Faithfulness

Sometime within the first month after meeting Mark, we had a very pivotal conversation that became the foundation of our relationship. I told him that I wasn't just looking for a good time but that I truly wanted to get to know him. I wanted a real relationship and if he wasn't into that, I was just wasting my time. I have a real problem with wasting my time on people who don't take life seriously; I always have. I remember this conversation was almost shocking to Mark in that apparently no one had spoken to him as boldly, or no one had expressed a desire to truly pursue a relationship. He told me that he was interested in a relationship too but took things a step further by saying that he was looking for someone who would always be on his side, someone who would support him no matter what, someone who knew what it meant to be faithful. To this day, I have never forgotten his words or his wishes and every day from that first month on, I have been faithful. Our relationship has been built by laying pieces of our heart on the line trusting that the other person will always always respond in kind. I have never been disappointed.

After Samuel went to Heaven, Mark and I made a vow to shower our remaining children with the love, time and attention they sacrificed during the years he was sick. What the Lord has impressed on me most however, is that they need our faithfulness. Faithfulness to each other first, and then to them. True faithfulness is the result of a reciprocal love, allegiance, intimacy, truth and trust. Faithfulness begins as a choice to honor another person unconditionally. Over time, if faithfulness is returned in like kind, the choice just becomes second nature and the bond that forms because of it can become unbreakable.

God wants us to be faithful to Him and to those He puts into our lives whether that be friends or family, husbands or wives. Faithful relationships are our safety nets when everything around us is going wrong. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Faithfulness is something we all desire yet it is so lacking in society today that I just wonder if people even know what it is. Faithfulness is first learned by seeing it in action. Isaiah 25:1 says O LORD, You are my God .I will exalt You, I will praise Your name, For You have done wonderful things; Your counsels of old are faithfulness and truth. God revealed himself to His people by giving them a promise and then following through. Numbers 23:19 says “God is not a man, that He should lie." He is faithful to His promises whether we believe they will come to pass or not. 2 Timothy 2:13 says If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself. If God says He will do something, He will do it. God puts more importance on His own words than He does on His own name? Psalm 138:2 says I will worship toward Your holy temple, And praise Your name For Your loving kindness and Your truth; For You have magnified Your word above all Your name. Psalm 12:6 says The words of the LORD are pure words, Like silver tried in a furnace of earth, Purified seven times. The first part of identifying a faithful person is to see if they honor their own words because that is foundational. Do they follow them up with deeds everytime, or only when convenient for their own personal gain. Do you know why God purifies His words seven times? Because He knows that He has to back them up every single time, every single word. What would this world be like if everyone did this? In the past five years of writing for the entire world to read, I have tried to be ever so careful with my words because I have always known I would need to back them up or be a liar. I am like this IRL too. I expect the same of others. I have also seen the power of my own words as they came to life even a day after writing. In these days that have followed Samuel's relocation to Heaven, I have become even more meticulous with my words here. I don't want to put frivolous words out into the world. It is a waste of my time and to those who still faithfully read here, I don't want to waste your time. My prayer is Psalm 19:14; May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. I want to be true to Him first.

Identifying faithfulness is also knowing what it is not. The opposite of faithfulness is selfishness. Everyone has some degree of selfishness to be certain, but many allow selfishness to rule their lives. It is difficult to be faithful to someone who isn't faithful to you but instead faithful only to themselves. These kinds of relationships have no solid foundation and fall apart quickly. Proverbs 20:6 says Most people will proclaim each his own goodness, But who can find a faithful person? True faithfulness is selflessness. It is a rare treasure to be certain. It is a gift each of us need to learn to give to each other, a gift God wants us to give, but you can't give it if you are motivated by our own ego. What is fascinating about God is that He is most often content to be in the background; the wind beneath our wings.

Seeing a real life example of faithfulness is the best way to learn how to identify it and mimic it. I learned what faithfulness looks like from Delma. Growing up, I had several friends who stand out as being truly faithful and I recognized their faithfulness because of Delma's. I have been pondering faithfulness a lot as I observe many of the neighborhood kids with broken families, or worse; parents who are together but are completely unfaithful to each other and their kids. Couples can be married all their lives and never be truly faithful to each other and by that I don't mean just sexually. I mean in word and in deed; Godly faithfulness. Then they wonder why their kids have unsuccessful relationships or are just clueless as to what a real relationship is. It grieves me and I pray about it a lot. What can "I" do, Lord? Show me where the opportunities are and don't let me miss them.

One of the hearts innermost desires is for faithfulness. Mark didn't need to have any Bible teaching to tell him he should be looking for a faithful mate. He just knew it innately. Children are no different. They may not be able to express it in words, but they desperately need faithfulness in their lives in order to grow up into stable adults. If their parents are not faithful to them, who will be? If their parents don't teach them faithfulness by example, who will? If parents are not faithful to children, the child will inevitably stop trusting them. They will look for faithfulness elsewhere. They need someone with whom they can share their most intimate thoughts, hopes, dreams and wishes with trusting their hearts won't be crushed. The need someone they know will be there no matter what whom they can run to when they get into trouble. They don't need someone who says "Keep to yourself, Do not come near me, For I am holier than you!" (Isaiah 65:3) They need to know their parents have made mistakes too and are willing to share them openly. They don't need someone whose" faithfulness is like a morning cloud, and like the early dew it goes away." (Hosea 6:4b) A parents faithfulness needs to be unconditional. If not, children will eventually end up seeking it in someone else and whether that is a good or bad person is going to be based on who is accessible. Hence, why we find so many kids in gangs.

God has left us examples of faithfulness in The Bible so we could refresh or re-educate ourselves accordingly and often. The Book of Ruth is just incredible. Have you read it lately? I have been working on this post for several days now and asking the Lord for answers about different things in my own life and as a result, I have read this book many times this week. Each time, I see something new and the more I ponder it, the more God shows me about true faithfulness and it's rewards in our lives.

