The Passover Revelation

Our family has been enjoying all the snow for the past week. We rarely get this much nor have it stay around this long. As you can see, Bud is enjoying the snow too! The kids have been sledding down our hill daily and building snow forts with the neighbors. Amazing how snow often brings neighborhoods together. Of course, on many occasions, we have missed Samuel. He would have had a blast this week. Anna is wearing his coat and the brand new boots I bought him last year and from a distance, one can almost pretend..........well, not really.
My Mom spent the night with us this weekend because of the blizzard at her house and we had a fun time. She brought the kids their Christmas gifts and we decided to open them early, on Hanukah instead. We are supposed to have snow till Christmas. I think we will be quite tired of it by then but it is sure pretty, especially at Bud's house.

One year ago, yesterday, was the day we got labs for Samuel with no blasts. It was our Christmas miracle. The one we were praying for. I thought about it quite a bit yesterday. How we really thought we had done something. And we had. I am even more aware of how great that accomplishment was today than I was a year ago. Last year, we had hope once again, and we enjoyed every second of it. Last year at this time, Samuel was getting stronger by the day and he was so happy. I let myself shed a few tears yesterday as I remembered last year. That day was so filled with joy. We had no idea the horror that still awaited us. Last night, Kaysha picked up Anna's duck, "Sara" that I gave her after Samuel left. It quacks. He received it for Christmas a few years back but never bonded with it so I put it away in his save box. I kept his "Sara" so gave this one to Anna. Kaysha handed the duck to me last night and said, "Sara smells funny." I took it and smelled it. I knew that smell immediately. I took it to Mark and told him to smell it. He said, "It smells like Samuel." This duck which he hasn't touched in years suddenly has his scent on it, like he just played with it. Hmm.......

I have been quite busy the last two weeks. The Lord and Samuel gave me a gift early this month and I have spent a lot of time "opening it up." When something terrible happens to you, you think that you will have to wait to get to Heaven before you can get answers. Well, I found out over the past two weeks that that is not so. The Lord cares about our cares and He is not only a great comforter, but also counselor. It also helps to have a son in Heaven who is also concerned that I know the answers and the truth about what happened to him and exactly what he knows about it. With that said, I have never had the Lord show me anything like I am about to share. It has all the earmarks of God on it. It is huge, significant and a treasure hunt. I cannot even put it all into words which for me, is saying a lot but I will give you an overview.
Early in December, I had a dream in which Samuel and I were walking along a path that ran next to a river and we were looking for something. I know I was looking for answers and it was about him. But I could not tell if he was leading me, or if we were both searching together. I have no idea where we were but he did not seem lost. I woke up before I found what I was looking for. I did not think much of the dream, at first. Just recounted it to Mark as one of the more interesting ones. Then, a few days later, I was listening to an archived teaching from our church like I do every morning and that was when the "treasure box" arrived. I do want to share with you the gifts which were inside but there was so much and it drew out so many emotions and a lot of shocking things that I am still working through it. It has absolutely been a Revelation.

I began listening to the archived teachings from our church some weeks ago starting in December of '07 and going forward. I was listening to last year's Passover service when the thought occurred to me that I should look at the date of it. It was from 4/19/07. I thought about what we were doing then and I about fell out of my chair. Passover, the weekend that Jesus was crucified and rose again, was the same weekend that I signed the DNR. I started going back in my mind to that weekend and realized that we said, saw or felt some of the VERY SAME things that happened when Jesus was crucified. It was a chilling discovery. So chilling that I called my Mom to tell her because I knew that she would also understand the significance of that weekend for both Jesus and us.

