no longer poor and destitute. Ruth was now the wife of a very respected Judge and was fully accepted into the Jewish community no longer as a foreigner but as kin. Ruth had a son who became a son to Naomi restoring her joy and honor and most importantly, the family line. Ruth was the great-grandmother of King David, and in the line of Jesus. Her faithfulness to Naomi was repaid many times over by God.

Ruth's faithfulness might seem extreme to us today. All the truths in the Bible have been corrupted and turned upside down in society so much so, that people are under the impression they don't need anyone, nor do they need God. Hence, why we see so little faithfulness. My poor vision has put me in the precarious position of having to be dependent on someone. It's a real pain in the butt. It's a barrier I have had to deal with my whole life. I say barrier because it has limited my circle of friends, the places I can go and the things I can do. I work around it well so as not to inconvenience others and most people who meet me IRL don't have a clue and I like it that way. Like I said, I hate having to be dependent on people. Perhaps that is because so many people I have had to trust were unfaithful. When you are handicapped, people think they can take advantage of you and often do when you are young.

When Mark and I met, I was just getting ready to move out of my parents home into an apartment with a friend. God knew I needed someone faithful in my life immediately and who better than my future husband; someone who would make me their number one priority and be willing to do things for me simply for the joy of doing them. Not because they were their duty. The funny thing was that I sensed Mark's faithfulness almost immediately which is why I told him I wasn't playing around and wanted to be sure he wasn't either. Mark never minded that my eyesight sucked. Obviously, he would prefer that I could see and he wishes he could give me one of his eyes, but my reality is not even something he considers an "issue." He never minds doing all the driving. He never minds doing the shopping. He never minds having to drop me off and pick me up because I cannot do it myself. He doesn't mind me asking what to many would be dumb questions such as, "What is that thing I am pointing to twenty feet away?" You might be surprised how many people I met did mind these things and opted out because my handicap was inconvenient or embarrassing to them. Mark has never ever made me feel like I was an inconvenience or embarrassment to him. Ever. And again, this "suffering" I carry daily has only served to make us stronger because we do everything together. We have learned how to make everything fun. After 15 years of being together, we still find so many things fresh and new and thrilling. The flip side of that is after 15 years I fully know what to expect from Mark so all those fresh and new and exciting things are even more enjoyable because of the history we share. There is nothing wrong with being dependent on someone. God gave us people so that we could learn to help each other and appreciate it. Just be certain it is the right person who will be faithful to you.

God has shown me His faithfulness by bringing Mark into my life at just the right moment and allowing me to see immediately the treasure that he is. I recognized faithfulness when I saw it and I am so blessed and well taken care of because Mark is so faithful. Faithfulness is something I make my everyday mission to walk out for my children. Faithfulness to them and to Mark so that they wil feell secure and loved, will want to mimic it, they'll know it when they see it in future friends and mates, they will not take it for granted or throw it away selfishly as if it grows on trees. It is a rare treasure, a gift from God to those who will choose to redeem it.