The Book opens with Naomi and her husband leaving Israel for Moab because of a famine. Naomi has two sons at the time. The sons end up marrying Moabite women. There are several problems here. First, Naomi's family walked away from God's protection of Israel to a foreign land and foreign gods. Second, her sons marry the women in this foreign land Co-mingling then is unequally yoked today. Ruth, a Moabite princess, is one of those wives. The other wife's name is Orpah. The families live together in Moab about ten years. Custom at that time was that when a son married, the new wife came to live with him at his parents' home so Ruth and Orpah would have lived in Naomi's home for the better part of ten years. Unfortunately, all their husbands die and the three women are suddenly widows. Naomi's loss is three fold because not only does she lose her husband, but also her two sons. Neither of Naomi's sons had their own children so there were no heirs. You might imagine Naomi is crushed. Suddenly, she is alone and widowed in a foreign land. She is not even supposed to be there. She decides to return to Israel where the famine has lifted and she still has blood relatives who can help her out. She tells Ruth and Orpah that she is going back to Israel and that they should return to their parents' homes. Both girls are heartbroken and weep that Naomi is leaving. They don't want her to go. Naomi reminds them that she has no more sons for them to marry and that they still have their whole lives ahead of them while she is now old with little hope. She feels that God has judged her decisions in life and as a result, judgement also has come to the girls. In short, Naomi feels that the deaths are all her fault and so as not to cause the girls any more suffering, she tells them to go away from her.

I just have to stop here for a second because God stopped me here last night. How often do we do what Naomi did? We look at our sad situation, rationalize it, and give people advice to keep them from going through our suffering. We do it for their benefit because we want to spare them our misery. I do this. I have done this, a lot. When Samuel was in the hospital in 2004 and my dad lived in CA, he asked me on several occasions when Samuel took turns for the worse if I wanted him to come to WA. Every time I told him no. There wasn't anything he could do but sit around, wait and be miserable just as we all were doing. He may as well stay where he was and try to enjoy his life because I sure wasn't enjoying mine. I don't think this was a "bad" thing to do. Why bring him into that misery? However another factor here in my experience, is that if someone asks you what you want them to do, they are looking for an opt out. They know what the right thing to do is, but they don't want to do it so they ask you hoping you will absolve them. I would rather that people did things for me because they wanted to, not because they felt it was just their duty. Maybe it is a personality flaw. The day Samuel went to Heaven, my mom asked me if I wanted her to come over. I told her that she didn't have to come over unless she just wanted to, the worst part was over with. She didn't come over. Funny thing is, I remember being shocked when I called the Hospice RN to tell her Samuel was in Heaven and just as I started to tell her not to rush because the worst part was over, we had already made arrangements for his body, and she probably didn't even need to come, she interrupted me to say she was on her way and then hung up. And you know what? I was so glad she came. That lady was an angel on earth and I wish there were more like her. I wish I had one real life lady friend like this.

Anyway, I don't hold anything against my parents for staying put. But, what if they had come anyway? What if they had come to help carry our misery? Was I really thinking rationally when I told them they didn't have to come? And again, why did they even ask what they should do? Shouldn't they have known? Wasn't Samuel their flesh and blood too? Galations 6:2 instructs us to bear each others burdens and we read that, it's quoted so often, do we really know what it means? It means we willingly willingly put ourselves hip deep in our loved ones sorrows because two are better than one and four are better than two. That is just what Ruth did. Orpah chose to go back to her parents home and because the Bible recorded her name, I am going to assume that God did not hold this decision against her. Usually, if someone totally goes against God in scripture, you will find they remain nameless. Another note, neither girl asked Naomi what she wanted them to do, it was Naomi who told them what to do. Orpah gets an honorable mention as she did do what she was told to do. But Ruth is quoted and has a whole book devoted and named after her so that we will know what true faithfulness looks like. It's pretty obvious which decision God liked better.

After Orpah left, Naomi again told Ruth to go too but Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." (Ruth 1:16-18 )

Ruth is determined to stay with Naomi no matter what, even if that meant she would continue to be judged by God on account of Naomi as Naomi fears. She didn't blame Naomi for the tragedies nor did she hate her. She didn't turn her back on a ten year relationship when the worst happened. People splitting up over tragedy is so par for the course today that it is just expected. So many have asked Mark "how we are doing" and it's no secret what they are really wanting to know. People expect hate, blame and the trashing of the relationship and it is odd to them when that doesn't happen. Going through tribulation is supposed to grow us spiritually. Romans 5:3-4 says tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Hope does not disappoint because we hope in God. I want you to know that when you endure tribulation with someone, and your faithfulness to that person has already been established years before the tribulation occurs, all that tribulation will serve to do make you stronger together. When Mark said very early in 2004, "If we can get through this, we can get through anything," he was not mistaken or throwing out idle words. Our relationship had a firm foundation in faithfulness, truth and love so that in all things, we did not have to question if our relationship was okay. We didn't have to ask what we wanted each other to do looking for an opt out. We put our full attention on Samuel, took on his sufferings as our own and did not find rest until he did. Our relationship hasn't suffered for it, but become stronger. If I am going to find joy, I want to find it with Mark. If I am going to suffer, I want him by my side. I would prefer he didn't suffer but I know he will in order to be with me. I feel the same way about him. We married for better or for worse and when I said "I do," I took that very seriously. We're in this life together until death or Jesus comes to get us. Hopefully the latter comes first. I cannot help but wonder if Ruth felt this way about Naomi. The vow she made to Naomi is very similar to a marriage vow.

Jewish history says Ruth was a Moabite princess and she gave up her inheritance to become a destitute widow in a foreign land by going with Naomi. Ruth left her homeland, her family, everything that was familiar to her to fulfill this vow. She made the choice to be inconvenienced. Her faithfulness to Naomi did not go unnoticed in Israel. Apparently everyone came to know Ruth because of her faithfulness to Naomi. On a day she just so happened to be gathering barley with all the other poor and destitute in Israel, the Judge of Israel, Boaz noticed her and asked his servants who she was. After learning about her, he showed her great favor. When she questioned him about the grace he was showing her he said this. “It has been fully reported to me, all that you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband, and how you have left your father and your mother and the land of your birth, and have come to a people whom you did not know before. The LORD repay your work, and a full reward be given you by the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings you have come for refuge.” (Ruth 2:11-12)

Ruth was fully rewarded by God for her faithfulness to Naomi and it was Naomi who got the ball rolling for her. Naomi instructed Ruth on how to behave, where to go, and what to do in all her interactions in Israel. Ruth trusted Naomi's judgement implicitly and did everything she said without question. Boaz was a relative of Naomi and ended up being the one who bought Naomi's land back for her so she had a place to live and then married Ruth so that an heir for Naomi could be established. Ruth and Naomi were no longer poor and destitute. Ruth was now the wife of a very respected Judge and was fully accepted into the Jewish community no longer as a foreigner but as kin. Ruth had a son who became a son to Naomi restoring her joy and honor and most importantly, the family line. Ruth was the great-grandmother of King David, and in the line of Jesus. Her faithfulness to Naomi was repaid many times over by God.