Friday April 18th was the day I told our Oncologist "We are finished" we signed the DNR for Samuel. I did it out of mercy for his sufferings. We could not take anymore of what felt like the devil tearing him to shreds from the inside out. Everytime we solved one problem, another worse one came up. Friday was the day it because obvious that his body was being torn apart from the inside out because he started bleeding out of his gut. Friday I sat in a room in the dark with him for three hours waiting to be transferred to the hospital praying that God would heal him or take him away from this suffering. Friday was the day I called my Mom to tell her that Samuel was going to go live with Jesus because we thought he would die on that day and he woke up from his sleep to say, "I am NOT going to go live with Jesus, I am going to stay right here." Friday was the day Mark's mom brought Samuel a quilt she had just finished making. She had feared the entire time she was making it, that when it was done, his life would be done and she delivered it on the day we said we would let God take him if He so desired. Friday is the day his whole body was shutting down and he was filling with fluids. He was dying. Friday was the day we knew the leukemia had the upper hand. On Friday, a part of me died. We knew it was over. Friday was the day we realized Samuel's life was between him and God. After that day, there was nothing I could do for him that helped "make him better." Samuel did not physically die on that day, but it sure felt like a death all the same.
Friday was the day Jesus was condemned to death, betrayed by one of his own. Friday was the day He shed his blood and said, "It is finished." Friday was the day He gave his life back to God. "Not my will, but thy will." Friday was the day darkness fell over the earth from noon to three as Jesus died. Friday was the day He was wrapped in special burial clothes.
On Saturday, again, another "blood offering" this time pouring from his nose and was unstoppable. He shed 8 ounces of blood before we got it to stop. Another miserable day. My Mom came in to pray and it was that night that we took communion and read the passages of The Lord's Supper with Samuel. We asked God for mercy to take him or heal him. My Mom and I celebrated "Passover" ON Passover without even knowing it. We read the appointed verses and partook of the most important parts of the meal. The Biblical Passover had a "blood" offering from every family as part of the tradition. Only, the blood was from a lamb, not a human, until Jesus, the Lamb of God's blood was shed for us.

On Sunday, Resurrection Day, I wrote in my journal, "Heaven and Earth have been moved so we could go home from the hospital." Samuel's life which we thought would surely end, was preserved and we came home.

The Lord rose again on Sunday. When the women came to his tomb, the Heavens and the earth was shaken with an earthquake that rolled the stone away. I was completely blown away by my own wording of that weekend. When we came home, it truly felt like we had come home from a great battle.
My Mom was speechless after we finished talking about what I was shown. I said, "Lord, here I was sitting here minding my own business and you dropped this into my lap? What are you showing me?" I knew it had to be something big. With the help of my friend Sue, I was able to sort out the pieces on paper and with the help of God, I was able to see Samuel's last days in His perspective. After Samuel went to Heaven, I expressed his last days to strangers as "Only Jesus could understand Samuel's suffering. Jesus is the only one I know who suffered more.' I felt a little funny saying that at first but it felt true enough. Then the Lord shows me this weekend and I realized that my spirit understood something when I said those words that my mind had yet to find out. It was a painful walk to put it mildly, but in going back, I realized once again, that God's hand was upon us the entire way. There was nothing said or done that He missed and there is no part of this that Samuel does not know and understand. Samuel and God's gift to me this season was that of the truth of Samuel's life.

The revelation started as me realizing the spiritual warfare over Samuel's life from start to finish. I already "felt" it, but the "Passover" events confirmed it. I was shown the part I played in it. How I was led by God over and over and never gave up. Even when it looked so dire, I never quit. I realized again, that God picked Mark and I to be Samuel's parents for this very reason. Because we would never forsake Samuel even to the end. We would stay by his side watching the unthinkable happen having them forever burned into our memories no matter how hard it got.

That weekend, I fully gave Samuel's life back to God. I said in past times that I did that, but what I had really done was taken his life OUT of MD's hands. There was always something "I" could do for him right up until his gut died. I am certain the devil had a field day with me when I signed the DNR. I can tell you that while "I" did not condemn Samuel to death, our caregivers took the DNR as an okay to do so.

God showed me the people involved in our lives, especially from that weekend on. We absolutely had a Judas: a betrayer. You cannot betray someone easily unless those you betray them to already have an agenda so our "Judas" played right into their hand. Perhaps had our "Judas" advocated FOR us rather than against us, the events that started on 4/21, Samuel's birthday, would have been different. We will never know. As I continued to play out the events of Samuel's last weekend in the hospital and study Jesus's last weekend, I could totally give Biblical names to those who were around us based on their actions. God showed me their motives and how many just wanted Samuel out of their way. Remember how I wrote back then that it seemed as if people just wanted Samuel to hurry up and die? A veil was absolutely torn for me on Friday just as it was in Jesus's day. I could clearly see those for us and against us after that. It literally came down to those who wanted to help us do anything they could for Samuel and those who took the DNR as an opportunity to hasten his death. It was that cut and dry. Shockingly so.

I realized that Samuel both knows how much we did for him, and how much hurt we carried, as well as everyone who was for him and against him. Samuel KNEW our part in those last days. The only two people recorded at the cross are Jesus's Mother and His beloved disciple John. Everyone else either turned against Jesus, or watched from afar too afraid to get close just in case something bad would happen to them. In the end, it was Mark and I. We were the only ones willing to stick with Samuel no matter what, for his entire life. Many watched from afar. Few were able to get down and dirty when it really mattered. Who did Samuel want with him when things were at their worst? Only Mark and I. No one else.