Ruth's faithfulness might seem extreme to us today. All the truths in the Bible have been corrupted and turned upside down in society so much so, that people are under the impression they don't need anyone, nor do they need God. Hence, why we see so little faithfulness. My poor vision has put me in the precarious position of having to be dependent on someone. It's a real pain in the butt. It's a barrier I have had to deal with my whole life. I say barrier because it has limited my circle of friends, the places I can go and the things I can do. I work around it well so as not to inconvenience others and most people who meet me IRL don't have a clue and I like it that way. Like I said, I hate having to be dependent on people. Perhaps that is because so many people I have had to trust were unfaithful. When you are handicapped, people think they can take advantage of you and often do when you are young.

When Mark and I met, I was just getting ready to move out of my parents home into an apartment with a friend. God knew I needed someone faithful in my life immediately and who better than my future husband; someone who would make me their number one priority and be willing to do things for me simply for the joy of doing them. Not because they were their duty. The funny thing was that I sensed Mark's faithfulness almost immediately which is why I told him I wasn't playing around and wanted to be sure he wasn't either. Mark never minded that my eyesight sucked. Obviously, he would prefer that I could see and he wishes he could give me one of his eyes, but my reality is not even something he considers an "issue." He never minds doing all the driving. He never minds doing the shopping. He never minds having to drop me off and pick me up because I cannot do it myself. He doesn't mind me asking what to many would be dumb questions such as, "What is that thing I am pointing to twenty feet away?" You might be surprised how many people I met did mind these things and opted out because my handicap was inconvenient or embarrassing to them. Mark has never ever made me feel like I was an inconvenience or embarrassment to him. Ever. And again, this "suffering" I carry daily has only served to make us stronger because we do everything together. We have learned how to make everything fun. After 15 years of being together, we still find so many things fresh and new and thrilling. The flip side of that is after 15 years I fully know what to expect from Mark so all those fresh and new and exciting things are even more enjoyable because of the history we share. There is nothing wrong with being dependent on someone. God gave us people so that we could learn to help each other and appreciate it. Just be certain it is the right person who will be faithful to you.

God has shown me His faithfulness by bringing Mark into my life at just the right moment and allowing me to see immediately the treasure that he is. I recognized faithfulness when I saw it and I am so blessed and well taken care of because Mark is so faithful. Faithfulness is something I make my everyday mission to walk out for my children. Faithfulness to them and to Mark so that they wil feell secure and loved, will want to mimic it, they'll know it when they see it in future friends and mates, they will not take it for granted or throw it away selfishly as if it grows on trees. It is a rare treasure, a gift from God to those who will choose to redeem it.

Sunday Drive up to the Clouds

Actually, this is the view off the cliff you drive on when you go to Mowich. Mt. Rainier was not visible today but the clouds were awesome and driving up gave the illusion that we were driving up to the clouds. We went looking for snow.

Found this waterfall on the way with a little snow beneath.

Right at the park gate is where the snow started.

Someone here before us made this snow fort.

We just found out that starting mid December, you can go on a snow shoe walk in one of the Mt. Rainier recreation spots along with sledding and snowboarding. Count us in!!!

Her hair isn't really this red but she really wants to be a red head. Looks pretty good I think. She has always been incredibly photogenic too. Her pictures are fun to play with.

The kids want MORE snow. Oh well, there's always next weekend.

It's All About Right Now

1 Thessalonians 4:11-12 says that we should aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind our own business, and to work with our own hands, that we may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that we may lack nothing.

I love when I read the Bible and scriptures speak to me right where I am, right now. It doesn't matter what my "right now" is, whether life is great or life isn't all that great, God's Word always shows me His will for my life right now.

Ever since Samuel went to heaven, I have prayed for a "quiet life." To be honest, I feel as though I deserve peace after all we have endured. That and each day, as little things come up, I realize that I am just weary of this life. I stay away from drama because I have had enough of it. I like quiet. I always have. So when I read this verse, it really caught my attention because it confirms God's wishes for me, and all His kids. We are to do our best to live a quiet life and in so doing, we will lack nothing. If we lack nothing, then logically, we should be filled with joy, right? That is just my assertion. I have found it to be true.

When Samuel was with us, we had anything but a quiet life, and yet we figured out how to have quiet days in the midst of chaos. Those quiet days gave us the strength to endure the awful ones. I longed for a life free of hospitals, upcoming surgeries or much needed transfusion and on the days when these weren't issues, we learned to ignore them entirely. The best days for us were often the ones where we just stayed home and nobody came over. The days we worked and minded our own business. The days we pretended our lives were normal. The days I didn't answer the phone if it wasn't a life or death call. Many of those days were first manufactured in our minds and then we make the conscious decision to enjoy every moment of them as if the next day, the next battle, would never come. As if the bad news could be put off forever because we chose to ignore it for a day or even just an hour. As if death wasn't an option because he was so full of life and healing was just around the corner. As if we could freeze time. There were so many moments I just wanted to push the "slow" button for. Moments when it was just our family enjoying a movie, or a meal Samuel actually ate and enjoyed, or a day his poop didn't hurt his butt, or a day where he played outside with Anna, or a day in the snow.

When I sent people notes back in 2004, I would sign them "Enjoy the day" knowing full well I wasn't going to. After months of never enjoying the days, Samuel started improving and suddenly it was him who taught us every day, what true joy was and how to find it. He chose to embrace every second he felt good. He took advantage of any slight improvement and chose to be happy, to play, and to not worry about what was coming next if the threat did not look imminent to him. He chose to enjoy the " right now" and not wait for something better to come along. He didn't want to be sick and he didn't want to be felt sorry for. He just wanted to enjoy his life no matter what the day brought him. He needed to feel like his circumstances were normal even though they weren't. He needed us to be there, all of us, every step of the way. Good or bad wasn't as important to him as whether or not we could find joy even for just a moment. He needed us to enjoy the days with him and he taught us how to do that. Joy is in the little things. Joy is in the quiet days and sometimes that means you just have to make them up if your life isn't currently all that quiet. It's worth the effort.