God revealed to me what was wrong with Samuel's gut and why he really died. We never had an autopsy done because I could not bear to give his body to any other MD to tear up so we were never certain of much other than his gut was torn to shreds. I asked God to show me exactly what happened to Samuel and He did. And I will just say this. Don't ask God something if you can't handle the truth because it is awful. I will tell you more about this at a later date. It is a lot to take in and absolutely heartbreaking. Samuel should not have lived the last ten months he did. He should have died several times before that. God truly preserved him and continued to hear and answer our prayers for healing. God never fully revealed to me what was wrong with Samuel's gut until now but He always showed me exactly what to do to take care of it. Things I did from the very beginning, such as taking over making all his food. Not giving abx twice a week in those early days. Stopping chemo Switching to herbs whenever possible. And all those times I knew we had to stop doing XYZ because it was going to kill him. All the pieces snapped together for me. I did not need the "full story" about Samuel's gut because I was already doing everything for it that would have treated it. The damage at the end was just too much.

But God also revealed that Samuel's gut issues were reversible had we gotten help earlier. Like in 2006. Like in 2004. But no one was interested. And again, I was irritated because I knew Samuel should not have died and that his death was preventable had people listened and helped early on. Knowing exactly what happened to his gut opened up even more revelation about Samuel's last days and how the medicine the Onc refused to switch caused him very much more undo suffering because it was ripping his gut to shreds. It barely managed the pain it was causing. The Onc was adamant that Samuel's pain was all cancer and I was adamant it was gut. I was literally physically ill after the Passover weekend because no one would help me with Samuel's meds. I wanted him weaned off the Fentanyl which is 100x more potent than morphine and put onto Nubain which did not affect the gut. They refused telling me that the only way my pump was going to be programmed was up, the pharmacist did not want to have to be inconvenienced by mixing me a new med right after he did the Fentanyl and there was no way Samuel could just go off Fentanyl. There was a window of opportunity there where his stomach did work and he did absorb Tylenol and Neurontin and they worked SO MUCH better than the fentanyl. Now I know why. Neither of those were ripping his gut to shreds. But they only worked for a couple hours. Our GI was adamant that we could get Nubain on a PCA pump and I was told it was impossible at our hospital. I am certain the switch would have made Samuel's passing a lot less painful. I haven't seen anyone go through the kind of unmanageable pain that Samuel had. The thing was, the Onc and the rest of the team for that matter, never expected cancer pain to escalate to the degree Samuel's did. They said he broke all the records and they had never seen anything like it. It wasn't leukemia pain. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt now. He suffered in the end needlessly. But then, he always suffered needlessly throughout many other instances simply because people refused to listen or help.
I had to really deal with my own anger against certain people as I looked back. The Lord helped me SO much in that respect. He brought me this revelation and it brought so many tears and so much anger that I again asked Him why He was dredging this all up now. Did He really want me to be angry? No, He wanted me to give it all to Him. ALL of it. He showed me person after person and I would forgive them saying that they couldn't have known what they did, because if they had, I don't know how they could live with themselves. After the Lord got through all the people, He told me that He knows who they are and He knows what they did and did not do. Nothing was hidden from Him and He is not happy with some of them. So, I said, "Show them what they did and let them repent." I have carried the sorrow of those last days when I fought so hard to get Samuel's meds changed or do something that would help his gut and people blocked me every step of the way. God showed me that this is NOT my burden to carry. So I gave it back to Him to shift to the person who should have it. For the past seven months, the Lord has showed me over and over His magnificent love. This was the first time, He revealed to me that He is a just God and is not mocked. That was fairly humbling and startling at the same time. God loves people but He hates sin. Proverbs 6:16-20 16 These six things the LORD hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil, A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren.
God showed me that Samuel fought to the end. He refused to give up even trying to walk and move to keep from dying without me ever telling him to do it. I had to tell him to get up off the couch and move to live back in December but in April and May, I never said a word. He just did what he knew worked before. He wanted to stay with us. I believe he left as a last resort, the pain drove him to that choice in the end. That and me telling him to go because it was the only way he would be healed. I believe he made that choice when I had him call to Jesus. When Jesus came, I also believe he did some negotiating because it took him awhile to decide if he was going or not. Evidenced by him seeming to come in and out of his body to "play" with us before he finally left.

What was hardest for me after Samuel left was wondering if I just did not have enough faith to get our last prayer answered. Did I just get too tired of the fight? Did I give up? The Lord showed me my heart. As I look back and see that every place we sat down and prayed with all our hearts for Samuel's healing, a door was opened where there seemed no door and he lived. Things got better. Perhaps not overnight, but they improved. In April, on Passover, when my Mom and I prayed over him, our prayer changed. We spoke the Words of healing over Samuel but also told God that we wanted him completely healed here or taken to Heaven. I realized that in my heart, I was asking God to END his suffering on earth forever. I couldn't take it anymore. I could not just sit by and helplessly watch him suffer all the while he was depending on me to know what to do. That was the worst. Much less be surrounded by people who were never committed to saving him which is truthfully what we had with very few exceptions. Now, while I have prayed "Heal him or take him" before, I never truly wanted God to take him. I wanted God to heal him here. On that weekend, I wanted God to take him if "healing" him here meant he would just continue to fight for his life and suffer. Can you imagine God healing him that weekend just to have something else come up down the road? Think about the what happened at the cross. That weekend was about spiritual warfare. It showed me the battle was great over Samuel's life on earth. And I realized, again, that the devil was NEVER going to leave Samuel alone. Even had God completely healed Samuel that weekend, the devil would have just done something else down the road. His gut falling apart wasn't enough. Leukemia wasn't enough. Cellulitis wasn't enough. God always showed me what to do and Samuel lived in spite of the odds. Samuel gave himself to God. The devil did not take him. He doesn't have that power.

The devil threw everything he had at Samuel inventing new and more hideous things as time passed. The people around us might have changed from time to time but the devil just used whomever would submit. There was only one way for Samuel to go and that was up. He was never going to be left alone here. And through all that, Samuel wanted to stay. He would have chosen to live like that because he loved us. Samuel listened to me and he went to Jesus.
God honored my heart and love for Samuel by taking him. He honored my faith that He, God, had a better place for Samuel and there was no further reason for him to endure here. Even though Samuel did not want to go, and we wanted him to stay and be healed, God knew that his life of constant torment would never end. We are not promised an easy life, that is for certain. It wasn't about Samuel's gut NOT being healed because I absolutely know that God could have done that anytime and in fact led me to healing it over and over, right up until the devil threw something at us. Things would always just be getting good and out from nowhere, massive problems. I believe that if we had prayed for God to "heal" Samuel on that weekend, He would have opened another door for us because He honors faith and His Word. He honored my faith the entire time. But in the end, that wasn't really what was in my heart for Samuel. As much as it killed me to let him go, to tell him to go, to cry out to God to take him, I did it because I loved him that much and I knew that he would forever be free from ALL OF THIS.
One of my questions for Samuel was if he knew how hard we tried? How much we wanted him to stay. How much we did not want him to continue to suffer. Did he know that we just didn't want him to stay in a place where his life would be as it was? Did he know that we tried to honor his dying wishes? Did he know that we loved him enough to let him go knowing how hard it would be without him? I believe things were decided in the 17 days that followed the Passover weekend. We came home with a tinge of hope but it was snuffed out quickly when the final decisions were stolen from us. The Lord showed me that Samuel knows all of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. Samuel wants ME to know that he knows it all. I know he wants me to live without the gigantic burdens of sorrow I have carried that are NOT mine to carry. Not only that, but he wants to me to know that he fought to the end to stay anyway even in that condition because he loves me that much. I also believe Samuel wants YOU to know this as well. Samuel's legacy to you will always be the power of love that comes from God that overcomes every circumstance even death. Samuel continues to show me his love from Heaven. His physical death only set him free to live the life he should have had here. His love hasn't changed.

Only God could know everything I did because He told me to do it. That night I signed the DNR, I was saying, "Please don't let it end like this. Not after all this! Why did we get this far only to have him die anyway?" It felt so cruel. Like God had decided about Samuel's life without me. After all the battles, all the time I listened to God and kept Samuel going, it hurt so much. Not one person who came into that room with Samuel and I on that day knew what they were walking into. A part of me died in that room. As Mark said, it was a blessing and a curse that Samuel lived as long as he did. Samuel NEVER gave up. It was me who told him to go, gave the Lord back his Spirit, and Samuel understands how much I loved him to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I think that is why he makes sure to leave us special signs on the 7th and 8th of ever month. Because he knows how much we truly loved him on those days. And God let me know that He does not take any of Samuel life and the needless suffering lightly. Samuel's blood is very precious to Him. I have thought for months, how could this all be over? After all that, Samuel's life is just gone. Swept under the carpet. God reminded me that He has not forgotten any of it. I have to say that it is very easy to drop your burdens and anger at God's feet when He tells you that HE hasn't forgotten.
As we celebrate the birth of Jesus, I am reminded again of my own words. The best gifts come from God. The greatest gift of all is our Lord Jesus who died for us. As I continue to take in all that God has shown me about Jesus's last days, and Samuel's last days, the greatest thing to come out of each, is the love that had to be there for the sacrifice to take place. Jesus gave His live so that we all could have the free gift of eternal life and rightstanding with God. Samuel was willing to sacrifice the quality of his life to stay with us longer. He did this for years so he could stay. Thinking about Jesus. Thinking about Samuel. That kind of love is overwhelming! I have been so lucky to have tasted it. Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for my baby, Samuel.