My emotions and well being were so well woven into his that I just followed his lead as best I could. At first, it was difficult to separate all the emotions I was overwhelmed with but as time passed I got better at managing my feelings and putting them aside in order to just live. I soon realized that each day we were faced with a choice. We could choose joy or sorrow, peace or fear, worry or faith in God. These are some very basic fundamentals God has left us instructions for in His Word. We are to sorrow not like the world who has no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13) for Jesus carries our sorrows. (Isaiah 53:4) Jesus said he left His peace with us (John 14:27) and told us to "Fear not" every time anyone looks frightened. He told us to cast our cares on God (1 Peter 5:7) and the whole Bible's premise is to have faith, faith and more faith. So, it is not as if we haven't been educated on how to live. It all comes down to us then, what we choose to do with every day we are given.

Some might call this denial and in a way, it is but not in the way you might think. By choosing to deny "reality" on so many of those days and embrace every moment of joy we could make for ourselves, we denied the devil the grip he wanted to hold on our lives. Everything we needed to have joy in those troubled times was within the walls of our home, between us and God, and the direct result of choosing to embrace the life we were given in spite of the circumstances. We hoped for tomorrows but we lived in the todays. God honored us and gave us the grace and peace we needed to hold in our hearts and be able to walk out those days and find joy in the midst of an ongoing tragedy. I will be forever grateful for that gift and the joy I felt in those times that continues to make me smile and laugh today.


Since Samuel's departure, I live a quiet life. I don't have to manufacture quiet days, they are pretty much all peaceful, just like I pray for them to be. The way my life finally became quiet wasn't the way I hoped it would be but it is what it is. So, I find that every day I am still faced with similar choices I faced when Samuel was here. I can embrace the fact that Samuel is healed and whole forever in Heaven or sorrow because he isn't still with me. I can choose to feel lonely without him or allow my spirit to feel his love from Heaven. I can live my life feeling like it is totally ruined because he died or I can embrace everything I still have knowing that he is still very much a part of what I still have. I can honor him by living life the way he did, finding the joy in things right now or I can waste the rest of my days being miserable.

Even though from the outside looking in, our family appears broken, I know otherwise and I choose to live otherwise. Each day I choose to embrace God's truth over what the world thinks is true, He blesses my efforts. The more He blesses me, the more I want to continue to choose His ways over the world's ways. Living the world's ways, you pretty much know what to expect. But living God's way means your life is going to be full of wonderful surprises. Samuel taught me how to live like this when he was here. For Samuel, this seemed to come natural and every day I'm getting better at it. Every day I realize I don't want to live any other way but His. Every day I realize that life on earth is never ever ever going to be perfect. Perfection will come when we are finally with Him. Until then, what we glean from our days is fully our decision.

1 Thessalonians 5-16-22 says to always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.

This is a key verse to me for finding joy in life. In everything, rejoice and give thanks knowing what is set in front of you is the will of God. If the circumstances aren't ideal, choose to hold on to the good. And again, I say hold on to what is good. Reject what isn't. Ignore it. Don't give the devil an inch. I think of this as God telling me to rebel against the devil and the ways of the world and I like it. I enjoy Godly rebellion because I know that He honors it. Test all things against God's Word and if they don't line up, get them out of your life. That simplifies everything. Pray for the strength you will need for each day, because tomorrow has enough worries of it's own. If danger isn't imminent, enjoy the right now. Do not quench the Spirit of God in your life but instead embrace it knowing that He can bring you unspeakable joy and blessings in the midst of any situation. Choose right now to enjoy what He has set in front of you.. Choose right now to follow His ways even if they are contrary to your emotions. Seek out a quiet simple life knowing that you will be fulfilled by it through Him. Do these things and see if His love and joy do not follow. I know they do.

To Him, I give thanks this day and every day because He is the Truth and the Life and there is no other way to truly live, but His.

Happy Thanksgiving all. Much love.

Sunday Drive

It's been awhile since we took a Sunday drive. It has been a long while since I picked up my camera to take pictures outdoors too. I hadn't left the house in over two weeks due to being sick, and everyone else being sick so a drive was just what we all needed. There just so happened to be a nice snow storm about an hour from our house, so we went.

Even Bush Woolly got to go.

We took a little snow hike around the base areas of Crystal Mountain. As you can see, the snow is pretty deep. Step off the trail just slightly and you sunk to your waist. The kids didn't mind of course. The wind was blowing, trees were cracking, avalanche patrol was on the job as well. It was quite a busy place.

Suddenly Anna looks like a lot older!

And so does Kaysha.

Bush Woolly liked the hike too and it was all great right up until his legs got full of snow balls. He didn't notice, but we did. Time to go. Next time he will have to stay home because suddenly everyone is into snow hiking. Absolutely gorgeous out!

On the way back home, we drove through the cabin area. These are so adorable! I could stay at any one of these any day. I am ready to move here now in fact.

Christmas Everyday

I had intended to get back on here and record Samuel's latest "message" to me well before now. I like to put these down while the refreshing I receive from his spirit lingers. (He was here again) Instead, my family took an unscheduled detour with the flu for the last week with everyone now in varying stages of "getting better." It's amazing how narrow your world becomes when you are sick. And then to have your entire family sick at once, nothing outside these walls even matters anymore. That "narrowing" is a very familiar feeling to us.

The flu we experienced had some particularly nasty elements. Everyone missed the GI symptoms which was nice but the splitting headache was debilitating. Then it mutated so many times that just when you thought you were getting better, your symptoms moved somewhere else and you got worse. Everyone lost their taste buds for days and Anna refused to eat because "everything is gross." I was never able to fully explain to her that the food was fine, but she just didn't taste it right. She was certain I was clueless about how gross the food was but we all had the same problem. Anna was probably the most miserable for the longest period of time, that she has ever been in her life. As hard as we tried to avoid this flu, and for all the vitamins and herbs we took to "ease" this if we did get it, it sure didn't seem as though it mattered much. Everyone had their share of the misery with this one. The one thing we do do well, however, is take care of each other. Our world was "narrowed" for so long because of Samuel, that it is just second nature for everyone to pick up the slack and keep things going as best they can. The difference now, is that we know our sickness won't last but a few days and then we can get back to our "normal" lives. Yet we also know that even with the best of planning and most careful contacts, we will still have to deal with sickness in the future, but once it has left our house, we don't give it a second thought until it makes the rounds again.

I think of Samuel a lot when I get sick. I am always glad he will miss out on whatever the newest misery is here. Anna was the first to get sick last Wednesday and Kaysha and I followed suit on Thursday. I spent that day in bed for the most part with Daniel taking care of the three of us. By Friday, I was doing better or at least, the headache was gone and Daniel was sick so I was back to taking care of them. I decided I would rather take care of the sick than be the sick. I was tricked into thinking I was getting over it too but it was just the calm before the next storm. I started thinking of our last conversations with Samuel. Telling him about how once he gets to Heaven, he will never be sick again. Not ever. He will never hurt. He can eat whatever he wants and play and play and play. I told him he would be so happy. We told him it was not fair to him to stay on earth with his body in that condition when he could go to Heaven instead. I started thinking about what that might have felt like for him. To finally know that he was truly healed. No more doctors, no more surgeries, no more medicine, no more ports, no more sore tummy and butt. I tried to imagine what that would have felt like if he was on earth with us but I couldn't imagine the joy lasting long because I knew that as long as he was here, there was never a guarantee. While we constantly worked to get him feeling better, we never ever had peace that "it" was over. We always knew tomorrow might bring disaster. And just like we know that we will get the flu or a bad cold again, we also knew Samuel would constantly have obstacles in his way that would challenge his quality of life for as long as he stayed on earth. We just chose to ignore them when his days were good so that we could enjoy those days knowing that they might be all we got here.

The day he went to Heaven was the day he was set free from that awful lifestyle of disease. That day of healing was the one we looked forward to for his whole life. It should have been a day of celebration. All his suffering was finally over and he was forever made whole and set free. He got everything we wanted him to have. Everything we told him he would get. For us, in theory, this should have been a glorious day, but it wasn't. There was no celebrating on earth even though we knew he was finally healed. All we were left with was emptiness. He went on to a party we were not invited to. He went to a place we had never been. He was experiencing something we had not yet experienced. He felt so far away and it felt so unfair that we were not able to see or experience his final healing. I thought I would feel something, but all I felt was the weight of my sorrow. It was like that for months.

I have wondered ever since the day Samuel left, how it must have felt for him to be healed. What was it like? Did he believe me immediately when I told him these things on earth, or was he skeptical like Anna was about whether or not the food was really good. Did he understand immediately that he was forever healed or did he choose to enjoy it for awhile and pretend disease and pain just didn't exist until they showed up again? And when they didn't show up, did he ask Delma and Mac if he was going to get sick again and have no Mommy there or did he fully understand that "it" was over? Did Jesus Himself help him understand? I have asked God over and over since Samuel left to just give me a glimpse of Samuel's first day in Heaven. Who was there? What did he do? Was there a big party? I never received that glimpse.

I woke up early on Saturday and got out of bed to take Bush Woolly out to pee. Mark asked me if I was feeling better. I couldn't tell so told him I would let him know when I came back upstairs. I thought of Samuel, as I began to realize that I was not better. Did he walk around Heaven saying he would let them know if he was better or not after a little stroll? I let my dog out and sat on the couch thinking I was not much better than the day before. I thought for certain I would be better. How many more days of this? My mind kept drifting back to Samuel thinking he would never experience any of this again. I was happy for him and continued to try to imagine how it would feel to be in Heaven after all he endured here. As I sat there, I started to feel Samuel's presence. The same kind of presence I felt when I dreamed I was with him in the hospital last April and then back in September when I "caught" him in my doorway. Both of those times, I was sleeping and then awakened. But this time, I was fully awake downstairs. I thought I must be imagining it, so I got up and let my dog back in and headed back to bed. But his presence grew stronger and stronger as I went back upstairs. I could feel him everywhere, all over me, and on everything I touched and I knew I wasn't imagining it. I was overcome with his emotion, not my own, but his; like when he was on earth and I felt what he felt. It was a very familiar feeling in that I knew I was feeling him, but the emotions were especially intense. Pure joy. Bursting joy. Infectious. I felt physically better immediately. And peace but with excitement. Every good thing was in there and NO bad. Nothing. You would obviously assume nothing bad, but everything we shared on earth was laced with some kind of dread. This wasn't. It was a similar joy that he has left me with previously, but bigger and bursting with wonder, excitement, perhaps a little suspense. I asked myself, "Is this what he feels like everyday? It feels like.....Christmas, when you are a kid." And then another thought, "Heaven for him is like Christmas everyday."

When I was a child, Christmas at Delma's was full of surprises and wonder. Full of loved ones, good food and fun. Full of things to do, places to go, people to see. People don't have to work, and everybody is happy and nobody is sick. Everything is beautiful, people are singing about Jesus, everything is decorated to the 9's. Delma and Mac always put Christmas lights on their house. She had fresh flowers on her table. Everything you looked at was decorated. She had the manger scene on display and there were angels everywhere. There was candy and cookies galore which I always appreciated. The tree was beautiful, the food was delicious and she always had her extended family there. There were games to play, everyone brought their pets, everyone was smiling and hugging and kissing. Even my parents seemed to have a truce on that day. The candles were lit, there was always a song in your heart and everyone was apt to serve another. And we, the kids, were most cherished on that day. You did not want it to end. It was one of those days the devil wasn't allowed to touch and you knew it. Nothing bad ever happened at Delma's. I cannot say the same for Christmas at my Dad's parents house or even at our own. I grew up believing that Christmas was a Christian holiday so I was never quite certain why my Dad's parents even celebrated. Or my dad for that matter. None of them seemed to enjoy any of it. Christmas never seemed like work to Delma and Mac either and their house was welcoming to anyone who stopped by no matter who it was.

I don't have the words to fully describe to you the kind of joy and thrill Samuel shared with me, but the way I felt as a child on Christmas at Delma's is about as close as I can come as far as an earth experience goes. Samuel showed me that he feels like this every day. Not just him, but everyone in Heaven feels this joy and peace and surprise and suspense and love, and wonder, and I could go on and on and the words I can write will never ever be enough. Tears of joy seem to be the only way I can rely this even close to good enough. Once you experience it, you never want to let it go. I know I don't. And I am in luck because that joyous feeling hasn't left me but has grown stronger as I have begun to feel better. Saturday afternoon, my sickness moved up into my head and left me miserable for days but the feeling didn't leave. Just dulled a bit. Sunday, Mark had his first symptoms as well. And the days have passed since then and we have all taken turns taking care of each other and still the feeling hasn't left me. Today, it is very strong again. I can see how a person would leave this earth for Heaven and never ever look back at any worldly care here. People yes, stuff no. Samuel has everything we can hardly wrap our minds around, and more. What makes that joy more and more complete is when family members arrive in Heaven for the eternal reunion. Everything we are "working" for on this earth is in Heaven. That is most obvious to me and I hope it is to you too.