Patterns I See

Seven months today-- and I am starting to see a pattern develop. Samuel is keeping track of the 7th and 8th too. I have looked back on the journal and found that I have recorded something significant happening on the 7th and 8th of every month since Samuel chose to live with Jesus. Usually, it has been something from Samuel to me, or something extremely enlightening about his life from God that helps me continue to cope. I looked back at each month seeing how at each point, it was like I was living a completely different life from the month before as well. Regardless of where I was emotionally, Samuel has made certain that we know he lives as we approach the anniversaries of the most horrible days of our lives. I have to believe that the moment he left his body was the best day of his life and yet somehow he still knows that while we are happy for him to be free, it still hurts us so much to live without him. It still hurts to think about his last moments. It still hurts to just live some days. Mark says life is quiet and sad. I thought of so many times where I felt Samuel's pain while he was here. Times when I felt like I carried the hurt, pain and fear that he never knew. Now, it is as if he is trying to shoulder our pain by easing it as often as we allow him to. I have literally felt him "with us" especially when we are able to live and escape sadness. I can feel his smile at those times.

This 7th and 8th are no exception to the pattern for this month either. Mark and I, again, had a lovely weekend together. A few months back, being alone together was rather awkward and while nice for a change, felt wrong. That feeling has diminished as we have slowly allowed ourselves to live again. Who were we as a couple, before Samuel's saga? We are starting to remember. Our alone time has become very special to us as we figure out what this new life entails.

My Mom was able to come and attend Shabat with us which was so cool for me because I have been wanting her to be a part of this congregation ever since we first attended. We have finally found our church home and family and I just bask in the entire service every Saturday. This continues to be the highlight of my week for sure. They save us seats in the front each week and I sit next to a couple who are a little hard of hearing. I adore them and they adore us and it is literally like seeing family each week even though we are just getting to know each other. I cannot say enough about how awesome this place is. Our pastor likened his congregation to a pack of carnivorous dinosaurs hungry for the Word of God and I absolutely took that as confirmation that even Samuel approves of our choice for worship. The only regret I have is that we were never able to take Samuel to church. For several months of going, I was really bothered at times because he was not able to be with us. I would walk in and wish I was holding his hand. But in the last month, I have stopped thinking and wishing about something I cannot change and last weekend, I actually walked to my seats and never gave it a thought. The worship service began and I don't know if I thought of Samuel first or if his thoughts brought him to me but he came to be with me at the instant I was aware of his name. I don't believe I was thinking of him at all. I was singing Hallelujah's to God and Samuel came to me. I thought immediately of how I had come to worship God alone and He, in exchange for my obedience and acceptance of His decision about Samuel's life, rewarded me with the desire of my heart--to be there with Samuel. I wiped the tears as I basked in Samuel being with me here praising God and it was our secret. It did not matter that no one noticed and it didn't matter that I could not see him. He was there, right where I wanted him to be all along. Perhaps he has always been going with us but I never noticed him because I was too busy feeling sad about him NOT being there. This week, I walked in, sat down, enjoyed all the people and the fact that my Mom was there. The songs started and within a few minutes, as the Sprit came, Samuel was with me again. I asked Mark if he "felt" Samuel, but he did not. Samuel has sent me many signs and messages but Mark has had very few. I don't think it is for lack of Samuel trying, I think you need to be in a special spiritual place to receive things that are spirit. I have certainly learned that when you are immersed in God, there seems no separation between Samuel and me.