And I realize this morning, as I am on the verge of feeling back to normal physically, that my world has been significantly narrowed by this experience. Shortly after Samuel's joy showered me on Saturday morning, I was up going about my day and everything I touched that was a part of his "quality of life" seemed to say "Thank you" to me. All the herbals are still out on the counter just like they were when he was here, only now they are ours. I started to mix myself some medicine for the morning and I heard Samuel say "thank you." I opened the cupboard where still so many of this medicines are on the shelf and I heard "Thank you." I went to get into the tub and looked at the Epsom salt and, "Thank you." And that is how the day went. Everything that even remotely was part of Samuel's care, seemed to have his voice inside it telling me "thank you." That and his joy was just everywhere.

Samuel came to share with me this gigantic joy he has. I know that is because he loves me and probably has wanted me to experience this with him ever since the day he left. Perhaps my own human emotions stopped this from happening because my pain clouded me from feeling his joy. Perhaps, I had been asking the wrong question. I didn't really want to "see" his joy, but instead wanted to "feel" what he felt like I did when he was here. That is something I have missed so much. For whatever reason, that thought didn't occur to me to ask until I got sick last week and I didn't really ask God so much as I wondered and tried to imagine it for myself. That was when Samuel was allowed to "step in." And it strikes me that in the middle of sharing with me the joy he feels everyday, he thanked me again and again. He thanked me during the Christmas season in 2007 with the picture he drew me. That was a "Thanks for helping me get better." That was when he probably was tricked into thinking he was never going to be that sick again. We were all tricked into thinking that was the worst it was ever going to get. This latest thanks surrounded everything we used to help him get better, but ended up being things that failed in the end. Don't think I don't think about that each time I open the cabinet and see these things either. And yet, he thanked me for each and every thing I did even so. I don't think it was because these things failed and he went to Heaven, but because I never stopped trying. Because when he was here, nothing else was as important to me as helping him feel better and when everything in the medicine cabinet failed, I told him Jesus would not fail to rescue him. Jesus did not fail to heal him. Samuel's life in Heaven was everything I told him it would be, and more. I didn't know what that felt like on the day Samuel's body died, but I do now. It is like Christmas everyday.

This leaves me breathless yet I still want to tell you this. Drop everything else and serve God first. What's truly important in life will fall into order after that. There is nothing more important on earth OR in Heaven than relationships. When Samuel was with us on earth and we lived a "narrowed" life all the time, what was important in life was always very very clear to me. Now that he is in Heaven and we don't live with that degree of narrowing anymore, it is in times of sickness in this house when everyone slows down and helps each other, or we sit down and watch a movie together or just snuggle on the couch together, that we stop and remember again, what is most important. Love. I think God allows family sick time to remind us to regroup and rekindle our love. As we were watching movies together each trying to forget some physical annoyance, I reminded myself that it was often times like these that Samuel and I bonded most. Times when it was just about getting through an hour at a time that we clung to each other as if we were all we had. We didn't care about what was going on in the world or next door. We didn't care about goals for earthly accomplishments or popularity among peers. In those extreme moments when money failed, drugs failed, people outside our home failed, we knew that our love did not fail. It sustained us through everything. Even physical death. That love came from the Lord. In a very difficult time, that love made the real priorities in life very simple and clear. One day, that love will be all that matters again.

God is love. We are on earth to learn to love Him, to love others and share His love with them. You will take that love with you when you leave. Your reward in Heaven will come from the efforts you put into loving people on earth. Being with Him in Heaven is living in the ultimate most divine love with peace, surprise, joy, beauty, friends, family, and things I don't have words for. I just know I got a taste of it. Everything on earth pales in comparison to what I feel in my heart right now.

Keeping an Open Mind Spirit

Keeping an open spirit means not limiting God speaking to you in any way He desires simply because you don't think you are worthy, or don't believe it is possible. Keeping an open spirit keeps the lines of communication open between you and God. Keeping a journal about things He tells you, shows you, or allows you to feel in your spirit is very helpful because you can look back on each amazing encounter and see how that they build upon each other. Small encounters grow into larger ones. Small visions expand into larger ones. What once sounded impossible becomes an everyday reality. Recording experiences that made you ask, "Was that God?" may be answered at a later date as you learn more and more about how God speaks to you personally.

With that said, here is something I am recording for "future" use.

After asking God what Samuel thought of his departure from earth and getting an immediate answer, I asked Him what Samuel was doing in Heaven. Don't you wonder what he does everyday? This is not a new question; I have certainly asked it before but I figured if I am in a season of answers raining down from Him, it didn't hurt to ask again. I went to sleep that night and had an interesting dream that keeps running through my mind.

In it, someone handed me a picture to look at. I picked it up and immediately recognized my house. The picture was taken from the front of the house but cut off half of the front. So half the picture was the front of my house cut off midway down the porch and the rest of the picture was what was next to it. No neighbors, no messy back yard, no mud but instead, it was ocean front. Next to the house was a sandy beach with simple green plants here and there and peaceful waves only feet from the back of the house. I heard myself say out loud, "Now why was it that I hated this house so much?" I put the picture down and immediately in front of me was my house, just like in the picture, only it was the whole view, not partially cut off. There were no neighbors, no messy back yard, no mud. It was ocean front just like the picture. I was standing outside it alone, or at least I thought I was alone. I walked around both sides of the house trying to figure out where the neighbors went and why I never noticed my house was ocean front before. I didn't get lost in the ocean view like you might think because I love the ocean so much. I thought of how cute my house looked as a "beach house." Maybe that was why I didn't like the house before, it wasn't on the beach. I decided to go in. I didn't knock, I just went on in because it was "my" house. When I entered however, the inside wasn't anything like my house. Only the outside colors and front were the same. The similarities ended there. The floor was creamy white and everything was perfectly in it's place and very clean. Nobody seemed to live in it even though it was fully furnished. All was quiet except for my thoughts. I walked down a hallway that was very long. It had a chair rail on both sides that I ran my hand down until I walked into a room that was well stocked with things I wasn't allowed to see. I just know they were there because my hands touched things but I didn't know what they were. I thought to myself that I would come back to look at all these things my hands were touching but kept walking feeling like I didn't have time to stop because they weren't what I was looking for. I walked into another room not knowing how I got there and in it I found Samuel riding a big wheel around in huge circles happily laughing. I watched for a few seconds, then I woke up.