Mark and I sprayed a wrap with a giant turtle design a couple years ago and Samuel loved the turtle so much that we sprayed the design on a shirt for him. He used to wear it for days on end and one day it vanished. Awhile back, I asked Mark if he had ever seen Samuel's turtle shirt since his departure, but he hadn't. All his clothes are packed up and have been for months so we just assumed it was lost at the hospital or something. Last night, I had Kaysha spend a couple hours in her room after I discovered that her idea of cleaning was to deposit everything on the closet floor and hope no one noticed. I had went in there yesterday morning looking for her leather jacket so I could borrow it but instead found a giant mound of mess. Lo and behold, after she started going through the pile, we found the turtle shirt. A few days back, I realized that Samuel's clothes which I found his smell on a few months back don't smell anymore so I put them back in Anna's drawer for her to wear. Samuel most likely wore them about a year ago and his scent lasted a long time. I am grateful for that but I was saddened to note that his smell has vanished. I guess he wanted to make sure that I had something to replace the pants with so he helped me find his shirt.

This morning, I got up while Mark was still in the shower. He came downstairs to find me reading e-mail. I was in the middle of reading so I blew him a kiss as a hello. We do that fairly often. He got excited and told me that Samuel had been here this morning. Apparently, while HE was surfing the net around 6am this morning, he heard a kiss blown behind him clear as day. He told me he had assumed it was me so he asked, "Oh, are you up already?" (I hate mornings, remember?) No one answered. He turned around to realize the room was empty. Samuel is the only other person in the house who greets him with a blown kiss and that was the moment he realized Samuel had greeted him with a kiss, on this, the seven month anniversary. Almost at the exact time of his departure too. Mark was very happy. I thought it was so cool that Samuel and I greeted Mark in the exact same way today. Apparently, we are share the same thoughts.

I miss you so much, baby! But, you already know that. I wish I could hug and kiss you. Can you ask Jesus about that? Mama loves you SO MUCH and my arms ache to hold you again. See what you can do about that, okay? I am glad you finally got through to you Daddy too! He was so happy to hear you. Have fun, baby. Tell Jesus and God thanks for us in person. We can't wait to see you again. Mama.

Holidays

Our family had a nice Thanksgiving with Mark's parents who cooked dinner for us all. My Mom attended as well and we had a nice evening full of laughter. As I anticipated, Samuel's missing presence at the table was not a problem for me because he never ate anyway. A couple years ago, when we had a nice dinner in our own home, he did not want to eat the bird--he wanted to kiss the bird.

The kids planned to spend Thanksgiving night with Mark's parents and Mark and I planned to do some shopping on Friday without them. Our big plan was to hit Costco when it opened and get the food shopping done and also see if they had anything we might like to get the kids for Christmas. It would be the first time we would get to shop for them together in over four years. Usually, I shop online, have everything delivered and Mark doesn't see anything until it arrives. So, I was excited to be able to do this together for once. Costco was pretty empty so we were able to take our time and see everything we wanted to look at. Daniel absolutely needed a winter coat so we did that first and did not save it for Christmas either. He got it right away. After Samuel left, we have realized that everyone has done without some article of clothes for quite some time. We could never get out to do any shopping and no one ever mentioned they did not have socks or underwear or jeans that fit and we never had time to notice. So now I think we are just about caught up on what kids are needing for clothing.
We walked through the toys and found that dinosaurs are really popular this year since Costco had three different dino toy offerings which seemed like a lot since they carry so few toys. I don't remember them carrying dino toys earlier this year. We stopped at each one to discuss which Samuel would have liked better. There was a huge three horn that he could have ridden on and we decided he would have liked that one best. It didn't feel overly sad or even strange to discuss it. It just felt like Samuel was on every aisle there waiting for us to find him and each time we did, we were happy. I decided that we needed to pick out a dino for Anna that could be from Samuel for Christmas and by doing that, I could still buy something he would like, but it would be for her FROM him. Somehow that helps. We did not find anything at Costco however. I told Mark I wanted to go to Walmart after Costco. He asked me if I was crazy since it was supposedly the biggest shopping day of the year. I said I wanted to go "because we can." For the past four years, we had told each other that "we can only do what we can do" and usually that was said because there was so much we could not do. So I told him that our new mantra was going to be "because we can and we couldn't before."

Earlier in the week, I was thinking of fall of 2004 when we were still trying to follow a chemo protocol and Samuel was going up to Seattle four times a week. The entire family made the trip to nearly every appointment even if it was a ten minute IV push. Two hours up, and two hours back, just for that. Oh, it was so ridiculous! In fall of 2005, the night before Samuel's surgery to reconnect his gut, I was reading his chart and found where his Onc had noted that Samuel always comes to clinic with his entire family. I thought it was funny he would write that since every word written by him was professional and impersonal which is more than I can say for the surgeon who was doing the surgery that day....but that is another story. Anyway, I thought about why he would have written a note that Samuel's entire family always came to clinic with him. Either we were thoroughly annoying or it was unusual for a whole family to always come. Since he was professional in all his charting, I have to think it was the latter. I started remembering all the days that everyone sacrificed to see Samuel get better. His problems did not simply affect him alone, but everyone. If he could not do something, no one did it. If he could not go, no one went. If he could not eat it, but wanted to, no one could. We chose not to do many things so as not to hurt Samuel's feelings. I did not want him to be left alone wishing he could do something others were doing. I did not want him to feel like everyone was having fun without him. Perhaps that is why he never thought anything of being sick for so long, because it affected everyone. It wasn't until last April that he realized it was just him that was affected. Thankfully, none of the kids minded having their lives so closely tied to his. When he was doing well, we certainly took all opportunities we had to live as normally as we could. As we move forward, it has been hard to shake the habits of "we can't do that because...." We were sitting home the other night and I decided we should go out to dinner at 7:30pm. Mark looked shocked and asked me why. I said, "Because we can." And it dawned on him then too....oh yeah, we can. It is bittersweet however, when you remind yourself that the only reason you can do something "normal" is because someone died.

And so, we went to Walmart which wasn't as busy as we thought it might be. Everyone we encountered, both people and employees, were all very friendly and I enjoyed being able to shop for my children with Mark. The dinos were out in full force at Walmart too and when Mark found a certain three horn and handed it to me, I could not bear to leave it at the store. We wondered if Samuel rides on one that looks just like it. We brought it home but I could not stand the thought of putting it in the closet for a month so we stuck it in Anna's car seat when we picked her up from Mark's parents and let her find it telling her that Samuel left it for her. It's name is now Tricia and it is well loved already. Everytime I see it, I can't help but smile. Samuel would have adored it.

Mark and I had a nice lunch out before coming home for the day and Samuel was not far from us. I did not feel like we were alone with so many reminders of him. It was such an enjoyable day for us to be together doing something truly "normal" because for the first time in many years, we could. I thank God for the good days where I don't have a constant battle going on in my mind between contrasting emotions.

With Thanksgiving out of the way, I started pondering Christmas. The kids are begging to do the tree and I was feeling a little blah about it. Samuel picked out a blue string of ball lights last year for his room that I am thinking of putting on the tree this year. He only had one string though and we would need two. So we looked for a matching string over the weekend but did not find one. I walked down the next aisle to be sure we did not miss any other lights and found the stockings. That is when it hit me. When I drag out all the Christmas stuff, I will be pulling out Samuel's stocking. The one he picked out for himself a few years back. What am I supposed to do with that? Pack it up? Put it out anyway? Fill it? Leave it empty? Ignore it? I realized, once again, as if I could forget, that he won't be here. Last year, what little we did do for Christmas was the last time I would ever be able to spend Christmas with him. It was the last time our family would be together for Christmas. Did we even realize that then? It had been our best Christmas ever. Samuel, even though his body was a wreck, had no pain and was so happy. Mark and I knew we had gotten our Christmas miracle. It was as perfect as it could be. God gave us a gift no man could give: more time, more memories, and more joy. He honored us. I don't know how any Christmas to come will even compare.

I came home from the store with no lights for the tree to match Samuel's. Apparently they are one of a kind, irreplaceable, just like he is. I was annoyed. I asked Mark what we were going to do with Samuel's stocking. He said we would get it out with all the others just like usual. Okay. Then what? No answer to that. This should really NOT be so difficult. This is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" right? I understand why so many dread it. Because you come face to face with everything that is wrong in your life. There is no hiding from the truth and as much as I have considered it, we cannot just ignore the season either. So, I sat the kids down a couple days back to ask them if any of them remembered what they received for Christmas last year. No? How about the year before? No? Any year before? They did finally come up with a couple things they had received in previous years but none of the things were important today. I then asked them if they remembered what we wanted for Samuel last year. They did. They remembered that we all wanted him to be with us, to be healed and to be happy. I asked, "Who gave us that?" "Jesus." "So then would we all agree that the best gifts are not the ones that cost money? The best gifts are the ones we receive from God, right?" They all agreed. I wanted them to understand that while their tangible presents are nice, they only bring temporary happiness. Case in point; they don't even remember the gifts they received last year. Gifts that bring joy come from the Lord.