I know it was a dream but the more days that pass, the more real it seems. This house was the only one Samuel called home and I can totally see how he would have gone to Heaven and just walked into it same as I did because it was "his." I can hear everyone in Heaven laughing at me asking why I hated this house so much after seeing it there. This I know; God loves to laugh with us, not at us. I can totally see the ironic humor. This is only the second dream I have ever had about this house so the dream stands out but not only for that fact.

I wasn't alone in the dream. I was with someone. More importantly, Samuel wasn't playing all alone in that big house I got lost in. The someone wasn't Delma though. At first I thought it was Mark, but it wasn't. I believe it was Mac, Delma's husband. I never saw him, just felt what I believe was him. I will tell you why. When I was little, my mom used to take my brother, sister and I to Delma's every Saturday. We spent a good part of the day there. My mom and Delma always hit the mall, then ate lunch out, and returned home. My sister and I would usually go with them and my brother would stay with Mac. When I got a little older, I started going with Mac and my brother instead of with the girls because I am not that girly. Well, Mac would take you anywhere you wanted to go and stay as long as you wanted to stay. In short, it was all about you. Often times, my brother and I would have him take us somewhere to ride our bikes, skate, or swim depending on the season. There was a particular school we liked to skate at and he would just park his car with a book to read and we could skate for hours. He never minded waiting on us. There was a place we liked to ride our bikes and he would just bring a chair, sit in the field and watch until we were done. When we wanted to go swim, he took us to the local pool, sat in the waiting area and read his Bible. He waited patiently until we were done and then took us back home to meet up with the girls. Mac was a quiet presence always watching but never interrupting fun. That is who I felt like was with me in the dream, and who was watching Samuel ride his bigwheel around what looked like "our" house in Heaven until he was good and ready to return to Delma's. I can totally imagine Samuel wanting to go play in "our" house and Mac would be the one I know who would be delighted to take him and have the patience to wait on him to get his fill. Samuel always enjoyed his time as an "only child" when the big kids weren't around and so this makes a lot of sense. Funny, I had forgotten about all the things Mac did for us until this dream. His delight was seeing us having fun and he was never concerned about how much time we needed to do it.


Time will tell if this is really real. It is almost too much to fathom and yet I have learned to keep an open spirit. It has brought me much joy and fond memories to think on that I will cherish it if only for those reasons. I always think of Delma taking care of Samuel forgetting that she was as much a unit with Mac as Mark is with me. He was always the quieter more gentle spirit so when we moved away, the relationship I had with him changed a lot simply because I always talked to Delma on the phone and not him. Delma did the "girl" stuff and Mac did the "boy" stuff. As I got older, I realized I was in fact a girl. Then Mac got cancer for the second time and it stole so much of who he was. The dream showed me a lot about who he is in Heaven, not much different than who he was on earth. Somehow I had forgotten..... There is so much to look forward to and I believe I got another little "taste."

And yet there is more.....something else Samuel has shared. But that needs it's own separate post. It has been like "Christmas Everyday" here.

Overwhelmed

I knew that when the Lord showed me it was time to put Samuel's life story into book form, that He had some things to show and teach me. I looked forward to the "treasure hunt." Well, I have been absolutely overwhelmed. I have been making notes, doing intense Bible studies and searches, asking Him questions and listening with my heart. The things He has shown me can not easily be understood with the human brain.


I am so thankful that I journaled all the good memories. Somewhere deep down I guess my heart always knew that those moments would have to sustain me. While my head hoped that wasn't true, my fingers recorded each blessed moment as if it might have been the last. The first thing that has overwhelmed me, again, no big surprise, was the love. Samuel's love. The amazing bond we shared. As I was reading through the history, I found so many "favorite parts." Places I wrote he hugged and kissed me a thousand times a day. Same to Anna. Things he said that defied his age of understanding. His faith in "me" amazed me. There are many instances I can recall but one I just read echos in my mind.


Back in 2004, when we agreed to resume spinal tap chemo, our Onc wanted to do a bunch of tests to be sure the chemo was exiting his brain in a reasonable amount of time, but not too fast. We agreed to do the tap, check the level of chemo in the CSF after four hours and then again the next day. To do this, they would "tap" the shunt. or, insert a needle into his shunt. All without sedation. They basically poke a needle into his head, ever so slowly draw out the CSF, and expect him to lie incredibly still the whole time because you cannot simply take CSF like blood. You have to let the pressure in the ventricles actually push it out. It can take several minutes to get a sample. Samuel was 2.5 at the time so we were pretty nervous about him being still for this without being traumatized. I have previously shared how the second tap went in a blog this past spring which was just as "amazing" but I forgot about this one.

9/25/04

When it was finally time for his shunt to be tapped we took him back to the exam room and the NP came in. I could tell she did not want to hurt Samuel and once she realized how afraid he was, she went out of the room to get everything ready so he would not have to watch. We layed him on the table on his side so she could feel where the shunt was. Samuel told us he was scared again. He was crying. He was tired. It was a very long day. I asked him if he wanted me to sing Twinkle Twinkle and he said yes. So I began to sing and he appeared to go to sleep. I figured he was about to be rudely awakened by the NP putting a needle into his head but he did not even flinch. A few minutes into the tap, I stopped singing because I thought he was asleep and he immediately noticed and said "Star" which is my cue to sing more. He laid perfectly still the whole time. When she was done, we got him up and he started crying again. It was strange and kind of magical at the same time to be able to sing to him and have him relax so deeply that he did not even notice the needle.

The second tap I shared earlier this year happened the following morning in the ER. We had the very same experience except that Samuel was not laying this time, but sitting. The Resident MD who knew Samuel well, was concerned that we were not having sedation and wanted to get help to hold Samuel still. Like the day before, once Samuel knew they were going to do something to him, he started to cry. I gently held his hands and started singing Twinkle Twinkle and he was once again, mesmerized. I nodded to the MD to proceed and he did so skeptically. Samuel never noticed the needle inserted into his head and the sample was easily obtained. As soon as the needle was out and I stopped singing, Samuel was back to crying about the MD being in the room. As soon as we left, he was happy.

There was something about that song. When it played on his music box it was very soothing to him but when I sang it to him, it had an amazing power to bring him peace and an escape from fear. I can hear him say, "Star" just as plain as day. There were so many amazing moments!