Mark has always said that Christmas is for kids. Emphasis on presents. He did not grow up in a household where Christmas was about Christ and he feels that it hasn't been about Christ as a whole for a long time. After discussing the "gifts" of Christmas with the kids, I then asked them what Christmas was about. "The birth of Jesus." Now, we are aware that Jesus was not born on 12/25 and that Christmas is not a holiday ever celebrated in the Bible, however, it is the day that Christians have chosen to dedicate to Christ's birth so we do so. "So, why do we put up a tree? What does that have to do with Jesus?" No one had an answer. It is just tradition. Our parents did it, their parents did it, we just do it. I have always enjoyed the tree, the lights, the ornaments but how do they represent the birth of Christ? They are not Biblical symbols passed down from Biblical times. They are pagan symbols adopted by Christians.
Psalms 19:1-3 The heavens declare the glory of God; And the firmament shows His handiwork. This verse tells us that we should be able to find God in every part of creation. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 says we should teach the teachings of God always in all things. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. So, keeping these verses in mind, we set out to find God in our Christmas symbols so that every time we see them, we remember the Christ in Christmas. We want to consecrate this holiday season for the glory of God, not desecrate it.


Jesus is our gift from God. He paid the price for our lives. He is the reason we have hope in this life. God thought so much of us that He paid for us with the life of His son. Did we deserve it? Did we ask for it? Did we even know we needed it? Do we care about this today? I know what it is like to watch my son die. I did it knowing he would be with God but that did not make his passing any easier to witness. I cannot imagine God knowingly sending his own son to suffer and die for us; Jesus knew what the prophecy of his life was to be. Even He asked God to change his mind before submitting to His will. I cannot imagine Samuel having to give his life in such a hideous way to save the world. Imagine how Mary must have felt. I have sat in a rocking chair pulled up to a Christmas tree nursing little baby boys and thought of Mary nursing baby Jesus. A miracle baby boy who came to save the world. So innocent. he never hurt anyone. Can you imagine holding him? I never imagined all the miracles that would have come from Samuel's life when I held him as a baby or made ornaments while he was growing inside me. I never dreamed I would watch him die. Samuel never hurt anyone yet many have shed tears for him.

After the kids and I got through talking about all the pagan symbols of Christmas and they were so excited to see God tied into them all, Kaysha asked,'Well, why do we get presents then?" They know Santa is a farce. Parents at Christmas have a great opportunity to learn about God as OUR parent. We choose gifts for our children based on needs and wants and what is best for them at this time in their lives. I enjoy blessing my children with gifts because I love them. I have fun and I often cannot wait for them to receive their gifts. I think God enjoys blessing us and often He cannot wait for us to be ready for His gifts either but everything He does has it's appointed time too. I spend time choosing gifts that are appropriate for the kids even if it was not what they thought they needed. God does this for us. I don't buy them gifts based on their behavior which makes Santa even more a farce. No kid is that good! I won't bribe my kids with thoughts of Santa in exchange for "being good." They should WANT to be good because we have a relationship of love.and respect. God gives us a choice. We can choose Him willingly and walk in His blessings, or we can choose the world. God gave us the gift of Christ, not because we were good or deserved it, but rather because we were sinners who needed a way out of the world and it's lusts. He gave freely showing His mercy, grace and love. I told Kaysha that they receive gifts on Christmas to remind them of mercy, grace and love and while it is nice to receive, the greatest gift of all is in the giving. It is what you do, not what you have. Things pass away. Deeds do not. They have asked if they can get something early this year and I reminded them that from the days of Adam and Eve till Jesus, all of creation looked forward to a savior. They had to wait until the appointed time. There was much joy and rejoicing when Jesus came into the world. And from that day on, all of creation has looked back on that day as a new beginning but they look forward to the promise of that day, which is eternal life. Any gift under a tree pales in comparison to that gift. God definitely wants us to have "things" and He wants to bless us, but He doesn't want these "things" to take our eyes off of Him. A Christmas Stocking is just a thing. I won't let it take my eyes off of God so I can linger in sorrow forgetting that Samuel lives on regardless of whether I can see it or not. Christmas is not about our sorrows and failures, it is about our hope in Christ. When you look to Christ, you find light, truth and joy.

The gifts I want for Christmas are gifts only God can give. I have learned over and over in the past several months that when I honor Him, He honors my deepest desires. I just want to bless Him. I plan to honor Him this season and especially on Christmas Day and I will continue to teach my children to do the same because in light of eternity, that is the greatest gift I can give to them. To God be the Glory always! Amen.