It has been an easy process to skim over the meaningless details in the journal. Like making the photo album excluding the sad or sick photos was easy. This difference with the book, however, is that it doesn't matter which ugly details are left out, it doesn't change the past and Samuel's life still ends the same way. I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about what the tone of the book should be. Death is rarely seen as victorious especially when a person has fought so hard to resist it. The death of a child is often defies wording to describe the heartbreak. The loss is earth shattering. We think of what might have been but never will be. Their lives are cut short. They will never do, see, go, be........fill in the blank and it's so unfair. Many many people stopped reading the updates long ago for these very reasons.

I had the brilliant idea to ask God what Samuel thinks about his life being cut short. Does he walk around Heaven with a wish list for Earth? Does he feel cheated and robbed of life here? Are there things he wishes he could have done here? I wanted to know what he really thought, not what I think he should think or hope he would think. A few days back, I asked God in my nightly prayers to give me an answer so I will know how to deal with this. I woke up the next morning and the first thought to enter my mind was my answer. John 10:10, Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but I come so that you may have life, and that you may have life more abundantly."


I knew that was my answer. I knew it came directly from Samuel. This was a scripture that God impressed upon me in 2004 when it appeared that Samuel's life had been stolen from him. I prayed it over him every day. Even when I wasn't certain if he could understand my words, I would suggest scriptures to him to think in his mind. This was one of them. It wasn't until many months later that he showed us he never missed a beat during those horrendous months. I recorded in the journal sometime that fall that I told him that Jesus is always with him and he got really happy, hugged me and said, "Yeah, Mama, Jesus!" We clung to that scripture throughout his life and since he has went to Heaven, it hasn't even entered my thoughts until this particular morning.


I had my own ideas of what abundant life should mean or not mean. It did not mean lying comatose in a bed for the rest of your life. It did not mean being ruled by fear or cancer. It did not mean being at someone else's mercy. It did not mean constant pain and suffering. I think you get my drift. Abundant life meant having a life. A life free of these things. A long healthy life. In 2004, I prayed the scripture promises that seemed to apply to the knowledge I had at that time. Isaiah 55:11 says that God's Word will not return void so praying scripture over a situation is very powerful. If you want the devil to notice you, just pray scripture. Anyway, I always believed the Word of God worked but given my definition of abundant life, it would appear that it didn't. I chalked it up to "user error" when Samuel died. I assumed "I" did something wrong and left it at that.


Being reminded of that exact scripture and how I felt after Samuel died coupled with being a much more "mature" Christian, I knew that I was probably slightly off on the intended meaning of this verse. So I began to search it out. I fully understand that God is most concerned with the condition of our hearts and where we will spend eternity. I am also aware that His ways are higher than ours so I started to look at this scripture from that standpoint. He started showing me all sorts of places to look and once again, I am overwhelmed by His answers and even more at Samuel's love and wisdom.


God's abundance does not mean material things. Things that we cannot take when we die are meaningless to Him. I found this very insightful. Luke 16:15b What the world honors is an abomination to God. The context here was love of money and gaining material things but I think it can be used much more broadly. I truly believe that we will get to Heaven and be "set straight" about things we thought He approved of on earth but hated. Things we thought were important, but weren't in the light of eternity. God knows material things don't satisfy the spirit. If they did, there would be no covetousness problem. This is no great revelation thus far.

We are then talking about spiritual abundance and our relationship with Him. The spirit is to grow abundant in "fruit." Galatians 5:22-23 says the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These things do translate into Heaven. An abundant life in God's eyes is one that is meaningful, purposeful, joyful, full of love, hopeful and eternal with Him because Jesus is the center of it. This kind of life fulfills the soul. Having spiritual fruit doesn't mean we don't make mistakes, get into trouble, have tribulation, get sick, or have big mountains to overcome. It does mean that He will be with us every step of the way no matter where or what the circumstance. 2 Corinthians 4:8 says We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. We also have assurance from Him that when our life comes to an end on earth, we will be with Him in Heaven. It is a win-win no matter the circumstances. To live is Christ and to die is gain (Philippians 1:21).

I realized in my study that an abundant life does not translate into a long life. Samuel had every fruit of the Spirit in abundance. His life had a divine purpose and meaning; all I have to do is read the letters that I received after his death to understand that. He never lost his joy in spite of the circumstances. Samuel was divine love and one of the greatest loves of my life. I would interject that my life had it's highest call and purpose when I was taking care of him. He never lost sight of hope and in the end, he had an amazing understanding of eternity and chose that over suffering. There are people who go 80-90 years on this earth and never grasp all these things. There are people who waste their whole lives on the pursuit of the garbage of this world never finding true joy or love. Not Samuel.

Samuel is telling me that his life was complete. He doesn't have an earth wish list. His spirit is full. He received everything he needed from this life to enter Heaven in 6 years and 17 days all under this roof, never needing anyone else but his family. That was an awesome revelation to me and has brought me to tears for days on end just thinking of it. Samuel has no regrets. Samuel also reminds me that he hasn't forgotten the things I said or taught him to pray when I was never certain if he truly understood. That scripture I prayed over him and taught him to pray was powerful and answered. That Word did not return void as I once suspected. I did not somehow screw up his abundant life. Being a more "mature" Christian, I must give you the entire context of Isaiah 55:11 So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. That "disclaimer" must be there for people like me who thought they understood what the verse they were given to pray was set to do, but obviously did not. Of course, I would have preferred that Samuel was healed and lived a long life, but my heart is sustained and bursting with joy knowing that Samuel says his life was fulfilled in every way with what matters most to his soul in God's Kingdom. That is simply overwhelming! And so I have the "tone" for Samuel's book straight from him. Memories like how singing Twinkle Twinkle took him to a place of divine peace in a scary situation are a good place to start. Powerful love like that is not soon to be forgotten. Taking a step back from that, it is still overwhelming to think I can simply ask God what Samuel thinks and get an answer. Our connection grows stronger and stronger each day it seems. His body might have died, but he is most certainly more alive now than he ever was on earth.

Psalm 37:4 says Delight yourself also in the LORD,And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Sometime last year I posted this verse on the blog saying I wasn't sure what the desires of my heart were. I figured God knew so I set about to delight myself in Him. Doing that wasn't difficult when He kept leading me to treasure after treasure. Well, now I know what my heart's desire was. To feel connected to Samuel. Back then, I didn't think it was possible. It is most definitely possible. God is so overwhelmingly awesome! My heart is full.